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Trust is thought to be the foundation for every successful relationship. How to gain trust, and to keep it, is something that couples struggle with all of the time. Building trust may be one of the most difficult things that you face as a couple. You need to hear each other and be able to effectively spell out your needs. The most essential ingredient in trust is the honesty that it stems from.
Building trust takes time. It is essential to have trust before true intimacy can ever be achieved. At some point couples will need to share everything about themselves. This includes their past, their hopes, their fears and their hang-ups.
The more time you spend with your partner the more you will be revealing yourself. How you deal with work stress, a fight with your parents, even how to cope with a tight budget are all parts of who you are. The more you act honestly in these situations the more beneficial it can be for your new partner. This establishes a base so that when you act differently your partner can hone in on it and support you. Also, being honest allows your partner to accept and adore you for exactly as you are.
Communication, good and honest communication, is a key ingredient to building trust. If you are always jumping to conclusions or not listening to your partner the foundation of trust will crumble. The easiest way to communicate is to ask for explanations when you don’t understand something. Take the time so that you know what your partner means. Listen to what they are saying and truly hear; share openly and fully. By communicating your feelings you show that you trust your partner with your heart. Above all else, communicate through love, and try not to assume the worst of your partner.
Fights are common in all relationships, and knowing how to fight fairly is another way to build trust. Stay away from calling each other names or insulting one another. Try not to be overly generalizing or point fingers. Always stick to the point and know when to walk away to cool off.
Don’t expect to build trust overnight, it takes time. Many of us enter into relationships with cracks of damage from previous battles of the heart. If you or your partner is having continuous problems trusting, it might be time to seek outside help. Couples therapy is an excellent way for both of you to heal and come together.
(On October 16th, 2007 at 11:32 am)
Hi. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two years know and it seems like an on going circle. We have only broken up once before because he said that he had lost he feelings all of a sudden. Later I found out that he was lieing and doing things behind my back. During this period i became close to two of his firends(i've known these boys since birth, they're like brothers to me). After we decide to try to make it work again he had insecurities of me cheatig on him with one of the boys. Now he plays this game of i love you, i love you not. I've never lied or did things behind he back but since every other realtionship he was in ended in cheating, it seemed like our realtionship was doomed from the start. I just want him to get to trust me, what can i do to show him I am not that kinda of girl and Im not going anywhere?
(On October 18th, 2007 at 10:54 pm)
Maria,
Trust is such an important part of a relationship and I applaud your efforts in trying your best to build it in your relationship right now. Unfortunately, trust can only be built WITH someone, not BY someone. Your attempts to get your boyfriend to trust you can be futile if he does not even have the desire to trust you in the first place. So, the answer to your question really is that you cannot really do anything, short of expressing your emotions and being honest, that will get him to come around, unless he CHOOSES to.
Despite, the issue of trust, I am hearing another larger issue in your comment. You seem to have the notion that your relationship is 'doomed'. This is not a healthy outlook Maria, and frankly, it may be your own answer to the larger question at hand: Whether or not you want to be part of this relationship? I think you may already know that the answer is "no."
No one ever likes to be accused or have assumption made about them that are untrue; Especially, from a person that they love and a person that is the actual culprit to the claims that they make. You know that he is dishonest, you know that he plays games, and you know that he has made up his mind not to trust you. It’s evidently clear that the relationship may not have very much more to offer you. Hence my advice to you is to evaluate what you want from this relationship and what you are getting from this relationship. You seem like a smart and caring person, you definitely deserve someone that can appreciate that. But always remember, once we realize that we are being shortchanged in the love department, than it is completely our own responsibility to make sure that we get what we’re worth. Good Luck!
(On February 10th, 2008 at 10:09 pm)
Hi, I think I have lost trust in my boyfriend. I told him everything about me he will listen to me and later on will discuss this with his family and close friends. I don't know if I should trust him or not.
(On March 1st, 2008 at 6:04 am)
Hi,
I a big believer that without trust you haven't got a relationship.. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now on and off and he is my first love.. I trusted him at first, even tho he wasn't the best bf in the world then we broke up because i was maybe a bit too controlling… then we got back together a couple of months later, because the time apart made him realise how much he wants to be with me. Gradually we built the trust back into are relationship, then a couple of months down the line i found out he had been with my friend and that they had done everyhting apart from sleep with each other.. he finally admitted that they just kissed.. but at that point i trusted him the most.. now i just find it really hard to trust him… i want to be with him because i love him i just need a bit of advice….
(On May 18th, 2008 at 6:22 pm)
I had told a few lies early in my currently 5 month relationship, with the woman of my dreams, and let me tell you I've never felt so stupid in my entire life! The lies them selves were based on information about my past in which I had it felt nessasary to keep from her to either A, protect my self or B, refuse to face the truth about what had actually happen. This information contained a story of cheating and emotional deciet to my self. Basically I had made some bad choices I wasn't exactly proud of therefore in somewhat of denial. Anyways at some point my story's became inconsistant and lies began to surface and eventually I was forced to tell the truth. The real problem wasn't what had happened in my past but more or less the fact that I was able to lie to my girlfriends face about it. We have been trying to make our relationship work ever since this breakdown but building back the trust in every aspect has become quite the challenge. I truly hope this all works out for us but in the end without trust there's not much hope for anything else. Time and patients are our only true avenues of help. But boy, let me tell ya, it can be rough! I love you Roxy!
(On May 28th, 2008 at 6:41 pm)
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year now but have known each-other longer. We are wanting to get married and build a life together. However he has broken the trust 2 times now with doing prescription pills behind my back with him knowing how strongly I feel about that. I want to trust him again and move on and move forward with our life but I dont know if I ever can trust him again. He lied directly to my face and swore on everything and even broke up with me and kicked me out for "Not trusting him" when he was doing that behind my back.
I want to believe that he wont ever do something like that again and want to regain that trust again.
How should we move forward in order to better our relationship?
(On June 23rd, 2008 at 10:05 am)
I hear all of you. My current relationship was borne from accusations of infidelity in both of our previous marriages. He and I became too close while we were married to other people. We know what we did then – how do we trust each other now?
(On July 21st, 2008 at 6:27 am)
I have been dating a lady for about 4 months now and a few days ago I found a number of text messages of her and her ex-boyfriend having intimates communications while we were dating. She fessed up and said they did meet one time and had been doing some kissing. When this happened we were already exclusive.
She has sincerley apologized and I belive she is sorry for what she did.
This has never happened to me before and am wondering if the trust can ever be there again?
(On October 10th, 2008 at 10:24 am)
HI MY NAME IS KAREN AND IVE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR A YEAR NOW BUT WE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. SO IT WAS A GOOD THING THAT WE WERE FRIENDS FIRST. I FELT MORE COMFORTABLE. BUT WHEN WE REUNITED AS FRIENDS I WAS IN A BAD MARRIAGE. BUT ANYWAYS MY BOYFRIEND IS GREAT WE LIVE TOGETHER NOW AND I LOVE HIM A LOT BUT WE'VE JAD A FEW PROBLEMS WITH CELL PHONES AND THE TEXTING. I WAS CHECK THE CELL PHONE BILL AND SEEN A FEW TEXT MESSAGES THAT WERE MADE AROUND 4 AND 5 IN THE MORNING AND WHEN I CALLED THE NUMBER IT WAS HIS EX GIRLFRIEND. SHE HAS BEEN A BIG PROBLEM IN OUR RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE SHE STILL WANTS TO BE WITH HIM BUT HE DOESN'T. IM REALLY TRYING TO GET OVER THIS BUT ITS A BOTHER TO ME WHAT SHOULD I DO
(On February 19th, 2009 at 9:44 pm)
this is a reply to what karen commented. MY boyfriend and i had that excat same issue. but he went farther with it and invited her over to meet his friend, and to tell her he doesnt want to be with her. i found out and he lied to me about. which completely broke my trust in him. he told me he didnt want me to freak out. and he didnt want to hurt my feelings or think he was sneaking around behind my back (which technically he did). Talk to him about it, tell him how badly it hurt you. its been a month since my boyfriends ex was over and im STILL not over it. it will take time to forget about it. but you two will make it thru it.
(On April 18th, 2010 at 10:41 am)
I have been with my boyfriend for about for 16 months now and we having been talking about living together. We both came from bad divorces. Well, his ex-wife cheated on him a lot and he walked in on her and another guy when she was supposed to be at work. We have a very trusting relationship and communicate very well. Even though he knows I would never cheat on him. He doesn't know how to move on from his cheating wife so he and I can take the next step in ours.
(On July 5th, 2010 at 3:04 pm)
Ok I need help. I have been with my wife fo almost 10 yrs. I love her, she is the woman of my dreams. However, in the 10 yrs, I have had 7 cases of poor judgement. I have given her 7 instances to not trust me. I have recently had a breakthrough as to what an underlying cause of the issue is. I am working on dealing with that. I need advice as to how to show her this time really is different, & that this is not goin to happen again, that its not a recurring circle. I have never had sexual relations with another woman, but there has been inappropriate behavior such as asking for nude pics of other girls ect.
(On August 21st, 2010 at 6:20 pm)
Trust is SO important. Without it relationships are not going to get very far. Lies will destroy years worth of trying to build something. I just ended a 10 year relationship because of lies. He said I should stay because we have put in 10 years together. I said I should go becuase if I don't deserve the truth after hanging in there for 10 years, then I don't want to put in another 10 and end up back at square one. I'm getting too old for that. So, ladies and gentlemen, please be honest with your partners. Maybe what you have to say will hurt, but if they find out you lied, they get hurt twice as much.