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Repairing broken trust in a relationship can be very difficult. Many times the reason for the broken trust stems from infidelity or broken promises and these violations within a relationship can virtually destroy it. If you and your partner are committed to working through it though, you will find that your relationship can become stronger than ever.
Before any trust can be rebuilt you must address how and/or why it was broken in the first place. This is the time for brutal honesty. A complete confessional of how the trust was broken should only be done when you are both ready to hear it. Heartfelt apologies should be offered with indications of remorse and promises to not violate the trust again.
There is a massive amount of stress on your relationship once the trust has been broken. Reconciliation can happen first. This happens when both you and your partner make an agreement to work on the issues and rebuild the trust and the relationship. Reconciliation usually has to happen before forgiveness. It also indicates that you are invested in salvaging the relationship and not giving up on it. In many cases it will be up to the person that violated the trust to initiate reconciliation.
The most difficult task is then to forgive. It is never easy to forgive, but if you continue to hold on you will constantly live in a state of rage or anger. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you excuse abusive behavior. It does mean that you are able to work towards letting go of the past. Relationship experts suggest starting with forgiving your partner for their weakness. Your partner also needs to be ready to be forgiven and accept the consequences of their actions.
Sit down with your partner and reevaluate your goals. Remind each other what your priorities are and what unifies your life together. Sometimes a vocal or written commitment to the relationship is a good place to start. Try to avoid setting up conditions of forgiveness.
Getting outside help is strongly recommended. Make an appointment for the two of you to sit down with a relationship counselor. This should be a safe environment for both of you to be honest about how the trust has been damaged or lost. These counselors will have steps for you to go through that will help repair any damage, or in the worst cases, help you to safely walk away from each other.
(On March 9th, 2008 at 12:39 am)
Hi. Recently, I lied to my boyfriend and told him 1) i had a prosthetic leg 2)i had been sent to gaza 3)i had a bro, a sis and various nieces/nephews. however, last night i didnt sleep at all, and this morning i told him the barefaced truth.
what should i do if he a) dumps me? do i plead for forgiveness? or b) sticks with me? how do i rebuild that trust?
confused_young_girl
(On March 9th, 2008 at 12:39 am)
Hi. Recently, I lied to my boyfriend and told him 1) i had a prosthetic leg 2)i had been sent to gaza 3)i had a bro, a sis and various nieces/nephews. however, last night i didnt sleep at all, and this morning i told him the barefaced truth.
what should i do if he a) dumps me? do i plead for forgiveness? or b) sticks with me? how do i rebuild that trust?
confused_young_girl
(On January 2nd, 2007 at 6:08 am)
Hello. I have an issue that I need delt with immediately. A few months back, my wife of 8 years had an internet relationship with another man for about 3 weeks. I can honestly say it almost killed me, and us for that matter. Her reason for doing such was i wasn't paying any attention to her. That I wasnt showing any affection what so ever, and she was right. I took her for granted, thinking she would never leave me. We have three children together, I don't want to lose her or the kids. She says it is over with him, and I believe her for the most part.
I am having alot of problems relieving myself of this pain. We've had several arguments about it, and we are still together. I have done many nasty things to her since finding out about them. I snooped into her email, purse, i constantly check the cookies for anything incriminating, I've even had phone records drawn up for me, aswell as stooping as low as to ask my son to keep tabs on who she is talking to during the day when im at work. Well she found out about that and i was given an aultimadum to stop searching for stuff on her. I was given a week to show that i want this relationship to last. But this hurt is really screwing my mind up. Im constantly thinkning that she may do it again, or find someone in the same city and do something worse. I can't shake this feeling. I fear that my sinister ways may ruin us forever and I don't want that. I love her to much. I've done a total 360 on my life. I show her more than enough affection, I do things for her, I tel her I love her several times a day. i tell her she looks good. She knows I love her but since I found out about them, she has become a different person. She doesn't show me the affection I need. I think we've switched rolls, and it makes me feel like crap. I know I deserve it but she realizes that I know what i've done to her, and I think I should be forgiven.
So many things are running through my mind, and I want to see someone about it. We dont have alot of money so we can't exactly pay for a counsiler. I need to know a free way to deal with this before the worst happens. I don't want to lose her. Please help!!!
Man at the end of his rope…….
(On January 2nd, 2007 at 8:33 pm)
Hey Richard.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, it’s never easy to deal with infidelity (of any sort). The first thing you need to do is to ask yourself if you are ready to forgive your wife for what she has done. If you think you will be able to, I think you need to sit down with her and let her know what is bothering you. Arguing about what already happened will lead nowhere so it is important that you discuss what the two of you see happening in your relationship down the road.
Tell her exactly how you are feeling…about your fears, insecurities, and any other concerns. It is important that you put everything out on the table and let her know what it is you are going through. Remember not to put blame on her though, she already knows what she did was wrong, so reminding her of it will only lead to more arguments. Trust is by far the most important part of any relationship so you need to start rebuilding it as soon as possible. You need to show her that you trust her and that you want this relationship to work more than anything.
Trust is really difficult to gain…especially after it has been lost, so you really have to work hard at it. Begin by taking a few days off and going away with your wife. It doesn’t have to be an exotic island…just as long as you can be alone. Be consistent when showing your wife affection and don’t expect her to change overnight…it just won’t happen. Try not to worry about what your wife may do next…you can’t control that. You can only control what happens right now….and right now you have to be the best husband that you can possibly be.
(On January 28th, 2007 at 1:54 pm)
Dear Ron,
My situation is similar to Richards, although I happen to be the offender in my relationship. I was writing cell phone txt messages to my ex-boyfriend. Not everyday, nor even monthly, but when my boyfriend and I would have a disagreement, or he was especially aloof I would say hello to my ex to comfort myself a little. Anyway, my boyfriend found out about this and was furious with me. That part is understandable; I do see his perspective on this because I would be devastated if the situation was reversed, but the part we don't agree on is his contribution to the situation. I contend that his aloof attitude and way of taking me for granted is just as important as my response to it. I don't think what I did was justified, but I think to fix our relationship we need to address not only the trust issues, but also what contributed to me feeling the need to seek reassurance outside of the relationship. I believe that we are both good people and I know that I wasn’t intentionally attempting to hurt nor manipulate him, and I don’t think that he was intentionally trying to take me for granted nor ignore me, but since we both created the situation don’t we share equal responsibility in it?
Maybe I’m putting the cart before the horse on this one, but I feel like even if we were able to rebuild our trust, if he sees this situation as completely my fault, then our relationship will always be out of balance, and will continue to be plagued with problems.
Any advice you might lend would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Jennifer
(On February 1st, 2007 at 5:36 am)
Hey Jennifer,
So there are a couple of questions that I’m interested in asking. For instance, how long have you been in your current relationship? Also, when did the relationship with your ex end and how did it end?
What you are experiencing is very common when there is infidelity in a relationship. One partner will cheat on the other and then justify their actions reversing the blame. In your specific situation, the degree of infidelity is minor, but it’s exactly the same thing. Although you may have been neglected by your boyfriend, these are the types of things that you need to discuss with him before you make any decisions that could potentially harm the relationship. But unless you made an attempt to let him know how you felt, how did you expect him to change?
The best thing for the two of you to do is to sit down and put all the cards out on the table. Tell him exactly how you feel and what made you seek out comfort from your ex-boyfriend. Give him a chance to change…you’ll be surprised how often guys just don’t think about things. Or maybe you should re-evaluate the relationship itself…sometimes there are things you need that another person is unable to give you.
The most important thing here is for you to understand that despite his neglect, there is a deeper issue, a lack of communication. In the future, try to communicate how you feel before you make any impulsive decisions.
Hope that helps.
Ron
(On February 23rd, 2007 at 9:06 am)
Dear Ron,
Thank you so much for your response, you helped me that I was looking at the situation all wrong, and that I should stop blaming my boyfriend for not giving me the emotional reassurance I needed and take responsibility for what I did.
My current relationship has been going on about a year, but we have lived together for the past 6 months, and had discussed marriage.
My relationship with my ex ended about 6-8months before I met my current boyfriend, but my ex and I had been best friends for about 6 years before we started dating and we had gotten engaged about a few weeks before we broke up. I think that the reason that I had contacted my ex at all was because he had been a part of my life for so long; he was the only constant in what has been a turbulent past few years. My separation with my ex was pretty quick, but difficult on him and this resulted in him calling a lot or showing up at my work when I wouldn’t talk to him. This is probably why my boyfriend was so angry about the occasional message I would respond to from my ex.
So what happened with my current relationship? Since my current boyfriend discovery of my txt messaging, things have been steadily going down hill in the relationship. At first he decided he wanted to work it out, but a few days later he changed his mind because he didn’t think he would be able to trust me again, and he was convinced that I had sex with my ex (he had called my ex on the night he discovered the txting, and I don’t know what was said between the two of them). So he wanted me to move out, but for us to continue to date and try to fix our trust issues. I felt that it was just a way to ease into separation, so I agreed to move out, but then wanted to break up. We ended up having to live together for a while because of finical constraints, as we have both recently had major career changes. During this time we continued to work on the relationship, and we would have some good days, but other times he would get very emotionally abusive, making rude comments about me in front of people or calling me nasty names, so I ended up abruptly moving out about a week ago.
So now I just have to live with all, and it’s devastating in a lot of ways. Mostly because it doesn’t seem right that if a person really loved another, like he was supposed to have loved me, then how could something like this end that love? I defiantly made a huge mistake in the way that I handled what I interpreted as neglect from him, but it seems to me that it shouldn’t be so insurmountable. Any insight would be great.
Thank you again,
Jennifer
(On March 4th, 2007 at 12:59 pm)
Hi,
Well… needless to say I think I'm the one causing the problems in my relationship. Me and my partner have been living together for about 19 months now and engaged for some time. Everything has been relatively great (asides for the occasional snapping/arguments that everybody has).
I've had some long(er) relationships in the past with women who I utterly devoted my life and my soul to…. and ended up getting hurt/torn appart. The worst one being cheated on for almost the entire length of a relationship.
Anyway, needless to say. This has left me with some very weary trusting issues with my current partner. I explained everything to her as soon as we both took the relationship seriously (we both shared a lot of things that night). Anyway, like Jennifer (message above). I caught her at first texting an ex… we discussed it and what not… a few arguments etc and we both agreed its only gonna cause more problems… So she stopped doing it.
My mind being all male (and stupid and all) wouldn't let it drop. I read her online chat logs and found out some deeper truth to her previous relationships… My head turned, why would she hide this….. etc etc. I couldn't believe it!
I confronted her about the chat logs…. she went bezerk at me for reading the logs and not asking her.
How could I just ask her? – I didn't even know what I wanted to know.
We spent a few weeks kind of 1/2 at my place and 1/2 at hers (she had more people around at hers, she wanted that). Anyway. After about a month or so, the loose ends were tied, history told, emotions shared. fears too.
And Now, over a year later, I find myself doing the same with a male friend (of hers) chat logs… (I REALLY REALLY dispise the guy… just so many little things wind me up!). I only started looking again because they both told me 2 different stories about one occasion… It turned out she was lying to me (even though i asked her 3x for the truth!).
She'd often just 'forget about me' for a few hours and 'pop' over to his. Saying she lost track of time whilst they were watching TV. They both say they are just friends… but how many friends take up more time with eachother than their partners? (Seriously!).
I confronted her again, and the night ended up in tears… she no-longer trusts me and is very annoyed with me for being jealous and too protective of her. (I can't help it, I told her how I would be in the relationship during the first few weeks together). We've basically argued about this for almost a week now and its killing us.
I've tried and tried to appologise and attempt to sit down and discuss things together.. We sit for 5 minutes before balling at one-another.
I can't trust any woman very well. and as for what trust I did have in her, my own jealousy/in-securities ruined it. I love her with all of my heart and tell her this every day!
We'd even started planning our wedding for next year.. but I fear she doesn't trust me enough to continue.
She's still spending all the hours god sends chatting to her male friend as if nothing I ever say is going to change things.
Am I nutters or just down right jealous? If so, I'd love some help in gaining that trust once more…. I cannot let this relationship tear us two appart…
Thank you!
Simon
(On April 3rd, 2007 at 5:31 pm)
Hello,
OK this is a hard one for me, I have been seeing this woman for about six months. She to me was everything i ever wanted in a woman. But unfortunately I was so insecure in the relationship that I broke up with her about 4 times, the last time being about 1 month ago.
I did all sorts of horrible things like accusing her of seeing other people or just being with me just to have some one around. I always seemed to have excuses to break up. I hurt her severly… I did not find out until it was too late that she felt the same way about me as I did her, we just never talked about it until it was too late.
The thing is I have never been so happy with someone or wanted someone so much. I have sought counseling for my anger/esteem issues. it seems to be going well, I have notived a change in the way I thinkg about things etc.
Anyway I finally told her that I was sorry after waiting two weeks, and mentioned that I felt the same way about her and that it was all my fault, which it was. I asked that maybe we could work things out and try it again now that I knew she hoped this wold be the one that would last. We hit it off so well in the begining. She said she had left other men for less than I ever put her through. I promised I would make it up to her and that is why I got the counseling. Anyway she said if we do this it is going to be baby steps and that we would be friends for some time. I am not sure how long some time is to a woman, it could be forever as far as I know. But I am not sure if I am going down the right path to regain the broken trust. I know it is going to take a lot of work, but I have not wanted to since she has gone through some other issues with her children and maybe our relationship is the last thing on her mind. I am trying to think positive here but it get's harder everyday.
(On April 3rd, 2007 at 6:27 pm)
Hey Simon,
Sorry for the late response, I guess I missed the notification in my inbox. The situation you’re in is a very difficult one and I can completely sympathize with you on this. I had a very similar experience many years back when I grew suspicious of a girl I was dating. She would be watching a movie with her “guy friend” and would get home really late at night, if at all. When I confronted her about it, she said that they were just friends and that she would never jeopardize our relationship. Although we never had any trust issues prior, it just didn’t seem right that they were spending all that time with one another.
At the time, the only thing I could think of was to check her emails, and guess what…my suspicions were correct. Now had I not went with my gut feeling, who knows how long it could have continued? The only difference was that my girlfriend at the time did not react the same way…she immediately took responsibility for her actions.
Now that I think of it, I have always felt very uncomfortable when a girl I was dating would make a new male acquaintance. I always wondered what they could possibly have in common and what the other person’s intentions were. If it was an old friend from school then that’s one thing…but how often do we really make platonic friends from the opposite sex?
Now in your case, you feel uncomfortable that she is spending time with another guy, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Don’t let her give you a guilt trip because you invaded her privacy…you had a feeling and you went with it. Assuming he isn’t a long time friend, she should respect your feelings and stop hanging out with him (especially if it’s making you uncomfortable).
Unfortunately, you don’t have many options here. You will never be able to accept the two of them hanging out, no matter how much she pleads that they are just friends. Since you can’t really accept the situation (and I wouldn’t blame you) your only other option would be to give her an ultimatum. This is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and if she feels the same about you, then she will respect your feelings and choose you. If she makes you feel bad about making her choose, then you have to ask yourself, how much does she really want to be with you?
I wish you the best of luck and I am sorry it took so long to respond. Let me know how it goes.
Ron
(On April 9th, 2007 at 10:40 pm)
Dear Ron,
I've been going out with a very beautiful and talented girl. She is 29 studying for her doctorate and I'm 26 finishing up my B.A. Our relationship is extremely passionate. There is a high level of attraction. However, drama is a part of that. One night, I drank too heavily with my friends. And, I went to her doorman bldg and called her upset. It was a bad move that cost her to leave me and her security deposit. (she is currently moving) I ended up being completely careless and reckless with my words. The thing is Ron that this happened once before. The next day she was cold, hurt and angry. She wanted out. She's a strong woman. And, now I fear that I would lose her forever. I know what to do for myself. I know that certain vices and behavioral changes must occur. And, I'm doing that with support groups and seeking therapy. I love her deeply and believe in "us". I gave her space. Then one day, I wanted to say hello and see if we can meet up for dinner. To my surprise, she was like a different person. Asking why was I calling her. My heart drop right there. I felt like an idiot. I thought giving her space will cool her off…but it didn't she wasn't the same person. She didn't care. At least thats what I thought. Yet, to my next surprise I found out that she is communicating with my sister. They never hang out really. I would like to think that this is positive but she told my sister not to mention my name when they speak to eachother.
I dont know what to do. How can I communicate with someone who doesnt want to talk to me? I'm afraid that calling her would push her away, and I hate sending emails or anythign like that because I dont know if she would even read them or not. I want her back.
Thanks,
Frank
(On April 9th, 2007 at 11:49 pm)
Frank & Mark,
I promise that I will get a response out to your questions by tomorrow.
Sorry for the delay.
Ron
(On April 10th, 2007 at 3:16 pm)
Hey Mark,
I would like to start out by commending you for taking the initiative and seeking help with your esteem and anger issues. The change won’t happen overnight, but if you truly want to change, I am positive that you will come out a better person.
Unfortunately, when a woman tells you that they need space and/or time, there is really no way to tell how long it will be. Seeing as how you already broke up with her 4 times, she is in a really vulnerable situation and it will probably take her a good amount of time before she can trust you again. You should also look at the bright side…she is actually willing to consider taking you back (even after you broke it off 4 times). You asked if you’re going the right path…well it’s the only path (aside from giving up completely).
It’s been a week since you asked the question so maybe things have already worked themselves out…time usually has a way of doing that. If you are still in this situation, my advice to you is to be patient and continue to wait. For how long? Well that depends on how badly you really want this relationship to work. In the past, you gave up easily when things got tough or you were upset. You have to prove to her that you are willing to go through the tough times (i.e. giving her space, taking it slow, etc.) and that you are really committed to making it work this time around.
She may come around next week, next month, or next year. The amount of time that you put in really depends on how much you really want it. You should also consider the fact that she may never come around and that’s just a risk that you’ll have to take.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.
Feel free to ask me any other questions.
Ron
(On April 10th, 2007 at 4:27 pm)
Hey Frank,
I am not too sure what you actually told her, but it was obviously bad enough for her to react the way she did. Also, the fact that this isn’t the first time is making the situation that much more difficult.
I’m not going to sugar coat it for you by saying that everything will be alright, because that’s not the case. She seems to have taken this really personally, and seeing as how her personality is so strong, she may not be the forgiving type. I am also a little confused as to why she is talking to your sister, especially since they aren’t really friends. You didn’t go into specifics on the extent of their relationship, so I am going to assume that she wasn’t friends with your sister before she met you.
You’re in a really tough situation and this may very well be something that you’ll have to walk away from. Its great when you can make a mistake, learn from it, and make things right…but sometimes you simply can’t make things right, no matter how hard you try. Now I am not sure what attempts you have made, but have you tried sending her flowers? Don’t send one bouquet…go all out and order 4-6 dozen (or more). You should also write her a hand written letter about how sorry you are and how hard you’re going to try to make it work. If you’re the artistic type, put a poem together for her and send it along with the flowers.
There is only so much you can really do, and if she continues to give you the cold shoulder, you may have to just move on.
I hope my advice is helpful and I wish you the best of luck.
Let me know how things go.
Ron
(On April 10th, 2007 at 4:59 pm)
Ron-
Thanks for getting back to me. My sister and my ex have just started talking. It's not an all out friendship however they are plannign to meet. They spoke on the phone several times and both of them are actually pursuing the same career. I said mean things over the phone. I was not myself and I know, I know….I drank so I'm responsible. I'm definitely paying for it now.
She is not forgiving but however she seems to be forgiving after awhile. However, it depends. One of her good friends completely hurt on her birthday. And, now she is actually coming around wanting to know whats going on with her friend. Shes is the middle of a move and I know that this is a stressful time for her. I think that coupled with her lost deposit tip her to react this way more harshly.
I think I need to take your advice on that written letter. this sucks lol.
Frank
(On April 12th, 2007 at 1:41 am)
I was dating my gf for a year and a half, one night after some drinks with friends my gf was driving and dropped us off, as she had to get up and work the next day, long story short I ended up grabbing the breast of my friends girlfriend with him there, the three of us messing around. I ended up coming clean about the issue to her, and we are still together I just dont know how to repair her trust in me. Its been 4 months and there is still a block between us, how can I move more towards getting her and my trust of myself back?
(On April 12th, 2007 at 12:30 pm)
Dear Ron
i need your advice on a current situation ASAP. a while ago i cheated on my boyfriend. it was nothing major, just a meaningless kiss, but it was outside of the boundaries we set up. i was getting a ride from a close friend of mine who has always been hassling me about my boyfriend ( in terms of leaving him) and i eventually gave in to him ( as in kissed him). The reason i did it was because he promised if i did he would stop bugging me. Having done this, on the way home i started to feel guilty. As i got home i called my BF and told him what happened exactly. He was hurt, upset and many other things. Also that he felt as if i was throwing it back in his face because of the fact that we had a conversation about it the day before. It wasnt that he was more upset because i actually kissed the fella, but because he knows who he is and the day before BF also told me he trusted me completely. I feel like an idiot. i tried to talk to him the day after via text messages because he was at classes and tried to see if i could see him on the weekend to talk. He said it was not possible, maybe the day after the weekend because he has a lot of things to do in terms of work and if he deals with this situation right now he would not be able to get any work done.
Ron do you think there is any hope for us. and how should i go about trying to regain his trust and get things back to the way the were or even better. Your Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Cara
(On April 28th, 2007 at 4:51 am)
My boyfriend and I have been going out for just more than a year now. About 6 months ago, I looked at his cell phone when he started acting secretive. I found that he had been texting a girl that he didn't even know, asking for lap dances and pictures of her naked almost everyday for the past month. The thing is that nothing was wrong with our relationship, we weren't fighting and everything (I thought) was perfect. I broke up with him, not being able to believe how heartless he was. When trying to explain, he told me that he only did it when we would fight, and that he didn't know why he did it. Eventually I was able to forgive him, and move on. However, 4 months later, I started to get suspicious again. I got a friend to hit on him online and see what he would do. Well, he ended up cybering with her for a good while, making sure that she didn't know me and wasn't going to tell anyone about this. It was really hard for me, and I couldn't believe that he had the nerve to do all of it again! Afterwards he deleted his email so that he couldn't talk to other girls like that. I know he hasn't done anything with other girls in person, but all the texting and emailing hurts just as bad. He's been telling me that he's trying extremely hard to be a better person, and that hes changed. I recently checked his phone to find that there were no calls or texts to other girls. I want things to go back to normal, but I can never be sure that he's not going to do it again! What should I do? And do you think I should trust him, after he hurt me not once, but twice?
(On May 8th, 2007 at 3:27 pm)
I recently found out my Fiance had been phoning Chat line and using Chat text services. I know he'd done it before using the internet on his mobile and we had a huge fall out and I told him how upset I was over it. He says he doesn't know why he did it. He also promises he's stopped ut he says he did that last time. We were supposed to be getting married in 4 weeks! All trust is lost, I'm so so hurt. We have a great relationship so can't understand why he does it. He says he gets nothing from it so I'm very very confused! Please help! X
(On May 8th, 2007 at 8:20 pm)
Hey G,
I’m a little unclear as to what your intentions were when you grabbed her breast…was it a tickling contest or was there something more to it? If you were just messing around after some drinks and you accidentally made contact with her breast, I don’t think it should be that big of a deal. Now if there was more to it, then that’s a whole other issue. If you were actually touching her in an inappropriate manner, then your girlfriend has every right to be disappointed with your behavior. And if that was the case, I am curious why her boyfriend (your friend) didn’t say anything to you about it.
Four months is an awfully long time and it’s quite possible that she will never really get over it. I’m guessing it was more than just fooling around because otherwise you probably wouldn’t have felt the need to tell her about it. It’s always great when things work out, but we don’t always get the happy ending. It takes two people to work things out and she may not be ready and/or willing to work on forgiving you. If that’s the case, then there is very little that you can really do.
(On May 8th, 2007 at 9:24 pm)
Hey Cara,
How long have the two of you been dating? I ask because I’m trying to get an idea of how deep the relationship goes. If you’ve only been together for a few months, there may not be enough there to hold you guys together. On the other hand, if you have something special, then there’s more of a reason to work things through.
What you did was wrong and you really have to work hard to make things alright again. How you go about this depends on where you left off; so if he has agreed to give you a second chance, then you’ll have to rebuild his trust. This doesn’t necessarily mean that he will forgive you, but at least we know that he’s willing to try.
Start rebuilding the trust by bringing things out into the open and talking things through. You’ll want to reassure him from time to time and keep him in the loop when you go out. For instance, say you go out for a drink with some friends and he stays at home or has to work. Every so often, send him a text message to show that you’re thinking about him. Now that you’ve planted the seed, all that’s left is to care for it and give it time to grow.
The silver lining is that if a relationship can move past something like this, it’s usually stronger than ever. Remember, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.
Sorry for the late response and I really hope things work out for the best.
(On May 16th, 2007 at 12:44 am)
There was definatley a sexual aspect to the entire situation when I grabbed it, and her boyfriend was partaking in much more 'rigorous' action with her than I was.
(On May 16th, 2007 at 11:55 am)
Hello,
I have been reading over some of your stories and I was compelled to share mine in hopes of some sort of comfort. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and for 5 months since December of last year I was talking to other men online and on the phone. Things escalated to where I was having phone sex with all these different guys. I even took out another phone line to use thinking I wouldn't get caught. Well I did and it devastated him…he tells me I'm not who he thought I was and we've been seeing a therapist since he found out about a month ago. My behaviour was addictive and compulsive….I was sexually abused as a child and have had low self esteem all my life. This is believed to be a contributing factor and something I am working on improving. But he always loved me I have no doubt and I can't function without him. Since this happened it has been a rollercoaster one day we are good and he says he loves me but he's so angry at what I did. Another day he's so mad that he punches things and lashes out at me. I know I deserve it so I just listen to his insults and take it. But when he changes his mind I feel my world collapsing. I can't work, I can't eat, I have a hard time concentrating. He says he doesn't know what to do and that he deserves better…a person who he can trust and would betray him like this. I pray everyday that God allows us to go on together but when I see his hurt and anger I feel hopeless. I tell him that we can become stronger because of this and he disagrees says if I loved him I would've thought about what was at stake…can we fix this and have an even better relationship?? The connection we have I know I can never find with anyone else….I can't live without him.
Sincerely,
Guilty and remorseful
(On May 21st, 2007 at 12:16 pm)
Hi,
When I got married, I thought it would last forever. My husband and I were married for 9 years when he started making plans to move abroad for work, but the plans did not include me and our 4 year old daughter. I was confused and felt completely neglected as we hardly spent any time together due to conflicting schedules. I started having an affair with my boss, who happened to be a close friend of ours. The affair lasted for about 10 months when I ended it. However, the last time my boss and I were together, my husband had me followed and confronted me when I arrived back home. Although he had no evidence of an affair, I came clean and told him everything. He was hurt and angry and demanded a divorce. Within 4 weeks the divorce was granted and I found myself in a state of shock as the reality of what had happened had sunk in. We have remained "friends" for the sake of our daughter and have been divorced for 7 months now. However, two months ago he came around and ended up staying the night. For two months we were inseperable and our relationship was better than it had ever been during our marraige. Then suddenly he decided to leave as he said that he feels he cannot trust me and that whenever he is out of town, he constantly wonders if I am with anyone. He also said that what guarantee was there that a future relationship with me would always be this great. I have since changed jobs and have tried everything to show him that I am remorseful and regretful. Loosing him was the worste thing that has ever happened to me. I believe in my heart that he still loves me and is afraid that I may hurt him again. How do I regain his trust and prove to him that without him I am hollow and lost and that I would never do anything to hurt him?
Please help?
(On May 22nd, 2007 at 10:26 am)
I just found out that the man I'm living with sent an email with a photo of himself to a woman from a chatroom. He has apologised and begged me not to leave him and said he wants to become a better person and this was a moment of weakness. Should I stay?
(On May 22nd, 2007 at 10:28 am)
The same man also lied about keeping in touch with a female friend (someone he once sent a sex toy to but swears it's now just friendship) – he is still in touch with her – until now, because I found out. I've found both these things out in one day. In shock.
(On May 26th, 2007 at 7:44 am)
Dear Ron,
I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 10 months now, and we've hit a few rough patches like everyone, but one argument keeps coming up. As I grew up, alcohol was never seen in a good light, and now I am taking it out on my girlfriend. She will drink occasionally, but does not get drunk. For some reason, however, I blow up at her and give her the 20 questions (who, what, where, when, why, how much… etc). I trust her, but I don't trust anyone else that she might be with because of my past experiences.
I've tried calming down and not getting so jumpy, but for some reason, my mind hits 100 mph, and I can't stop. Is there any way that I can keep myself from losing my control and help rebuild her trust in me?
Thanks,
Don
(On June 2nd, 2007 at 11:16 pm)
Dear Ron,
I have been reading the heartache that people are feeling and it inspired me to write. Mainly because I feel that you all understand.
I have been living with a guy for 18months. When we met he drank quite a bit and at first I thought I could handle it but as time went on I realized that this was an issue for me and I didn't want to deal with a 'drinker'. We discussed this and I stated that as much as I loved him I didn't want to live my life this way and that unless his drinking changed then we needed to part. That it was his choice. Over the next 12 months he did try and gradually had some control over his drinking. There are many things that are uneven in our relationship as he works sparodically (he does play 1 day a week in a band)and I work full-time. He is living in my house and makes minimal contributions due to the fact that he is not working that often. When he does work he does contribute. Recently however I have found out that he lies about many things. Stupid things like he has paid a bill or the registration on the car (plus other things). I found out about the registration when he was picked up by the police for driving unregistered. I then asked him to leave as I wanted some space to digest all of this and needed emotional space from him. During this time I did look into his e-mail account as I was beginning to wonder who this man I loved was and found out that he had registered onto 3 dating sites. When confronted he first of all said that someone had set him up and he knew nothing about them. When I told him that there was no way we could be together unless he could tell the truth he confessed and said he had done it because he was bored and that he had never followed up on these. I am devastated and almost feeling numb about it all. He has said that he loves me and that he knows he has done wrong and he will never lie to me again. I don't believe him but at the same time I feel like I want to work through these problems. The reason I think I am not just walking away is that he had tried so hard with the drinking and I respect the fact that he has done that but god this time I am shattered!
He is back living with me but it feels like I am just going through the motions and if I begin to feel I just may never stop crying.
Janene
(On June 3rd, 2007 at 5:46 am)
Hi Janene,
I am having similar trust problems with my partner. If you need a friend, my email is virtualvelouria@aol.com
Annie x
(On June 5th, 2007 at 9:23 am)
Hi,
I came across this website because I don't know how to over come my fears and insecurites and try to repair the broken trust that my boyfriend of almost 4 years has betrayed. Ok I will try and make my story as short as possible. through out the four years he has broken my trust not once but twice by cheating on me both times I have found out and have taken him back with promises that he will never do it again. It has been a little over a year since the last time. Yet I still go through his phone and worry about him hurting me again. lately my insecurites have been off the charts to say becasue of a female coworker he has become friends with. I am not comfort with this situation and even more uncomfortable with the fact that they have now exchanged phone numbers he only admited to this after the fact of finding out by going through his phone, which he hates and gets anger at me for doing so. He tells me that i have nothing to worry about and that my fears and insecurities are ruining the relationship and that he deserves a little trust. Normally I can understand this and realize I could be over reacting but because of his past I am fearing the worst. I know I can't forbid him from ever talking to girls, but how do I overcome this fear inside and trust him again, or is that out of the question. I know I probaly should of ended it a long time ago but, I didn't and choose to work through it i still love him and didn't want to walk away from the commitment that I had put in to the relationship. I have asked him to stop talking to her but he refuses to since he says what am I going to tell her "sorry I can't talk to you cause my girlfriend is insecure" he says he enjoys talking to her on his breaks and isnt going to stop. I guess I don't trust him yet but he is not making it easy to regain the trust. he feels a years is long enough help.
(On June 22nd, 2007 at 5:50 pm)
Dear Remorseful,
I am sorry for the pain you experienced when you suffered through sexual abuse. You are right that the addictive and compulsive behaviors are a direct result. Though that isn’t an excuse for negative behavior, it is the reason. You are doing the right thing. You have entered therapy, and have begun working on those issues.
Your boyfriend has every right to be hurt, upset, and yes, even angry. But he doesn’t have the right to direct that anger towards you- neither verbally or physically.
I think it is time that your boyfriend seeks counseling as well. Yes, your relationship can be saved. Yes, it can be stronger than before. But your boyfriend has to work through his issues as well. Just as the sexual abuse is the reason behind your compulsive behavior, his wounded heart is behind the angry things he says towards you. However, his pain is the reason for his outbursts, but it is not an excuse.
If you are being verbally abused (and what you are describing is verbal abuse), and it is bringing you to the point of depression and interfering with your life, then it must stop. Either he will need to seek counseling to work through his anger, or I’m afraid your relationship should end. Verbal abuse can quickly escalate into physical abuse, and though you feel guilty and remorseful, you do not deserve to be abused. You stated, “I know I deserve it so I just listen to his insults and take it”. This is not true. You do not deserve this. If your boyfriend truly forgives you, then he will leave the past behind and you both will move forward with your relationship. If he feels that he needs to continually “punish” you for what you’ve done, then I feel the best thing for you to do is move on with your life.
You also stated that “you can’t function without him”. This isn’t true either. No matter how dependent on him you may feel, you can make it on your own. I also recommend that not only should both of you seek individual counseling, but you should take couples counseling as well.
However, if the verbal abuse continues or escalates into physical abuse, I suggest that you leave immediately.
(On June 22nd, 2007 at 5:56 pm)
Dear Zita,
My heart goes out to you, as we have all made mistakes in life. Unfortunately, there is no magic formula of how you can restore trust with your ex-husband. It is good that he has agreed to remain friends. But ultimately, it is his decision of how far he is willing to take the relationship with you.
Have you asked him exactly what you can do to help him trust you? It may seem simple, but it may be overlooked. He is scared of being hurt again, and the question really isn’t “What can you do to make him trust you?” it is rather, “Is he willing to take a chance and trust you again?”
Let him know how you feel, but clearly make him understand that you respect his feelings, and make sure that you never blame him or become angry that he feels this way. He is obviously torn with his feelings, and is trying to protect himself from being hurt again.
Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that we won’t be hurt in relationships. It is a chance that we all take.
I hope for your sake that he will decide to take that chance.
(On June 22nd, 2007 at 5:57 pm)
Dear Annie,
I can understand your shock. That was a lot to discover in one day. However, since you discovered that your boyfriend is contacting other women behind your back, you will need to make some decisions.
The question of whether you should stay or leave is a difficult one, and one that only you can answer. However, it is important to take a closer look at what he said, “It was a moment of weakness”.
I would like to ask him how many other “moments of weakness” has he had, and why is he feeling so “weak” to begin with.
Has he explained to you what was making him weak in the first place? The answer to whether you should stay or leave might be found in that answer. What were the circumstances that led to him contacting these women?
Were you two fighting? Had you recently broke up then come back together? You deserve to know why he felt the need to contact other women and mail them a photo of himself. Once you find that answer, you will have more information with which to make your decision.
(On June 22nd, 2007 at 5:59 pm)
Dear Don,
Alcohol is definitely a concern, and you have every right to worry about the safety of your girlfriend if she is drinking. However, it is never a good idea to “blow up”. What was the extent of your outburst? How much control did you lose when questioning her about the extent of her drinking?
Also, is she going out with friends and drinking without you? Maybe you could go along with her; you wouldn’t have to drink. Or is she spending time alone with the girls after work and having a few drinks then? However, if she isn’t getting drunk, how are you sure that she is drinking? Do you think it is possible that you are overreacting and she isn’t drinking?
Yet, if she is drinking then you aren’t alone. Many boyfriends feel protective of their girlfriends, especially if they are out partying or drinking alcohol.
The best route would be for you and your girlfriend to find a compromise regarding her activities and drinking alcohol.
Though I need a bit more information from you before I can offer my advice,
Thanks.
(On June 23rd, 2007 at 10:12 am)
Hey Janene,
I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. I understand that you have put walls up to protect yourself from breaking down. However, I feel that it has come to the point where you need to protect yourself.
Lying about the registration, then being pulled over by the police is more than just being irresponsible. Since you said that he has a drinking problem, I suspect there may be a drug problem as well. If he is telling you that he is paying bills, but the bills aren’t being paid, do you know what is happening to the money? For instance, what did he do with the money for the car registration?
Not only can he not be trusted, he is a liability. What if you were the one pulled over driving the car while it was unregistered? Would he even be able to help you? You are the one who seems to be supporting him. He has had a drinking problem, works minimal hours, and contributes only when he is working, doesn’t pay the bills, and then on top of all that, you find out that he is registering for dating sites! In addition to all of that, his first response was to lie when you asked him about the sites.
I wouldn’t believe one thing he says, and would get out of that relationship as soon as possible.
You deserve better, Janene, really you do.
(On June 23rd, 2007 at 10:13 am)
Hey Amber,
How can I put this lightly, ummm, “Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk.” Ok, maybe that sounds a bit harsh, but honestly. He cheated on you twice, then gives his phone number to a coworker, and expects you to trust him? What did you say to him when he told you, “He deserves a little trust.”? After cheating on you twice, why should you trust him? In fact, he didn’t tell you about his relationship with the new coworker, you found out.
He isn’t working on repairing the trust relationship with you. He betrayed you, and is telling you point blank that he will talk to whom he wants, when he wants. I’m sorry that he cheated on you twice, and I think your suspicions are right. Trust takes a long time to be repaired, and he isn’t taking the steps that you need for it to be established. In fact, he is working counterproductive to reestablishing that trust.
I would take a long close look and decide if you really want to continue this relationship.
All the best.
(On July 3rd, 2007 at 8:55 am)
Dear Ron,
After a devastating break up, lines of communication in my relationship are open to my surprise. I'm not saying that it's fix, far from that. However, trust and respect is broken. And, there is still anger in her voice.
What happen was a night of careless drinking on my part followed my rude insults and demeaning comments to her. this was not the first time and she had enough. after 4 months, I approach her yet i feel i get this jackel/hyde from her. one moment, she is ok and the next she is angry and highly stressed.
I've been doing all i can to better myself and not drink and improve my self such as working out and taking therapy for my issues. My question for you is how do I begin to gain her trust and respect back. Let her know that I'm trying but having her "listen" to that.
thanks.
tony.
(On July 3rd, 2007 at 3:13 pm)
My husband is deployed and while he was in training I found some incriminationg emailsf rom a girl he works with. I confronted him with it and he kept telling me it was a joke that she was messing around with his friend. I ended up going to see him right beofre he left and we had a great time. He promised not to talk to her anymore.
Well, while he was home on R & R I found out that he was still emailing her from a hotmail account that I did not know he had. Well, he came h ome and let me read the emails. Granted there was nothing about Imiss you or can't wait to see you but it bothered me because he lied to me.
Well, he left and we had talked everything over. It still bothered me. So I emailed the girl and she reassured me nothing was going on and that they were just friends and even went as far as to invite me to go get coffee so we could talk face to face about it. He keeps insisitng that I am the only one he wants. While he was home nothing was unusual between us, everything was the same.
Some people think I am jumping to conclusions because I really have no proof of anything. What should I do?
(On July 5th, 2007 at 7:15 pm)
Tony,
I understand your frustration and commend you for taking the time to work things out with your partner, especially going to therapy. You are doing the right thing, and working out is an excellent way to handle frustration.
At this point, all you can really do is have patience. It takes time for women to rebuild trust, and as long as she continues to see the changes in you, it will be restored. However, this doesn’t occur over night (though sometimes we wish it did), but if you continue down the path that you are on, the trust will be restored. I am sure that she is "listening" more than you realize. However, she is listening with her eyes, by watching what you do. The more she sees that you’ve changed, the more it will sink in, and her "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" attitudes will change as well.
Hang in there, you’re doing a great job.
(On July 5th, 2007 at 7:27 pm)
Dear Tara,
I understand your suspicions, and it wasn’t right for your husband to hide the email account, however he did let you read the emails. It is a complicated matter since you don’t have any solid evidence to go on.
My advice is to take the woman up on her offer and go out for coffee with her. You may be able to find out more about her feelings towards your husband if you are out with her face to face. She offered, so why not go?
This will also give you the chance to share your feelings and concerns. He is your husband, not hers and in my opinion, you have every right to expect that your husband stop emailing her.
I would also be curious to know how your husband’s reaction is when you tell him that the two of you are going out for coffee together. If he becomes hesitant and thinks it’s a bad idea, that could signify that he is hiding something.
However, there is another possibility. It may be that your husband isn’t interested in her, but that she is interested in your husband. If that is the case, then I would make sure that while you were enjoying your coffee, to firmly tell her to back off.
(On July 6th, 2007 at 6:43 am)
Hi Ron,
Thanks very much for responding to my previous message. It means a lot to have such an intelligent, impartial reponse as I've been having a hard time battling between my head and heart.
His moment of 'weakness' in the chatroom was down to low self-esteem, according to him. He has a high sexual drive towards fantasising about 2 women and this is the sort of stimulation he was seeking in the chatroom – we used to fantasise a lot together but the more serious our relationship became the less inclined I was to include a hypothetical third party – I didn't cut it out but simply reduced the amount of times we introduced it. However, he was missing this and felt that he shouldn't approach me about it because it wasn't worth my time or attention – low self esteem – and decided, he said, selfishly, to pursue it in the chatroom. After he sent the photo to the women he found, there was a technical problem and she didn't receive it and the cyber $ex never took place. He claimed he then logged off and realised it was the wrong thing to do. However, the intention was there – and therein lies the deceipt, in my view.
He has signed up to see a counsellor about his theory of low self esteem and claims he will never lie to me again.
I'm still confused about what to do. I am worried that if I make the effort to rebuild trust it will be for nothing.
Thanks for listening – any comments are most welcome as I haven't spoken to anyone about this,
Annie
(On July 10th, 2007 at 7:58 pm)
I was recently dumped by a woman that I really loved.
It all started when I went to a bar I frequent and saw her there with a large group of people that she has been drinking with for the last few months. One of her guy friends grabbed her arm in a flirtatious manner. I kept my mouth shut at the time because I didn't want to appear crazy in front of her friends and upset her as well. she later told me that that is the way the guy acts and it isn't serious. she also told me i should have said something to him.
after that point i became extremely paranoid and jealous. i browsed the myspace page of one of the guys she hangs out with at the bar and she had left a couple comments. one was "you gotta dance with me out at the beach friday night."
i confronted her about it and made up a story that one of her friends had told me she cheated on me with this guy. she assured me nothing happened, and i believed her.
things went very well for a few months after this until she came to my house one night after a night of drinking at a bar. we were making love and she received a text from a guy named mike (someone who had recently joined her "drinking gang" at the bar). i got extremely upset and asked her who that was and she lied, telling me it was an old friend.
i managed to log in to her myspace because i had seen her type her password a few weeks prior. i saw messages from this guy, telling her they should have alone time to have deep conversation, and she agreed saying they should hang out more.
she even said her son was cute and "looked like her daddy."
i confronted her about it and told her i had looked at her myspace. she called me a creep and a psycho and refuses to talk to me. it seems that she was upset and felt guilty that i caught her talking to this guy. she said i shouldn't have invaded her privacy, but i had to go with my gut feeling.
do you think she cheated? do you think she really loved me? i thought the relationship was great and i felt that she meant it when she said she loved me.
i truly love her and i want to be with her. should i give it time? i've been having these thoughts of being away for her for a couple years then contacting her again to see if we can rekindle something. i need your advice!
(On July 13th, 2007 at 12:22 am)
Hi Jess,
I’m sorry for the difficult time you are going through. You were right to feel suspicious; she was spending a lot of time with other people. It seems that maybe she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship with you. You mentioned that you saw her at the bar with her friends and she was talking to the guy that caused you to feel suspicious. It seems that she really enjoys her space, her privacy, and her social activities.
I know it hurts, but I think this separation is for the best. I believe that there is a level of privacy that should be maintained in a healthy relationship, but when someone needs a large amount of privacy, that may mean they are not ready to make a serious commitment.
It may be difficult, but I feel the best thing is to let her go and move on. Wait for the woman who is ready to open her life to you completely, trust me, you will be much happier in that relationship, then in one where you are constantly wondering what is going on behind your back.
Good luck.
(On July 21st, 2007 at 6:11 am)
My fiance and I have been arguing over the seating arrangements for the reception at our wedding on August 4th, 2007. It started with my mother insisting that she wanted assigned seating and we wanted open seating. Long story short, it is now at the point that my mother is happy with a few reserved tables on both sides. I like the idea as well because I think that having my out of town guests (im in ohio and i have several from CA) get a seat close to us as well. My fiance insists that he can't chose just some of his family to sit close and that its not proper. Earlier this week, after I had 3 nervous breakdowns, one where I couldn't breathe and I almost went to the ER, he kept telling me that he would do whatever I wanted because he knew how much stress I was under. He even said he was flexible with whatever decision. However, he is clearly not. I have been walking around on eggshells lately just trying not to make him mad. We got into a really heated argument about this last night and I called his Aunt to get some advice. I knew that he would not like this, but he would not listen to my side during the argument. he told me that my side did not make sense. After I got his Aunt's wise advice which sounded like a good compromise and good solution, I told him that I had called her. Now he is FURIOUS that i did this because now there will be uncomfortableness between him and his aunt. I didn't do this to hurt him. I just thought this argument was so stupid that we just needed some good advice from someone outside the emotions. Now I really don't know what to do. He won't speak to me. He almost left the house last night but I begged him to stay. He slept on the couch last night and refuses to say anything at all to me. I love him so much and I don't want to call things off, however, I think that is the path that he going to. I told him I was sorry a million times and that i did break his trust, but I also gave him my reasons for it. I dont' want to lose him. What should i do? —needs help NOW
(On July 23rd, 2007 at 8:23 am)
Hi Amanda,
I understand how much stress you are under. Planning a wedding is the biggest day of your life, a dream come true. However, it doesn’t take much to watch the dream become a nightmare. Well meaning family members, seating arrangements, and emotional triggers can take over and cause you and your fiancé to lose sight of what’s most important – your love.
First, I would like to offer my advice with the hopes that it is well received and will see you two begin your life together in peace, joy, and love. With that said, I would like to suggest that you and your fiancé make the decisions for your wedding together – not his aunt, or your mother. Some men in general have no interest in having a say in these matters, and are fine leaving all of the details to the bride-to-be. However, it doesn’t sound as if your fiancé is one of those men.
It sounds as if he has valid reasons for feeling that his opinion is being overlooked and possibly ignored. You will be spending your life with him, not your mother or his aunt. Though I understand your reasons for calling his Aunt and seeking her advice, you hurt your fiancés feelings by not working through the problem with him. Also, he hurt your feelings when he wouldn’t listen to you, and told you that your side didn’t make sense. There is an obvious lack of communication between the two most important people in the wedding – the future bride and groom.
I suggest that you work out this issue before you commit to walking down the aisle. I also suggest that you and your fiancé determine how much of an influence family members will have in your relationship. Remember, it is you and your fiancé that will be spending your lives together. If that means family members need to take a back seat then that is the proper place where they belong. If family members are already coming in between your relationship, it will only get worse once you are married.
It can be a difficult decision to make, but family members must have certain boundaries when it comes to a new relationship. Sometimes, the best mistakes are the ones that are made by you and your husband together, even when older family members have given wise counsel. It is a difficult decision to make, to trust your husband (or vice versa) when well-meaning family members are giving advice, but they are not the ones you are marrying.
For a marriage to work, there has to be a partnership between both parties. I believe that you and your fiancé have a choice to make, and some serious issues to look at before walking down the aisle.
Together you need to set the boundary line, and come to a conclusion regarding how much influence family members will have in your relationship. You and your fiancé must find a way to communicate and discuss these issues. If not, then I highly suggest you put the wedding on hold.
(On August 2nd, 2007 at 7:30 am)
I too have a similar issue going on. My boyfriend of 4 years and fiance for 2yrs just recently was exposed cheating on me with some girl off the internet. He has been cheating for about 6months online with her and just recently started to meet with her. Before I busted him. I was deeply hurt because of his actions and all of his lies. But also because we have a son together that is turning 2 and one on the way, along with a brand new house, two new cars and a career. I was shocked to hear him say that he wanted to leave us and be single so he could date other women.(Quoting that he was never able to be single and do whatever he wanted) We have been together since he was 19 and I was 22. We had planned to get married this September and had paid for almost everything when I caught him cheating and I called off the wedding. He says that he is sorry that he fell out of love with me and that he is willing to work out our issues but just not right now. He says he wants to be alone and needs me to focus on myself and not our relationship (quote get back to the way I was before I met him). But I dont think he understands that if I dont have any clarity on our relationship how am I going to be able to move on with my own life. I really love him and I have forgiven him for is infidelity and for crashing my wedding dreams I do agree that we did move our relationship a bit fast but he has had four years to speak up about his feelings long before we had kids involved, mortgages and finances, and before I quit my executive job. I cant help but to feel as if I have been cheated in this whole situation but I have taken responsiblity for my part in this whole thing and I have even gone as far as trying to get counseling and praying about it. but he seems to me as if he isnt wanting to reconcile at all. He told me that he had been trying and that he fell out of love with me last year after he told me to quit my career job to stay at home with his son. I quit my job thinking it was making him happy to be the provider for the family but I now look back and realize that was a bad choice on my part. Because it just did the opposite. I want to work it out but is it worth it if he is so hell bent on being single and leaving his family?
(On August 2nd, 2007 at 10:38 am)
Hi Ron,
My issue is not complex, just tiresome. It starts by saying I did not have the best childhood. My father cheated on my mother multiple times with women over the internet and which caused some deep rooted trust issues down the road for my sister and I.
I'm in a serious relationship, which I have damaged due to this fact. A few weeks ago, I stumbled (yes, by accident) upon some incriminating evidence that my partner was looking at a girl's pictures daily. She's a good looking girl, who lives about 100 miles away where his best friend lives and he visits quite frequently (he has never met this girl in person). After confronting him, not in a hostile way, just in a way to find answers and understanding, he immediately got angry for looking through his computer. Once I explained my process of stumbling upon it, he said he understood but was still very angry. He was also unable to explain looking at the girl's pictures, except to say that it was nothing.
A few weeks later, still feeling uneasy about this situation, especially since he plans to visit his friend in a couple of weeks, I noticed his email was left logged into on his computer while I was staying at his apartment using it. Although I knew it was wrong to snoop, I couldnt resist but to prepare myself for the worst and look. He was in fact emailing the girl, simply asking about different places to go while visiting his friend, but at the same time kept it from me that they were even in contact. In fact, he blatently lied to me when I asked him.
Feeling guilty about going through his email, I came clean the next day, explaining only that I knew what I did was wrong but that my trust issues came in the way of my rational thinking.
Since this is my second time doing this in his eyes, he is having a hard time trusting me. Although we have talked and both decided that we want to make the relationship work, I feel like as the days go by, its only harder to deal with. (this happened only about 3 days ago).
At this point, I do not know what to do. Is our relationship irrepairable because of my actions? Help!
(On August 3rd, 2007 at 1:46 am)
Hi Toshia,
I am so sorry for all of the pain you are experiencing. I think it is just awful how he is treating you, especially since you are pregnant. However, I think that you are better off without him. He made this decision, not you. It isn’t your fault and you sound like a brilliant woman who can make it without him. It may be difficult, but it will be worth it. He is very selfish to not only cheat on you while you are pregnant, but he asked you to give up your job and stay home, you did that. Now he thinks that he can play the field and leave you waiting in the wings until he decides what he wants to do. That is absurd.
He doesn’t deserve to have you as a "possibility" in the future. He has blown it big time, and you don’t have to put up with it. I would let him go and make sure that he pays you child support.
You said that you went to counseling and prayed about the situation, God works in mysterious ways, and the end of this relationship, may just be the answer to your prayers. Any man who will cheat on you while you are pregnant not only has no respect for you, but also has no respect for your unborn baby. You did your best to create a family with him, but he wasn’t satisfied.
Let him go and I am sure that you’ll find happiness. Concentrate on your babies, and make sure that he legally gives you the financial support that you deserve. Also, make sure that you let the judge know that he insisted that you give up your job. The judge may award you money to become reestablished, even though you aren’t married. You still have children together.
Take care and let me know what happens.
(On August 3rd, 2007 at 1:51 am)
Hi Alicia,
First, let me say that you did absolutely nothing wrong. The only person guilty here is your partner. I suspect he has laid a heavy guilt trip on you for looking at his emails, but he needs to realize that his emailing her behind your back is wrong. You are not irrational for looking through his emails when you caught him in a lie.
The person who has broken trust and committed possible irreparable damage to the relationship is him, not you. You have every right to suspect that he is planning on seeing this girl when he visits his friend. Has he invited you to go with him for the trip?
The signs are great that he is cheating or is planning on cheating, and you have every right to find out the truth. I wouldn’t apologize to him one more time for looking through his computer. Has he apologized to you for talking to this girl behind your back?
If he wants to work things out, then I would make certain that he cuts off all contact with this other girl. If he doesn’t then I think it is obvious that he has damaged the relationship and has no intent on fixing it, or reassuring you of his feelings for you.
I hope this turns out in your favor, please keep me posted on what happens.
(On August 6th, 2007 at 12:58 am)
hi ron, this is gonna be a long one..
i was in the process of breaking up with my ex when i met a girl at my job. i was completely taken by her and fell head over heals in love with her… the problem was that i was still with my ex, the mother of my kids.. i lied to my ex about her and lied to her about my ex, i basically told her my ex and i had broken up when it was not so..at least not yet..
the girl and i carried a relationship for almost a year b4 it blew up in my face…my ex and i finally broke up and the girl and i continue to stay together trying to work things out…
i just found out recently that she was cheating on me via internet with a guy who lives out of town.. she told the guy that we werent together, that we werent serious,that she lived alone, all of which was false..(we moved in together)
she went on elaborate lie and until i spoke to the guy and confronted her she continued to lie.the guy apologized to me and tols me i was with someone who was decietful.. now since i had lied to her i tried to put it past me and try to make things work cause i loved her… now recently i found out that she slept with another guy a couple mths into our relationship.. she claims that she was drunk and he raped her, and she didnt remeber anything till he approached about t 2 mths l8r.. i find this very hard to believeand its killing me inside because her and i arew having a baby together and we just broke up over this..reason why is that when i lied to her about my ex, when she stipulated to me that i had to tell my ex in front of her that i wanted to be with her i did it to save our relationship, she also stipulated that she talk to my ex ad i didnt go against that either.. i did everything i had to, to keep her and make her have peace with mind, now i ask the same of her and she wont do it… her excuse is that she says i will do something to the guy.. i am a man that will never do something as stupid, but i feel that for our relationship to continue i need peace of mind by knowing who the guy is.. she wont even let me know who he is…am i wrong for that? i have the feeling that there is more to this story than she is telling me.. why is she preferring to not be with me than let me know who this guy is?
i basically told her that unless i know who he is i couldnt be with her because i need to know so i can have peace of mind.. she refuses and says she'd rather not be with me than tell me who he is…how come i have to give in to her for her peace of mind and she cant do the same.. we r having a baby together and im in so much pain over this.. isnt our relationship important enough that she would do whatever it took to give me peace of mind? im thinking that she was a willing participant and doesnt want to tell me and doesnt want the guty to tell me.. i cant be with her and have this over my head… i love her so much but unless she tells me who the guy is our relationship is completely done…she had the oppurtunity to confront the woman i was with aside from her.. why cant i do the same? she prefers to not be with me cause she says im gonna do something to him.. thats a weak excuse cause why would i do something to a guy who slept with her and she was willing? she denies that but wont give me the evidence for peace of mind.. should i just let this ride and move on?? i already have but wanted a different opinion… i cant and i wont be with her unless i see this guy and speak to him.. i need to know what happened, the same way she had the chance to when the show was on the other foot….there is an unborn baby involved in this… why is she so gung-ho about me not meeting =,seeing,or talking to this guy?? are my suspicions the right one? plz help…
(On August 8th, 2007 at 4:23 am)
Dear Ron
I have been with my partner for almost 2 years now. We moved in together last June. Before we started seeing each other we had an affair which lasted for over a year. Over all, we have known each other for almost 7 years. Recently, I have dealt a double blow to her trust and love, and I am at a loss. I have been trying to rebuild the trust but I don't seem to making any progress.
While we were having an affair, I had a flirtatious relationship with another woman (whom I had known a little at university) by email. We never met because she lived hundreds of miles away. When my partner and I got together, she asked me to break off contact with this other woman and I did. Some time passed. In February or March of this year, the distant woman emailed me out of the blue. And I replied. As a result, an email correspondence began. It was on friendly terms only and contained none of the flirtation that had consituted our relationship before. The correspondence came to light and, of course, my partner was furious.
However, this is not all. By way of introduction, let me say that I draw considerable erotic satisfaction from imagining my partner with another woman or women. We have frequently fantasised about group encounters of this kind. A typical fantasy would make her, or at least her actions within the fantasy, the centre of attention; I am merely another participant. Because of the satisfaction this gives, it became a staple of our sex life. Unfortunately, after a while, my partner became uncomfortable with it. She felt that the other woman was becoming more and more signficant, particularly because, when she noticed a woman she found attractive in my absence, I would ask for a description. For me, it was just about completing the visual aspect of the fantasy; for her it seemed more like an inappropriate re-direction of my desire to the other woman's body. To cut to the end, she asked that we significantly reduce the number of such fantasies, and because of her discomfort, they stopped altogether. After a while, I became frustrated. I needed the stimulation of the fantasy and was unable to conjure it by myself. So, instead of doing the sensible and mature thing, and raising the issue with my partner, I went into a chat room behind her back and tried to find someone to fantasise with. The woman I found wanted my photograph, which I sent, but while she was waiting to receive it, I got cold feet and shut down the computer. My partner found the photograph in my Sent Items.
The combination of these two events has had a terrible detrimental effect on our relationship. It has all but destroyed it. My partner is devastated, unsurprisingly. And the ambiguity of our situation before our relationship started in earnest may have contributed to a general sense of unease. I have tried hard to understand why I did these things and have reached the conclusion that it was a result of low self esteem, which in turn caused a lack of moral fibre, an inability to hold to the values that I know are right.
So far, I have tried hard to show my love for my partner and behave in a consistently supportive manner; I have not always succeeded as the strain of our relationship tumbling has been hard to bear at times, as well as the remorse I feel for causing so much damage. I have tried to behave in a consistent manner, to reassure my partner, to help her when I can with anything she is doing, and to show here that I am on her side, and to remind her what I am really like, I suppose. I have organised daytrips, done her favours (that I would normally do but perhaps have not kept to so often recently), told her that I love her as often as I can. I even cut off all my female friends, so that there was no chance I could begin any inappropriate kind of correspondence with any of them again, even though I had never had feelings for most of them (though I should say that I had had feelings for two of them years before).
However, nothing I have done seems to be able to break down the wall that has gone up between us. She watches me all the time in public, to see if my eyes lead to other women; she checks my email; she is tense and unhappy. And it is all my fault.
My question for you is, in there anything more I can do? I am not well off, so extravagant holidays and gifts are problematic, and I have read elsewhere that it is not constructive to do things now which will not be the norm in the future. Please help me if you can, with any advice at all about how I can reach her. I very much want to repair the damage I have done so that the relationship can begin to grow again.
Yours
Howard
(On August 8th, 2007 at 12:06 pm)
Hi Kickasteel,
I think that you are being fair and reasonable in wanting to know who the other guy is. You also have the right to expect the same type of treatment that you gave her. I agree with you that there is something deeper going on. I would also question whether or not you are the baby’s father. Do you think there is a possibility the other guy may be the baby’s daddy? I would request a paternity test after the baby’s born to make sure.
Unfortunately, there is very little you can do. She is making these decisions to keep this man’s identity a secret from you. I believe that the trust in your relationship has been greatly damaged and needs counseling to be repaired. If she isn’t willing to try counseling, then I think you are wise to break off the relationship.
Either way, I would definitely have a paternity test taken.
Good Luck
(On August 8th, 2007 at 1:56 pm)
Dear Howard,
You are victim of a cycle that snares many relationships. Though many people may state that open relationships, swinging, or group sexual encounters are healthy for a relationship, the truth is that they are not. There is something that seems to be innately bred within a person that leads them to a one-on-one relationship.
Though fantasies look alluring, they are just that, “fantasy”. They are unrealistic images that in turn detract from the love two people share in reality. Your partner is a living witness of how emotionally damaging fantasy and group encounters can become.
There have been group sex partners that co-existed for decades, only for one day to turn away from one partner and become a duo.
The element of jealousy is inescapable in this type of situation. Of course, the fantasy never shows that aspect. Women are innately sensitive and seek exclusive relationships. It is the inner thread that weaves the relationship. No matter if they were willing, or sexually excited at the participation and group sex, whether in fantasy or reality, every instance will pull on that thread and eventually, the relationship will unravel.
There is another aspect to this situation that is sad. The mind plays a vital role in sex, and your mind has been programmed to be stimulated by group sex. It isn’t impossible to work through those images and begin to retrain your mind on being sexually stimulated by your partner alone, but it will be a struggle and cause a lot of determination on your part.
This is what your partner wants. Even though she participated in the fantasies, she is distraught to learn that she is not the center of your life, or the focus of your fantasies. No matter what women say, they want to be the only woman in their man’s life.
Of course your relationship can be repaired. However, since you both were so open about creating fantasies together, why not be equally open sexually with one another to undo the fantasies.
I suggest that you explore each other’s sexuality without the use of fantasy. By spending time together in a therapeutic way, by engaging in frequent intimate sexual time together, you can undo the damage.
If you are having difficulties being aroused sexually without the use of the fantasies, let her know and ask her to work through it with you. There is no excuse not to be open with her in this area, since you were both actively engaged in sharing group sex fantasies together.
I do have one piece of advice. If you want to make this relationship work, you will have to stop the group sex fantasies. Since she is so aware that you are doing this, and you were compelled to seek someone on the Internet behind her back, there is good indication that you have a sexual addiction.
You may want to seek therapy, or work through the addiction with your partner. I truly believe that between the two of you, you have the skill and tools needed to move forward and enjoy a wonderful relationship that focuses solely on the two of you.
(On September 17th, 2007 at 4:22 pm)
hi,
I've been in a committed relationship now for about 3 years. Initially, our love life was very strong, but within a matter of months, things declined. This may be very embarrassing, but I think it matters in getting a fair response… I tended to look at adult web sites rather frequently (once or twice a day) for quite a while, and it had become a programmed part of my life, I guess it helped to clear my mind and relieve any anxiety. So THAT caused many explosions in between myself and my (hopefully still) girlfriend.
We've lived together now for a little over a year, and she recently caught me sending an email to a girl i dated years ago, but had since reduced to very sparse internet-based correspondence. I feel that I've had trouble letting go of that past relationship, and now she's asked me to stay somewhere else for a few days. I'm absolutely crushed… I feel like I deserve to be feeling this way due to my actions. Due to my inability to let go of the past and move on with an open heart. I love my girlfriend dearly and really want this to work out, but I can't be certain things will work out.
I tended to make little quirks of hers seem like the catalyst for my behavior, when I should have been looking within myself to understand what the problems are within ME, rather than projecting responsibility on to her. I don't really know what I'm looking for here… I guess anything would be great. I'm afraid that my fear of letting go, and seemingly subconscious testing her with my damaging actions, has ruined something very beautiful. I'm working on completely letting go, but cutting any ties I have with any relationships from my past, and realizing that memories, and the feelings that accompany them, are in the past, and are no longer real. I want very much to repair this damage to our relationship, and truly let go of the feelings cropping up from the past. I feel very lost, and alone, and anxiously await a reply… Thank you.
(On September 19th, 2007 at 4:25 pm)
Hi Patrick,
I commend you for taking responsibility for your actions. I only have one simple comment. After reading your post, I feel that the best course of action would be for you to tell your girlfriend everything that you put in this post. Have you shared these deep feelings with her? If you haven’t, I recommend that you express the same sentiment to her that you shared so eloquently in your comment here. Hopefully, she will relent and the days apart will be enough time for her to decide to give you a second chance.
(On October 9th, 2007 at 8:39 am)
Hello,
My name is Robert Pacelli. I am having relationship problems I don't know how to deal with. My girlfriend hung out with the wrong type of people before she met me and her reputation is ruined. Her friends are do drugs and drink and they are underage. Is it wrong to tell her that they are not the right type of people to hang out with. She says she had so much fun with them before, but that is the past. I think that if you are in a relationship you should not be hanging out with those types of people, lets say that they had a party and she was there. There could be boys that do something to her and I would be devasted. Drunk people can not control what they do. I am not saying do not talk to them just don't hang out with them outside of school perhaps. We are also having trust issues, I swear I have never done anything with another women, I love her too much. Her old boy friend was a terrible person. He cheated on her, and ditched her, and lied. He ruined her life in a way. I mean I am guilty too. I lied about something so stupid, but it was nothing serious. She thinks that I am her old boyfriend. I don't think that is just. I am a different person. Everyone has a flaw, we are human. I do not know what to do?
(On October 9th, 2007 at 3:34 pm)
Hi Robert,
Have you ever heard of the old saying…birds of a feather tend to flock together? Well your girlfriend is no exception. On one hand, she may be just like them, and you may be going through some sort of denial. Trust me, don't go down this road. There may be a lot of wonderful qualities about her, but don't get too comfortable seeing her through just googly eyes.
Your friends can serve as a wonderful resource and they can tell you a lot about a person…especially when it comes to things that you may not notice; don't shirk them off as just a dent on her reputation. On the other hand, maybe she's outgrown the 'bad bunch' and will eventually recognize that she needs to start to fly with a new flock, and 'voila', they are no longer your problem.
But in both cases, there must be patience and a real analysis of why you even really love her – sometimes we can mix up our feelings of love; there’s a fine line between the idea of being in love and actually being in love. As for the trust issues, previous relationships – especially the troublesome ones, leave many people with their guard up. Try to be understanding and give her some time to get comfortable around you. Make a point of it to let her know that you are willing to be there for her. In the end, she may or may not come around…at which point you’ll know exactly what to do. As for the Ex – by all means leave him out of all conversations and kindly ask her to do so as well. Communication is key when it comes to trust so make sure the lines are clear.
(On October 10th, 2007 at 8:09 am)
Thank you Ron,
We dated for over 2 years and people were telling me that she was not the greatest person. People would tell me that she was not who I saw her as, and I put my friends comments to the side. It took me to now to realize what they were saying. I wanted to help her so much to change that she started to change me. I got a lot of advice on this topic and everyone says the same thing that if it was meant to be then it will happen. So I went over her house yesterday to try and talk to her about it. She flipped out and told me to give up I never had a chance. So I went home and I admit I was really hurt because you care for someone so much and you realize that she does not feel the same way. But I talked to my friends about it and they are helping me out. So she tried calling me last night to appolige cause she found out I was telling the truth. I was like yeah but she made me sound like her ex boyfriend to her parents. I don't think we can ever be like that again because she does not trust me enough and she will not give up her bad friends. I talked to my friends about it and they said that right now might be the time to take a break. Explore other people and see if she is the right person for me. I don't know what to do about it. I love her, but I think she needs to realize what I have done for and how it will be without me so she can appreciate what I have done for her. What do you think?
(On November 5th, 2007 at 2:40 pm)
hello, i was just wondering if bringing up past mistakes to my husband ( he did some things before we were married that i am just now finding out about)will only work against me. I keep finding little lies that he told me about a year ago when he claims he was "freaking out" prior to marrying me.(he proposed to ME keep in mind) he emailed and called an ex girlfriend, called a coworker and went out to a dance club that he told me was only a dinner function ( that club does not serve dinner). He knows i know about all this and keeps telling me he was just freaking out about marriage and his feeling for me. I have found all this out now and looked through emails and phone records and have not found anything suspicious since we were married, he tells me he is absolutely committed and loves me ever more and is really very loving and affectionate and treats me well. problem is, i cannot stop obsessing over his past when i thought things were great and wonderful and he was out catting around. we also are physically separated for a year right now while he attends a special school and so the trust issue is tearing me apart. will i do more damage if i keep bringing up the past or should i just accept that he was going thru something and now appears to be OK.?? He writes me sweet letters and phones me everyday and appears to be in this totally, but he appeared that way when we were engaged too and look what he was doing then. ??? Help i am having trouble dealing with the past lies and betrayal of trust.
(On November 11th, 2007 at 4:08 pm)
Dear Jodi,
Not having trust in your relationship and constantly bringing up the past may cause problems in your relationship.
You have already stated that since your marriage, you have not found anything suspicious, but still you continue to have doubts.
Since I can only go by your comments, it's hard to tell what type of discussion you had with your husband. Were you honest in telling him how his unfaithfulness made you feel? Did his explanation make you feel that he was truly sorry? If not, did you express those feelings?
Building trust and feeling that you can trust in a marriage after someone has been unfaithful is not just a quick apology, sweep under the rug kind of fix.
Your feelings are valid and when I say that I don't mean that he may be cheating. I mean that they need to be validated.
Tell your husband without being accusatory how you are feeling. If you don't feel comfortable doing so, then seek counseling. Your trust issues could be warranted, but they could also stem from anger, resentment, not knowing how to forgive and let go or even from past hurts that have nothing to do with your husband.
Seeking counseling would be beneficial to you and your husband. Sometimes the problem is beyond our fixes and we need an intervention. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
(On November 19th, 2007 at 7:17 pm)
Hi
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. In that time he has lied to me several times about (non-sexual) encounters with other women. The most damaging of these deceptions occurred within the first year of our relationship, when he went on a trip with some of his close friends. His ex-girlfriend (the one he saw directly before me- he ended it with her in order to be with me in fact) was there as well. I didn't find out until months after they returned, and even then it wasn't him who told me, but a mutual friend who happened to be on the trip. My boyfriend purposefully left out that key bit of information.
Though I am sure that he didn't cheat on me with her, his lie hurt me and damaged my trust in him in a big way. Up until that point I was not jealous, or mistrusting of him at all.
Since that deception, he has lied by omission several times. He has a pattern of not mentioning females who were with him, and not telling me about female friends he had, so that when I did find out about them eventually, I was extremely surprised and upset (especially since he had promised not to lie anymore). Once again, I am certain that he did not do anything sexual with any of these females, but the deception is enough to leave me feeling shaken and mistrusting.
It is partially my fault, I am sure, because since his first couple of lies, I have become insecure, jealous, and paranoid. I don't feel like we have a solid foundation and I always worry that he may be keeping other women from me.
I feel as though he planted a seed of doubt in my mind, and I have taken to nurturing it into a full-blown, dangerous, relationship-destroying plant. He has apologized endlessly for his numerous deceptions, and tried to reassure me that he does not want to cheat or anything.
As far as I know his last "lie" was in January/February (a minor one where he didn't disclose his blossoming friendship with a girl he associated with at University) and he has been honest since. Yet I cannot bring myself to trust him and I periodically get insecure and feel uncomfortable enough that I ask him if he's keeping anything from me. Of course he says that he is being honest. I think that he is being honest, but I have nagging doubts.
They are slowly destroying my relationship with the man I love. How do I get over his indiscretions?
Please please help me. I feel insane with insecurity and jealousy.
(On November 20th, 2007 at 3:12 pm)
Hi May,
That is a very long time to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust. It can be painful and very stressful.
Often we need to really sit back, stop the other voices and really think about why we are feeling these insecurities.
If someone is constantly lying to you and omitting things, then your feelings are definitely valid. However, you do say that you feel he is no longer lying and that you also believe (for certain) he has not been sexually unfaithful to you.
If that is true and you believe these are just friends, then where are the insecurities, paranoia and jealousy coming from? Since I don't know the whole story of why he left his ex-girlfriend for you, could that possibly be in the back of your mind? What I mean is– do you have a fear that he will leave you exactly the way he left her?
In a relationship where there is mutual trust, each of you should be able to have friends that are the opposite sex. If you feel that he is not telling you about these friends because he is worried about your jealousy, then that is a serious problem and you need to tell him how you feel. Hopefully he will respect and validate those feelings.
The only way to get over these hurt feelings (if you truly feel in your gut that he is being honest) is to work on forgiving him. If it is your desire to see this relationship work, then that is where it needs to begin. Be honest with your feelings and try to do it without being too emotional. Often men may react better to logic then emotions.
In the end May, saying you are in love with a person is not the only reason to stay in a relationship. What comes with that love is also important. Trust, commitment, honesty and respect and what each can bring to the table is the only thing that will keep the foundation strong.
(On January 17th, 2008 at 7:34 am)
Hi:
I have a problem, me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years now. For the most part things are good but almost everyday we fight about little things that he feels I do not do for him that he claims he does for me. Now in the past I have lied to him a lot about stupid little things, so I have messed up in the past, but i have came clean every time and I have changed. I've apologized for these things numerous times and i am constantly trying to make up for what I did. But I feel that everything I do goes unnoticed, like hes holding a grudge,and every now and then when I do something wrong he makes a huge ordeal about it and it takes almost a full day just to get him to stop being depressed and upset. I feel i do a lot of things for him that he wants but it doesn't matter to him.
For starters he feels I do not show him enough attention sexually. He feels I do not explore new things, but I feel I have. I've bought lingerie, costumes, toys, I give him massages at least 4-5 times a week, I have had a three some with my best friend(girl) and him (which having a three some was a fantasy of his for a long time). I also show him attention every night,i make sure to make him feel wanted sexually. I have told him numerous time I would like for him to get costumes, i complain that my back hurts and I maybe get a reaction from that once every month and get a massage, but it usually lasts maybe 5 minutes.
Secondly, he never cares to household chores anymore. He used to always cook for me and i would clean up the mess, he has stopped cooking. I do all the cooking and cleaning up now. When it comes to our animals we used to share taking the outside and bathing them. Now all he does is feed them and play with them every so often. Basically he has no general interest in home up keep anymore.
In the long run I feel beat up and unappreciated.I am constantly depressed. I feel he has not even attempted to forgive me for anything. I love him to death, what can i do to get him to notice the things I do and help ease past pains?
Giana
(On January 18th, 2008 at 1:49 pm)
Daer Giana,
It seems like your boyfriend is showing signs that he has not forgiven you. Remember when it comes to us hurting someone, we may want them to forgive us as soon as we come clean with what we have done, but that is not how it usually works.
Verbally that person may admit to forgiving you, but inside they may be still holding on to hurt. Basically it can never be in our/your time, but has to be in their own time.
If you are in this relationship for the long-haul, then you will have to continue to prove that you have changed and are working on healing the relationship. However, if you feel that you have gone above and beyond and are feeling used and disrespected, this will only make you bitter in the long run and may make you want to turn to old habits.
Talking your feelings out is the key. The more things are left unsaid, the more trust and unforgiveness fester, the worse they can become. Try to communicate with him again or if that does not work, try to find a mediator or a counselor.
If he wants this relationship to work, then he will agree to talk, if not then the next step will be up to you.
(On January 24th, 2008 at 3:33 pm)
Hi Ron
My problem started almost as soon as i got with my partner (better i start from the begining to paint a fuller picture.
I was clearing up space on my pc after only being with my partner for about a month when i came across the chat logs of conversations he had had on my pc, being curious i opened one to find him asking this girl if she fancied meeting up for sex or more?
I comfronted him with this straight away and he told me how he had been single for a long while and not gotten out of the habbit as such so i chose to continue the relationship after him promising me that he would never do it agen and that he really wanted our relationship to work.
Things were pretty normal for a few months after that till his behaviour changerd which automatically made me feel something wasnt right he'd just got a new phone but was still carring his old one around with him although he told me he had sent his new number to everyone he knew, so one day he forgot to take his old fone to work with him as he normally did and i had a look to find he'd be texting some girl behind my back with grafic content and pictures.
Agen i confronted him pretty upset this time and we sat down and tlked about it his excuse this time was that when he was younger he didnt get much attention off the girls so that when he gets attention now he cant help himself. We had a long tlk and he asked me how he could prove to me that he wasnt doing it anymore to which i replied with a few suggestions like being more open with me (as he's a very secretive person) which he refused to do point blank, so things were left like that.
In the meantime i continued to feel more and more paranoid about what he was up to behind my back and decided agen once more to check his moblie to see if he had been up to anything and surprise surprise hed done it agen with someonand ex of his this time asking them if they wanted an affair coz his girlfriend would never find out and how much he missed having sex with them.
agen the subject was approached and nothing done about it apart from promises not to do it agen and me wanting to forgive him and forget.
but still the paranoia creeps in and so i continue to check his emails and his mobile till he gets fed up and decides the relationship is over but he still wants to stay close friends to which we continue to see each other him stopping at my house and having sex still.
I try to forget my feelings for him although all this is going on and it tears me apart so much to know hes seeking other female company but like a fool i carry on with the situation till one day i realise theres something going ona nd ask him if hes found someone else (i would never want to be sleeping with him if he was in a relationship) anyways he dodges the converstaion and untill the evening i dont realise when i do im pretty angry with him and confront him via text to which he then admits he is but tells me how he would rather be with me than the girl hes started seeing if things could be different.
now feeling completley confused and hurting loads to think he could mess my head up as much as he had seeing i still had feelings for him and hadnt been able to move on due to this i started feeling very angry with him for messing me around and lashed out doing some appalling things to him which i would not normally behave like.
we cooled things off and had some space and i seemed to manage to sort myself out feeling more confident and happy in myself and my life, and then we started getting close to start with it was just friends but grew into more which i was happy with but the feeling that he wasnt being honest with me came back to me seeing as before my gut feeling had been right before i agen checked his mail to which i found messages off a girl which were suggestive but nothing sent from him to indicate he was incontact the only thing i could see was they had each others numbers and he must be txting her instead i checked his fone but found nothing.
with everything building up i confronted him pretty angry to think he though he could treat me like this agen after all he had already done and sed to which his reply was that she was some girl he had got tlking to ages ago before we were thinking of getting together agen and that she wouldnt leave him alone.
I could understand this to some point as ive had it happen to myself so i let it go but now were at the stage were the way we have been trying to sort things out hasnt worked which is the way he wanted to do things in the first place and just ignor it and pretend it didnt happen, where as i like to tlk about things and find solutions to the problems hes never wanted to. i tried to tlk to him about this the other day and all he could see was i was blaming him for things when in actual fact i was saying that due to the chain of events that have happened between us i have reacted in this way of being angry with him and that i felt we needed to deal with the original problem agen in another way to prevent me feeling like i have done for all this time he wouldnt have any of it and i sed i wouldnt continue the way we were already and that if we couldnt sort something out then it would have to mean the end of our relationship coz it wasnt healthy for the both of us.
well the end of our relationship seemed final and at the last minute he changed his mind and agreed to try things a different way to which hes made little effort here and there and has made me feel so good to think he can try but i still have that little uncertainy of what he might be up to behind my back and wish i could get rid of it.
do you have any ideas?
(On January 28th, 2008 at 2:53 pm)
Dear Clare,
Let me say first of all that you've been through a lot in regards to this relationship and have given it more than your fair share in regards to trying to make it work. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I also believe in forgiveness and giving someone another try when they ask for it, but if by giving them that chance I keep finding more evidence that they are not respecting how much it took for me to let them back into my life, and then it leaves me to rethink that relationship.
Clare, I'm sure you've heard the old saying…hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me… Well, he has shown himself more than once.
Some people stay in a relationship, feeling the mistrust, but not seeing any evidence at all. You have been shown not just once or twice, but a few times.
It's unfortunate, but there are people who will take advantage of that forgiveness. If you don’t change your behavior (meaning that you continue to forgive them and take them back no matter how much they continue to show you that they are not worthy) then they will continue with their hurtful pattern, you risk loosing their respect and maybe even your self-respect. It’s like you are rewarding him every time he decides to be unfaithful or to not be truthful to you.
You can not love someone if you don’t first love yourself. I don’t say this in a half-hazard way or in a flippant way; I say this to you because the more we love ourselves the more we won’t allow people’s behavior to treat us with disrespect. And we will start to notice a change in our relationships. They become better and healthier.
Remember, you can not change the way some people behave, we can only change the way we deal with their behavior.
If you decide to stay in this relationship, then you may have to deal with the reality that he is who he is. Ask him if he is looking for an open relationship where you both are allowed to date. If he wants to continue to see you, but date other people, then it will be up to you to decide to do the same. But remember whatever you decide, make sure it works for the both of you.
I hope this helps.
(On February 15th, 2008 at 5:51 am)
I have an urgent question. I have been dating my boyfriend for seven months. He had told me at the beginning that he was divorced for five years. He knew that was important to me, as I have been burned in relationships where the divorce was new, so i felt safe with him because I thought the divorce stuff was all behind him. I found out from one of his adult children that he wasn't divorced yet (tho they had been separated for 1 1/2 years) and that the wife was just now filing for the divorce. I love this man so very much, but he lied to me and violated a major trust issue. He is following thru with the divorce now and says that the marriage has really been over for many years since his wife had cheated on him. But why did he lie about "being married" and how do I go about learning to forgive him and getting the trust back in our relationship. I want to so badly, but one moment I'm feeling good about it, then something comes up and I think about the lie and the fact that he is still legally married and i get angry all over again. Is there a way to get thru this? Please help.
(On February 18th, 2008 at 9:43 pm)
Dear Debbie,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It’s hard when the person you love has lied and it makes it challenging for us to forgive that person.
But after we have gone through the emotional part of the hurt and anger, we need to step back and go through it analytically, take ourselves out of the equation for a minute, and put ourselves in that person’s place. Has he ever lied to you before? Why did he feel that he needed to keep this from you? There could be many reasons starting from something as simple as his fear of loosing you.
I am definitely not saying that you should dismiss his lying, however I think that we need to think of several points. Is he a good man? Again, has he lied to you before? Do you see yourself building a life with this?
The most important thing is to talk it out and after you do that, it is important for you to let it go. Basically, to not consistently bring it up when you get angered?
And most importantly, can you forgive him of this one indiscretion? If the answer to the questions is yes, then forgiveness is the key. And even if the answer to those questions, is no, then forgiveness is still necessary in order for you to move on.
Most importantly, if you are to forgive him, then you can’t just say the words. You have to live them because if not, anger, mistrust and frustration will eventually hurt the relationship.
Although I don’t have all the particulars of your relationship, I feel that everyone should be given a second chance. That should be your number one question. Can you give him another chance?
If this is a relationship where you’ve already put in a lot of work and you feel committed to it and you also see it as a future, then maybe the two of you seeing a counselor could help.
(On February 29th, 2008 at 11:59 am)
Dear anyone who can offer advice,
I'm at a loss, my boyfriend and i have been together for about a year now. We have had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship mostly because of his actions. From the start we have battled with the internet. Him iming and texting, sending email on myspace to random girls all the time. He’s "just talking" and that’s not a crime. The back story is from the start i would find him talking dirty to other girls and naked pictures, we argued about it but we weren’t "serious" so i let it go. After i moved in i found naked pictures in his inbox of girls that he has been intimate with in the past. the first time i cried so hard i was sick to my stomach but i forgave him. the second time was about 2months later and i couldn’t believe it i was livid i said if you ever do this again i will leave you and never look back, a week later there was another one. He says it was bc he knew i was looking in his email, i say BS haha. That resulted in me starting to pack my stuff up and ready to walk out the door realizing we had both done each other wrong. I was going through his email looking for anything to catch him bc i knew it was only a matter of time. we worked through it, me pouring out my heart that what he is doing was ripping my heart out and how could he do that, he doesn’t love me if he would want to have these kind of conversations with girls, how would he feel if i was looking or sending pictures out of myself. I love this man I am trying so hard to trust him but I don’t know if I ever can when each time he looked me in the eye and said I wont ever do it again. Why should I believe him now when he tells me he wont. He has changed his behavior a lot to show me he loves me and is serious about this, but I still feel there is a level of deception or dishonesty there…He deleted his myspace and people off of his buddy list and doesn’t live online anymore like he use to, but anytime I see a new girl added to his buddy list it makes me feel that crazy sick feeling inside of me again, like its only a matter of time before it happens again. If it does happen again he knows I’m done and ill never speak to him again but I feel like I shouldn’t have to make threats…. Isn’t it what’s in the heart…if he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did or “just talking” to all of these internet girls then he doesn’t respect me. He says im jealous of him talking to girls…I try to explain that im terrified that it will happen again and I love him so much I don’t want that to happen…. How can I learn to stop fearing what he’s doing when I’m not home… how can I learn to trust… is it lost or can we rebuild this….
(On March 2nd, 2008 at 7:06 pm)
Here's the deal with my boyfriend Billy. We're now seventeen, and live in Pennsylvania. I know it might seem silly that I'm talking about this at such a young age, but with me, it's different. I'm not silly and immature, I know that what my boyfriend and Ihave is real.
We became best friends at the age of 12. (7th grade) We would talk on the phone, on the school bus rides to and from school (we live close) and after school for the musical. We were best friends before he even met his ex, Madison.She was also my best (girl) friend. He went out with my then-best-friend in 10th grade, for a total of 10 months. I had my own boyfriend for about 5. During the summer before junior year, me and my boyfriend broke up. Since Billy was my best friend, I called him hysterically crying for 3 hours the night my boyfriend had cheated on me. The next day, Billy came over to make sure I was okay. There was no flirting, nothing. I never looked at him that way. He was my best friend and that was all.
Madison began to badmouth me, calling me vulnerable and thought I would hook up with Billy. This thought never crossed my mind! Billy told me everything that she said.
Madison and I got into a HUGE fight, ending our friendship. She said some horrible things about me, and, Billy, being my best friend (and her boyfriend), told me everything. A few months later, Billy and Madison broke up. Me and Billy hooked up after they broke up, but it was a secret. Madison then came crying to me, sayin she missed me. I couldn't forgive her ever, and didn't like her at all. But I was civil towards her. She then found out that Billy and I had hooked up, and our friendship was over forever. (I didn't care, after everything she did to me.)
Madison got herself a new boyfriend. Billy and I were "together", but it was secretly. Snooping through his Myspace messages (i know it was wrong, but I was curious!) I found out that, even tough Madison had a boyfriend, Billy was begging her to take him back and saying he was still in love with her, and that their ten months together was the the best ten months of his life.
Madison broke up with her boyfriend, and, 24 hrs later, had a new one. I knew Billy was upset. But we became closer, and then we offically started dating. Billy and Madison stopped talking. 2 months later, they began to talk again. We were all going to a party together, and I told him I didn't want him to dance with her. He got into a fight with me, and said he'd do whatever he wants. That night, he didnt dance with her, but he didn't dance with me either. We broke up, but were still "together."
They continued to talk. He found out that her and her boyfriend were having sex, and was teling her that his heart was broken and he couldn't talk to her anymore. (I snooped through his texts.) I asked, and he said it was just an excuse not to talk to her anymore.
The summer came and went, and things were fantastic. School started again. Billy and I offically got back together , althogh we were together snce we broke up, only "working things out" I know he loves me. He cries, telling me he's never been so happy. I can't go an hour without talking to him. I miss him every moment I don't see him, and I still get that great feeling in my stomach when we hold hands. We do have sex, and it's great. I know I'm only seventeen, but I know this is true love.
Madison and her boyfriend JUST broke up, after about 11 months. She's now trying to rekindle things with Billy. I told him I don;t want him talking to her, but he says he's not losing his friends again. I don't know what to think.
I know for a fact that he loves me, there's no doubt about it. I'm the one he talks to all day, every day. He hangs out with me every weekend, not her. Every once in a while, though, he is texting her and tlaking to her on the phone. He tells me what they talk about, but he wont let me see his texts. I sometimes see them walking together in school, but then he'll run over to me when he sees me.
I'm confused, and don't know what to think.
I know he loves me, but does he still have feelings for her? Should i get over what has happened in the past, and trust him now that we're offically back together?
(On March 3rd, 2008 at 2:24 pm)
Dear Jessica,
Can trust be built is a question that a lot of couples struggle with. When we’ve been hurt by someone we love and we say the words “forgive you,” it can still be a tug of war with our feelings.
Building trust takes daily work on both parts. It takes constant conversations with ourselves and even with the other party. One of the most important things that should help with forgiveness is that we see our partner at least trying to change their behavior. (You did state in your email that you have noticed a huge change.)
If you have chosen to forgive him and have told him this, then you owe both him and yourself to do this. I can not stress the importance of this. You have committed that you are going to give it a chance, now you must also live up to your agreement.
It takes time to change negative habits. When it comes to sexual habits some may even need counseling to stop. Chatting and other internet sexual behavior has become very popular and for some who contribute to this, they may not see it as a problem. Either way, it may take a lot of time to change this behavior so you have to be willing to give it time.
If you feel that this relationship is worth it, you have to learn to release your anger and move on to forgiveness. There are many books out there on forgiveness that can help you. What we would be surprised to find out is that often before we can forgive someone, we must first forgive ourselves.
But keep in mind that you have been down this road of forgiveness with him before. Habits can not be broken if we are being a crutch. What I mean is, if someone keeps hurting us over and over again and we keep forgiving or ignoring the hurt, how can they move on (make a change) and what will motivate them to change if you keep dealing with his patterns with your own patterns… ignoring the problem?
I hope this helps and I wish you much luck.
(On March 12th, 2008 at 12:49 pm)
Hi, I recently had a real problem with my girlfriend. She has been talking to an old friend of hers who she had feelings for a while back before we started going out. And now she's talking to him again. I found out through e-mails, text, and online conversations. She found out that I was going through her e-mails and she was infuriated with me and I understand why and I felt so bad because I kept doing it after she told me to stop, and even after I told her I trust her. I don't know how to ever get the trust back when she won't let me. She eventually came up with the solution to just break it off with me because of this incident I really don't know why because everything seemed alright for the past few months but because of this small situation it escalated to a break up and I'm trying to get her back it's just she won't give me a chance to explain myself and why I was doing what I did. I mean I didn't even know what I was looking for in the texts and e-mails I just wanted to know why she was doing all of this… I really love her and I keep telling her but she keeps telling me to move and she makes like we never had anything together… When in actuality we had just about everything together it's just in this span of 2-3 weeks it faded instantaneously to the point where she's angered at me when I even try to contact her in anyway. I don't know what to do is there any way I can earn her trust back even with her still talking to this guy?
(On March 15th, 2008 at 2:58 pm)
I have been having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I have been married for 4 years. I knew he had a friend from the past. She called continuously always asking if he were alone. I begged him to stop the relationship because he would not include me into it. I invited her to dinner but he insisted he didn't want her here. I insisted if I wasn't a part of this friendship then there should be no friendship. He agreed to quit talking to her. Each year it would happen again tho. Hours and hours of phone conversations and what ever. Each year he insisted he had stopped. I blamed myself. I don't know why. I finally had had enough and asked him to leave, or come clean. He came clean. He told me he had been having an affair with this woman for 20 years. I have only known him 8 years, four of them we have been married. He tells me that it was something that didn't involve me. He told me that he never even thought of me when they talked or he saw her. That was even more painful and has to be a lie. He just continued it because it was something he had been doing for years and years no matter what had been going on in their lives. Needless to say he says the same thing. He is sorry, he was stupid, and it will never happen again. He promises. Something he has said every year. He says he will do anything I want to help get this marriage on track. He doesn't want to see a marriage counselor but will if I insist. I'm not sure it will help if he doesn't really want to go. I always doubt him. He always proves to me where he is and what he is doing. But I don't know how to get past all this. I am always wondering each time I leave him alone. I am deeply in love with this man but SAD all the time.
(On March 24th, 2008 at 7:57 pm)
Hi, I have been dating a married guy for the past year, I did not know he was married until five or six months into the relationship by then it was too late I had way to many feelings and I could not let go. And this is what made me loose trust in him. He has to boys which he loves dearly. He states sleeping in different rooms and not having contact with his wife other than for the kids sake. We have broken up several times, it just seems that everytime he has problems at home he takes it out on me, turning the situation around and making me feel guilty for whatever! One of the times he broke up with me, I actually went on a date that turned into a one night stand! I confessed everything to him and that is when he lost trust in me! He will constantly accuse me of talking to other men, stating I am way younger than him and not being done with my "wondering around" as he calls it, for he is 40yrs old and I am 26. I don't doubt he loves me I just don't know what to expect or how to deal with the situation. He says our trust is gone and we have poor communication. I really want to work things out but can not seem to convence him that I am telling the truth. Please help me!
(On March 26th, 2008 at 5:33 pm)
Dear Vane,
Please believe me when I tell you that I know a lot about this experience. Just like you I was way to deep in to pull myself out right away.
But what finally did it was a few things and I want to share them with you. For one, I started really thinking how this relationship was making me feel. I would stay at home waiting for his call. I would miss out on doing things with my friends. Two, I started thinking about the trust factor. And three, how can I trust someone who is cheating on someone else and is there a future in dating someone elses husband.
Then finally I thought about the wife. How would I feel if I were in her shoes and can I believe that what he is saying that's going inside his home is really true. After all it's his side of the story.
Lastly, in the end I had to ask myself is that what I really want for myself. I realized I deserved a lot more and I needed to respect myself more and that's what did it for me.
I understand that there can be problems within a marriage but to get involve with someone who is obviously still very involved in this relationship, still living in that relationship, and was not open to telling you about the marriage may not be the right person for you at this time.
If he is playing the mistrust card, the making you feel guilty card, then it sounds like he is maybe not out for your best interest and as you said putting the guilt all on you which of course makes him guilty free from cheating on his wife and basically cheating on you.
It sounds like you know what to do, you just need the strenght to do it. Anytime you need to talk about it, send me an email.
Believe me, I know it's hard but in the end you'll feel much better about yourself.
(On March 26th, 2008 at 5:52 pm)
Dear Jen,
I'm sorry you are going through such a challenging time in your marriage. It takes a lot of time and patience to forgive and forget someone who has hurt you and often we can't do it on our own.
I know that you say you don't want to go to counseling because you don't think your husband wants to really go, but right now this is more about what you need.
It might help you to go by yourself for now and include your husband when the counselor thinks it is the right time.
You can not do this on your own. Talking it out with a professional may be the thing you need to start healing yourself and your marriage.
I hope this helps!
(On March 26th, 2008 at 6:08 pm)
Dear Nate:
You definitely made a mistake by reading her personal mail, but you have apologized.
You don't really say anything about her emails. Are they friends or is it something more?
It would be great if you two could at least talk it out, however, you can not force someone to speak to you or take you back. Sometimes the best thing to do is to give them space and bide by their wishes to be left alone. By doing so does not necessary mean that you are giving up, but it's giving her space to think and you time to think about your reason for mistrusting her in the first place and evading her privacy.
Trust is very important in any relationship and w/o it what do you have? If this is a pattern for you or if there was something about her that made you mistrust, then you need to really think about it. Either way if she decides to give you a second chance, you would have worked on your trust issues or the next relationship you will be better equipped at understanding your motivations and what you really want in a relationship.
Either way, you have to let her go.
(On April 3rd, 2008 at 7:22 am)
Hi! Before I start, I would like to say thank you so much for having such a website/blog. I have read everyone's stories, and I am so glad that I can share mine with people who understand.
Here I go… My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now. But, let me start at the very beginning. We met only a few weeks before his first deployment to Iraq. Everything was so perfect. Honestly, he was my dream come true. Well, when he deployed he said he couldn't ask me to wait for him, considering we knew eachother for only 4 or 5 weeks prior. In my heart I wanted, more than anything, to wait for him, so that's what I told him. He deployed, and we kept in contact. We would write letters to eachother at least twice a month, and he would call once or twice a week, if time allowed. It was about 5 months into his deployment, and all of a sudden the letters and phone calls stopped. I knew he was ok, because his buddy was dating my roommate and he kept me posted. We had planned for him to spend 2 or 3 days with me on his R & R. He has a son in a different state, so he had to spend most of it with him, which is great and very respectable. Ok, so I got a phone call, after 3 months of nothing when he returned to Iraq from his R & R. During those three months, I started a fling. I constantly thought of him, my soldier, and wrote him letters. I never got a response, so I figured that he didn't want this anymore. When he started calling again I cut all ties with my fling. A month later, I'm pregnant. I told my soldier, and he was supportive and nothing but sweet to me. He returned home from Iraq in March (I was still pregnant), and we started seeing eachother. He definately was distant for a long while. We finally made it official in August, and that's where the hurt started. I found out that he cheated on me, shortly after we made it official. We decided to work it out, and 2 weeks later… it happened again. For a while I blamed myself, because I thought that if I wouldn't have gotten pregnant while he was deployed, everything would be peachy. We moved in together in September, of the same year. In December, he went to visit his mom, and he cheated on me once again. This time his excuse was, I wanted to make sure that our relationship is what I wanted. Yeah, nice excuse. My son and I moved out for a while. We ended up getting back together, and everything was great. He deployed again at the end of 2006 for 15 months. While he was gone, all I could think about was him cheating on me. I came a very long way, so I thought, with trusting him, and taking everything he said for what it was, the truth. He just returned in January, and since he's been home we have done nothing but fight. We went to see his son, and all I could think about is how pretty his ex-wife is, and how he wants her back. That's one of our major issues. He says he doesn't want her back… but, when he calls to talk to his little boy, she will occasionally get on the phone and talks to him about her life. Stuff that doesn't have anything to do with their son. He listens, and when I tell him that they should talk only about things that concern their son, he says… I can't be rude and tell her I don't want to hear about it. The biggest issue we have right now is trust, obviously. I just want to know how to build it back into our relationship. Right now, I feel like I'm going crazy. I constantly am going through his phone, his e-mails, asking a million questions when he gets home from work. Seriously, it's so bad that I ask him what he's been doing for each hour he has been at work. It's pathetic, and it's taking over me. I cry so much and it's stressing me out. He hasn't cheated in over 2 years, and I know that he loves me, and I know he knows how bad he screwed up, but I am so scared of getting hurt again. My daily rituals of checking his phone and e-mails, and asking a million questions are tearing us apart. It's like there is a huge wall between us right now. Please tell me that it's possible to get us back on the right track. I want to trust him, I just need to know how. Everyday I want to stop doing what I do, but I'm afraid that that one day is when I'll find something. What is wrong with me? Please, please, please give me your advice and tell me how to rebuild this broken trust.
(On April 6th, 2008 at 8:15 pm)
I have a question, me and my boyfriend have been going out for almost 3yrs.He moved away about 2yrs ago to another state, although we see each other every other month or so, its been so stressful because its not the same as before when he was here and thas fine with me because i love him alot but we consistently fight..mostly the topics are if im cheating,or im lying to him. i never cheated on him, but i did lie before and he caught me. it was that i told him that im going somewhere esle but then my friends and i happened to go somewhere esle and i never told him and he saw pictures of me and her later on. also i used my old cell fone and made some calls to my friends and didnt tell him that i was using the fone. but he somehow found out and i felt so bad that time because i was going to tell him but he just beat me to it. these scenerios might be small but we live far away from each other, we dnt see each other alot, and if someone is lyin ona small note, then they can lie on a big one also, i never have but alot of people do..and my boyfriend doesnt want to get hurt and i understand that, i wudnt either but he loves me alot and he did forgive me, however everytime i go somewhere either with friends or family he just doesnt trust me anymore… and i made efforts for him to trust me like i wud call him every hr or so and make him hear my friends or family talking behind me on the cell..so he feels secure with me cuz hes so far away..i understand that.. buh now he doesnt like me going out at all…cuz there will be guys or i might cheat on him cuz he wud never find that out..he thinks im lying to him all the time and it hurts me alot cuz i never meant to hurt him…and also he suspects that im with someone esle cuz i can easily do that…and we had fights about that cuz he can easily do that to me also. im just so stressd out cuz i wana be able to go out and for him to trust me and not question me like a fbi agent…it gets really annoying at times…and i just snapp..my attitude towards him has gotten worse everytime he asks me a question…or if im home and everyone at home is out…i juss get so frustrated…its not that im home that bothers me..i dont mind staying at home..im a pre-med student and i study most of the time..and i also work… its just i want him to notice that when im out im not lying to him…i seriously love him alot and we both discussed marriage in the future..i feel very lucky to have him because he forgave me plenty of times…i juss dont like that he feels unsecure when im out..sometimes because of that i feel stressed..and i hate feeling that and i take it out all on him…and he hates when i get so moody and we say horrible things…i know theres always lil fights in a relationship, but this is tearing us apart..plus we;re so distant from each other… i just dont want stress in our relationship… and i want to marry him without have to go thru having these trust issues with him to deal with me… i promised him not to ever lie or hide something from him… and he says that he juss wants to see and supposedly "test me" to see if i wont do these things again….i guess thats fine with me… i need to know how i can make him trust me like he use to…whenever he called i wud tell him where i am and he wud say okay…now its totally different…so sometimes i just avoid going to places cuz i dont want to fight with him anymore..i want him to see that he can trust me now and forever..whenever we see each other, we forget everything and we're so happy,i know most of it has to do with the distance,cuz if he was here, he wud be with me.. i need advice urgent on how to make him trust me again…
thanks
(On April 10th, 2008 at 6:16 pm)
Dear Ron,
I would like some tips regarding on how to re-establish truth in a relationship.
I have broken up with my gf since last Christmas. She read some old emails ( first couple of month we were dating)that I interchanged with a friend that I briefly( that lives on the other side of the globe) that contained some sexual nasty content. I gave her my email password a while ago, and read those old emails when i was still dating her. After the break up with my gf i lost all kind of contact with the girl i was exchaging emails.
I have tried my best to earn a second chance, but she simply wouldnt. I have been patient, understanding…. done some nice romantic things for her. However she says that she cant ever trust me. The reason I wanna fight with her is cause I do love her genuinely. There was a contrite heart and a sincere change in my behavior. I'm ready to do anything to get her back. We've had a lot of special moments together…. Our story simply can't end like that. I beliebe that she has issues with pride.
How can re-establish this trust?
I need advice urgent.
Thank you a lot
(On April 14th, 2008 at 5:44 pm)
Hey Ali,
It sounds like you are already working on establising trust. But the most important thing is the patience. You can not force someone to forgive you. It takes time.
When we are hurt by the people we care about the most, we need time to heal. For some it could bring up past wounds and for others it could be that they've been hurt too many times and it's harder for them to forgive and forget.
Being patient and understanding is the only thing you can do right now if you truly care about that person. Even to the point that you just might have to let them go and move on for awhile then come back and see where they are. Who knows? You might not even be in the same place mentally.
Let it go for awhile. It's challenging, but you have got to give them some peace and also give yourself some.
(On April 15th, 2008 at 3:44 pm)
Dear Amber D,
Relationships that start out as quickly as yours did, is bound to have some challenges. At the beginning even though it was romantic and he seemed ideal, it’s hard to base a relationship on only a few weeks especially when that person is about to leave for awhile and especially when it means that they are going to be deployed. We build up romantic ideas in our mind.
The few years that you two have been together, I wonder if you really have gotten to know each other. You both entered a relationship with some baggage; him having a child with an ex and you having a child at the time that he was deployed. You are talking about a relationship that is already starting off with a few challenges and I’m sure real life often gets in the way where you feel that you haven’t spent any quality time together.
But now it’s time to deal with the immediate. It seems that even through all these obstacles, for some reason you two have managed to stay together. It is time to let go of the past and move onto the present and even the future if you truly want to stay in this relationship.
You say that he hasn’t cheated on you in 2 years and he loves you. If that is true, then where is all this fear and mistrust coming from?
If it is coming from things that happen a million years ago, then it is time to let go and move on. It is possible to get on the right track but it will take a lot of hard work. You not only have to work on trusting him, but you have to learn to trust yourself and forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself for the pregnancy. I’m sure your child is a joy and that is what came out of that other relationship. Give yourself one-day at a time. It takes a lot of work, it takes a lot of talking, and it takes a lot of mending. Not a quick feat, but it can be done one step at a time, one day at a time.
I always recommend speaking to a counselor, church member or if that is not something you want to do, there are always books that can help.
(On April 18th, 2008 at 9:56 am)
Hi there. Ok so let me explain the situation. I have been friends with this girl for a little bit. We hooked up a few weekends ago. After that things got kind of confusing. She was sending very mixed signals so I explained the situation to a friend to give me some advice. This girl is very private and has had her trust broken numerous times. I knew I shouldnt have said anything to my friend, but I did. So the mixed signals turned into us deciding we were going to see what happens go with the flow. I (the idiot) wanted to get everything in the open because I really do care about her. I told her I told my friend and now she is mad. We have talked it out and she knows I am a good guy, but doesnt think she can trust me and doesnt think i am mature enough anymore and is looking like she may just want us to turn into an ok friends. She keeps saying that its her and that what i did is small, but she cant deal with it right now. This whole conversation happened last night by the way. She said she needs time, but then said she still wanted me to come to a gathering at a bar…maybe because she doesnt want me to feel bad..I dont know. Should i send flowers soon? I want to go for her….I know she has feelings for me, just dont know how strong anymore.
(On April 24th, 2008 at 6:40 pm)
I have a situation which is somewhat similar to the other writers. In my case i am the offender. I cheated on my husband with my daughter's father while he was gone for a 16months through no choice of his own. We have been married for three years and i am willing to do anything to make it work. we have talked about it and how know that the trust is broken. where do we go from here? We know that we love each other but he has said that he does not know if he can get pass it or how to get pass it… Your input would mean a great deal to me and would help in a many ways…. I live for my family and i don't want to loss them…
thank you very much
sha
(On April 28th, 2008 at 6:16 pm)
Dear Sha,
None of us man or woman is perfect and sometimes we fall short because of our loneliness, weaknesses or just a simple need for companionship. Mistakes happen and forgiveness is the key. But we can’t just wish that everyone can move on when we apologize or even when we discuss it with the person we’ve hurt.
Depending on the couple, it can take months or even a few years for the healing to even begin. In most cases speaking to a professional is the wisest thing to do. Often couples feel that they can work it out without any assistance or with time, but that can sometimes lead to buried feelings which can lead to anger, lack of trust and resentment from the injured party or even overwhelming feelings of guilt from the person who did the cheating.
If at all possible seek guidance either from your local church or even a family physician may be able to suggest someone.
Whatever you do, give your husband and yourself time and be patient. It takes time to build trust again, but believe me it can be done.
(On May 14th, 2008 at 10:42 am)
i have a problem, i used to date a guy from 3 months ago..but i lost his trust..it all came from my ex who actully came between us and started to ruin the relation!i did everything so i can make him come back..i have changed my attidude with boys, friends and became a responsible girl , quit smoking and all the things that used to bother him. he says that he still loves me but cannot trust me…he is scared as if..am going to betry him again and put him him dow.
i love him..i see him everytday..help!!
(On May 16th, 2008 at 4:31 pm)
Dear Sally,
Losing someone’s trust is a major issue in a relationship and it’s hard for the person who has been hurt to bounce back. But it’s not about him forgiving you, which is what most people who have caused the mistrust focus on. It’s about really understanding you.
What was lacking in yourself or in the relationship that might have led you to allow your ex to come between you and your boyfriend? You say that you have changed, but is it only to try to win this guy back or have you really worked on yourself (which means not concentrating on getting into a new or old relationship) but discovering who you really are, and deciding to make smart lifestyle changes and choices to better yourself not anyone else.
These are the things that are most important. When you’ve truly done that, then the change will be noticeable and you won’t have to sell yourself to him or to yourself. Plus you might realize that something new might come out of this experience. Often moving forward and not looking back is what might be needed for both parties.
Evaluate…is it love that you feel, or is it the strong need to be forgiven, or is it something else? Stop, take a deep breath and look at the whole picture. You’d be surprise on how you really feel.
If you do love this guy, then give him time. If he comes back great If not, let him go and move on…
(On May 20th, 2008 at 8:36 am)
Hi Ron, I have been with my girlfriend for 9 years and have two children together. 10 months ago I had an internet affair with an ex. Some bad things were said. Although this affair really meant nothing to me and did not feel anything I typed to her my girlfriend cant seem to get over it. We have recently broke up but still live together but I stay on the couch. I have no excuses for what I did. To make matters worse a couple days before my girlfriends father died from a long bout with lymphoma. I dont want to loose her as I do really love her. Things are so bad and there is a huge wall put up arround her that I just cant seem to get through. I need advice on what to do. Please help!!!
(On May 28th, 2008 at 1:15 pm)
I have a big issue…
I have been with my soon to be hubbie since 05 and everything was going great we moved in together and then I lost my job and got knocked up. After I had my precious angel he started texting, talking and typing to all these females telling them that he wants to have sex with them. He has had a girl in my house with my daughter home when I was not home, and tried hiding it from me.
Then about 1 week ago I caught him on the internet jerking off talking to his ex girlfriend Marissa……
I was so broken hearted and to hurt physically and emotionally.
I want to try to resolve this problem but I can't cause he does not wish to talk about anything serious anymore. Our sex life is nothing to me. It's all about pleasing him…..never me.
There is no romance and I am starting to feel that I don't want to be with him anymore cause of my trusting issue with him. He tells me he can talk to all the girls that he wants but I can't talk to any guy friends (which are just friends from HS) I just don't know what to do anymore……I need some advice….PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
(On May 30th, 2008 at 3:08 am)
My problem is pretty big, not because there's only one, but rather I feel small problems have snowballed into something totally out of control.
My boyfriend isn't the best at articulating his words, and I've always known this. He has always been very frank with me since the start of our relationship. However, we went through a honeymoon period whereby we were so consumed with sweet nothings and phsyical company that when reality set in, a lot of problems started.
I always thought pin pointing the problem at the root was always the wisest thing to do. So whenever he did anything i disagreed with, I would slowly and calmy try to explain why. The problem was, as time went on, the problems seemed to be repeating instead of going away. And from feeling most comfortable with me, my boyfriend became scared to talk to me in case I would get hurt or easily disagree with what he says. From this, a lot of arguments started to take place and yesterday seemed to be the last straw.
I felt that my boyfriend was slowly losing feelings for me after the "honeymoon period" ended and that made me get angry with him often. There were less "I miss you"s and other things that made me feel less important in his life. That was actually a small contributor to why I was feeling so awful, and easily angered.
My boyfriend tells me he is not good at expressing himself, but I don't understand why he used to be so sweet and now it's turned out to be quite a chore.
I offered to fix this relationship, and it's been a little difficult mainly because I'm not very sure what I CAN do to solve this.
We were always very happy and very easy going, so something like this, though minor, has left scars on my boyfriend. What can I do to reassure him, and to win his love back, at the same time fixing this relationship?
Please help me.
(On June 3rd, 2008 at 10:33 am)
Dear Pam,
It seems that your relationship sounds like a lot of relationships that start off with “romance” and a lot of “physical intimacy” which can be all-consuming. However because some relationships start off like that instead of taking it steady and building a foundation, a lot of the “real person” is hidden and when the fog clears, reality hits.
But this is fine and it doesn’t have to mean the honeymoon is over. Without really knowing the full extent of what is happening in your relationship, one of the problems may be your trying to control how the relationship runs instead of enjoying the ride. And your boyfriend might feel that you are trying to control the relationship by telling him how he feels or how he should act. When some men are told how they should react to a certain situation, they start to turn the other way…they feel manipulated and controlled and from a woman it can be a little daunting.
Unfortunately, honeymoons do not last forever and I guess that’s why they are called honeymoons. After it’s over, real life takes over.
Not hearing I miss you and I love you as much as you used to, does not mean that he doesn’t feel those things. If you truly believe he cares, then he should not have to keep repeating it. Sometimes words can become habits and end up not having any meaning at all. Could that be why he is not saying it as much? Not every relationship is filled with daily “sentimental words” like we see in the movies or on television although that would be nice. You want his sincerity, not just stilted words.
Instead of trying to go back to the way it was, why not move forward. Don’t think of it as the honeymoon is over, but that your relationship is starting a new phrase. What are your hobbies and passions? What are his? Think of some things to do that are not the norm. There are so many things you can do to keep your relationship exciting and fresh. Some men and women get tired and bored of the same routine. I’m not saying jump through hoops, but don’t let the past keep you stagnated toward the present.
Basically, it sounds like you both have taken off your rose-colored glasses. What you are seeing now is what there is. Relations take a lot of work. Maybe you need to tell him your expectations and find out his. All this will be useless if you realize at the end you were not on the same page.
I hope this helps.
(On June 3rd, 2008 at 10:56 am)
Dear Stephanie,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I could presume that your boyfriend might be acting out from the stress of having a baby and you loosing your job (things that were not in the plan) which might have brought on extra pressure that he can’t or does not want to handle and his acting out is his way of dealing with the problem or not dealing with the problem at all.
If you are going to stay in this relationship, then I would like to suggest you get professional help. Even if he tells you that he doesn’t want to go, that does not mean you shouldn’t. When it becomes a problem for not just you but also when a child is involved, then you need to make decisions that are right for the both of you.
Living with someone who is causing you mental stress and mental abuse can wear you down, tear down your self-confidence and trust, and bring on depression.
Please make sure that you seek help. If you can, talk to a trusted friend or family member. There is help out there. Make sure you find it soon.
(On July 2nd, 2008 at 6:45 pm)
My girl and I were together for 2 years. Her mother moved in after the first of the year which after a couple of months led to problems between us. We had become engaged and with no departure date for mom in sight, it seemed to me that our life together was being put on the back burner. Her mother isn't in the best of health although it's nothing terminal and I want to be clear that I was in full agreement that she should help look after her. I just didn't see why it had to compromise our future together. We grew apart in March and she broke up with me in early April. She refused to talk to me or respond to text messages. I was crushed, feeling like my world had ended. I met a girl at my kid's Little League girl that I know only in passing as she is a co-worker of a buddy's wife. She knew my girl had broken our engagement and approached me. We talked and she gave me her number. I called her later and talked some more, mostly about my situation and hers, as she recently left her husband. having been through a divorce with kids involved, I could relate to what she was going through and I wanted a woman's perspective on what I could do to win my girl back. She suggested going to her workplace and talking to her since she would accept my calls. I did that and we re-established contact. We spent the next 3 weekends together although my girl was very distant towards me and wouldn't agree that we were and item again. I had continued talking to my new friend, although I told her that were my girl and I to reconcile, our conversing would end as my girl wasn't cool with me having friends who happened to be women. I also told her that I wasn't interested in dating anyone else until the matter was resolved so if she wanted more than my friendship then we should cut it short. After the third weekend, my girl asked was I talking to other women. I didn't think it relevant since we broken up but after she pursued the subject, I told her yes, that I had been talking to this girl. She went berserk, accusing me of screwing this girl. She finally called me a couple of weeks later and asked to see my phone bills. I copied them and to my shock, had talked to this girl almost 1700 minutes over the 3 weeks we had talked. I knew if my girl saw that, she would surely believe we were sleeping together. So, against my better judgment, I edited the bills. I didn't know my girl already had a copy of my new friends bill from her workplace. I was busted and now she wants nothing to do with me. I know lying to her was wrong even though I did it to preserve her feelings and hopefully salvage the relationship. I realize and understand it will take a long time to rebuild trust if I can even convince her to give me a chance. I have not screwed around on her the whole time we were together and didn't with my new friend, even though the chance was offered at one point. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get her back?
(On July 9th, 2008 at 7:12 pm)
Dear Samson,
I apologize for not responding sooner.
Two years is a long time for a relationship to end without understanding why. I’m not really clear about what happened between the time that her mother moved in and you guys started having problems. I know it can be very stressful on both parties and it takes serious commitment and a lot of discussing and understanding even before a parent or another party (healthy or unhealthy) moves in.
My suggestion is before you think about ways of getting her back, think about your relationship for the last two years; especially prior to her mother moving in. Were there trust issues or other problems within the relationship?
If what you are saying is true, then you should not feel guilty about having friendship with the opposite sex. I value my male friends and some I’ve had for years. I would have to reconsider some things if my boyfriend or even fiancé were to ask me to give them up. I’d have to wonder if there was something that I did for them not to trust me or is there some part of them that just has an issue with trust.
Talking to the opposite sex (a friend) just to get there opinion is sometimes helpful and it seems that you were very forth right with the girl about your feelings for your ex.
It would have helped if you were honest with your ex. But my question is… what type of relationship do you have where you had to show her your personal phone bill?
We are always quick to try to win a person back without really looking at what caused the problems in the first place.
If you are given the opportunity again and if it looks like she is open to try again, I would suggest speaking to a counselor. Moving in with someone, getting engaged and married is huge and often we take these steps without considering how much work it takes.
I hope this helps.
(On July 19th, 2008 at 3:01 am)
To Sheilah, Ron, and whomever else would be willing to offer advice:
I have a trust issue with my girlfriend. We have been in our relationship now for a little over 7 months. About a month ago, I checked her prior text messages and found that she had sent some sexually intended messages to a guy that is nearly 10 years older than her. This guy is not anyone she has known, but rather just a bartender at a bar she used to occassionally go to with friends before I found aout about the messages. Well when I brought up the messages to her, at first she seemed upset about me checking the messages, but eventually realized that she was in the wrong and apologized. I told her what bothered me the most was what was going on in her head when the messages were sent – blocking me out and flirting with this guy behind my back who she has said she has zero feeling about, just more a flirtacious thing – knowing full well that it would hurt me if I were to find out. She had even sent messages to this guy (who has a gf) after being told by her cousin that I would be told of this guy if she didn't stop it immediately.
The hardest thing for me is that this is a girl I can see myself with for the long haul. She has said the same about me and she does not seem like the type of girl that would actually go through with physically cheat on me. But at the same time, I did not expect her to do this to begin with.
She also had sent messages to her ex-boyfriend because more times than not, he had called or text her, and with the way she is, she felt like she should respond. She has also told me time and time again that she is in love with me, she will never do anything in the future to hurt me again, and that she had known for 2.5 years of the 3 years she dated her exboyfriend that she knew she did not want a future with him. She is not someone that voluntarily shares her feelings, but rather, I sometimes have to dig to find out how she is truly feeling.
So now I have trust issues and can't seem to get over the fact that she did these "minor" actions behind my back. It doesn't help that one of my best friends started dating my ex-girlfriend (w/out telling me for 2 months) while I still had feelings for her.
She really is a great girl, and although I don't THINK she would ever do anything like this again to me, I'm not completely certain. When I asked her what I did wrong, she said I had done absolutely nothing wrong and that she messed up. She often tells me I'm everything she has looked for in a guy (and I feel the same about her), but at the same time, I almost wish I was doing something she didn't like so I would be able to fix it. But it left me wondering if this sounds like something that was a one time thing, or if this is something that is bound to happen again?
With me not wanting to go to anyone close to me to talk about this with because of the fear that they will think less of her, I felt like this was my best option. So, I'll try and make this long message a bit easier to answer:
1. Does she sound like someone that I should be able to give my trust to again?
2. With being hurt before by someone ELSE, do you have any suggestions on how I can regain the trust?
3. Am I over-analyzing the whole situations considering I feel emotionally cheated on, but am almost positive that I wasn't physically cheated on?
4. Am I being reasonable to think that, although I realize that her ex-boyfriend is a part of her past, to have a future with me, she needs to let him (who is not over her) be, and not respond to his messages, especially when I find out that she had talked to him after I found out about the bartender?
5. And lastly, does it mean anything when I routinely get her voicemail when calling her, but get a call back right after, which she happens to do with many of her calls.
Thank you very much for your response.
(On July 24th, 2008 at 6:01 pm)
Dear Ted,
I’m sorry that you are going through this. You mention that one of your friends started dating your ex-girlfriend while you still had feelings for her. My question is; did your friend know that you still had feelings for her? If yes, I’m sorry that you had to go through that.
I also wonder if you gave yourself time to heal before you came involved with another person. Usually if we become involved with another person without solving those issues we had with our previous relationship, they can sometimes blend into the next relationship.
Not to say that your concerns are not valid. But my question is, because of your mistrust, you violated her trust by checking her text messages. Did she do something to make you feel that this was necessary?
Since you took the time to breakdown your questions, I will answer them for you the best I can based on what you have written.
1. Does she sound like someone that I should be able to give my trust to again?
Answer: That is hard to say. It sounds like you already had mistrust issues going in and often we seem to date certain patterns (what I mean by that is, were there problems with trust issues in your past relationships) You could be attracting woman who have a problem with honesty. Do you feel that you are not worthy of dating someone who will treat you with respect?
2. With being hurt before by someone ELSE, do you have any suggestions on how I can regain the trust?
Answer: It’s important that you work on these issues even before entering a new relationship. You can’t change the habits of others, but you can change your own. Evaluating your past relationships is one way. It’s hard to tell someone how to regain trust or how to even work on that issue. I’ve been hurt before. I look inside myself to see what would make me attract someone like that or what I might have done to contribute to them hurting me. Sometimes it has nothing to do with what I’ve done; it could be as simple as me not paying attention to the signs at the beginning of the relationship. Usually when I think about it, that person was just not for me. But I never think it’s a waste of time. It always teaches me a lesson in the end. My question is; what lessons did you learn?
3. Am I over-analyzing the whole situations considering I feel emotionally cheated on, but am almost positive that I wasn't physically cheated on?
Answer: I think it’s important to analyze situations. But you have to make sure that you are not putting your past relationships on your future ones. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t pay attention to the warning signs either.
4. Am I being reasonable to think that, although I realize that her ex-boyfriend is a part of her past, to have a future with me, she needs to let him (who is not over her) be, and not respond to his messages, especially when I find out that she had talked to him after I found out about the bartender?
Answer: It depends on your relationship. Some relationships have an agreement to where exes are off limit. But sometimes if a relationship was a friendship at the beginning and then turned romantically but in the end did not work, there is no reason that the friendship should not remain.
She might just want to continue the friendship, even though there are no romantic feelings.
Also, and I am not saying this is the reason, but females sometimes flirt to just get validation that they are attractive or can attract. (meaning the bartender, etc.)
5. And lastly, does it mean anything when I routinely get her voicemail when calling her, but get a call back right after, which she happens to do with many of her calls.
Answer: It’s hard to say what that means. You say that she calls you right after, which is good. It could just be part of the way she is and you can accept it or… When you are dating someone, you like to feel that you are special and not treated like everyone else. Tell her how that it makes you feel when she doesn’t answer your calls.
I hope this helps in someway.
(On July 25th, 2008 at 10:36 am)
Dear Ron,
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and our relationship progressed into falling in love. We know everything in each other's lives and are very open about communicating and working on our relationship.
The other day he was going through files on my computer and came across a conversation I had saved with a best girl friend I was very intimate with longer than 2 years ago. I said things in this conversation such as "I love you" and "I want to be with you forever" even though it was purely an emotional relationship. The hard part is, I am still friends with her. Our relationship is purely platonic. This happened so long ago. Needless to say, he freaked out and said I broke his heart. He is living at my house and since he just moved across the country to be with me, he has no place to go. He is destroyed and heartbroken and says he can never trust me again.
I want to work on the problem and fix it. I recognize I should have never kept this secret from him, but I was ashamed and afraid to tell him.
Is there any hope? Is there any way to fix this and to still be together? We have built so much together and losing him would be losing a best friend and a partner. Please help.
sincerely,
Lili
(On August 7th, 2008 at 8:49 am)
Hi,
I am a 29 year old guy from India, of Hindu religion. I have just engaged with girl and was enjoying my dayes with my fiance.
I caught her talking to her old boy friend and when I asked her about the guy she was talking with, she break down and tell me everything. She told me that she had physical relationship with the guy but it was only foreplay… never had sex with that guy… I do not know what to do.. Now she is very close to my family and in our culture verginity is a priority before marriage. But what I am suffering from is lost trust. Please suggest… I do love her but do not know if I can trust her and get married… I am in so much mental pressure and heart-born…
Please help
(On August 8th, 2008 at 8:05 pm)
Dear Petroda,
I'm not sure if your fiancé is American. If so, it is not unheard of for someone to have had relations with an ex. However, being truthful and honest should be a priority in any culture especially if there is an expectancy of marriage.
Of course I don't know the history of your courtship with your fiancé, but I do hope while you were dating that there was some mention of your family's traditions. If she found out after you proposed, she could have been too afraid to bring up her past.
What is important now is that you not rush into any sudden decisions based on pressure from your family or even your fiancé. This may give you time to stop and really get to know the person you were considering marrying.
Often because of fear of hurting the people we love, fear of rejection or even judgment, we keep secrets about our past. This happens.
However, it is important for you to solve these issues with her before you decide what to do. By not doing so, (either deciding to get married or deciding to end it), you must work through it in order to regain that trust even for future relationships.
Marriage is a huge step. If you marry someone, but still have what they did in the back of your mind then there is still mistrust and it can cause problems down the road.
If this is not something that you are ready to confront your family with, may I suggest you find someone you can trust to whom you look up to and to give you advice.
There are also places where I'm sure you can get counseling. It could help the both of you.
Even as important as her virginity is the trust. If this was something in her past then hopefully you can get past it and learn to forgive. However, you mentioned you recently caught her talking to this ex-boyfriend. She needs to honest about this relationship.
I hope this helps.
(On August 13th, 2008 at 6:44 am)
Hi Ron,
My husband and I have been married for 12 years and I love him very much. I have felt that we have been through a lot together and that for many years he has treated me like I have no needs at all. Many times I have had to beg for sex and affection and find myself competing for whatever is going on in his life, or the computer or video games. At times he is affectionate which makes me happy but it lasts so little it's not enough. Though in the beginning it was something I would just brush off, I fear that by doing so he has just become complacent. I have talked to him many times about my feelings, about him not celebrating my birthday, or taking the time to establish the intimacy necessary for a healthy relationship, he feel that I expect too much from him and that I know that he loves me. I have written him letters and tried talking but things have not changed. He is wonderful and has all the that I want to be happy, but I fear that though he loves me much, I need more…
Recently I have had some things happen to me that I cannot explain, really good friends both men and women violating our trust to hit on me and trying to kiss me while I am drunk,and trying to take things to the next level. I have told him everything and now he is the angry one. Treating me like he is offended as if I ever asked for anything to happen. I feel that if I let someone kiss me is because I would like to know what it feels like to be wanted, and though I understand this has brought on a world of pain to him, I feel I can't punish myself for things that I have been trying to scream with tears and letters to change in our lives for so many years. I am tired of feeling like a piece of furniture in this house, and I want him to see me for who I am, someone that adores him but is tried of being unappreciated.
(On August 19th, 2008 at 1:39 pm)
my name is robert.i am having trouble in trusting my partner of one year.earlier in our realation ship ship had broken my trust with moltiple lies and had left me for another man.after realizing she was truley in love with me she came back to me and i took her back with a open heart and open mind.later though more lies seemed to unravel and more problems began to be dropped on my plate.now that we have worked past that i am faced with the problem of jealousy i am just so sick and tired of her "friends" that are constantly trying to get with her and putting road blocks in our realation ship.i am tired of her getting mad at me because it upsets me that after all she has put me threw i still have to deal with more all the time and its getting old but i love her with all my heart and i am not ready to throw in the towl this girl is my world and has been here for me through alot o very hard times and i just dont know what to do.its really hard to come out and ask for help but i am just to the point where i dont know what else to do.just today she had lunch with a male friend of hers and it made my stomach turn and i worry if he is a threat….how can i get over my fear even though she has shown me i can trus her again im not saying its her i am saying i am so stuck on being afraid of being hurt im scared my relation ship is gonna suffer.
thanks
Robert
(On August 21st, 2008 at 12:29 pm)
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. I was married for 10 years prior to this relationship and I have two daughters from my marriage. I have a son with my new boyfriend. About a year ago my boyfriend had a seizure (his first and only) and since then I catch him lying to me about everything. We broke up for a short time in December and then decided that we loved eachother to much to walk away, so we got back together. He was txtng on his phone one night after he came back home, and it was some girl that I had never heard of. He told me that he knew her before we met. He had been txtng her over christmas and told me that it was a guy friend of his. He has odd phone numbers on his phone, he hides his phone calls, he hides his txts, he lies constantly!! I put 250 minutes on his phone recently and they were gone in less than a week. I had been keeping track of how much time we used and it didn't even come close to 250 mins. He told me that he had just been talking to friends, but he won't talk or txt in front of me. He does it while he is at work. I made him cancel his phone and refused to buy him another. All trust has been broken, and I'm not even in love with him like I used to be. I just can't seem to walk away. Can anybody help me? I feel so lost!
(On August 22nd, 2008 at 6:14 pm)
Dear Catherine,
Although you say that you are not happy in this marriage, you go on to say that, “he is wonderful and has all I want to be happy.” But then you also say that the way that you feel has been going on for years. This makes me wonder if he has always been this way; he loves you, however he is not the type to say it or show it and by marrying him you were hoping that might change?
I am also wondering what else is going on in your life. Do you feel fulfilled in other parts of your life?
Often when we are not fulfilled in other areas, we look for more comfort from our spouse and both you and he may not see that the problem could be caused by other things within your marriage. That could also be why you are looking outside your marriage for other comforts.
Your husband needs to emphasize with what you are feeling, however, he is right to be concerned and hurt about you discussing problems within your marriage or receiving advances from others.
If you go outside your marriage for fulfillment, and I don’t mean hobbies because I feel that a husband and wife should also be individuals. What I mean is if you are going outside your marriage for intimacy, you will end up hurting yourself and most of all your marriage.
I recently went to an event where a young couple was introduced were about to get married in a few weeks. What I admired about this couple is that they took the time to receive counseling a year after they decided to get engaged.
We are often more committed to the passion, romance, etc. which is important in any relationship, but if you don’t have a relationship that is also built on a solid foundation, it can easily crumble after a few years.
I hope that you really sit down and decide what is making you so unhappy. I always recommend counseling. I hope that your husband will join you but if not, do it for yourself. When he sees that you are trying to do everything to save your marriage, then hopefully he will decide to do the same.
I hope this helps.
(On August 22nd, 2008 at 6:45 pm)
Dear Robert,
Please don’t put all the blame on yourself. It hurts when someone we love wounds us and it becomes even more hurtful when we forgive them and they again abuse that trust.
However if you are not ready to throw in the towel quite yet, and you have committed yourself to her once again, then you owe her and the relationship to try to build that trust especially if you feel she is honestly trying.
I want you to really think about why you took her back. Was it because you love her? If that is the only reason, then it just isn’t enough. I hope that you evaluated and thought about it before you decided to go back into this relationship. I also hope that you really stood back and looked at her and yourself. Is she worthy of your trust? Does she understand and value your decision to take her back and the love it took for you to do it? Does she respect your feelings when it comes to her friendships with others?
It’s a lot to consider. But either way if you have decided that you want to stay in this relationship, you are going to have to work on healing from the past and concentrate on the present. If someone truly feels they have been forgiven, then they will expect your trust. However, if they feel that you are saying you trust, but are showing that you do not, it can cause problems in the relationship.
Evidently there is still healing that is needed. However you can’t do it by yourself. If she loves you as much as you love her, then hopefully she will be willing to compromise on a few things until you are more comfortable. But being accusatory will not help her to open up to you and it will just make her have the attitude of ‘why bother?’
Work on your forgiveness. Whether you decide to hang in there with her or not, do it.
(On August 26th, 2008 at 7:24 pm)
Dear Leslie,
It sounds like you’ve mentally left the relationship, but are afraid to physically leave. The reason could be a fear and/or a realization that another relationship did not work out. Just the thought of it can make us mentally tired and drained and can also cause stagnation into wanting to make a move. We think, “Move on to what?”
Don’t. Relationships will keep failing until we first heal what is in us first and realize that we need to stop attracting and living in the same pattern of relationships (often attracting the same type of relationship) although it’s in a different package.
If you feel that you have given this relationship your best and have tried everything to save it, then it is time to make that move. Try not to concentrate on being alone and don’t think of it as another time wasted.
It’s never wasted time because it is always a lesson learned. Take time to be by yourself for awhile so when you are ready to date again, you’ll know what to watch out for and hopefully take it a little bit slower.
Also based on what you said, it sounds like you seem to be the more responsible one in the relationship. Maybe it’s time to find someone who can match what you have to offer. There are some men who can handle women who are more mature and successful, however there are some who can be intimidated by it and therefore they may try to use cheating as a way to have or keep the upper hand.
Being in a relationship where there is mistrust and lies can beat you down. No one is worth that! You know the saying…’Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.’
(On August 27th, 2008 at 8:48 pm)
Sorry that its going to end up so long. Just want to get the whole story out there to give people a better idea of what is happening.
In a nutshell, my gf of 6 yrs and I have just broken up (i broke up with her). It wasn't because I didn't love her, but the fact that she is confused about what she wants. I don't know if our r-ship is one of the issues, but (here comes the cliches), she said it wasn't me, its her and she just doesnt know what she wants. No matter how hard I try to talk to her, she just can't tell me what's wrong. There is the opportunity for her to see a counsellor, but she is hesitating to.
We have been living together before we even became a couple (just as friends at first), and I'm her first female partner and she doesn't identify herself as being lesbian/bi/straight, just that there's something about me that she loves and she can't see that in other women. However, before we got together she was predominantly straight and had many male sexual partners.
From the get go she said that we'll always be together, that she wants a commitment ceremony, and a baby. Although I was open to the idea, i gave the impression of being hesitant about it, as a part of me was afraid that what is happening now would happen…and can you imagine how hard it'd be if there was a child involved? I mentioned this to her (I like being honest), and she became angry at me for thinking such things.
But then again, my hesitation may have been a big factor in how she is feeling now.
I've always been a supportive, loving partner and she knows and acknowledges it, which gave her the confidence to raise her confusion with me. She questions "Is this the life I want?", "Is this what my life involves now?" etc. I know that our r-ship has hit a wall, and it does feel dull and so "married" like, but she never raised it as a concern, or the times she was unhappy, never let me know. She first raised the confusion thing 3 or so months ago, and we spoke about it and i understood because I'd felt the same at times and asked the same questions..so I could sympathise with her. But she also dropped the bombshell that she was starting to feel an "attraction" to a guy at work, and he is pretty keen on her and wants more from her. She has low self esteem, and I've tried continually to make her feel better about herself. But it seems that this guy is giving her the attention and confidence she needs. She admitted that it felt "exciting" and I know its because she is with me and compared to our "marriage" it would be attractive. I know she'd never cheat on me. I trust her. As I've found other people attractive as well, but not to the same level as her for him. We spoke it through and she agreed that it was because of her self esteem, and she wanted to be with me etc.
Now she is confused again and this time in a MAJOR WAY. So infar that she wants to move out to a place of her own and be by herself for 3 months. She wanted us to be still together and see each other on the w-ends etc. I was ok with it at first, but then alarm bells starting ringing and then my own insecurities etc started to develop, and I came to the conclusion that she wants her cake and eat it too – she wants the feeling of being 'pseudo single' and live the whole single thing, but at the same time have the security of us. That she only wanted me in her life because she is scared of losing me, and doesn't know how to cope with that. I try to be no fool, and so I broke up with her stating that she can't have both. That she should go out and find herself and to do that she has to be by herself. Previously, she had also wanted friends of her own, so I was supportive of her going out with work mates, some of the times they're been "all nighters". So any 'problems' that I knew she wanted solved, we solved them. It wsn't like she had no support of her individual needs. So I think a BIG factor has been her socialising and getting a taste of being out there socially without me. Couples would know that when you're out together, it's different to when you're by yourself.
But is it possible? I mean, we all need time to find ourselves, especially since you've been with the one person since you were 23? I understand totally and am trying to be supportive. I've moved out of our house and staying at my mum's vacant place, so I can give her the space she needs to sort stuff out…but she is still going ahead in moving out. I only see her when she wants to see me (which isnt alot), and I try to see it as giving her space, but at the same time she is the one needing space etc, so should she rely on me at times she's feeling low, especially when it will be if/when she moves out.
I know there is no such definite meaning to "normal", but is this a "normal" thing that happens, especially in full on committed r-ships?
And what should I do? Wait the 3 months? I love her so much and although I've been in other r-ships, she's the first that I feel totally whole with.
I'm in the process of starting to get out there and making friends of my own…in a way trying to establish my own identity..but what happens if she wants me back yet I've moved on? Then I end up regretting it? To make things even more complicated, we have committments which will become MY committments if we don't get back together. It's ok for her to walk out the door and start her own life anew, but I still have to pick up the pieces and start my own new life with our committments still attached (aka, house rennovations, numerous pets etc). I don't want to start being resentful.
(On August 29th, 2008 at 8:11 pm)
Dear Confused,
It sounds like you have already made some sound decisions and just need some validation in a few areas. I hope I can help.
First, if this is her first same-sex relationship, there could be some confusion. This could also be the reason that she is not ready to see a counselor because she may be afraid of what she might find out.
As for you being honest and hesitant when she mentioned the word commitment ceremony and a child, don’t feel that you did anything or said anything wrong. You were being mature and correct. Being committed to someone and then bringing a child into the equation is a huge step and should not be taken lightly although a lot of people unfortunately do. You did the right thing.
In regards to her having low self-esteem, you can’t help her with that. She needs to work on that herself. Counseling could definitely be the key in finding out the source. You basically can’t love someone else if you don’t love self. Can’t be done. People look for someone outside themselves to build them up, but all it does is cause strain on the other partner.
Trust your instincts. They sound dead-on. Your alarm went off when she suggested seeing you, but also others. Both have to feel comfortable in doing that. If it feels one-sided to you, then it is and there is no reason for you to agree to it.
I think it’s a good idea for her to get space so she can decide on what she wants, but I believe it could be good for you. Don’t fight her on this. If she wants to do this, then make sure it is a clean break. Staying in contact with someone you are still in love with will only cause hurt. Often the person who wants to stay in contact likes that fact because it gives them certain control and keeps the door open anytime they just want to walk in and out. It keeps the other person weak and vulnerable. That is not what you need.
There are many relationships that go through this. Sometimes it ends up working where the couple reunites and the relationship is better than ever. But in terms of your relationship, I hope that you keep meeting new friends and keeping yourself busy and finding out who you are and what you want. And if you decide that you don’t want that person back and that you moved on… then you WILL move on and there WILL be no regrets. Regrets mean holding on to the past, and who wants to do that?
(On September 12th, 2008 at 1:11 am)
Hi
By reading some of this messages, i found out alot of relationships are broken from trust issues. Mine is somewhat similar, After my husband deploy i started going out with a guy and had sex sevral times, kiss, hold hands we did everything a couple does, and i had current arguments with my husband everytime he call me from iraq, after i deploy i still keept seen this guy because he was in my unit, and when he move to another unit i started seen another guy and also had sex with him, to make the story short, i had cheated on my husband with 5 difrent guys, when we got back to the states from deployment i told him i had been unfaithful once because i missed him, and even though he said he forgive me, i still think he doesnt trust me, and i dont trust him so i went trough his phone to check for messages and found out that he is also been unfaithful texting other girl to send pictures to him or her naked, and messages like i miss you, so of course i confronted him and we argue and he says is just a friend from back home were he used to live before he join the army and that he did it because he was bore, i also recive an email from another girl i dont know, and dont know how she got my email from, but anyway she text me saying that she has been with my husband for 4 months all ready, and having sex and stuff. Well i text back saying i dont care because i had also been unfaithful. Now we are trying to work things out, he even got my name tattoo on him, but iam not sure if it would workout, please help i need your advice cuz iam going crazy, i dont know if i can be faithful to him iam trying but its hard and is even harder to trust him.
(On September 12th, 2008 at 8:00 am)
Hi Angela. I read your blog, and I do agree with you and your husband trying to work things out. Just a word of advice though if you don't mind…you have got to be completely honest to him about how many times you cheated. And he needs to do the same. You guys need to sit down and just come clean about everything. If you try to work it out and there are still secrets then it kinda defeats the purpose, don't you think? Just wanted to try and help.
(On September 20th, 2008 at 5:38 am)
hi,
My situation is very unique. My first love and I have been together for 3 years. We've had a long distance relationship but we managed to keep it together for so long cause we were really in love and we'd spend a resonable amount of time together. We had some rocky times and she broke up with me when she was confused but we got back together and were stronger than ever. We are both jealous for one another and both of us adjust to the other persons requests… i even stopped talking to any woman friends i had in the past for her.
Well, after almost three years, we became very very close like family. We talked about marriage and i knew i was her all. Long distance seems to inflate some problems and after a couple days of being stuck in an argument which led to her hanging up on me and not calling me for a couple days, i broke up with her cause i was confused and unhappy and needed some space. This really hurt her. She thought i would never do such a thing. She would call me and i would just tell her i needed more time and it was so painful for her. After about a month, we started talking consistantly again and i told her i loved her again and she was really sweet. I decided i would spend my summer with her and when i saw her, things seemed ok but as time went on, i could see she had a lot of stored up anger. A couple of huge fights later, we had a stupid breakup cause i snapped cause she kept hanging out with random guys and she knows that hurts me but she didnt care but told me i was annoying (she used to listen and do thethings to make me feel better). One day after the breakup she kissed a guy. The entire summer was a nightmare. Some time after sher kissed him, she hung out with me again and kissed me but things were obviously not normal. We would fight and then she'd go hang out with that guy and lie to me about where she was. She was like a totally different person and i dont know if that can happen to someone over night or if its part of her character that i never knew. I dont want to judge her character cause of 2 stupid months and forget about the 3 years of happiness together.
Now we're back in our element and she's sorry and wants me to come see her and work on the relationship but the pain i feel is so overwhelming but i know i still love her. I take blame for breaking up with her and hurting her in the first place. I shed tears and the thought of some of the things i went through and saw this summer. These things shattered my heart and I'm afraid. I am in love with her but i cant live with these thoughts in my mind. I never thought she was capable of conciously hurting me like she did in front of my face but she did…
I just want to know your opinion…should i give her another chance or is it done? She has a wall up and it seems as though i need to work extra hard to break down her wall when im the one in pain daily. I want to try but i also dont know if im setting myself up for a bigger let down than ever. She still has anger towards me. It's to much to deal with my pain and hers at the same time… please help
(On September 21st, 2008 at 10:49 pm)
I have never trusted my boyfriend and he told me if i didnt trust him its gonna drive him further and further away from me.He's been txting girls alot and he wont show me the txts. Me and him got into it a few weeks ago and he left and stayed at a girls house and never came home till the next day and he told me a few days ago their only friends and he promised me that he never cheated on me i need some advice on how to trust him cause i'm having a very very hard time trusting him and i dont want him to break up with him cause of me not trusting him.We have a 1yr old daughter and i want for her to see us together.Please help me I'm wanting to change. Mandy,
(On September 28th, 2008 at 4:57 pm)
Dear Mandy,
It's hard for me or for anyone to tell you how to work on your trust issues. All situations are different.
Your boyfriend is correct when he says that trust can push him further away, however I don't know if your mistrust issues come from your gut, what you have openly seen, or from past relationships.
If your feelings are coming from issues of past relationships or low self-esteem and not necessarily from anything he has done, then you need to work on forgiving and releasing the past and concentrate on the present. No one likes to be accused of doing something wrong if they are innocent.
However, if your feelings are either from what you see he is doing or done (based on fact not on what you think he might be doing), then you are valid and need to speak to him openly about what he is doing and how it is making you feel and how it (not just you) is jeopardizing the relationship.
Because there is a child involved your relationship is important whether you stay together or not.
I applaud you to want to change, but remember it takes two. I would suggest you both sit down and really talk about your issues and how it relates to your daughter. Yelling, fighting and getting angry are not going to help the relationship at all.
Learn to communicate without all the emotional crap. Either you're going to work on the relationship or not. Either you're going to do this right or not. Either you're going to work this out together or not. It's not about the other girls. Either you're going to have a healthy relationship or not. You can not force trust if there an underlining problem. Either work it out, or know the reason why.
(On October 1st, 2008 at 10:58 am)
Mike,
One sentence you wrote stuck out to me immediately.
You said that you "cannot live with those thoughts in your mind." That indicates to me that, even if you do continue to be in a relationship with this woman, you will never be able to move past what she did. I can tell that you are hurting and conflicted, which is completely normal given what you've been through. However, in order for a relationship to bounce back after something like this both partners need to be able to forgive AND forget. You cannot let memories of how she hurt you bring a dark cloud over your relationship if you intend to stay with her. The fact that she also continues to hold anger towards you doesn't bode well for a successful relationship either.
Ultimately, I believe the two of you need to sit down and have a conversation about where you stand. Can BOTH of you forgive one another and forget about past transgressions? If the answer is yes, then this relationship may be able to make it. If either one of you says no however, I don't see how the two of you can continue to stay together. You're in for a tough decision but if you are able to put behind the hurt she caused (and she can do the same) you will be on the right track to fixing this relationship.
(On October 12th, 2008 at 3:13 am)
Dear Ron,
I have an addiction. I am addicted to pain pills, have been clean and sober for six weeks, and continue to recieve treatment. What this has done to my family is my concern. I lied to my wife about it, and hid money out of my paychecks to support my habbit. We are currently living apart and with eachothers parents. I also have a three yearold daughter with her. She believes that I have nearly destroyed all trust she had in me and she doesnt know how to be able to trust me again. She tells me she loves me and does not deny me time with my child. Once the truth came out and I admitted I had a problem, I came clean. I told her everything. I also told her that I needed her help and support to make it through recovery. For about three weeks that happened. She supported me. She assured me that we were gonna make it through this together. But since then she has done a complete 180. Her anger has become so intense that we go days without speaking. She does not deny me access to my daughter but I dont know how to repair the broken trust. I realize and accept that the choices I made put our family in hte situation its in, financially and emotionally.
I dont even know where to start repairing this, or trying too. Or if it is evenn possible. Any advice on beginning to regain a loved ones trust would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Rob
(On November 6th, 2008 at 11:39 pm)
hi. my name is ricky. i dont know what to do or think. im in a one year relationship right now. i used to go out all the time with my friends almost every weekend. my girlfriend gos out with her friend usually to but not as much as me. we had problems with me going out too much so i said i would stop. so i did for a month then i stared going out every weekend again. recently about the end of september we had an arguement i got mad and told her to move out. she came back the next night then went back to her dads the next. she said we needed a break. the night after she said that i was with my friends and she was gonna come over and sleep over that night. she said she would call at 2am. i got up at 5 and she didnt i was worried because she always did. i drove to her friends her car wasnt there. then i saw her car in her ex boyfriends driveway. i was stunned. she didnt call me till later that night. and she hung out with him for the next week or 2. she said she didnt know what she wanted then she said she didnt want me. i stopped calling then she started calling. she said she wanted to work things out. then she didnt again. on night she called and wanted to go out . so we went to dinner. she cane over to my house after and was acting like nothing happened. so its like were back together again shes making plans about our future and tells me she loves me now. and she sleeps over and comes over again. im too scared to ask her anything because i dont wanna loose her again. do you think im what she really wants? what should i do?
(On November 14th, 2008 at 7:22 am)
hello,
well mine isn't anything really big. But my boyfriend cheated on me and it really hurt. obversely, and i did talk about it with him and i id break up with him, well not really break up but took a break. I told him that he should take this week and think about what he did and if he really wants to be with me. When the week was over we talked about it and i desiced to give him another chance. Now i do beleive him when he says that hes with me and only wants to be with me. But then when he drinks hes not the smartest guy. And thats where the cheating happened. I also told him that he HAD to not take so much when he went to bars. And he agreed becuase i told hi mthat if he could drink like that then i could drink like that, and well *who knows what i would do* kind of thing. But im still worried that he may well do it again. So this bring me to my point,. i was just wondering if you think that *once a cheat always a cheat* things is true, and if i should still be with him?
(On November 16th, 2008 at 5:14 pm)
hello,
my name is David ever since me ad my girlfriend have been going out everything has been great till a couple of days ago. i could honestly say that i screwed everything up,our sex life was great but i have a problem not knowing wen to stop.i would ever listen to her when she told me to stop i did something that she told me to do 3 times and i still did it.she broke with me as would have expected it. were taking a break right now we talked about working it out but she says that she doesn't think she can love me like she did before i love her ad i want to regain her love what can i do??
(On November 19th, 2008 at 5:07 pm)
Hello,
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and a half. We've broken up a few times over trust issues and parent issues. Over time my boyfriend has opened up to me less and less and we have talked about it, he says he tries to tell me things and I never listen but I do, and I try really hard because I love him a lot and really care. I keep making little mistakes and he has practically stopped all communication on a deeper level with me. I'm surprised he hasn't let go of me and moved on but I know he is in love with me too so he keeps giving me chances. I just don't know if I can stand the communication issues anymore and I don't know how to slowly get him to trust me more. I promise him that I will and then I make the same mistake which frustrates him. How should I go about coaxing him to open up and trust me more??
(On November 19th, 2008 at 11:14 pm)
Hi Ron,
I am now in a sutiation where i am really confused and puzzled.
To give you a background, i have a BF right now,we've been together for less then 3 years, he really loves me so much and could hardly felt it before when things happen before our 3rd years anniv.
One day 10 days before the anniversary, all of the sudden he just texted me that he's inlove with other lady that he just met 3 days ago, He said he loved me but he loves the girl also. Ofcourse i am shocked that he could do that to me as i know he loves me so much. We are in a long distance relationship but though i am far to him i am calling hima nf texted him everyday just to make him feel i am just at his side. So what happen is that i said many things to him, blame him that lead him to choose the girl over me who is near to him. After 2 weeks of beeging and trying hard to win him back, i finally give up and let him go. I changed my number and started to move on then after 1 month, he's coming back again asking for a chance and strart promising that he would change and make up to me. I accepted him although the trust is still not there. Now we have been together for 6 months again but it is difficult for me as till now i still cannot forgot what he did to me and still could not imaging why he cheated me.
Now, i dont have peace at all, seems like i a paranoid one that keeps on thnking that he would do it again once he met someone else. I know he;s trying to make things work and showing effort but still i can't trust him. Now everytime somethings remebered me of what he did, i felt angry and it changed my mood alot. I am always jumping to conclusion that he would leave me again and hurt me. I really love him so much but i love my self also. Having into our relationship for me is hard coz i dont trust him at all and theres no assurance that everything would be OK.
Now i ask for a space to really think if i can forgive hi,and if i can still withstand to our relationship. It really very hard to be in a relationship without trust especially we are not together.
Pls advise. Thanks
(On November 26th, 2008 at 6:06 pm)
Hey Ron,
I know you get this kind of stuff all the time, but I really need your help because I really want my relationship to work. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now, but in the beginning when we first started getting together I had just broken up with my ex and wasn't over him. I told my boyfriend this, and asked him to give me a couple of months, but when that couple of months was over I still wasn't over my ex but lied and said I was to my boyfriend. I continued emailing and texting my ex behind my boyfriends back and lied about it until I got caught a couple months later. This is something that I really regret and know was very selfish on my part. I so wish that I could turn back time because now, a year later we still get in fights about it, and he can't seem to get over what I did. The trust is broken, and I am afraid that I am going to lose him. Please tell me how I can save this relationship. I have changed and will never do anything like this again. I need him to know this.
(On November 30th, 2008 at 4:11 pm)
Hi Hellen,
It sounds like you are already working on saving your relationship. However, the thing you must understand is, you can not push or rush someone into forgiving you. It takes as long as it takes. You can say you've changed over and over, but until the person who was hurt sees that change and decides to forgive, it's basically a waiting game.
There could be other reasons why he has not forgiven you. He could be holding on to other hurts from past relationships, old insecurities, or it could be as simple as him feeling like he is not being heard.
If at all possible, try not making it into a fight every single time. Instead of trying to prove your point, listen to his. Basically be quiet and listen to what he has to say instead of trying to explain your side. I'm sure he already knows the reason why you did what you did.
I'm not saying this is happening, but often when we are trying to ask for forgiveness, we are so busy trying to explain our side that our empathy for the other party gets pushed aside. Right now it ain't about you, it's about him. Let him say what he needs to say and feel what he needs to feel.
Saying you have changed and arguing your point for why you did what you did, is not the key to fixing the relationship.
But I don't mean that you let him dump all over you. It takes two to hurt a relationship and hopefully he can recognize his part in it.
If it comes to the point where you feel that you've done all you can to try to make it work but he just is not coming around, you might just need to let it go and give him time.
It sounds like you went into this relationship w/o letting go of the last one. You also might need to get some distance and give yourself time.
(On November 30th, 2008 at 4:53 pm)
Dear Zena,
The only reason you should let someone back into your life after they’ve hurt you is because you have forgiven them and are ready to move on and build a relationship with them again. Unfortunately, we don’t do that. We bury the pain for a short while and when it returns (it always does, because we haven't really took the time to deal with it)it brings back memories of the hurt which causes mistrust.
This is not good for either party. It can keep you angry and it can also cause the other person to try to over compensate because of the guilt. This can lead to stress and eventually make them want to just give up on the relationship all together.
You say that he is trying to make things work and putting in the effort. The point is you took him back and so far in the last 6 months he has not given you any reason for doubt.
People make mistakes all the time out of loneliness, insecurities or even fear. When you decide to take someone back, for them you are saying “I’ve forgiven you.” You are right. There is no assurance that he will be faithful. But if you are going to stay in this relationship, then you owe it to the both of you to try. You say you love him. Love is not just saying the words, it comes with commitment, trust, forgiveness, understanding, faith and action from the both of you. Decide to trust or decide to move on…
(On November 30th, 2008 at 10:07 pm)
So- here's my problem. My husband had an affair with a woma who pretended to be my friend. I don't believe you can have sex with your friends husband and still be their friend.
Anyway- I always knew something was wrong, but could never prove it. We separated, then he told me it was an "emotional" affair, and that he promised to stay away from this person. A few months ago= i find her text messages- and then I made him leave. He finanlly came clean with the truth that he was having an affair- now what? He thinks he is a different person now that he admitted it– its like Im suppose to be thankful. He has made my life miserable for so long because he was living a lie. Now he wants to rebuild our marriage, how do you live with someone who does this?
They both just rlled over me like a mack truck– and he was so deceitful, as was she. How does someone do that, and think they love their wife? He says he loves me– but I don't think you can do that and love your wife. He protected her reputation, and destroyed me in the process, so where does that leave me? He says he wants his marriage back? Your advice?
(On December 2nd, 2008 at 10:32 pm)
Dear Alley,
I guess it comes down to what you want. Do you still want this marriage to work?
I’m sure he feels better that he came clean, but now that his conscience is clear has he considered what it has done to you?
I believe that when someone cheats, it has nothing to do with how they feel about the person they cheated on. They can still love their spouse, but low self-esteem, marriage issues, stress, or even just a physical attraction and nothing more can cause someone to cheat. However whatever the reason is or was has no consequence. Cheating is cheating.
It’s important that you work on forgiving your husband for what he did, however he still needs to be held accountable for his actions and can not expect for things to go back to the way they used to be.
I would suggest getting some professional help because you need to find out why this happened. Were there clues that you ignored? Were there warning signs in your marriage? (Unfortunately the problem can never be blamed on just one person). Most importantly, your husband can not expect to just say he ‘loves you’ and for you guys to just move on.
If he doesn’t want to go to counseling, then you go by yourself. Maybe then you can decide what you want to do either for the marriage or in the end just for your own peace of mind. I hope this helps.
(On December 5th, 2008 at 8:49 pm)
Ron,
I have read several of the post from people who you have shared advise with and I want to thank you for taking the time to help people through their relationship and marital issues.
I have been married for close to 14 years, my wife and I were married rather young, I was 23 and she was 21. Over the years I have done several things to challenge the relationship, infidelity, lying, distance. We waited 9 years to have children and during the last 5 years we have had 3. During the last two years we have had two children the youngest is a month old. A long story short, my marriage is a mess, getting messier. My job takes me away from home a great deal and over this past year I have spent appx 190 days away from home. I have not been the best husband and I love my wife with all my heart however, my wife feels as though I have distanced myself from her when i believe its quite the contrary. She says the love is gone and does not want to work towards mending the relationship. She doesn't believe in counseling as she feels as though it drums up the past and she says that it hurts. She wants both of us to be there for the children but says she views me as nothing more than a roommate. There is nothing that I can do about my job. I am in the military and I go when and where they tell me to go. I feel like it has a lot to do with it as she has indicated that the issues started about 2 years ago and thats about the time I took this new job. Granted a ton of crap has transpired prior. I love my wife and honestly, it has taken the age of maturity for me to realize her importance. I have not been a good husband, honesty has not been my strong suit. I admit to being distant these past two years as pregnancies are something that I feel actually indirectly place distance between people. The fact that I am gone a great deal of the time hasn't helped. I swear it seems as though each time I am away, when I return, I have been pushed that much further away. My God, can this relationship be placed back on track? Can I ever show her that I can be someone that can be trusted? Is it possible to make her love me the way that she has in the past? Sir, I will be frank, my family is my life, I absolutely cannot live without them. I am not healthy when I am not with them! They are my life as I know it, immensely and eternally. Not trying to sound crazy, I just literally feel ill without my family. I am away now and feel in a fog, I love my wife more than she could ever realize through my words. At the moment, she will not let me get close enough to show her otherwise. I am guilty, granted she has not been perfect, but I think by and large I am to blame. I need your help.
J
(On December 6th, 2008 at 4:40 pm)
Dear J,
It’s hard to convince someone that you’ve changed if there has been a lot of hurt and mistrust in the relationship, however it is not impossible. Fourteen years of marriage along with 3 children is a marriage worth saving.
I know it’s challenging to work on a relationship when your job takes you away most of the time, but it can be done. You say that you love your wife and that is the first start. The second is not giving up even when you are at your lowest. The third… stop playing the ‘blame’ game.
You both have made mistakes, and it’s great that you have taken ownership for most of them, but now it’s time to do the work.
Your wife is correct when she says counseling only brings up the past and yes it does hurt. But that’s only done because in order to heal from the hurt you have to talk about it, learn from it, and then eventually let it go. Your wife is basically doing exactly what she fears counseling will do. The only difference is that she’s holding on to it which is causing the anger. Therefore, she will never let go of the past whether she wants to believe it or not. We make the mistake of thinking if we bury it and don’t talk about it anymore, we can move on. But nothing can be further from the truth.
Just because one person doesn’t want to get counseling, does not mean that the other person should not. Evidently there were reasons that you cheated, lied and distanced yourself (both physically and emotionally) from your marriage and you need to find out why.
Your wife could be feeling a lot of things; hurt, mistrust, and confusion. By you saying you’ve changed are not necessarily going to help her heal from this. We are talking about years of wounds.
Also, when a husband and wife have a child, there should never be any kind of distance. This gift that you both participated in (conceiving a child) is a bond that should bring more closeness, not more distance. I’m also sure with the birth of the 3rd baby, which you say is only a month old, still leaves your wife somewhat emotional especially if she felt that you were distance during the pregnancy.
Please seek counseling. I’m sure the military can help you find some help, or if you don’t want to take that route, then maybe a church or even your medical doctor can suggest someone.
If your wife sees that you are going to counseling and working on yourself, it is possible that she might decide to seek professional help or even join you in your sessions or at the very least see that you are trying to work on yourself as well as save the marriage. Give her time and don’t push it her but also give yourself time. Missing your family is normal, however if you are feeling ill because you are afraid that you might loose your family, then you definitely need to address those fears with a professional.
I hope this helps.
(On December 10th, 2008 at 12:10 pm)
Ok here is my problem, it may be to late, but i love this girl. We had been going out for about a year, known eachother for about 2. I guess i wasnt showing her enough attention and she started talking to guys online. I found some emails of her saying how he was the most important thing in her life and i was devistated. I confronted her and we tried to work it out but it lead to her wanting to date other people. Eventually she started liking me again but i was afraid she would do it again so i kept it as a friend relationship. I started dating another girl for a month and she moved away, we tried a long distance relationship through texting all while my friend(the one i love) is hurting. Well i broke up with the long distance girl to get back together with my ex. I guess she has just started a new relationship with a guy over the internet that lives accross the world, well i apologised to her and confessed my love to her and how she is the one i want to marry. But she wants to stay with this guy because "he is now my BF". I dont know what to do. Please help. -Dakota
(On January 4th, 2009 at 3:36 pm)
I never really talk to anyone about my problems. I find it so hard to talk to people about the way I really feel inside, even my parents. So this is the first time I have done anything like this.
My Problem:
I was in a relationship of over 4 years with a girl I had been going out with since School. I had never had any 'real' girlfriends before that and the attention I had from the opposite sex was always 'minimal'. I was never that popular since being a kid.
Although we didnt argue, I am now seeing it was never a healthy relationship. We had good times together but at the same time we never talked about any problems at all. In fact most of the time I spent just taking the blame for anything that might have been wrong, saying sorry, and just generally keeping things bottled up and quiet.
[ Just so you understand a bit more about me - I have always found it easier to talk to girls than guys. I wouldnt think of myself as a 'man's man'. I am small, skinny and I wouldnt say I was that attractive. I just never really felt that I fitted in anywehere with guys so it seemed natural to be friends with girls. So because I was friends with manily girls, I kind of became like a girl (cuddley, flirty, etc).]
Well, Wwe both had friends of the opposite sex and we both flirted with other people and (I understand now) that we were way too close with those people.
Anyway, after I started my second year of college (the last year of the relationship), I became very close with a group of girls on my course. I was attracted to a couple of them, but the reason I became good friends and got close was because I felt comfortable around them all and accepted for who I was also and I hadnt really had that before.
Although it wasnt a great relationship looking back, at the time I was content. I didnt want anybody else. Then my girlfriend asked us to go on a break to see other people. I was a little upset but I just thought 'its only a break'. Then whilst on a break I kissed one of the girls on my course. I felt excited. It felt so good to be wanted that I got carried away with that feeling. So after the break was over my girlfriend told me that she wanted to see other people. I was upset when she told me but it soon passed. I do think its strange and I dont really understand why I wasnt that upset by it all but I wasnt.
After we broke up I got together with the girl I had kissed. It was exciting and new and once again it felt so good to be wanted that I didnt even think about her boyfriend and how it would affect him. All I could think about was myself and the attention. I was very selfish. Then that went a little sour when she became so clingy and constrictive and I broke it off.
Then one of my other 'girl' friends from college introduced me to another girl, Laura. She suggested we go out for a drink, which we did and we enjoyed it. After a bit we started going out and then I just went hot and cold with her all the time. One minute I wanted to be with her, next I didnt. I didnt really know what I wanted and this came to a head when my Ex decided to contact me and asked if I wanted to get back together. This messed around my mind. I ended things with Laura and I went away for a little while and then I decided that I didnt want to be with my Ex, it would be stupid to go back to that. Because I thought that, I assumed I was over her.
Me and Laura got back together and still after that I continued to blow hot and cold. I did really like Laura and I still dont understand what I was thinking to treat her that way. But once again I messed it up. One night at work (I worked in a nightclub), I met another girl, Amy. She had spoken to me a couple of times but I hadnt thought anything of it but then I started to see my Ex in her. Not in her looks but in the way she spoke and acted and so I just got sucked into her and then one night after work I offered her a lift home and then we kissed. I should have done the decent thing and told Laura but I didnt. Instead I stayed with Laura and continued to text and talk to Amy. I was blowing hot and cold with both of them. I couldnt decide what or who I wanted, I had never had so much attention and never been in that situation before so I didnt know how to handle it. I know now that I should have called it off with both and told them how I felt and then went from there…but I didnt.
I realised too late that Amy was just my Ex 'in disguise' and that I only wanted Laura. So then Laura dumped me after finding out what had happened.
But she gave me yet another chance and I messed it up again. I mentioned before about being too close and more comfortable being friends with girls – well, although I never found her attractive and I never had any sexual feelings towards her, I was too close to Rachel, the friend that had introduced me and Laura to each other. This came to a head on Laura's birthday when I stupidly took Rachels side in an argument they were having. (After speaking with a couple of people, I later realised how manipulative Rachel is and also the extent she uses people to get what she wants).
Again, I got given another chance. Since then, I have been focused on Laura and although I have lied to her and hurt her and told her 'I will change' so many times. It has been all to easy to slip back into the way that I was then.
I have made Laura so insecure that she questions everything I do and once she starts thinking about things it keeps going round in her head just building up speed that I am just with her because I enjoy hurting her. She loves me and has loved me since she met me. I really love her too and I dont understand why I keep hurting her. I am not trying to hurt her, I do not want to hurt her.
I have said sorry so much that it means nothing anymore. I have tried admitting my mistakes and saying I will change so many times that they also mean nothing.
I love her more than anything and I will try anything to change the way I have been acting, to show her that I love her and to regain the trust and to make her happy.
Laura has asked me to not speak to her unless I have something new to say, something that will make her want to give me another chance, something that will prove that I do love her and wont hurt her anymore. Like I said, I have said sorry and lied so much that she cant believe me when I say I love her and that I will change and she doesnt want to hear that anymore.
Now I fear that I will lose her forever. She said she had left other men for far less than I ever put her through. I know that I have certain problems and behavioral changes that I must make change. I am even willing to go to therapy or counselling to sort myself out. I love her deeply and believe in "us".
I dont know what to do. I'm afraid that calling her and going round in circles and saying the same things will hurt her even more and push her away, and I hate sending emails or letters because I have done that before and she doesnt want to hear the same things again.
Please Help.
(On January 6th, 2009 at 10:54 am)
I think I've always known but need confirmation. This relationship started from an affair that lasted years. He got divorced and now we've been back together for two years. I cannot be surprised that he accidentally forwarded emails to me that he wrote to another woman. This has happened off an on for the last year. He said it's over but I don't really believe that. If the relationship started out with a lie, why should I be surprised that I'm in the exact same position. Now, he's almost in tears that I've had enough. Is this man a narcissist or manipulator or just wants someone that will take care of him but still needs the buzz that the illicit stuff brings. By the way, he's not a young man………in his 60's.
(On January 8th, 2009 at 4:27 pm)
Hey Ron,
My name is Kevin, I've been dating my girlfriend for about six years now. From what I can tell everything was going great. Suddenly she started to drift away and became distant…We haven't made love in a couple weeks. I sensed this and confronted her on whats going on. She told me she was unsure about our relationship and did not know if she wanted to be with me.
I'm her first serious relationship (High School sweethearts) and she said there is so much out there in the world she wants to experience. I was shocked and very hurt to hear that. I gave her everything I was madly in love with her. We talked after the break up and a week later we sat down to talk. I tell found out the real reason for the break up.
She started to have feelings for one of her guy friends. They spend a good amount of time together ( I love her and trust her…so when she tells me she's with him. I have no problems what so ever.) So instead of telling me this she keeps me distant while getting closer and closer to him.
The problem is she is now back with me, she tells me she loves me and know that I'm the right guy for her. But she still continues to hang out with that guy, in fact they are out right now! Its not in me to make her choose between her friends, I respect her but deep down inside I feel so insecured and unsure if I trust her completely. The friend also knows that she has feelings for him…what if he tries to make and advance on her?
How do I deal with this? I want to believe her…I want to have a future with her. How do I know she wont break my heart? Is she taking advantage of me? Should I tell her I think she is selfish?
Thanks!
(On January 14th, 2009 at 12:28 pm)
Here's my deal, and it sounds pretty common, based on what I read. I have been married 6 years and we have been thru alot. My ex died , leaving my wife and I to raise my 2 girls. I should say, leaving me to raise my 2 girls. She ahs never participated much, and I have not asked her to. I do all the things a single parent should. My wife likes to think that I neglected her to focus on the kids, especially immediately after mom died. I think this is acceptable, and expected. She forgets that we scheduled a trip to the Bhamas just a few weeks after the death. No neglect there. Anyway, I began to suspect she was having an affiar with her boss, and told her so. They went on a business trip together, and had 4 nights at a very nice country club in LA, on the company. She denied any wrongdoing. Months later she told me people at work were spreading rumors about her and the boss. The two primarily responsible for the "rumors" were fired by the boss. She admitted she only told me because she thought someone else would get to me first. Of course, I was upset. She told me I should support her, and had no right to be upset. On we went.
Until she made "friends" with a guy in her industry, who lives near us, and started working out with him, running, yoga. Both things I love, by the way. She spent 2 weekend mornings with him recently, and I called her on it, told her that's over the top, and another weekend like that and we're thru. She grudgingly agreed, but cannot at all understand that I would be concerned, upset whatever, when they do things together. Lunch is planned next week, at about the most romantic place in our city, on him, of course. I found this out because I saw her open date book. She continues to deny they have any definite plans to do anything together. Of course, a boldface lie.
I need a reality check about my feelings, and any other feedback you have. Yes, we're looking up marriage counselors in our area.
thanks, and help.
(On February 4th, 2009 at 7:44 pm)
Hello,
I came across this website when I googled 'repairing a broken relationship,' and I apologize in advance as my story is pretty similar to everyone else's and it must get pretty boring after awhile. Anyway here is my story: My boyfriend and I were together for about a year before he developed a debiilitating condition. It took about two years to get a proper diagnosis and therefore to get treatment. During this two years, he required a lot of care, lots of massages, couldn't do any housework and of course, we had sex about once every two months seizing a rare moment when he wasn't in pain. I didn't mind full time care of him, but of course the sex part was horrible. I dealt with it though and for the most part our relationship was ok. Trouble happened when he finally got a diagnosis and began to get treatment. Slowly, but surely, he began to get better. Well, let me say first that I have always been interested in marriage, and I wasn't very subtle about it either. From the moment our relationshop reached a year, I have dropped many hints. Of course with him sick and in pain, it wasn't too much of an option, but once he started getting better, I assumed that my engagement ring wouldn't be far behind. I was wrong. He never even considered it. We had several arguments about it, most culminating in him telling me that marriage was stupid or just uninteresting to him. It finally got to the point where he basically told me that if I wasn't happy we could break up. I was devasted. Here I had sacrificed my sex life, all my travel plans and my education plans to be with him and take care of him during him lowest and he was telling me that he wasn't interested in marrying me. Even if he didn't believe in it, I thought that as someone who had done so much for him that I deserved some compromise. Finally the devastation wore me and eventually (at this point we still weren't having sex) I ended up having sex with a male friend. Even after he got better, I continued to see my male friend and did so for eight months. About seven months in I broke up with my boyfriend because I recognized that things were bad, that what I was doing was wrong and that being unhappy in a relationship and cheating wasn't helping. Well, my boyfriend was crushed and cried and pleaded and tried him best to get me back. He said he didn't know that marriage was so important to me and begged me to marry him. I wasn't interested as I felt that I needed to work through my issues before being in a relationship again. Well, he continued to beg and continued to plead and one night he confronted me (about two months after we broke up) and said that he knew all about my affair and that he still loved me and wanted to make things worse, that he had his suspicions but that he was just letting it run its course and was waiting for me to figure things out. I was shocked, but I felt that if he still wanted to work on things that maybe he wasn't just using marriage as a ploy to get me back and that maybe he truly was in for the long haul. I took him back and it was amazing. We went on dates all the time, celebrated out four year anniversary at a nice restaurant, were the happiest that we ever had been and even ordered an engagement ring. Things were amazing for about two months and then he began to get depressed. Now, he says he feels like he doesn't know me, that he can't trust me, he feels wounded and betrayed. He has terrible mood swings where he'll be delighted to be around me and then he'll sit there staring at a wall. I'm so upset now, I thought we were going to be ok and now I'm terrified. My engagement ring has been in his drawer (I found it accidentally) for a month now and he has yet to pop the question. He's upset all the time and it's beginning to wear on me. Our sex life as a result is back on the rocks and I find myself watching a ridiclouous amount of pornography, almost to the point that it interferes with my daily life. The rest of the time I walk about in a daze. Today he sounded when I called from work and I as a result I dashed home, jogging the three blocks fro mthe train station because I so wanted to enjoy his good mood while it lasted. I just don't know what to do. I wanted to not be in a relationship because I thought we both needed time and he convinced me and we were great and now I feel like we make each other miserable. Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.
(On February 13th, 2009 at 1:38 am)
Hi there.
My girlfriend of 2 years recently broke up with me and im devastated. We have been inseperable. Living together and travelling the world. We had made all sorts of plans for the next 5 years. When we started seeing each other, i told her some lies. Nothing hurtful, just to make me look better. I really wanted her to think that I was better than i deemed myself to be. further down the line she found me out and after a heart breaking talk she forgave me. After travelling the world together for 6 months we came home for christmas to see her folks. The day before we were due to go back she told me that she was ending it because of these lies. She has never told lies to me and i feel disgusted with how i have behaved. Im desperate to get her back, after leaving her alone for nearly a month im flying out to France to suprise her on valentines day. She is already out there with her family as they have a house there.
Can you offer me advice as what to say?
Please help im turning myself inside out.
(On February 16th, 2009 at 10:45 am)
Hello,
I am definitely having a difficult time not only recovering from an incident between my boyfriend and I, but deciding if I'm even over reacting.
My BF and I met close to a year ago. Early on, we realized we shared many of the same core values in life and morals, etc. He asked if I was currently (at the time) seeing or even "talking" to anyone else, and I asked the same. Both answers were no. He is a good guy from what I know about him, although through out the months I have noticed he has some very "private" ways about him. I almost want to consider them secretive or "shady", but he assures me he has just always been a very private person and even his family nags him about it.
About a month ago, I had lent him my laptop to try and fix. Upon returning it, I casually asked had he gone through my pictures etc. Because I caught him off guard, his reaction said it all. He had gone snooping. I made sort of a big deal over the fact that I was upset he felt he needed to do that, but decided to let it go after realizing his embarrasment and shame were "punishment" enough. He didn't find anything incriminating which was never a concern of mine anyway, it was the point that he didn't trust me that bothered me. I never brought it back up.
The following week, I was at his place and needed to use his laptop for some schoolwork. He logged in under his username and I went back to the living room as he was cooking in the kitchen. When his user settings popped up, so did his internet along with his email already pulled up. I opened a new tab and started reading up on my assignments. Of course, the incident from the previous weekend popped up in my head, as well as his "private ways" and the suspicions I constantly had to fight off because of them. I gave in and click on his emails. In all honesty, I hoped it would be completely innocent and I would go back to my schoolwork feeling ashamed. I was wrong. The very first one I clicked on was a conversation between him and an ex, her asking if he was staying warm or if he needed "that 100% live human skin blanket" and so on. Although he did not make such intimate remarks back, he certainly did not reprimand her for the inappropriately intimate talk or remind her of my presence in his life. He somewhat entertained or even encouraged it. Telling her he appreciated that he crosses her mind still. After seeing this, I went on to other emails. Another one between his most recent ex and him, where sexual references are made even if in a joking matter. (Her discussing the dimensions of a digital frame she just bought and how she would play around with it to figure it out, him saying "you know where my mind went with that" etc). That one did it for me. Because to me, he initated the sexual tone of that conversation.
I tried to keep this to myself so I would have time to reflect and think about it rather than reacting on emotions ( something I tend to do) but he ended up saying something to me the next morning that sparked an argument and it all came out. I stormed off to my car to leave and he followed me out to talk. We talked for hours, mostly me crying and telling him I felt disrespected, lied to, etc etc and he seemed very remorseful. I explained to him that he did not need to be physically intimate with any of these girls to cross the line. He sees it more or less as him making jokes or "talking a fool" rather than talking intimately, I explained otherwise.
I decided after a week of thought that I felt strongly enough about the relationship to try and work past this, and on his part he has made some efforts and trying to reassure me that my role in his life is important to him. But just because I made that decision does not take away the feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime I think about the way he spoke with them or make me any less suspicious that he still entertains these types of convos. I dont want to make this more than what it may actually be, but of course it is hard to see any other perspective.
Please help me
(On February 17th, 2009 at 5:48 pm)
hello,
me and my boyfriend has been together almost ten years. i cheated on him twice after we first got together. he knows all about that. well the other night we was talking and he asked me whose name was on my sons birth certificate. he has asked me several times over the years but i would just say it doesn't have a fathers name. now he knows the truth. i said to him i wanted my kids to have the same last name. now he is really distant from me. we never talk anymore,he never says i love you, he never hugs me,and he doesn't want me touching him. i know that i was wrong and i should have said something but i now i'm afraid of what's going to happen. i love him so very much. we have 2 kids together. he has given me a month to make things right again. how can i make up for 8 years of lieing? please help me…. thanks
(On February 19th, 2009 at 2:57 pm)
Hi Ron,
I have been with my man for four years. We have been through some fabulous times and some bitter times. We have travelled together around the world and lived togther for sometime. He even moved to another country to be with me. What makes my relation confusing is that he gives me mixed signals. He showers me with love and affection and spend most of his time with me. We get along just fine but he has betrayed my trust several times. Till today he lies to me about little stuff. But he has improved greatly. It makes it so much harder to let go when he is so kind and attentive.
We have been to therapy but my feelings of hurt I believe are beyond repair. I am deeply in love with him and affraid to let go. I am also confused at the same time. I want to trust him but find it so hard to trust when he has broken the trust several times. Please HELP!
(On March 4th, 2009 at 8:54 pm)
My husband and I have been together for 11 years & have 2 kids. Up until about 4 years ago I thought thing were doing fairly well. Until I got him cheating with a woman who was supposedly just a friend. He claims nothing ever happened other than going out with a group of people. I not to sure about it but I tried to let in go. Then about 2 years ago I find emails of a sexual nature basically saying another woman could have him anytime she wanted. Since I knew who this was. I put a stop to it before anything ever happened. He said it was all done in fun and was a game. The final straw was in Jan of 09. I notice he was getting alot of texts which he said was from a new guy at work. I had a feeling in my gut that it wasn't. A week or 2 later I read one of these texts which said "sorry babe I didn't know she was home" I confronted him he said it was from the guys wife they had invited him to the gym. He made me feel horrible because I had checked the email. 2 days after this I realize I know the number I was on my cell phone. I then proceeded to spy on him by checking his yahoo accnt and his myyearbook accnt. I found out more than I thought was going on. They had met on a day that he told mehe was going to check on a freind who had gotten laid off. I called him at work and I let him have it along with texting her about it. He comes back with the same excuse most people use I get attetion from this person. We talked through this but seeing how i was lied to I installed a keylogger on the computer. He deleted his yearbook accnt. about a week later. Yesterday I came across what seemed like the same thing happening again. I confronted him about this and told him about the keylogger. He explained the other half of the conversation and proceeded to have a huge fight with me. Now he says he has given up trying to make me happy. And has turned my trust issue with him to a trust issue with me spying on him. I think I was well within my right after being lied to my face and having stuff hidden from me. We both want to try to save the marriage but are not sure where to start. We still love each other But Im not sure if we like each other.
(On March 5th, 2009 at 6:19 pm)
My husband always lies to me. In as much that I wanted to keep our relationship smooth. I can't for the reason that every time I found out all his lies and confronted him. He will attack me with his vicious words by becoming defensive. The more he reacts the more his lies were confirmed. I love him so much I will not let it go. Truth hurts but if he will learn to confide with trust slowly we are goind to learn. So its not too late yet to save the relationship
(On March 25th, 2009 at 8:15 pm)
Hi Ron,
I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now. I thought our relationship was strong, but we always had different opinions on when to have children if/when we get married. I'm 29 and he's 35. He wants to start a family soon and I don't. Even with this difference we kept going with the relationship. However, this past weekend I was playing around with his iPhone and an email from a woman who I never heard him mention before showed up when I opened the internet browser. To make a long story short, I basically saw many emails from women that he has met online through online dating site that he obviously paid for to receive these emails.
I confronted him and he didn't deny it. He couldn't tell me why he did it. He said it was something fun and that he didn't have the intentions of going dates with these women or thoughts of breaking up with me. He thinks that it may be that he wanted the attention. he said he didn't do this after a fight or anything like that. He told me that he did have the chance to go on a date or talk to someone on the phone, but did not do it and stopped communications with the person. He said he felt that he was in control of it. I asked if he was trying to get a headstart with what's out there b/c he thought our relationship wasn't going to work b/c of the whole kids issue we have, but he said it wasn't that either.
I'm at a point, like others who have written you, to figure out if I want to stay with him or just let him go. Our conversations have been open and honest. We don't yell or fight while we talk about this. For some crazy reason, I feel like this doesn't define him and that he is a good person, but I'm scared that what if he does something like this again then I'm going to feel like a fool. I do hate him for what he has done b/c he broke my heart and disrespected our relationship when he decided to do this. Also, I'm nervous that I may hold a grudge against him or something and not really get over this. I know if we decide to reconcile we both have to work on this and that it will be tough.
Also, does it make me a weak woman to take him back? Do I not have self respect for myself? Why do I still want him back at times? In the past, I used to listen to my head a lot when it came to relationships, but with him I've been going with my heart whenever we had any hiccups in the relationship b/c I feel like there might be something here, but I guess, I don't want to be disappointed or I want to protect my heart so I don't get hurt again.
(On March 29th, 2009 at 12:34 pm)
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. We met through a friend and while things were great for the first few months, the week after my birthday he dropped a bombshell on me. He told me that at the party in his house the night before, which I was at, one of his female friends who he was consoling (because she was upset for some reason) kissed him. He was very drunk at the time and pulled away straight away and told me the very next day. It took me a while but I forgave him.
However, the last few months we have been fighting non stop, over little things. And this girl came up in conversation, as she tried it on with my boyfriend again one night when we were out. I told her to back off, because she was being inappropriate and he told me he wanted to go on a break!! We were apart for a week before he realised he was in the wrong, he apologised, we talked things through and we made up.
We fought again recently at the last party they had in his house, where admittedly everyone was very drunk and emotions and tensions were high. We talked things through in the morning and I thought everything was fine.
We haven't seen each other much in the last few weeks because we're very busy with college and his phone is broken so it's difficult to know where we stand. But I went over to his last weekend to watch a film with him, thought everything was fine with him. Then we went upstairs and he told me that he was annoyed with me. Apparently at the last party I told one of his friends something which my boyfriend had confided in me. I have no idea what I apparently said or who I said it to and he won't tell me because he says he believes his friend was telling the truth. He says he can't trust me again and that in future he's not going to be so open with me. I don't know what to do, he says he forgives me because I honestly don't remember saying anything, but I'm scared he'll never be able to trust me again.
Do you think I'll be able to win his trust back again? I forgave him after that girl kissed him, and I trust him never to let himself get in a situation like that again. Am I deluding myself into thinking he really has forgiven me? I don't know when I'm next going to see him. The only reason I got through to him last week was through texting one of his housemates, he doesn't seem to be making much effort since his phone broke. I love him so very much and really don't want to lose him.
(On April 15th, 2009 at 5:31 pm)
okay so this may be a little weird but i am 17 and i was currently with a senior that i truely love. we had been dating for 6 1/2 months till this little problem came up.
so the last couple weeks he has been different, so you know i ask him what is going on with you he tells me that he is failing most of his classes and his mom told him its either break up with her or be grounded for the rest of the year (she blammed it on me for him failing) and so he told me, but he had to make it a bigger story then what he could of made it to just tell me. And i say okay you need space i will give you space.
yesterday i was going thro his phone because he was playing war ball in the gym with the late start. We were suppose to go off campus and go walk in the park and talk about things because he just hasnt been the same he hunts, he is so happy, and always willing to take me anywhere he wants to go. So i was going through his phone and went through texts and he had two girls calling him babe and i love you. and its from a girl that has been "in love" with him for a while. Then i went through his pictures to find the same girl with just her bra on that saved in his phone. Of course i was pissed so i deleted it from his phone. The problem is me, he asked if i had did the deleting of the photo and i was the stupid one that was acting stupid and didnt know what he was talking about.
So in return he gets mad, i know but i later confess that yes i deleted that ONE pic, and he accuses me of deleting more and i didnt. But he broke it off and i need to know how to gain his trust back i feel bad and i know what i did wrong. He was thinking about going into engagement, but now i am scared that i am loosing him. I know what i did wrong and were supposibly going to talk tomorrow on the bus idk what to say to him.
Please help i need it desperatly. I am in love with him and i know he is in love with me to.
Oh a question. He tells me last night when breaking up, i had his sweatshirt and he wanted it back. So i bring it with me to school, i get there and see him. I am having a good time laughing with my friend and i set it on the table for him to grab. He grabs it and i go sit down with my friend and our doughnuts for breakfast, and were laughing and i see him pull out his phone, i get out my phone and he to see he texted me i read it and it says "you know i will still talk to you babe, i just dont know why you had to lie to me" and as the day went on, he was just upset and all that and he gave me back the sweatshirt and said keep it for awhile, because i didnt bring your spray (perfume that he has of mine that was going to be swapped) and he said "i might never remember to bring it with me"
What does this mean in a mans point of view? is he feeling guilty of what he has done to our relationship, is he thinking bout giving me another chance i need to know i am lost
Thanks for your help
~Jess
(On April 17th, 2009 at 8:35 am)
Hi Ron:
My husband and i have been married for 20 years and are together for 23. The first half were the happiest years of my life. We were, I thought, soul mates. We had passion and a deep and abiding love, the kind you only read about. Sure we had problems, like money issues, and some health problems, but I felt that as long as the problems were external in nature, we could handle them.Never would I have believed that what i am about to relay would EVER happen to us.
When we moved cross country eight years ago everything changed. We had been separated for 2 1/2 years because he was trying to build business in in a new location while i continued running his business in back home and tried to sell an old farm house, almost an unsellable property and take care of our little daughter and then sell the business. All of this took far longer than we had anticipated. Shortly after I joined him I found out about an affair he had had while we were separated. That was hard to take, but I could forgive because I knew he had been lonely as i had been. He told me that it was over the minute I arrived and that it had been born out of loneliness. In any case, we had a very rocky start. There was a time he told me that he was no longer attracted to me, which crushed me, but we got through it. For the first year he barely looked at me, but I thought it was due to his depression. Recently, however, I found out that he had continued the affair for about a year and a half after I had arrived, which answered a lot of questions. I can't get out of my mind that he was having sex with her while I was at home tending to our daughter and then he came home and wanted sex with me too. All the while I trusted him implicitly. I feel so deceived, I feel like such an idiot. Supposedly they stopped the physical relationship at that point, but carried on a "friendship" secretly for all of these years, only speaking on cell phones during times when I wasn't around to hear. I found out about all of this when I stumpled upon a Christmas card from her in my husband's glove compartment in January of 09. I knew they had seen oneanother and I confronted him. He first wanted to lie again, but I wasn't buying it. I am angry evenso he cut the ties with her upon my insistance. The actual affair may have happened years ago, but for me the wound is open and gaping. For me it is as if it happened just yesterday. Also, the fact that he could keep the "friendship" a secret from me for so long begs the question, what else has he kept from me? I've become angry, suspicious, resentful and untrusting, I am having a very difficult time forgiving and I hate it.
For about 6 years he has also tried to persuade me to join him in a swingers life style. He feels that as long as sex is merely recreational it is ok. He claims that he will never "love" anyone else and that I should never fear him leaving me. He feels that having sex with different partners is merely satisfying a man's natural tendency to mate with many women and that he should have the freedom to enjoy himself in that fashion from time to time. Since these clubs are meant mainly for couples, he really would enjoy it more if I came along and participated, but I find them repulsive, not to mention dangerous. He does not share in my beliefs, surprise, surprise.He has taken the attitude that if you won't I will find someone who will and searched on the net to do so. That evidently failed, much to his dismay. When I gave him a choice, either me or swinging, he hesitated for a long time and told me that i was giving him a Sophie's Choice. In the end, he supposedly chose me, but very reluctantly. We've been to counseling. It seemed to help for a while, but I had lost my sexual feelings for him, which made the whole situation even worse. I believe that he attends these sex clubs when I am away which isn't often, but still. At one point last year we came to agree to an open marriage arrangement where he could go to these places and i would be free to date. He did and i did. I also had an affair and I cannot say that I regret it. It tought me that i am still attractive to men and that i can still feel something sexual. When my husband noticed that my experience hadn't been totally physical in nature, that there were actual feeling between the two us and that he might be losing me, he became concerned and begged and pleaded with me to end it and that he would also end his trips to the sex clubs. We tried to make a new start at that point, which was last November. To my knowledge he has kept his promise and I know i did as well, but we have had talks about the subject and he claims that he will never feel totally happy and fulfilled with just me. He claims that no matter how much we have sex and no matter how good it is, in his mind he will always have fantasies about being a part of that lifestyle. There have been so many lies and so much deceit, my trust is totally destroyed. I don't know if it even can be revived at this point. I feel so beaten down from 8 years worth of emotional torture taht I am not sure that I want to go on even though he has said that he would not go to these clubs any longer and that he will be totally honest and transparent from here on in. If it weren't for this issue we could be blissfully happy because we get along in every other aspect of our lives. Is it selfish of me to want my man to be desirous of only me? I feel that I am standing in his way of true happiness, although he claims that he would be lost without me. He seems to want a homelife and a loving and supportive and giving wife, but he wants his sex clubs too. To me that is absolutely unexceptable. I fear that the past will just keep repeating itself and yet underneath it all I know I still feel love. I keep asking the same questions, hoping for a different response, but it is always the same. Is this a hopeless cause?
Please help,
Rachel
(On April 22nd, 2009 at 4:30 pm)
hey ron.
ok basically i have been dumped, yes it's all my fault but i need this girl back she is my life, basically i told my then girlfriend that i would stop smoking but she caught me smokin i know i brought it on myself but she says when i'm out she feels like i will be smoking again and can't tust me so dumped me. i need some way to repair the damage. please help.
Thanx. Adam
(On April 22nd, 2009 at 6:10 pm)
Ron: I would appreciate a response to my delimma. I will be waiting amd will be very interested in wht you feel should happen.
Rachel …
(On April 27th, 2009 at 10:55 pm)
Ron,
I've been having this problem lately. My girlfriend and I have been together for about seven months. I've always been suspicious of her….I honestly do not know why. I've had a fair amount of bad relationships in my life, so I guess I figured this relationship would go the way of the others. She works alot, and still lives with her parents, making it nearly impossible for there to be any alone time. Problems started about a month and a half ago when we stopped having sex. She says she simply doesn't want to do it…but she has no reasons besides that. This made me suspicious of her hooking up with her ex, whom I admittedly stole her from, because I saw how unhappy she was with him. So I did the normal guy thing, as it seems from this page, and did research on my own, trying to figure out where she was. Finally one day I got a text from a friend showing that she was going over to the ex's house for the night. I called her immediately afterwards and told her what I had seen. She told me that all the stress I had been causing from asking why she didn't want to have sex caused her to want to have a night away. Now granted I know I did something wrong….being raised I was always told that you could have sex with someone you love, and being a very sexual person myself, I was laying in wait for that opportunity to arise. However now that I know i'm in love, i'm extremely frustrated that I can't have all those experiences I had dreamed of since puberty. So as you can see, this became a large rift between the two of us. Back to the story, I called her on the carpet about spending the night at this guys house. She said that our problem in our relationship was my inability to trust her. So I took her word for it, as it seemed as close of a possibility as any. So i asked her brother why she was home so often, and he told me that they never get to see each other so they want each other around. This is the opposite of my family life, as we do love each other, but we want as much time APART as possible. She proceeded to get mad at me for asking that of her brother. This being said she has made it perfectly clear that she does not want to leave me and she continues to give me chances. I'm past the issue of trusting her…as it is building, slowly but surely. My problem is with the initial cause of this. Why would she want to stop? I know that i'm good enough. I think i'm attractive enough. This is the only unanswered question, to me, in our entire relationship. What could it be?
(On May 11th, 2009 at 3:27 pm)
I have spent a good deal of time reading the articles here about trust issues and have have a drama of my own that I would like some advice on if possible.
My wife and I have been married about 4 years, over the past few months we have been having issues since she discovered some emails that i had sent with my neighbor while she was out of town and we had a few too many. Since then we have had some issues in our relationship.
A few weeks ago we got into an argument, she hit me, called the police and was arrested for Domestic Violence – Assault. Since then she has been living with her friend and we have talked a bit. She is not allowed to come home until her court date later this week once the court issued restaining order is lifted. We have had some conversations while she was gone, and we had one for 3 hours where I came clean on the emails. She had said just moments before "look, i'm ready to forgive you if you sent them, but i want to know the truth".
We'll, we have seen a councler and are starting to repair our marraige, however the court case is weighing heavy on our minds, so we need to get past that so we can begin to heal fully.
She admitted to me that she was looking for apartments "because she needs somewhere to live". While i am unsure of her real intentions here, I get the feeling that she is honest and want space so we can work out our issues and get our lives back together.
I have also seen some emails to/from friends of her's that have said
(friend) "Hey it's not progressing in the right direction, sorry"
Her response was: "it actually is, talk to you sometime later".
We'll all that said, what are your thoughts ?
(On May 12th, 2009 at 11:12 am)
Dear Rachel,
You have a very difficult situation and I can tell you still love him and would like just this aspect of your relationship to change. But unfortunately, in my experience, things like that don't change. The change can only come from deep inside him.
And it sounds like his sexual needs have been out of control for at least the past eight years. It doesn't sound like he can or even wants to change.
It also sounds like the affair you had was a good thing for you and kinda helped you find yourself again sexually and as a woman. That aspect of you should not be ignored. And frankly, it really can't. If he doesn't make you feel desirable, you should not be forced to live the rest of your life feeling like that.
From the outside, it seems very obvious to me that you are not happy and things have not improved very drastically over the past years. And I think anyone would tell you that you need to be happy in your life and the longer you stay there, you are just delaying how happy you could really be.
And most importantly, you are not being selfish for wanting him to only want you. That is what most men and women want from their partners and you deserve to have what you want.
I don't know if you have tried therapy with him, but if he is willing to go I would try that. Maybe if he can see things from your point of view told to him by an outside source, he would want more for you. But again, it has to be inside him to want to change.
I wish you the best of luck.
(On May 12th, 2009 at 3:01 pm)
Ron:
Thank you for your frank reply. We have utilized the assistance of a sex therapist/phsychologist in the past. It seemed to have helped for a time. You are right, an uninvolved third party can sometimes bring points across to your partner far better than you can and sometimes light bulbs will go off and maybe we will try therapy again if my husband is willing. But you are also correct when you say that your partner must want to change on his/her own from deep inside. I don't perceive this to be the case with my husband. I feel he has agreed to change in order not to lose me and everything we've worked for all of these years, but not because he really wants to change on his own. I feel that if I hadn't found out about all of this, it would continue to occur behind my back until the day I die and this is unbelievably painful. We must work on restoring trust, but I don't believe that our lives will ever be as they once were. We can never go back and i will either have to live with that fact or make a major change.
Again, thank you for your help.
Rachel
(On May 14th, 2009 at 9:51 am)
Dear Rob S,
It seems to me that this is a very stressful situation. You guys both did things wrong. Now I don't know what your emails said to this neighbor of yours but really it doesn't matter because it should never resort to violence. If you forgive her and want to move forward in the marriage, you both have to stop sneaking. Her reading your emails and vise versa. But before that even, you guys have to earn each others trust back. Therapy, honesty and time.
The fact that she wants to find another place can really only be a good thing. You guys obviously need a drastic change in your marriage. Now it might come in the form of time apart and realizing it's for the better or you guys wanting to be together and both be willing to work hard at that. Either way, I believe it will be an improvement over your current situation.
(On May 16th, 2009 at 5:18 pm)
Rachael,
Thank you for your response to my posting. I do agree with you that this situation is highly stressful and very dynamic right now. One minute were talking peacefully making progress next minute someone is hanging up on the other person. Obviously right now one thing that is hanging over our heads is the charges of Domestic Violence Assault, which in this state is always prosecuted. I have pleased with the Prosecuting Attorney to get the case dropped, and i pleaded for 45 minutes. After the 45 minutes they agreed to evaluate my testimony and the case as a whole, they indicated that thier was a 1-2% chance they would drop the charges fully. This will help us toward healing!
We had our first session with a councler 2 weeks ago. The first session was difficult because the case was weighing heavily on her mind and she didn't want to discuss it, which didn't really help too much. We did make some small progress none the less, she came out with some things that she was unhappy with and i am working to correct those issues. Our second session the other day was better, it was the day after the hearing, and she simply opened up more. Our session should have been 1 hour, but because we were talking and working things out it ended up almost 2 hours! That's a step in the right direction i guess. While we discussed some things of what we did last week, we also opened up some new doors, on how I can re establish trust with her, and what some of her feeling are of issues that i need to address, as well as what issues i feel she needs to address. Unfortunatly it was more 1 sided against me, and i didn't really get to say too much, i suspect it was because the case is still pending and healing cannot really begin until the case is over.
Now all that said, she finially admitted to me that she is going to get an apartment so that we both have seperate spaces and can work on our relationship. Once she actually said this to me, it was OK because i had heard it before. I know she has not signed yet and I think she is having issues coming up with the money for it to be honest, i guess that's one reason she is trying to squeeze me for $1k+. We'll back on topic, when she said that to me I responded back to her with "we'll i do understand your postion, however you have never heard what i have to say about you with your own apartment." She said "we'll what is it then?". I responded with "Like i said, I understand, however I feel that by you getting your own apartment this is a massive slap in my face, and a slap in the face of our commitment to each other." Her response was "I know it hurts both of us, but we need to do this to heal."
We'll all that wonderful stuff up top being duely noted, what are some other things that you can think of that would help me re establish the trust with my wife, besides things that she says need to be addressed?
Thanks in advance,
Rob
(On May 24th, 2009 at 4:01 pm)
I know I'm not the official sort of advice giver, but Jess, if you're still coming back to check on this…I couldn't help but respond.
Honey, take this from a college girl who has been through enough since being 17 to know better but is still not so far into adulthood that she can't remember what it was like.
From what little I've read about this relationship you have – I am going to be candid with you:
- You should not have gone through his phone. I understand how it feels to need to. I've done it myself, but I am not proud of having done it and it was/is still wrong.
- This boy does not seem to be ready to be in a real relationship.
- Even though you made a mistake, you are the one who now deserves the apology. Even if he is not seeing these other girls and is only talking to them, he has not been totally honest with or faithful to you.
- I do believe in love in high school being real. I just think that it should be handled more carefully and put into perspective. I believe you when you tell me that you love this guy: from what you say it seems that you truly care. However, I don't want you to rule out the possibility of ever feeling this way again about anyone else in your life.
- I think he does care about you: I just think he is too immature and selfish to be the boyfriend you want and need right now. He does not treat you the way he should treat a girlfriend he says he loves. You deserve respect and honesty from a boy or man who claims he loves you. He is showing you neither and does not seem that he wants to change. This is not good.
- Hiding any sort of relationship with any other girl(s) from you is immature, mean, and unfair. No matter how you found out, this is the bottom line and you need to remember this.
- In all likelihood, he does not know what he wants. This makes him a bad boyfriend for you to have. Even though it might be hard for you, much easier said than done, I believe you should call it off with him indefinitely. Apologize for looking through his phone. But also let him know what he has done wrong and why you cannot be in a relationship with him. If he can ever prove to you that he is mature enough to treat you as you deserve then you should consider him again.
However, do not put your life on hold for him. Stay open minded: there is a chance you might find someone else who you grow to care about just as much.
(On May 27th, 2009 at 11:06 am)
I have been in a relationship with this guy for almost 3 years, we have a 16 month old together. We do not live together, but at one time we did. Here's the thing I have been abstinant from abusing drugs and alcohol for nearly 5 years now and when we got together we had about the same amount of time abstinant, I got pregnant and he moved in a couple of months before I had the baby. After he moved in I started getting suspicious about some of his behaviors (I thought he was using drugs again) and I confronted him numerous times and he always denied it. So finally after the baby was about 6 months old he finally came clean that he had been using drugs and he had been doing it for a while. I am still so angry about this I feel so violated and betrayed. He moved out went through treatment and claims he is still abstinant, but I don't know. We continue to see each other usually a few times a week and I just can't seem to get over it. I do not trust him, and I don't know if I can.
(On June 8th, 2009 at 10:39 am)
Dear Hollie,
I have some personal experience in this area. I too had a child with a drug addict who was quit at the time I became pregnant and had the child. He too started using and it has been a long battle ever since. The bottom line is you can never know where the other person is; either really wanting to quit and stay quit for themselves or just stopping because they don't want to lose something in their life. Unfortunately, if they aren't doing it for themselves, it will never stick.
If you want to try to trust him, then try. But he did keep it from you and he might again. The only way you can really trust in him again is time. But I know from personal experience, that trust is very hard to get back. You either have to come to terms that this is always going to be an issue or at the very least be in the back of your head. Or you can try to walk away. I know you guys have a kid together, so you can never fully walk away, but at least somewhat emotionally.
I have had very similar issues and if you need any more advice or want to know exactly the type of things I did, don't hesitate to write back. I wish you luck.
(On June 13th, 2009 at 10:15 pm)
Dear Ron,
You may consider me to be young for this, but I have dug myself a very deep hole in my relationship. She and I are both 14 years old and yes, sexually active. We've only been together 2 months and we've grown very strongly attached to each other. Or so I thought. Last weekend she left with her sister across the country to stay with her father (parents are divorced). The day after she left, I heard an incredible amount of things she had pulled before she left. 1) She planned on having sex with 2 of my close friends. 2) She kissed my best friend and 3) She planned on cheating on me while she's on her trip. I called her after I found out everything and she confessed to everything. She started sobbing and swore she'd do anything to keep our relationship together and I asked only that she be honest with me from now on. Since then she's been nothing but apology. She wants me to try to forget it and to convince myself nothing like it will happen again. I want to believe her, I really do, but I just don't know how I can do that… When she was ten she was raped by her brother and cousin every day for nearly a month before anyone found out. Do you think this would create a want for sexual attention? Also, do you think we can work things out between us after what she has done?
(On June 15th, 2009 at 1:18 pm)
Dear Jaymz:
I am not a psychiatrist, but I have lived for 52 years. I have broken hearts and have had my heart broken too. I may not be an expert, but i can tell you that you are right, you are too young for a sexual relationship in today's world. Heck, there are even laws against it. Mother nature wants procreation to occur and has given us all very powerful hormones to promote this to happen, but mother nature isn't considering our modern life, the difficulties that come with it, or the maturity it takes in order to deal with its consequences. The hormones that come with sex bond males and females for a time and that is what you are feeling, but this is the time in your life you should be consentrating on yourself, who you want to be and how to best get there. Also, in order to know with whom you would be best matched for a long term relationship it is imparative that you first know yourself very, very well, which takes time. As to your girlfriend, I think that this poor girl is very confused as anyone would be who has had the kind of brutal experience she has had. I think that she may need some long term professional help before she will ever be ready for a healthy man/woman relationship. If I were you, I would soul search to find what it is that i want to do in life. Find your passion and focus on it not any romance at this point. It can only lead to heartbreak. Hope that helps.
(On June 20th, 2009 at 1:59 pm)
Ron,
I've been reading through these posts and crazy enough a little piece of all of them is mixed into my equation. My boyfriend and I have been off and on for over two years, its easy to say he's the love of my life. We met when I was 4 months pregnant and he so gratiously took my son and I, and has raised him as his own. Lately we've been having a ton of trust issues, mainly my fault and I admit to that everday. The first half of our relationship was amazing, we were inseperable with no problems whatsoever. After I had my/our son things started changing, he started wanting to go out more and I rarely ever saw him, we decided he should move out which he did. Two weeks after he had moved back into his own place he decided we shouldn't be together. I never got a straight reason but found myself looking through his emails one day, I had noticed him talking to another girl for a while towards the end of our relationship and soon learned that was his new girlfriend. He isn't the cheating type, and I never questioned that. So for the 6 months following our first break up he went back and fourth between her and I; as did I with my ex.
We finally decided it was time to try again, me being unsure openly told him that at the beginning of our second time around. I had my guard up and of course had my trust issues. I will admit I did somethings i'm not proud of, I was still talking to my ex at the time, my current boyfriend found out and told me to stop talking to him which I did. I told him I would change and that we could make this work. Everything was absolutely great we were planning a wedding and our future, everything went from his/my future to OUR future.
And then the fighting started again, we constantly got into arguments mainly about him bringing up the past, blaiming me and putting me on a guilt trip everyday. It got to the point that I felt emotionally abuised and I could feel myself sink lower and lower everday, I started to fight back I started bringing up the first time he left. So it was a constant bicker back and fourth for a good month or so. We finally decided we need to stop this and planned a trip for two to the coast; just some time we could get back to just him and I. Everything was great when we got back until I started noticing funny things about him, he would constantly take the computer into his office and lock the door stay in there for an hour or two and then come out. He kept leaving the house for long periods of time. So me being of course a girl had to do my research. I logged onto his email and noticed him talking to one of his ex's who he claimed was just an old friend of his…clearly not just a friend. He had had an emotional relationship going on with this girl (and yes i'll call her a girl she's 6 years younger than me and 8 younger than him) I confronted him about it and repeadly told him how sorry I was because I felt it was my fault that he was doing this, it was me that started the fights it was my fault that he had to go reach out to another girl. Of course he did blame me for it, but after a few days he manned up and admitted it wasn't my fault but his. Its been a month since then and he hasnt talked to her once we've stopped fighting but i'm still not okay with him talking to other girls even if they are just his friends. I still have major trust issues. I just dont know what to do. My friends and family say we need to either fix it or just get out, because I can't continue throwing a fit (not literally but crying, or begging him to stay home) when he decides its guys night and he needs a night out.
Please help with whatever you can. I'm lost and I want to be happy again.
Sincerely,
Brittani.
(On June 27th, 2009 at 2:15 am)
Ron,
I have been married to my husband for six months. This is my second marriage and his first. When we got together he had a close female friend and told me about her. Excessively. This bothered me but I figured he said they were only platonic friends and I should meet her since we were becoming serious. It took months to meet her and when I told him that it bothered me that he talked about her constantly and hung out with her every moment we weren't together he was really defensive. In the two years we have been dating and now married I have only seen this girl four times and that includes the wedding. At the wedding she told everyone that he asked her out first. I was upset but my husband refused to say anything to her. He told me he was going to visit his grandparents and later I found out he spent all day with her instead. I got a really bad feeling since we were not settling into marriage very well and snooped through his phone. I found text messages from her telling him to move out and that she had a friend for him to live with. A female yoga instructor that lived next door to her. I confronted him with this and he just yelled at me and told me that I was trying to controll him. I have snooped since and each time she has sent him messages about sneaking out to meet her. I don't know if he has but now I always expect him to be lying to me about where he's going and who he's really with. I don't know what to do. He says that I broke his trust by looking through his stuff and he will not give up his friendship since he was friends with her before he met me. I never asked him to give up his friendship but I did say to him that as a married man spending time alone with a single woman isn't appropriate. I also asked to get to know her and be included in some of their outings. I tried contacting her but she refuses to speak to me or respond to my requests. Please help. I love him but I can't take a back seat to another woman in my marriage.
Elizabeth
(On June 27th, 2009 at 7:44 am)
Dear Elizabeth:
It appears to me that you would not be snooping if you weren't suspecting foul play. Women have a keen sense about these issues and it is correct to follow your God given gut feelings, your instincts. They usually don't steer you wrong. Besides, your husband already lied to you regarding this girlfriend and where there is smoke there usually is fire.
In order for a marriage to work, there has got to be total transparancy on both sides. To be fair, you should never ask of him what you yourself would not give.
From the way you describe the situation it appears that the girlfriend is up to no good and that she feels in competition with you. She may, in fact, be trying to break up your marriage. She also seems to have a certain hold over your husband or at least quite a bit of influence, which would make me suspicious as to how platonic this "friendship" really is.
You must nip this in the bud before it goes out of control and all may be lost. Trust me, it can easily slide down a slippery slope to no return. You must somehow make your husband understand that this woman is an interloper and that he is now a married man and has chosen YOU to be his life's partner, not her, therefore his first and foremost allience and commitment needs to be with you. This may not be an easy task and may require an uninvolved third party like a good marriage counselor or even a dear friend, preferably one of his, who can talk to him in a way in which he would understand. As you probably know, men and women communicate very differently. Lay all of your cards on the table, be totally honest with him about your feelings and SET YOUR BOUNDARIES. If you don't set your boundaries now, you will set a precidence for the future that you will tollerate anything. Love and Trust are very closely linked. If trust is irreperably damaged then you both will be in for a lot of heartache and it will ultimately lead to the culmination of your marriage. This is not the way to start out your honeymoon period.
The second step is to then have him, not you, bring this home to the girlfriend. Personally, I would not allow this "friendship" or whatever it is to continue at all because it appears that she would never be friendship material for you, however, if you decide to let it be, then she should now not just be his friend, but a family friend, which means that you should be included in each and every meeting, no exceptions.
Elizabeth, I am not a counselor, and other than life's experience I am not certified, so take whatever i have said with a grain of salt, but I hope that I have been able to help at least a little.
Rachel
(On June 30th, 2009 at 7:20 pm)
Dear Ron,
I am in desperate need of help.
I met my boyfriend over a year ago and we knew immediately th at we had each found that "person" for us. I was attending college about 2 hours away at the time. I have had an extremely rocky relationship with my mother for years and I was at wits end in the early fall. I ended up leaving school and moving in with my boyfriend. Needless to say my mother was unhappy and didn't understand my decision and plays little to no role in my life now. After living together for about 5 months we decided to get engaged with the plan for a long engagement (about 2 years) We recently moved into a new apartment and a friend moved in with us for the summer. I had been feeling a lot of resentment because my fiance and friends were going out every night and my job starts pretty early in the morning so often times I could not spend time with him. I have been feeling angry and unappreciated but we talked about things and were on the road to making changes and getting our relationship back to where it should be. THis is where the problem came about.
I was at our apartment pool with a friend drinking beer throughout the day. When my friend left I decided to meet new people and hang out with a group of people in the pool. I at that time did not realize how drunk I was and when everyone else left, I continued to talk to this one guy. We talked about all sorts of random things…including my engagement, how hard it is to live with a roommate, and how difficult relationships can be. I made the mistake of letting things go way too far with this random guy and he ended up putting his arms around my waist and i did not push him away. It's almost like I was in a daze. That's when my fiance walked in and saw it happening. Since then he has been out with friends, angry and not dealing with this at all. We have had many talks about all of this and he says he just can't get all of this through his head. He cannot emotionally deal with this at all and I am basically sitting here waiting for him to tell me to move out. He is going to see his therapist in two days but i'm afraid he is not even considering working this out. Obviously I 100% agree my actions were wrong and I broke his trust and hurt him but I am willing to do anything to make this work because I know in my heart there is no other person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He has also told me since this happened that he loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me, he just doesn't know if he can deal with this mentally and emotionally now or in the future. (he has had a history of girlfriends cheating on him) This happened 5 days ago and nothing has changed no matter how much we talk about it. I just don't know what to do. I know I would have to earn his trust back but he said he doesn't even know how to do that. Do you have an outsiders opinion or advice for this situation. I'm sorry this is so long I just figured the more information you know, the better you can help.
(On June 30th, 2009 at 7:23 pm)
I also must add that for me this waiting period is especially hard because I am completely financially dependant upon him and I have no where to go if he decides he can't deal with this. Not that this is especially important but it is something that is affecting me
(On July 1st, 2009 at 10:50 am)
Hi Taylor:
Young Love can be so beautiful and so hurtful all at the same time. Trust is very fragile and is closely connected to Love. Once trust has been broken, unless the commitment is very strong and both parties really want to work on it, everything else tumbles down too usually after a suffcient amount of hurt has been incurred.
You did a silly thing by getting drunk, hence making yourself vulnerable to someone elses advances. You most probably didn't intend to hurt your boyfriend, but you put yourself in a situation where there was the possibility of that happening and it did. I think that what you were really looking for is attention. You say that you had communicated your feelings of loneliness with your boyfriend and have been working them out. Were they not being worked out to your satisfaction or quickly enough? Why do you think that the pool incident was necessary? These are questions you should ask yourself in order to explore your own feelings and why you do the things you do. Your boyfriend evidently has had his heart broken a number of times already and is now gun-shy, which is very understandable. If you both really want to patch things up, it will take real commitment on your part to show him you mean business by expressing your deepest regret for what has happened, tell him sincerely that it will never happen again and then show him in everything you say and do from now on that you are serious. It will take a lot longer than 5 days, but it can be done if he is willing to forgive. The problem with these things is, although your partner may forgive you he will never forget. "Don't do to others what you don't want done onto you". I am not religious, but that is a good motto to live by. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and you cought him with another girl? Try to put yourself in the other persons shoes to understand how they might feel. That will give you a benchmark as to how you talk to people and your actions around others.
Regarding your mother, go to her and work things out. She is not your enemy, but the one who will be there long after your boyfriends have come and gone. Mother/daughter relationships are complex. There have been many books written about the subject. I suggest you read some of them. You will probably find that your feelings toward your mother are not unique. Trust me, you will value that relationship more and more as you get older and as your relationship with your mother improves, you will feel stronger for it.
Hope that helps,
Rachel
(On July 1st, 2009 at 10:57 am)
Ron:
I would really like to speak with you. Please email me.
Rachel
(On July 2nd, 2009 at 6:14 pm)
hi there,
i have not cheated on my partner but trust is very important to both of us and today i lied to him and he fount out, he has now said that he will never b able to trust me again, im just wondering what i can do to help regain this trust. This is the first time i lied to him and definatly the last, i didnt mean to do it i was just scared and embarassed, it wasnt easy to lie to him and now im terrified of loosin him. please help
(On July 7th, 2009 at 2:03 am)
Dear Ron,
I have been with my wife for 12 years. We have twin four years old daughters. We have been married for 6 years. I'm 28 years old and she is 26.
She is my high school sweetheart. I'm so very much hurt, I hope you can help me.
When we started dating, after 2.5 years into our relationship, I found out she was having an affair with another boy for over 1.5 year. I was devastated, I broke off the relationship right away. But after two months of her constantly showing up to my work, school, everywhere crying. I decided to give her another chance. It took me 5 years to trust her again.
2 years ago, I got really suspicious about her friendship with a male friend of her. She would always keep her distance from me anytime the friend was around. I didn't think of it as much, but 1.5 year ago, after few occasions I told my wife I was feeling uncomfortable. Although she promised to cut off contact with him, I caught them on the phone. This time I got very emmotional and told her my trust will be broken If I catch her talking to him ever again. She promised, no more. Again 8 months ago, I saw her phone bill and multiple conversations taking place, calling each other back and forth.
All this time, she would call me crazy for being suspicious of her breaking her promise. Caught red handed, she only admitted to things I had proof of. My marriage was over, but before divorce, she cried her way into my father and mothers heart. My father put me in a tuff situation to except her back.
Now, only after 5months of being together, seems like she expects me to trust her again. She is going back to her old ways (nothing that she's doing wrong, just her lack of attention towards me). I feel like she will make history for the 3rd time.. I don't trust her… But for the sake of our twins, Ive been hanging on. I think about her and what she's doing every moment she's not with me.
Do you think I should move out, be seperated for a while and see how we feel in a few months??? I'm so lost, hurt, confused and in love… I don't think I'll ever meet another girl as perfect as her, except her lying/breaking the rules we setup….
(note: I haven't caught her meeting him in person, only on the phone, but who knows the answers of what she's not telling me. Questions remain unanswered, her only response is " coincidence")
I don't trust her at all. Everything she does makes me question her.
(On July 10th, 2009 at 12:03 pm)
Hi Nikki:
Everybody lies…There are little white lies, such as telling someone their dress is flattering when it really isn't and then there are the big lies, which are far more serious, hurtful, distructive and deceiptful. You didn't mention what you lied about, but I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance.
Good luck,
Rachel
(On July 11th, 2009 at 10:17 am)
Hi Struc:
It appears that you have some severe trust issues that may best be resolved by seeing a good therapist, somone you can relate to and communicate with. Men are generally reluctant to do that, but sometimes it helps to have an uninvolved third party to listen with an objective ear. Also, your wife may not be aware of the depth of your feelings and the importance in getting this issue resolved in order to save this marriage. Men and women communicate differently and hence misunderstand eachother a lot, which leads to problems. A therapist can be a kind of translator to let each party understand the other more fully. You have two little girls who depend on both of you to be there for them in a harmoneous setting to let them grow and develop normally. You owe it to them to make this thing work.
I know, first hand, how painful it is when you feel you cannot trust your partner and am sympathetic to your situation. I have also recognized that all of our emotions are choices. We chose to love, hate, ignore, trust etc. or not. First, you need to feel that your wife is "trust worthy", which would require her to be completely above board with you and transparent with everything she sais and does. When you feel ready you can then make the "choice" to trust her again. Of course, you should feel confident that she will not break your strust again, which would require her understanding and sincerety. I am just someone who writes in because I feel the pain and want to help. Find a licensed therapist who can sit down with you face to face to figure this thing out.
Rachel
(On July 16th, 2009 at 12:12 pm)
So, I didn't think I would do something like this, just because I try to keep my life a little private, but this is just something I needed to get off my chest. Hell, I'm not even looking for any sort of response, I just need to get this off my chest.
My girlfriend of 4 months and I are just perfect for each other. We both just came out of pretty rough relationships (mine lasted a year and the ex treated me like shit towards the end, hers was off and on for about 5 years and the ex cheated on her several times). Because of her ex, she had some trust issues with men, which I knew and understood coming into this. I figured, okay, I've got nothing to hide, she has no reason not to trust me, so I can easily gain her trust.
Well, because of my ex, I had been a little mistrustful of women, because I was afraid that I would screw up and all of that. I suspected that the ex had been cheating on me towards the end, but I had no strong evidence. Because of this, I had this HORRIBLE habit of trying to check my gf's texts, Facebook messages, etc. One of these times, I read some VERY concerning texts from some guy that she told me had hit on her when she was at this party while I was out of town. They concerned me, but I believed her when she said that NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. About a week or so later, after a night of her drinking, she finally came clean with me…her and this guy had been drinking, her to a certain point, and he made a move on her…and they kissed. She said that she stopped everything before it went too far, but I was more relieved than anything, because it was a GREAT relief off my mind, to know that nothing further had happened.
About a week or two after this incident, I checked her phone again (despite me telling her after the last time that I would never do it again) and, once again, saw some very concerning texts between her and this other guy that she had been friends with, but they had since grown apart. They were trying to work out their problem or whatever, which I was perfectly fine with. The texts, though, REALLY concerned me. Yeah, she said early on that she was with me and very happy, and would never do anything to hurt me, and the guy said that he assumed they wouldn't be able to hang out like they used to. She said they could, just nothing sexual in nature could happen, like it might have when she was single. The conversation went a little differently after that. She asked what he had in mind if she were single. He told her (not going to say), then at the end, he asked if she would like to see him all naked and sweaty, she said "mmm-hmmm." THAT was the part that hurt me the most. It was almost as if they go from "what if" to "definitely."
I didn't say anything, because I was so ashamed that I had even looked at it after I told her I wouldn't. Things got much better for us. I kept pushing any suspicious thoughts out of my head, though I made it ABUNDANTLY clear that I didn't trust the guy's intentions with her. She told me, over and over again, that we were fine, that I was the only one that she could possibly want, all of that. I believed her, but for some damn reason, those texts kept creeping into my thoughts. Finally, even after we had given each other promise rings and promised that we would get married one day, I confessed to her about reading the texts.
She admitted that, the reason she said those things to him, was because she had had doubts about us lasting, and she was still clinging to that single life she had grown used to. But, after that incident, NOTHING HAPPENED, that the words never turned into action. I believe her, but the thing that is killing me the most was her disappointment that I had broken her trust. That disappointment…I can't deal with that. I love her so much that it hurts so badly, knowing that I hurt my best friend like that.
I know that we'll be fine, because we both want to work this out, we both want to fix this and put it all behind us. I just don't know how to regain that lost trust that I worked so hard for in the beginning…
(On July 16th, 2009 at 12:51 pm)
If nothing happened, I would treat it as such. If you both want this relationship to work out, then you both have to DECIDE to trust one another and be WORTHY of that trust.
(On July 20th, 2009 at 6:52 am)
My husband and I were happy; well that’s what I thought. We have a 3 year old adorable son. We are both in our early 30s. We are of different religion and had some problems which we eventually settled.
In January I notice that my husband and I were not connection, I questioned it but he always had an excuse for him being distant. The night before Valentine’s Day, he came home from work, went to the guest room and sat on the bed looking at his cell phone, we talked and argue as I question him about his behavior lately. After he slept, I look into his work bag and couldn’t believe what I saw. I found a card that read “Dear baby, happy valentine’s day, love Doll”.
I later found out him and this girl from work, started to have lunches which eventually turned into an emotional affair. He claimed that he doesn’t want her but yet when he is drunk he calls her. She threatens to call the cops on him but he still can’t get her out of him mind. I think it’s over between them (on her side) but he is still trying to talk to her. He claimed it started because we had problems about religion – I know it’s all an excuse but his family now takes his side.
I want to leave but I am torn – I want our son to have both parents, and have his family together and on the other hand I don’t want him because I feel he only wants me because of our son.
(On July 22nd, 2009 at 6:23 pm)
I need some advice. Last year my bf & I were going thru a roughspot. WE were facing an unplanned pregnancy & were having alot of fights. One time it got physical & I called the police. He took off to his ex-gf's& stayed the night. At 1st he tried ti hide it from me until I went thru his text msgs. He finnally fessed up that he stayed there but said nothing happened. He said he passed out on the couch after drinking quite a bit. then I get a call from her last night saying that he did cheat on me. I was so hurt, I didnt say anything & just hung up the phone. when I got home, I didnt wanna talk about it. I wanted to calm down & collect my thoughts but he got angry& it all came out the complete opposite way I wanted it to. he still says that nothing happened and I dont doubt him but I guess I'm angry that he hasnt told her to leave us alone & that he doesnt wanna talk to her. these are all the things that he tells me but needs to say to her. I know shes psychotic & she still holds on to hope that she will get back together with him & tries to text him when she knows I' m @ work. how do I deal with this? Please help.
Thanx,
(On July 22nd, 2009 at 6:23 pm)
I need some advice. Last year my bf & I were going thru a roughspot. WE were facing an unplanned pregnancy & were having alot of fights. One time it got physical & I called the police. He took off to his ex-gf's& stayed the night. At 1st he tried ti hide it from me until I went thru his text msgs. He finnally fessed up that he stayed there but said nothing happened. He said he passed out on the couch after drinking quite a bit. then I get a call from her last night saying that he did cheat on me. I was so hurt, I didnt say anything & just hung up the phone. when I got home, I didnt wanna talk about it. I wanted to calm down & collect my thoughts but he got angry& it all came out the complete opposite way I wanted it to. he still says that nothing happened and I dont doubt him but I guess I'm angry that he hasnt told her to leave us alone & that he doesnt wanna talk to her. these are all the things that he tells me but needs to say to her. I know shes psychotic & she still holds on to hope that she will get back together with him & tries to text him when she knows I' m @ work. how do I deal with this? Please help.
Thanx,
confused in arizona
(On July 29th, 2009 at 4:41 pm)
Ron,
i need your advice. I have broken the trust of my wife. My wife (i just found out) has a lot of trust issue, which i was unaware of.
My wife recently approached me about online dating, asking if i had ever dated anybody online.
I knew my wife would have been extremely judgmental and hurtful if i had admitted to it. I am not embarrased but i did not want my wife to think less of me.
I said that i had signed up for a few free trials, but nothing happened, i never followed through on any people i met…i didnt know she had gone through my emails and had read a lot of my emails.
I have not and will never cheat. all of my onlin was before i met my wife. my wife has also never wanted to know about my relationships prior to her.
none the less, i denied dating anybody online, even though she knew i had.
My wife has lost her trust in me, and while i understand why shes upset. i dont know what i can do to make it right. she is angry (it happened about 2 dys ago) and doenst want to let it go or forgive me. she says that im going to lie to her when i cheat on her…which i would never do.
Im stuck and i dont know what to do. I did lie, and i understand why she's upset. What can i do to work on rebuilding the trust.
(On August 1st, 2009 at 10:44 pm)
Hey Ron,
I am writing because I am concerned about my current relationship and the trust issues I am having. I have been with this man a little over a year, we are living together and are planning our wedding for 2010.I am a very lucky woman to have such a wonderful person in my life, we connect on so many levels it just seems unreal. We have had many long talks about making this relationship work ,no matter what, because this is what each of us want. Recently, I caught him up in a bit of a lie. (I'm sorry this is soo long) He told me he had to stay late after work to wait on his relief (which happens a lot, or he tells me it does) when he came home I could tell he was high, we spoke the subject of drugs and a little marijuana use doesn't bother me, I confronted him and he admitted that he went over to one of his friends (from work) house but his relief was late, he started making excuses why he didn't call me and I swear it killed me. I cannot grasp the reason why he would lie about such a thing. I wasn't mad or angry just let down, disappointed and I expressed this to him clearly.He apologized a hundred times over and it hurts him to know he hurt me so bad. Before I never worried about his actions or if he was telling the truth.Now it is difficult for me to believe anything he tells me. I mean, wow, am I just simply overreacting to this? Because writing it makes it seem so petty, he is a great man and I know he loves me, I don't want to lose him and I don't want to be the cause of such a beautiful thing to fail. I appreciate any advise..thank you..
(On August 5th, 2009 at 5:23 am)
Hi JB:
In my experience, people lie when they have something to hide and men lie a lot. Just be careful and know what you are getting yourself in to.
Rachel
(On August 13th, 2009 at 8:51 pm)
hey, me and a guy i was dating for a while broke up because he had to go to camp shelby for 6 months, we agreed to pick up where we left off when he left, i promised i would wait, we write each other all the time, and he calls at least once every two weeks, he doeant get calls much, but he's up there with a bunch of guys, he has no temptations, im here at home with alot of them, well i kissed another guy, i mean we arnt together, but i felt like i should tell him everything, i dont have a problem being completely honest with him, i cant keep stuff from him. but i wrote him and told him, but before he got it i got a letter from him saying he doesnt know if he can do this anymore and that he's confused and has doubts and mixed feelings but he loves me, i dont exactly get that, but then i got another letter and it was like he never said any of that, i dont know. well he called me today and only had about 3 minutes to talk but he wasnt talkin much, i asked whats wrong, and he said i shouldnt have to ask, i told him i was assuming he got my letter, he said yea, but he didnt want to discuss any of it with me, he said he wrote me back to it and i'll have to wait til i get the letters. im scared im going to lose him, and that i;ve already lost his trust. i mean there are lots of worse things i could have done besides kiss another guy, but i mean i get that he's mad, but i told him he's got to remember that we arnt together, i mean the kiss was meaningless, i guess i was just feeling kinda lonely, but i did it once and swore and promised him i wouldnt do it again,
whats your perspective on this?
(On August 14th, 2009 at 4:22 am)
If this kiss was so meaningless, why did you do it and jeopardize a good thing? This was not only foolish, but selfish of you. You are merely breeding distrust with your actions. In the future, I would suggest sticking to your agreements.
(On August 18th, 2009 at 8:25 pm)
Thanks for reading. I am in a relationship with a women who is 30, much younger (18yrs) than me. We have known each other for a year but have been dating for 8 months. She is currently abroad for a few months working. She recently took a 3 day trip to another country with a male friend she had met in our country through a friend of hers. He assited in paying for the airfare, she returned the favor by taking him out to dinner the first night. Following dinner and clubbin and many drinks, they returned to the hotel they were sharing. They were sleeping in seperate beds but upon returning she states he was agressive with her. He also stated he was hitting on her while they were out. We had been in contact during the first two months of her trip and no issues arose as we talked every other day. On this occassion, I did not hear from her for five days and felt something was up. upon her return to the country she is working in, I finally called. She stated she wants to come back home as her neice got her which led to her telling me she cheated on me. She states he started kissing and they did some fondling which led to him penertrating her with his fingers but she stopped at that point and no sex occured. She knew she was wrong and cried but stayed and finsished the trip. He reasoning for this transgression is during dinner he shared that she should move to his country and find a job. She has always wanted to live abroad and work for a few years so at that point of dinner she knew she is not fulfilling her dream. Some of her friends are and she is jealous. She also said the age gap issue came into her head and it was nice to be out with a man more her age, this is in her view more normal and she thought what the heck. So her justification and reasoning for this mistake is 1) she wants to travel and thinks she is not chasing her dream (she has one more year on her visa, 2) the age thing is difficult because her friend tell her she can do better and find some one more her age. After her numerous apologies to me saying she was wrong, she choose to get on a plane in 24 hours and leave because she felt she had to be with me and talk about what she. During that period, we exchnaged emails of the pain this has caused and she shared she needs to reconcile the age issue and will forgo her desire and dream to work aborad, the visa expires in a year. She said she loves me and wants to be with me, hopes I forgive her. My challenge is do I let her go or do I try to work on this. I feel gulity that she will squash her dream for me. I am the one who told her and pushed her to work aborad and experience life. I also shared with her that something can happen becuse she is in a new place with new people. She returns today and I am at a lost of what to do. I am not angry but I am deeply hurt yet still love her. I really really feel a desire to get the details of the incident, I want to know or I will always be wondering what happen but not sure how I will react. I am hoping I got the whole story about what she did–she has never lied before. I do not agree that her wanting live aborad and the age gap as good reasons to cheat. When she returns today, she will stay at my house as we need to talk this through. Not sure where to go with this or what to do. Any assitance would be greatly appreciated. Of conern are three issues, getting or not getting the details of the incident, the idea that her reasons justify the transgression, should we stay together or end the relationship so that she can pursue her dream and because of the age gap.
(On August 19th, 2009 at 4:38 am)
Hi Bill:
18 years is a huge age gap. Do you really have a lot in comon with this woman or is your love mainly due to hormones? This is an important question to answer since this often is one key determination of longevity in a relationship. Hormones can cloud a lot of the really important issues. Get counseling, perhaps something like a premarital counseling many churches offer. They will ask pertinent questions you may not have thought of and you will find out about each other's differences to see whether or not you are well matched.
It also appears to me that your girlfriend has a bit of an adventuours streak in her. That is a part of her personality and will not change over time. That is something you would have to live with. Do you share that trait? If not, you would have to live with other occasions where she will want to do something adventurous, maybe a bit dangerous. If you are not of that same ilk, I can see where that would create conflict. One could argue that cheating, affairs and illicit behavior could all be a part of adventure, excitement,even a little danger. Also, you say that your girlfriend has doubts about the age difference. If she has doubts now only after 8 months, what will she think after 10 years when you are nearing 60 and she is only 40? If it were me in your position, I would seriously reconsider this relationship.
(On August 19th, 2009 at 10:59 am)
Hi Ron,
Got an issue , if you could drop in a suggestion. I have broken the trust of a close one a close friend.For namesake its friendship , but i love her and its not the other way round. She was into a relationship but had broken up & was looking for my shoulders to support her emotionally.Once she used my laptop to check her emails and she forgot to signout. Next day when i used my laptop , it automatically signed into her email. For me it was like her life open infront of me. What i did was , typed her boyfriend's(ex) name to search & look for conversations and so on in her email. And i came accross some really personal pictures of her & her ex. She had a picture of both of them sharing a kiss. I just couldnt take it & switched off my laptop. I was out of sorts for 2 days. Seeing me in that state she asked me what's wrong & i confessed what i had seen & explored her emails. She went berseck after that. She was fuming and our friendship has gone for a toss. She used to trust me like any thing & now she terms me as a ditcher, a person whom one cannot rely. Previously before all this had happened we were very very close to each other. As close as one can get. But now everything is gone. Previously in a day atleast we used to spend a good 10hours with each other , now she ignores me. If i am low she comes & consoles else ignores. She has said , she will never be able to forgive me, nor forget what i have done by peeking into her private life & neither will she ever trust me. This all happened when i was planning to propose her , i still love her but things have gone badly haywire between us. Small small things like text messaging wishing gud nite , wishing gud morning everything has been stopped by her. Replies of text messages comes in one liners. Doesnt chat with me properly. She gets angry when she sees me. All this happened when she was just fresh into a break up & she says her boyfriend has broken her trust and now me. She moves around with everyone except me. Previously we used to talk out the world , now we have to think and speak. Ron please help me. How do i mend this relationship. How do i get my best friend back. I really want to marry her. How do i go about things. She says she will never ever forgive or forget what i have done to her. How do i talk her out of this or what i do ??
Please help me. PLease
Abhishek
(On August 19th, 2009 at 11:53 am)
Hi Ron,
I've read some of your letters and responses. Some seem close to my situation, and have helped a bit already, but here goes.
I am married to my childhood sweetheart. We have lived together 15+ years and have been married for 3 of those. We have such a strong bond and talk very openly about everything. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but it’s great and we both love it, normally (I think). He’s the leader in entertainment, music, in-house fun if you like, and I am the social one – I have independent friends. His friends are all shared with me and we hang out in each other’s houses, but he doesn’t really go out with me and my friends because he doesn’t like going out for drinks. That stuff may not be directly relevant but I’ll leave it there. About 10 years ago he had a fling with a work colleague while away on a trip, confessed and apologised as soon as he came home and we went through some seriously bad times getting through it. But we did, and it was long since forgiven.
But a few weeks ago he told me he had a crush on a girl he has become friends with through work. I reacted OK at first, was glad he came to me because he was worried about trusting himself. That's the right thing to do, I guess. But then had to admit I was not OK with it. I was terrified by it and knew I shouldn't be because he came and told me – so he had no ill intentions and didn't want to screw up our marriage.
About a week after that he told me something which indicated that he had withheld information back from me (I also snooped which I am not proud of) about the nature of their relationship. eg he had met her for coffee one particular day which he told me he was going to do – but he neglected to say it was to give her a birthday present he bought for her. He was also sending sms to her while we were on holiday a few days after that, and went out for a long lunch with her instead of working when we got home. Each thing to some degree hidden/omitted from me.
When I fronted him he apologised, showed me all the texts, told me the truth and excused his withheld info by saying he didn't want me to get all insecure and feel bad, that there is nothing to worry about and they are just friends – there is no crush anymore, and all is fine. He was just worried about getting crushes in general, and wanted me to help him or tell him it is normal (and I did that at the time – emphasising that it’s what you do or don’t do about it that is important). But I explained that the withheld info was the worst part – a betrayal of trust, and he understood – I think.
Two weeks or so had passed when I couldn't reconcile all this stuff, and I told him that I can't handle his relationship with her and asked him (kinda demanded in a bit of a blazing row) that he back off from contacting her late at night on web, and not meet her outside the workplace alone – that those were the parameters of his relationship with her that I felt uncomfortable with. I was and still am trying to accept that it’s ok for him to have a female friend (although it’s a new thing, why shouldn’t it be ok, and why should it threaten me?) Because of the crush.
Well, now things are just awful. He is angry with me for putting him through all this argument and analysis – for being obsessed with it. He clearly feels bad, but he is withdrawing from talking about it now because it’s so hard and such a strain. He can't see why I don't just move on and get over it. He says (and I believe him) that nothing happened or is going to happen, so there's no reason to change his relationship (and besides, I should not have to demand such things of him because he hasn't done anything wrong – all he did was be honest about the crush because he thought we could handle it and deal with it). He also reckons that I’m telling him to ditch her completely – because if he doesn’t meet her outside of work, then they can’t be friends anymore (they are both changing workplace in the next few weeks – a stressful time anyway as he has a big very important work event coming up).
I cannot handle his relationship with her – should I be able to? Every evening when he’s using his mobile phone or the internet I’m convinced he’s talking to her…maybe less so since we’ve talked and he has reassured me, but it still sparks intense anxiety in me, and I’m desperately trying not to succumb to it. I know he chatted to her in the evenings a good bit before he told me about the crush, because sometimes he told me what they were chatting about and about her love life etc. we were ok talking about it then. But I will admit I already had minor suspicions, but didn’t bring it up because it was just me being silly (so I thought). Yesterday he asked me would it be ok if he met her for coffee – and I couldn’t agree to it, got upset and we rowed again. In the end he didn’t meet her – as a concession to me, but he has barely spoken to me since. If he continues to agree to back off I know I’ll find it hard, but I will believe him that he is doing it (without snooping) and I’ll work as hard as it takes to rebuild things and get around it. But at the minute he doesn’t even want to talk about it and doesn’t agree that backing off is something he should have to do.
I’ve been for counselling assessment (he didn’t come, but said at the time he was willing but thought it was a bit of an overreaction I was having and he didn’t feel the need) – I had been for counselling after the affair, so knew it would help. But we are on a waiting list, and will find it difficult to pay. But he is NOT keen on counselling – he’s afraid of what it will unearth in him (like many people who feel they have issues?). He also sees it as a sign that we have failed to sort this out ourselves. I need some help. I am trying to be patient and not lose the rag, but it’s hard. He’s finding it hard too and we are tearing each other up. We are both re-living what happened all those years ago, but nothing actually happened – isn’t it daft in a way? It’s upsetting because we are usually pretty damn good together (he’s not very affectionate or sensitive, and I’m a bit lazy, but we support and love each other loads and talk about problems and difficulties we are each having, we also have good times, laughing together and enjoy each others company – mostly our marriage has been great).
Please tell me if you think I do just need to get over this. I can work with that if I have to. The marriage means too much to me to get this wrong.
Apologies for the length, thanks so much,
K
(On August 19th, 2009 at 12:06 pm)
Abhishek:
You admit that you love this girl, but she has only feelings of friendship towards you. Already then you are not on equal footing and a marriage proposal, even if the email thing never happened and you were still on good terms, would be rejected. My question is, why would you want to put yourself through that?
Regarding winning her trust back, the only way I know of is through time, clear and utter transparency and of course plenty of mia culpas. This supposes that she will allow you to still associate with her.
(On August 19th, 2009 at 12:13 pm)
hello rachel ,
thanks a lot for replying. we were really close friends , she even knew about my feelings for her. now that the trust is gone i want to win it back first before trying anything else.if this had not happened i feel she wud have accepted me.i really dont want to give up without trying.She said , when she knew she would have walked away , but she didnt , because when i confessed to her i broke down badly and she could not go. she is just physically here with me. How to go about it ? How do i give that time and space ? this is the only hiccup i had with her , else she also know i am very transparent in nature , else i wouldnt have voluntarily turned up and confessed what i had seen.
Help me Rachel.
(On August 19th, 2009 at 12:30 pm)
Abhishek:
Some people just need time to sort their feelings out. Give it time and keep offering her your "friendship", however, don't pressure her. Feeling must happen freely and in their own time.
(On August 19th, 2009 at 12:33 pm)
i am always there for her. just need to learn to be a little patient i think. coz i keep losing my patience every now and then. i hope things work out. thanks for your time and views . do pray for me . i really love her.
take care and thanks
(On August 19th, 2009 at 6:06 pm)
Hi Kathryn:
Ron doesn't seem to respond to these writings too often, so I have taken upon myself to do so. I am not a psychologist, but I have been on the receiving end of infidelities (you can read my story #42), have learned a little and want to help. I know how confusing and painful this situation can be.
I thought it was interesting that you mentioned that you had long "forgiven" your husband's affair. Yes, one can forgive a lot of things, but one never forgets. That is why this little crush he admitted to is worrysome to you. The past tends to repeat itself. Let's face it, a woman's greatest need is to be desired and when that need is threatened,it is totally natural to feel insecure. I would bet that if the shoe was on the other foot and you admitted to a crush, your husband would feel a bit insecure as well. I would say that you have every right to request that your husband not see this lady outside of work, since this would only add fuel to the fire and your husband should want to do everything in his power to be totally and completely open with you in every way, totally transparent. If he insists upon keeping this "friendship", then you could even ask to make her a friend of the family if you feel comfortable with that. However, it would still be best if the relationship was severed. He may say that there is nothing to worry about, but it is always best to not put yourself in the occasion of sin, so to speak. Afterall, you have been together for a rather long time and it is natural for any marital relationship to become stale and routine after so many years. Although a man can be perfectly happy at home, the excitement of a new sexual experience can be just too tempting and under the right or actually "wrong" conditions it may lead to something more. You must make him understand that he is treading on thin ice and that this could threaten the fabric of your marriage. Once a sacred trust is broken, it is very difficult and sometimes impossible to bring back. Love and trust are very closely connected. In order to have a healthy love relationship, trust must be present or else it will eventually fail as it did in my case.
I hope I have cleared away some trees from your forest. Good luck…
(On August 20th, 2009 at 9:29 am)
Hi Rachel,
I really appreciate your quick response. It's worrysome and yet reassuring that you agree with me about this. I really must make him see that this is not OK. We talked a lot last night and things between us are better. I tried to emphasise that even if we don't see eye to eye on this particular issue, we ought to be able to talk about other things and to stay on friendly good terms with each other, in order to come to an eventual understanding about the situation and each other's point of view.
I am taking the softly, softly, catchy monkey approach. Hopefully he'll see that a constant level of continued upset in me over the friendship is not worth it. but who knows. I'll be hanging in here doing my best to make him see the light.
Thanks for your help,
K
(On August 20th, 2009 at 10:39 am)
Hi Kathryn:
By taking this soft approach with your husband you are keeping the lines of communication open, which is vital. Now, however, your female intuitive senses are hightened. You will take note of every move he makes or steps he doesn't take. You may overanalyse and you may even acuse him of things he did not do. It all goes along with being distrusting, a horable position in which to be placed, but you seem to be very level headed and you seem to be handling it well.
Life is full of choices. You may make the choice to trust your husband in order to keep your marriage in tact and to keep the peace. I hope he continues to make the choices that would allow him to remain worthy of your trust. I wish you the best.
(On August 22nd, 2009 at 9:23 pm)
Rachel,
This is Bill, thanks for the response of 19th Aug, 4:28am. Here are my follow-up thoughts and addt'l info. Your correct, it is a huge age gap. And yes we have a lot in common, that is why we both think it can work. Hormones are not the issue, we both have a great physical and mental relationship. My adventurous streak is what endeared her to me so we share that us to each other. Fast forward since I wrote the note, she felt the incident was important enough to get on a plane in 24hrs and return home to stay as she had to talk to me and resolve the issue. She shared she made a mistake and shed many tears over the few days following the incident then realized she had to come home and talk to me. Since her arrival, we painfully talked through the incident, I felt it best to set her free and told her she should go home as the relationship is over. She choose to fight to stay and let me know whe really wanted it to work it out and understood by my actions that what I did was real love. She shared that my actions were true love as I met her at the airport, gave her flowers, and told her I still loved her. In addition I felt in my heart and told her I forgive her after she said the transgression was more than just a physical thing. She shared she was frustrated as she could only spend 3 months abroad vice live abroad for a few years, her long term desire. So now here we are, we have had 5 days of talking, and we both see life differently. We have both admitted the word commitment was tough but we won't fight it. We also have agreed that we think our relationship, despite societal norms can work. What are your thoughts? Is this for real? Can it work?
(On August 23rd, 2009 at 8:46 am)
Dear Bill:
It appears that you both have done a lot of talking and soul searching and have already come to some agreements. I still think that there is a huge generational gap that will eventually lead to problems, if it hasn't already, but I suppose if you both really want to try to make it work between you, give it some time. I would define a time frame, say 6 months, at which time you would sit down together and talk about it again. Good luck to you.
(On August 24th, 2009 at 10:58 am)
Hi Rachel,
You are so kind and generous to respond to my response, thanks. You are also on the button about my female senses being on overdrive. It's very reassuring to read that, because just today I was going out of my mind about something that was most likely (almost positively) nothing.
I am quite level headed, if I do say so myself (!! thanks for the compliment), but I am also very poor at confrontation. For me it still feels like there's lots to talk about, but for him it must be horrible as you say to be 'accused' of anything – especially things that are clearly making me feel bad. That's how he feels every time we talk and he will inevitably say that all this wouldn't be a problem if I trusted him, and that's that.
The problem is how to re-build the trust. If he insists on still meeting her outside of work to keep up the friendship I don't think I can re-build the trust…not that I won't try, but it feels too difficult – as you say, it's fueling my insecurities. But for now he has backed off considerably as far as I can tell, which is very reassuring. Thing is, he doesn't feel comfortable talking about her – no sh12 Sherlock – of course that's because of my bad reactions over the weeks. But the complete lack of chat about her only serves to fuel my notions that he is keeping things from me. How twisted.
I need to get us to a place where he feels he can chat about her, if we are ever going to 'handle' the friendship (with outside work meetings or not). Part of me thinks this is all very one-sided too. He says he's making an effort and now I have to as well, which sounds fair. But I feel like every day and every hour I am making an effort not to be obsessive about it and not to go into competitive overdrive…he doesn't seem to see how much hard work that is and how draining it is. I've lost 10 lbs in 5 wks, but he hasn't said anything about that either – which bugs me because he often asks me has he lost weight!!
I'm not sure about her becoming a family friend after all this. I think I would need to be in a much better place for that to have the desired effect. I have thought about it, and he has offered that I meet her – but I don't want to be the third spoke – the thought of it makes me feel like an intruder in my own life, somehow.
It's never nice to hear that perhaps he will not reward my trusting efforts with worthiness, but I appreciate that I need to hear the worst case scenario, and I may need to deal with that someday. Let's hope not.
Anyway – thanks again for your efforts to help – it's a lonely place and you've helped me feel that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy. I'm just a female having natural female reactions to a tricky male!!
best wishes,
K
(On August 24th, 2009 at 12:00 pm)
Hi Kathryn:
Your husband seems to be blaming you for not trusting him. There is something a bit confusing to me about that. You don't trust him because he has cheated on you in the past and now he is positioning himself to possibly let it happen again, is that not so? The way I see it, he should be blaming himself for putting YOU in this position. He should be wanting to be totally and utterly transparent with you in everything to help bring the trust back. I know that this may feel wrong to you, but meeting her may not be the worst idea. You could doll yourself up, bring lots of family photos and make her see that you are a unit. She may get the hint that she is the intruder and back away once she has a face to associate with other than your husband's, that is if she has a conscience. Also, one is always afraid of the unknown. If you face your fears, in this case it would be this woman, you might actually feel empowered. Think about it…
Be that as it may, to keep your sanity, try to live life as normally as possible. What your husband does is really not in your control and as far as you know, he hasn't done anything yet. If you can, put this out of your mind and try not to worry about something that may never happen. Don't worry about something you have no control over. If, God forbid, something does happen and you should find out, there will be plenty of time to loose sleep and worry and fret. This, I know, is easier said than done, but it is for the best. I feel your anguish and your pain.
(On August 25th, 2009 at 10:34 am)
Hey Rachael,
I am having a problem with my girlfriend of 2.5 half years. As college students, she studied abroad last semester. I had her email and facebook passwords but I didn't go out of my way to snoop. One day back in May I went into her email account to delete one I had sent her and while I was there I clicked around (though I admit this was really wrong of me) and I found an email she sent to a friend with pictures of a guy she met during her last week in Paris. In the email she stated that she kissed him, but specifically mentioned that I couldn't be told about this. I confronted her on this issue and she finally admitted that this kiss was cheating and that it was a single indiscretion that would not happen again. She changed her passwords and we both moved on.
Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago. When I was visiting her at the summer camp she was working at, I was listening to her ipod. We don't like similar music so I ran out of songs that I liked quickly and started to browse through the other stuff. When I looked at the photos, I found the same pictures of the guy and her, plus more of just him. When I confronted her about it, she said that she had told the girls she worked with about our issue and they wanted to see what he looked like. I accepted that answer: girls will be girls. I moved on.
Last night I was in her dorm room about to leave when I noticed her facebook was left open. Suspicious now of this guy, I clicked her inbox (I admit I'm wrong but at least I'm partially justified to be suspicious at this point). Sure enough, the top email was continuous messages between the two of them. There were 68 total, going from the end of May, right after she changed her password, until mid-August. I had finally had it today and broke things off. She didn't take it so well and I really don't want things to end either. Is there anyway you can think of to help me gain back the trust of my girlfriend?
Thanks,
Mike
(On August 25th, 2009 at 11:38 am)
Hi Mike:
Whose trust are you trying to rebuild, yours or your girlfriend's? It appears to me that you are the one who is distrusting and from your description of the events, I can't blame you. Your girlfriend seems to be playing games and has been less than honest with you, allowing suspicions to grow. It may be that she is not ready for a longer term monogomous relationship. Two and a half years is a long time for your age. Perhaps, if you both still want to continue, the terms of the relationship agreement should be altered such that both of you would have more freedom. Sometimes even separating is a good thing using the "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" premise. If it is meant to be, it will happen in it own time. Just realize one thing now…Your trust has been broken. She will have to work VERY hard to repair it, by being totally honest and open with you at all times about everything, even to the point of allowing you to view her facebook and emails etc. Is she up for this task? If yes, then in time your wound will heal and you will learn to trust again. If not, I fear that it will be a downward spiral from now on.
I hope I am not being too blunt, but I call it the way I see it. If you are someone like me, someone who doesn't want to stick your head in the sand, but instead hear the naked truth, then you will appreciate the frankness of my answer. Good luck to you…
(On August 26th, 2009 at 5:46 am)
Hi Rachel,
Thanks for the response. I am clearly the one who has lost trust in my girlfriend, but since we have been together for so long, I am having trouble ending it without first giving her a chance to redeem herself. As such, I gave her two conditions that she would need to accept to stay together. The first one was to come clean about everything. If I found out about anything else later it would mean the end of the relationship, so this was her once chance to come clean about everything. She accepted this. Secondly, I told her I wanted to see her facebook and emails to prove that I could in fact trust her. This she actually refused for two reasons. One is that she claims that viewing these messages that I saw will only make me mad and cause the relationship to end anyway. The second reason is that she claims that she wants to respect everyone's privacy, including the other guy involved. Not that I have any reason to defend my girlfriend, but this guy is someone that she is never going to see again in person, meaning that he is not really a threat to our relationship. This does not in any way make what my girlfriend did right or less wrong, but it does change the effect of what I found as I don't need to be suspicious of them starting to date behind my back.
This morning I essentially gave my girlfriend an ultimatum: I told her to give me her passwords or do something else that shows that she is trying to build my trust again. Otherwise, the relationship is over. Am I being too harsh in saying that? I feel that she did something wrong and should therefore have to pay a price for it, even if it makes her uncomfortable in the process.
In regards to your email, I am not the type of person that likes to go out and hook up with many girls at once; I like having a strong connection with one person. So the more freedom thing would not benefit me. In addition, the temporary break thing doesn't really work for my situation. Sure, when people get sick of each other, a break can show that they are actually lost without each other. But a break does not help reestablish lost trust, which is what needs to be done to save my relationship.
Do you have any other suggestions on how she can earn my trust back? As much as I am really upset with her, I love her enough to try to save this until all hope is lost.
Thanks,
Mike
(On August 30th, 2009 at 4:27 pm)
Hi Mike:
No, I don't think you were being too harsh by giving your girlfriend an ultimatum if you mean to follow through with it. However, be careful about saying something that you don't mean, you may become a paper tiger. Dr. Phil is right when he sais that "we teach people how to treat us". Everyone has boundaries and they should be made clear early on in the relationship. That way each partner knows what will and will not be accepted by the other.
I understand that you love this girl and that you want to give her another chance, but giving her another chance means that you need to make the choice to trust and she needs to make a concerted effort to be as open as humanly possible to allow trust to happen. This may take time. Relationships are sometimes hard work. Again, is your girlfriend up for this task?
Also, understanding is the key here. Try not to punish your girlfriend. This will merely lead to resentment. You cannot force these issues and you cannot congtrol your girlfriend. All you can do is to be understanding and patient. If she really wants things to work between the two of you she will do what it takes to keep you. Unbrideled openness and time is the only way I know to achieve the rebuilding of trust.
(On September 1st, 2009 at 12:07 pm)
My situation is unusual and please excuse the very lengthy post here. It just takes awhile to explain, and it is essential that I make it clear why I am feeling the way I am feeling, so that a proper answer may be given.
First off, I was married for twenty years. The last seven years were miserable. During the marriage my husband had a few affairs, during the last seven years he became an incredible functioning alcoholic. That is he would go to work every single day, but would begin drinking the moment he walked in the door at home (sometimes even before he got home) and would have slurred speech within 30 minutes to an hour after getting home. Suffice it to say that we couldn't even have a conversation about bills. It was very bad.
It got to the point that we only had sex once during an 18 month period and the final development for me was his no show to our 20th wedding anniversary.
We lived on the East coast, but I met a then married man living on the West coast during that turbulent time. We first were epals and friends only, but over time that changed. It turned into a long term (3 years) affair. I wanted to leave my husband but being in a low paying job with kids, and having no family or friend support, prevented that.
My boyfriend had (and still has) a fabulous job but I also refused to move my children 2,000 miles away. His marriage was also in shambles for different reasons and again, in order for this to be clear, I should explain.
He didn't marry until he was in his thirties. The reason he married was that he was ready to settle down and have children. Prior to the marriage, he made it clear to her that this was essential. She agreed. Soon after however, she decided to have her tubes tied without even discussing it with him. He remained with her however for years after, but resentment builds and she was married to her job more than him. He felt betrayed and lonely, and that was my understanding of their marriage.
So after we had been together for a few years, he moved out and filed for divorce. I still however refused to move that far away. He put in for a transfer to an area that was much closer and then I agreed to move in with him, with kids in tow.
Worth mentioning, I too have my tubes tied but it is a medical necessity and I told him about this on day one. He was willing to accept it. The two I have nearly killed me both times, and the doctors said that there was no way I'd survive a third.
I left my husband and am now married to my then boyfriend. We have been together for slightly over two years now. Lately though, things have been… a little worrisome.
Naturally, when we were first together he couldn't have enough of me. Now it's been several months with sex only once. I also have gained a bit of weight due to a new medical condition that puts a number of limitations on what I can do physically. I am a LPN and the years of back breaking work has taken a toll on my back and neck. I'm not even able to work right now.
Things we did before we moved in together were IM, phone calls, texting, etc. I'm fully aware the problems that couples like us face, “If (s)he cheated on the first spouse, (s)he'll cheat on the next spouse,” type thing. The thing is our situations were – I felt – different than most affairs. It wasn't based on boredom, or middle aged crises or anything like that. It was based on genuine abandonment by each of our spouses.
That's how I felt then and I still do, mostly. Yet lately I've been worried. He plays this game online along with my son, and even more shockingly, my ex-husband who happens to like him which sounds very weird. Surprisingly, my ex and my current husband have become friends and they get along great. This was a total surprise to everyone involved.
In any case, one day I heard him on the game talking to a woman and he was flirting. When I mentioned it later he sounded genuinely surprised that it sounded like flirting. He apologized saying that was never his intention. The other day, I went up behind him while he was on the game to give him a kiss on the back of the head. He was on the game IM and I read a small portion of it while I was kissing him. He immediately closed it out. This was reminiscent of our IMs in our previous marriage. It seemed fairly innocent, saying something about “tell her she's my favorite friend” or something along those lines, but when we met he was rather flirtatious online, even if only in fun.
Finally, he has stopped spending time with me and is on the game all the time. I have trouble getting him to go out any more.
I sat him down and talked to him about it. I said how I am not sure if the lack of sexual interest is because of my weight gain or something else, that I am worried because of the online women on the game and his flirtatious nature as well as the time spent on the game and so forth.
Also, my psyche goes into overdrive when I worry and I begin dreaming about the bad stuff. Just last night I dreamed that he was having an affair and preferred the other woman over me.
Now finally, I am to my question. Am I being paranoid? Is there a way I can reassure myself if I am? Or should I be worried?
I DO have a history of feeling unloved when probably I should have felt loved. I say probably because I'm really not sure. I mean, husband one did cheat and drink and was verbally abusive. Early in the marriage though he was none of those and still I felt unloved.
So what should I be feeling? How can I make myself feel better about all of it if I shouldn't be feeling this way? Should I communicate all of these fears to my husband? If so, how do I NOT make it sound like I'm an overly sensitive nagging wife?
I did bring it up the other day and told him that his reassurances may not be enough. I explained why too, we have a history of our own infidelities with each other and he did say he understood and said it was a problem trust wise.
When we first moved in, it was him who was having the dreams that I was cheating and leaving him for another man, now it's the other way around.
How can we get past this? Please don't give opinions on what I did was wrong because that's in the past and besides, if I had to do it all over again, I still would.
Thanks to anyone who can give me guidance.
(On September 5th, 2009 at 2:50 pm)
Hello,
My name is Hillary. I have been in a relationship with mu boyfriend for 8 years now. For the past two years he has neglected me for porn. I don't feel like he's attracted to me or in love with me anymore. We have 2 kids together. I have talked to him. Not argue but talked to him. He turns to the computer more then he touches me. And I feel as though he has cheating on my with a machine. I finally couldn't take anymore. So i ended it. Which kills me because I love him so much. But he's still going to porn. I don't know what to do. I really need some advice. Please write back asap.
sincerely,
hillary
(On September 5th, 2009 at 3:08 pm)
Hi Hillary:
It sounds as though your boyfriend has an addiction problem to porn. Try an AA meeting to find out about addictions and what, if anything, you can do. Love, unfortunately, doesn't not concquer all. You must be strong now for your children's sake. They need to come first in your life. Good Luck…
(On September 7th, 2009 at 4:18 am)
Hi,
I cheated on my girlfren(just kiss) cuz things were not peaceful.we were on verge of a break up.I thot i wud b happier with the other girl.but i got back with my girl fren.i kept in touch with this other girl cuz i felt guilty on that end, but she ended telling my girl friend.my girl fren reacted very very very badly and humiliated me in front of my close frens and hers to a very very bad extent,even physically.i took it al and got things back.both of us really love each other.for her trust is the most important thing..now things are going great.we have those odd fights here and there.she cares for me a lot.we are living in separate cities,but talk several times during the day and for hrs at night.we wake up together and go to sleep together on phone.its al great.but when i think of what she did i get a surge of anger,due to this my ego is hurt and ego comes into the issue during arguments.she has changed a lot and is very committed.trust her completely and love her more than anything.but i am hurt by wht she did.she regrets it totally.we both agreed to not bring up the past and both have stuck to it.it is al fine but my ego comes in the way while dealing with situations now.what do i do to get over it?
(On September 10th, 2009 at 1:23 pm)
Hello,
My story is much like those that I have read and my heart goes to all of you who have felt the pain related to a loved ones betrayal.
I want to believe that insticts come over mind and heart sometimes and in my case that is very true. Two weeks ago I felt that things were off between my boyfriend and I. We have been seeing each other for about a year or so now and I have been deeply in love with him for most of that time and vise versa (or that is what was expressed to me).
As I mentioned I felt things were off. We spend majority of our time together so it was easy to notice the disconection. Last tuesday morning I woke up and had the urge to go through his phone. I checked the text messages and nothing out of the oridinary there. Then I went into his email acount and started to look through the sent and inbox and again nothing was out of the ordinary. Something told me to look in the trash bin and I saw an email from my boyfriend to a girl that works at the company he was doing some consulting for at the time stating how he waned to explicity have sexual relations with her and she expressed her desire aswell. IT BROKE MY HEART!
I woke him up trying to stay calm but semi-lost it. He had been on the project for only 3 weeks and 2 of those three weeks he admited that they got a little to verbally friendly. He was very remorseful about what was said and for his behavior. He told me that nothing else happend, just emails. He never saw her outside of the office etc. He told me that he was not sure why he let it get to the point where it did and that he wasn't really attracted to her.
We talked about what had happend, He was very apologic and wants to do anything and everything to make it up to me, he stated that he wants to be with me and only me, that he has finally realized that he wants me in his life and he wants a life with me.
It has been a week and I am still very very very hurt. I catch myself reciting what was exchanged between them and instantly feel a sharp pain in my heart. I picture his face talking to her, I picture him writting those things and it completely tears me apart. I would say I think about those emails and recite what was said about a few dozen times a day. I feel like it's breaking my spirit.
I love him so very much. We are working things out one day at a time but I am so scared.
I am tempted on emailing her to get her side of the story but I am not sure if that would be wise.
I feel very unattractive. I feel that he got bored of me and looked for some gratification else where. I am a very lovy touchy person and cannot understand why I wasn't ENOUGH!
I am willing to work things out with him but my mind is running me around in circles to the point where I cannot even look in the mirror anymore.
(On September 10th, 2009 at 4:56 pm)
Hello Little Lamb:
You feel duped and deceived, but you are not stupid. You made yourself vulnerable to another person, you made the choice to love and that is never a mistake. You gave a precious gift by giving your heart away and you expected your boyfriend to appreciate it and treat it with respect. Then you find out that he lied to you about this collegue of his and a million other thoughts run through your head. You may be thinking: "how often has he lied to me without my finding out?", or "can I ever trust him again?" or "if he lied to me about this, then what else has he lied to me about?". I've been there, done that and it ain't fun. – I have learned in my 53 years of life that men and women think very differently about sex and love. For a lot of men a sexual interlude does not have to include love or even a deep feeling of any kind. For them it is more like recreation. I don't think that all men are like that, but I think the majority are. For most women, not all, I think that at least a deep connection has to be there for there to be a desire for sex. Women, I think, also often feel more deeply than men do and hence we get hurt more and more deeply and easily.
I like to be frank with people and not beat around the bush. In your case, I think you would spare yourself a lot of heartache if you distanced yourself from your boyfriend. If he is already starting with this kind of behavior and you have only been together for a year, imagine what 2 or 3 years would bring? God forbid, you married him. How long do you think it would take until more heavy duty carousing would start? I know this hurts, it is like an open, gaping wound and you don't know who to talk to and what to do to make it stop, but this too shall pass. However, I too am a believer in second chances and if you want to give him a second chance I would definitely set boundaries and make him understand that this kind of thing may "never" happen again unless he is willing to risk your relationship. If you do this, make sure that you keep to your word or else you will become a paper tiger and he will know that you will always take him back regardless of what he does or how much he hurts you. We teach people how to treat us. Forgiveness is devine, but I would mark this event in my own mind as a huge red flag. Look out forself first, don't become lost in any man's life.
(On September 11th, 2009 at 12:01 am)
hi joe again..could somebody pls help me out
(On September 11th, 2009 at 6:32 am)
Racheal,
Thank you so much for taking the time and listening to my story. The heart is a complicated thing and sometimes I wish there was a manual. It has helped out alot expressing my feelings that I have not been able to address and sent him an email yesturday stating all of my thoughts, feelings and fears and I have realized that yes I cannot afford to get lost in his life for I will loose myself in the process. Only time will tell if our bond is strong enough to get passed this. I am so scared of going through this again. My wall is up and I let him know that he will have to chip away at it little by little. I will no longer put my heart in his hands. If he can show me that he will take care of it and treat it like the most precious thing on this earth than it will be his again. Its not over, I know there will be days that I don't think about it and then there will be some that will be consumed about it.
Thank you again Racheal for taking the time. When things like this happen it is very easy to feel completely alone and I am glad I found this forum. Reading other peoples situations has made me feel that I am not a totaly idiot and that there are people out there who are after #1.
Thanks again
(On September 11th, 2009 at 2:50 pm)
Little Lamb:
Notice, I didn't call you stupid and neither should you. Always think about yourelf in the positive, even when you feel otherwise. You want to attract only positive and for that you need to be positive.
I am glad that what I said made some sense to you. If I can help one person just a little, I will feel gratified. You seem to be on the right track and yes, writing your feelings down is cathartic. You might want to start keeping a journal just for yourself. No one needs to see it. It is one way of self healing. Good luck…
(On September 11th, 2009 at 3:08 pm)
Hi Joe:
People sometimes make mistakes. Mistakes are meant for us to learn from. You made a mistake by turning your attentions to someone else before your current relationship was over and your girlfriend, from what you say, really overreacted to this news. You both seem to be very regretful of what happened and hopefully have learned not to go there again. Have you talked to your girlfriend in length about how she made you feel when she went off that night in front of all of your friends? If not, before you can put this thing behind you, you should have a real heart to heart discussion about this where she also gets to tell you how you made her feel when you went with the other girl. An important part in this is the listening part. You must both really "listen" to one another and feel the pain of the other. When you both feel that you have discussed everything and there is nothing else to say about it, then make the decision to put it behind you as a lesson learned and boundaries set. Then you both must forgive each other and never do it again. If you stay together, there will be other problems and disagreements that you have to work on and get over, but don't let this be one of them. I wish you well and I hope that what I said helps you.
(On September 23rd, 2009 at 2:17 am)
hi rachel,
thnx but we sort of have spoken bout wht i did..but havent spoken bout wht she did and reacted..she agrees that wht she did was wrong..we have decided not to talk about it..and it is fine..not always but most of the time when we fight i am the one who makes the first effort to get things back..but aftr wht happened now i hesitate to..as in a stil do it but i feel taken for granted.i have brought this issue up to her few times during which i did not get the reassurance i needed.she was going thru her own tough phase at work..but it has happened more than once where i dont get the reassurance i need and i feel it more about as i can stil remember the humiliation i felt with her reaction to wht i did(kissing another girl when i thot i had broken up and we were done).i want more control over my emotions.due to these weird feelings inside i have become more demanding/sensitive in the relationship than usual which is new to her and hence she is finding it strange and i get more sensitive as i am not gettin the reaactions i expect..hope u r getting wht i am saying.
(On September 23rd, 2009 at 5:36 am)
Hi Joe:
I think I'm getting what you are saying, but let me paraphrase. You say you've "sort of" spoken about what you did, but haven't spoken about what your girlfriend did and how it made you feel inside. When you fight you are the only one trying to make ammends and you feel it should be a two way street.When you talk to your girlfriend about that, she argues with you and makes excuses for her actions (a tough time at work)etc. Meanwhile, your feelings about the first incident are still not resolved and keep reapearing when you fight and are maybe getting more intense, which you are finding difficult to handle. Am I getting the story straight?
First, let me just say that I am impressed that you have what it takes to look within and try to figure out these emotions between the two of you. Most men simply let it go and eat things up inside until something terrible happens, either they become violent because they don't know where to go with their feelings for which they have no answers, or they try to self medicate with substances or other girls. I give you a lot of credit for trying to figure things from the inside out, which can be a tangled mess. Sometimes it is so messy that you need a guide and by writing on this blog you are reaching out. Let me just tell you that I can often see the broad picture in relationships pretty well, but i am not a trained psychologist. What i say may help a bit from time to time, just because I am an objective observer who doesn't have an emotional stake, but if your feelings get to a point where you really can't handle them, I would very much advise you go to someone who is equiped to sit down with you, face to face, get to the root of the problem and figure things out with you. The counselors are available to you, particularly through churches at low cost, just FYI.
Having said that let me tell you what i think about your situation judging from what you have said. I feel strongly that you really must bring home to your girlfriend what feelings she brings up in you when she goes off. Since you have not yet done that the same action keeps reoccuring, bringing up the same, maybe even more intense feelings in you. You are expecting different reactions from your girlfriend when she hasn't been made to understand that flying off the handle especially in front of others is totally unacceptable to you. I feel strongly that you both are not communicating adequately. Communication in a relationship is key, it is a learned thing which requires both parties not only to speak, but also to listen. Dr. Phil once wrote a great book to help people do just that. It is like a six week course you do together with your partner and if you follow the instructions carefully, it teaches you how to communicate effectively. You should be surprised what you can find out about each other, it's interactive and it's even kinda fun. I think the book is called "Relationship Rescue". I tried it once and it really seemed to work.
The other obstacle I see is that your girlfriend may have anger issues of her own. She may benefit from some counseling herself. Usually, when someone has anger issues, they don't know how to truly listen to others, they don't hear and therefore don't understand what is going on. They usually see only their own narrow point of view and go in to rages frequently where any chance of real communication shuts down. If you are dealing with this kind of person, it will be a hard nut to crack. Both of you will have to be really committed to the relationship and want to make it work. However, I think that if you do seek help for this and you go the extra mile you will both benefit from it for the rest of your lives.
(On September 23rd, 2009 at 9:35 am)
Dear Ron,
I could really use your advice. I met Eric about 4 years ago. We immediately hit it off. I actually our first "date" was golfing…i remember thinking that he was the had to be the one…shortly after my thought he turned to me and asked if we had met before this. We figured out that we definately did not…but it confirmed for us there was a very deep connection. We didn't date for a year. We became very close friends. During that year I dated a guy (Nate) for a about 1 1/2 months. It was nothing special. I found out later that Eric was devastated and extremely jealous that I had dated Nate. I about six months later Eric and I began dating, fully committing to each other at that time. The relationship was wonderful and became very serious very quickly. We spent quite a lot of time together. We shared special events, family and holidays with each other. We even had our own Christmas mornings together before spending time with our families (we went to our each of our families holiday get-togethers together). To sum it up..we were in separable. The relationship was wonderful. We found a dog and adopted him, we began talking about getting engaged, even talked of moving in together (but decided to wait until we were engaged-our families our catholic). Everything seemed great. We of course like every couple had our arguments and disagreements, but always were able to make it through.
Then last summer I played on a softball team. Nate (the guys i had dated before eric) was the manager. Eric didn't seem to indicate a problem. We talked about it and he said he had confidence in us and trust in me. I had missed the beginning of the season and didn't receive a schedule. I often times had problems contacting people on the team about events and game times. On 4 occasions I texted Nate to find out times. I was friendly in the text msgs. One day Eric accidently took my phone to work with him (we had the same phone). He had gone through my phone (this wasn't the first time). He was so upset to see the text msgs to Nate. A horrible argument began and we didnt talk for a week. We talked again and I explained that I never meant to cause any harm, that it was simply to get information. He said he was angry because I didn't think of him. He said he forgave me and it seemed that we went on with things.
We went on with our lives and things seemed ok. Then in December as we began to talk about engagement again he became very angry…by February he had ended the relationship saying that he was wrong that i wasn't the one for him. And that what happened with Nate had consequences on our relationship. And that there was no hope for us.
We didn't speak for 2 months and then he called out of the blue telling me he thought of me daily. We began to talk again. Saw each other occasionally and were intimate a couple times. He said we would see where things would go. Recently he told me that he was struggling with trust issues and that he didnt know if he could trust me again. Eric was cheated on several times by previous girlfriends.
Now he is distant from me. I am trying to give him his space to heal, but do not know what to do.
Do i have any hope for us? DO you have any advice?
Very truly yours,
Anne
(On September 23rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm)
Hi Anne:
It appears to me that Eric is projecting his trust issues from the past on to you today without you having done anything deserving of it. You need to impress upon him that all that happened between you and Nate was very innocent and that you are willing to be as open as you need to be about everything, including your emails, text messages, phone books and the like. You can offer him free access to it all for as long as it takes him to regain his trust in you. You would offer total transparency since you have absolutely have nothing to hide. He, however, should do the same for you. See if that works.
(On September 24th, 2009 at 3:13 am)
Dear Rachel,
You seem to understand situations very well.I am glad I came across this blog.This is a very nice thing you guys are doing to help people out.I will definitely improve the communication aspect and will let you know how it goes.I wish you the very best in your life.thanx
(On September 24th, 2009 at 5:28 am)
Hi Joe:
It is always gratifying to hear when what I have said made some sense and helps in the building of falling relationships and keeping Love alive. Please let me know how things turn out.
(On September 29th, 2009 at 3:33 am)
Hi rachel,
Will let you know how things pan out. Dont want to do it over phone. Problem is I had to move out of town for work just when the whole issue started out. So wrong time i guess. We keep planning trips. She was supposed to come over to my city but we have a small arguments before she leaves and it ends up getting cancelled. Plus it is really tough for us to meet up. I haven't met her in over 2 months now.I will talk to her in person. Should be meeting her in 2 weeks or so.Since I am from India, live-in relationship is not possible. So guess we sil have to stay in different towns for the next year or so. Recently she came over here and I had planned everything perfectly with a whole candle lit dinner on the beach,composed a song for her and she was very very happy. but we cant do that too often as well..costed me a bomb.
With all these fights and arguments we are having and the long distance part i am afraid she wil get used to being without me and distance wil start creeping in between us. Though we talk a lot on phone, it is not the same as being with each other.
(On September 29th, 2009 at 3:42 pm)
Hi Joe:
If it is meant to be, it will happen and absence can make the heart grow fonder and all that good stuff, however, I am a firm believer that when something is supposed to happen it happens with great ease. It appears to me that a lot of effort is put forth in your case…
(On September 29th, 2009 at 11:02 pm)
Hi rachel,
Things were great. But since a bad situation has arised, with me starting it, things are not so bad now. Some things happen with ease. Some do not. But if things dont happen with ease , just means you have to work a lil bit harder or change certain things. i only have doubts bout how certain things are in the our relationship. but i dont doubt the relatioship itself. Both of us committing lotsa mistakes, and most other couples wud've broken up. we're stil together so that means something. I have immense faith in our relationship and in God. Things wil work out. We jus have to improve the way we handle certain situations and thats for our own good anyways right. So i dont agree to the whole meant to be thing. At the start she was not sure bout it and kept saying that its not gonna happen. If i let it be, then i wudn have had the 2 most aweosme yrs of my life. sometimes you gotto go make things happen
(On October 4th, 2009 at 6:35 am)
Ron, I don't know how you became such an expert in this field, but, the advice you have given others was comforting in some way.
I am having my own issues right now. I love this girl who is ten years older than me. We have been living together for 3 years now and there has been a lot of ups and downs.
I moved from another country and encountered no jobs in my field and basically had to work min wage for the last few years. Not having money to support what we want to do has left us feeling very dull and uneventful.
Just recently as soon as yesterday she says to me that she is the party girl and that she needs to go out every weekend. I don't know why – she has four kids. I've told her I'm not much of a drinker, or into going out to bars. I am past that. My last girlfriend had me out every weekend drinking, and usually cheated on me with men every chance she could get. So, not good experiences for me. I wonder why the sudden change in her values.
I must say that our relationship hasn't been perfect and that is mainly because of her ex husband. The very first year we were together – this man would text her all day long and mainly at night while we were trying to make love. At first it was okay, but, then it was like messing with our relationship. I started to get angry that he felt that he had the right to message her so late in the evening, and that she felt like she had to respond or look at it while we were messing around in bed. It kind of hurts the ego, ya know.
This guy has now started volunteering at her place of work, and even took an unpaid position on top of that at that place of work. So, that's two jobs at her business.
He sends her wedding dress that she got married in over with the kids, on special anniversarys…. needless to say they've been divorced 3 years. He sends over special momentos from their relationship with the kids… he tells the kids really special things about her so that they come back and make her remember… he sends pictures of her holding the babies back with the kids…. he usually picks days that are more anniversary than not. He still tries to send her presents on special days. He comes over and HAS presents for her THAT i have to give her cos I answered the door….which I abruptly slammed. I do not like this guy. He lingers, serial texts, and causes us so many issues. One time he texted her and told her not to shop at walmart because gangs were going to kill one person that day…..and he cared about her. It turned out to be a rumor…. but now she gets to think about how much he cares about her. LOVELY ain't it.
I mean she is fine with it. She loves getting free things from anyone… she doesn't see the problem in it. Apparently I am just the crazy one.
I do have serious jealously issues. I want to know why she is choosing to be friends with strangers, how they met, where they met, I want to be fine with knowing she is going out with them. I don't want to be thinking she is meeting with someone to cheat.
I do alot of things that bug her… I am typically when it comes to a lot of guys…. sometimes i forget to turn the lights out, or pick my clothes up, but I am not particularly bad as when I am angry with her for not sharing important info with me…. I can say words that I don't mean… out of being scared as to why she never shared the info with me.
Anyway, I guess the whole purpose of my post is to just give you a little background.
We are so on the verge of a breakup. I need to build trust ASAP… it's hard when she wants to do very little talking… but she is receptive… I need to know how to be able to quit grilling her… but at the same time confident that she isn't going to her ex's house…. or calling her ex and talking shit… or you know going out to meet other people.. i'd like to have a normal relationship without all the emotional ups and downs.
(On October 4th, 2009 at 8:18 am)
Hi Betty:
I am afraid that Ron doesn't seem to respond very often. I've taken it upon myself to do so because I know how much the lack of trust in a relationship can hurt and turn your whole life upsidedown. I am not an expert by any means, however, I think I usually can look at the broad picture and figure things out pretty well. Besides, a third party can often do that because they are not emotionally involved. So, I am not Ron, I am Rachel and here is what I think.
It appears to me that your girlfriend's X also has a jealous and insecure nature and is not willing to let go of their relationship.He may even be trying to win her back. Your girlfriend is really liking the attention she is now receiving, not just from her X, but also from you. It must make her feel very flattered, however,if the X is truly an X and she wants to make a life with you, then she will "have" to put an end to his attentions. Having children together makes it hard, but not impossible. You and your girlfriend will have to have some real heart to hearts where you should tell her (maybe write it all down first)exactly what you want and expect out of this relationship and what you will and will not accept i.e. phone calls from the X late at night. It is important to set boundaries. I understand you have your own demons from past experiences to deal with and it is important not to transpose them on to this relationship. She should make her own list so that she can tell you her feelings and her thought process as well. If you are able to have a real, honest talk where both of you really listen to one another and it is kept very rational and logical, then you will begin to see if you are both on the same page. If you are going in oposite directions, perhaps it is time to make some changes. As far as rebuilding trust, you really didn't mention anything in your letter that said anything about actions she might have taken so far to deserve not to be trusted, but maybe you haven't told the whole story. All I see is that she is realing in the attention she is receiving and enjoying the heck out of it. One thing is certain, she will have to make a choice, either her X, you or move on. I wish you lots of luck…
(On October 7th, 2009 at 8:44 am)
so… i hung out with my boyfriends sisters ex for like an hour AT THE MOST and my boyfriend and his sister both found out and i denied it to the both of them and my boyfriend several times. i finally called him up and told him the truth that yes it really did happen. nothing went on though at all and i would never cheat on him ever. i dont know what to do, how to make things right again. how to say im sorry. i wrote him a poem i told him to his face im soo sorry and i love you so much and all this but i dont know what else to do and its killin me that i hurt him. this is the first time i have ever lied or hid anythin from him. i jus want to hear i love you from him again and everything. help me please bc i know i hurt him and he is upset and its killin me i have been cryin soooo much from it. i hurt my baby! he means the world to me and i want him back the way i had him before this.
p.s this happened monday night all this went down
(On October 7th, 2009 at 9:09 am)
Hi Vanessa:
It doesn't sound as though you did anything wrong, but it appears that your boyfriend has major jealousy issues. Usually that stems from being very insecure. If he is jealous from this very small unimportant event, chances are that this will escalate over time. From the way you write it also sounds as though you are losing yourself in this man, losing your own identity, which is a dangerous thing to do. You might also have insecurity issues of your own. Be careful! You keep saying in your letter that you are so sorry, but what are you sorry for? You did nothing so terribly wrong. You told a little lie, which provoked his insecurity and you admitted that it is wrong and will never do it again. If he really loves you then he will forgive this small indescretion and realize that we all lie from time to time. I would bet that even he does. We are human and we make mistakes.
Take a step away from all of this, try to look at your situation from the outside in. You might need someone to help you do that, like a trained counselor. Good luck and remember, you must first LOVE YOURSELF before you can truly love someone else.
(On October 7th, 2009 at 9:22 am)
the thing he is upset about is that i lied to him and didnt tell him that he was comin to visit. and i do see where he is comin from bc i always tell him everything i jus knew his sister would make a big deal about it. im sorry for lyin and hidin it from him thats not me at all. and im sorry from hurting him. i know it was jus a little lie but it was a lie and thats the biggest thing ever to him is lying and i understand bc im like that too. and i know i said i would never do it again it was the first and will be the last time that happens. i dont know what else i can do. i was thinkin about showing up at his work today with a rose. and jus tell him im sry and how much i love him and that i will never lie or hid anything from him again. i jus wanna hold him. like last night he showed up at my vball game didnt think he would really and after we jus hugged and he jus held me so tight and i was like i love you and i knew not to expect it back i walked him out to his bike and was like thanks again for comin i love you so much and im sry babe. and he said your welcome you played very well tonight. and i said becareful plz i love you and he jus hugged me he wont say it right now and that kills me
(On October 8th, 2009 at 9:34 am)
Hi.
I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. The first two years were long-distance and then last year I moved in with him. I have since figured out that what I saw as a strong loving relationship long-distance, he didn't take me as seriously. He had very close friendships with females that bothered me, and that I would voice as a problem, and he wouldn't want to talk about. Now that we are living together I feel he has cut off those friendships for the most part, which I am happy about, but also make me question what they were about if he doesn't want to continue them around me. When I ask about it he says that he stopped being so close because it bothered me. I also did something very wrong- i checked his email because he forgot to sign off one night- and there was an email between him and his ex where he said he didn't have a girlfriend and that he was "working" in the city that I lived in when he would come to visit me. I just notice that he seems to brag around his female friends and act like another person and it bothers me. I want to get past all this because it was so long ago, I just don't know how.
Kat
(On October 8th, 2009 at 2:30 pm)
Hi Kat:
My humble opinion, it is never a really good idea to move in with a guy before you marry him, if marriage is what your goal is. That may sound like an old fashioned opinion, but when you think about it, it makes sense. The woman is the one who usually ends up with the cooking and cleaning, the eventual heartache, not to mention the financial messes that can occur when you start to comingle.
In your case, it sounds to me that you moved in with a guy you really didn't know very well because you really can't ever know someone if it has only been a long distance relationship. From what you say, he kept his private life secret from you during the first two years and is doing the same with his X girlfriend now, which beggs the question: "how honest is your boyfriend anyway"?
You wrote in this blog because your gut is telling you something. We women have been blessed with a very strong internal instinct. ALWAYS listen to it! It will never steer you wrong.
(On October 12th, 2009 at 10:41 pm)
Hi Rachel,Vanessa
Your advice is helpin.We just went on a vacation and spoke things thru.things are getting great.We have set certain rules to follow which helps us handle things better and we make it fun by giving points to the person who follows the rules..and u can redeem those points..so if she has points and she says take me out to this place for dinner..i gotto do it..its fun…
@ Vanessa
I suggest you stop doing all the extra things you are doing. i guess you might've have already gone to his office with the rose. If he isn't moved by that..its HIS BAD..i wuda not held on to such a small issue.. more u do this the more he wont let it go..DONT SAY SORRY ONE MORE TIME..jus stop and be normal and dont say I love you an stuff..he wil miss it and then he wil realize
(On October 13th, 2009 at 4:43 am)
Hi Joe:
Good suggestion to Vanessa and I am so happy that things are working out for you…
Rachel,
(On October 14th, 2009 at 9:04 pm)
Hi! My name is Shay. I have been dating my girlfriend for over 9 and a half months. Everything I could have possibly done in a relationship I have done wrong. I lied to her about my past, the amount of girls I have slept with, and the just little lies as well. I am 18 and i really do love this girl. She does not have any trust whatsoever ans she feels like I want more than her because she has caught me looking at girls a couple times and saw i looked up a celebrity nude too. I cant seem to get my act together and show her i really do care. She has given me so many chances and I seem to fall through on each of them. I feel like i don't know how to love because it is something I have never experienced in life. I want to show her I can love her and be a man for her. She is a year older and is almost ready to just end it. I really need help and I want to show her I care because i really do! Can and if so how can I win her heart back over so her heart will not ache anymore.
(On October 15th, 2009 at 7:24 am)
Hi Shay:
I will be the first to admit that to lie is wrong, however, to err is human. I would bet that even your girlfriend has lied maybe to spare someone's feelings, as I believe you did when not telling the truth about your private sexual life, or to make oneself look better, which is considered a white lie. I do believe that there are significant differences in the lies we tell, not that any of them are good because they all are meant to deceive, however, some can be excused and some can't. For example, if you have an STD and don't tell a sexual partner before having sex with them, or if you are married and meet someone with whom you strike up a relationship and don't tell the person you are married or lie about your marital relationship, or if you are in an exclusive relationship and have other sexual partners without their knowledge, I would consider all of these lies to be unexusable. Have you really been so dishonest with your girlfriend that it is totally unexusable?
You say you are 18 and your girlfriend is 19. Both of you are still very young and both of you are still learning how to treat oneanother without stepping on eachothers toes. As you will discover, men and women are very different creatures. We talk, walk, think and react differently from oneanother because we process issues and situations in different ways. You litterally have to learn how a woman feels and reacts as we have to learn the same about men. For example, women generally attribute meanings to things like a first date, a first kiss, a song, your anniversary, where men don't. If you know that about women and you create the situation that brings about YOUR Song, for example, it will show her that you too attribute meaning and that therefore the relationship has value to you. A woman is a complex creature. Your girlfriend's heart aches probably because you feel and react differently to situations from her and you are not understanding what you should and shouldn't do to make things right between you. A good rule of thumb is to tread lightly when it comes to sexual issues. In other words, it is normal for men to want to "look" at other attractive women. Actually, women like to look at other attractive women too, wheather they admit to it or not. However, gauking, staring and looking up and down at another woman while you are in the presence of your girlfriend, or even when you are by yourself is very rude and inconsiderate towards the woman you are scanning as well as towards your date. Also, looking at pictures of nude women, no matter who they are, is best when done in private.
In my experience with any relationship, communication is the answer. If I were you, I would continuously ask questions of your girlfriend about how she feels about everything. Dig as deeply as you can and try to understand her point of view. When a woman feels understood it also makes her feel validated and loved. Tell her that you love her every day and show her in the things you do. A single, long stemmed, red rose is very touching, writing poetry and reciting it also goes a long way, treating her like a lady by opening the door for her always, helping her on with her coat and being extraordinarily gentle by cupping her head in your hands before kissing, for example, are all ways that show women how they are adored and loved. In the end, what women really want is to be valued by men. That is the key that unlocks the door to a woman's heart.
If you decide to try what I have suggested and it works, I would be interested in finding out.
Go to it,
Rachel
(On October 16th, 2009 at 1:51 pm)
we are good now.. and no i didnt end up givin him that rose… we talked about it and all that in person and now its in the past i have had last friday planned for a while for our 1 yr i took him to jason aldean he loved it he was like it was amazin thank you so much even though we are goin through a rough time right now this was one of the most amazin nights i have ever had and i gotta spend it with you and all this stuff.. but now we are good we dont bring it up or anythin thanks
(On October 18th, 2009 at 11:16 pm)
Dear Ron,
I began dating a guy in Febuary 09. In August I found some text messages in his phone from April. In one message I found out that he had spent the night at a girl's apartment and the other one was about him taking a "girl" friend out to lunch. Both events, he failed to tell me about. We had only been seeing each other 2 months. I confronted him and got his side of both stories. Needless to say, I was completely devastated. At that point I was ready to just walk away from it all. This just wasn't good for a girl like me who already has major trust issues. After telling him I wanted to end things he was pretty adament about staying together because he loves me and wants things to work, he shouldn't have done it, he wasn't thinking about how I would feel, etc. He says he never did anything with either girl, meaning sexually.
So here it is, October and I still feel like I just swallowed the poison from this whole situation all over again. I do love him. We have even talked about getting a house together, marriage, and starting a family. The problem is that I can't let go of what happened. I don't know how to trust him. There are days when everything between us is absolutely perfect and I feel like we're making progress and that things may actually be working. Then out of nowhere it pops into my head and I am sad and angry all over again.
Out of all the crazy relationships I have had, this is one that I really want to work. It is different than anything I have ever experienced. But it seems like it's falling apart because I can't get over what happened.
Any suggestions??
Thank you!!
(On October 27th, 2009 at 1:18 am)
I apologize beforehand for this will be a long post.
I have been married for close to 18 years now to my someone I started dating when I was 16. Needless to say, I trusted my husband so much that I would describe my trust for him to others telling them that you could place him in a room full of hookers and it wouldn't bother me. He would clearly frown upon his co-workers cheating on their wives.
Well, after having been married 15 years, it seemed his sex drive had gotten considerably low. I thought nothing of it until I found an email he printed and left in his truck when I was cleaning it out for him. He had posted his profile on adult friend-finder. I searched his post and he had commented that he was married wanting to have some fun on the side. I also found out, after some digging, that he had also posted to 2 other similar sites. When I confronted him about it, he said one of his friends from work had dared him to do it, for what purpose I don't remember. I accepted his reason and forgot about it, but not letting my guard down. From time to time, I would check his emails and voicemails. I ran across one vm from a female telling him she was going to be in town and inviting him over for dinner, or just hang out. I called her and she stated that it was all innocent and that he was just a friend and that nothing was going on. When I confronted him, he said she was asking him over to a party, the msg mentioned nothing about a party, but, I still tried to trust he was telling the truth and wrote it off again.
One time, while heading back home from the movies with our 2 boys, he had mentioned a female at work being a lesbian. It struck me as odd,that he just decided to mention that fact out of the blue. Later that year,he began staying up late on the computer playing Wow. By then my trust had been put on the back burner and I was getting preoccupied with checking his phone calls, emails,and anything else I could get my hands on. I then decided to learn to play the game so I could play with him. At the same time I had began placing a recording device in his truck. He had lied to me about a trip he made that I had recorded, nothing really concrete except that he ordered 2 breakfasts. When I confronted him, he admitted that the other breakfast was for a female friend that he was getting close to that he went to that morning. He said they talked, he realized that he needed to go before something happened, then left. A few months later, I decided to go to the Dr and order birth control pills because I didn't want to accidently have another baby with him, I had a gut feeling he lied about not doing anything. I found out during my checkup that I had an STD. He finally admitted to having an affair with this lady after I told him I know the STD didn't come from me. I should've just torn my heart out. After that, I was so insecure, unhappy, and numb. I lost 30 lbs in hopes of keeping him attracted to me,but to try to gain my self esteem back. I had made a friend on the game prior to this. He was 18 when we first met. I gave him advice about his parental issues and enjoyed his attention. After I had found out about my husband's affair, I had started playing the game just because I began craving this guy's attention. He would comfort me,and vise versa. But then our conversations became sexual in nature and my husband found out and of course was very upset. He made me promise to stop talking to this person,and I did. Then, a few months after that, I found out he was still talking to the co-worker he had the affair with. He acted like it was no big deal because he didn't have feelings for her any more and she moved on. They only communicated because he and her new boyfriend went to the gym together and he called her to contact him. At this point, I cried almost daily, have thought about just ending my life to get rid of the pain, but still continued on with him, still checking to see if there was more than what he had told me, it almost became an obsession. Just this year, he admitted to 2 other females, one night stands. These all occured within the same year he had his 3 month affair. He admitted to this info after I had threatened to leave him. I tried to stay yet again but am constantly worried about being made a fool, his lack of respect for me, and his seemingly easy way of lieing to me. We split up again for 3 weeks. During that time, I had gotten close to 2 adults, closer to my age, in the game and began sending sexual texts to him. We decided to get counseling and I moved back in, he asked me to stop talking to the guys,and I did. Even after counseling I couldn't seem to find the happiness that I had 4 years ago. 3 weeks ago I noticed he was taking his cell phone to the bathroom with him that night,and he went to the bathroom several times, so I decided I needed to leave him, but couldn't muster up the courage. Luckily, the guy I was sending sexual texts too decided to text me again out of the blue, think he was drunk,and he sent a picture of his penus to my phone, which was in our bedroom when my husband was asleep in there. He got upset and asked me to leave. I explained to him that I didn't initiate the conversation and that when I said I was going to focus on our marriage, I did try. He began changing his tone, but I still left, have been gone since. He tries to be so sweet and caring now. Telling me if we can't be together he wants to still be best friends, but it's hard to not want to go back to try to get back what was there so many years ago. He also didn't stop communicating to the female he had the affair with, we'll call her Helen. They work closely together, which he decided to keep from me also. Times when he could've avoided her, like overtime hours, he still volunteered for even if she was scheduled to work them also. I don't think he made enough effort to save our relationship, I know he loves me, he is very sincere when he talks to me about it, but it's the respect and thoughtfulness that I'm looking for in the love. Do you think I should even give in to him, knowing the past, and move back in?
(On October 28th, 2009 at 11:08 am)
Hi Torn:
Your story has a lot of similarities to my own. You can read it #42. I have learned a lot from this experience and I can't say that I am over it, but for me divorce is imminent because I finally came to realize that my husband will not change and he feels absolutely no remorse for what he has put me through, all of the lies, the affair or his sex parties he likes to frequent behind my back even today. For me,like for most people, there had to be a point of no return, the last straw on the camel's back. It came the day I found out that he took his girlfriend on trips with him, trips I was supposed to go on, but didn't because we were trying to save money. After that I knew it was over and there was no more going back. We are now living in seperate bedrooms, but still in the same house only for economic reasons like so many couples these days. If you can get away and live somewhere else, more power to you. You will be able to heal emotionally far sooner when you are seperated.
I have learned that a good number of men, probably not all men though, seem to think that having extramarital, recreational sex is ok and some might even say that it is healthy for them. STDs usually never enter their minds, but statistics indicate that women who contract an STD usually will contract it through their husband, whom they trusted. I am so sorry that this happened to you. It must be utterly devestating and enough cause to divorce immediately for many.
Usually, after some years of marriage sex does get a bit routine and stale for both sexes. Many men will want newness with someone else, but that doesn't mean that they don't love their wives or that they want to leave them. Many men will use the excuse, as my husband does, that men are wired to have sex with many women, so they are just doing what mother nature intended. I will admit that marriage is a man made creation, however, it is meant to be a binding commitment to society, to the respective spouces and to God. A committed and unselfish person will work on their problem at home with their spouse and not go outside the marriage thereby honoring their commitment. There are lots of things one can do to spruce up a relationship, but many men "choose" to lie and cheat instead and it is a choice. Many marriages can be saved if both parties want to save it and will do what it takes to put the pieces back together. A lot of hard work goes in to repairing a broken relationship, but the guilty party has to admit that they have made mistakes, must be willing to put the effort forth to fix the situation, feel true remorse for what they did and vow never to go there again. I believe that without that, you will be fighting a losing battle.
Perhaps God knew the nature of man and his shortcomings and how these would effect their women. Perhaps that is why he gave women the gift of keen intuition. Always listen to your gut and know if there is smoke, there is fire. You have cought your husband in his lies and still you have forgiven him and taken him back. What does that tell him? He feels that he will be able to do that to you and nothing will happen. You must be strong and set boundaries and stick by them. If you don't you will keep experiencing the same things over and over. It took me a long time to learn that fact. Learn from my mistakes.
I have recently read a good book by Tony Robbins called "Awaken the Giant Within". I had never paid much attention to Tony Robbins in the past, but when looking for answers to my questions I cam across this book and it spoke to me. In the chapter "The Power of Questions" he gives some Problem-solving questions that can help with any dilemma one might find themselves in.
1. What is great about this problem?
for me the great thing is that I have learned a lot about myself I would have never known if this hadn't happened and I will be able to start a whole new life when things are settled.
2. What is not perfect yet?
I still have a lot of unresolved anger and resentment issues to deal with and I am working on them.
3. What am I willing to do to make it the way I want it?
I am willing to seek professional help to let me see the light.
4. What am I willing to no longer do in order to make it the way I want it?
I am no longer willing to accept my husband's lies and affairs. i am no longer willing to have a physical relationship with him.
5. How can I enjoy the process while I do wht is necessary to make it the way I want it?
I can work on myself, by engaging in activities I enjoy, by taking classes to further myself, to enjoy the company of good friends.
Sometimes talking to a professional psychologist, face to face, is the best you can do for yourself. An impartial third party can sometimes shed light on a dark situation and just being able to talk about such personal topics can be cathartic. Give that some consideration. Keeping a journal is also a good thing. Good luck… Rachel
(On October 29th, 2009 at 6:28 am)
Hi Torn:
One more important thing I feel compelled to mention: "Hurting yourself in any way is NEVER the answer". There is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel. You have other people who love you and depend on you. You must consider them and what they would go through if you would try the suicide approach. I can understand the pain this whole thing has caused you. I do understand because I went through the same pain for years and because of that i can tell you that it does subside eventually. It may lead you in directions you would have otherwise never taken. I, for instance, would never have thought that i would ever be blogging, but here I am, spilling my guts. Hopefully it does some people some good to know that there are others who have gone through what they are going through and have come out of it a better person.
You may keep asking yourself the question "Why" as I did. The truth is we may never know the answer to that question because we are not made of that stuff, we are not cheaters or lyers. There are plenty of excuses why, but the bottom line is that it was wrong regardless. Excuses are made only to save face.
While you are going through a situation like this, it appears that there is nothing you can do. You may feel dispair and hopelessness, but remember that God doesn't give you anything you cannot handle. Problems arise in our lives to teach us lessons. We may not know what the lessons are at the time we are going through whatever it is we are experiencing, but as we learn, we grow as human beings. Also remember that things can always be worse, whatever your situation is. Look around you and you will see that your problem, as big and as devastating as it may seem to you now, is small compared to others who experience dehabilitating diseases or experience the death of their child. You WILL get through this and you will become a stronger person for it. Think of yourself for a change and not your husband. Think of doing things that bring you joy and happiness and persue them. Most women who have gotten lost in their husband's lives, lose themselves in the process. I didn't realize that this happened to me and how difficult it would be to not think of him first. It takes some doing, but then it starts to feel pretty good. Try it, you will like it and it will help you heal. Rachel
(On October 31st, 2009 at 7:12 am)
I want to apologize cause this may be a little long.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and he left his ex of 10 years for me. I grew up with him when i was a kid so we knew each other. The first couple of months were good…but then after that it went down hill fast. He has cheated and lied beyond numerous occastions. I know that he loves me and I love him very much. Here recently I messed up and started talking to someone. I came clean and told my boyfriend about it. He gave me a guilt trip for a long time about it which I understand. Last week I found out that he had spent time with his ex when he told me he was done with that and was going to concentrate on us. I believe him everytime but this time I have actually seen a bit of a change. Yesterday one of the bartenders from a place we eat at regularly texted him and it made me feel a bit uneasy. I just wonder if I am over reacting to it or not. He says there is nothing going on, that he is ready to cut back on the drinking (which he has been), that he wants to start settling down so we can start thinking about marriage and a family.
A majority of the time that he has cheated it has been with his ex. He tells me he does not want her.
I just want to know what we should do to try and work through this because we both want to be together but me having no trust in him leads to fights and we just want to find a way to get past what has happened…
(On October 31st, 2009 at 2:31 pm)
Hi Maggie:
You admitted that your boyfriend left his long time girlfriend for you. The past has a way of repeating itself. If he did this with her, what makes you think he will not do the same thing with you? I am sorry to say that you cheated with a cheater. Now he has cheated on you….If you stay with him, I would fear that you are only letting yourself in for heartache and pain because he will do it again if he thinks he can get away with it. Sorry to be this blunt, I just say it the way I see it. Get away from him, fast! Contrary to popular belief, Love does NOT conquer all… Rachel
(On November 8th, 2009 at 4:06 am)
So my past is not to pleasent, previously before I met my boyfriend(currently my x)i was searching for a guy in all the wrong places and gave myself away to easily, later on regretting it. But I finally meet a great amazing guy that loves me for me wants to take care of me and be there throught thick and thin. Never told him about my past,later on he would then find out and trust issues started to build from there.
We have been together for 9 months. We have broken up over his insecurity of me talking to friends. He has been going through my emails phone etc. and its repeating itself because he did that with his previous gf.
Recently we went on a break and we had both did something wrong that had no meaning to the both of us. We hooked up with other people. He would later on tell me and I would hide it from him due to the fact that I was afraid what he would think of me because of my past. Also that I care about him and love him so much I didn't want him seeing any flaws in me.
What can I do to make the trust better in the relationship? Him and I are torn, and want to make things better, jsut don't know how to go about it. I know he loves me as do I and I want to get through this.
(On November 9th, 2009 at 8:16 am)
Hello Ron,
I came across this website after I googled "Repairing Broken Trust". As I read through most of the comments I realized that I was not alone in the way I feel. This is my story.
I have been with my now husband for over six years. When we were first dating I found out about his previous drug problems (heroin addiction). I thought it didn't matter since it was just part of his past. We moved in two years after and noticed a complete change in his personality and appearence. He became distant, never had enough money. I noticed that he would text his cousin alot (she is bad news, drug addict)when he wouldn't even respond to my texts (because he was busy.I began to think that he was cheating on me with one of her friends. Until one day I found empty balloons in the toilet and after researching online found out it was heroin. He had been using for months now. I felt so betrayed. It turned out that his cousin was helping him score the stuff.
Moving on to my current situation. Earlier this year I noticed he had been texting with a female coworker. At the beginning I did not feel a need to feel insecure since from what I knew she was the bosse's daughter, his friend's sister, and not that good looking (not ugly.. but not good looking). Plus it's a small iron business and he's the crew's supervisor and is always out on the field. I figured he did not mention it to me because it was all business. Everything changed when he sent me a silly text message of someone farting. He told me she had sent it to him. I immediately realized it was not just business that they were texting about. This was in Feb. I started to notice that he was showing signs of heroin use again. He denied it! But all the signs were there. His texting continued.. it was not an everyday thing.. it was a few text messages every other day.. sometimes weeks. It began to cross my mind that maybe she was helping him score. But then I thought.. It does not make sence. She would not allow someone that her family to continue to trust a heroin addict would she?? After a few weeks of noticing him worsen because of the heroin use.. I decided to make it clear that I was bothered by the texting. He replied "I'm not going to talk to who you allow me to talk to. She's my bosses's daughter, my fried's sister for god's sake!" …. "If you don't like then you know what to do!" …. I cried ofcourse. I noticed he seemed to be going through widrawl as we were talking. I left it at that and walked away. In April I found out through his family that he had asked to borrow $10,000 and that this was nothing new. I had no idea about this or that he had asked to borrow money in the past. I felt like I had no idea who it was that I was living with. In early June we had a long talk about his texting with his coworker. He told me she was just a friend and that he had no feeling for her at all. He promised he would no longer answer her texts. He would not ask her to stop texting him because he felt that it would be mean since she was a really nice person. Two weeks after that I went out to dinner with some friends and was gone for about two hours. I checked his text usage that Friday and realized that they had been texting for a couple of hours. They began texting before I had gone out to dinner and maybe for 45 minutes after I had left. I decided that I was done with him. I could no longer trust him. His promises meant nothing. I decided to break up with him via text because he had no service up where he was working. When I went to look for him at work that afternoon he told me that he could not believe I had broken up with him over something so stupid. He said that he had never cheated on me and that they were texting about a concert that shed had gone to with her brother (his friend). She also sent pix of the concert by the way. I never got to see any of the texts they exchanged by the way. The next day while he was at work I packed up all of my stuff and decided to give the girl a call. She said that she had no idea what was going on in our relationship..but all they text about was business. She also asked if I was insecure about our relationship (enough to call her). I was polite to her and just asked her "what's going on between you two?" She said that it was all business and she felt that our problems should be solved by him and I and she had no need to be accussed by me of anything. So I apologized and hung up. Soon after he got home and noticed that all my belongings were in my car. He began to cry and told me that he has never been unfaithful and that she was just a friend. That he loved me. He came clean about his drug use. He admitted that he had lied about his drug use because he knows how much I hate drugs. I belived him. The texting soon stopped. He stopped answering and I think she got the hint.
The only problem is that I can't move on. The texting incident keeps on coming back into mind every single day. I told him how I felt and how I could not get this incident out of my mind. He offered to seek counseling for us. He said that maybe it would help me believe him with if we both told our stories to a professional. Even though I thought it would be a great idea then..two hours later it seems like I'm over it. I'm like this every day. What should I do? Please help.
(On November 10th, 2009 at 9:14 am)
Hi Kendell:
I am not all knowing, but one thing is for sure, you do not develop trust by "hooking up" with others, even if it is as you say, "meaningless". That is actually what starts the whole ball rolling.
My suggestion to you would be to have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend. You don't have to reveal anything about your past, which is the past and unimportant since you can't change it. The important thing is what you two decide to do for your futures. Make a clean line as to your feelings, your boundaries and your visions about what an ideal realtionship looks like to you and see if you see eye to eye on that.
There is no need to feel regretful about your past. Afterall, it is what made you who you are today. We all make mistakes from which we learn, hopefully. Just try not to repeat them since they can be clouded in different looking threads but be the same mistakes.
Try good ole fashioned communication and see if that works. Good luck, Rachel
(On November 10th, 2009 at 9:46 am)
Hi Broken:
It appears to me that "texting" should be the least of your concerns. "YOUR MAN IS A HEROIN ADDICT". THIS IS A DANGEROUS SITUATION YOU ARE IN!
"He" needs to see this as a real problem, admit to being an addict and be committed to becoming clean. From your letter it sounds as though he has been an addict for a long time. It is now a way of life for him, a life style he may no want to change, although he may say he does just to appease you. Lying accompanies all addictions. You should never trust an active addict. If you are talking to a drug addict, you are talking to the drugs and not to the person. Drugs change who you are and if you stay with someone like that and they are not serious about getting help and getting off of the drugs, then your life may be ruined by association. I understand you love this man, but contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all. Love yourself too and think of your own wellfare. He isn't thinking of you first because right now heroin is his main squeeze and that is all he thinks about. Everything and everyone else takes a far back seat. You have to think clearly about the rest of your life and how you want to lead it. If you stay with this man you are choosing a very difficult and dangerous path, but of course, it is your life and the beauty of that is that you get to make your own choices. Remember, you always have choices. Get some serious face to face counseling for yourself and don't delay. Rachel
(On November 18th, 2009 at 6:08 pm)
I would like to thank everyone and Ron for having this site accessible and everyones contribution. It makes me feel as if I am not alone in this situation.
I have been with my BF for Just over a year…His a flight attendent and does not have many dependable friends.We have been very close and we also keep in contact when his out of the country and when his home we are always together. We have spoken about marriage and I was there when he recently got into trouble with the law. He has a flirty personality and I have tried to come to accept it. I am a person who is insecure and have a negative outlook on life. He is also 11 yrs my senior. I had a gut feeling my BF had a side I didn't know.i have always been curious about his past and his exs. He always says to leave the past in the past and he doesn't care about my past (not that is anything to hide) and that he wants to know the current me. His always caring towards me and we had our usual fights. We treat each other with alot of consideration and it appears there shouldn't be any reason for me to not trust him. But he gets along with girls very well. Recently, I went through his emails and didn't expect to find anything but I did. There was alot of random emails from different girls that he had met on the flights he was working on and he would be the instigator to email romantic comments such as " i miss you".. "can you send me a photo".. "your very pretty".."I think I am falling for you".. and " i love you".. he would also tell them that he was single and had no GF.he would ask to meet them and invited them back to his room. There was no indication from the emails that I have read to confirm that they have met up or did anything more. I fell apart. I tried to break up with him but I love him and so I wanted to give him a chance because he was sorry and remorseful. He seems sincerely sorry and promised not to give out his email address to anyone anymore. He had deleted all his emails and said that the emails means nothing and he does not know why he even did it. He hasn't done it to any other ex GFs… He said they were like penpals and he never physically cheated and never intended to go further than emails. He also said that he never met any of them. i do not know how to move past it and trust him again. he said he has not done it since the situation with law. He said this situation changed his life and he stopped from then on. But I do not believe that if I had not found those emails that he would have stopped. When i brought up that it was deceitful and i felt betrayed and he would be just as upset if the roles were reversed, he realised it was wrong. He has admited he was wrong and apologised many times. His been cheated on before a couple of times and I do not know whether he believes I will do it to him as well and that is why he did what he did. I get the urge to want to check his emails and in my mind I am always questioning him..I get sad when i think about it and it affects him and he just wants to move on..I need help to rebuild this trust and how to stop living life with this insecurity..
(On November 18th, 2009 at 9:49 pm)
Sorry I didn't realise! I would love your thoughts and advice Rachel!!
(On November 19th, 2009 at 7:23 am)
Hi Annie:
First let me say that I feel flattered that you feel that my comments are worth while. It makes me feel that something I am saying is making sense to some people, which is the sole purpose for my doing this. I know, first hand, how lonely one can feel when going through an intimate relationship issue. You don't know where to turn or who to talk to, you don't want others to think poorly of you or of your bf, but you are hurting so badly from it you could scream and probably do at times and that is ok. Let me just say this, there are support groups for just about everything under the sun and some of them are very helpful, put you in touch with people who are going through similar experiences and usually cost nothing or next to nothing. If you are interested, check with your local churches.
Your letter doesn't give me much to go on, but a few ideas spring to mind and stand out for me. Forgive the idioms I am going to throw at you now such as "Where there is smoke there is usually fire". You have nothing but a bunch of emails confirming that he has, at least, tried to hook up with other women, lying to them about his relationship status, which is deceitful, arrogant, disrespectful, manipulative and very selfish. He, in fact, is setting the stage to sexually use women and they may, unknowingly, fall in to his trap. You really don't know how long all of this has been going on and how many times he has been successful in his attempts, though I would assume that he has had some modicum of success if he is playing the numbers game. I am sure that this whole thing is a game to him, nothing serious, but not something he would be willing to give up so fast and easy. A lot of men will do what they can get away with while there significant other isn't around or is unaware or in a trusting mode. I can't tell if your bf has deeper issues such as a sex addiction, but lying and secrecy accompanies all addictions. They almost can't help themselves.
I am all for giving someone a second chance if he is truly regretful, feels remorse and vows to never do the hurtful act again, but this is the time to set your boundaries. Boundaries are VERY important to preserve your own integrity. It is also very important to stick by the boundaries you make and not back down, or else you will be seen as a paper tiger and you will be stepped on and used because you will have tought him that he can do anything and you will do nothing. If you tell your BF that you are willing to give him a second chance, tell him that it will be the only chance he will get and that you will not stand for a third, a fourth or a fifth chance. There has got to be a consequence if he violates again, one that puts you out of harms way(I don't know if you have given any thought to him giving you STDs, but that is a possibility if he is having sex with others). In any case, ou are now aware, your senses are hightened, your ears are perked and your antennae are up. We women have been blessed with keen instincts. It has been my experience in life that when i listen to my instincts I virtually NEVER go wrong. I think it is the voice of GOD, guiding me. Use it to your advantage and good luck with what ever your choice is. Rachel