Comments on: Repairing Broken Trust In Your Relationship

By: Rachel

Rachel — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:40:37 +0000

Jill:

I am glad that you are working things through with your fiance and that I may have been of some assistance. I am, however, merely a respondent to this venue, seemingly one of the fiew. This is not my site, nor do I have a degree in psychology. The only thing I can offer is years of experience and wisdom of age.
I was once very naiive about men. I used to think that they were just like us, but found out that they think differently, feel differently (often not nearly as deeply as women)and they experience the same situations differently than we do, especially those experiences involving sex. For instance, I have learned that most men are able to look at sex as purely recreational with absolutely no attachment to the person they are having sex with and are quick to "stretch the truth" about such experiences when they are in supposed "committed" relationships where it is understood that having sex outside the relationship is unacceptable. Some women do that too, but for the most part mother nature has imbued in us selectivity. Because we are maternal, we must first have an established relationship from which sex builds. Monogamy means more to us because we need the man to stick around for our children to protect and defend. We may not be the weaker sex, but we are, at times, more vulnerable, especially when we have children. This knowledge has made me see men in a different light, not worse, just different. I am more cautious as to what I will and will not believe and to whom I will gift my trust.
Regarding your question about "privacy", frankly, I would not know what to say about that, but I do know what I would feel. Again, a good relationship is completely above board, no secrecy. If my partner insisted on his "privacy" I would feel locked out of a part of his life. I would forever be wondering what he is keeping from me. That is not to say that people shouldn't have their personal space and that some time apart, once in a while, is a good thing.
I will leave you with one parting comment, which has helped me a lot in the past. Don't worry about issues you have no control over. We have no control over what anyone else thinks, says or does, including those closest to us. Take things at face value…You do have control over what YOU think, feel and say.

By: Jill

Jill — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 23:52:53 +0000

Rachel,
I wouldn't have asked if he saw her, because it wouldn't have crossed my mind. He honestly thinks it is no big deal but he does now see why I think it is. I read him both of our entries and he as very quiet through the whole thing. It really helped to have him see it from another perspective, and know I wasn't convincing a friend to be on my side. Im not sure I agree with you about him hiding things because he really is an open book and we are ALWAYS together – work together, share a car, eat together etc etc. so I'm not worried about that.

What do you say to people who battle over the "I still need my privacy" deal? I understand, people need time for themselves and perhaps journals are very personal thoughts but I don't think diaries of events, daily activities, family dreams/goals should be private matters and they certainly shouldn't include mystery about who ate lunch or dinner with who that day. How do you adress this in a way that shows you are not being posessive and it's not that you dont trust your partner – for example for me, I just want my fiance' and I to be healthy, emotionally close and intimate. I dont want to check up on him but I do want to be able to support and care for him and sometimes, we need to get involved in their private stuff to do that.

I am so glad I found your site and appreciate all of your insight and wisdom. If I had said those things, they wouldn't have been received as well (at least not so quickly) I can't thank you enough for helping us learn form this seemingly minute incident but potentially DANGEROUS DISASTER!!!

By: Rachel

Rachel — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 19:45:29 +0000

JP,

If you wouldn't have snooped you wouldn't have known that your fiance was seeing his x-girlfriend behind your back. If he considers this a "mess" then its of his own doing. If you would have asked him if he had seen her, would he have told you the truth? I think not. I think men generally underestimate the power of women's intuition. We sense when something is wrong and most women will want to see for themselves if their feelings are valid. If when you talk to your fiance he keeps returning to your part in it, tell him that you felt that this was the only way you felt you could find out the truth and that you wouldn't have snooped at all if he were being up-front and honest about it with you in the first place. There is no "privacy" in marriage. If there is, there is suspicion. In a healthy relationship EVERYTHING is out in the open, no secrets, what you see is what you get. I believe that your fiance is hiding more than he lets on. I may be wrong, but I'm sorry to say that experience tells me otherwise. You need to know what you will and will not live with and spell it out for him under no uncertain terms. This is important since your future is at stake.

By: Jill

Jill — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:38:57 +0000

Rachel
THANK YOU!!…but,
I was afraid you would say that. I do know he told me everything during the first go-round….He told her he did not want to jeopardize either of their current relationships – but she wanted that secret meeting, which he did not go to….but didn't approach her about it – He just ignored it and according to him that was for her to get the hint but we know it could be to keep options open….

Not telling me was a big mistake and emailing her after the run-in is suspicious to me. How can I get him to understand that yes, what I did was wrong AND he was wrong to. All he sees is I invaded his privacy when he was talking to a friend. I need some strong, assertive statements to stand on, while still not being accusatory because he'll just return to my part in the situation, and the fact that we wouldn't be in this mess if I had kept my nose out of it. Yea, right!!

By: Rachel

Rachel — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:48:30 +0000

Hi JP:
Ah, a woman's intuition at work again…You didn't trust the situation and you were right. Someone with nothing to hide would not be as defensive and evasive as your fiance is about the x-girlfriend situation. Perhaps it was wrong to check his messages, however, it was wrong of him to be less than honest with you. This could be the slippery slope to an untrustworthy relationship if you don't nip it in the bud right now. I would have a talk with my fiance if I were you and spell out exactly the way things will have to run from now on (set your boundaries now and stick by them). I would say that he is wellcome to view any emails or face book messges of yours at any time night or day, but that you would require the same of him. I would say that if he really is serious about marriage then things would have to be completely above board at all times. Frankly, if he wouldn't agree to those terms I would give very serious thought about tying the knot with him. This x-girlfriend of his seems to be quite a pistol, being married, pregnant and messing around with other men in a seruptitious way behind everyone's back. You are right not to trust that situation. We all know that there are more than a fiew unscrupilous women out there. What would bother me in all of this is that he is not rejecting her advances, which would lead me to believe that whenever the opportunity presents itself again in the future, the same scenario would be played out. Be careful…and good luck…

By: Jill

Jill — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:37:05 +0000

About 6 months ago, my fiance's ex girlfriend contacted him on MySpace with an extremely inappropriate solicitation. My fiance assumed she was drunk, told me about the message and ignored it. The next day, she sent another message. He responded "How drunk are you as you write this stuff? I don't know what's going on but maybe we could talk." She wrote back – Offer's still on, Holler back if you're serious about meeting up. He told her that while flattered, he is in a relationship and he didn't want to ruin what he and I have or what she has with HER HUSBAND – yes, she's married(and was pregnant at the time). She responed not to worry, she could set everything up so that no one would find out and gave him the time and place to come see her. My fiance told me about the message, ignored it and didn't go to meet her. She kept soliciting him (and my fault in this is that after she asked him to meet her, I checked his messages to see if she was still contacting him). She was so I called her work, it was the only number I had, and told her to back off – he's with someone else and has made his choice. She then emailed him the next day and told him how psychotic I am for calling her at her workplace and harassing her and that if he wasn't interested he should have just said no in the first place.
I did agree with what she said about how he should have just said no, rather than ignoring her and keeping the option out there (in my opinion). And when I told him this, he told me he didn't do anything wrong, I'm the one to blame because I went and looked at his messages and the only thing he is sorry about is that I invaded his privacy and now I have to deal with it.
Well….that all ran it's course and yesterday, God only knows why, I got this feeling there was something I didn't know…so, again, I logged into his account. Sure enough – a message from him to her saying: "I sure hope you aren't still mad at me for how everything went down a few months back. It was good to see you ….you looked so good." My heart sank. It appeared he had seen her and not told me. So, I read her response which said she was not mad and that it was really good to see him too but she hadn't planned to write because his girlfriend is psycho and will trip out!"
So I asked him where he saw her and he said "What?" I said it again and he said "Yea, I saw her, what about it? I said, dont you think that's something you would normally tell me? He said No, I don't have to tell you everything. I said where did you see her. (Silence) I said Well, where? He said at the store. I said, really….I can't beleive you never mentioned it. He said, I forgot, Jill. I said BS – if you forgot you wouldn't have emailed her afterward. By the way, which store….again, silence….I said "What you dont know which store?" He said "Circle K – why does it matter? You going to follow me down there whenever I might be in the area….

My question: How do I accept the responsibility for my part in accessing his account without letting him dismiss his actions because of how I found out. He says, if I trusted him I wouldnt be looking and wouldn't know this. So my other question is, why doesn't he want me to know….is there more than just a chance meeting at store here?

Thank you!
JP

By: Jill

Jill — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:06:58 +0000

Thank you!
JP

By: Terri

Terri — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 23:39:57 +0000

Hey this is to Richard…..I dont know if you resolved the situation with your wife on the matter of the internet situation. I do want to tell you that my b/f just recently hacked into my yahoo account because he had doubts about something and wanted to clear them from his mind.

What he did to our trust by invading my privacy like that cannot be changed. And the constant questions and doubt thats been created between us since just is crazy.

You need to stop,,,,,,if shes gona screw around your not gona stop her. Trust in the fact that shes faithful and if something happens then it does. What if's dont do any of us any good and the constant betrayal of her trust by playing detective is pushing her further away than she probably was to begin with.

Although you said that your giving her what she wants, affection attention etc..you also took that positive feeling that comes along with that, away with the diggin into what shes doing on a constant basis.

Focus on the fact that if your meant to be it will be, and better the strong points in your relationship!!!

Im still working on my anger, as what my bf did just infuriated the living you know what out of me. I feel for both of you guyz!!!

Good luck!!

By: Rachel

Rachel — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 19:07:09 +0000

Hi Chris:

A little over a year ago is when you say you met up with your ex girlfriend and you have had email contact, some of it being inappropriate, if I am understanding this correctly. You didn't mention how long the email contact with your x persisted, but I am assuming not very long after your meeting, which would mean that your wife still doesn't trust after as long as a year. I can understand your wife's feelings and the pain that your actions must have caused, however, no one is perfect. We all have weaknesses at different times in our lives and I believe we should be given a second chance as long as the hurtful behavior doesn't reoccur. Remind your wife that trusting someone is a choice, the same as having faith is making a choice to believe in God. Tell her that although you experienced a time of weakness a year ago, you were strong enough to not let it go beyond a kiss because of the love you feel for your wife. I think couples therapy would be a very positive step in the right direction. I applaud you, being the man, to suggest this since most men shun any kind of counseling. Just make sure it is the right counselor. Some are very good, others not. I hope your wife will come to realize that you are sincere in your tries in making your relationship with her whole again. Good Luck…

By: christopher

christopher — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 15:44:44 +0000

A little over a year ago I met up with an ex girlfriend at a bar and we had a very inappropriate conversation. She ended up kissing me as I left the bar and we were hoping to see each other before i left the area. We continued to send e-mails to each other and some were inappropriate but it sounded like i was physically cheating on her. I know I didnt but now My wife says I am a liar and doesnt believe me on anything. I told her a lie and that something physical happened then i felt guilty and told her that it was a lie a few days later and that i only did that so that she could have what she wanted and we could try to move on from there. She is still mad and still does not believe that al we had was a very inappropriate conversation. I love my wife very much and would do anyting for her and my children. I just want her to trust me again after 7 years of marriage. I need to know how to build that trust. i have suggested couples therapy but I cant go until August at least. I just need to know what I need to do she says she loves me and I love her.

Thanks for your time
chris