PlanJam!From your screen to the scene

This article has 25 comments so far!

1. MATCHinform says —
   (On March 20th, 2007 at 12:01 pm)

   More simply - When you can’t see yourself with that person forever, it’s time to end the relationship. The reason we stay is fear of loneliness and a comfort that we enjoy having someone else.

2. Cynthia says —
   (On April 2nd, 2007 at 4:53 am)

   What a great website this is, i have been reading comments from other people who were faced with similar situations and that has helped me in understanding certain situations. Just a question though, going through your partner's cellphone because there is something suspicious about him, is it wrong, and when you eventually find out the truth, is it better to call it quits, there and then? or to work on it and beleive it will never happen again? if someone can lie to you once, what could stop them from lying to you again. The last thing i want is to end my relationship because of infidelity (i feel as though the other lady would have won) but how do i accept that he lied to me and move on?

3. Ron Zvagelsky says —
   (On April 2nd, 2007 at 1:20 pm)

   Hey Cynthia,

   We like to hope that things will simply get better over time, but it’s just not the case. Confronting these types of issues is really hard and many of us try to avoid it altogether…which makes the situation even worse.

   I am a little unclear as to what information you found on your partners’ phone…are you sure that there was infidelity or was he simply talking to another person? Also, have you confronted him about the situation?

   If you haven’t confronted him about the situation, he’ll likely respond in one of two ways:

   1. He’ll blame you for not trusting him and try to turn the tables on you. Whatever you do, don’t let this happen. Even though you did invade his privacy (slightly), you were suspicious and what you found reaffirmed it. Think about it from another perspective, had you not done it you would have never found out and it would have continued. If he does blame you for this and doesn’t take responsibility, it’s probably best that you say goodbye to him then and there.

   2. He’ll take complete responsibility and apologize for his actions. He will not blame you for what you did and he will understand that you had every right to do what you did.

   When you confront him about his actions try not to attack him. Rather, be calm about it and tell him how you felt and what made you want to go through his phone.

   Unfortunately, the difficult part really starts after he apologizes and takes responsibility. Rebuilding trust will take a lot of work and patience (and yes, you have to work at it as well), but it can be done. If you don’t think that he will be able to change or you feel that you will never be able to forgive him for his actions, then it’s probably best that you move on from this relationship.

4. Chase says —
   (On May 15th, 2007 at 8:24 am)

   Hi Ron,

   My ex-boyfriend and I "officially" broke up over a year ago, last December. We had an extremely intense relationship, which became a twisted situation. He was emotionally wounded from a previous relationship which had fallen apart because of his inability to take responsibility, and I was too young and innocent to understand what was happening.

   Long story short, sex was our downfall. We had agreed to wait, but the attraction was so strong that we didn't keep our promise. Eventually he started drinking and going out, and we did nothing but have sex when we saw each other, so the relationship became extremely painful for me. I was still very innocent and couldn't accept that promises could be broken (we had been engaged), and I felt that sex was an unbreakable bond.

   We continued to have sex after we broke up, and I believed we would get back together. It was clear that we both still had feelings for one another. However, as time went on, he got the idea that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend (from before me). We parted for the summer when I went abroad. When I came back, he got kicked out of his apartment and came to stay with me. We immediately fell back into our old sexual relationship, but it became very cold and impersonal (no kissing, closed eyes). I was physically sick from all the stress of the last few years for a long time.

   Despite all this pain and stress, we have a strong vibe and understanding of one another. Neither of us seem to be able to let go of our sexual relationship, though we have tried so many times to stop ourselves from falling into it. He's just moved out of my place, and I am moving as well. We constantly go through cycles of sexual activity and then coldness with one another, and then an intense reconciliation and recommitment to our friendship. Obviously, this is nonsense.

   I still want to be with him, and he has said outright that he does not want to be with me. I don't know how to break this addiction to each other. We mean an immense amount to each other, and want to be good for each other, but both of us seem incapable of overcoming desire. Is it worth it to keep trying to be friends, or do I have to abandon such a deeply meaningful relationship?

5. Ron Zvagelsky says —
   (On May 15th, 2007 at 11:41 am)

   Hey Chase,

   Am I correct in assuming that this is your first serious relationship…or at least, the first relationship where your feelings were so complex?

   There is nothing particularly wrong with having sex early in the relationship, and frankly, what’s too soon for some may be too long for others. Nonetheless, it really comes down to how comfortable you are with your partner. In your relationship, the problem wasn’t that you jumped into the physical too soon, but that there wasn’t much depth beyond that. Sex has a funny way of messing with our feeling and it makes a lot of people emotionally vulnerable…but even more so when we have self esteem issues. That emotional bond you’re describing is extremely powerful…but it’s only temporary.

   The reason you continue to go through these cycles with him is because after the physical attraction wears off…you’re basically left in an emotional void. The physical can be great, but if that’s all there ever was between the two of you, it’s unlikely that things will change. So you take a few months off from each other, get together again, and then the same things happen all over.

   As far as friendship goes, it’s almost impossible unless you were friends before you became a couple. I know you probably heard it before, but there’s no harm in saying it again. There are guys out there who will give you what you need…both physically and emotionally. The biggest mistake you can make is to continue to hope that things will change or believe that this relationship is the best you can do.

   My best piece of advice for you is to stop talking to this guy…there’s no future and you’ll only end up emotionally drained. Tell him that this isn’t healthy for you and that you need to move on. If you need to, change your phone number. After you stop talking to him, try your best to keep busy; take on a new hobby, go on vacation, and use your friends as anchors. It’s not going to be easy but in the long run…you’ll be glad you did it.

   I wish you the best of luck and sincerely hope that things work out for you.

6. Taylor says —
   (On June 16th, 2007 at 12:42 pm)

   Ron,

   My girlfriend and I have reached the "six months mark," the milestone at which the initial elation of a new relationship wears off. Until recently, it had been a healthy relationship so far: we're similar enough and our noticeable differences complement one another; each of us has helped the other grow through personal challenges; we get along well with each other's friends and families; and we have fun.

   Now an uncomfortable quiet occurs when we get together, as if both of us are searching for something to say or wondering what to do next. I am also on a tight timeline to complete a master's thesis, find a job, and a new apartment within the next few months.

   It's difficult because we've obviously hit a wall, but there are no personal attacks or abuse. It's just, well, uncertain, both because my future is unclear and because we've begin to see each other for who we really are.

   Two things concern me (aside from my uncertain future!) First, I'm 28 and would like to marry within the next three or so years, so I feel as if I should try to work a healthy relationship through a stage like this. At the same time, this stage has a lot of gravity, so it's tough to remain objective and see the "larger picture" often. Second, my girlfriend occassionally mentions that she wishes things were "light and fun" and that relationships "shouldn't be like this until much later." I mean, I like to have fun, too, but I think imagining relationships as constantly light and fun is rather naive.

   I'd appreciate your feedback. And great site!

   Regards,
   Taylor

7. Ron Zvagelsky says —
   (On June 18th, 2007 at 3:12 pm)

   Hi Taylor,

   Thank you for the compliments on my site! I'm trying very hard to make this a great place for the dating scene and relationships, and it's nice to hear that my efforts are appreciated. The problems reflected in your letter are not uncommon from others in your age group. In fact, I think most men are encountering these issues nowadays.

   The truth is that our society is not the same slow paced society of several decades ago. Careers and education have become increasingly important as our global competition has heated up. Divorce rates are up, and people are increasingly selective about what they want in a lifelong partner.

   Ok, enough general discussion. I want to address your specific predicament. You didn't mention the age of your girlfriend, so for purposes of this response I'm going to assume she's younger (25). You are at a serious stage in your own life, a time when you wonder about where your own choices will take you. Life never seems to slow down, and there is so much to get done. You appear to be very focused on the "big picture" of your career and your relationship. Maybe too focused. Allow me to explain.

   You and your girlfriend have been together for over six months now. Its certainly not a marathon relationship, but there are plenty of people who get married before this, so its not unusual to consider if your partner is "marriage material" at this point. However, you indicated in your letter that you do not not want to get married for another 2-3 years. So why do you feel pressure to make the relationship more serious at this point? It appears that the pressure is not coming from your girlfriend, who wants a light and fun relationship. This seems to indicate that the pressure is coming from within or from external sources. Either way, the pressure is unwarranted.

   You may be worried about many things at age 28, such as your future career, finances, aging, and security. It's normal to do so. However, take a look at your letter again. It appears that you are trying to get ahead of the game and make things more serious now. This is a mistake. Your girlfriend obviously wants to make things lighter and you are bringing a heavy element to the relationship. You should consider taking a step back and see this for what it is. At six months, neither of you has made enough of a committment to stick around if attraction wanes in the relationship. It's relatively easy to get out and look for someone else. There are many things you can speed up in your own life to get to where you want to be much faster, but relationships are not one of them. If you get too serious too soon, you will scare this one away. In fact, it may already be too late. She may be considering leaving the relationship already. You must take action to prevent this.

   Here's my advice to you. Take some time alone and reevaluate your feelings for this girl. Do you love her? If so, you must make this relationship work. You can do this by changing your outlook on things. Neither of you wants a serious relationship right now. So change things up. I don't know your financial status, but try to go do some things that are out of the norm where you can both relax, be yourselves and have fun. PlanJam.com has plenty of suggestions in a variety of areas (we're trying to expand this as quickly as possible without compromising quality) or you can get some suggestions from friends. Go to an amusement park. Do something fun. Make the priority to have fun. That should be the only agenda on the table. Be spontaneous. For some, this requires more effort than for others. Don't bring up any serious relationship topics. Let her bring these up if she wants to discuss them. Crack some jokes (if you are decent at this), make her laugh or smile. Explaining to someone how to have fun with a girl is a lot like trying to explain how to drive. It's not easy, because there are too many variables.

   I would reduce the amount of time you spend with her, at least for now. If you spend too much time together, things will tend to get serious again, and if you like this girl, it would end badly for you. See each other once or twice a week. Its still ok to talk to each other every day, but there's no need to have hour long conversations. Just ask how her day was, and use that time talk about what you might do the next time you see each other. Keep it light, but show that you still care enough to ask.

   If you are not serious about this girl after reflecting on your relationship, let her know. You may find that you just enjoy spending time together, and you can continue to do so without either of you feeling any obligation to go any further than this. Two to three years is plenty of time to find the one that you want to marry. This girl shouldn't be considered "marriage material" just because she fits a particular profile of an ideal mate. I didn't sense a feeling of love in your letter. This could be for many reasons, including that you didn't want to share this information with a complete stranger.

   You believe that its naive to imagine relationships as constantly light and fun. But remember, this isn't a business deal. There is no contract. The seriousness doesn't need to come into play until there is a ring and a proposal. Neither of you is significantly committed to the other at this point. I know its difficult to see the big picture from your own shoes, but look at it this way. Your girlfriend is giving you hints that she's not happy right now. She thinks you are being too serious. She's probably right (aren't women always right, even when they're wrong?). If you want her to stick around, you need to step things down a notch. This requires change from within. Take things one day at a time for now. She wants to have fun. You said you also like to have fun, so do it. Its really as easy as that. A year from now, if you are still with this girl, it might be time to have some more serious conversations. Six months is still far too soon for most people to know if they have found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Its perfectly ok to date someone for several years, if thats what it takes.

   If you feel the need to get serious, get serious about that thesis. Let your time with her be your stress release, and have some fun. If its already too late, lesson learned for next time. Good luck and let me know how things go. I'll be here.

8. Taylor says —
   (On July 5th, 2007 at 4:55 pm)

   Ron,

   Thanks for the advice. Good stuff. Some parts are tought to take, but I appreciate the honest appraisal.

   I'm curious if these facts would change your advice. My girlfriend is 30, professionaly and financially well-established, and, well, one of her only friends who isn't in a long term (year plus change) relationship, engaged, or married. Her relationship since undergrad that went beyond a few dates lasted six months and was long distance. My last "serious" one was long distance, too, and lasted a year. Moreover, she has commented on marriage in general a few times; nothing overt, but noticeable. I admit, I am naturally serious, and she matches that occassionally, but I wouldn't say I drastically imbalance the relationship.

   What do you think?

   Keep up the good work,
   Taylor

9. Ron Zvagelsky says —
   (On July 13th, 2007 at 6:05 pm)

   Taylor,

   Your comments do not change the "meat" of my advice. Your girlfriend may be feeling some pressure to get married sometime in the near future, but the fact that she is professionally and financially well-established actually mitigates the pressure. She doesn't NEED anyone because she is self sustaining.

   All girls in their 20's or 30's are bound to talk about marriage here and there, but it doesn't always mean they want to get married NOW. Things may naturally gravitate towards that direction, but you should not be the one directing the gravitation. Let her be the one to bring it up. She knows you are ready; it sounds like you made that perfectly clear. You may even find that by NOT bringing it up, she may get curious and ask you why, or start bringing the subject up herself. Girls do tend to like a challenge, so let your girlfriend feel challenged. Let the mystique of marriage linger until she really seems insistent about it.

   If you can't wait that long, then you need to move on to someone else. Perhaps you can find someone serious minded like yourself who is ready for marriage. I know my feedback can be harsh and difficult to take, but its intended to help you and others like you. Often, we receive advice from friends and family that is cushioned (because they don't want to offend or hurt your feelings) or biased. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

10. Bama says —
    (On July 31st, 2007 at 11:59 pm)

    I have been in a 9 yr relationship with my girlfriend and 3 months ago I told her I wanted to be single for awhile to see what else was out there. We get along good but when we fight we fight, Nothing physical on my part but she will punch bite, and pinch and just flat out lose it. My friends, both parents, and her friends all think we will not work out again. We always seperate every so often but never longer than a few weeks. We have been together since 16 and now we are almost 25 I am wondering if there is something wrong. Any fool can see there is but when we are good it is perfect. I just want to know what a real relationship is and not one based on being scared of being alone. All I know is having a girlfriend, and when we are single I am miserable after a few weeks since she is not there to fall back on. We both have no problems if we wanted to find someone else, but we just can't seem to break our emotional attachment. I hate to end something that this must time was put into, but if it is bound for failure I need out as quick as possible. I just want to be truly happy for the rest of my life and make someone else just as happy.

11. Thea says —
    (On February 14th, 2008 at 10:33 pm)

    I am looking for validation to feelings about my relationship; your comments would do me so much good. I have been in a 4-year, long-distance relationship with someone. He is in another country attending university. When we first met, it was wonderful. If we were not able to physically be together he would write to me, send me e-mails and text messages, we would chat for hours on IM. He used to make me little drawings and send me songs. I was so in love I was sure we could overcome the distance and end up together in the future, but all that changed about 1 1/2 ago. We last saw each other 6 months ago and it was perfect but since I came home he reverted to his old bad habits: he never calls or e-mails or talks to me anymore. I understand he works very hard sometimes up to 12 hours a day but I miss him and want to be in his life in some way; when he dissapears and won't stay in touch the only real way I can get him to respond is by threatening to leave him. Most of the time I get only his anger and lack of understanding of my needs. When I tell him I miss him and need to talk to him, he doesn't change. So when he does want to talk all I feel is resentment and anger; he's supposed to be my boyfriend! It is Valentine's Day and I haven't even gotten an e-card and I am very broken-hearted. There are so many men available to me where I live but I can't seem to be able to break up with him and my pleas for his understanding of my needs fall in deaf ears because I always come back, so everything I say to him is an empty threat. I don't know what to do, I always thought that love accentuated one's life not made them constantly miserable. I am in my mid-twenties and don't want to waste another 4 years living this way. What should I do?

12. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On February 14th, 2008 at 11:30 pm)

    Thea,

    You are definitely in a tight bind. Like most men, your boyfriend has grown accustomed to you, and takes your affection for granted. Without knowing the full story, I would say that he should be calling you once a week. If he is doing that, it seems reasonable. You cannot expect daily phone calls if he is putting in a 12 hour per day study schedule.

    There could also be other forces at play, although I don't want to go into that, because mistrust and paranoia will ruin a relationship just as fast as incompatibility or actual cheating. So, lets not go there.

    This is my advice to you. Stop calling him. Stop emailing him. Don't initiate contact at all. Let him be the next one to initiate. It could take a week, or several weeks, but you have to hang in there. If he notices that something is wrong, he might ask why you don't call or write anymore. You can respond by saying (calmly) that you gave up on him, or that you didn't feel the need to call or write anymore, since he doesn't. Let him see how his lack of effort feels when it is reflected back on him. Remember to stay calm and reasonable when talking to him about this. We don't want a shouting match…we just want him to see the logic.

    Of course, this may backfire. Suppose he stops calling or emailing altogether. Then what? Do what you would have done otherwise, move on. If this "test" does not produce some sort of positive behavior change, nothing will. And when that becomes clear, you must be ready to leave him and move on. Like you said, there are many other men where you live. There is no need to waste another year on one that wont return phone calls or email.

    Good luck, and I'd love to hear updates to see how this advice panned out, if you decide to take it.

13. Abby says —
    (On March 1st, 2008 at 7:25 pm)

    I met my husband about 3 years ago. He was my first real relationship and the first guy that really loved me. He is also in the USMC. I got carried away in the whole moment and got married last year. About a year and 9 months ago, I stoped enjoying sex and have been pretty much avoiding it with him since then thinking that I just didnt like sex anymore. We started fighting more and more right before we got married and I still went through with it because I wanted the "fairy-tale wedding". Sex was becoming less and less and fighting was more and more. I would talk about our problems to him, but it either end in a fight or empty promises. Now he is stationed in 29 Palms, CA. When he comes to visit me on the weekends, all he wants to do is play his videogames and fight with me. Then my friend from NY came to visit me and I was so excited to see him. His name is Robert. We have been friends for about 6 years and we never thought that there was anything between us. Then 2 nights before he left, we did alittle more than kiss but didnt have sex. I felt amazing and relized that I did like sex, just not with my husband. The next night we didnt do anything because he felt bad that I was married. Now I cant stop thinking about him and how much fun we had. I dont know what I should do with my husband leaving me all alone for 2 years and only seeing him for a few days and I feel like Im really falling for Robert. I havent felt this way in years, sweaty palms, heart racing, butterflies in the stomach, hard to breath; I dont kno if I love him, or its just infactuation and Im not sure how he feels about me. I am so stressed and confused and have no idea what to do. Should I stay wth my husband and forget about Robert or should I see what the other relationship might lead to. He also lives pretty far but plans on moving near me in a year. What should i do?

14. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On March 1st, 2008 at 9:58 pm)

    Abby,

    You know that butterfly feeling in your stomach, and the thrill you felt with Robert? It is not unique only to Robert. Let me explain a little here. Relationships are not always fire and passion, butterflies and thrills. This will happen when you find someone you are attracted to, but these feelings always fade with time. You will always continue to love that person, but it will be a different kind of love…a love of respect and trust.

    Sure there are people out there who still feel just as passionate as the day they met, but these people are so rare, that scientists study their brains to find out what makes them different. Its not typical.

    That being said, a few things concern me about your story. It has only been 3 years since you met your husband. This is just too soon for you to be feeling the way you do right now. It seems like your husband has just given up on trying for sex, since you do not seem to enjoy it. Instead, he plays video games like the countless other "sexless" males out there.

    Unfortunately, attraction is not something you can control. You had a feeling before you got married that you shouldn't but you went through with it anyway. There are plenty of people out there that think that a marriage will solve all of their problems. It won't. But I digress.

    Here's the deal. You no longer feel attracted to your husband. You didn't mention how old you are, but I'm guessing that you are still relatively young (under 35). If this is the case, your opportunities are plentiful for finding someone that you care deeply about. Your current relationship is dysfunctional. When people who love each other are separated, they can't wait to see the other person. Ever heard the phrase, "absence makes the heart grow fonder?" There is some truth in that.

    I get the sense that you no longer love your husband enough to continue the relationship. He probably resents you and takes out his sexual frustrations on you. If this were the 1950's, you would not speak a word of this to anyone and would bear the pain for the rest of your life. It's not the 50's. I would start to seek the confidence of a marriage counselor or a psychiatrist to help you explore these feelings, if it is not already crystal clear to you already. A divorce may loom in the horizon for you. What you DON'T want is to continue to yearn for other men while denying your husband sex. Its not a good combination.

    You cant force yourself to enjoy sex with your husband, and he can't force you to have sex with him. Its a lose-lose in my opinion.

    Now, on to Robert. I don't think Robert is your true love, and I don't think you should necessarily move to be with him. You had a one night fling that made you realize that there is sexual desire buried deep down, and that it really is just your husband that you feel frigid with. Robert could have been any trusted friend or acquaintance. It's probably infatuation, although I can't say that with certainty. It might be worth exploring, but from a distance at first.

    The point to take from all of this is that you are unhappy in your marriage, and no longer sexually attracted to your husband. If you are ok living this way, then continue to do what it is that you do. However, the very fact that you wrote this entry makes me believe you are not happy. So do something about it. I'm not telling you to have an affair. I'm not telling you to run out and find a divorce attorney. I'm telling you that you really need to take a step back here and re-evaluate your life. Do what makes you happy. It's your life and you need to live it, but also remember to be respectful to your loved ones.

    I'm sure you will do what your conscience dictates, but I hope the analysis of a complete stranger helps you see this from a different angle. Good luck, and thanks for sharing.

15. Crystal says —
    (On March 17th, 2008 at 12:49 pm)

    Dear Ron,

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years he is 37 and I am 26. We both have been married and divorced once, he has 3 teenages from his first marriage and I have none. I treat his kids as if they were my own and love them just the same. We've had a rocky relationship for the past year. I love him dearly and his family adores me and is already calling me his wife and his kids call me Mom. From the outside everything looks good but there are so many forces inside our relationship that makes me question wheather we should stay together. My boyfriend has 2 jobs (one of which he doesn't get paid for yet takes up alot of his time), the job he does get paid for he hates and doesn't make alot of money. We've talked about him finding another job and he looks but not aggressivly. Even though he's not happy with his job or money he won't make a strong effort to find another one. Everyday the only thing he does after work is sit on the couch and watch tv or be on the computer playing games. He's very overweight and has been told several times to eat better and excercise but he won't do it. I always take the kids here and there and make sure everything is taken care of for them. I also make sure the house is clean and we always have food. I have a full time job too and make most of our money. We fight fairly regularly and I feel like he is very lazy and just expects me to take care of everything. I get so frustrated that I lash out at him and call him names, which afterward I feel horrible about and always appologize. He refuses to fight with me, never calls me names or lifts a finger to me which I am greatful for. We've been to councelors and things get better but then a few months later we're back dealing with the same issues. I've threatened to leave a few times and I've even gone to stay with my sister for a few weeks to give him some space and nothing seems to work. I am so involved with his family and kids that it breaks my heart to leave them. I'm at a loss of what to do. My family thinks I should leave and his family thinks I should stay and work it out.I need help!

16. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On March 17th, 2008 at 10:22 pm)

    Crystal,

    You are no doubt in a difficult situation. You have all the responsibilities of a marriage, without the marriage! You obviously love your boyfriend and his kids to be able to put up with all of this.

    This is not an easy situation to give advice on. But, my view on this is that you are not happy. There will never be a "perfect" husband, but you are playing double duty as both the breadwinner and the housekeeper/mother. He should be taking at least one of these responsibilities. You have tried to resolve your issues with counselors, and it hasn't worked. You've even left him, and he did not change his ways.

    Here's the deal. You can stay with him and marry him, but things will probably not change. He will continue to be fat and lazy, and you will continue to do most of the work and make the most money. You will continue to resent him for not doing his fair share. He will likely wait until his health gets to a critical level (a heart attack perhaps) before doing anything about his lifestyle.

    Guys usually are most motivated to change or to do things when the relationship is early or when the stakes are high. He has been with you for a while, and he is already in the "taking you for granted" stage (which is inevitable in most relationships).

    I'm going to use an analogy here. You're a heavyweight boxer who has fought his heart out for 10 rounds. Your opponent just won't budge, and you are dead tired. You just don't have the fight in you anymore. Hit after hit, and your opponent just keeps taking the blows, round after round. Your hits don't even seem to affect him. Maybe its time to throw in the towel and leave the ring to fight another day.

    I wish you the best of luck, but there's no easy advice here. You have to do what is right for you, and I think you already know who that is. Take everyone else out of the equation. Pretend that your boyfriend doesn't have kids. Pretend that the parents are not a factor either. Its just you and him. Without any other factors involved in the decision, would you choose to stay with him? Why or why not?
    Once you can look at things from this angle, I think it will be a little more clear for you to see what you should do. Its often to see these things objectively when we are placed in these situations. Good luck!

17. Eric says —
    (On March 19th, 2008 at 7:47 am)

    Hey there, im stuck in a relationship I don't know what to do. Im am not happy at all in my life. Im stuck in a depression, again. I seem to do this every relationship I get into. I have high expectations(which I know is not good). But then again don't you want to be with somoene who will please you. She does little things to make me happy, but its not by buying things, its what you do. I go out of my way all the time for her. It seems I only get a little back from it. It seems everything is always about "her". This is her first real relationship, we been together for 7 months. But unfort. there is no sparks anymore and we been fighting. She isn't use to being in a relationship, so I figured I would see if she can work things out and change.I also am one who fears being alone. I have a hard time getting my feelings out too. I really care for her, but to me lately its like why am I doing this? And every time we do fight she goes this isn't healthy for you, maybe we need a break. Then I say no, why? And if she keeps saying this she may not be happy right? Im so confused and messed up, any help id appreciate it. Thanks

18. Jeff says —
    (On March 24th, 2008 at 7:06 am)

    I recently found out that my wife is having an affair which she claims is mostly emotional. She did admit that she kissed him and said that's it. Of course I am devastated.
    Here's a little history to explain how we got to this point. First, we have been married for 9 years this month. We have two beautiful daughters and she has a son who's out of the house now. When we got married we were madly in love. However, we've had problems our entire relationship. Mostly due to me. Simply put Ive been a real jerk. I have been abusive verbally, physically at times. I've exposed the kids to my verbal outbursts a few times. I've had problems with pornography. I've also had problems with alcohol which has magnified these other issues. I have done these terrible things many times over the course of our relationship. I developed these vices over the years through my upbringing, in college and when I was single. However, I never thought of myself as having a "problem" until my marriage.

    Through our marriage my weaknesses have been brought to the surface big time. I/we have been to counseling. I feel so hypocritical saying this but I am a Cristian, though I wonder how I could be sometimes. I have been to mens groups and conferences. I have improved a great deal but I fear I'm too little too late.

    I know I don't deserve her and I don't blame her at all for wanting out of this relationship. Now after reading all this you would think, "Why are you surprised she cheated on you?" Well you are right. But the pain is still unbearable. I believe strongly that marriage is a life long commitment. I've taken this commitment for granted. I thought she would always be there. You know for better or for worse. There's just been too much of the worse for her.

    The weird thing is that I'm not really mad at her for what she did. I'm hurt and it's killing me inside. But mainly I am just SO sorry. I love her so much. But how could I do all these things to her. I am completely broken. I "get it" now. Someone said above that when you can't see yourself together forever, it's over. I still can but I don't know if she can. Based on your article above she should have left me a long time ago. She's warned me and given me more chances than I deserve. I just don't think it's supposed to be over. The main thing I want from her right now is not to end it this way.

    I am working on getting help, more help. I am trying to get her to a counselor also so we can properly deal with our relationship. Since kids are involved I don't think her jumping into something with someone else is a healthy thing to do. Like I would know anything about a healthy relationship.
    I'm mainly writing this to get all this out. I take full responsibility for my actions. If that means it's over then it's over and I have to learn how to deal with that. I'm having a very hard time dealing with the strong possibility that I may not see my kids on a daily basis in the near future. That's tough.

19. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On March 25th, 2008 at 4:35 pm)

    Jeff,

    Hang in there. You are off to a good start. Ever watch GI Joe when you were a kid? Knowing is half the battle. I don't know if that will be true in your case, but if you truely love your wife you will do what is necessary to turn your life around. It may be too late, and you will have to learn to accept that. Do all that you can now, and continue doing it. I wish you the best of luck and thanks for sharing.

20. Virgile says —
    (On June 26th, 2008 at 9:05 am)

    Ron,

    I just stumbled on your site while search for tips on relationships. I have been with my BF for 4 years now and for the past 6-7 months we have been arguing more than ever. Anyway recently- in May, we finally managed to put things behind us and move forward. My BF and I truly care for one another and we can't seem to let the relationship go, he has grown in this relationship in ways I never thought he would. I have made my sacrifices and slightly change who I am for him, which is way we've lasted this long. Unfortunately, I believe that that turned out be our curse now, b/c I‘ve always tried to make myself available for him. Sometimes I did it because I wanted to spent that time with him. Well during our arguments I decided I was going out with my friends-dancing. There should be no reason for me to stay home all weekend, while my BF I were at odds. That was the larger part of our arguments- me his GF going out so much, so I told him I won't totally give my friends up for him but I will reduce the frequency. Well for the past two weekends my BF and I hadn’t go anyway, so I told my friends lets go dancing. My BF found out (he asked and I told him), he of course got upset, however I haven’t gone dancing with my friends since May 24, he says I am being inconsiderate. I just want to know what to make of all of this… I love and he loves me and our mutual friends think we will eventually marry.

    P.S that was my goal in this relationship but things change so I changed. I never went out dancing with friends for 3 ½ year in our relationship now I am.

21. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On June 26th, 2008 at 6:41 pm)

    Virgile,

    It seems like the longer or more serious a relationship, the more your partner expects you to spend time with them. There's nothing wrong with this, but there has to be an understanding between the two of you so that there are no hard feelings. Everyone occaisionally needs a "guys night out" or "girls night out."

    My suggestion to you would be to work out a schedule with your BF that is acceptable to both of your and stick to it. If you are a spontaneous person, your plan may be as simple as having one or two days per month to go out with the girls. A plan that may work better, however, is to set aside certain days or to at least require a few days notice for the person going out so that the BF can make plans of his own for the night.

    If you talk about it and agree to set aside time for your friends, there really isn't any good reason for the other person to get irritated or angry. I would also suggest finding out which part of you going out bothers him the most. Is it the fact that you are not with him at the house, or that you don't give him enough notice, or is it that he is resentful that you are having fun and he is not? It's time to dig deeper to find the answer.

    I hope this helps. If you try all of this and it still doesn't work, I would suggest looking elsewhere, unless you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is too needy and/or dependent on you.

    Ron

22. Kit says —
    (On June 27th, 2008 at 3:17 pm)

    Hey Ron,

    I have been with my girlfriend since February of 2007. I have been going through lot's of the usual fighting and common "losing-love" feelings that most of us go through at this stage. My biggest problem is that I can and do want to spend the rest of my life with her. My father passed away last June, and that stripped a major comfort zone out of my life. I was forced to drop out of school and get a job and work for myself. I am 21 years old and my significant other is 25. That is a rather large age difference considering our young age. Obviously, for a women of her stature, she is thinking of marrying in the coming years, and I almost feel like she has forced me to rationalize with this and make it reality. We have talked about the whole, I want to spend my life with you and have talked and made vague plans and such. My biggest issue is we have had a typical passionate but very volatile relationships. (see the book "Why Men Marry Bitches!" for insight there)

    So we have been fighting slightly again, and it all boiled down to the fact that I have been supporting her and lending her money CONSTANTLY until she got a new job. Then earlier this week she blew me off, and I got pissed off and gave her a talking to. She said one thing that made me respond and now we are broken up. She is convinced I broke up with her, but that isn't the way I see it. She owes me A LOT of money and won't respond to my phone calls. She talked to my sister and told her that she loves me and that she doesn't have money and I just don't know where to go with this anymore.

    I could call another girl, but are we broken up? Usually its a pretty cut and clear answer, but it is not. I know she considers us still together. I know she loves me, and I know I love her. But the volatility is doing more harm for me then good. I am the only person my age that I know that has had to work as hard as I have and I haven't met one person that has stood to as much adversity as myself. This makes me very strong headed and stone cold about a lot of things, which in turn causes more fights. (no place for stubbornness in a relationship).

    My question is, should I leave this one laying down…or get back up on that horse and try again. I really love her and WANT to spend the rest of my life with her starting right now. The fighting doesn't seem to stop though…(see my Men Marry Bitches comment above to clear that up).

    -Kit

23. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On June 27th, 2008 at 4:18 pm)

    Kit,

    You say that you can and do want to spend the rest of your life with her, but you also seem to be complaining that she has forced you to think about marriage due to the "stage" that she is at. Also, you lament the volatility of the relationship, but also see yourself with her the rest of your life?

    I wish I had some surefire advice for you on this one, but I don't. I can't tell you whether its time to get back on that horse. You are the best person to answer that question.

    If you want to start dating other people, be sure to let her know first that as far as you are concerned, the relationship is over. If she thinks you're still together, your actions can be construed as cheating, which would destroy any trust you have and any future chances of reconciling.

    Stop supporting her for the time being. If she is not communicating with you and not paying you back, it would be fair to assume that she is avoiding you for some reason. If there is no communication, I don't see an obligation to continue to support her. It sounds like you have enough to worry about already.

    If she comes back to you, it might be a good idea to reevaluate the situation. Does she appear to be coming back because she needs more money? Is she using you? I don't mean to offend you if your relationship is so solid that you couldn't dream of this ever happening, but that's just the skeptic in me there. At 21 years old, it seems to me that you shouldn't have to be supporting anyone (unless you already had a kid).

    Good luck. If you are ready to move on, do it. If not, wait and see how things go. Unless you do end up marrying her though, I wouldn't count on getting that money back. Of course, you can always try the People's Court. =)

24. Phil says —
    (On July 8th, 2008 at 1:14 pm)

    Hi Ron-
    I really am hoping that you could give me some insight about this…I am in desperate need of some advice. My girlfriend and I are 29 years old, and are both attorneys that used to work together. We began exclusively dating each other right before we left the office. We have phenomenal sex together, we enjoy each other's sense of humor, and we appreciate each other's company.

    However, these good times DO NOT outweigh the bad times we experience. We have been in a toxic and volatile relationship for about ten months of the relationship. We argue everyday because we are BOTH very jealous, possessive, and insecure about each other. To make matters worse, she can be controlling and manipulative (for example, she demanded that I change my e-mail address and phone number in case old flames contacted me). She has given me an ultimatum that I must propose in three months, otherwise we should break up. She refuses to compromise, saying that she is almost 30 and has a plan to get married and have children at a certain age. I feel as if she is desperate in finally settling down, since she has had so much bad luck with men and she is envious of her female friends being married and having kids.

    She has also lied to me about her cheating on former boyfriends: three mutual friends of ours, on three separate occasions, recounted a story when she informed them that she had cheated in the past, and felt guilty about it. When confronted about this, she denied saying any of it, and demanded that I believe her or them. My trust in her began to deteriorate rapidly, especially once I began to think back on her last two relationships, and how they overlapped, and how she had one night stands with a couple of men while she was seriously dating one man (although according to her they were on a "break" for about a week). Her last relationship was with a man that she "dated" for about two years, who refused to be monogamous with her for quite some time. She told me that she never trusted him, and never saw a future with him, but nonetheless tried to change him and chase him because, according to her, it was convenient, fun, and exciting.

    The most difficult aspect of the relationship is this problem that I cannot get over: her sexual past is disconcerting. Not so much that she had partners, but rather, the way she went about it. She would go on "breaks" with a few of her long-term relationships, and sleep with other men immediately thereafter, only to get back into the relationship again. She would sleep with about three or four men during a two month break, or have a one night stand during a week break, and get back together with her boyfriend. She is bipolar, so most of her actions were symptomatic of this; she is also extremely insecure (she lost 40 pounds in one year from fasting alone, i.e. anorexia), therefore seeking attention or validation from men was a way for her to feel better.

    Although I've tried to look past those actions as history, I still cannot deal with this, and I don't think I ever will. Every time I look at her, I think of how she allowed herself to be treated, and how she went about treating others. I don't trust her for these actions, and I believe that she has lied to me about other things. I love her very much, although not enough to trust her and to expel her past transgressions from my mind. It's not healthy for either of us. But it's been hard for me to move on, since I feel as though I could never find someone with such chemistry again, and every time I look at her face, I lose the will to leave.

    What do you think? Am I overreacting? Will I encounter this situation with every woman that I seriously enter into an exclusive relationship with? How should I proceed? Should I break up, and if so, how? I would really appreciate any help whatsoever, Ron…I hope to hear from you soon…
    Phil

25. Ron Zvagelsky says —
    (On July 8th, 2008 at 3:45 pm)

    Wow, this is a tough nut to crack.

    Your gf's behavior is very similar to male behavior, but the underlying reasons appear to be somewhat different.

    There's a lot working against you here Phil. Being that you are an attorney, do not take this as advice, but rather a suggestion =)
    She lies to you, has a history of taking brief "breaks" to go on sex sprees, and seems to want to settle down because all of her friends are doing it. In addition, you can't bring yourself to respect her based on her past. Does that sound like a foundation for a lasting relationship to you?

    Its hard to give up great sex and chemistry, but these things are easier to find than trust, compassion, and love. If I were in your shoes, I would let those three months lapse. She has already given you the tool to end the relationship, so use it. In the meantime, enjoy that great sex and start looking around for your next move. Or, you could "buck up" and end it right now. Its up to you. Don't get pressured into marriage when you're not ready.

    As an attorney, you must be aware of the divorce statistics out there. Don't become one of them. Her behavior is not typical of most women, so there is a very good chance that there is someone out there who is a better match for you. You've still got plenty of time. Your gut tells you that this isn't right, so listen to it. You're not overreacting.

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