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dating scene
Repairing broken trust in a relationship can be very difficult. Many times the reason for the broken trust stems from infidelity or broken promises and these violations within a relationship can virtually destroy it. If you and your partner are committed to working through it though, you will find that your relationship can become stronger than ever.
Before any trust can be rebuilt you must address how and/or why it was broken in the first place. This is the time for brutal honesty. A complete confessional of how the trust was broken should only be done when you are both ready to hear it. Heartfelt apologies should be offered with indications of remorse and promises to not violate the trust again.
There is a massive amount of stress on your relationship once the trust has been broken. Reconciliation can happen first. This happens when both you and your partner make an agreement to work on the issues and rebuild the trust and the relationship. Reconciliation usually has to happen before forgiveness. It also indicates that you are invested in salvaging the relationship and not giving up on it. In many cases it will be up to the person that violated the trust to initiate reconciliation.
The most difficult task is then to forgive. It is never easy to forgive, but if you continue to hold on you will constantly live in a state of rage or anger. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you excuse abusive behavior. It does mean that you are able to work towards letting go of the past. Relationship experts suggest starting with forgiving your partner for their weakness. Your partner also needs to be ready to be forgiven and accept the consequences of their actions.
Sit down with your partner and reevaluate your goals. Remind each other what your priorities are and what unifies your life together. Sometimes a vocal or written commitment to the relationship is a good place to start. Try to avoid setting up conditions of forgiveness.
Getting outside help is strongly recommended. Make an appointment for the two of you to sit down with a relationship counselor. This should be a safe environment for both of you to be honest about how the trust has been damaged or lost. These counselors will have steps for you to go through that will help repair any damage, or in the worst cases, help you to safely walk away from each other.
(2 votes, average: 4 out of 5)
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(On January 2nd, 2007 at 6:08 am)
Hello. I have an issue that I need delt with immediately. A few months back, my wife of 8 years had an internet relationship with another man for about 3 weeks. I can honestly say it almost killed me, and us for that matter. Her reason for doing such was i wasn't paying any attention to her. That I wasnt showing any affection what so ever, and she was right. I took her for granted, thinking she would never leave me. We have three children together, I don't want to lose her or the kids. She says it is over with him, and I believe her for the most part.
I am having alot of problems relieving myself of this pain. We've had several arguments about it, and we are still together. I have done many nasty things to her since finding out about them. I snooped into her email, purse, i constantly check the cookies for anything incriminating, I've even had phone records drawn up for me, aswell as stooping as low as to ask my son to keep tabs on who she is talking to during the day when im at work. Well she found out about that and i was given an aultimadum to stop searching for stuff on her. I was given a week to show that i want this relationship to last. But this hurt is really screwing my mind up. Im constantly thinkning that she may do it again, or find someone in the same city and do something worse. I can't shake this feeling. I fear that my sinister ways may ruin us forever and I don't want that. I love her to much. I've done a total 360 on my life. I show her more than enough affection, I do things for her, I tel her I love her several times a day. i tell her she looks good. She knows I love her but since I found out about them, she has become a different person. She doesn't show me the affection I need. I think we've switched rolls, and it makes me feel like crap. I know I deserve it but she realizes that I know what i've done to her, and I think I should be forgiven.
So many things are running through my mind, and I want to see someone about it. We dont have alot of money so we can't exactly pay for a counsiler. I need to know a free way to deal with this before the worst happens. I don't want to lose her. Please help!!!
Man at the end of his rope…….
(On January 2nd, 2007 at 8:33 pm)
Hey Richard.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, it’s never easy to deal with infidelity (of any sort). The first thing you need to do is to ask yourself if you are ready to forgive your wife for what she has done. If you think you will be able to, I think you need to sit down with her and let her know what is bothering you. Arguing about what already happened will lead nowhere so it is important that you discuss what the two of you see happening in your relationship down the road.
Tell her exactly how you are feeling…about your fears, insecurities, and any other concerns. It is important that you put everything out on the table and let her know what it is you are going through. Remember not to put blame on her though, she already knows what she did was wrong, so reminding her of it will only lead to more arguments. Trust is by far the most important part of any relationship so you need to start rebuilding it as soon as possible. You need to show her that you trust her and that you want this relationship to work more than anything.
Trust is really difficult to gain…especially after it has been lost, so you really have to work hard at it. Begin by taking a few days off and going away with your wife. It doesn’t have to be an exotic island…just as long as you can be alone. Be consistent when showing your wife affection and don’t expect her to change overnight…it just won’t happen. Try not to worry about what your wife may do next…you can’t control that. You can only control what happens right now….and right now you have to be the best husband that you can possibly be.
(On January 28th, 2007 at 1:54 pm)
Dear Ron,
My situation is similar to Richards, although I happen to be the offender in my relationship. I was writing cell phone txt messages to my ex-boyfriend. Not everyday, nor even monthly, but when my boyfriend and I would have a disagreement, or he was especially aloof I would say hello to my ex to comfort myself a little. Anyway, my boyfriend found out about this and was furious with me. That part is understandable; I do see his perspective on this because I would be devastated if the situation was reversed, but the part we don't agree on is his contribution to the situation. I contend that his aloof attitude and way of taking me for granted is just as important as my response to it. I don't think what I did was justified, but I think to fix our relationship we need to address not only the trust issues, but also what contributed to me feeling the need to seek reassurance outside of the relationship. I believe that we are both good people and I know that I wasn’t intentionally attempting to hurt nor manipulate him, and I don’t think that he was intentionally trying to take me for granted nor ignore me, but since we both created the situation don’t we share equal responsibility in it?
Maybe I’m putting the cart before the horse on this one, but I feel like even if we were able to rebuild our trust, if he sees this situation as completely my fault, then our relationship will always be out of balance, and will continue to be plagued with problems.
Any advice you might lend would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Jennifer
(On February 1st, 2007 at 5:36 am)
Hey Jennifer,
So there are a couple of questions that I’m interested in asking. For instance, how long have you been in your current relationship? Also, when did the relationship with your ex end and how did it end?
What you are experiencing is very common when there is infidelity in a relationship. One partner will cheat on the other and then justify their actions reversing the blame. In your specific situation, the degree of infidelity is minor, but it’s exactly the same thing. Although you may have been neglected by your boyfriend, these are the types of things that you need to discuss with him before you make any decisions that could potentially harm the relationship. But unless you made an attempt to let him know how you felt, how did you expect him to change?
The best thing for the two of you to do is to sit down and put all the cards out on the table. Tell him exactly how you feel and what made you seek out comfort from your ex-boyfriend. Give him a chance to change…you’ll be surprised how often guys just don’t think about things. Or maybe you should re-evaluate the relationship itself…sometimes there are things you need that another person is unable to give you.
The most important thing here is for you to understand that despite his neglect, there is a deeper issue, a lack of communication. In the future, try to communicate how you feel before you make any impulsive decisions.
Hope that helps.
Ron
(On February 23rd, 2007 at 9:06 am)
Dear Ron,
Thank you so much for your response, you helped me that I was looking at the situation all wrong, and that I should stop blaming my boyfriend for not giving me the emotional reassurance I needed and take responsibility for what I did.
My current relationship has been going on about a year, but we have lived together for the past 6 months, and had discussed marriage.
My relationship with my ex ended about 6-8months before I met my current boyfriend, but my ex and I had been best friends for about 6 years before we started dating and we had gotten engaged about a few weeks before we broke up. I think that the reason that I had contacted my ex at all was because he had been a part of my life for so long; he was the only constant in what has been a turbulent past few years. My separation with my ex was pretty quick, but difficult on him and this resulted in him calling a lot or showing up at my work when I wouldn’t talk to him. This is probably why my boyfriend was so angry about the occasional message I would respond to from my ex.
So what happened with my current relationship? Since my current boyfriend discovery of my txt messaging, things have been steadily going down hill in the relationship. At first he decided he wanted to work it out, but a few days later he changed his mind because he didn’t think he would be able to trust me again, and he was convinced that I had sex with my ex (he had called my ex on the night he discovered the txting, and I don’t know what was said between the two of them). So he wanted me to move out, but for us to continue to date and try to fix our trust issues. I felt that it was just a way to ease into separation, so I agreed to move out, but then wanted to break up. We ended up having to live together for a while because of finical constraints, as we have both recently had major career changes. During this time we continued to work on the relationship, and we would have some good days, but other times he would get very emotionally abusive, making rude comments about me in front of people or calling me nasty names, so I ended up abruptly moving out about a week ago.
So now I just have to live with all, and it’s devastating in a lot of ways. Mostly because it doesn’t seem right that if a person really loved another, like he was supposed to have loved me, then how could something like this end that love? I defiantly made a huge mistake in the way that I handled what I interpreted as neglect from him, but it seems to me that it shouldn’t be so insurmountable. Any insight would be great.
Thank you again,
Jennifer
(On March 4th, 2007 at 12:59 pm)
Hi,
Well… needless to say I think I'm the one causing the problems in my relationship. Me and my partner have been living together for about 19 months now and engaged for some time. Everything has been relatively great (asides for the occasional snapping/arguments that everybody has).
I've had some long(er) relationships in the past with women who I utterly devoted my life and my soul to…. and ended up getting hurt/torn appart. The worst one being cheated on for almost the entire length of a relationship.
Anyway, needless to say. This has left me with some very weary trusting issues with my current partner. I explained everything to her as soon as we both took the relationship seriously (we both shared a lot of things that night). Anyway, like Jennifer (message above). I caught her at first texting an ex… we discussed it and what not… a few arguments etc and we both agreed its only gonna cause more problems… So she stopped doing it.
My mind being all male (and stupid and all) wouldn't let it drop. I read her online chat logs and found out some deeper truth to her previous relationships… My head turned, why would she hide this….. etc etc. I couldn't believe it!
I confronted her about the chat logs…. she went bezerk at me for reading the logs and not asking her.
How could I just ask her? - I didn't even know what I wanted to know.
We spent a few weeks kind of 1/2 at my place and 1/2 at hers (she had more people around at hers, she wanted that). Anyway. After about a month or so, the loose ends were tied, history told, emotions shared. fears too.
And Now, over a year later, I find myself doing the same with a male friend (of hers) chat logs… (I REALLY REALLY dispise the guy… just so many little things wind me up!). I only started looking again because they both told me 2 different stories about one occasion… It turned out she was lying to me (even though i asked her 3x for the truth!).
She'd often just 'forget about me' for a few hours and 'pop' over to his. Saying she lost track of time whilst they were watching TV. They both say they are just friends… but how many friends take up more time with eachother than their partners? (Seriously!).
I confronted her again, and the night ended up in tears… she no-longer trusts me and is very annoyed with me for being jealous and too protective of her. (I can't help it, I told her how I would be in the relationship during the first few weeks together). We've basically argued about this for almost a week now and its killing us.
I've tried and tried to appologise and attempt to sit down and discuss things together.. We sit for 5 minutes before balling at one-another.
I can't trust any woman very well. and as for what trust I did have in her, my own jealousy/in-securities ruined it. I love her with all of my heart and tell her this every day!
We'd even started planning our wedding for next year.. but I fear she doesn't trust me enough to continue.
She's still spending all the hours god sends chatting to her male friend as if nothing I ever say is going to change things.
Am I nutters or just down right jealous? If so, I'd love some help in gaining that trust once more…. I cannot let this relationship tear us two appart…
Thank you!
Simon
(On April 3rd, 2007 at 5:31 pm)
Hello,
OK this is a hard one for me, I have been seeing this woman for about six months. She to me was everything i ever wanted in a woman. But unfortunately I was so insecure in the relationship that I broke up with her about 4 times, the last time being about 1 month ago.
I did all sorts of horrible things like accusing her of seeing other people or just being with me just to have some one around. I always seemed to have excuses to break up. I hurt her severly… I did not find out until it was too late that she felt the same way about me as I did her, we just never talked about it until it was too late.
The thing is I have never been so happy with someone or wanted someone so much. I have sought counseling for my anger/esteem issues. it seems to be going well, I have notived a change in the way I thinkg about things etc.
Anyway I finally told her that I was sorry after waiting two weeks, and mentioned that I felt the same way about her and that it was all my fault, which it was. I asked that maybe we could work things out and try it again now that I knew she hoped this wold be the one that would last. We hit it off so well in the begining. She said she had left other men for less than I ever put her through. I promised I would make it up to her and that is why I got the counseling. Anyway she said if we do this it is going to be baby steps and that we would be friends for some time. I am not sure how long some time is to a woman, it could be forever as far as I know. But I am not sure if I am going down the right path to regain the broken trust. I know it is going to take a lot of work, but I have not wanted to since she has gone through some other issues with her children and maybe our relationship is the last thing on her mind. I am trying to think positive here but it get's harder everyday.
(On April 3rd, 2007 at 6:27 pm)
Hey Simon,
Sorry for the late response, I guess I missed the notification in my inbox. The situation you’re in is a very difficult one and I can completely sympathize with you on this. I had a very similar experience many years back when I grew suspicious of a girl I was dating. She would be watching a movie with her “guy friend” and would get home really late at night, if at all. When I confronted her about it, she said that they were just friends and that she would never jeopardize our relationship. Although we never had any trust issues prior, it just didn’t seem right that they were spending all that time with one another.
At the time, the only thing I could think of was to check her emails, and guess what…my suspicions were correct. Now had I not went with my gut feeling, who knows how long it could have continued? The only difference was that my girlfriend at the time did not react the same way…she immediately took responsibility for her actions.
Now that I think of it, I have always felt very uncomfortable when a girl I was dating would make a new male acquaintance. I always wondered what they could possibly have in common and what the other person’s intentions were. If it was an old friend from school then that’s one thing…but how often do we really make platonic friends from the opposite sex?
Now in your case, you feel uncomfortable that she is spending time with another guy, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Don’t let her give you a guilt trip because you invaded her privacy…you had a feeling and you went with it. Assuming he isn’t a long time friend, she should respect your feelings and stop hanging out with him (especially if it’s making you uncomfortable).
Unfortunately, you don’t have many options here. You will never be able to accept the two of them hanging out, no matter how much she pleads that they are just friends. Since you can’t really accept the situation (and I wouldn’t blame you) your only other option would be to give her an ultimatum. This is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and if she feels the same about you, then she will respect your feelings and choose you. If she makes you feel bad about making her choose, then you have to ask yourself, how much does she really want to be with you?
I wish you the best of luck and I am sorry it took so long to respond. Let me know how it goes.
Ron
(On April 9th, 2007 at 10:40 pm)
Dear Ron,
I've been going out with a very beautiful and talented girl. She is 29 studying for her doctorate and I'm 26 finishing up my B.A. Our relationship is extremely passionate. There is a high level of attraction. However, drama is a part of that. One night, I drank too heavily with my friends. And, I went to her doorman bldg and called her upset. It was a bad move that cost her to leave me and her security deposit. (she is currently moving) I ended up being completely careless and reckless with my words. The thing is Ron that this happened once before. The next day she was cold, hurt and angry. She wanted out. She's a strong woman. And, now I fear that I would lose her forever. I know what to do for myself. I know that certain vices and behavioral changes must occur. And, I'm doing that with support groups and seeking therapy. I love her deeply and believe in "us". I gave her space. Then one day, I wanted to say hello and see if we can meet up for dinner. To my surprise, she was like a different person. Asking why was I calling her. My heart drop right there. I felt like an idiot. I thought giving her space will cool her off…but it didn't she wasn't the same person. She didn't care. At least thats what I thought. Yet, to my next surprise I found out that she is communicating with my sister. They never hang out really. I would like to think that this is positive but she told my sister not to mention my name when they speak to eachother.
I dont know what to do. How can I communicate with someone who doesnt want to talk to me? I'm afraid that calling her would push her away, and I hate sending emails or anythign like that because I dont know if she would even read them or not. I want her back.
Thanks,
Frank
(On April 9th, 2007 at 11:49 pm)
Frank & Mark,
I promise that I will get a response out to your questions by tomorrow.
Sorry for the delay.
Ron
(On April 10th, 2007 at 3:16 pm)
Hey Mark,
I would like to start out by commending you for taking the initiative and seeking help with your esteem and anger issues. The change won’t happen overnight, but if you truly want to change, I am positive that you will come out a better person.
Unfortunately, when a woman tells you that they need space and/or time, there is really no way to tell how long it will be. Seeing as how you already broke up with her 4 times, she is in a really vulnerable situation and it will probably take her a good amount of time before she can trust you again. You should also look at the bright side…she is actually willing to consider taking you back (even after you broke it off 4 times). You asked if you’re going the right path…well it’s the only path (aside from giving up completely).
It’s been a week since you asked the question so maybe things have already worked themselves out…time usually has a way of doing that. If you are still in this situation, my advice to you is to be patient and continue to wait. For how long? Well that depends on how badly you really want this relationship to work. In the past, you gave up easily when things got tough or you were upset. You have to prove to her that you are willing to go through the tough times (i.e. giving her space, taking it slow, etc.) and that you are really committed to making it work this time around.
She may come around next week, next month, or next year. The amount of time that you put in really depends on how much you really want it. You should also consider the fact that she may never come around and that’s just a risk that you’ll have to take.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.
Feel free to ask me any other questions.
Ron
(On April 10th, 2007 at 4:27 pm)
Hey Frank,
I am not too sure what you actually told her, but it was obviously bad enough for her to react the way she did. Also, the fact that this isn’t the first time is making the situation that much more difficult.
I’m not going to sugar coat it for you by saying that everything will be alright, because that’s not the case. She seems to have taken this really personally, and seeing as how her personality is so strong, she may not be the forgiving type. I am also a little confused as to why she is talking to your sister, especially since they aren’t really friends. You didn’t go into specifics on the extent of their relationship, so I am going to assume that she wasn’t friends with your sister before she met you.
You’re in a really tough situation and this may very well be something that you’ll have to walk away from. Its great when you can make a mistake, learn from it, and make things right…but sometimes you simply can’t make things right, no matter how hard you try. Now I am not sure what attempts you have made, but have you tried sending her flowers? Don’t send one bouquet…go all out and order 4-6 dozen (or more). You should also write her a hand written letter about how sorry you are and how hard you’re going to try to make it work. If you’re the artistic type, put a poem together for her and send it along with the flowers.
There is only so much you can really do, and if she continues to give you the cold shoulder, you may have to just move on.
I hope my advice is helpful and I wish you the best of luck.
Let me know how things go.
Ron
(On April 10th, 2007 at 4:59 pm)
Ron-
Thanks for getting back to me. My sister and my ex have just started talking. It's not an all out friendship however they are plannign to meet. They spoke on the phone several times and both of them are actually pursuing the same career. I said mean things over the phone. I was not myself and I know, I know….I drank so I'm responsible. I'm definitely paying for it now.
She is not forgiving but however she seems to be forgiving after awhile. However, it depends. One of her good friends completely hurt on her birthday. And, now she is actually coming around wanting to know whats going on with her friend. Shes is the middle of a move and I know that this is a stressful time for her. I think that coupled with her lost deposit tip her to react this way more harshly.
I think I need to take your advice on that written letter. this sucks lol.
Frank
(On April 12th, 2007 at 1:41 am)
I was dating my gf for a year and a half, one night after some drinks with friends my gf was driving and dropped us off, as she had to get up and work the next day, long story short I ended up grabbing the breast of my friends girlfriend with him there, the three of us messing around. I ended up coming clean about the issue to her, and we are still together I just dont know how to repair her trust in me. Its been 4 months and there is still a block between us, how can I move more towards getting her and my trust of myself back?
(On April 12th, 2007 at 12:30 pm)
Dear Ron
i need your advice on a current situation ASAP. a while ago i cheated on my boyfriend. it was nothing major, just a meaningless kiss, but it was outside of the boundaries we set up. i was getting a ride from a close friend of mine who has always been hassling me about my boyfriend ( in terms of leaving him) and i eventually gave in to him ( as in kissed him). The reason i did it was because he promised if i did he would stop bugging me. Having done this, on the way home i started to feel guilty. As i got home i called my BF and told him what happened exactly. He was hurt, upset and many other things. Also that he felt as if i was throwing it back in his face because of the fact that we had a conversation about it the day before. It wasnt that he was more upset because i actually kissed the fella, but because he knows who he is and the day before BF also told me he trusted me completely. I feel like an idiot. i tried to talk to him the day after via text messages because he was at classes and tried to see if i could see him on the weekend to talk. He said it was not possible, maybe the day after the weekend because he has a lot of things to do in terms of work and if he deals with this situation right now he would not be able to get any work done.
Ron do you think there is any hope for us. and how should i go about trying to regain his trust and get things back to the way the were or even better. Your Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Cara
(On April 28th, 2007 at 4:51 am)
My boyfriend and I have been going out for just more than a year now. About 6 months ago, I looked at his cell phone when he started acting secretive. I found that he had been texting a girl that he didn't even know, asking for lap dances and pictures of her naked almost everyday for the past month. The thing is that nothing was wrong with our relationship, we weren't fighting and everything (I thought) was perfect. I broke up with him, not being able to believe how heartless he was. When trying to explain, he told me that he only did it when we would fight, and that he didn't know why he did it. Eventually I was able to forgive him, and move on. However, 4 months later, I started to get suspicious again. I got a friend to hit on him online and see what he would do. Well, he ended up cybering with her for a good while, making sure that she didn't know me and wasn't going to tell anyone about this. It was really hard for me, and I couldn't believe that he had the nerve to do all of it again! Afterwards he deleted his email so that he couldn't talk to other girls like that. I know he hasn't done anything with other girls in person, but all the texting and emailing hurts just as bad. He's been telling me that he's trying extremely hard to be a better person, and that hes changed. I recently checked his phone to find that there were no calls or texts to other girls. I want things to go back to normal, but I can never be sure that he's not going to do it again! What should I do? And do you think I should trust him, after he hurt me not once, but twice?
(On May 8th, 2007 at 3:27 pm)
I recently found out my Fiance had been phoning Chat line and using Chat text services. I know he'd done it before using the internet on his mobile and we had a huge fall out and I told him how upset I was over it. He says he doesn't know why he did it. He also promises he's stopped ut he says he did that last time. We were supposed to be getting married in 4 weeks! All trust is lost, I'm so so hurt. We have a great relationship so can't understand why he does it. He says he gets nothing from it so I'm very very confused! Please help! X
(On May 8th, 2007 at 8:20 pm)
Hey G,
I’m a little unclear as to what your intentions were when you grabbed her breast…was it a tickling contest or was there something more to it? If you were just messing around after some drinks and you accidentally made contact with her breast, I don’t think it should be that big of a deal. Now if there was more to it, then that’s a whole other issue. If you were actually touching her in an inappropriate manner, then your girlfriend has every right to be disappointed with your behavior. And if that was the case, I am curious why her boyfriend (your friend) didn’t say anything to you about it.
Four months is an awfully long time and it’s quite possible that she will never really get over it. I’m guessing it was more than just fooling around because otherwise you probably wouldn’t have felt the need to tell her about it. It’s always great when things work out, but we don’t always get the happy ending. It takes two people to work things out and she may not be ready and/or willing to work on forgiving you. If that’s the case, then there is very little that you can really do.
(On May 8th, 2007 at 9:24 pm)
Hey Cara,
How long have the two of you been dating? I ask because I’m trying to get an idea of how deep the relationship goes. If you’ve only been together for a few months, there may not be enough there to hold you guys together. On the other hand, if you have something special, then there’s more of a reason to work things through.
What you did was wrong and you really have to work hard to make things alright again. How you go about this depends on where you left off; so if he has agreed to give you a second chance, then you’ll have to rebuild his trust. This doesn’t necessarily mean that he will forgive you, but at least we know that he’s willing to try.
Start rebuilding the trust by bringing things out into the open and talking things through. You’ll want to reassure him from time to time and keep him in the loop when you go out. For instance, say you go out for a drink with some friends and he stays at home or has to work. Every so often, send him a text message to show that you’re thinking about him. Now that you’ve planted the seed, all that’s left is to care for it and give it time to grow.
The silver lining is that if a relationship can move past something like this, it’s usually stronger than ever. Remember, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.
Sorry for the late response and I really hope things work out for the best.
(On May 16th, 2007 at 12:44 am)
There was definatley a sexual aspect to the entire situation when I grabbed it, and her boyfriend was partaking in much more 'rigorous' action with her than I was.
(On May 16th, 2007 at 11:55 am)
Hello,
I have been reading over some of your stories and I was compelled to share mine in hopes of some sort of comfort. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and for 5 months since December of last year I was talking to other men online and on the phone. Things escalated to where I was having phone sex with all these different guys. I even took out another phone line to use thinking I wouldn't get caught. Well I did and it devastated him…he tells me I'm not who he thought I was and we've been seeing a therapist since he found out about a month ago. My behaviour was addictive and compulsive….I was sexually abused as a child and have had low self esteem all my life. This is believed to be a contributing factor and something I am working on improving. But he always loved me I have no doubt and I can't function without him. Since this happened it has been a rollercoaster one day we are good and he says he loves me but he's so angry at what I did. Another day he's so mad that he punches things and lashes out at me. I know I deserve it so I just listen to his insults and take it. But when he changes his mind I feel my world collapsing. I can't work, I can't eat, I have a hard time concentrating. He says he doesn't know what to do and that he deserves better…a person who he can trust and would betray him like this. I pray everyday that God allows us to go on together but when I see his hurt and anger I feel hopeless. I tell him that we can become stronger because of this and he disagrees says if I loved him I would've thought about what was at stake…can we fix this and have an even better relationship?? The connection we have I know I can never find with anyone else….I can't live without him.
Sincerely,
Guilty and remorseful
(On May 21st, 2007 at 12:16 pm)
Hi,
When I got married, I thought it would last forever. My husband and I were married for 9 years when he started making plans to move abroad for work, but the plans did not include me and our 4 year old daughter. I was confused and felt completely neglected as we hardly spent any time together due to conflicting schedules. I started having an affair with my boss, who happened to be a close friend of ours. The affair lasted for about 10 months when I ended it. However, the last time my boss and I were together, my husband had me followed and confronted me when I arrived back home. Although he had no evidence of an affair, I came clean and told him everything. He was hurt and angry and demanded a divorce. Within 4 weeks the divorce was granted and I found myself in a state of shock as the reality of what had happened had sunk in. We have remained "friends" for the sake of our daughter and have been divorced for 7 months now. However, two months ago he came around and ended up staying the night. For two months we were inseperable and our relationship was better than it had ever been during our marraige. Then suddenly he decided to leave as he said that he feels he cannot trust me and that whenever he is out of town, he constantly wonders if I am with anyone. He also said that what guarantee was there that a future relationship with me would always be this great. I have since changed jobs and have tried everything to show him that I am remorseful and regretful. Loosing him was the worste thing that has ever happened to me. I believe in my heart that he still loves me and is afraid that I may hurt him again. How do I regain his trust and prove to him that without him I am hollow and lost and that I would never do anything to hurt him?
Please help?
(On May 22nd, 2007 at 10:26 am)
I just found out that the man I'm living with sent an email with a photo of himself to a woman from a chatroom. He has apologised and begged me not to leave him and said he wants to become a better person and this was a moment of weakness. Should I stay?
(On May 22nd, 2007 at 10:28 am)
The same man also lied about keeping in touch with a female friend (someone he once sent a sex toy to but swears it's now just friendship) - he is still in touch with her - until now, because I found out. I've found both these things out in one day. In shock.
(On May 26th, 2007 at 7:44 am)
Dear Ron,
I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 10 months now, and we've hit a few rough patches like everyone, but one argument keeps coming up. As I grew up, alcohol was never seen in a good light, and now I am taking it out on my girlfriend. She will drink occasionally, but does not get drunk. For some reason, however, I blow up at her and give her the 20 questions (who, what, where, when, why, how much… etc). I trust her, but I don't trust anyone else that she might be with because of my past experiences.
I've tried calming down and not getting so jumpy, but for some reason, my mind hits 100 mph, and I can't stop. Is there any way that I can keep myself from losing my control and help rebuild her trust in me?
Thanks,
Don
(On June 2nd, 2007 at 11:16 pm)
Dear Ron,
I have been reading the heartache that people are feeling and it inspired me to write. Mainly because I feel that you all understand.
I have been living with a guy for 18months. When we met he drank quite a bit and at first I thought I could handle it but as time went on I realized that this was an issue for me and I didn't want to deal with a 'drinker'. We discussed this and I stated that as much as I loved him I didn't want to live my life this way and that unless his drinking changed then we needed to part. That it was his choice. Over the next 12 months he did try and gradually had some control over his drinking. There are many things that are uneven in our relationship as he works sparodically (he does play 1 day a week in a band)and I work full-time. He is living in my house and makes minimal contributions due to the fact that he is not working that often. When he does work he does contribute. Recently however I have found out that he lies about many things. Stupid things like he has paid a bill or the registration on the car (plus other things). I found out about the registration when he was picked up by the police for driving unregistered. I then asked him to leave as I wanted some space to digest all of this and needed emotional space from him. During this time I did look into his e-mail account as I was beginning to wonder who this man I loved was and found out that he had registered onto 3 dating sites. When confronted he first of all said that someone had set him up and he knew nothing about them. When I told him that there was no way we could be together unless he could tell the truth he confessed and said he had done it because he was bored and that he had never followed up on these. I am devastated and almost feeling numb about it all. He has said that he loves me and that he knows he has done wrong and he will never lie to me again. I don't believe him but at the same time I feel like I want to work through these problems. The reason I think I am not just walking away is that he had tried so hard with the drinking and I respect the fact that he has done that but god this time I am shattered!
He is back living with me but it feels like I am just going through the motions and if I begin to feel I just may never stop crying.
Janene
(On June 3rd, 2007 at 5:46 am)
Hi Janene,
I am having similar trust problems with my partner. If you need a friend, my email is virtualvelouria@aol.com
Annie x
(On June 5th, 2007 at 9:23 am)
Hi,
I came across this website because I don't know how to over come my fears and insecurites and try to repair the broken trust that my boyfriend of almost 4 years has betrayed. Ok I will try and make my story as short as possible. through out the four years he has broken my trust not once but twice by cheating on me both times I have found out and have taken him back with promises that he will never do it again. It has been a little over a year since the last time. Yet I still go through his phone and worry about him hurting me again. lately my insecurites have been off the charts to say becasue of a female coworker he has become friends with. I am not comfort with this situation and even more uncomfortable with the fact that they have now exchanged phone numbers he only admited to this after the fact of finding out by going through his phone, which he hates and gets anger at me for doing so. He tells me that i have nothing to worry about and that my fears and insecurities are ruining the relationship and that he deserves a little trust. Normally I can understand this and realize I could be over reacting but because of his past I am fearing the worst. I know I can't forbid him from ever talking to girls, but how do I overcome this fear inside and trust him again, or is that out of the question. I know I probaly should of ended it a long time ago but, I didn't and choose to work through it i still love him and didn't want to walk away from the commitment that I had put in to the relationship. I have asked him to stop talking to her but he refuses to since he says what am I going to tell her "sorry I can't talk to you cause my girlfriend is insecure" he says he enjoys talking to her on his breaks and isnt going to stop. I guess I don't trust him yet but he is not making it easy to regain the trust. he feels a years is long enough help.
(On June 22nd, 2007 at 5:50 pm)
Dear Remorseful,
I am sorry for the pain you experienced when you suffered through sexual abuse. You are right that the addictive and compulsive behaviors are a direct result. Though that isn’t an excuse for negative behavior, it is the reason. You are doing the right thing. You have entered therapy, and have begun working on those issues.
Your boyfriend has every right to be hurt, upset, and yes, even angry. But he doesn’t have the right to direct that anger towards you- neither verbally or physically.
I think it is time that your boyfriend seeks counseling as well. Yes, your relationship can be saved. Yes, it can be stronger than before. But your boyfriend has to work through his issues as well. Just as the sexual abuse is the reason behind your compulsive behavior, his wounded heart is behind the angry things he says towards you. However, his pain is the reason for his outbursts, but it is not an excuse.
If you are being verbally abused (and what you are describing is verbal abuse), and it is bringing you to the point of depression and interfering with your life, then it must stop. Either he will need to seek counseling to work through his anger, or I’m afraid your relationship should end. Verbal abuse can quickly escalate into physical abuse, and though you feel guilty and remorseful, you do not deserve to be abused. You stated, “I know I deserve it so I just listen to his insults and take it”. This is not true. You do not deserve this. If your boyfriend truly forgives you, then he will leave the past behind and you both will move forward with your relationship. If he feels that he needs to continually “punish” you for what you’ve done, then I feel the best thing for you to do is move on with your life.
You also stated that “you can’t function without him”. This isn’t true either. No matter how dependent on him you may feel, you can make it on your own. I also recommend that not only should both of you seek individual counseling, but you should take couples counseling as well.
However, if the verbal abuse continues or escalates into physical abuse, I suggest that you leave immediately.
(On June 22nd, 2007 at 5:56 pm)
Dear Zita,
My heart goes out to you, as we have all made mistakes in life. Unfortunately, there is no magic formula of how you can restore trust with your ex-husband. It is good that he has agreed to remain friends. But ultimately, it is his decision of how far he is willing to take the relationship with you.
Have you asked him exactly what you can do to help him trust you? It may seem simple, but it may be overlooked. He is scared of being hurt again, and the question really isn’t “What can you do to make him trust you?” it is rather, “Is he willing to take a chance and trust you again?”
Let him know how you feel, but clearly make him understand that you respect his feelings, and make sure that you never blame him or become angry that he feels this way. He is obviously torn with his feelings, and is trying to protect himself from being hurt again.
Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that we won’t be hurt in relationships. It is a chance that we all take.
I hope for your sake that he will decide to take that chance.
(On June 22nd, 2007 at 5:57 pm)
Dear Annie,
I can understand your shock. That was a lot to discover in one day. However, since you discovered that your boyfriend is contacting other women behind your back, you will need to make some decisions.
The question of whether you should stay or leave is a difficult one, and one that only you can answer. However, it is important to take a closer look at what he said, “It was a moment of weakness”.
I would like to ask him how many other “moments of weakness” has he had, and why is he feeling so “weak” to begin with.
Has he explained to you what was making him weak in the first place? The answer to whether you should stay or leave might be found in that answer. What were the circumstances that led to him contacting these women?
Were you two fighting? Had you recently broke up then come back together? You deserve to know why he felt the need to contact other women and mail them a photo of himself. Once you find that answer, you will have more information with which to make your decision.
(On June 22nd, 2007 at 5:59 pm)
Dear Don,
Alcohol is definitely a concern, and you have every right to worry about the safety of your girlfriend if she is drinking. However, it is never a good idea to “blow up”. What was the extent of your outburst? How much control did you lose when questioning her about the extent of her drinking?
Also, is she going out with friends and drinking without you? Maybe you could go along with her; you wouldn’t have to drink. Or is she spending time alone with the girls after work and having a few drinks then? However, if she isn’t getting drunk, how are you sure that she is drinking? Do you think it is possible that you are overreacting and she isn’t drinking?
Yet, if she is drinking then you aren’t alone. Many boyfriends feel protective of their girlfriends, especially if they are out partying or drinking alcohol.
The best route would be for you and your girlfriend to find a compromise regarding her activities and drinking alcohol.
Though I need a bit more information from you before I can offer my advice,
Thanks.
(On June 23rd, 2007 at 10:12 am)
Hey Janene,
I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. I understand that you have put walls up to protect yourself from breaking down. However, I feel that it has come to the point where you need to protect yourself.
Lying about the registration, then being pulled over by the police is more than just being irresponsible. Since you said that he has a drinking problem, I suspect there may be a drug problem as well. If he is telling you that he is paying bills, but the bills aren’t being paid, do you know what is happening to the money? For instance, what did he do with the money for the car registration?
Not only can he not be trusted, he is a liability. What if you were the one pulled over driving the car while it was unregistered? Would he even be able to help you? You are the one who seems to be supporting him. He has had a drinking problem, works minimal hours, and contributes only when he is working, doesn’t pay the bills, and then on top of all that, you find out that he is registering for dating sites! In addition to all of that, his first response was to lie when you asked him about the sites.
I wouldn’t believe one thing he says, and would get out of that relationship as soon as possible.
You deserve better, Janene, really you do.
(On June 23rd, 2007 at 10:13 am)
Hey Amber,
How can I put this lightly, ummm, “Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk.” Ok, maybe that sounds a bit harsh, but honestly. He cheated on you twice, then gives his phone number to a coworker, and expects you to trust him? What did you say to him when he told you, “He deserves a little trust.”? After cheating on you twice, why should you trust him? In fact, he didn’t tell you about his relationship with the new coworker, you found out.
He isn’t working on repairing the trust relationship with you. He betrayed you, and is telling you point blank that he will talk to whom he wants, when he wants. I’m sorry that he cheated on you twice, and I think your suspicions are right. Trust takes a long time to be repaired, and he isn’t taking the steps that you need for it to be established. In fact, he is working counterproductive to reestablishing that trust.
I would take a long close look and decide if you really want to continue this relationship.
All the best.
(On July 3rd, 2007 at 8:55 am)
Dear Ron,
After a devastating break up, lines of communication in my relationship are open to my surprise. I'm not saying that it's fix, far from that. However, trust and respect is broken. And, there is still anger in her voice.
What happen was a night of careless drinking on my part followed my rude insults and demeaning comments to her. this was not the first time and she had enough. after 4 months, I approach her yet i feel i get this jackel/hyde from her. one moment, she is ok and the next she is angry and highly stressed.
I've been doing all i can to better myself and not drink and improve my self such as working out and taking therapy for my issues. My question for you is how do I begin to gain her trust and respect back. Let her know that I'm trying but having her "listen" to that.
thanks.
tony.
(On July 3rd, 2007 at 3:13 pm)
My husband is deployed and while he was in training I found some incriminationg emailsf rom a girl he works with. I confronted him with it and he kept telling me it was a joke that she was messing around with his friend. I ended up going to see him right beofre he left and we had a great time. He promised not to talk to her anymore.
Well, while he was home on R & R I found out that he was still emailing her from a hotmail account that I did not know he had. Well, he came h ome and let me read the emails. Granted there was nothing about Imiss you or can't wait to see you but it bothered me because he lied to me.
Well, he left and we had talked everything over. It still bothered me. So I emailed the girl and she reassured me nothing was going on and that they were just friends and even went as far as to invite me to go get coffee so we could talk face to face about it. He keeps insisitng that I am the only one he wants. While he was home nothing was unusual between us, everything was the same.
Some people think I am jumping to conclusions because I really have no proof of anything. What should I do?
(On July 5th, 2007 at 7:15 pm)
Tony,
I understand your frustration and commend you for taking the time to work things out with your partner, especially going to therapy. You are doing the right thing, and working out is an excellent way to handle frustration.
At this point, all you can really do is have patience. It takes time for women to rebuild trust, and as long as she continues to see the changes in you, it will be restored. However, this doesn’t occur over night (though sometimes we wish it did), but if you continue down the path that you are on, the trust will be restored. I am sure that she is "listening" more than you realize. However, she is listening with her eyes, by watching what you do. The more she sees that you’ve changed, the more it will sink in, and her "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" attitudes will change as well.
Hang in there, you’re doing a great job.
(On July 5th, 2007 at 7:27 pm)
Dear Tara,
I understand your suspicions, and it wasn’t right for your husband to hide the email account, however he did let you read the emails. It is a complicated matter since you don’t have any solid evidence to go on.
My advice is to take the woman up on her offer and go out for coffee with her. You may be able to find out more about her feelings towards your husband if you are out with her face to face. She offered, so why not go?
This will also give you the chance to share your feelings and concerns. He is your husband, not hers and in my opinion, you have every right to expect that your husband stop emailing her.
I would also be curious to know how your husband’s reaction is when you tell him that the two of you are going out for coffee together. If he becomes hesitant and thinks it’s a bad idea, that could signify that he is hiding something.
However, there is another possibility. It may be that your husband isn’t interested in her, but that she is interested in your husband. If that is the case, then I would make sure that while you were enjoying your coffee, to firmly tell her to back off.
(On July 6th, 2007 at 6:43 am)
Hi Ron,
Thanks very much for responding to my previous message. It means a lot to have such an intelligent, impartial reponse as I've been having a hard time battling between my head and heart.
His moment of 'weakness' in the chatroom was down to low self-esteem, according to him. He has a high sexual drive towards fantasising about 2 women and this is the sort of stimulation he was seeking in the chatroom - we used to fantasise a lot together but the more serious our relationship became the less inclined I was to include a hypothetical third party - I didn't cut it out but simply reduced the amount of times we introduced it. However, he was missing this and felt that he shouldn't approach me about it because it wasn't worth my time or attention - low self esteem - and decided, he said, selfishly, to pursue it in the chatroom. After he sent the photo to the women he found, there was a technical problem and she didn't receive it and the cyber $ex never took place. He claimed he then logged off and realised it was the wrong thing to do. However, the intention was there - and therein lies the deceipt, in my view.
He has signed up to see a counsellor about his theory of low self esteem and claims he will never lie to me again.
I'm still confused about what to do. I am worried that if I make the effort to rebuild trust it will be for nothing.
Thanks for listening - any comments are most welcome as I haven't spoken to anyone about this,
Annie
(On July 10th, 2007 at 7:58 pm)
I was recently dumped by a woman that I really loved.
It all started when I went to a bar I frequent and saw her there with a large group of people that she has been drinking with for the last few months. One of her guy friends grabbed her arm in a flirtatious manner. I kept my mouth shut at the time because I didn't want to appear crazy in front of her friends and upset her as well. she later told me that that is the way the guy acts and it isn't serious. she also told me i should have said something to him.
after that point i became extremely paranoid and jealous. i browsed the myspace page of one of the guys she hangs out with at the bar and she had left a couple comments. one was "you gotta dance with me out at the beach friday night."
i confronted her about it and made up a story that one of her friends had told me she cheated on me with this guy. she assured me nothing happened, and i believed her.
things went very well for a few months after this until she came to my house one night after a night of drinking at a bar. we were making love and she received a text from a guy named mike (someone who had recently joined her "drinking gang" at the bar). i got extremely upset and asked her who that was and she lied, telling me it was an old friend.
i managed to log in to her myspace because i had seen her type her password a few weeks prior. i saw messages from this guy, telling her they should have alone time to have deep conversation, and she agreed saying they should hang out more.
she even said her son was cute and "looked like her daddy."
i confronted her about it and told her i had looked at her myspace. she called me a creep and a psycho and refuses to talk to me. it seems that she was upset and felt guilty that i caught her talking to this guy. she said i shouldn't have invaded her privacy, but i had to go with my gut feeling.
do you think she cheated? do you think she really loved me? i thought the relationship was great and i felt that she meant it when she said she loved me.
i truly love her and i want to be with her. should i give it time? i've been having these thoughts of being away for her for a couple years then contacting her again to see if we can rekindle something. i need your advice!
(On July 13th, 2007 at 12:22 am)
Hi Jess,
I’m sorry for the difficult time you are going through. You were right to feel suspicious; she was spending a lot of time with other people. It seems that maybe she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship with you. You mentioned that you saw her at the bar with her friends and she was talking to the guy that caused you to feel suspicious. It seems that she really enjoys her space, her privacy, and her social activities.
I know it hurts, but I think this separation is for the best. I believe that there is a level of privacy that should be maintained in a healthy relationship, but when someone needs a large amount of privacy, that may mean they are not ready to make a serious commitment.
It may be difficult, but I feel the best thing is to let her go and move on. Wait for the woman who is ready to open her life to you completely, trust me, you will be much happier in that relationship, then in one where you are constantly wondering what is going on behind your back.
Good luck.
(On July 21st, 2007 at 6:11 am)
My fiance and I have been arguing over the seating arrangements for the reception at our wedding on August 4th, 2007. It started with my mother insisting that she wanted assigned seating and we wanted open seating. Long story short, it is now at the point that my mother is happy with a few reserved tables on both sides. I like the idea as well because I think that having my out of town guests (im in ohio and i have several from CA) get a seat close to us as well. My fiance insists that he can't chose just some of his family to sit close and that its not proper. Earlier this week, after I had 3 nervous breakdowns, one where I couldn't breathe and I almost went to the ER, he kept telling me that he would do whatever I wanted because he knew how much stress I was under. He even said he was flexible with whatever decision. However, he is clearly not. I have been walking around on eggshells lately just trying not to make him mad. We got into a really heated argument about this last night and I called his Aunt to get some advice. I knew that he would not like this, but he would not listen to my side during the argument. he told me that my side did not make sense. After I got his Aunt's wise advice which sounded like a good compromise and good solution, I told him that I had called her. Now he is FURIOUS that i did this because now there will be uncomfortableness between him and his aunt. I didn't do this to hurt him. I just thought this argument was so stupid that we just needed some good advice from someone outside the emotions. Now I really don't know what to do. He won't speak to me. He almost left the house last night but I begged him to stay. He slept on the couch last night and refuses to say anything at all to me. I love him so much and I don't want to call things off, however, I think that is the path that he going to. I told him I was sorry a million times and that i did break his trust, but I also gave him my reasons for it. I dont' want to lose him. What should i do? —needs help NOW
(On July 23rd, 2007 at 8:23 am)
Hi Amanda,
I understand how much stress you are under. Planning a wedding is the biggest day of your life, a dream come true. However, it doesn’t take much to watch the dream become a nightmare. Well meaning family members, seating arrangements, and emotional triggers can take over and cause you and your fiancé to lose sight of what’s most important - your love.
First, I would like to offer my advice with the hopes that it is well received and will see you two begin your life together in peace, joy, and love. With that said, I would like to suggest that you and your fiancé make the decisions for your wedding together - not his aunt, or your mother. Some men in general have no interest in having a say in these matters, and are fine leaving all of the details to the bride-to-be. However, it doesn’t sound as if your fiancé is one of those men.
It sounds as if he has valid reasons for feeling that his opinion is being overlooked and possibly ignored. You will be spending your life with him, not your mother or his aunt. Though I understand your reasons for calling his Aunt and seeking her advice, you hurt your fiancés feelings by not working through the problem with him. Also, he hurt your feelings when he wouldn’t listen to you, and told you that your side didn’t make sense. There is an obvious lack of communication between the two most important people in the wedding - the future bride and groom.
I suggest that you work out this issue before you commit to walking down the aisle. I also suggest that you and your fiancé determine how much of an influence family members will have in your relationship. Remember, it is you and your fiancé that will be spending your lives together. If that means family members need to take a back seat then that is the proper place where they belong. If family members are already coming in between your relationship, it will only get worse once you are married.
It can be a difficult decision to make, but family members must have certain boundaries when it comes to a new relationship. Sometimes, the best mistakes are the ones that are made by you and your husband together, even when older family members have given wise counsel. It is a difficult decision to make, to trust your husband (or vice versa) when well-meaning family members are giving advice, but they are not the ones you are marrying.
For a marriage to work, there has to be a partnership between both parties. I believe that you and your fiancé have a choice to make, and some serious issues to look at before walking down the aisle.
Together you need to set the boundary line, and come to a conclusion regarding how much influence family members will have in your relationship. You and your fiancé must find a way to communicate and discuss these issues. If not, then I highly suggest you put the wedding on hold.
(On August 2nd, 2007 at 7:30 am)
I too have a similar issue going on. My boyfriend of 4 years and fiance for 2yrs just recently was exposed cheating on me with some girl off the internet. He has been cheating for about 6months online with her and just recently started to meet with her. Before I busted him. I was deeply hurt because of his actions and all of his lies. But also because we have a son together that is turning 2 and one on the way, along with a brand new house, two new cars and a career. I was shocked to hear him say that he wanted to leave us and be single so he could date other women.(Quoting that he was never able to be single and do whatever he wanted) We have been together since he was 19 and I was 22. We had planned to get married this September and had paid for almost everything when I caught him cheating and I called off the wedding. He says that he is sorry that he fell out of love with me and that he is willing to work out our issues but just not right now. He says he wants to be alone and needs me to focus on myself and not our relationship (quote get back to the way I was before I met him). But I dont think he understands that if I dont have any clarity on our relationship how am I going to be able to move on with my own life. I really love him and I have forgiven him for is infidelity and for crashing my wedding dreams I do agree that we did move our relationship a bit fast but he has had four years to speak up about his feelings long before we had kids involved, mortgages and finances, and before I quit my executive job. I cant help but to feel as if I have been cheated in this whole situation but I have taken responsiblity for my part in this whole thing and I have even gone as far as trying to get counseling and praying about it. but he seems to me as if he isnt wanting to reconcile at all. He told me that he had been trying and that he fell out of love with me last year after he told me to quit my career job to stay at home with his son. I quit my job thinking it was making him happy to be the provider for the family but I now look back and realize that was a bad choice on my part. Because it just did the opposite. I want to work it out but is it worth it if he is so hell bent on being single and leaving his family?
(On August 2nd, 2007 at 10:38 am)
Hi Ron,
My issue is not complex, just tiresome. It starts by saying I did not have the best childhood. My father cheated on my mother multiple times with women over the internet and which caused some deep rooted trust issues down the road for my sister and I.
I'm in a serious relationship, which I have damaged due to this fact. A few weeks ago, I stumbled (yes, by accident) upon some incriminating evidence that my partner was looking at a girl's pictures daily. She's a good looking girl, who lives about 100 miles away where his best friend lives and he visits quite frequently (he has never met this girl in person). After confronting him, not in a hostile way, just in a way to find answers and understanding, he immediately got angry for looking through his computer. Once I explained my process of stumbling upon it, he said he understood but was still very angry. He was also unable to explain looking at the girl's pictures, except to say that it was nothing.
A few weeks later, still feeling uneasy about this situation, especially since he plans to visit his friend in a couple of weeks, I noticed his email was left logged into on his computer while I was staying at his apartment using it. Although I knew it was wrong to snoop, I couldnt resist but to prepare myself for the worst and look. He was in fact emailing the girl, simply asking about different places to go while visiting his friend, but at the same time kept it from me that they were even in contact. In fact, he blatently lied to me when I asked him.
Feeling guilty about going through his email, I came clean the next day, explaining only that I knew what I did was wrong but that my trust issues came in the way of my rational thinking.
Since this is my second time doing this in his eyes, he is having a hard time trusting me. Although we have talked and both decided that we want to make the relationship work, I feel like as the days go by, its only harder to deal with. (this happened only about 3 days ago).
At this point, I do not know what to do. Is our relationship irrepairable because of my actions? Help!
(On August 3rd, 2007 at 1:46 am)
Hi Toshia,
I am so sorry for all of the pain you are experiencing. I think it is just awful how he is treating you, especially since you are pregnant. However, I think that you are better off without him. He made this decision, not you. It isn’t your fault and you sound like a brilliant woman who can make it without him. It may be difficult, but it will be worth it. He is very selfish to not only cheat on you while you are pregnant, but he asked you to give up your job and stay home, you did that. Now he thinks that he can play the field and leave you waiting in the wings until he decides what he wants to do. That is absurd.
He doesn’t deserve to have you as a "possibility" in the future. He has blown it big time, and you don’t have to put up with it. I would let him go and make sure that he pays you child support.
You said that you went to counseling and prayed about the situation, God works in mysterious ways, and the end of this relationship, may just be the answer to your prayers. Any man who will cheat on you while you are pregnant not only has no respect for you, but also has no respect for your unborn baby. You did your best to create a family with him, but he wasn’t satisfied.
Let him go and I am sure that you’ll find happiness. Concentrate on your babies, and make sure that he legally gives you the financial support that you deserve. Also, make sure that you let the judge know that he insisted that you give up your job. The judge may award you money to become reestablished, even though you aren’t married. You still have children together.
Take care and let me know what happens.
(On August 3rd, 2007 at 1:51 am)
Hi Alicia,
First, let me say that you did absolutely nothing wrong. The only person guilty here is your partner. I suspect he has laid a heavy guilt trip on you for looking at his emails, but he needs to realize that his emailing her behind your back is wrong. You are not irrational for looking through his emails when you caught him in a lie.
The person who has broken trust and committed possible irreparable damage to the relationship is him, not you. You have every right to suspect that he is planning on seeing this girl when he visits his friend. Has he invited you to go with him for the trip?
The signs are great that he is cheating or is planning on cheating, and you have every right to find out the truth. I wouldn’t apologize to him one more time for looking through his computer. Has he apologized to you for talking to this girl behind your back?
If he wants to work things out, then I would make certain that he cuts off all contact with this other girl. If he doesn’t then I think it is obvious that he has damaged the relationship and has no intent on fixing it, or reassuring you of his feelings for you.
I hope this turns out in your favor, please keep me posted on what happens.
(On August 6th, 2007 at 12:58 am)
hi ron, this is gonna be a long one..
i was in the process of breaking up with my ex when i met a girl at my job. i was completely taken by her and fell head over heals in love with her… the problem was that i was still with my ex, the mother of my kids.. i lied to my ex about her and lied to her about my ex, i basically told her my ex and i had broken up when it was not so..at least not yet..
the girl and i carried a relationship for almost a year b4 it blew up in my face…my ex and i finally broke up and the girl and i continue to stay together trying to work things out…
i just found out recently that she was cheating on me via internet with a guy who lives out of town.. she told the guy that we werent together, that we werent serious,that she lived alone, all of which was false..(we moved in together)
she went on elaborate lie and until i spoke to the guy and confronted her she continued to lie.the guy apologized to me and tols me i was with someone who was decietful.. now since i had lied to her i tried to put it past me and try to make things work cause i loved her… now recently i found out that she slept with another guy a couple mths into our relationship.. she claims that she was drunk and he raped her, and she didnt remeber anything till he approached about t 2 mths l8r.. i find this very hard to believeand its killing me inside because her and i arew having a baby together and we just broke up over this..reason why is that when i lied to her about my ex, when she stipulated to me that i had to tell my ex in front of her that i wanted to be with her i did it to save our relationship, she also stipulated that she talk to my ex ad i didnt go against that either.. i did everything i had to, to keep her and make her have peace with mind, now i ask the same of her and she wont do it… her excuse is that she says i will do something to the guy.. i am a man that will never do something as stupid, but i feel that for our relationship to continue i need peace of mind by knowing who the guy is.. she wont even let me know who he is…am i wrong for that? i have the feeling that there is more to this story than she is telling me.. why is she preferring to not be with me than let me know who this guy is?
i basically told her that unless i know who he is i couldnt be with her because i need to know so i can have peace of mind.. she refuses and says she'd rather not be with me than tell me who he is…how come i have to give in to her for her peace of mind and she cant do the same.. we r having a baby together and im in so much pain over this.. isnt our relationship important enough that she would do whatever it took to give me peace of mind? im thinking that she was a willing participant and doesnt want to tell me and doesnt want the guty to tell me.. i cant be with her and have this over my head… i love her so much but unless she tells me who the guy is our relationship is completely done…she had the oppurtunity to confront the woman i was with aside from her.. why cant i do the same? she prefers to not be with me cause she says im gonna do something to him.. thats a weak excuse cause why would i do something to a guy who slept with her and she was willing? she denies that but wont give me the evidence for peace of mind.. should i just let this ride and move on?? i already have but wanted a different opinion… i cant and i wont be with her unless i see this guy and speak to him.. i need to know what happened, the same way she had the chance to when the show was on the other foot….there is an unborn baby involved in this… why is she so gung-ho about me not meeting =,seeing,or talking to this guy?? are my suspicions the right one? plz help…
(On August 8th, 2007 at 4:23 am)
Dear Ron
I have been with my partner for almost 2 years now. We moved in together last June. Before we started seeing each other we had an affair which lasted for over a year. Over all, we have known each other for almost 7 years. Recently, I have dealt a double blow to her trust and love, and I am at a loss. I have been trying to rebuild the trust but I don't seem to making any progress.
While we were having an affair, I had a flirtatious relationship with another woman (whom I had known a little at university) by email. We never met because she lived hundreds of miles away. When my partner and I got together, she asked me to break off contact with this other woman and I did. Some time passed. In February or March of this year, the distant woman emailed me out of the blue. And I replied. As a result, an email correspondence began. It was on friendly terms only and contained none of the flirtation that had consituted our relationship before. The correspondence came to light and, of course, my partner was furious.
However, this is not all. By way of introduction, let me say that I draw considerable erotic satisfaction from imagining my partner with another woman or women. We have frequently fantasised about group encounters of this kind. A typical fantasy would make her, or at least her actions within the fantasy, the centre of attention; I am merely another participant. Because of the satisfaction this gives, it became a staple of our sex life. Unfortunately, after a while, my partner became uncomfortable with it. She felt that the other woman was becoming more and more signficant, particularly because, when she noticed a woman she found attractive in my absence, I would ask for a description. For me, it was just about completing the visual aspect of the fantasy; for her it seemed more like an inappropriate re-direction of my desire to the other woman's body. To cut to the end, she asked that we significantly reduce the number of such fantasies, and because of her discomfort, they stopped altogether. After a while, I became frustrated. I needed the stimulation of the fantasy and was unable to conjure it by myself. So, instead of doing the sensible and mature thing, and raising the issue with my partner, I went into a chat room behind her back and tried to find someone to fantasise with. The woman I found wanted my photograph, which I sent, but while she was waiting to receive it, I got cold feet and shut down the computer. My partner found the photograph in my Sent Items.
The combination of these two events has had a terrible detrimental effect on our relationship. It has all but destroyed it. My partner is devastated, unsurprisingly. And the ambiguity of our situation before our relationship started in earnest may have contributed to a general sense of unease. I have tried hard to understand why I did these things and have reached the conclusion that it was a result of low self esteem, which in turn caused a lack of moral fibre, an inability to hold to the values that I know are right.
So far, I have tried hard to show my love for my partner and behave in a consistently supportive manner; I have not always succeeded as the strain of our relationship tumbling has been hard to bear at times, as well as the remorse I feel for causing so much damage. I have tried to behave in a consistent manner, to reassure my partner, to help her when I can with anything she is doing, and to show here that I am on her side, and to remind her what I am really like, I suppose. I have organised daytrips, done her favours (that I would normally do but perhaps have not kept to so often recently), told her that I love her as often as I can. I even cut off all my female friends, so that there was no chance I could begin any inappropriate kind of correspondence with any of them again, even though I had never had feelings for most of them (though I should say that I had had feelings for two of them years before).
However, nothing I have done seems to be able to break down the wall that has gone up between us. She watches me all the time in public, to see if my eyes lead to other women; she checks my email; she is tense and unhappy. And it is all my fault.
My question for you is, in there anything more I can do? I am not well off, so extravagant holidays and gifts are problematic, and I have read elsewhere that it is not constructive to do things now which will not be the norm in the future. Please help me if you can, with any advice at all about how I can reach her. I very much want to repair the damage I have done so that the relationship can begin to grow again.
Yours
Howard
(On August 8th, 2007 at 12:06 pm)
Hi Kickasteel,
I think that you are being fair and reasonable in wanting to know who the other guy is. You also have the right to expect the same type of treatment that you gave her. I agree with you that there is something deeper going on. I would also question whether or not you are the baby’s father. Do you think there is a possibility the other guy may be the baby’s daddy? I would request a paternity test after the baby’s born to make sure.
Unfortunately, there is very little you can do. She is making these decisions to keep this man’s identity a secret from you. I believe that the trust in your relationship has been greatly damaged and needs counseling to be repaired. If she isn’t willing to try counseling, then I think you are wise to break off the relationship.
Either way, I would definitely have a paternity test taken.
Good Luck
(On August 8th, 2007 at 1:56 pm)
Dear Howard,
You are victim of a cycle that snares many relationships. Though many people may state that open relationships, swinging, or group sexual encounters are healthy for a relationship, the truth is that they are not. There is something that seems to be innately bred within a person that leads them to a one-on-one relationship.
Though fantasies look alluring, they are just that, “fantasy”. They are unrealistic images that in turn detract from the love two people share in reality. Your partner is a living witness of how emotionally damaging fantasy and group encounters can become.
There have been group sex partners that co-existed for decades, only for one day to turn away from one partner and become a duo.
The element of jealousy is inescapable in this type of situation. Of course, the fantasy never shows that aspect. Women are innately sensitive and seek exclusive relationships. It is the inner thread that weaves the relationship. No matter if they were willing, or sexually excited at the participation and group sex, whether in fantasy or reality, every instance will pull on that thread and eventually, the relationship will unravel.
There is another aspect to this situation that is sad. The mind plays a vital role in sex, and your mind has been programmed to be stimulated by group sex. It isn’t impossible to work through those images and begin to retrain your mind on being sexually stimulated by your partner alone, but it will be a struggle and cause a lot of determination on your part.
This is what your partner wants. Even though she participated in the fantasies, she is distraught to learn that she is not the center of your life, or the focus of your fantasies. No matter what women say, they want to be the only woman in their man’s life.
Of course your relationship can be repaired. However, since you both were so open about creating fantasies together, why not be equally open sexually with one another to undo the fantasies.
I suggest that you explore each other’s sexuality without the use of fantasy. By spending time together in a therapeutic way, by engaging in frequent intimate sexual time together, you can undo the damage.
If you are having difficulties being aroused sexually without the use of the fantasies, let her know and ask her to work through it with you. There is no excuse not to be open with her in this area, since you were both actively engaged in sharing group sex fantasies together.
I do have one piece of advice. If you want to make this relationship work, you will have to stop the group sex fantasies. Since she is so aware that you are doing this, and you were compelled to seek someone on the Internet behind her back, there is good indication that you have a sexual addiction.
You may want to seek therapy, or work through the addiction with your partner. I truly believe that between the two of you, you have the skill and tools needed to move forward and enjoy a wonderful relationship that focuses solely on the two of you.
(On September 17th, 2007 at 4:22 pm)
hi,
I've been in a committed relationship now for about 3 years. Initially, our love life was very strong, but within a matter of months, things declined. This may be very embarrassing, but I think it matters in getting a fair response… I tended to look at adult web sites rather frequently (once or twice a day) for quite a while, and it had become a programmed part of my life, I guess it helped to clear my mind and relieve any anxiety. So THAT caused many explosions in between myself and my (hopefully still) girlfriend.
We've lived together now for a little over a year, and she recently caught me sending an email to a girl i dated years ago, but had since reduced to very sparse internet-based correspondence. I feel that I've had trouble letting go of that past relationship, and now she's asked me to stay somewhere else for a few days. I'm absolutely crushed… I feel like I deserve to be feeling this way due to my actions. Due to my inability to let go of the past and move on with an open heart. I love my girlfriend dearly and really want this to work out, but I can't be certain things will work out.
I tended to make little quirks of hers seem like the catalyst for my behavior, when I should have been looking within myself to understand what the problems are within ME, rather than projecting responsibility on to her. I don't really know what I'm looking for here… I guess anything would be great. I'm afraid that my fear of letting go, and seemingly subconscious testing her with my damaging actions, has ruined something very beautiful. I'm working on completely letting go, but cutting any ties I have with any relationships from my past, and realizing that memories, and the feelings that accompany them, are in the past, and are no longer real. I want very much to repair this damage to our relationship, and truly let go of the feelings cropping up from the past. I feel very lost, and alone, and anxiously await a reply… Thank you.
(On September 19th, 2007 at 4:25 pm)
Hi Patrick,
I commend you for taking responsibility for your actions. I only have one simple comment. After reading your post, I feel that the best course of action would be for you to tell your girlfriend everything that you put in this post. Have you shared these deep feelings with her? If you haven’t, I recommend that you express the same sentiment to her that you shared so eloquently in your comment here. Hopefully, she will relent and the days apart will be enough time for her to decide to give you a second chance.
(On October 9th, 2007 at 8:39 am)
Hello,
My name is Robert Pacelli. I am having relationship problems I don't know how to deal with. My girlfriend hung out with the wrong type of people before she met me and her reputation is ruined. Her friends are do drugs and drink and they are underage. Is it wrong to tell her that they are not the right type of people to hang out with. She says she had so much fun with them before, but that is the past. I think that if you are in a relationship you should not be hanging out with those types of people, lets say that they had a party and she was there. There could be boys that do something to her and I would be devasted. Drunk people can not control what they do. I am not saying do not talk to them just don't hang out with them outside of school perhaps. We are also having trust issues, I swear I have never done anything with another women, I love her too much. Her old boy friend was a terrible person. He cheated on her, and ditched her, and lied. He ruined her life in a way. I mean I am guilty too. I lied about something so stupid, but it was nothing serious. She thinks that I am her old boyfriend. I don't think that is just. I am a different person. Everyone has a flaw, we are human. I do not know what to do?
(On October 9th, 2007 at 3:34 pm)
Hi Robert,
Have you ever heard of the old saying…birds of a feather tend to flock together? Well your girlfriend is no exception. On one hand, she may be just like them, and you may be going through some sort of denial. Trust me, don't go down this road. There may be a lot of wonderful qualities about her, but don't get too comfortable seeing her through just googly eyes.
Your friends can serve as a wonderful resource and they can tell you a lot about a person…especially when it comes to things that you may not notice; don't shirk them off as just a dent on her reputation. On the other hand, maybe she's outgrown the 'bad bunch' and will eventually recognize that she needs to start to fly with a new flock, and 'voila', they are no longer your problem.
But in both cases, there must be patience and a real analysis of why you even really love her - sometimes we can mix up our feelings of love; there’s a fine line between the idea of being in love and actually being in love. As for the trust issues, previous relationships – especially the troublesome ones, leave many people with their guard up. Try to be understanding and give her some time to get comfortable around you. Make a point of it to let her know that you are willing to be there for her. In the end, she may or may not come around…at which point you’ll know exactly what to do. As for the Ex - by all means leave him out of all conversations and kindly ask her to do so as well. Communication is key when it comes to trust so make sure the lines are clear.
(On October 10th, 2007 at 8:09 am)
Thank you Ron,
We dated for over 2 years and people were telling me that she was not the greatest person. People would tell me that she was not who I saw her as, and I put my friends comments to the side. It took me to now to realize what they were saying. I wanted to help her so much to change that she started to change me. I got a lot of advice on this topic and everyone says the same thing that if it was meant to be then it will happen. So I went over her house yesterday to try and talk to her about it. She flipped out and told me to give up I never had a chance. So I went home and I admit I was really hurt because you care for someone so much and you realize that she does not feel the same way. But I talked to my friends about it and they are helping me out. So she tried calling me last night to appolige cause she found out I was telling the truth. I was like yeah but she made me sound like her ex boyfriend to her parents. I don't think we can ever be like that again because she does not trust me enough and she will not give up her bad friends. I talked to my friends about it and they said that right now might be the time to take a break. Explore other people and see if she is the right person for me. I don't know what to do about it. I love her, but I think she needs to realize what I have done for and how it will be without me so she can appreciate what I have done for her. What do you think?
(On November 5th, 2007 at 2:40 pm)
hello, i was just wondering if bringing up past mistakes to my husband ( he did some things before we were married that i am just now finding out about)will only work against me. I keep finding little lies that he told me about a year ago when he claims he was "freaking out" prior to marrying me.(he proposed to ME keep in mind) he emailed and called an ex girlfriend, called a coworker and went out to a dance club that he told me was only a dinner function ( that club does not serve dinner). He knows i know about all this and keeps telling me he was just freaking out about marriage and his feeling for me. I have found all this out now and looked through emails and phone records and have not found anything suspicious since we were married, he tells me he is absolutely committed and loves me ever more and is really very loving and affectionate and treats me well. problem is, i cannot stop obsessing over his past when i thought things were great and wonderful and he was out catting around. we also are physically separated for a year right now while he attends a special school and so the trust issue is tearing me apart. will i do more damage if i keep bringing up the past or should i just accept that he was going thru something and now appears to be OK.?? He writes me sweet letters and phones me everyday and appears to be in this totally, but he appeared that way when we were engaged too and look what he was doing then. ??? Help i am having trouble dealing with the past lies and betrayal of trust.
(On November 11th, 2007 at 4:08 pm)
Dear Jodi,
Not having trust in your relationship and constantly bringing up the past may cause problems in your relationship.
You have already stated that since your marriage, you have not found anything suspicious, but still you continue to have doubts.
Since I can only go by your comments, it's hard to tell what type of discussion you had with your husband. Were you honest in telling him how his unfaithfulness made you feel? Did his explanation make you feel that he was truly sorry? If not, did you express those feelings?
Building trust and feeling that you can trust in a marriage after someone has been unfaithful is not just a quick apology, sweep under the rug kind of fix.
Your feelings are valid and when I say that I don't mean that he may be cheating. I mean that they need to be validated.
Tell your husband without being accusatory how you are feeling. If you don't feel comfortable doing so, then seek counseling. Your trust issues could be warranted, but they could also stem from anger, resentment, not knowing how to forgive and let go or even from past hurts that have nothing to do with your husband.
Seeking counseling would be beneficial to you and your husband. Sometimes the problem is beyond our fixes and we need an intervention. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
(On November 19th, 2007 at 7:17 pm)
Hi
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. In that time he has lied to me several times about (non-sexual) encounters with other women. The most damaging of these deceptions occurred within the first year of our relationship, when he went on a trip with some of his close friends. His ex-girlfriend (the one he saw directly before me- he ended it with her in order to be with me in fact) was there as well. I didn't find out until months after they returned, and even then it wasn't him who told me, but a mutual friend who happened to be on the trip. My boyfriend purposefully left out that key bit of information.
Though I am sure that he didn't cheat on me with her, his lie hurt me and damaged my trust in him in a big way. Up until that point I was not jealous, or mistrusting of him at all.
Since that deception, he has lied by omission several times. He has a pattern of not mentioning females who were with him, and not telling me about female friends he had, so that when I did find out about them eventually, I was extremely surprised and upset (especially since he had promised not to lie anymore). Once again, I am certain that he did not do anything sexual with any of these females, but the deception is enough to leave me feeling shaken and mistrusting.
It is partially my fault, I am sure, because since his first couple of lies, I have become insecure, jealous, and paranoid. I don't feel like we have a solid foundation and I always worry that he may be keeping other women from me.
I feel as though he planted a seed of doubt in my mind, and I have taken to nurturing it into a full-blown, dangerous, relationship-destroying plant. He has apologized endlessly for his numerous deceptions, and tried to reassure me that he does not want to cheat or anything.
As far as I know his last "lie" was in January/February (a minor one where he didn't disclose his blossoming friendship with a girl he associated with at University) and he has been honest since. Yet I cannot bring myself to trust him and I periodically get insecure and feel uncomfortable enough that I ask him if he's keeping anything from me. Of course he says that he is being honest. I think that he is being honest, but I have nagging doubts.
They are slowly destroying my relationship with the man I love. How do I get over his indiscretions?
Please please help me. I feel insane with insecurity and jealousy.
(On November 20th, 2007 at 3:12 pm)
Hi May,
That is a very long time to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust. It can be painful and very stressful.
Often we need to really sit back, stop the other voices and really think about why we are feeling these insecurities.
If someone is constantly lying to you and omitting things, then your feelings are definitely valid. However, you do say that you feel he is no longer lying and that you also believe (for certain) he has not been sexually unfaithful to you.
If that is true and you believe these are just friends, then where are the insecurities, paranoia and jealousy coming from? Since I don't know the whole story of why he left his ex-girlfriend for you, could that possibly be in the back of your mind? What I mean is– do you have a fear that he will leave you exactly the way he left her?
In a relationship where there is mutual trust, each of you should be able to have friends that are the opposite sex. If you feel that he is not telling you about these friends because he is worried about your jealousy, then that is a serious problem and you need to tell him how you feel. Hopefully he will respect and