planning mode
dating scene
There is a basic immutable truth about relationships. They either last forever or they don’t. Sorry. It is an essential part of dating education to consider that second possibility, and prepare for it.
A first date that does not lead to a second date is fairly easy to cope with. After all, the whole purpose of that first date was to determine if the potential for a relationship exists. If you get your answer that quickly then that is a good thing. It is when you realize that the relationship is not going to work out only after, say, sixty dates that you are going to face a bit more of a problem.
An important factor to consider in the event of a breakup is whose decision it was. When it is yours, and your dating partner does not happen to agree with you, then you face the prospect of that scourge of the modern dating scene, the stalker. When the decision is your partner’s and you don’t happen to agree with it than you have to deal with another scourge, the broken heart.
In order to avoid either of these pitfalls, it is important to realize that a broken relationship does not mean a failure. The idea of dating is to establish that two people are ideal candidates for a life long relationship, and to discover that this is not the case is actually a success rather than a failure. You wanted to know and now you do. So, don’t go creeping around bushes late at night, or climbing into the foothills looking for lovers leap. Move on.
It helps to have a good sense of mathematics here. There are really only, assuming you are somewhat picky, about ten million perfect partners out there for you. All you have to do is move on down the list, and start checking out the next one in line. If you feel an urge to stalk your ex, try to remember those numbers and the fact that it is a statistically proven fact that people who are with people that actually like them are much more content. Also, you are less likely to be bitten on the leg by a pit bull if you just get over it, and stay out of those bushes.
You should set high standards when you date, but you should also realize that when you do, many will fall short. They will just not be that into you to meet those standards, and a breakup should be viewed as a step closer to that perfect relationship. Most likely it will be the next one, so don’t waste any time in mourning. Just move on.
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(On February 6th, 2007 at 4:51 am)
This is inciteful, amusing and a real help. Thank you :]
(On March 27th, 2007 at 8:57 am)
not bad! decent advice.
(On September 21st, 2008 at 11:50 pm)
Ron:
I enjoy reading your advice and the sensitive nature in which you respond honestly to all your questions.
My ex and I split after 8 years together (he dumped me over the phone) with him telling me he wasn't 'in love with me anymore' and wanted to arrange to pick up all his stuff. He was quite emotional in the conversation so I don't know if he was truly sincere. We've spoken only a few times since this happened two months ago (we haven't seen each other since this happened), each call to arrange a time to get his things ending in his failure to show up to get them. The last time we spoke we actually had a civil conversation with him telling me that it wasn't true, that he still loved me but still needed more 'time' to work out his problems. I know he's had financial and time management issues at his work for the past while and I've told him I know he has problems outside our relationship. He again said he would only pick up some of his clothes in the meantime, just because it was getting colder but again he didn't show up. I know it's not fair for him to leave me hanging like this, although in the past he stood by me when I had other pressing family matters to deal with so maybe it's payback time. I simply don't understand what would make him behave this way with not getting his things, esp some things he depends on every day which are still here in our house. I know when things ended I pleaded for us to work things out but since have calmed down, not really arguing with whatever he wants since then. Any clue what he's doing or is he just being the coward he was when things fell apart in the first place? I want to stress there was no infidelity by either of us, he just kept spending more and more time with his buddies (2 are alcoholics) and pretty much gave me the leftovers after his fun with the guys was over which is what led to the breakup. We are both in our mid 30's, so this is past an adolescent phase. We owned a home together and his leaving me shorted me on mortgage payments, utilities, etc. I admit still having feeling for him as things were good with us for a long time, but at this point don't know what to do with his stuff or simply what the right thing to do is at this point. Thanking you for your time, Arlene