PlanJam!From your screen to the scene

This article has 71 comments so far!

1. MATCHinform says —
   (On March 20th, 2007 at 12:01 pm)

   More simply – When you can’t see yourself with that person forever, it’s time to end the relationship. The reason we stay is fear of loneliness and a comfort that we enjoy having someone else.

2. Cynthia says —
   (On April 2nd, 2007 at 4:53 am)

   What a great website this is, i have been reading comments from other people who were faced with similar situations and that has helped me in understanding certain situations. Just a question though, going through your partner's cellphone because there is something suspicious about him, is it wrong, and when you eventually find out the truth, is it better to call it quits, there and then? or to work on it and beleive it will never happen again? if someone can lie to you once, what could stop them from lying to you again. The last thing i want is to end my relationship because of infidelity (i feel as though the other lady would have won) but how do i accept that he lied to me and move on?

3. Ron Zvagelsky says —
   (On April 2nd, 2007 at 1:20 pm)

   Hey Cynthia,

   We like to hope that things will simply get better over time, but it’s just not the case. Confronting these types of issues is really hard and many of us try to avoid it altogether…which makes the situation even worse.

   I am a little unclear as to what information you found on your partners’ phone…are you sure that there was infidelity or was he simply talking to another person? Also, have you confronted him about the situation?

   If you haven’t confronted him about the situation, he’ll likely respond in one of two ways:

   1. He’ll blame you for not trusting him and try to turn the tables on you. Whatever you do, don’t let this happen. Even though you did invade his privacy (slightly), you were suspicious and what you found reaffirmed it. Think about it from another perspective, had you not done it you would have never found out and it would have continued. If he does blame you for this and doesn’t take responsibility, it’s probably best that you say goodbye to him then and there.

   2. He’ll take complete responsibility and apologize for his actions. He will not blame you for what you did and he will understand that you had every right to do what you did.

   When you confront him about his actions try not to attack him. Rather, be calm about it and tell him how you felt and what made you want to go through his phone.

   Unfortunately, the difficult part really starts after he apologizes and takes responsibility. Rebuilding trust will take a lot of work and patience (and yes, you have to work at it as well), but it can be done. If you don’t think that he will be able to change or you feel that you will never be able to forgive him for his actions, then it’s probably best that you move on from this relationship.

4. Chase says —
   (On May 15th, 2007 at 8:24 am)

   Hi Ron,

   My ex-boyfriend and I "officially" broke up over a year ago, last December. We had an extremely intense relationship, which became a twisted situation. He was emotionally wounded from a previous relationship which had fallen apart because of his inability to take responsibility, and I was too young and innocent to understand what was happening.

   Long story short, sex was our downfall. We had agreed to wait, but the attraction was so strong that we didn't keep our promise. Eventually he started drinking and going out, and we did nothing but have sex when we saw each other, so the relationship became extremely painful for me. I was still very innocent and couldn't accept that promises could be broken (we had been engaged), and I felt that sex was an unbreakable bond.

   We continued to have sex after we broke up, and I believed we would get back together. It was clear that we both still had feelings for one another. However, as time went on, he got the idea that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend (from before me). We parted for the summer when I went abroad. When I came back, he got kicked out of his apartment and came to stay with me. We immediately fell back into our old sexual relationship, but it became very cold and impersonal (no kissing, closed eyes). I was physically sick from all the stress of the last few years for a long time.

   Despite all this pain and stress, we have a strong vibe and understanding of one another. Neither of us seem to be able to let go of our sexual relationship, though we have tried so many times to stop ourselves from falling into it. He's just moved out of my place, and I am moving as well. We constantly go through cycles of sexual activity and then coldness with one another, and then an intense reconciliation and recommitment to our friendship. Obviously, this is nonsense.

   I still want to be with him, and he has said outright that he does not want to be with me. I don't know how to break this addiction to each other. We mean an immense amount to each other, and want to be good for each other, but both of us seem incapable of overcoming desire. Is it worth it to keep trying to be friends, or do I have to abandon such a deeply meaningful relationship?

5. Ron Zvagelsky says —
   (On May 15th, 2007 at 11:41 am)

   Hey Chase,

   Am I correct in assuming that this is your first serious relationship…or at least, the first relationship where your feelings were so complex?

   There is nothing particularly wrong with having sex early in the relationship, and frankly, what’s too soon for some may be too long for others. Nonetheless, it really comes down to how comfortable you are with your partner. In your relationship, the problem wasn’t that you jumped into the physical too soon, but that there wasn’t much depth beyond that. Sex has a funny way of messing with our feeling and it makes a lot of people emotionally vulnerable…but even more so when we have self esteem issues. That emotional bond you’re describing is extremely powerful…but it’s only temporary.

   The reason you continue to go through these cycles with him is because after the physical attraction wears off…you’re basically left in an emotional void. The physical can be great, but if that’s all there ever was between the two of you, it’s unlikely that things will change. So you take a few months off from each other, get together again, and then the same things happen all over.

   As far as friendship goes, it’s almost impossible unless you were friends before you became a couple. I know you probably heard it before, but there’s no harm in saying it again. There are guys out there who will give you what you need…both physically and emotionally. The biggest mistake you can make is to continue to hope that things will change or believe that this relationship is the best you can do.

   My best piece of advice for you is to stop talking to this guy…there’s no future and you’ll only end up emotionally drained. Tell him that this isn’t healthy for you and that you need to move on. If you need to, change your phone number. After you stop talking to him, try your best to keep busy; take on a new hobby, go on vacation, and use your friends as anchors. It’s not going to be easy but in the long run…you’ll be glad you did it.

   I wish you the best of luck and sincerely hope that things work out for you.

6. Taylor says —
   (On June 16th, 2007 at 12:42 pm)

   Ron,

   My girlfriend and I have reached the "six months mark," the milestone at which the initial elation of a new relationship wears off. Until recently, it had been a healthy relationship so far: we're similar enough and our noticeable differences complement one another; each of us has helped the other grow through personal challenges; we get along well with each other's friends and families; and we have fun.

   Now an uncomfortable quiet occurs when we get together, as if both of us are searching for something to say or wondering what to do next. I am also on a tight timeline to complete a master's thesis, find a job, and a new apartment within the next few months.

   It's difficult because we've obviously hit a wall, but there are no personal attacks or abuse. It's just, well, uncertain, both because my future is unclear and because we've begin to see each other for who we really are.

   Two things concern me (aside from my uncertain future!) First, I'm 28 and would like to marry within the next three or so years, so I feel as if I should try to work a healthy relationship through a stage like this. At the same time, this stage has a lot of gravity, so it's tough to remain objective and see the "larger picture" often. Second, my girlfriend occassionally mentions that she wishes things were "light and fun" and that relationships "shouldn't be like this until much later." I mean, I like to have fun, too, but I think imagining relationships as constantly light and fun is rather naive.

   I'd appreciate your feedback. And great site!

   Regards,
   Taylor

7. Ron Zvagelsky says —
   (On June 18th, 2007 at 3:12 pm)

   Hi Taylor,

   Thank you for the compliments on my site! I'm trying very hard to make this a great place for the dating scene and relationships, and it's nice to hear that my efforts are appreciated. The problems reflected in your letter are not uncommon from others in your age group. In fact, I think most men are encountering these issues nowadays.

   The truth is that our society is not the same slow paced society of several decades ago. Careers and education have become increasingly important as our global competition has heated up. Divorce rates are up, and people are increasingly selective about what they want in a lifelong partner.

   Ok, enough general discussion. I want to address your specific predicament. You didn't mention the age of your girlfriend, so for purposes of this response I'm going to assume she's younger (25). You are at a serious stage in your own life, a time when you wonder about where your own choices will take you. Life never seems to slow down, and there is so much to get done. You appear to be very focused on the "big picture" of your career and your relationship. Maybe too focused. Allow me to explain.

   You and your girlfriend have been together for over six months now. Its certainly not a marathon relationship, but there are plenty of people who get married before this, so its not unusual to consider if your partner is "marriage material" at this point. However, you indicated in your letter that you do not not want to get married for another 2-3 years. So why do you feel pressure to make the relationship more serious at this point? It appears that the pressure is not coming from your girlfriend, who wants a light and fun relationship. This seems to indicate that the pressure is coming from within or from external sources. Either way, the pressure is unwarranted.

   You may be worried about many things at age 28, such as your future career, finances, aging, and security. It's normal to do so. However, take a look at your letter again. It appears that you are trying to get ahead of the game and make things more serious now. This is a mistake. Your girlfriend obviously wants to make things lighter and you are bringing a heavy element to the relationship. You should consider taking a step back and see this for what it is. At six months, neither of you has made enough of a committment to stick around if attraction wanes in the relationship. It's relatively easy to get out and look for someone else. There are many things you can speed up in your own life to get to where you want to be much faster, but relationships are not one of them. If you get too serious too soon, you will scare this one away. In fact, it may already be too late. She may be considering leaving the relationship already. You must take action to prevent this.

   Here's my advice to you. Take some time alone and reevaluate your feelings for this girl. Do you love her? If so, you must make this relationship work. You can do this by changing your outlook on things. Neither of you wants a serious relationship right now. So change things up. I don't know your financial status, but try to go do some things that are out of the norm where you can both relax, be yourselves and have fun. PlanJam.com has plenty of suggestions in a variety of areas (we're trying to expand this as quickly as possible without compromising quality) or you can get some suggestions from friends. Go to an amusement park. Do something fun. Make the priority to have fun. That should be the only agenda on the table. Be spontaneous. For some, this requires more effort than for others. Don't bring up any serious relationship topics. Let her bring these up if she wants to discuss them. Crack some jokes (if you are decent at this), make her laugh or smile. Explaining to someone how to have fun with a girl is a lot like trying to explain how to drive. It's not easy, because there are too many variables.

   I would reduce the amount of time you spend with her, at least for now. If you spend too much time together, things will tend to get serious again, and if you like this girl, it would end badly for you. See each other once or twice a week. Its still ok to talk to each other every day, but there's no need to have hour long conversations. Just ask how her day was, and use that time talk about what you might do the next time you see each other. Keep it light, but show that you still care enough to ask.

   If you are not serious about this girl after reflecting on your relationship, let her know. You may find that you just enjoy spending time together, and you can continue to do so without either of you feeling any obligation to go any further than this. Two to three years is plenty of time to find the one that you want to marry. This girl shouldn't be considered "marriage material" just because she fits a particular profile of an ideal mate. I didn't sense a feeling of love in your letter. This could be for many reasons, including that you didn't want to share this information with a complete stranger.

   You believe that its naive to imagine relationships as constantly light and fun. But remember, this isn't a business deal. There is no contract. The seriousness doesn't need to come into play until there is a ring and a proposal. Neither of you is significantly committed to the other at this point. I know its difficult to see the big picture from your own shoes, but look at it this way. Your girlfriend is giving you hints that she's not happy right now. She thinks you are being too serious. She's probably right (aren't women always right, even when they're wrong?). If you want her to stick around, you need to step things down a notch. This requires change from within. Take things one day at a time for now. She wants to have fun. You said you also like to have fun, so do it. Its really as easy as that. A year from now, if you are still with this girl, it might be time to have some more serious conversations. Six months is still far too soon for most people to know if they have found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Its perfectly ok to date someone for several years, if thats what it takes.

   If you feel the need to get serious, get serious about that thesis. Let your time with her be your stress release, and have some fun. If its already too late, lesson learned for next time. Good luck and let me know how things go. I'll be here.

8. Taylor says —
   (On July 5th, 2007 at 4:55 pm)

   Ron,

   Thanks for the advice. Good stuff. Some parts are tought to take, but I appreciate the honest appraisal.

   I'm curious if these facts would change your advice. My girlfriend is 30, professionaly and financially well-established, and, well, one of her only friends who isn't in a long term (year plus change) relationship, engaged, or married. Her relationship since undergrad that went beyond a few dates lasted six months and was long distance. My last "serious" one was long distance, too, and lasted a year. Moreover, she has commented on marriage in general a few times; nothing overt, but noticeable. I admit, I am naturally serious, and she matches that occassionally, but I wouldn't say I drastically imbalance the relationship.

   What do you think?

   Keep up the good work,
   Taylor

9. Ron Zvagelsky says —
   (On July 13th, 2007 at 6:05 pm)

   Taylor,

   Your comments do not change the "meat" of my advice. Your girlfriend may be feeling some pressure to get married sometime in the near future, but the fact that she is professionally and financially well-established actually mitigates the pressure. She doesn't NEED anyone because she is self sustaining.

   All girls in their 20's or 30's are bound to talk about marriage here and there, but it doesn't always mean they want to get married NOW. Things may naturally gravitate towards that direction, but you should not be the one directing the gravitation. Let her be the one to bring it up. She knows you are ready; it sounds like you made that perfectly clear. You may even find that by NOT bringing it up, she may get curious and ask you why, or start bringing the subject up herself. Girls do tend to like a challenge, so let your girlfriend feel challenged. Let the mystique of marriage linger until she really seems insistent about it.

   If you can't wait that long, then you need to move on to someone else. Perhaps you can find someone serious minded like yourself who is ready for marriage. I know my feedback can be harsh and difficult to take, but its intended to help you and others like you. Often, we receive advice from friends and family that is cushioned (because they don't want to offend or hurt your feelings) or biased. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

10. Bama says —
    (On July 31st, 2007 at 11:59 pm)

    I have been in a 9 yr relationship with my girlfriend and 3 months ago I told her I wanted to be single for awhile to see what else was out there. We get along good but when we fight we fight, Nothing physical on my part but she will punch bite, and pinch and just flat out lose it. My friends, both parents, and her friends all think we will not work out again. We always seperate every so often but never longer than a few weeks. We have been together since 16 and now we are almost 25 I am wondering if there is something wrong. Any fool can see there is but when we are good it is perfect. I just want to know what a real relationship is and not one based on being scared of being alone. All I know is having a girlfriend, and when we are single I am miserable after a few weeks since she is not there to fall back on. We both have no problems if we wanted to find someone else, but we just can't seem to break our emotional attachment. I hate to end something that this must time was put into, but if it is bound for failure I need out as quick as possible. I just want to be truly happy for the rest of my life and make someone else just as happy.

11. Thea says —
    (On February 14th, 2008 at 10:33 pm)

    I am looking for validation to feelings about my relationship; your comments would do me so much good. I have been in a 4-year, long-distance relationship with someone. He is in another country attending university. When we first met, it was wonderful. If we were not able to physically be together he would write to me, send me e-mails and text messages, we would chat for hours on IM. He used to make me little drawings and send me songs. I was so in love I was sure we could overcome the distance and end up together in the future, but all that changed about 1 1/2 ago. We last saw each other 6 months ago and it was perfect but since I came home he reverted to his old bad habits: he never calls or e-mails or talks to me anymore. I understand he works very hard sometimes up to 12 hours a day but I miss him and want to be in his life in some way; when he dissapears and won't stay in touch the only real way I can get him to respond is by threatening to leave him. Most of the time I get only his anger and lack of understanding of my needs. When I tell him I miss him and need to talk to him, he doesn't change. So when he does want to talk all I feel is resentment and anger; he's supposed to be my boyfriend! It is Valentine's Day and I haven't even gotten an e-card and I am very broken-hearted. There are so many men available to me where I live but I can't seem to be able to break up with him and my pleas for his understanding of my needs fall in deaf ears because I always come back, so everything I say to him is an empty threat. I don't know what to do, I always thought that love accentuated one's life not made them constantly miserable. I am in my mid-twenties and don't want to waste another 4 years living this way. What should I do?

12. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On February 14th, 2008 at 11:30 pm)

    Thea,

    You are definitely in a tight bind. Like most men, your boyfriend has grown accustomed to you, and takes your affection for granted. Without knowing the full story, I would say that he should be calling you once a week. If he is doing that, it seems reasonable. You cannot expect daily phone calls if he is putting in a 12 hour per day study schedule.

    There could also be other forces at play, although I don't want to go into that, because mistrust and paranoia will ruin a relationship just as fast as incompatibility or actual cheating. So, lets not go there.

    This is my advice to you. Stop calling him. Stop emailing him. Don't initiate contact at all. Let him be the next one to initiate. It could take a week, or several weeks, but you have to hang in there. If he notices that something is wrong, he might ask why you don't call or write anymore. You can respond by saying (calmly) that you gave up on him, or that you didn't feel the need to call or write anymore, since he doesn't. Let him see how his lack of effort feels when it is reflected back on him. Remember to stay calm and reasonable when talking to him about this. We don't want a shouting match…we just want him to see the logic.

    Of course, this may backfire. Suppose he stops calling or emailing altogether. Then what? Do what you would have done otherwise, move on. If this "test" does not produce some sort of positive behavior change, nothing will. And when that becomes clear, you must be ready to leave him and move on. Like you said, there are many other men where you live. There is no need to waste another year on one that wont return phone calls or email.

    Good luck, and I'd love to hear updates to see how this advice panned out, if you decide to take it.

13. Abby says —
    (On March 1st, 2008 at 7:25 pm)

    I met my husband about 3 years ago. He was my first real relationship and the first guy that really loved me. He is also in the USMC. I got carried away in the whole moment and got married last year. About a year and 9 months ago, I stoped enjoying sex and have been pretty much avoiding it with him since then thinking that I just didnt like sex anymore. We started fighting more and more right before we got married and I still went through with it because I wanted the "fairy-tale wedding". Sex was becoming less and less and fighting was more and more. I would talk about our problems to him, but it either end in a fight or empty promises. Now he is stationed in 29 Palms, CA. When he comes to visit me on the weekends, all he wants to do is play his videogames and fight with me. Then my friend from NY came to visit me and I was so excited to see him. His name is Robert. We have been friends for about 6 years and we never thought that there was anything between us. Then 2 nights before he left, we did alittle more than kiss but didnt have sex. I felt amazing and relized that I did like sex, just not with my husband. The next night we didnt do anything because he felt bad that I was married. Now I cant stop thinking about him and how much fun we had. I dont know what I should do with my husband leaving me all alone for 2 years and only seeing him for a few days and I feel like Im really falling for Robert. I havent felt this way in years, sweaty palms, heart racing, butterflies in the stomach, hard to breath; I dont kno if I love him, or its just infactuation and Im not sure how he feels about me. I am so stressed and confused and have no idea what to do. Should I stay wth my husband and forget about Robert or should I see what the other relationship might lead to. He also lives pretty far but plans on moving near me in a year. What should i do?

14. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On March 1st, 2008 at 9:58 pm)

    Abby,

    You know that butterfly feeling in your stomach, and the thrill you felt with Robert? It is not unique only to Robert. Let me explain a little here. Relationships are not always fire and passion, butterflies and thrills. This will happen when you find someone you are attracted to, but these feelings always fade with time. You will always continue to love that person, but it will be a different kind of love…a love of respect and trust.

    Sure there are people out there who still feel just as passionate as the day they met, but these people are so rare, that scientists study their brains to find out what makes them different. Its not typical.

    That being said, a few things concern me about your story. It has only been 3 years since you met your husband. This is just too soon for you to be feeling the way you do right now. It seems like your husband has just given up on trying for sex, since you do not seem to enjoy it. Instead, he plays video games like the countless other "sexless" males out there.

    Unfortunately, attraction is not something you can control. You had a feeling before you got married that you shouldn't but you went through with it anyway. There are plenty of people out there that think that a marriage will solve all of their problems. It won't. But I digress.

    Here's the deal. You no longer feel attracted to your husband. You didn't mention how old you are, but I'm guessing that you are still relatively young (under 35). If this is the case, your opportunities are plentiful for finding someone that you care deeply about. Your current relationship is dysfunctional. When people who love each other are separated, they can't wait to see the other person. Ever heard the phrase, "absence makes the heart grow fonder?" There is some truth in that.

    I get the sense that you no longer love your husband enough to continue the relationship. He probably resents you and takes out his sexual frustrations on you. If this were the 1950's, you would not speak a word of this to anyone and would bear the pain for the rest of your life. It's not the 50's. I would start to seek the confidence of a marriage counselor or a psychiatrist to help you explore these feelings, if it is not already crystal clear to you already. A divorce may loom in the horizon for you. What you DON'T want is to continue to yearn for other men while denying your husband sex. Its not a good combination.

    You cant force yourself to enjoy sex with your husband, and he can't force you to have sex with him. Its a lose-lose in my opinion.

    Now, on to Robert. I don't think Robert is your true love, and I don't think you should necessarily move to be with him. You had a one night fling that made you realize that there is sexual desire buried deep down, and that it really is just your husband that you feel frigid with. Robert could have been any trusted friend or acquaintance. It's probably infatuation, although I can't say that with certainty. It might be worth exploring, but from a distance at first.

    The point to take from all of this is that you are unhappy in your marriage, and no longer sexually attracted to your husband. If you are ok living this way, then continue to do what it is that you do. However, the very fact that you wrote this entry makes me believe you are not happy. So do something about it. I'm not telling you to have an affair. I'm not telling you to run out and find a divorce attorney. I'm telling you that you really need to take a step back here and re-evaluate your life. Do what makes you happy. It's your life and you need to live it, but also remember to be respectful to your loved ones.

    I'm sure you will do what your conscience dictates, but I hope the analysis of a complete stranger helps you see this from a different angle. Good luck, and thanks for sharing.

15. Crystal says —
    (On March 17th, 2008 at 12:49 pm)

    Dear Ron,

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years he is 37 and I am 26. We both have been married and divorced once, he has 3 teenages from his first marriage and I have none. I treat his kids as if they were my own and love them just the same. We've had a rocky relationship for the past year. I love him dearly and his family adores me and is already calling me his wife and his kids call me Mom. From the outside everything looks good but there are so many forces inside our relationship that makes me question wheather we should stay together. My boyfriend has 2 jobs (one of which he doesn't get paid for yet takes up alot of his time), the job he does get paid for he hates and doesn't make alot of money. We've talked about him finding another job and he looks but not aggressivly. Even though he's not happy with his job or money he won't make a strong effort to find another one. Everyday the only thing he does after work is sit on the couch and watch tv or be on the computer playing games. He's very overweight and has been told several times to eat better and excercise but he won't do it. I always take the kids here and there and make sure everything is taken care of for them. I also make sure the house is clean and we always have food. I have a full time job too and make most of our money. We fight fairly regularly and I feel like he is very lazy and just expects me to take care of everything. I get so frustrated that I lash out at him and call him names, which afterward I feel horrible about and always appologize. He refuses to fight with me, never calls me names or lifts a finger to me which I am greatful for. We've been to councelors and things get better but then a few months later we're back dealing with the same issues. I've threatened to leave a few times and I've even gone to stay with my sister for a few weeks to give him some space and nothing seems to work. I am so involved with his family and kids that it breaks my heart to leave them. I'm at a loss of what to do. My family thinks I should leave and his family thinks I should stay and work it out.I need help!

16. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On March 17th, 2008 at 10:22 pm)

    Crystal,

    You are no doubt in a difficult situation. You have all the responsibilities of a marriage, without the marriage! You obviously love your boyfriend and his kids to be able to put up with all of this.

    This is not an easy situation to give advice on. But, my view on this is that you are not happy. There will never be a "perfect" husband, but you are playing double duty as both the breadwinner and the housekeeper/mother. He should be taking at least one of these responsibilities. You have tried to resolve your issues with counselors, and it hasn't worked. You've even left him, and he did not change his ways.

    Here's the deal. You can stay with him and marry him, but things will probably not change. He will continue to be fat and lazy, and you will continue to do most of the work and make the most money. You will continue to resent him for not doing his fair share. He will likely wait until his health gets to a critical level (a heart attack perhaps) before doing anything about his lifestyle.

    Guys usually are most motivated to change or to do things when the relationship is early or when the stakes are high. He has been with you for a while, and he is already in the "taking you for granted" stage (which is inevitable in most relationships).

    I'm going to use an analogy here. You're a heavyweight boxer who has fought his heart out for 10 rounds. Your opponent just won't budge, and you are dead tired. You just don't have the fight in you anymore. Hit after hit, and your opponent just keeps taking the blows, round after round. Your hits don't even seem to affect him. Maybe its time to throw in the towel and leave the ring to fight another day.

    I wish you the best of luck, but there's no easy advice here. You have to do what is right for you, and I think you already know who that is. Take everyone else out of the equation. Pretend that your boyfriend doesn't have kids. Pretend that the parents are not a factor either. Its just you and him. Without any other factors involved in the decision, would you choose to stay with him? Why or why not?
    Once you can look at things from this angle, I think it will be a little more clear for you to see what you should do. Its often to see these things objectively when we are placed in these situations. Good luck!

17. Eric says —
    (On March 19th, 2008 at 7:47 am)

    Hey there, im stuck in a relationship I don't know what to do. Im am not happy at all in my life. Im stuck in a depression, again. I seem to do this every relationship I get into. I have high expectations(which I know is not good). But then again don't you want to be with somoene who will please you. She does little things to make me happy, but its not by buying things, its what you do. I go out of my way all the time for her. It seems I only get a little back from it. It seems everything is always about "her". This is her first real relationship, we been together for 7 months. But unfort. there is no sparks anymore and we been fighting. She isn't use to being in a relationship, so I figured I would see if she can work things out and change.I also am one who fears being alone. I have a hard time getting my feelings out too. I really care for her, but to me lately its like why am I doing this? And every time we do fight she goes this isn't healthy for you, maybe we need a break. Then I say no, why? And if she keeps saying this she may not be happy right? Im so confused and messed up, any help id appreciate it. Thanks

18. Jeff says —
    (On March 24th, 2008 at 7:06 am)

    I recently found out that my wife is having an affair which she claims is mostly emotional. She did admit that she kissed him and said that's it. Of course I am devastated.
    Here's a little history to explain how we got to this point. First, we have been married for 9 years this month. We have two beautiful daughters and she has a son who's out of the house now. When we got married we were madly in love. However, we've had problems our entire relationship. Mostly due to me. Simply put Ive been a real jerk. I have been abusive verbally, physically at times. I've exposed the kids to my verbal outbursts a few times. I've had problems with pornography. I've also had problems with alcohol which has magnified these other issues. I have done these terrible things many times over the course of our relationship. I developed these vices over the years through my upbringing, in college and when I was single. However, I never thought of myself as having a "problem" until my marriage.

    Through our marriage my weaknesses have been brought to the surface big time. I/we have been to counseling. I feel so hypocritical saying this but I am a Cristian, though I wonder how I could be sometimes. I have been to mens groups and conferences. I have improved a great deal but I fear I'm too little too late.

    I know I don't deserve her and I don't blame her at all for wanting out of this relationship. Now after reading all this you would think, "Why are you surprised she cheated on you?" Well you are right. But the pain is still unbearable. I believe strongly that marriage is a life long commitment. I've taken this commitment for granted. I thought she would always be there. You know for better or for worse. There's just been too much of the worse for her.

    The weird thing is that I'm not really mad at her for what she did. I'm hurt and it's killing me inside. But mainly I am just SO sorry. I love her so much. But how could I do all these things to her. I am completely broken. I "get it" now. Someone said above that when you can't see yourself together forever, it's over. I still can but I don't know if she can. Based on your article above she should have left me a long time ago. She's warned me and given me more chances than I deserve. I just don't think it's supposed to be over. The main thing I want from her right now is not to end it this way.

    I am working on getting help, more help. I am trying to get her to a counselor also so we can properly deal with our relationship. Since kids are involved I don't think her jumping into something with someone else is a healthy thing to do. Like I would know anything about a healthy relationship.
    I'm mainly writing this to get all this out. I take full responsibility for my actions. If that means it's over then it's over and I have to learn how to deal with that. I'm having a very hard time dealing with the strong possibility that I may not see my kids on a daily basis in the near future. That's tough.

19. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On March 25th, 2008 at 4:35 pm)

    Jeff,

    Hang in there. You are off to a good start. Ever watch GI Joe when you were a kid? Knowing is half the battle. I don't know if that will be true in your case, but if you truely love your wife you will do what is necessary to turn your life around. It may be too late, and you will have to learn to accept that. Do all that you can now, and continue doing it. I wish you the best of luck and thanks for sharing.

20. Virgile says —
    (On June 26th, 2008 at 9:05 am)

    Ron,

    I just stumbled on your site while search for tips on relationships. I have been with my BF for 4 years now and for the past 6-7 months we have been arguing more than ever. Anyway recently- in May, we finally managed to put things behind us and move forward. My BF and I truly care for one another and we can't seem to let the relationship go, he has grown in this relationship in ways I never thought he would. I have made my sacrifices and slightly change who I am for him, which is way we've lasted this long. Unfortunately, I believe that that turned out be our curse now, b/c I‘ve always tried to make myself available for him. Sometimes I did it because I wanted to spent that time with him. Well during our arguments I decided I was going out with my friends-dancing. There should be no reason for me to stay home all weekend, while my BF I were at odds. That was the larger part of our arguments- me his GF going out so much, so I told him I won't totally give my friends up for him but I will reduce the frequency. Well for the past two weekends my BF and I hadn’t go anyway, so I told my friends lets go dancing. My BF found out (he asked and I told him), he of course got upset, however I haven’t gone dancing with my friends since May 24, he says I am being inconsiderate. I just want to know what to make of all of this… I love and he loves me and our mutual friends think we will eventually marry.

    P.S that was my goal in this relationship but things change so I changed. I never went out dancing with friends for 3 ½ year in our relationship now I am.

21. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On June 26th, 2008 at 6:41 pm)

    Virgile,

    It seems like the longer or more serious a relationship, the more your partner expects you to spend time with them. There's nothing wrong with this, but there has to be an understanding between the two of you so that there are no hard feelings. Everyone occaisionally needs a "guys night out" or "girls night out."

    My suggestion to you would be to work out a schedule with your BF that is acceptable to both of your and stick to it. If you are a spontaneous person, your plan may be as simple as having one or two days per month to go out with the girls. A plan that may work better, however, is to set aside certain days or to at least require a few days notice for the person going out so that the BF can make plans of his own for the night.

    If you talk about it and agree to set aside time for your friends, there really isn't any good reason for the other person to get irritated or angry. I would also suggest finding out which part of you going out bothers him the most. Is it the fact that you are not with him at the house, or that you don't give him enough notice, or is it that he is resentful that you are having fun and he is not? It's time to dig deeper to find the answer.

    I hope this helps. If you try all of this and it still doesn't work, I would suggest looking elsewhere, unless you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is too needy and/or dependent on you.

    Ron

22. Kit says —
    (On June 27th, 2008 at 3:17 pm)

    Hey Ron,

    I have been with my girlfriend since February of 2007. I have been going through lot's of the usual fighting and common "losing-love" feelings that most of us go through at this stage. My biggest problem is that I can and do want to spend the rest of my life with her. My father passed away last June, and that stripped a major comfort zone out of my life. I was forced to drop out of school and get a job and work for myself. I am 21 years old and my significant other is 25. That is a rather large age difference considering our young age. Obviously, for a women of her stature, she is thinking of marrying in the coming years, and I almost feel like she has forced me to rationalize with this and make it reality. We have talked about the whole, I want to spend my life with you and have talked and made vague plans and such. My biggest issue is we have had a typical passionate but very volatile relationships. (see the book "Why Men Marry Bitches!" for insight there)

    So we have been fighting slightly again, and it all boiled down to the fact that I have been supporting her and lending her money CONSTANTLY until she got a new job. Then earlier this week she blew me off, and I got pissed off and gave her a talking to. She said one thing that made me respond and now we are broken up. She is convinced I broke up with her, but that isn't the way I see it. She owes me A LOT of money and won't respond to my phone calls. She talked to my sister and told her that she loves me and that she doesn't have money and I just don't know where to go with this anymore.

    I could call another girl, but are we broken up? Usually its a pretty cut and clear answer, but it is not. I know she considers us still together. I know she loves me, and I know I love her. But the volatility is doing more harm for me then good. I am the only person my age that I know that has had to work as hard as I have and I haven't met one person that has stood to as much adversity as myself. This makes me very strong headed and stone cold about a lot of things, which in turn causes more fights. (no place for stubbornness in a relationship).

    My question is, should I leave this one laying down…or get back up on that horse and try again. I really love her and WANT to spend the rest of my life with her starting right now. The fighting doesn't seem to stop though…(see my Men Marry Bitches comment above to clear that up).

    -Kit

23. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On June 27th, 2008 at 4:18 pm)

    Kit,

    You say that you can and do want to spend the rest of your life with her, but you also seem to be complaining that she has forced you to think about marriage due to the "stage" that she is at. Also, you lament the volatility of the relationship, but also see yourself with her the rest of your life?

    I wish I had some surefire advice for you on this one, but I don't. I can't tell you whether its time to get back on that horse. You are the best person to answer that question.

    If you want to start dating other people, be sure to let her know first that as far as you are concerned, the relationship is over. If she thinks you're still together, your actions can be construed as cheating, which would destroy any trust you have and any future chances of reconciling.

    Stop supporting her for the time being. If she is not communicating with you and not paying you back, it would be fair to assume that she is avoiding you for some reason. If there is no communication, I don't see an obligation to continue to support her. It sounds like you have enough to worry about already.

    If she comes back to you, it might be a good idea to reevaluate the situation. Does she appear to be coming back because she needs more money? Is she using you? I don't mean to offend you if your relationship is so solid that you couldn't dream of this ever happening, but that's just the skeptic in me there. At 21 years old, it seems to me that you shouldn't have to be supporting anyone (unless you already had a kid).

    Good luck. If you are ready to move on, do it. If not, wait and see how things go. Unless you do end up marrying her though, I wouldn't count on getting that money back. Of course, you can always try the People's Court. =)

24. Phil says —
    (On July 8th, 2008 at 1:14 pm)

    Hi Ron-
    I really am hoping that you could give me some insight about this…I am in desperate need of some advice. My girlfriend and I are 29 years old, and are both attorneys that used to work together. We began exclusively dating each other right before we left the office. We have phenomenal sex together, we enjoy each other's sense of humor, and we appreciate each other's company.

    However, these good times DO NOT outweigh the bad times we experience. We have been in a toxic and volatile relationship for about ten months of the relationship. We argue everyday because we are BOTH very jealous, possessive, and insecure about each other. To make matters worse, she can be controlling and manipulative (for example, she demanded that I change my e-mail address and phone number in case old flames contacted me). She has given me an ultimatum that I must propose in three months, otherwise we should break up. She refuses to compromise, saying that she is almost 30 and has a plan to get married and have children at a certain age. I feel as if she is desperate in finally settling down, since she has had so much bad luck with men and she is envious of her female friends being married and having kids.

    She has also lied to me about her cheating on former boyfriends: three mutual friends of ours, on three separate occasions, recounted a story when she informed them that she had cheated in the past, and felt guilty about it. When confronted about this, she denied saying any of it, and demanded that I believe her or them. My trust in her began to deteriorate rapidly, especially once I began to think back on her last two relationships, and how they overlapped, and how she had one night stands with a couple of men while she was seriously dating one man (although according to her they were on a "break" for about a week). Her last relationship was with a man that she "dated" for about two years, who refused to be monogamous with her for quite some time. She told me that she never trusted him, and never saw a future with him, but nonetheless tried to change him and chase him because, according to her, it was convenient, fun, and exciting.

    The most difficult aspect of the relationship is this problem that I cannot get over: her sexual past is disconcerting. Not so much that she had partners, but rather, the way she went about it. She would go on "breaks" with a few of her long-term relationships, and sleep with other men immediately thereafter, only to get back into the relationship again. She would sleep with about three or four men during a two month break, or have a one night stand during a week break, and get back together with her boyfriend. She is bipolar, so most of her actions were symptomatic of this; she is also extremely insecure (she lost 40 pounds in one year from fasting alone, i.e. anorexia), therefore seeking attention or validation from men was a way for her to feel better.

    Although I've tried to look past those actions as history, I still cannot deal with this, and I don't think I ever will. Every time I look at her, I think of how she allowed herself to be treated, and how she went about treating others. I don't trust her for these actions, and I believe that she has lied to me about other things. I love her very much, although not enough to trust her and to expel her past transgressions from my mind. It's not healthy for either of us. But it's been hard for me to move on, since I feel as though I could never find someone with such chemistry again, and every time I look at her face, I lose the will to leave.

    What do you think? Am I overreacting? Will I encounter this situation with every woman that I seriously enter into an exclusive relationship with? How should I proceed? Should I break up, and if so, how? I would really appreciate any help whatsoever, Ron…I hope to hear from you soon…
    Phil

25. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On July 8th, 2008 at 3:45 pm)

    Wow, this is a tough nut to crack.

    Your gf's behavior is very similar to male behavior, but the underlying reasons appear to be somewhat different.

    There's a lot working against you here Phil. Being that you are an attorney, do not take this as advice, but rather a suggestion =)
    She lies to you, has a history of taking brief "breaks" to go on sex sprees, and seems to want to settle down because all of her friends are doing it. In addition, you can't bring yourself to respect her based on her past. Does that sound like a foundation for a lasting relationship to you?

    Its hard to give up great sex and chemistry, but these things are easier to find than trust, compassion, and love. If I were in your shoes, I would let those three months lapse. She has already given you the tool to end the relationship, so use it. In the meantime, enjoy that great sex and start looking around for your next move. Or, you could "buck up" and end it right now. Its up to you. Don't get pressured into marriage when you're not ready.

    As an attorney, you must be aware of the divorce statistics out there. Don't become one of them. Her behavior is not typical of most women, so there is a very good chance that there is someone out there who is a better match for you. You've still got plenty of time. Your gut tells you that this isn't right, so listen to it. You're not overreacting.

26. AY says —
    (On October 7th, 2008 at 8:01 pm)

    Hi Ron,

    My boyfriend and I were friends for a year before we got attached as a couple. First 2 months were great, subsequently it has kinda changed. He is 7 yrs older than me. Both of us are working. I'm also a part-time student pursuing my degree. He has just got his promotion at work and his workload has increased from both his career and his social work. We're both working together in the social work, that's where we became friends. He did forsee that the relationship will be greatly affected as he will be very busy. Initially, I tried to be cool about it, thinking that I'm independent and should be able to ride it through with him and for him.
    But now we're into the 5th month of the relationship, I'm starting to feel the impact of his heavy workload. I tried to ask him out for a short while, say do breakfast or dinner on one of the days but he would say that he's busy. I know he's not lying but it makes me feel perplexed when I hear him going out with his sis for shopping instead.
    We live near each other (within walking distance) but it doesn't seem to help cos we're not at liberty to go over each other's house (we're staying with our parents and it's not well-accepted, I would say, in a Asian context)
    He has strong interest in astrology and so far has been accurate about it. He forsee that we'll not last till next year and he's most worried about the fact that we're working together in the social work. He does not want it to end badly and affect the others – which I completely agree.
    There are times when we both know that we're talking more like friends than couples. And there are also times when I feel that we can just call it a break and be friends before my emotions continue to escalate and be worse for me when it ends.
    For my sake, he even suggested that we do not get too initmate with each other for fear that I may not be able to take the break-up easily as this is my 1st relationship. So far, we've been very open in our communications with each other. But sometimes he's overly pragmatic and when he say things like that when my emotions are running high, I do break down quite easily without his knowing. As I do not want to put more stress on him than he already have.
    In our relationship, I do see that there are many factors affecting it to a certain extent. With all that added together, I'm really not surprised that it may not work out. Of course I'm sad about it but I'm just waiting to see how it goes…I do not know if it's a good thing that we spend time apart. It's a double-edged sword here. It could make this work out as a really independent but yet supportive relationship or we may just realise that it's better to be friends. I really don't know… I dun wanna be the 1st to break it off.

27. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On October 8th, 2008 at 12:46 am)

    Hi AY,

    There didn't seem to be a question in your post, so maybe you just needed to vent a little and help yourself think through things.

    First relationship is a biggie, and so is the first time you are intimate. It is different for men than for women. If he says things like that, he is being reasonable but also hinting that his career is the priority right now, not you.

    If that's ok with you and you are willing to wait for him, go for it. But, be sure that he wants the same before you do so. You did not reveal your age, but you still sound pretty young, so know that there are other great guys out there if you decide to have a look…you may have to look for awhile.

    You were friends before you started dating, and it sounds as if you are not "intimate" yet, so perhaps it is possible to go back to being friends. When you are both ready, you can explore dating some more.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

28. AY says —
    (On October 8th, 2008 at 1:56 am)

    Hi Ron,

    You're right, I guess I just needed to vent it out here. Sorry bout it. Actually he had already made it clear that his priority is his career, not me. He had used very subtle ways to prepare me for the break-up mentally & emotionally (as though it's the inevitable outcome). We're both clear on the fact that if we were to call it off, we will move on. He even hopes that I'll get a guy first (if we break-up) cos he feels sorry that this did not work out. I know he's being nice & considerate but that's not what I want from him right now as a BF. i cannot change or influence his cynical views bout the relationship and sometimes it makes me wanna call it quits just to make things easier for me emotionally. He gave me the option to 'pull the plug' if I feel like drowning – which at times I do feel this way, but I really dunno… The feelings are still there but very much toned down as compared to 2 months back. Same for him, I can say. Often I wonder why am I still in it when what lies ahead is a question mark. And if the break is inevitable, then why don't I call it quits now rather than to wait? I don't like to drag things but I do not know if it's worth to wait it out and see how it goes. Next yr he'll be travelling around so it's gonna be worse for us. I'm not a needy kinda person but being in a relationship, itz gonna be dissapointing if I need him and he can't be around. Do you think it's silly to give it up just for the fear of the unknown?

29. Sue G. says —
    (On November 25th, 2008 at 11:49 am)

    My b/f has been lying to me about everything and he has been making things up (like he went out, but didn't actually do so). He tries to get me jealous. We've been together for about 5 years. He has terrible mood swings. When he's good, he's good, when he's bad, he's really bad. He finally just started admitting to me some of this. Before he would not admit anything or take any responsibility. What causes someone to lie and make up stories?

30. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On November 25th, 2008 at 12:58 pm)

    Sue, I don't know. I can't speculate on his motives for lying. A psychologist would be better able to answer that question.

31. Lierin says —
    (On December 14th, 2008 at 11:06 pm)

    Hey Ron,

    I hope you can respond. I am twenty three years old and i have been with a man that is 9 years older than me for 4 and a half years. I just broke up with him last night but i do not know if i did the right thing. We first met in May 2004 at work. He is married, got married very young and for the wrong reasons.It started off as a strong physical attraction, where it was just about sex. I was still seeing other people also.I ended up getting pregnant by him but decided to not have the baby, which was very hard to do. I started developing feelings for him, from the beginning even before anything he told me how unhappy he was with her and that the main reason he stayed was for his kids(2) ages now 4 and 5. Eventually I completely stopped seeing other people and only dated him.Starting from January 05 i was only seeing or talking to him. I waited for him to be "ready" to leave. Never gave him ultimatums cause i did not want him to blame me later or throw it in my face during fights etc but he always said he would leave. He finally did about 2 and half years later. He wanted us to both be upfront and have no secrets so he came clean with his "infidelities" and i did too but not all at once. Told him bits and pieces then one day i told him everything I had ever done. Since I lied many times (mind u he had to), he didnt believe me. Some things looked really bad on my part, so even more than before he was very suspicious of me. I begged him to let me prove it to him that i had been faithful and let me take a lie detector test. BIGGEST MISTAKE(Besides others,like being with him while married).I failed the lie detector test, all the questions, which is so incorrect. We started therapy for the second time where the therapist who is also a hypnotist explained why it could of happened and how it is extremely possible that I did not fail because i lied. And it was in our plans for me to take it again but money did not allow us too. Point is there a huge trust issues. He had them even before we met but i added to them. He is and has been verbally,mentally,emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive to me.And i think it has really taken its toll on my feelings for him. I feel like I am getting back at him for alot of things he has done and I have alot of animosity towards him that I thought was gone but I think its still with me and I dont know how to get rid of it. I just feel so angry and tired. In the beginning I was so crazy about him. I lived and breathed him. He never gave me the time of day. Then everything changed, i wanted more from him before and now he can give me more than before and its almost like i dont really want it like before. We have so so many issues so much hurt and pain that we have caused to each other.He tells me that i make him feel that I do not love him, I make him feel that I am with someone else, that i do not care for him. I dont fight for him. I never try and make up for things that I have done etc. I do love him and care for him but I feel like i can not take it anymore. I lie to my mother about the fact that I am or was still dating him etc cause she does not like him at all cause of everything having to do with him being married and he and i lying to her about it. I guess what I am trying to find out is if I am wrong. I feel like i may be making a mistake. There are many bad things about him but there are alot that are good. When we are having a good time its great. But when its bad it is so bad. I just feel terrible. I really hurt him and he thinks that I dont really love him like i claimed or that there is someone else which is very untrue. I feel unhappy all the time and he is too. We disrespect each other so much. We have crossed so many lines. I feel that there is no hope. He feels that i am giving up on us. I can not take the jealousy, the accusations, the sneaking up on me, all these other things that I have to do at times to prove things to him cause he does not believe what I say. I guess it is my fault alot of it, but sometimes its just really ridiculous and I do not feel that regardless of everything that has happenned it should even be that way. I just feel so so bad cause I wish we could be together and everything be better than how it is right now. He told me he will never ever open up to anyone ever again cause I was the only one he ever had opened up to and look where it got him. I just feel so guilty and so lost and confused.I felt we were kind of dependent on each other. We talked fifty times a day everyday I swear, and sometimes i did not want to. I feel so bad saying this cause how could i think like that. We also saw each other at least 6 times a week.Which is nice but I felt that there is no time there to miss each other. Sometimes I am unsure of the real reason he always wanted to see me. Was it to be with me or cause he feels if I am with him I am not out cheating on him. I dont know.Maybe he was trying to make up for the past, I dont know. I feel terrible. Sometimes I think, oh my god this guy really loves me but I dont know if its really true. He told me he never even went to therapy with his wife when they first started having problems way before he met me, but he did with me. I just feel so horrible, so distraught. I can not even think. I have to think negatively about him just so that I dont cry. I just want to call him and tell him that I love him and see him and just stay together and forget about everything bad and just be happy together but there has been so much. I feel like i dont have it in me to fix what i have done. I dont even know how to. He says its simple but its like so hard for me I dont know why. I feel like he is asking for so much from me even though certain things are not too much. I feel like my life has always revolved around him and i tried to change that I ended up just pushing him to the side and making him less important than he was. Sometimes in arguments I just agree with him and tell him that he is right and i am wrong even if I dont really think I am just to make it go away cause I dont want to hear it anymore. I just dont know what to do. I miss him already. So many reminders of him everywhere I look everything I see. I am so scared that I will regret this and want him back and it will be too late. I just did not want to ask him back now cause I feel so unsure and i felt it was not fair to him. I would of asked for some time some space but he wont go for that. In the past I have tried and he says he can not because since he does not trust me he just feels like I am using my "space" to mess around with other guys then come back to him. One thing I must say he was never ever like this in the beginning when we met. Never jealous. Always very secure,to the point sometimes that he was very cocky. He still is he says and he says he is secure he knows he is attractive etc but when it comes to me he feels like i dont find him attractive anymore. Its gotten to the point that while sex is great, my sex drive is so low. Sometimes I really do not want to at all. just not it the mood but I do anyway. But it is very good. Only thing that is always great at least 95% of the time. I just dont know what to do. I looked up toxic relationships and thats us, its scary. We are alike in many ways too and we do have fun together. Enjoy the same things. I do love him I just felt it was time to let go as much as it hurts to no end. If I do love him should i have tried harder than I had instead of giving up? He always said for a year already that I have not gone further than I should. I would try a little then back off. Never really put myself out there and he did. What do you think about this drama? Really sorry my message is all over the place. Please help.

32. Liz says —
    (On December 15th, 2008 at 12:46 am)

    Dear Lierin,

    The current situation of your relationship is truly a reflection of how you entered into it. You both initiated the relationship out of dishonesty. There was no trust to begin with. Trust is the crux of any healthy, longstanding relationship, and an important part of gaining your partner's trust is to be able to engage in one-to-one dialogue with him. From the beginning, rather than talking it through, you both relied on a lie detector machine to validate that trust, and it obviously didn't work out. Another point you mentioned was that during arguments, you sometimes just gave in and agreed with him, even though you didn't truly feel that way because you just didn't want to hear it anymore. It sounds like you were running away from your problems, rather than trying to get to the root of it. Have you ever tried to sit down with him to have a serious talk? Is it not worth the effort to talk it through? Every couple will have disagreements about various issues, but the important thing is that you compromise and work out your differences. It takes a lot of work, but then again, nothing in life is really easy. Everything takes effort.
    I know your biggest concern is whether you did the right thing by breaking up with him. Let me tell you something crucial about relationships, and I hope you can engrave these words in your heart: A relationship is supposed to be based on two people who support eachother and advance together. From what is sounds like, your relationship was not healthy. You said that you felt the both of you were kind of dependent on each other. Of course, in any relationship, partners look to each other for support, but I think the underlying question you should be asking yourself is "Is there any value being created out of this relationship?"
    First of all, this relationship has caused you to lie to your mother. But most importantly,
    nobody deserves to be verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically abused in any type of relationship. If he is, indeed, abusing you in any of these ways, you did the right thing by leaving him. You are responsible for your own actions, and if you allow him to continue abusing you, you are in fact disrespecting your own life.
    You shared that you held a lot of resent. Does a huge part of you resent your ex for not keeping the baby?
    Break ups are always difficult. Everything will remind you of him at the beginning, but the first step is not to look back in the past, but to move foward with the attitude "from this moment on…" My suggestion would be to take up some hobbies, read a book,go see a movie, exercise or hang out with friends. Do something to keep yourself preoccupied during this healing process. I promise you that the classic adage "time heals all wounds" is absolutely true. Just give it time.
    The fact that you are contemplating about this relationship and recognizing its ups and downs is a good thing. With anything in life, extremism will lead to a dead end. I know it must hurt to think of all the good times you had with him, but when you think about the bad times, you expressed that you just feel terrible. That's because a relationship that thrives on a YoYolike life style is based more on emotion rather than reason. Be wise with your choices. I think there is always a lesson to be learned from any situation. People can only grown through experiences. I hope this helps.

    Sincerely,

    Liz

33. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On December 15th, 2008 at 11:09 am)

    Hi Lierin,

    I agree with Liz. Without trust, this relationship has very little chance of success. He has low self esteem, which leads to the physical and mental abuse, as well as a lack of trust. It's time to let this fish go and land yourself a new one. I wish you the best of luck and Happy Holidays.

    -Ron

34. Sarah says —
    (On January 7th, 2009 at 9:25 am)

    Hi Ron,

    Im in a bit of a relationship bind here.

    I started seeing a guy last October. Two months later I am here pregnate. The relationship intially started out great. Then we had a falling out and his retaliation was to call everyone in my phone and call me a "Whore" and fabricated many lies. Then he broke into my email and was throwing things from my past in my face. Then to top it all off he put a disgusted blur up on Craigslist under "missed connections".

    Since I am pregnate and want this child I forgave him. But I do not trust him at all and I do not want to have sex with him. It has been a month. This morning as I get ready for work we are fighthing about it and then he kicks me out of his house! I didn't even have my jacket on and its raining out side. When I make a move to leave he tries to physically stop me and then I beat him up.

    I can only ask, should I try to work things out further with him? At this point I am very frustrated and he cries every day. I dont know what his emotional malfunction is- but I know if I werent pregnate I wouldnt deal with him.

    Should I deal with him regardless?

    Please help!

    ~S~

35. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On January 7th, 2009 at 11:25 am)

    Sarah,

    Just because you want your child does not mean you should remain in a highly unstable relationship which seems to barely have a shred of trust. From what you are saying, it appears that your relationship with this man is dysfunctional. If I were you, I would get out of that situation pronto. Your boyfriend may have some mental issues that make him an unsuitable mate for raising a child. There are plenty of single mothers out there. Although it is not an easy life, at least you will be able to nurture and raise a child in a stable and loving environment. I hope this helps. Good luck.

    -Ron

36. Ashley says —
    (On January 27th, 2009 at 6:13 pm)

    Hi Ron,

    I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. Currently I am studying abroad in another country until four months from now. I've been gone for already 4 months, but we were able to be together over the break for about a month. The main way we communicate is through instant messaging, with very few phone calls due to the cost. We've been having a hard time due to the instant messaging. We are both sick of the problems it causes, and the way we have to wait for them to read what we say instead of hear it. It has caused a lot of problems this past week for us, and caused some pretty severe fights as well.

    Just a bit ago, he said he wants to stop talking on it for good. I asked him if he means to not talk to me he said yes. I asked if he meant a break, but he said no. I don't understand what he wants. How can he not want to talk to me anymore, and yet not take a break or break up?

    And why would he want to stop talking to me? He has also said that he's tired of having to "deal" with me. He says he spends 90% of the time just trying to cheer me up, and that there is no chance to talk. I can't believe he would rather never hear from me again for four more months.

    The reason why he says he has to spend all his time cheering me up is because earlier this week, we had a big fight. During this fight he started purposefully ignoring me, saying this was the only thing that got "through to me" when I was "going off" on him. What he means by "going off" is when we're instant messaging each other during a fight, sometimes I keep typing what I'm trying to say without responding to what he said till after I'm finished. I tried to give him alternative ways of getting my attention so that I won't talk over him again, but he says that he'll continue using the silent treatment as a way to "get through" to me.

    Also, we have had some very hard times in the past. He is very against drinking, and at some points was trying to control me by telling me not to drink or he'd break up with me. I tried not drinking for him, but eventually I broke down under pressure of friends and family after he almost did break up with me. I drank to get drunk, and events followed that lead to me being unfaithful to him. We worked through that problem, as far as I know, but sometimes I worry that he's just waiting for an excuse to break up with me. I realize now that drinking is not a good choice for me, for several reasons not just because of this, and I've stopped.

    I'm asking for your advice on what to do in the situation I'm in currently, which is, what do I do about my boyfriend wanting to stop talking, yet not take a break or break up? I feel like he's being ridiculous by not working through the limitations of technology with me.

    Please help me out with this problem!
    -Ashley

37. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On January 27th, 2009 at 11:08 pm)

    Hi Ashley,

    A long distance relationship is tough, but not impossible. Your boyfriend may be a little extreme when it comes to drinking, and I've met people out there that are very strictly against it. There's nothing wrong with that, but I certainly don't appreciate it when others try to impose their beliefs on me. Whether this is a deal breaker for you is completely up to you. For purposes of this response, I will assume that you are fine with it, or that you will eventually find a middle ground with your bf that will allow you to get along. Let's focus on your current communication issue.

    Besides instant messaging, there are other options out there now. You can actually talk over the internet. You need a cheap microphone/headset to do this, but you can find them for about $20. You can get a USB set, or get it with a microphone audio plug. You can use some instant messaging services to chat online now, and some even include video chat. Of course, whether you can use video depends on the speed of your internet connection. As long as you have DSL speeds you should be ok. Do a little online searching, but I'm pretty sure Google chat and AOL instant messenger allow you to do this now.

    Alternatively, you can also look into IP voice services. There is a monthly fee, but its very low compared to normal phone service. This will also require you to buy a headphone set like I mentioned above. One of the most popular services is Skype, which allows you to make free calls internationally.

    Hopefully this information will help you with your interruption problem while chatting online. Now you can hear each other's voice (for better or worse, lol).

    Good luck, and let me know if this helps!

    -Ron

38. Miranda says —
    (On February 11th, 2009 at 4:47 am)

    Ron,
    I have been in a relationship with my bf for over a year now. We met back in college about 8 yrs ago but met back up about a year ago and things have moved in warp speed since then. He was living elsewhere when we met. It was hot and heavy at first so much that he decided to move back home to be with me. Soonafter, he got a job across the country and quickly asked me to come with him. I was so in love with him and the idea of starting our own little adventure together that I didnt even blink an eye.

    We moved and got engaged about 4 months later. I had to go out of town and while I was gone the week after we got engaged I cam home to find out that he had gone online to a sex site looking for dates. he says he was just bored and lonely while I was out of town. But still he has lost my trust and since then I question everything he does. He also has a little bit of a drinking problem. He drinks way to much and lies everytime he does. Not only that but its like Jekyl and Hyde when he drinks because he is very mean- borderline verbally abusive when he drinks. But when he is sober things are wonderful.

    I am not a naive girl. I have had many relationships in my past. enough to know what I want and what I dont want. I love him with all my heart and if it weren't for the drinking/lying I think we would be in the right place. I feel like I have done everything I can to make this relationship work and I love him very much but feel like I cannot make him feel the same way about me. I miss my home and my friends and at this point don't want to walk away from him but feel like he owes it to me to say the words that he does not want to be with me anymore so if I go home I can feel like I gave it my all.

    I want to beleive that it was our situation that brought us to where we are and if we just give it time for the dust to settle in our new place that things will get better. That is alot to go through in the first year of a relationship. We moved to a new place not knowing anyone/no friends, still have not made many friends, I was unemployeed and without a car for the first 4 months, neither one of us like where we are but need to stay because the job opporutnity is incredible for him. That is just alot of stress for anyone let alone the first year of a relationship.

    Also, he wants to know why I have not moved forward with wedding planning and its not that I dont want to marry him its just that until I know I will not have to spend eternity with a mean alcoholic, I am in no hurry to make plans for a wedding. What are your thoughts on this relationship? is it salvagable or would it best best to cut ties and walk away while we still can?

39. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On February 12th, 2009 at 12:31 am)

    Hi Miranda,

    You caught me at a bad time (I'm sick at the moment) so I will be brief because I still want to try to help you out.

    If you think your fiance's drinking is a big problem, then it probably is (at least for you). If he is verbally abusive and doesn't take steps to correct that, then he is not doing all he can to make the relationship better.

    If he was looking at a porn site while you were gone to get his rocks off, I really don't see the harm in that. Most men do it. If their women doesn't allow it, they will try to be sneaky. Now, if he was actually trying to find a sex date online while you gone, thats another story. Ask him and clarify what he was doing. Just an FYI…most of these porn sites have devices built in that cause many other web sites to start opening. Before you know it, there are 5 sites open when the user only meant to go to 1 website. Many of them are linked to dating sites. I'm not trying to necessarily defend him, but you should know that before you make any assumptions.

    You have experienced a great deal of change in a short period of time. You said you love him. Before you pack your bags and move back home, you should probably see a marriage counselor and try to work things out. The counselor may be able to help you see if either of you is blowing things out of proportion, or whether you are merely experiencing problems that many married people have.

40. Miranda says —
    (On February 12th, 2009 at 4:39 am)

    Ron,
    Its not the fact that he is looking at a porn site. In fact, I encourage that. I think he helps boost a healthy male sexual appetite. But he had gone into a chat site and exchanged personal email addresses with a woman. They wrote back and forth to eachother at least 5 times. They talked about what they were looking for in a mate, what they were into sexually, etc. When she asked him what he was looking for, he said "someone he could grow and experience new things with". HELLO! What do you call packing up every beloning I have and jaunting 1600 miles across the country to live with you? I call that growing and experiencing new things – in every way!

    I have asked him to seek help with his alcohol because if you catch him in the right mood he admits there is a problem. And by problem I mean, I send him to the grocery for milk and eggs and he comes back 1 hr later after sitting in the Kroger parking lot and downing a bottle of wine and disposing of the evidence before coming home. Is that a problem?

    I think when you get engaged and ultimately married, you have to start thinking in a "we" mentality. Every decision I make, I think how it is going to effect us. Every decision he makes, he just worries about himself. And when I try to get involved in his life instead of welcoming it because I am the woman he loves and adores, he spits at it. For instance,my father was disgnosed with Lung Cancer directly linked to smoking. My fiance smokes, I try so hard to tell him how bad it hurts me that he does it despite the fact that I am ultimatley going to lose my father to lung cancer. You would think that he would be sensitive to that. But instead he just gets mad at me and tells me to deal with it and that its who he is. He never smoked when we first started dating.

    I know I am talking your ear off and I do not need an immediate response because I would rather you get feeling better and respond when you feel up to it. Thanks!

41. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On February 12th, 2009 at 9:37 am)

    Miranda,

    Thanks for clarifying. Well, he definitely has a drinking problem, and he was definitely flirting with other girls online. Whether he intended to actually go through with it, I suppose some would argue that it doesn't matter.

    You have some very hard decisions to make. Do you go back home, where your friends and family support you or do you stay here and hope things get better?

    From the looks of it, he doesn't intend to change the fact that he smokes. If he understands how bad it hurts you and he is not willing to change, then you have to decide if you are ok with that. My guess is that you're not.

    He has three strikes against him; heavy drinking for no apparent reason, smoking, and flirting with other girls online (possibly to hook up). In baseball, three strikes means you're out. I don't think you'll be happy if you stick around with this guy. You can find great sex and passion with another man who doesn't treat you quite as bad. If you do leave, you may actually be doing your fiance a favor. It might be just the kick in the butt he needs to start making changes in his life. As long as you are there, why should he change? He has everything he needs right there.

    You might want to consider an "in between" route if you still love him. You can pack up and move home. Tell him you can't deal with the drinking and the smoking. Tell him he hurt you by flirting with other girls. Tell him if he gets his act together you'll consider being with him again.

    Ok, there's my two cents. Good luck!

42. Jessy says —
    (On March 6th, 2009 at 4:50 am)

    Ron,

    My bf and me are in long distance realationship. However, I have had problem about broken trust from him because 2 years ago he cheated on me. I didn't know for sure he had sex with other women but I finally found out and he told me he did about 1 month ago. Even though, it happend 2 years ago, when I knew the fact it killed me. So now, I really don't have strong trust about him and we are in long distance relationship since 1 week ago. Could you advice that I can think positive and have healthy relathionship? Today, I really feel I can not keep this relationship because I dont feel we communicate often. (we only talked through aim)

43. Sam says —
    (On March 6th, 2009 at 5:33 am)

    Jessy,
    I am not Ron but I can tell you right now. If you do not trust him now and you have distance as a factor you are going to drive yourself nuts wondering what is going on and where he is all of the time and if he is telling the truth. Not to mention, how you are going to drive him nuts with the accusations. Take it from someone who has been here and done this before. I know its hard to do, but wouldn't you rather be sad for a few months getting over him than miserable for the rest of your relationship wondering if he has a wandering eye or worse a wandering man part. . . . one of two things can happen: he may be honest with you but because the trust is broken you will accuse him so much to the point that he will eventually leave. OR he will continue disrespecting you and lying and you will deal with this forever or until you decide enough is enough. Get out while you can. There are no strings attached. No kids, no mortgage, etc. Somewhere out there is a man who will think you are too precious and sweet to ever cheat on you. Imagine how "in love" you are now times it by 1,000 and this is how you will feel when you find someone who truly deserves you. Hope it helps.

44. Jessy says —
    (On March 6th, 2009 at 6:42 am)

    Thank you very very much that you responded.

    If you don't mind, I want you listen more detail right now situation.

    We have been dating for 2 years. Last 7months, we were together and could have time a lot but we had to seperate 1 week ago. We have to be seperate 6 months more and then if we still in love we will see each other and keep dating.
    However, as I told you he broke up trust. Even though, he apologized from his heart it was not really enough to forgive him. Because, it was shocking to me. I really dont know why he didn't tell the truth at that time(2years ago, when it happend)
    and finally he gave the truth 1month ago.. Anyway, he said he never hurt me again… I could feel he won't do that again. I really want to trust him but shocking remind me sometimes and bother me often.
    I know he loves me and want to be with me. I do too. But, I don't know I can rebuild the trust as long as he try so hard.

    Now we are in long distance. I am just observing wheather he really want to be with me or not. But, I dont feel strong enough. I feel like I need more love , more attention.

45. Sam says —
    (On March 6th, 2009 at 7:40 am)

    Unfortunately I have been in your situation before. It is not unfair of you to want or need more attention. There are men out there that will give it to you. There are just some men that do not like women,like ourselves, that need that extra attention especially after being hurt and lied to. You get to the point that you need to decide. DO you give him that trust again and put your heart on the line to possibly be hurt again? If you are going to do it, you need to redirect those thoughts anytime you start to think he is lying to you or you question things he says or does. It can work, you just have to make a conscious effort. Or you need to chalk it up to a lesson learned and move on. It has to be your call but like I said, once you make that decision you need to either move on and tell yourself once trust is broken, you cannot go back. OR you need to give that person 100% of your trust and a complete 2nd try. Tough decision.

46. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On March 7th, 2009 at 4:10 pm)

    Jessy,

    I can tell you this much, long distance relationships do not work when there is not already trust between both parties. The question you need to ask yourself is "Do I still trust him?" If the answer is no, you should start over with someone else.

    If you were still living close together, my advice would be different. However, you specifically said it was a long distance relationship. Its hard to build back trust when you are hundreds or thousands of miles apart. Best of luck to you!

47. John says —
    (On April 4th, 2009 at 3:07 am)

    Ron

    Ive been with my girlfriend for almost a year and it started amazingly – probably too much so. We got on incredibly well, had similar values and energy level (just read the compatability comments!) but how we dealt with problems was very different. I liked to face them, talk about them and move on. My gf liked to brush them under the carpet and move on. Eventually I got her to open up and start to talk about her problems and the things she found difficult.

    This turned into a constant download of all her issues all the time. I realised that when she wasn't happy we as a couple weren't happy. So I tried to help her get through her difficulties.

    In trying to help her I feel like Ive almost been squeezed out of the relationship. I've been so exhausted and drained just trying to keep her afloat over the last 6 months that I haven't felt as though we havent had any time for me. I tried to talk about these things but don't think I did very well. It got to the point a few weeks ago that I said that I'd had enough and wanted to end the relationship. This came as a complete surprise to her that I had been so unhappy. We talked through it and agreed that we would try and rectify some of the problems.

    During the last few months I had tried to talk to her about most of the issues but it wasn't easy. She found it hard to analyse the relationship and a small issue that I was having turned into a massive all night intensive conversation that left us both drained. Which I guess has meant that I've probably not talked about things with her as much as I should have.

    One of my concerns is that during these conversations we established that my gf wants to find someone who will look after her and I want to be with someone who will be my best friend. She is now happy with me being her best friend but I'm not sure if she knows how to be mine.

    The difficulty is that we get on so well and have an amazing time together when things in her world are ok. When they're not then I'm helping her sort out her world. I love her but am a little confused as to how we can progress past this point. She feels betrayed and hurt because I tried to end it and I'm confused about whether she can provide what I want and if its worth fighting for. Any comments would be very welcome.

48. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On April 5th, 2009 at 2:04 am)

    John,

    I recommend that you both go in for couples counseling. This is not a clear cut situation, and it could honestly go either way. If you are able to understand one another better through counseling sessions, you may be able to better support one another, or learn how to do that better.

    I advise you to do your homework, because some therapists are better than others. In a long term relationship, you must learn to support each other. If you are doing all of the support, it is a heavy burden and the relationship may end badly because you will feel resentment. It sounds like your gf needs to learn to support you as well. We all go through rough patches, but if it goes on too long as you said, it can be draining.

    Best of luck to you. Some things are worth fighting for, and I advise you both to go to at least 3 sessions of counseling before you make that determination.

    -Ron

49. ed says —
    (On April 6th, 2009 at 8:46 am)

    Hi Ron,

    I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this, but please reply to my dilemna!
    My girlfriend And I are both 22y.o. and went out for one year. She broke up with me about 3 months ago. I went into complete and utter panic mode. You name it, I did it; called her when I was angry, sad, all the time, etc. After about 2 weeks of wondering what happened I was still in panic mode and anytime I talked to her she just told me she didnt want to give up just yet. I stupidly held onto that hope and didn't change myself at all, I just hoped it would work out.

    In fact I even planned to go back to my hometown a couple hours away for the weekend, but at the last moment I invited her to come with me. That whole weekend I was a state, trying to recover from this crisis, with her there the whole time. As a result I think I ended up pushing her further away. She told me she didn't know why we broke up, she just didnt want to 'drag it on.'

    I thought about taking time to myself, I refused to take anyone's advice because I figured I just needed to do this myself. The paradox of it all was that I wasn't taking time to myself at all, I was just focusing on ways to fix the breakup.

    Now that the dust has settled I can see completely why she broke up with me, and I dont blame her in the least. I was heavily addicted to computer gaming and I neglected not only her, but my own personal goals, I became very lazy and careless.

    Well things have changed now, I've completely changed my outlook on life and started again to work towards goals I've had, I've become very organized and I'm no longer neglecting my health and career. I am also no longer worrying about what she's thinking and what I could have done.
    But still though, I just wish I could be with her or to at least show her that I've changed. We both agreed to really make an effort to take time apart until I could be myself. I haven't talked to her in about a month and a half now because I didn't feel like I was ready to. I wanted to be myself so that I could show her the old me again. I tried calling last week and no answer. She has caller ID and knows that I called, should I keep trying? The last thing I want to do is show any desperation at all, because I think that's partly what killed it in the end.

    I would ideally like to call her and set up a rendez-vous but not come across as desperate. It would just help me get some final closure to it all and get on with my life, with or without her. Does it matter anymore at this point? What should I do?

    thanks,
    ed

50. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On April 6th, 2009 at 10:50 am)

    Ed,

    Brace yourself for some blunt analysis. Your behavior during the breakup was bad, some might even say desperate. However, it's good that you were able to take a step back and make changes to your life.

    People don't change easily, so I'm a little skeptical that you changed all of this in a month and a half. However, even if that is the case, she might not believe it either.

    The best way to get back your gf is by moving on. You will be attractive to her if you are confident, self-aware, and not needy. I advise you not to call her anymore.

    However, if you are dead set on this then I suppose you could show up with a hot date at a place she hangs out. Eventually, you may bump into her and mention that you are just dating and not in any serious relationship. It would be up to her to make the first move.

    I'm not condoning that sort of thing, but it would be your best shot at getting her interested again. Relationships rarely turn out rosy after a breakup, so keep in mind that the odds are against you.

    Good luck!

    -Ron

51. Mike says —
    (On May 7th, 2009 at 10:47 pm)

    HI

    Hope someone can help me with this one and tell me whether ive been a selfish person or not. Honest replies would be great:), never hurts to learn from mistakes, no matter how hard they are.:(

    I met my partner 6months ago, and we have had a nice relationship, apart from a few rocky parts here and there. We both live seperately. I work fulltime 8-5 job and she is a mother of 2 at home, doing parttime study during the day. I own a house that is causing a number of problems, and is taking a large part of my time. I dont know when I last saw any of my friends since the relationship or much else.

    When we spent time together we got on well and had a lot of fun together. We are limited in what we can do as we cant go out much etc.
    We have not gone out much and generally only spend time at each others place watching movies or boardgames and talking etc.
    She has increasingly mentioned how much she wants to see me more, and how im always busy and trying to desert her trying to get off and get my own stuff done.
    I generally try and spend Wed, Fri and Sat and sometimes Sunday evenings with her. Always spend part of the weekend day together as well, but not the full weekend.
    I dont have a lot of time to spare, and really try and make an effort to meet those days with her as I know they are important to her.
    She says im too busy for a relationship, and yet friends and family have said the amount of time Im putting in is ok, however after reading lots of posts on this site im starting to think I need to see her lots more.
    Dont get me wrong, I love spending my time with her, I just also have lots of other stuff happening in my life.
    Am I too busy for her as she says and my life is full of chaos or is she being slightly unreasonable…or am I the wrong sort of person she is looking for?

    I dont know what to do, she has said good bye to me tonight via txt, which is harsh, but not before bringing up the number of things Ive said id do for her, and didnt. I feel so bad after this, I mean well, yet I forget things, maybe cause of everything I have on in my life.

    I love her and the kids so much, and its a totally different relationship to what Im used to in the past, where I honestly didnt make that much effort. I dont know why, shoot me

    I have dated other woman, and anything over twice a week was too much for some of them, is it she is just different and wanting whats right, or im just being selish?

    Is she right? Am I really too busy?

52. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On May 8th, 2009 at 4:31 pm)

    Hi Mike,

    If you are spending time with her 3-4 times per week, I think that's plenty. Some women require more attention (are less independent) than others. If she needs more of your time, and you simply cannot give it, then perhaps she is not the one for you.

    Make sure that the time you DO spend with her is quality time. Plan something that they will remember. Take the kids somewhere, or plan a short day trip. It would probably be better for you not to see her Wed and Fri, and instead take them on an all-day trip on Sat and/or Sun. Work on getting that "list" of things you said you would do for her crossed off.

    If the things you promised are just too expensive, well maybe you shouldn't have promised them.

    That's all of the feedback I can give for now. Good luck, and let me know how it goes (I like to write that, even though nobody actually comes back to let me know how it went).

    -Ron

53. Bethany says —
    (On August 25th, 2009 at 9:00 am)

    Hey Ron,

    I don't know if you are responding to anymore comments but I thought I would try. I am completely lost as to what I should do with my current relationship.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 3 months. At the beginning it was awesome, we started off long distance (about 3 hrs apart for 6 months) and we would see each other on the weekends. It was fun and not too serious for the either of us which was perfect since we were both college students. I am 22 and he is now 23.

    After I graduated college we decided to move in together so that we would remain close and I moved myself and all my belongings into his city. This is where things started going downhill.

    I started noticing that he had A LOT of "girl" friends, not just a few here and there but the majority of his friends were girls. I have no problem with him having female friends but he would never introduce me to any of them and would spend hours upon hours texting girls, facebooking them, even meeting new ones and telling them how nice it was to meet them. I started to feel a sense of betrayal, like I wasnt good enough for him. Not only that, but he is OBSESSED with sex. Watching porn by himself several days a week even though I've said i'd watch it with him to spice things up a bit ( he said he was uncomfortable with that), talking about strip clubs and "hott" girls with his friends, using derogatory language for female parts with his buddies…etc.etc. I've told him time after time how all of this makes me uncomfortable and he could care less. All he tells me is that, he's a guy and guys do that…but why is he always chatting up girls that I dont know, failing to introduce me to them, and talking about hot girls he's met with his buddies all of the time if he really loves me? Not to mention that we broke up for 2 weeks, and when I came back found an opened box of condoms (that we don't use) in his drawer…all while he was calling me everyday to tell me how much he loved me and missed me.
    He gave me some lame excuse and denied ever having sex with someone but I dont know how i can trust him…he won't take any responsibility for anything!

    I also have a history of searching his phone when I feel uncomfortable and suspicious and now hes resorted to deleting texts and taking his phone with him everywhere even into the bathroom! I am controlling but what does he expect?! He sneaks behind my back to do things, even if they arent bad.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I've suggested counseling to help us rebuild trust in our relationship and he's agreed to it. But at the same time I see this longing in him to be single. I even asked him if he wanted to be single and he said yes but he wanted me too. He has to pick one!

    Should I continue to stay with this guy and try to work things out, even though he fails to respect my needs and build trust in me? Is he just an immature 23 year old that will soon grow into a man or should I cut my losses and find someone who is over the bachelor lifestyle. I know I'm young and I definitely don't want to get married tommorow but I want someone who is more serious about me.

54. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On August 29th, 2009 at 9:01 pm)

    Hi Bethany,

    Your boyfriend wants to have his cake and eat it too. If you were not looking for a serious relationship, that would be fine. However, it sounds like you are in the mood for more than casual dating.

    I think you should explore your options here. If you are looking for something more serious, perhaps you should find an older man that is more mature and (hopefully) knows what he wants.

    It's probably a bad sign that he never introduces you to his female friends. I don't want to make any guesses as to whether he is or is not sleeping with other people, but it doesn't look good.

    Maybe if you leave him now, he will realize after a short time what he has been missing and will be ready for something more serious. I would say that he would need at least a month to think about his situation.

    I hope this helps. Good luck!

    Ron

55. Niki says —
    (On September 17th, 2009 at 5:01 pm)

    Hi there,

    I broke up with my ex a couple months ago, and now am not sure if maybe I was just being selfish or expecting too much.

    He and I have a lot inn common and really hit it off. He and I each have a young child from previous relationships. (His was with us every other week and mine full-time) This caused huge trouble for us from the begginning. He had issues accepting my daughter and felt guilty for bonding with her. So he did his best not too. As well, it seemed he did not want me and his daughter to bond. I never really understood this. We got along great, when the kids werent around. It's seems that most of our arguments stemmed from them. Usually over parenting styles. My daughter has quite the personality, and he did'nt know how to deal with her because his was much more easy-going and was easier to manage. He couldnt accept the fact that they were different. To add to this, I knew we had to bond with each others kids and suggested that once every two weeks for him to go out and do something fun with my daughter and I'll go do something fun with his. This did'nt last longer than a month. He never gave us the bonding time we desperately needed. Our girls went to the same daycare (where we met) but when it came to droppinf the girls off or picking them up, we were like singles-so seperate. He would pick his up, and then I would pick mine up. It was always a big beal for him to pick up both of them. Or vise versa. I brought up counselling on numerous occasions, but always refused.

    His familly is great and I miss his parents so much right now. He was never as close to my familly though. He is very introverted and usually tried to stay away. If he did come for dinner, he rarely said two words. He has'nt met my sibblings or any of my friends either. And really doesnt want to hear about them. This always bothered me.

    I like to have fun and enjoy the things that life brings. Sometimes, a beer after work and nice convesation is all I need. Over three years, he has never wanted to meet me after work for some "us time" and a drink. So, day after day, I would pick up my girl from daycare and go home. I guess I became a recluse because he would never want to go out and do anything. I dont go out much, but once in a while it's nice – New years for example, he refused, three years in a row. He said I could go without him though. I learned that that was a trap. if I did go on my own, he'd get so jealous and not talk to me for days. Even grabbing a coffee after work with an old girlfriend, he'd get wierd.

    It's not that he never wanted to do anything, but he only wanted to do things with the girls. (But never just mine, only when his was around). This was fun, but at times very overwealming because it was'nt ever natural, and usually ended in an argument. It was always him showing his daughtera bug or somthing, and not even thinking of mine. Like we were split down the middle. him and his daughter. Me and mine.

    He doesnt believe in travelling. This is something I could have worked at, if the other issues werent issues. I love to travel. I want to travel I want to learn about other people and ways of life and history. He absolutely does not care about any of it. After three years I convinced him to take a romantic getaway with me. Just him and I. He said fine, but all he wanted to do was relax. So I planned a beach vacation for relaxation. All of a sudden, he decided he wants to shop, so I change it up. No problem. But then he reveals he just wants to stay close to home and take the kids (his kid) someplace. I explained that I neede him, alone. I explained that our relationship was so strained and we needed a chance to find ourselves together again. I needed that so bad. And he said he did'nt want to. Just like that the trip was cancelled.

    We stopped talking because I felt he did'nt care about my feelings. When we talked it was never about me, my friends, my work, my bad days, or my good days. It was always about what big expensive thing he was planning to buy next, and about his job that he hates – but refuses to find another. I could'nt talk to him anymore. I found it really hard to open up to him at the end.

    I think this is when I realized that life is just too short. I asked him, do you want another 50 years of the 3 we just had? I knew I didn't. And since he had told me the week before that he was'nt happy I was pretty sure his answear was the same.

    I'm finding this hard now, because we definately did have fun sometimes. And when we did it was a blast until the last year. He became very negative, and this rubbed off on me.

    So now, here we are. Single. and it's been a roller-coaster. I got lonely and sort-of asked him out. He said no. Then he did the same. I said no. I still love him, and if he really showed he cared I might go out with him again. (Which I know would likely end in disaster). He has been calling and stuff but never comes out and says how he feels. I am pretty sure he doesnt want me, but wants to keep me at arms lenght – just in case. He says sweet things and that he;s jealous of my life without him. I tell him to stop calling or texting me if in his eyes it's trully over. And if its not – to come talk to me in person and have an actual discussion.

    But he doesnt get it. I don't know what to do or to think. I think I just want to move on from this, but it's hard. And harder when he doesnt let go.

    Should I even be considering getting back with him?

    Was I selfish to leave for these reasons?

    Thanks, and I apologize if none of this makes sense.

56. jake says —
    (On November 30th, 2009 at 3:13 pm)

    what if u love someone and when u r with them u are happy but the moment u leave she tends to not bother. she dnt txt me unless i had txted her previously. we hang out twice a week usually but she has decided to hang with friends randomly on 1 of our days then wot.

57. Kitty says —
    (On February 7th, 2010 at 11:15 pm)

    I am currently going through a very confusing time and I am at a loss as to what to do.

    My partner and I emigrated to NZ 4 years ago I was pregnant with our first daughter and I have since had another. Everything went downhill after the birth of our second daughter. Emotionally I was in a terrible place as the birth was premature and there were a few difficulties. I didn't feel like I had any support from my partner he's never been mentally strong so when I needed him, he wasn't there. I think that was the when something triggered in me.
    He is very home sick and has black moods all the time. We are in conflict here too as I am happy where we are. I am a positive person by nature and he's the opposite. In the beginning this was fine as I didn't mind cheering him up and sorting things out positvely but now I just don't have the inclination or energy.
    I do not feel physically attracted to him anymore and when I think about him at all I just feel numb. We sleep in seperate bedrooms in the beginning this was because he works night shifts. It was supposed to be so we both got sleep without disturbing one another but deep down, that was an excuse. The rows are getting more hurtful I know it can't go on like this. I genuinely believe we should split but I can't help feeling guilty for him being out here. I think if we were still in the UK, we would've split ages ago. I'm normally a strong person but right now that has all left me and I feel weak and confused.

58. Jackie says —
    (On April 8th, 2010 at 1:17 am)

    Through the "articles" I ahve read, not one of them touched my heart as this one. I literally did cry, facing the realizations…. matter of fact not even realizations but my subconcious and so forth. The whole time i was thinking "god what the efff is wrong with me? It is not me because if it was he wouldnt have wanted to be with anyone more beautiful inside and out. I realize he is struggling with his own insecurities and as a result is that of which I suffer. Ofcourse he doesnt want to make me feel or even say that i am beautiful, after all that may be one further step away from him. However females are not always about looks or physique sometimes we settle for what appears to be a down to earth man who accepts his own flaws and our own and "expect" him to be alright with everything he is not. The lowest blow is bringing someone else down with you. As an absolutely "amazing" yet humble induvidual who could literally have anyone who laid eyes on her, I settled for too many men who made me feel less than confident. This is part of their game,belittle you until you feel like you are worth nothing and no man would ever want you and they have you like putty in their hands. he will walk all over you take advantage of you for sure and because of his ego, trick you into thinking hes the only man for you who would care about you, etc… etc… etc… I do know this ladies, this is where they all go wrong in thinking we "need" them as apposed to choosing them to be around. If I have a man in my life, it damn sure isnt because I need him, it is strictly by choice and fuck accomodating my lifestyle to his needs… thats what his mother and father are for. So you see ladies it is a seperation of degree, peter pan sindrome write home to mother and if ur lucky she'll make u a pb and j.

59. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On April 8th, 2010 at 8:02 pm)

    Jackie,

    Your comments are general in nature. Although all of the men you have met may have been characterized by the "game" you describe, not all men act this way. Your opinions are duly noted, but this is a relationship advice column, not a man-hating festival.

    Thanks,
    Ron

60. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On April 8th, 2010 at 8:28 pm)

    Kitty,

    Sorry for the late response. I hope I'm not too late. The main concern I would have is for your children. If this is not a huge obstacle for you, you should do what is right for you. If he is unhappy in NZ, he has the ability to go back to the UK. If you leave him, he will have no excuse to stay in NZ and be miserable.

    It is not clear to me from your post whether you are married or not. If you are not, this makes the decision even easier (although I realize it is not easy to begin with). If you are able to support both children on your own, I think you will realize what you must do to have a happier life. If you want to avoid a breakup, you can request that your partner see a therapist. Perhaps therapy and/or medication could help with the mood issues.

    Good luck,
    Brandon

61. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On April 8th, 2010 at 8:31 pm)

    Niki,

    If you are reading this, your reasons were valid, and I hope you are happier now. Your feelings and your daughter are important issues, and you were right to consider these.

    Thanks,
    Ron

62. Avana says —
    (On April 10th, 2010 at 11:39 pm)

    Hey Ron,

    I'm not real sure if your still answering to people and stuff but I feel as though I need to get advice one last time before I seriously decide.

    The gist of it is that my boyfirend and I have been together for 2 years. We have had major ups and downs, tears and laughter together,He is my best friend and we get along great when we don't fight. but I feel as though we've really reached a wall and a all time low in our relationship. I love my boyfriend very much, but we both are at a breaking point. My boyfriend and I have had ALOT of issues we've worked though and still need to work through. However one BIG one is trust. He started out with my trust and it just went downhill. I told him in the very beginning my main thing is honesty, don't lie to me ever. I want to build that trust so we could really have something special together.

    However within the first few monthes of our relationship he lied, ALOT about things involving his ex-girlfriend. Through investigating I found he was still talking to her (which wouldn't be a problem because I didn't mind, I didn't want to control him or anything). However I saw that in these conversations he was still talking about being with her, and loving her and ect. Which this when I found out completely tore me apart. Because when I confronted him about it , he lied until the cows came home. After much painful endurings he finally came clean in a way, and agreed to stop this nonsense and change his ways. Then even after, she was incredibly manipulative and trying to break up up. However I tried to be very nice to her many times, but all she did was be nice to my face and say nasty things behind my back to the rest of his friends.Even though I really hated it because of how manipulative she was, I didn't complain with them still being friends. It wasn't until I got really fed up with her two-faced ways when I told him, the friendship had to end becuase she was destructive.

    Fastfoward to about last june, and i found out just by messing with his Itouch (accidently incidently) that he was finding people on chat sites and having private emails with them and them sending him pornagraphic photos of themselves. When I confronted him, he lied and lied and lied about it, and we nearly broke up. It was excrutiating to deal with all of it. Because he insisted he did absolutely nothing wrong. He even lied straight to my face when I asked him about all of it , claiming I had found his mother's email and he made the email under his name for her, and he had found it was surprised by it too. It wasn't until days later he acknowledged it was him. Then monthes later before he admitted what he did was even the slightest of bit wrong.

    Fastforward to about a month ago, there was this week where I had achieved honor awards and I had invited him to go out to dinner with my family and I to celebrate. He said he couldn't because he had to go visit a family friend with his mom (they're very close )and he was really sorry, we hung out that saturday, then we couldn't hang out sunday because he had to work all that day.
    However after seeing a picture posted on facebook of him and two of his friends that are girls and I noticed the date it was posted. It was posted the day of my celebration dinner and one of the girls commented how how much fun they had had on that day. I was absolutely enraged to find he had lied to me again, and not been there for me on the one day it was to celebrate me!

    He tried to lie and lie his way out of it, and I kept finding the errors in what he was telling me. Until finally I said it was over, and he came clean about how he doesnt like my parents so he hung out with his two friend that are girls and they went to these stores and get ice cream. (which he HATES to go shopping with me, but will go with ANY of his other friends that are girls). The saturday he had hung out with me, then on sunday he went to work and brought his friend jessica (he didn't even think for a second to bring me, NOT her) whose a total hoe (sorry but she is) with him the whole time he was there!(main reason that i don't like her is because she lied about the fact she had a private converstaion with me to my boyfriend and lied to my boyfriend about it. But he doesn't care that apparently his 'bestfriend' lied to him)

    During this whole time we've been together these were the big lies I found out about, however I'm positive there were smaller lies inbetween.

    Today was our 2 (april 10) year anniversary, and i went out got him a gift, got dressed up and was ready with a smile to have a great day and he just starts it with being a total and complete ass, with an attitude about everything. Eventually it got better later on, but then got very bad later. I looked at his phone (which he hates because he has control issues)and saw texts from him and jessica about getting dinner together, when he said he went home and fell asleep the other night. And I don't know how to believe him on anything. I used to be so rational, and cool about everything. but after all these lies i turned into a crazy jealous mistrustful girlfriend. I try really hard though to push past it. I know he works very hard, and I do everything I can to support him, show him I appreciate him and respect him. But i feel it goes by completely unnoticed. and after it all has the nerve to go on about how pissed he gets at me looking at his phone, and how I should trust everything he says and let stuff go!

    We've gotten into so many fights lately over trust and all he ever tells me is how much I stress him out, and I'm always calling him a million times (which I admit i do, because i don't trust him, i just want him to answer the phone and not ignore my calls, and just get confirmation on what hes doing) and ect. He is so selfish and makes it about him and even told me how he feels he has to control everything and can get away with anything.

    Just after everything, I don't know what to do because I feel incredibly emotionally drained, because i feel like i give and give and give, and he feels to equvialent to my giving to taking me to restaurants once in while or buying me an expensive girft. Which its not! He just doesn't understand how much he affects me.

    I feel like i'm out of hope, i'm on my last strand to save my relationship. He tell me to trust him and get over my jealousy and trust issues. But what he needs to do is grow the hell up, and realize that im coping in the only way i know how, hes broken my trust so many times, Its torn me apart. Personally I think calling in to check and checking his texts is a very light thing to deal with after everything hes put me though.

    Please help me,I'll take any advice, I'm at my last end. I want nothing more then to try to salvage this relationship if I can. We've accomplished so much together, I can't stand to see it go down the tolit.

63. Ron Zvalesky says —
    (On April 11th, 2010 at 9:50 am)

    Avana,

    Thank you for clarifying your situation. I know two years can seem like an eternity, but in the grand scheme of things, it is not.

    Here's the problem (as I see it). Your boyfriend has done multiple things which have caused you to mistrust him. So, you trust him less. Since you trust him less, you behave in ways that are insecure and off-putting (checking up on him), which pushes him away even more.

    Without both of you working hard to rebuild that trust (and it doesn't sound like he wants to try), you need to move on. I don't see how you can have a happy and healthy relationship without trust. If you do move on, remember thatthe new guys you date are not your ex, so try to trust them!

64. Avana says —
    (On April 11th, 2010 at 10:37 am)

    Thank you Ron, your input has given me much to think about. I'm so glad you were able to sort through this mess and find the real issue, due to my emotional distress i was unable. I think I'm going to tell him either he needs to recognize the past and work to build trust with me for the future or we'll have to move on. I hate ultimatums and I know neither one of us wants to be without another. But if he isn't going make a serious effort to help fix this and stop being so stubborn,then he doesn't leave me with much of a choice does he?

65. meeyuu says —
    (On June 17th, 2010 at 12:09 am)

    Ron,

    I read this article, and I need to know if what I'm feeling is the first sign of a red flag to end the relationship — or if it's just me being overanalytical (like most females).

    My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 months. 6 months in words seem really short, but it seems like it's been forever. I love him, I really do, and believe me, I'm the ultimate believer of the book "He's just not that into you" — and if he was showing signs that he is losing interest, I'd know. His family is amazing, the sex is the best I've ever had… he is the most attentive man I've been with.

    We've always had a relationship where we joke around each other a lot, we were friends prior to getting into this (partially why it feels like longer than 6 months). Sometimes, yes, we say things to each other that are "mean"… think relationship between Lynette and Tom Scavo on Desperate Housewives. BUT, sometimes, the jokes get old… he keeps going with things that are over the top and doesn't apologize when I get upset. He thinks I'm being too emotional and pouty. I guess my problem is that when we first started dating, he was a big "court"-er, and that part of him has diminished and now we act like a married old couple who's been together for 40 years… but we're not!

    Sometimes I get so upset and the things he does to relieve the tension makes the situation worse. I find myself irritated by him and when he tries to make things better by asking if I'm alright and if I'm in a better mood. I'll say this: I feel that the red flag is that when I'm upset by him, I don't like the person I am. I'm not her! I don't pout, act like a brat, and say mean things that I would never want said to me. But I do when it comes to my beloved boyfriend. Am I just so in love that I do this? Or is it time?

66. Ron Z says —
    (On June 20th, 2010 at 12:20 pm)

    Meeyuu,

    You are probably acting "not like yourself" because you care a great deal about your boyfriend, and it's frustrating when you can't control something that makes you upset. You have to be careful about the ways you act out, but you need to confront the issue in a different way.

    This is not one of the typical red flags that I see on this column. It seems far from being "time" to move on. However, you should sit down with your bf one day (when neither of you in particular is upset, and when you are both generally in a good mood) and let him know how you feel. Tell him the jokes are getting old, and it's beginning to hurt your feelings at this point. Don't escalate the situation, just tell him how you feel, and that maybe it IS you being overly sensitive but you can't help the way you feel, and you hope he respects you enough to consider that the next time he's tempted to crack a sarcastic joke. If he's generally agreeable and takes your input into account, give him a big kiss and tell him you love him.

    I can't emphasize enough that you should not bring this up when you are upset or in an argument. It will not work, and could make the situation worse. Guys tend to want to "win" an argument, so talk to him when he is not as defensive and you are not upset.

    Have a great week, and good luck.

    Ron

67. confused says —
    (On June 29th, 2010 at 10:33 pm)

    Hi Ron, I have been seeing this guy for about 9 months. We are both still married but separated and planning on divorce. He has a son, I don't have kids. His relationship with his spouse is mostly fighting with each other. Mine is ok though compared to him and reason I'm thinking about divorce is because of this guy. We work for the same company and this is how we met. The relationship started out as just being able to have someone for support and sex. After sometime, I started having feelings for him. I mentioned this to him before saying that I'm starting to like him a lot. He said that he doesn't want a relationship for now as he wants to work in the country where his son resides so he doesn't want to get tied back. I said I won't stop him if he wants to find work in another country and if he wants I am willing to go anywhere with him. His answers sounded positive to me before so I kept the relationship going. The thing that bothers me is that he seems ashamed to be seen with me. We go on trips but he doesn't want pictures especially pictures of the 2 of us. He hasn't told any of his friends about me. But when he goes out with his coworker friends, he always brings me along and we always share food and he pays most of the bill if not all. Is this an indication that he wants them to know about us? Or is it just some sort of bragging right? 2 months ago he was assigned to a different state which is fine with me. We still text and call each other everyday and we visit each other every month. In the last month, he has been complaining that he feels smothered that he has to call me everyday and that I'm clingy. I've never prevented him on doing his own thing. I just want to have contact with him everyday. Is this wrong? Am I requiring too much of him? Anyways, I brought up the issue again of me having feelings for him and he still doesn't want a relationship so I ask him how he defines us and he said sort of friends with benefits! aside from this, I brought up the issue about why he doesn't tell any of his friends about me. He said I'm a great person and great friend but he doesn't see a future together so he doesn't tell everyone. In addition to that he said he's just not in love with me and doesn't know why. That maybe he doesn't have any more love to give? Mind you, both were text messages. I asked him to call me so we can discuss but he didn't. This really hurt me. I thought we had a good thing going. We almost never fight, sex is great and we are good friends. With the last statements he gave me, the fact that he didn't call when I asked him to, the fact that when he finally decided to call he acted as if he didn't say anything hurtful, do you think this relationship is still worth pursuing? Is there a chance that he coukd fall in love with me over time? Or should I just try to move on and go back to my husband?

68. Ron Z says —
    (On June 30th, 2010 at 6:29 pm)

    Dear Confused,

    This started off as you said, as a support relationship with sex. You both started with the same goal. However, when your feelings changed, his didn't. You should move on. He is not likely to suddenly develop feelings for you. Also, guys don't always know what they have until it is gone.

    I can't tell you why he acts the way he does, but it's obvious he doesn't want anything serious right now. Many people in long distance relationships talk every few days (not everyday). However, everyone is unique and has their own set of needs. He is not meeting your needs, and sees it as a chore. It's time to move on. I hope this helps.

    Ron Z.

69. confused says —
    (On July 6th, 2010 at 8:30 am)

    Thanks Ron. I am trying to move on slowly now. I never initiate contact with him (text, call, email). He calls me every 2 days though (as he said this is acceptable for him compared to everyday). I still can't bring myself not to answer his calls. And I can't bring myself to open the topic of what he wants and why he is still calling. He still acts as if nothing happened. Maybe eventually I can bring this up and move on fully. For now, I just don't have the strength to do so.

70. Matilda Black says —
    (On August 15th, 2010 at 5:56 pm)

    Ron,
    For the past year the man I fell deeply in love with has been lying to me everyday. When I met him, he told me he was seperated but living with his parents. I believed him because I had to do the same thing when I went through my divorce. Come to find out, per his wife leaving me a voicemail on my phone, that he has been living with his wife, having sex with her and pretending to try to work things out with her. All the while he was telling me that he was getting a divorce and that I was his soul mate and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
    Since the sh!t hit the fan, he's told me that he has moved in with one of his friends, and doing a "legal-zoom" divorce. He came over to my house and in front of my mother, brother and my brother's wife confessed to what he had lied to me about and promised all of us that he was getting his divorce, and all he wanted in his life was me. My family grilled him with questions they had, but they are leaving the decision up to me to take him back. I told my ex that I will not have any contact with him until he had signed and documneted divorce papers in hand and then we would have to do extensive couple's counseling to regain trust. I have so many uncertainties now..Can the therapy repair us? Will I ever love/trust him like i used to? Will he be faithful to me for a few years, and then go back to his cheating ways? Does he want me to be his "saftey relationship", while he goes out and gets his excitement somewhere else?
    I talked to his wife, and she said that they were over and she wanted to move on with her life. She didn't blame me, because she knew i didn't know about him living with her.
    Ron, could he really be telling the truth about being married to the wrong person? or is he just a cheater that got caught?

71. Ron Z says —
    (On August 22nd, 2010 at 10:48 pm)

    Matilda,

    This is a difficult question to answer, because I cannot tell whether someone is lying or cheating over the internet.

    However, I will say this. It seems like it would have been a LOT easier for your ex to just let things go. The fact that he came over and confessed everything to your whole family makes me believe that he is probably sincere. Whether you decide to take him back is your decision, but I like your decision to stand firm and wait until he has the papers in hand.

    Good luck,
    Ron

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