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Infidelity is one of the hardest things to go through in a relationship. What may even be worse then finding out that your boyfriend is cheating on you, is wondering if it is happening or not. At first, you may see signs and begin to have doubts. You may even ask if there is someone else. He empathically answers no and assures you that everything is ok, but still you continue to have your doubts. You may even feel as if you are going crazy or feel upset that you don’t trust your boyfriend. Well, before you decide to elicit the help of the “Cheaters” team, here are some things that you can look out for to help determine if in fact, he is cheating on you.
One of the first signs that your boyfriend may be cheating on you is in the area of intimacy and sex. You may find one of two situations; either he may be initiating sex more frequently and trying new things, or he may have a significant lack of interest. Any change in the sexual area of your relationship, coupled with other signs may point to the fact that he is cheating on you. However, it is always important to realize that just because you suspect infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean that he is guilty. Always look for more than one sign and put the pieces together. If he is cheating though, you can be sure that his affection towards you will change. Also, simple signs of intimacy may diminish. This includes kissing, hugging, or simply spending time together.
Another sign of infidelity may be in the form of unusual aggressiveness. If your boyfriend is cheating on you, he may try to cover it up by accusing you or blaming you. He may begin to find fault with everything you do, since he is romancing someone else. If you are fighting a lot more, find that he is blaming you for little things, and has lost an interest in being intimate with you then he may be cheating.
On the reverse, you may find that he feels guilty for his actions and tries to make up for it by being overly generous. He may suddenly start bringing home flowers, candy, cards, and begin acting romantic to cover up his true feelings. If you suspect that he is cheating yet he becomes increasingly apologetic and suddenly develops a romantic side, there is good reason to suspect he is covering his betrayal.
Another important area of concern that can help clue you in as to whether or not he is cheating is his cell phone. If your man suddenly begins to lock you out of his cell phone, there is probable chance that he is cheating. Erasing messages or numbers before you can see them, or just locking you out completely shows that he is hiding something. If you suspect that your boyfriend or husband is cheating, try to get a hold of his cell phone when he isn’t around. If you can get a look at his recently called list or dialed numbers, you may find the answer to your search.
If you do eventually discover that your man has been cheating, you will be faced with some serious decisions. Trust is the most important element in any relationship, and once it has been broken, it can take a very long time to restore the relationship to where the wounded party feels comfortable.
(On June 4th, 2007 at 11:01 am)
I feel that my boyfriend is cheating on me. recently we have been fighting and he has kicked me out of the house on several occations. He was emailing old girls he had had sex with, but thats didn't go far cause I read the messages. I few times he kicked me out he was really trying to get rid of me so he could go on the computer. I have this gut feeling so strong I feel sick all the time. He used to have a picture of me on his cell phone, now he doesn't, and he deletes all his numbers in his phone. I checked his voicemail and heard a girl saying she missed him, but its sounded like she said I different name, maybe it was awrong number. I am so confused I love thi guy, Help!
(On June 13th, 2007 at 11:47 pm)
Of course some of us dont have a proof but only suspicions. I am in a complicated situation because i am currently deployed to Iraq. We met a little while before i left for my deployment and things actually went too far as far as we fell in love and became very close. We discuss everything over the phone or email when we talk to include cheating, our past, what we consider cheating (which is really important because you want to be on a same page when it comes to that aspect), etc. He is a really good man and he told me despite my confession (i cheated a lot before just so i am sure that i am not the only doing dirt, even though i have no proof or a reason to) that he never cheated on his ex's before, but he been cheated on before. Now as far as trust, he gives me unconditional trust unlike me, i am very suspicious, accusing, insecure type even though it have nothing to do with my past bad experiences or looks, etc. To get to the point, i went home on my 2 week leave in a mid deployment and i came across couple of disturbing things. He start hiding his cell phone a lot and i became very suspision. I confronted him and he showed me his cell to accure me that i am the only one that ever came some close to his heart and he dont plan on cheating on me. Now it didnt help much when he had folders of pictures name in his sidekick. Folder of our pics was names 'US', few other folders of his fam and sister and friends and then few folders names with a female names. I got curious abotu folder by name Monique and i asked him about it. He said if he tell me i will be upset and i will jump to conclusions. Well no ****, pictures had a chick with chest all out naked from waist up. I was angry and we almost broke up. Maybe his excuse of nothing ever happened between them and the fact that its an old pic of a friend who e knew before me assured me to forgive him but these thoughts keep coming back. What if? Is he lying? And all other bad thoughs come to my mind. He keep assuring me that he never cheated on me and that he is sad that i have no trust in him and i think of him so bad, but what was i suppose to think? Now that about 6 month past i still think of these things and one of these days i broke up with him because i couldnt deal with it. Mind you i am still in Iraq and i know no good decision can be make while i am here and he is home. Sorry to make this so long but now this time he havent wrote me for about 8 days till he finally wrote me saying that he still cant believe i tought so bad about him and that it kind of threw a loop on him. We back together but now i am afraid to lose him by bringing this up. i want to know the trust, whether it is going to hurt me or not. I want to know the truth and i dont think he is a type of man who would ever admit stuff like that. I know he loves me and all but i am afraid to get hurt, especially now that i am so faithful to him and i am ready to home home to him. I dont know what to do. What to think? Is he cheating on me or he did in a past? It is really the only thing that ever gave me a reason to not trust him. But i feel like his cell phone holds a lot more to it. Now playing snoopy will show me how much i dont trust him and its definitely not solving much problem. If he really a good man and i am just insecure person i can push him away? What should i do? Please help!
(On June 22nd, 2007 at 5:11 pm)
Dear Lauren,
I understand your pain, and know how difficult it is when you love someone that you think may be losing interest, or worse seeing someone else. The fact that he has kicked you out of the house several times makes me concerned for your safety. It isn’t necessarily helpful that he has removed your picture from his phone and is deleting his messages. Your concerns are valid and your suspicions deserve an honest answer. Have you asked him outright why he has removed your picture? If you read the emails that he sent to other girls, then you know he is showing interests in others.
You said yourself that your gut instinct is very strong, and women are known for having more than accurate gut instincts.
I hope that you two can talk things out and work out your problems together, but if he has kicked you out of the house, or shown any signs of violence, than I suggest you consider leaving. No man is worth being lied to, disrespected, or treated in a rough manner.
(On June 22nd, 2007 at 5:43 pm)
Dear Nana,
First I want to commend you for serving your country in Iraq. You are doing a wonderful thing, defending our country, and I feel that the last thing you need to worry about is whether or not your boyfriend is being faithful. The truth is you saw that photo of Monique, and now you are suspicious. I think that you have every right to feel distrust because you saw that photo with your own eyes.
He may say that he never cheated, but the truth is that you saw that photo. What he may be saying is he has only kept this photograph of someone else, but never acted out in a sexual manner with this woman.
You have every right to feel upset and even betrayed. Since you two spoke about the importance of fidelity before starting your relationship, he should have realized that you would feel so strongly about him keeping that picture.
However, whether he cheated or not is a different question. He may feel that having that picture isn’t cheating, (many men have pornographic magazines and videos and feel they are being faithful), unfortunately, many women don’t agree.
I think that the issue at hand isn’t whether or not he cheated, but more along the lines of why did he have that picture. Since you have no proof of him being unfaithful, but do have proof of the picture, I think that you should address that issue. If your relationship is to continue, he needs to know how that picture made you feel and whether he is willing to give up all pornographic pictures. You have every right to ask that he gives them up.
His response may let you know whether or not you would like to continue the relationship or not.
You are right that badgering him about being unfaithful can push him away, (especially if he hasn’t cheated), but he should realize that when you found that picture you began to doubt his commitment towards you.
Deal with the first issue, the photograph, and take it from there. Find out how he feels about getting rid of picture and see how he explains having that picture on his phone to begin with. Ask him questions about Monique, if he refuses to answer them, you will have the answer to all of your questions.
(On June 22nd, 2007 at 10:23 pm)
See Ron, the thing is that i did explained it to him why I was so upset because he couldnt understand why i was tripping. I always have to tell this man to place himself in my position and see how that would of felt. Now dont get it confused I have nothing against a man having pornography and/or just pictures of celebrities and models, but this one was of a regular chick. Pictures looked like they were taken by cell phone camera and sent to him. She was no model, no celebrity, she didnt look all that good, but she did have me beat in breast size for sure!!! Maybe that was what got me more upset then anything. Maybe i felt like thats what he is looking for? (dont mean to get too personal….to be honest i really dont care if i admit that i wear B not DD or E) Maybe he want a bigger girl with more curve? And i told him all these things and of course he tried his best to explain that nothing ever happened and that she is some old friend he knew before me and that she was after him and he happened to keep her pics. He deleted them after our argument and after i explained it to him that if i have to show up with pics on my celly of a RANDOM hung male photo how would he feel? By random i mean no celebrity, no porn star but a man who look like may have hung around me before. Perhaps some military guy. So of course his face changed and he suddenly understood how messed up that would be. But my thing is. Its hard for me to dig to the bottom of a real reason or circumstances, but i want to know what exactly happened. I dont want to stalk or spy on anyone because that means i just never going to have a chance to trust him in my life. But i want to know what is really going on……
By the way thanks for your support. Always appreciate kind words towards myself and my fellow soldiers. 3 month and a wake up!
(On June 23rd, 2007 at 10:07 am)
Hey Nana,
I know how it must be driving you crazy, trying to figure out what else may have happened, but honestly, my best advice is to let it go. He got rid of the picture, and you obviously love him. I would let it go, and give him the benefit of the doubt. He said it was someone from before he met you. Don’t spend too much time wondering, “What If he…”
I would give him the benefit of the doubt, move on, and just keep an eye out for any more pictures or any other suspicious activity. But I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt, especially since he destroyed the picture. He is with you, right? He isn’t with this girl.
I would let it go.
(On June 24th, 2007 at 7:33 am)
Ron,
I have to say he told me this many many times. Thats he is with me, not her or not them. You may be right. Or i would say you are right. I havent seen or caught anything else. He didnt give me no other reason to not trust him. Thanks again for your support and help.
Nana
(On August 1st, 2007 at 5:05 am)
please i need help,I am 28 soon 29 but still a virgin iam i normal or teher si somehing wrong in y brains?? But i have a boyfriend i love him so much, we have been together for almost one year. to make matters worse or better i dont know how to put it, when i was a little girl someone tried to rape, i was molested so bad. because he was always instisting on having sex with me iwas so afraid, then one day i told him the cause of my fear. he was so mad i thought he cared. another thing of late he accuses me of being unfaithful to him.but i suspect he is the one who is not faithful. he is so distant, but all he asks is sex. am scared please help.
(On August 3rd, 2007 at 1:55 am)
Hi Fianzu,
I am sorry for the experience you had when you were a child. It is my strong belief that you need to see a counselor to get the inner healing that you need for this violent act that you suffered. I believe that the reason for your fear of sex is due to this situation, and until you seek help and speak to someone about what occurred, you will be afraid of sex. Sex is not a bad, violent thing. It is a beautiful expression of love between two people. This has been stolen from you and the only way for you to reclaim this area of your life is to find inner healing and realize that sex is good.
Your boyfriend sounds as if he has responded the way many men do when they discover that the woman they love has been sexually violated. He is turning his aggression to you. He needs to understand how difficult this is for you, however it isn’t fair for you to expect him to live in a non-sexual relationship. Men are driven by testosterone, and they have a very strong need for sex. If you and your boyfriend are going to make things work and live in a healthy functioning relationship, you need to receive inner healing for the abuse you endured and learn how to experience and enjoy sex. Your boyfriend will need to understand that the abuse you suffered is not your fault and does not make you less than a woman, or unfaithful to him. He also must be willing to support you through your time of healing.
It would be best if both of you went to counseling together, in addition to your receiving counseling for the abuse you encountered. My heart breaks for you. You were abused when you were a child but don’t let your abuser win anymore. You are not a child, you are a fully grown woman, and you can enjoy a wonderful healthy sexual relationship without pain or fear.
Let me know if you need any advice on finding a counselor or local resources that may be able to help you and your boyfriend. Many communities as well as local churches provide counseling and you may find that help is just a phone call away.
Keep in touch.
(On September 11th, 2007 at 2:50 pm)
One key sign is increased exercise. If after years of being together your significant other is all of a sudden devoting more time to his/her physical appearance, it's probably not for you, but an attempt to impress someone else.
(On September 12th, 2007 at 11:11 am)
People can change their exercising habits for many different reasons and it would be dangerous to assume that they're trying to impress someone else.
I have been in a relationship for over a year and recently began going to the gym at least 3 days a week. It's not because I want to impress others…I simply put on a little extra weight over the past 6 months. Also, I feel so much better, both physically and mentally, after the workout.
Although it may be true in some cases, I don't think it's something couples should worry about.
(On October 21st, 2007 at 4:26 am)
I think my boyfriend is cheating on me.
I hear from people that he says he does not have a girlfriend, although he tells me all the time that he wants to be with me and that we're dating. I asked him about it, he said it isn't true.
Recently, I just feel like things are off…like we aren't ourselves anymore…
He always goes out and he gets calls from girls all the time. He says that its just friends who call him to ask for guy advise, but I heard he one of such "friends" at his house. And he can never explain himself why he goes out of the room and locks himself in the bathroom to give advise to a friend that I don't know anyways.
His kisses or sex with him doesn't feel the same…it doesn't feel like it "fits" like it used to.
He's always late, or cancels plans on me last minute nowadays.
I found pictures of one of our friends, sent about 2 weeks ago, a picture of her naked…some of her dressed in lingerie…like she took them a while ago and just sent them to him. But it doesn't make sense to me because she was sleeping with his best friend before. I want to leave him, but I want to be sure…
Is he being unfaithful?
(On October 22nd, 2007 at 10:57 am)
Dear Sarah,
It's hard for me to tell you if your boyfriend is being faithful or unfaithful. However forget about what you are hearing from others. I personally don't believe in hearsay, but it sounds like he is giving you pretty clear signs. You yourself are saying that "things are off."
Even if you are not sure that he is cheating on you, based on what you are stating, it sounds like he is treating you badly and not giving you the respect you deserve.
You should not stay in any relationship if you are being mistreated and you should not stay in any relationship if you feel that there is no trust.
If you find that you are confused on what to do, then seek counseling or speak to someone who you respect. Negative relationships can tear us down. It can lower our self-esteem and it can make us feel that we are unworthy and unloved.
My number one concern is you and you should be your number one concern. Until you learn to love and respect yourself, you will never feel that you deserve to be treated right and you will continue to be mistreated by him and others.
Make the decision to want better for yourself! It's hard work and it might take time, but in the end it will be worth it.
(On November 25th, 2007 at 7:51 am)
Can anyone offer advice? I recently gave up my life/career in a foreign country to move and be with my girlfriend. We had an LDR for 8 months, and occasionally argued online. One time, after we argued I was hurt and upset and sent a message to a personal advert looking for an… "evening encounter". Nothing ever came of it, and I forgot all about it. Two months later, I was was preparing to moved and had cold feet. I was excited to be with her, but nervous about working, moving to a new country, etc… Again, I sent a few messages to some online personals. And again, I never acted on any of them. When I really thought about it, I couldnt' have brought myself to do it. This convinced me that "she's the one". I moved to her city and all was going well. Two weeks ago, a family member died and I needed to return to my home town. During the trip, my GF was checking my mail for me and came across the old messages that I had forgotten about. I was truthfull, and explained my feelings at the time and that nothing ever came of it. Needless to say, she doesn't trust me or want to see me anymore. Is there anything I can do? I love this girl a lot, and it's only grown since we've been living in the same city? HELP!
(On November 26th, 2007 at 4:55 pm)
Dear John,
I know this is extremely difficult since you moved your whole life for your girlfriend.
Even though you were in a long distance relationship for 8 months, the distance makes it a challenge to really know a person. It would make sense that you are still getting to know her and she you which is where the not trusting factor may be coming from.
Forgiveness is sometimes hard for a person to do especially when it comes to relationships. Based on what you said, it sounds like when you are challenged or upset you seem to make some unhealthy decisions even though you admit to not following through on them. Without knowing how you explained what happened, your girlfriend could have a fear that if things aren't perfect or if you have an argument, you will again be challenged to look for other "encounters".
If you feel that you were very honest and sincere in your explanation to her then trust that and let it go. You can not force someone to see you when they are not ready. People heal and forgive differently and if you do love her, then you need to respect her and let her forgive you in her time and not yours. Let her have some space for awhile.
Maybe this will give you time to ask yourself why you even felt the need to look “elsewhere” especially if this is a pattern for you. It sounds like you also may need some healing and some time to think things through.
(On November 27th, 2007 at 8:18 am)
That's exactly what she said… "how do I know this isn't something that is going to happen every time?" I tried to explain it to her, and let her know how I really feel, but she wasn't ready to hear it yet. This has never been a pattern in the past. I think what didn't help was that when she came to visit, she said that she was always struggling with the LDR and not sure what to do. We'd argue about it, she'd ask me to hurry up, and I tried… However, in the back of my mind I had doubts based on her concerns. I wanted to explain that to her, and that since I've been living there everything has been great and I have never had any doubts, but she isn't sure if she wants to believe me. I really do love the girl, and want to show her every way that I can. I'm having a hard time… She means a lot to me.
(On November 27th, 2007 at 6:09 pm)
Dear John,
I'm very sorry you are having such a hard time. Your doubts and fear sound normal and hopefully after a short time she will realize that she does mean a lot to you and also come to realize the sacrifices you made by moving to be with her.
Loving someone is wonderful, but there are also other things that are important. Trust, honesty, respect, patience and forgiveness should also be high on the list. These are necessary for a successful relationship. Are these the qualities that she already has? Do you also have these qualities?
Maybe it would help to write a list of what you love about her, the relationship then write a list of what you aspire to have in a relationship and see if they are a match.
I still believe you should give her time. Then maybe write her a well thought-out letter and suggest a meeting. But keep in mind that sometimes pressuring someone can often push them away even more.
(On November 28th, 2007 at 12:19 am)
Thanks for the great advice Sheilah. I'm back in her city now for a couple rounds of interviews. I arrived yesterday and had no contact from her, except for an email asking me to call a job contact. The message was sent to me on a "reply" to an e-card that I sent to her. I'm not sure if that was a way of telling me I was a) deleted from her contacts and she no longer had my address, b) she'd read the card, or c) she was checking in to make sure I arrived okay (the message was sent several hours after she would have received it). Regardless, I don't plan to sit and analyze the situation much longer.
I've thought a lot about what you asked: forgiveness, compassion, trust, honesty. I like to think I possess these qualities (although everyone lapses at times). I guess I'll see how she does in the forgiveness area.
I'm not sure of the reason, but she sent an email to one of my family members asking for his input. Perhaps she was checking to make sure I really spoke with him about it as I said I did – see if I was lying? He replied in taking a "neutral" position – we are both wrong – I shouldn't have sent it, and she should understand that it was a momentary lapse in judgement. I'm not sure how well that went over with her.
I was planning on waiting to try and contact her until the Friday or Saturday (at the earliest). Then maybe dropping a card in her mailbox asking her to meet me at a park near her flat. Thoughts?
The sun still comes up in the morning… life goes on.
Again, thank you.
(On November 28th, 2007 at 5:53 pm)
Hi John,
I think that dropping her a card is a good idea and it leaves everything in her court.
One thing about problems when they occur in relationships is that we should step back and re-evaluate, but which a lot of people don't do and then they end up getting involved with someone else way to soon. It sounds like you're evaluating and that's great.
I believe that each relationship that doesn't work out only leads us to the one we are meant to be with. With each relationship (whether good or bad) we learn from our/their mistakes and it prepares us.
I hope that things work out for you and your girlfriend, and if not I have faith you'll be fine.
Goodluck to you
(On December 2nd, 2007 at 8:34 pm)
I kind of have suspicions towards my boyfriend as of right now and im trying to find an answer..
Me and My boyfriend Have a really Good relationship, He lives in the next town over and we see each other every weekend. When were not together we talk on the phone all the time, about everything and anything. He shows me and Assures me of how he feels and whats on his mind, we dont keep anything secret.
He has a 2 1/2 year old son, Who i love to death.. He takes care of him because the mother is pretty much.. well "incompitant". But its been weighing on me, They have only been apart for 6 months, comming out of a 3 1/2 year relationship. See she cheated on him and got pregnant with the other guys baby So he took his son and left. But sometimes his son has his "i miss mommy day" and it really gets to my boyfriend.. And it makes me feel like he still wants to be with her and loves her.
He swears up and down he doesnt feel for her how he used to, Only pity and the only reason they stayed together so long was because of his son.. but the other day He called me like usual after work and he was kinda mad.. He was saying about his baby mother, how someone seen her with the other guy that shes pregnant by and shes not setting an example for her son. That she's just right back getting off track, missing work to hang out with this dude and all this.. He seemed really mad saying he was gonna tell her how it is and call him and tell him not to say anything about him EVER. Saying that at this point he dont want her to see his son.. And then he accidently slipped and said "i cant believe she came over here on sunday crying and begging me to be with her, all on her knees and shes straight back with him" .. which he never told me she had that visit.. he said that he didnt think it was that big of a deal because nothing happened. And after everything got quiet and i didnt want to talk to him he kept asking me what was wrong.. Eventually he got it out of me and im not a nice person when im mad, i told him hes jealous over his babys mother back with him and he shouldnt be because that child deserves a father.. Then i told him how could he not tell me about it when hes always suspicious about my ex's but i tell him everytime they try to contact me. Then he tried saying like when his ex came over he told her about how he loves me and she could never compare to me, which i dont believe at all so i let him know i didnt believe him.. then i said he was just jealous about her and he yelled saying he wasnt, swearing he wasnt.. so i told him i didnt want to talk to him right now and hung up..
He called me like 4 times today, on my house phone, cell phone and one text.. told me to call him but i was sleeping..
when i did get them i tried calling his cell phone like 2 times in 2 hours.. then i called his house like 4 hours later and then i finally texted him saying i wasnt calling him no more that he can call me when hes no "busy" and i still had no reply … its been all day and nothing so i dont know.
im confused can someone give me some insight.
(On December 3rd, 2007 at 4:47 pm)
Dear Julianna,
It hurts when someone cheats on you. Your pride is bruised and you constantly blame yourself wondering if it was your fault. It only gets more confusing when there is a child involved and if there was never any closure, problems will continue to occur.
You say at the beginning that you share everything and don't keep secrets, but in the next paragraph you say that you don't believe he is over his ex.
It sounds like he is trying to do the right thing by letting the son's mother see him (although I don't know if this is court ordered or pre-arranged) and the most important thing at this point is the child's wellbeing.
Accusing someone who is still angry and confused about his ex may cause him to shut down if he feels that he is not getting any support. Your friend sounds like he is in a bad spot; he wants to do right by you, by his son, and right by the child’s mother.
Though it was wrong for him to not tell you about his ex showing up at his house, try to see it through his eyes. Could the reason be that he already knows you don’t trust him and he was afraid or he was trying to keep you from getting upset?
While I know you are hurting and not sure where to put your trust, I recommend being patient and understanding. That can go a long way in helping someone heal from the hurt of someone cheating. Try being a friend first. If your friend still has unresolved issues with his ex, then he needs to work on them because if he doesn’t, it will be hard for him to be in a healthy relationship.
Your friend will always have to interact with his ex because they share a son so you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship knowing these dynamics. If you do, then certain compromises have to be agreed upon from your friend and from you.
I hope it works out.
(On December 5th, 2007 at 2:21 pm)
ok, im a 19 year old girl… and ive been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now! december 10th will be our 3 year anniversary. we've been in a long distance relationship, and he used to say he wanted me to move there with him. lately he's been acting a little different. he used to call me to talk to me as much as he could, and he would be upset when he couldn't talk to me. he still tells me he loves me but i think he's just comfortable with me. i used to trust him unconditionally… what really brought up my distrust is that he is friends with this girl who i am sure likes him! he says he doesnt like her though, so everything will be fine. he doesn't put her down… he just never says anything about her. the other day i accused him of lying to me, and he got really upset with me and said "i have never lied to you before why would i start now?"… and he really hasn't… but im really scared he could be cheating because he barely calls me, he says hes always at work, and when hes not at work he's with his friends (this is true because i have heard them in the background when he calls me) or he's sleepy… im getting to the point where i cry a lot because he's an important person in my life. another thing is, the other night he seemed adamant that he wanted me to be his "best friend" if anything ever happened to us… im just confused… i don't know what to do, and i don't want to distrust him because he is a good guy and i love him… but i am not sure what to think anymore.
(On December 6th, 2007 at 5:35 pm)
Dear Jenny
I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. Three years is a long time to be in a relationship especially when it's long distance. They take a lot of work and commitment and it is important for that trust to be there.
There are a few questions you need to ask yourself. Has he ever given you a reason to mistrust him? Is this the first time you've known him to have a female friend? In the three years that you've been dating, has the phone calls lessoned because of work, etc?.
Because of the distance, it's easy to let negative thoughts take over. You are speculating that this girl likes him. How do you know this to be true?
It's sounds like the two of you need a face to face about where your relationship is going. Be honest about your feelings. Think about the last three years. Has it been a fullfilling relationship? Did you both map out a plan for your future? Three years is long enough and you should not have to guess if he is still commited.
It's hard to tell if someone is cheating and it would be wrong to accuse someone without real evidence. However, if you are having doubts about how he feels and are feeling confused, then let him know and remind him that if he truly cares for you, then he needs to be honest and validate your feelings.
If he tells you that he is being honest and still wants it to work, then it will be up to you to trust that. But remember, it's not healthy for either of you if there is no trust.
I hope it works out.
(On December 7th, 2007 at 12:26 pm)
i know that we have to have trust and i have been working on it a lot… this is not the first friend of his that's a girl. she's the only who bothers me because shes the first one who has liked him that he's been friends with. the rest of the girls who liked him were not his friends, and he didn't talk to them. 3 years is a long time to be so far away, and i have given it my all. Both of our parents have given us a lot of grief about dating… and we worked through it. it's just a lot of work to throw away… and it hurts. recently i found out supposedly hes been hanging out with her some nights…he always tells me he's working… he was here to see me like 2 weeks ago and acted fine and even looked me in the eyes and said he loved me, so this is all coming as a shock to me. he never has time for me anymore. he used to have to talk to me, whereas now it seems like a chore… i love him and i want to trust him. there's no a reason not to trust him, but all this acting differently really bothers me.
(On December 7th, 2007 at 12:29 pm)
sorry… yeah we did map out a plan for our future, but now he says he doesnt know anymore because his "life is up in the air"… it was fulfilling… i was the happiest i'd ever been.
(On December 7th, 2007 at 2:23 pm)
Dear Jenny,
If he is not sure about your future together, then it might be time for you to think about yours. No person can bring you happiness, you have to get that for yourself. Every relationship that we are in, whether it is 3 months or 3 years, is a learning experience.
At 19, you have your whole life ahead of you. I'm definitely not being flip about this. I was in a relationship from the age of 16 to about my early twenties. I felt that I also gave my all, but in the end he decided he wanted to be with someone else. Of course it hurt at the beginning, but when I look back at it, I'm happy that it turned out that way.
Years later, he is still the same person, but because I moved on, I am not.
If his friendship with this girl is making you uncomfortable and you have shared your feelings with him, but he continues to spend time with her, then it may be time for you to step back from this relationship.
Think about what you want for your own future. Is it school? Are you concentrating on a certain career? Has being in the relationship stopped you from thinking about your goals or have you always put this relationship before them? There is a lot for you to think about.
Again I would recommend speaking with him. If after the conversation you still don't feel validated, then it may be time for you to move on. Trust your feelings!
When I mean moving on I don't mean getting involved with someone else right away although you might be tempted. It means discovering who you are out of this relationship and discovering what you want.
Breakups are difficult, but they also help us discover the mistakes that we made in the relationship and how not to make the same ones when we meet someone new and believe me, you will.
I am sending positive thoughts your way!
(On March 6th, 2008 at 1:51 am)
i got the same thing happening to me lately. its really sucks! he cheated me when our relationship gonna be 5years.well,i will bygone.TRUST is the weapon in the relationship.he wants me back but i am in reconsideration.because i lost the trust about him already.its been 2weeks..but now i have no more tears for him..
(On April 8th, 2008 at 10:17 am)
I need some advice,
I am currently in a relationship that so far has been going really well however I still find it very hard to trust my partner, at the beginning of the relationship it was a bit rocky, he deleted texts, hid his phone, and also had random mood swings here and there.
Over the months however things have improved and we spend alot of time together, the phone thing has stopped but, just recently I have found that he seems a little disinterested and not as affectionate as usual
I am quite the insecure type and the fact that he still talks to his exes (one impiticular that lives near-by) in a friendly manner drives me crazy but i cannot confront him of this as he gets angry at the fact that he thinks I do not trust him which, I don't completley, but it is hard for me because of previous relationships and I am working on trusting him as much as I can. He is aware of this however.
Is the fact that he seems less affectionate something to worry about? also is there a good way I can confront him about things without him feeling as though I am ruining the relationship by "trying to cause an argument"
Please Help
x
(On April 14th, 2008 at 6:29 pm)
Dear Blondie,
Your first sentence started out great. Your relationship is going really well… however. But then you say that you have noticed a change in the relationship.
Without knowing how long you have been in this relationship, let me say that sometimes things do slow down and most of the time it has nothing to do with changed feelings.
Sometimes it can be as simple as two people being content or comfortable with one another which can be good or not. It really depends on the couple.
As for the trust issues, if you are the insecure type and generally have these issues, then these are things you are going to have to work on for yourself. But it doesn't mean you can not include your boyfriend.
Be very honest with him. If possible come at him not in an emotional way but as a "this is how I am" (keep it very black and white) and although I know that these are my issues, I need you to hear me at times and respect my feelings, etc…
Make sure you try to pick a special moment to talk. Fix a dinner or a picnic or even a simple walk. Somewhere non-traditional. But whatever you do, don't do it in the heat of an argument or when you are feeling the most vulnerable and need validation. Pick your moment!
You can talk about your issues without bringing up too much of your past. You definitely don't want him to feel that you are putting a blame on him for something else someone did to you years ago.
When it comes to people still having a relationship with their exes it's a challenging topic. But you say that he talks to her in a friendly manner. "Friendly" seems to be the key word here.
Most importantly, we can not be afraid of being honest in our relationships. When we do that, we end holding in so much garbage that we become polluted and then it starts coming out in negative and agressive ways.
Be true to your own feelings. If he cares for you and for the relationship, he'll roll with it… If not, re-evaluate
(On April 23rd, 2008 at 8:55 pm)
I was seeing J for six months. In March, he had an accident and broke his ribs and back. He was with a buddie's girl, or so he said. Turns out he met her online, and it was a date! He said he got what he deserved, and karma got him. I dumped his a**, and he admitted what he did, but never apologized. Loser. He deserves all the rotten things that happen to him.
(On August 1st, 2008 at 1:55 pm)
I need help I have a boyfriend and have been with him for 7 years we have three kids together. I think my boyfriend may be cheating
on me I am not sure. One day I have recived a call from this guy that said my boyfriend may be cheating with his wife I comfronted her
and she told me no and so did he. But they talk all the time and I thought ok maybe there not I will give it a brake. On the 4th we went over there house and had a bbq over there she got so wasted that she was trying to hag on my boyfrind and talking stuff and saying she wants
him. We dont have sex anymore we never spend time with each other and we dont even talk with each other help…
(On August 2nd, 2008 at 5:22 pm)
Dear Missy,
It definitely sounds like you need help. But not speaking to each other is just ignoring the problem.
Since there are children involved, I would recommend that you speak to your husband. And when I say that I don't mean in an accusing way, but in away that will hopefully help you both to start the lines of communication. Then hopefully he will be completely honest with you. If the two of you have problems communicating (fighting instead of getting to the root of the issue) then a mediator/counselor is going to be needed.
Also because there are children involved and if you are looking to save this relationship, then counseling would definitely be the key. If he agrees with it, that would be great but even if he doesn't you need to do what's best for you and your children.
Children can sense when things are not right between their parents even if you aren't arguing in front of them.
This will help you sort out the problems in your relationship such as; were there signs before, has there been stress in the relationship, are you both communicating with each other, have things changed since the children came, are you spending enough quality time together. Most importantly if he did or if he is cheating, what was the cause?
Often when someone is cheating, it rarely has anything to do with the person they are cheating with. Sometimes it could be to fill a void, anger issues, resentment even needed attention.
Try not to bring that couple into the equation. When that husband confronted you, instead of confronting the situation he made it worse. Don't make the same mistake.
You will only be guessing or assuming if you don't start making some moves toward finding out the problems so that you can eventually have a resolution.
Keeping silent will only deepen the anger and resentment and you'll never move on from the pain.
(On August 5th, 2008 at 4:20 am)
Hiya,
My bf is tiles labourer and last sat he came home with 2 small scraches on his lower back and some bruises on his one upper arm and he smelt of beer (says he drank the beer in the car on his way back from work he gets a lift to work. i asked him if he has been with another women he got upset and said i work hard and its from work. im the 2nd girl he has had a relationship with and iv never had doubts that he would do anything to me like that we had a arguments and my parents came over and he said to my dad candy keeps thinking im with other women just because i have scraches etc do you think im being paranoid here by thinking this.
(On August 6th, 2008 at 7:50 pm)
Hi Candy,
Asking “Is my boyfriend cheating?” is a huge question. There are no simple yes or no answers.
I'm sure you know him pretty well. Would a few scratches on his back and the smell of beer be big enough for you to think that he may be cheating? Maybe not.
Some women have an intuition when it comes to believing that a mate is not being totally honest. However there are usually other signs.
First look at yourself. Is there a reason why you are having feelings of mistrust? Have you ever doubted him or has he ever lied to you before? Was the last relationship that you were in one that had trust issues? Concerning his last relationship—were there trust issues?
There are a lot of things to consider.
You want to be careful not to accuse someone of cheating especially if they've never really given you any reason to doubt them. It begins to put a strain on a relationship.
If you still feel uneasy, then try speaking to him again but without getting emotional. Be honest with your feelings, but make sure they are valid. Men don't respond well when we get emotional and often can't or won't empathize because they think we are being hysterical instead of realizing we just need validation. However, if he is the type of man that shows you how he feels and has never given you any doubts, then you may be just paranoid.
I hope this helps.
(On August 28th, 2008 at 9:03 pm)
i have been dateing this guy for about 1 and 1/2 year we have lived togeteher for10 months . the whole time we have been together his ex girlfriends calls his phone. H says she was never even his girlfriend just someone he dated off and on, well it really bugged me and when we moved in together i asked him to tell her to stop i looked through his phone and say that he ended up talkin to her for 40 mins. I was pissed he said that she dident get it why she couldent be friends with him anyways now it just drives me crazy she is disrespecting me by calling. So i have been trying soo hard to believe that he does not call her, well it all blew up and i wrote her a nasty email and she wrote me back a very broad one saying that he calls her and she only calls to call him back. I was soo upset i told him to show me his phone bill or leave.he said that was ridiculas and i should trust his word. i left the house for a couple of hours and and he was all moved out we did not talk for a couple days and then i was mad cause he was ignoring me so i went off and started e-mailing him crazy things soo disrecpectful calling him names. now he is mad at me and says that he dosent know if he can get over the things i said. i know i said really awfull things to him and we never ever disrespected each other before i though we had a really heealthy realtionship. but now it has flipped and i feel like i made a mistake but i still want to see his phone bill. what do i do as of last night im leaving him alone it has been 10 days. why would he just move out instead of just showing me his bill? i told him that i was sorry for saying that and i wanted him to hurt cause i felt soo hurt and betrayed. he told me that the only time he answereed or called her back was to tell her to stop calling. and he says he is a man and he should trust his word and i shouldent have gave him an ultimatiom im still confused im soooo hurt i love him soo much and i want to work it out but only if he shows me his bill. but now he is mad at me
what do i do
(On August 29th, 2008 at 7:43 pm)
Well Cindy,
We often make the mistake of holding in our feelings about something that bothers us about our partners, but as soon as we become engaged, move in together or marry, we make the mistake of thinking we have the right to demand certain things.
By your email, it seems that you didn’t ask your boyfriend to stop calling until after the move. If you didn’t ask him to stop speaking to her before you moved in, what made you believe that he would stop?
It would have helped if you had spoken to him calmly about your feelings. Unfortunately, when we let jealously and mistrust take hold, we end up looking angrier, which often backfires causing the other person to either respond in kind, or maybe in walk away.
If someone has to prove their love and trust by showing you a phone bill, then maybe this might not be the relationship for you.
I hope that you will think about this in a more rational way, give him some space and if this relationship means anything to you at all, then you will need to mend some fences. Being together for a year and a half is worth trying to salvage. I don’t agree with him just walking away, however by your tone (writing the ex an email, verbally abusing him, etc) he might have had no choice.
I hope it works out. If not for this relationship, hopefully for the next one.
(On August 29th, 2008 at 9:55 pm)
from my post above i forgot some details that yes i did talk to him calmely about it when we got more serious that is bugged me and she was disrespecting me by calling still. he says that he told her to stop and she dosent understand why they cant be friends. so when we moved in together she called and i got a lil mad and said now it really needs to stop, or else we dont need to go through with this living together… soo then ocasionally from november to now, she has called im not sure how much but i see it when i see it and he says he dosent know why. then after i kicked him out and all the fight, he said that he only answered or called her back to tell her she is causing a problem and needs to stop. so i told him that if there are just random calls on the phone bill that are like 5-10 mins thats fine if there is like a lot of long ones its not but i will be glad he is honest with me.. but he is mad still from me getting really mad as i stated in aboove letter. sooo what do i do i expressed it made me uncomfortable and he lied although he said he never ever hung out with her and she is nothing then why whould he move out so quick and not show me and now i feel like he has something to hold against me?????? cause of what i said
(On September 2nd, 2008 at 6:27 pm)
Dear Cindy,
It’s hard to say she was being disrespectful by calling if he is allowing the calls to continue. When it comes to partners having friends of the opposite sex outside of the relationship it’s a hard call. Some feel that it should be OK, as long as the relationships are platonic. I guess it depends on the couple. My main question is… Do you trust him? Did you feel threaten by this girl and if you did, what was the reason? After all, he was moving in with you and not her.
It feels like you both wanted to move in together, but never really solved the problem and basically just swept it under the rug. But at this point it doesn’t matter.
What is important is that if you want to make this relationship work I would suggest these few things.
One, someone has to stop the anger going back and forth because it’s not working. You can let it go, or you can wait on him. It’s your choice.
Two, someone needs to stop worrying about who is right and wrong in this. Either you want this to work, or you want to be the one that is right. Your choice.
Three, it’s all about compromise in a relation in order for it to work. Both must agree.
Four, jealousy does not work. Some may think that it shows a person how much we care about them, but in reality it only makes us feel that we are trying to be controlled and that is never flattering.
They could really just be friends, but if he feels you are jealous (not saying that you are, just making a point) he could be lying to keep you from getting angry and just wants to keep the peace.
You can not force someone or give them ultimatums and think it’s going to work out… it won’t. It only makes that person just as angry or even angrier. If you feel that you have done all these things, but still feel that he is not being honest or forthcoming, then this might not be the relationship for you.
And lastly, this is not about the girl. She is not important and you need to stop making it about her. If she is a trouble maker, then the thought of you being jealous or even a little miff will give her the upper hand.
Understand that arguments do come up in a relationship. However if you feel that someone is not being forthcoming and is not being honest then maybe moving together would be amistake. It’s better to find out in the beginning then to wait until there is more to loose.
(On March 19th, 2009 at 9:58 am)
I have been having some suspisions that my boyfriend may be cheating on me. I just had a breast reduction surgery a week ago today.
My boyfriend is an adult probation officer, so his job takes a mighty toll on him. Normally he has to be to work by 8 am, but lately, he has been going in anywhere between 6:15 and 8. The day after my surgery, he decided that after work, he was going to go play pool with some of the guys from his office, which I was completely fine with. He told me that he would be home in an hour or so. So I thought that I would make him a nice romantic candlelit dinner so that it would be ready when he came home. He came home 2 and a half, 3 hours later. I was upset, but did not want to let him know that I was so that it wouldn't start an arguement.
Him and I never fight. So I didn't want to start. Anyway, I asked him how his game went, and he told me that he wound up playing pool with one of the gal's instead of the guys that works with him. And according to him, she asked how I was doing after my surgery and everything. So I told him to tell everyone in his office that I am doing fine. Well our normal nightly and morning routine is to make love before and after we go to sleep. So I tryed with him this morning, and he rolls over and says "babe i'm really tired". So we talked about it when we got up this morning before he went to work, and he is was like, I want to make sure that you don't have anymore pain or swelling in your breasts. I went to the doctor 2 days ago, and he gave me the go ahead to get back to having sex. He has also been wearing cologne more and more to work.
He always tells me that if he cheats on me, that he would be the first to admit to it, and that he would walk. I haven't smelled another female on him. When he comes home, he always wraps his arms around me, and gives me a kiss. Then tells me that he has missed me.
Am I crazy for thinking that he could be cheating on me? Or is his job getting to be more than he/I can handle?
(On April 18th, 2009 at 9:31 pm)
I have noticed a significant change in my boyfriend. For the past three months he has been so angry and agressive, he points out my faults and is easily annoyed by everything I do and say. I have tried to leave him but he gets so angry,and violent. He threatens me, says he will hurt me and take our child and I will never see my baby again. I am so unhappy. I am afraid of him of what he can do. I don't care that he is cheating. I just wish he could set me and my baby free so we could find happiness. What can I do?
(On May 8th, 2009 at 10:32 pm)
My boyfriend seems to not really care rather we hang out or not it's been a month sece we last hung out but last few time i wentto see him he wanted to try nwer persiton in sex one he calim to have no interes in when we first started dating. i will ssee him sunday but i told him been texting him telling him i miss him i think he tying to get me off his back once i told him i had to work that day he rplyed oh ohwell i responed to that saying yeah and then he sent me a nother text after i snet him mine waying can you find some one to feel in for you i oold him no so he saod next snday . point is i feel like he's only doing it for his sake now a days like we never realy talk on the phone maybe a few times here lately but he was so grump and in a hurry to get off to eithr sleep or eat immean he woks till 12 in he morning but use to that didnt
make a difference and he only talls he he loves me after iv told him i love him and he will be sweet but my gut telling me he's not being sunser a bout it any more. when we are togethe we are good u know but whn im bak home and so he. this is a lpng distance thing. the love seems to of gone almost out like a flame on a candle what should i do what do you think?
(On May 8th, 2009 at 10:48 pm)
ignore that post a bove yall sorry the onew below this one is clearer
(On May 8th, 2009 at 10:49 pm)
My boyfriend seems to not really care rather we hang out or not it's been a month since we last hung out but last few time i went to see him he wanted to try newer Persian in sex one he claim to have no interest in when we first started dating. i will ssee him Sunday I had been texting him telling him i miss him i think he tying to get me off his back, he texted me asking is I wanted to come over Sunday i told him i had to work that day he replied oh oh well. i responded to that saying yeah. And he replied with a question and I quote “can you ask some one fo fill in for you? I replied i told him no. and that I would but no one will do it who are not down. being I know the people that I work with all to well. And added I would its not knowing hen I can see you agen that bothers me and missing you and if we a have a day [picked out then I can last till that day. so he said next Sunday . point is i feel like he's only doing it for his sake now a days like we never really talk on the phone maybe a few times here lately but he was so grump and in a hurry to get off to either sleep or eat I’m mean he works till 12 in he morning but use to that didn’t make that big of a difference and the only time now that he tells me that he loves me after iv told him that i love him and he will be sweet but my gut telling me he's not being sincere a bout it any more. when we are together we are good u know but when I’m back home and so he. this is a long distance thing. the love seems to of gone almost out like a flame on a candle what should i do what do you think?
(On September 9th, 2009 at 4:50 pm)
I have been in a 3 year realtionship and recently wehave been talking about getting married but he has never proposed. I just had an episode on saturday , we were spending time together and his phone kept ringing several times and he would look and close the cellphone and not pick up call. Then later that night phone rang again he was in the rest room so I went and look at cell to see who kept calling and so late not his mom not a friend I might know, but a woman that I new had sent him e-mails and was trying to find out who she was and to my surprise she sends him a text message in spanish like sweetie let go of that colombian this cuba woman needs you. When I saw that in spanich that sounded like he was having something with her and she knows I'm with him. My heart ached and I was like F *** AH. I did not know what to do so I waited till he got out of restroom then I confronted him, hey by the way your phone rang and it was " the womans name" she said sweetie let go of that colombian this cuba woman needs you. He looked very surprised and said no babe she is a friend from the bank, shei sjust like that alwasy palying around. Till today 3 days have passed and he told me that he talked to her and told her to spoke that and that she said she was sorry, he states that he is not cheating on me and that he has nothing with her also mentioned that he would take me to bank to meet her .I don't trust him any more and her.
(On October 5th, 2009 at 9:13 am)
everyone….
we all go through similar thing's and the thing thats thrown aroung so much is trust.
I don't trust anybody, myself included.
if your bf/gf is deleting texts phone on silent or they are acting funny wtf is that about. i've been in a relationship were these things did not matter,lots of love and the trust was 100%, ive been in the opposite don't care thanks for the shag f off and zero trust plus the in beetween. only one of two are going to be super magical and you have to analize the following to assess what you want
1. can i do better ,weather physicaly mentally materialy
2. can they do better ,same
3. what are my risks in this relationship eg..heartbreak, finacial, recovery rate
4.what am i willing to loose, mind spirit
5. what do i have to gain, children a family carer love peace happyness ect..
6.i this person someone i will enjoy making love or fucking or experimenting with for a long time to come.
I think the wealthyest peoiple on the planet are the happy..
now the juice
gf deletes text's and says something about storage issues thats why ok. thats cool
sometimes guys call up at three am wtf i take the phone and rip there asses to shreds sorted
we go hang with freinds, guys, some very attractive, then when we get home omg the things that she does to me???i'm like is that cause we saw those people and you got turned on or do i look good today.
does not act like this when we are home or if they aren't there if we make love its less if we haven't seen them.
now shes going with two of my hot guy mates to a beach shack for the weekend for a state finals for poker? i'm pretty sure i should be worried. should i be.
this girl is an 85%trust 10%no trust 5%unknown.
i will be marrying her one day hopfully and i love her more than anyone i could ever love.
is there a way to get past these situations without feeling sick?
regards
matty
(On February 9th, 2010 at 10:05 pm)
Essex Wedding Photographer
(On March 12th, 2010 at 2:43 pm)
I keep finding emails that my boyfriend sends to another girl he used to have sexual relationship with. I also know he sends her text messages and so does she. The most recent one told her that we were moving and that she missed him and then he tells her maybe she could sneak to OUR (mine and his) house and park in the garage. he tells me he loves me and wants to marry me, but I'm seriously have bad doubts. I was cheated on for almost 11 yrs when I was married to my ex-husband. I dont know if I should confront him on the stuff I found or just let it go until he really screws up. please help before i make a huge mistake