I broke up with my ex a couple months ago, and now am not sure if maybe I was just being selfish or expecting too much.

He and I have a lot inn common and really hit it off. He and I each have a young child from previous relationships. (His was with us every other week and mine full-time) This caused huge trouble for us from the begginning. He had issues accepting my daughter and felt guilty for bonding with her. So he did his best not too. As well, it seemed he did not want me and his daughter to bond. I never really understood this. We got along great, when the kids werent around. It's seems that most of our arguments stemmed from them. Usually over parenting styles. My daughter has quite the personality, and he did'nt know how to deal with her because his was much more easy-going and was easier to manage. He couldnt accept the fact that they were different. To add to this, I knew we had to bond with each others kids and suggested that once every two weeks for him to go out and do something fun with my daughter and I'll go do something fun with his. This did'nt last longer than a month. He never gave us the bonding time we desperately needed. Our girls went to the same daycare (where we met) but when it came to droppinf the girls off or picking them up, we were like singles-so seperate. He would pick his up, and then I would pick mine up. It was always a big beal for him to pick up both of them. Or vise versa. I brought up counselling on numerous occasions, but always refused.

His familly is great and I miss his parents so much right now. He was never as close to my familly though. He is very introverted and usually tried to stay away. If he did come for dinner, he rarely said two words. He has'nt met my sibblings or any of my friends either. And really doesnt want to hear about them. This always bothered me.

I like to have fun and enjoy the things that life brings. Sometimes, a beer after work and nice convesation is all I need. Over three years, he has never wanted to meet me after work for some "us time" and a drink. So, day after day, I would pick up my girl from daycare and go home. I guess I became a recluse because he would never want to go out and do anything. I dont go out much, but once in a while it's nice – New years for example, he refused, three years in a row. He said I could go without him though. I learned that that was a trap. if I did go on my own, he'd get so jealous and not talk to me for days. Even grabbing a coffee after work with an old girlfriend, he'd get wierd.

It's not that he never wanted to do anything, but he only wanted to do things with the girls. (But never just mine, only when his was around). This was fun, but at times very overwealming because it was'nt ever natural, and usually ended in an argument. It was always him showing his daughtera bug or somthing, and not even thinking of mine. Like we were split down the middle. him and his daughter. Me and mine.

He doesnt believe in travelling. This is something I could have worked at, if the other issues werent issues. I love to travel. I want to travel I want to learn about other people and ways of life and history. He absolutely does not care about any of it. After three years I convinced him to take a romantic getaway with me. Just him and I. He said fine, but all he wanted to do was relax. So I planned a beach vacation for relaxation. All of a sudden, he decided he wants to shop, so I change it up. No problem. But then he reveals he just wants to stay close to home and take the kids (his kid) someplace. I explained that I neede him, alone. I explained that our relationship was so strained and we needed a chance to find ourselves together again. I needed that so bad. And he said he did'nt want to. Just like that the trip was cancelled.

We stopped talking because I felt he did'nt care about my feelings. When we talked it was never about me, my friends, my work, my bad days, or my good days. It was always about what big expensive thing he was planning to buy next, and about his job that he hates – but refuses to find another. I could'nt talk to him anymore. I found it really hard to open up to him at the end.

I think this is when I realized that life is just too short. I asked him, do you want another 50 years of the 3 we just had? I knew I didn't. And since he had told me the week before that he was'nt happy I was pretty sure his answear was the same.

I'm finding this hard now, because we definately did have fun sometimes. And when we did it was a blast until the last year. He became very negative, and this rubbed off on me.

So now, here we are. Single. and it's been a roller-coaster. I got lonely and sort-of asked him out. He said no. Then he did the same. I said no. I still love him, and if he really showed he cared I might go out with him again. (Which I know would likely end in disaster). He has been calling and stuff but never comes out and says how he feels. I am pretty sure he doesnt want me, but wants to keep me at arms lenght – just in case. He says sweet things and that he;s jealous of my life without him. I tell him to stop calling or texting me if in his eyes it's trully over. And if its not – to come talk to me in person and have an actual discussion.

But he doesnt get it. I don't know what to do or to think. I think I just want to move on from this, but it's hard. And harder when he doesnt let go.

Should I even be considering getting back with him?

Was I selfish to leave for these reasons?

Thanks, and I apologize if none of this makes sense.

Your boyfriend wants to have his cake and eat it too. If you were not looking for a serious relationship, that would be fine. However, it sounds like you are in the mood for more than casual dating.

I think you should explore your options here. If you are looking for something more serious, perhaps you should find an older man that is more mature and (hopefully) knows what he wants.

It's probably a bad sign that he never introduces you to his female friends. I don't want to make any guesses as to whether he is or is not sleeping with other people, but it doesn't look good.

Maybe if you leave him now, he will realize after a short time what he has been missing and will be ready for something more serious. I would say that he would need at least a month to think about his situation.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Ron

I don't know if you are responding to anymore comments but I thought I would try. I am completely lost as to what I should do with my current relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 3 months. At the beginning it was awesome, we started off long distance (about 3 hrs apart for 6 months) and we would see each other on the weekends. It was fun and not too serious for the either of us which was perfect since we were both college students. I am 22 and he is now 23.

After I graduated college we decided to move in together so that we would remain close and I moved myself and all my belongings into his city. This is where things started going downhill.

I started noticing that he had A LOT of "girl" friends, not just a few here and there but the majority of his friends were girls. I have no problem with him having female friends but he would never introduce me to any of them and would spend hours upon hours texting girls, facebooking them, even meeting new ones and telling them how nice it was to meet them. I started to feel a sense of betrayal, like I wasnt good enough for him. Not only that, but he is OBSESSED with sex. Watching porn by himself several days a week even though I've said i'd watch it with him to spice things up a bit ( he said he was uncomfortable with that), talking about strip clubs and "hott" girls with his friends, using derogatory language for female parts with his buddies…etc.etc. I've told him time after time how all of this makes me uncomfortable and he could care less. All he tells me is that, he's a guy and guys do that…but why is he always chatting up girls that I dont know, failing to introduce me to them, and talking about hot girls he's met with his buddies all of the time if he really loves me? Not to mention that we broke up for 2 weeks, and when I came back found an opened box of condoms (that we don't use) in his drawer…all while he was calling me everyday to tell me how much he loved me and missed me.
He gave me some lame excuse and denied ever having sex with someone but I dont know how i can trust him…he won't take any responsibility for anything!

I also have a history of searching his phone when I feel uncomfortable and suspicious and now hes resorted to deleting texts and taking his phone with him everywhere even into the bathroom! I am controlling but what does he expect?! He sneaks behind my back to do things, even if they arent bad.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've suggested counseling to help us rebuild trust in our relationship and he's agreed to it. But at the same time I see this longing in him to be single. I even asked him if he wanted to be single and he said yes but he wanted me too. He has to pick one!

Should I continue to stay with this guy and try to work things out, even though he fails to respect my needs and build trust in me? Is he just an immature 23 year old that will soon grow into a man or should I cut my losses and find someone who is over the bachelor lifestyle. I know I'm young and I definitely don't want to get married tommorow but I want someone who is more serious about me.

If you are spending time with her 3-4 times per week, I think that's plenty. Some women require more attention (are less independent) than others. If she needs more of your time, and you simply cannot give it, then perhaps she is not the one for you.

Make sure that the time you DO spend with her is quality time. Plan something that they will remember. Take the kids somewhere, or plan a short day trip. It would probably be better for you not to see her Wed and Fri, and instead take them on an all-day trip on Sat and/or Sun. Work on getting that "list" of things you said you would do for her crossed off.

If the things you promised are just too expensive, well maybe you shouldn't have promised them.

That's all of the feedback I can give for now. Good luck, and let me know how it goes (I like to write that, even though nobody actually comes back to let me know how it went).

-Ron

Hope someone can help me with this one and tell me whether ive been a selfish person or not. Honest replies would be great:), never hurts to learn from mistakes, no matter how hard they are.:(

I met my partner 6months ago, and we have had a nice relationship, apart from a few rocky parts here and there. We both live seperately. I work fulltime 8-5 job and she is a mother of 2 at home, doing parttime study during the day. I own a house that is causing a number of problems, and is taking a large part of my time. I dont know when I last saw any of my friends since the relationship or much else.

When we spent time together we got on well and had a lot of fun together. We are limited in what we can do as we cant go out much etc.
We have not gone out much and generally only spend time at each others place watching movies or boardgames and talking etc.
She has increasingly mentioned how much she wants to see me more, and how im always busy and trying to desert her trying to get off and get my own stuff done.
I generally try and spend Wed, Fri and Sat and sometimes Sunday evenings with her. Always spend part of the weekend day together as well, but not the full weekend.
I dont have a lot of time to spare, and really try and make an effort to meet those days with her as I know they are important to her.
She says im too busy for a relationship, and yet friends and family have said the amount of time Im putting in is ok, however after reading lots of posts on this site im starting to think I need to see her lots more.
Dont get me wrong, I love spending my time with her, I just also have lots of other stuff happening in my life.
Am I too busy for her as she says and my life is full of chaos or is she being slightly unreasonable…or am I the wrong sort of person she is looking for?

I dont know what to do, she has said good bye to me tonight via txt, which is harsh, but not before bringing up the number of things Ive said id do for her, and didnt. I feel so bad after this, I mean well, yet I forget things, maybe cause of everything I have on in my life.

I love her and the kids so much, and its a totally different relationship to what Im used to in the past, where I honestly didnt make that much effort. I dont know why, shoot me

I have dated other woman, and anything over twice a week was too much for some of them, is it she is just different and wanting whats right, or im just being selish?

Is she right? Am I really too busy?

Brace yourself for some blunt analysis. Your behavior during the breakup was bad, some might even say desperate. However, it's good that you were able to take a step back and make changes to your life.

People don't change easily, so I'm a little skeptical that you changed all of this in a month and a half. However, even if that is the case, she might not believe it either.

The best way to get back your gf is by moving on. You will be attractive to her if you are confident, self-aware, and not needy. I advise you not to call her anymore.

However, if you are dead set on this then I suppose you could show up with a hot date at a place she hangs out. Eventually, you may bump into her and mention that you are just dating and not in any serious relationship. It would be up to her to make the first move.

I'm not condoning that sort of thing, but it would be your best shot at getting her interested again. Relationships rarely turn out rosy after a breakup, so keep in mind that the odds are against you.

Good luck!

-Ron

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this, but please reply to my dilemna!
My girlfriend And I are both 22y.o. and went out for one year. She broke up with me about 3 months ago. I went into complete and utter panic mode. You name it, I did it; called her when I was angry, sad, all the time, etc. After about 2 weeks of wondering what happened I was still in panic mode and anytime I talked to her she just told me she didnt want to give up just yet. I stupidly held onto that hope and didn't change myself at all, I just hoped it would work out.

In fact I even planned to go back to my hometown a couple hours away for the weekend, but at the last moment I invited her to come with me. That whole weekend I was a state, trying to recover from this crisis, with her there the whole time. As a result I think I ended up pushing her further away. She told me she didn't know why we broke up, she just didnt want to 'drag it on.'

I thought about taking time to myself, I refused to take anyone's advice because I figured I just needed to do this myself. The paradox of it all was that I wasn't taking time to myself at all, I was just focusing on ways to fix the breakup.

Now that the dust has settled I can see completely why she broke up with me, and I dont blame her in the least. I was heavily addicted to computer gaming and I neglected not only her, but my own personal goals, I became very lazy and careless.

Well things have changed now, I've completely changed my outlook on life and started again to work towards goals I've had, I've become very organized and I'm no longer neglecting my health and career. I am also no longer worrying about what she's thinking and what I could have done.
But still though, I just wish I could be with her or to at least show her that I've changed. We both agreed to really make an effort to take time apart until I could be myself. I haven't talked to her in about a month and a half now because I didn't feel like I was ready to. I wanted to be myself so that I could show her the old me again. I tried calling last week and no answer. She has caller ID and knows that I called, should I keep trying? The last thing I want to do is show any desperation at all, because I think that's partly what killed it in the end.

I would ideally like to call her and set up a rendez-vous but not come across as desperate. It would just help me get some final closure to it all and get on with my life, with or without her. Does it matter anymore at this point? What should I do?

thanks,
ed

I recommend that you both go in for couples counseling. This is not a clear cut situation, and it could honestly go either way. If you are able to understand one another better through counseling sessions, you may be able to better support one another, or learn how to do that better.

I advise you to do your homework, because some therapists are better than others. In a long term relationship, you must learn to support each other. If you are doing all of the support, it is a heavy burden and the relationship may end badly because you will feel resentment. It sounds like your gf needs to learn to support you as well. We all go through rough patches, but if it goes on too long as you said, it can be draining.

Best of luck to you. Some things are worth fighting for, and I advise you both to go to at least 3 sessions of counseling before you make that determination.

-Ron

Ive been with my girlfriend for almost a year and it started amazingly – probably too much so. We got on incredibly well, had similar values and energy level (just read the compatability comments!) but how we dealt with problems was very different. I liked to face them, talk about them and move on. My gf liked to brush them under the carpet and move on. Eventually I got her to open up and start to talk about her problems and the things she found difficult.

This turned into a constant download of all her issues all the time. I realised that when she wasn't happy we as a couple weren't happy. So I tried to help her get through her difficulties.

In trying to help her I feel like Ive almost been squeezed out of the relationship. I've been so exhausted and drained just trying to keep her afloat over the last 6 months that I haven't felt as though we havent had any time for me. I tried to talk about these things but don't think I did very well. It got to the point a few weeks ago that I said that I'd had enough and wanted to end the relationship. This came as a complete surprise to her that I had been so unhappy. We talked through it and agreed that we would try and rectify some of the problems.

During the last few months I had tried to talk to her about most of the issues but it wasn't easy. She found it hard to analyse the relationship and a small issue that I was having turned into a massive all night intensive conversation that left us both drained. Which I guess has meant that I've probably not talked about things with her as much as I should have.

One of my concerns is that during these conversations we established that my gf wants to find someone who will look after her and I want to be with someone who will be my best friend. She is now happy with me being her best friend but I'm not sure if she knows how to be mine.

The difficulty is that we get on so well and have an amazing time together when things in her world are ok. When they're not then I'm helping her sort out her world. I love her but am a little confused as to how we can progress past this point. She feels betrayed and hurt because I tried to end it and I'm confused about whether she can provide what I want and if its worth fighting for. Any comments would be very welcome.

I can tell you this much, long distance relationships do not work when there is not already trust between both parties. The question you need to ask yourself is "Do I still trust him?" If the answer is no, you should start over with someone else.

If you were still living close together, my advice would be different. However, you specifically said it was a long distance relationship. Its hard to build back trust when you are hundreds or thousands of miles apart. Best of luck to you!