planning mode
dating scene
There's no doubt about it, rejection hurts. When it comes to dating and relationships, one thing is as certain as death and taxes - you will experience rejection. Rejection comes in all different shapes and sizes, just like the instrument that delivers it. Whether it is that pretty woman in the bar that you approached, you know- the one who turned her nose up and walked away - or whether it was your boyfriend whom you discovered wasn't spending his late night working hours alone, rejection hurts.
In fact, sometimes rejection hurts so deeply, that it causes serious emotional issues that can lead to depression, anxiety, and a fear of dating and relationships. One of the most common responses to rejection is anger. Sometimes, when people are rejected in a relationship, they become extremely angry. This anger must be dealt with in a proper manner or else it can consume you and destroy your life. This is especially true in the case of adultery, affairs, divorce, and other forms of betrayal. The single scene is full of wounded, rejected people who are ultimately terrified of getting in another relationship for fear that they will experience the devastating effects of rejection again.
It doesn't have to be this way, however. You can learn how to deal with rejection, accept it, and move on. It is a fact that everyone has been rejected. You may have turned the anger towards yourself. Common statements such as, "If only I were younger, prettier, thinner, more handsome", are often heard in lieu of someone being rejected, yet you should realize that even the most beautiful, rich, and notable celebrities are often rejected. If they have everything the world has to offer, and still suffer rejection, then the chances of those changes protecting you from rejection are slim.
Rejection is par for the course of love. It takes two people to make a great relationship, and as soon as one person decides its over, rejection sets in. If you could only look at it for what it is, it might make more sense, however one thing is for sure, it won't make it any less painful. There is most likely no pain as the one that radiates from a broken heart, and rejection has a way of compounding that pain. However, like all wounds, the pain that occurs from rejection will heal in time. The key is to move on, and not let the rejection rob you of your future joy and happiness.
Accepting the fact that rejection is a part of any relationship, especially one that is over, can help you prepare yourself for the next romantic endeavor in your life. Yes, you may need time to heal and mend your wounds before you're ready for the next relationship, but don't give up. Don't become angry, bitter, or build up defenses to protect yourself from possible future rejection. Those who do, never find true love and happiness. Your dream relationship may be just around the corner, keep the walls down and the door open and let true love walk in.
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(On July 6th, 2007 at 8:06 am)
But what really stinks is when necessary circumstances bring you together and attraction develops over time…unwanted and not looked for. I'm a married man and have been seeing the same physicians for years. They bring in a new female doctor who takes over my health care. Physically she is attractive but honestly it never affected me until recently. However her other qualities progressively got impressed on me over a 18 month period and all of a sudden she was beautiful and I couldn't stop thinking about her. She has been helping me with pain and now she is causing me pain. Recent clinical studies show rejection does affect the pain centers of the brain. I can't sit next to her without feeling like someone is shoveling out my insides…pain. I have to find another doctor now. I wasn't looking for this…it just happened.A total no-win situation for me. I didn't know how lonely I was.Moments like this I usually share with my wife…ha ha! how ironic! I don't feel like finding someone else because I wasn't looking for anyone to start with. What a land mine! I have had the pain of rejection before but I deserved it then. This sucks and there is no one I can blame and not much I can do about it except get on with life. Why don't I feel this bad when my wife rejects me?
(On August 13th, 2007 at 10:40 am)
I think, though, that "moving on" can sometimes be easier said that done. I once had a guy I was really into take notice of me, and we got too close too soon (not physically, just emotionally). He ended up using the things I told him about against me, and throwing them in my face. We had to get along for the sake of our social circle and work (we're both studying together in the same grad school program). I had some major loss in my family, and so I put off dealing with the situation with this guy. I thought I felt okay about it until he moved into my building a month and a half ago (a building with community living facilities), and started dating a girl significantly younger than either of us (although not very attractive). How am I supposed to "move on" when he is my housemate and in my social circle? I can't get away from it even with trying. The good thing is that I'm moving out of the area soon, but as of right now it's something I can't really get away from, and don't have the proper space to "move on."
(On August 13th, 2007 at 12:04 pm)
Hi Jaye,
I know it’s hard, but you are doing the best that you can. Unfortunately, rejection takes time to heal and you are being burdened with seeing your ex in another relationship, right under your nose. I commend you for how well you are handling it. I know it is hard and at times painful, but you sound like you are preparing yourself emotionally to move on. I agree that you are doing the right thing by moving out of the area. Hang in there; it won’t be much longer until he is just a distant memory that holds no emotional attachment!
Good Luck!
(On September 30th, 2007 at 9:30 am)
Well, in my experience of rejection I believe that time does not always heal the feelings of rejection. I believe that the only way to be truly set free from the feelings of rejection is to allow Jesus into your heart and allow him to fix your wounded spirit. Jesus himself suffered rejection as he was rejected by many of the people around him and actually was killed on a cross because he was so disliked. A reason why rejection can hold so much power over people is because when the rejection experience happened it is often linked to a real life event. Therefore when you think about it you can say that the rejection must be true because it actually happened to you therefore it is valid and real. However at these times of rejection Satan likes to slip in a lie that we are unwanted/undesirable people when the evemy happens which stick with us. Ans because rejection happened with a real time event there is no way of distinguishing between the lie and the truth of the situation. I had to spend months just asking Jesus to bring up any lies connected with rejection in my life because it was absolutely crippling to me. It still is. I am still going through a process of healing and it will take time. Although it has been tough I know that my reedemer lives and that he so desires to heal you of your rejection today, right now. Ask him into your life and he can begin to heal you and wash away the lies which may have affected your whole life. I know that I don't want to b e a person living in rejection anymore. I want to be a person living in the acceptance that comes from Jesus.
(On October 27th, 2007 at 4:50 pm)
I dealt with rejection repeadedly in a relationship about 4 yeaqrs ago and am not sure if I am even over it yet. I wont say I didnt have it coming after all the rejection I myself have dished out. I to try to seek Jesus in my feelings of rejection and loneliness. I hope to one day overcome this shackle and move on. One thing I think I know is that we were not meant to walk through pain alone.
(On December 3rd, 2007 at 5:38 am)
If we did not experience rejection we would not know what true exceptance is. I have been going through this rejection for, you might as well say as long as the relationship has existed (11 years)because in one way or another this guy has never really excepted me for who I am and now it is just all hitting the fan. I don't know haw to cut the emotional ties that I have with this person and it seems like instead of the hope I have that everything will be alright between us deminishing it is getting stronger. I know that Jesus is the answer and I even realize that we too reject Jesus in some situations as Peter did. but do you ever really get over or recover from someone rejecting you?/ Like the person earlier said the rejection is always tied up with a life experience so do you actually forget about that experience and how it made you feel? When you think about that situation that happened and the person it happened with doesn't that feeling of he left me or he didn't want me well back up? It is hard and confusing all at the same time. I'm praying for all my people who are experiencing the feeling of rejection and I want you all to pray for me, beause this has been a long time and I am tired of feeling this way (which mostly happens when I am alone and he is usually here).
(On January 3rd, 2008 at 7:02 am)
I have been dealing with a big rejection myself for quite sometime. It has been three months now and each day it gets a little bit easier, but, not much.
It all started when I met someone who lived around the corner from me. We started dating and everything happened so quickly, I found myself staying with him all the time. He showered me with all kinds of affection and gifts and even fixed up his place for me to stay in. Although, I kept my house down the street.
Everything was going fine until he recieved notice he was being sue along with a former partner. He was looking at bankruptcy because of it. Then someone who was lease purchasing a townhouse he still had a mortage note on skipped out on him leaving him with the mortage to pay. During this time the mortage company he was employed with went out of business. All this happened in the last three months of our six month relationship. He began to change after he recieved the lawsuit judgement which was in our third month of the relationship. He started coming home later and later. He was not as attentive as he once was.
I had to attend a conference for a week and he was suppose to go with me but decided to cancel because of all the problems he was experiencing. Strangely about three days before I left, a woman popped up in his driveway when I came home from work one afternoon early. I asked her what her business was there and she told me she was there to borrow some money from him for her car. I later, confronted him about it and he told me he did not know who she was and that he had been out of the car business for years and tried to shrug it off. I left for the conferance and when I came back, he asked me to move my stuff out that he might have to move out of the rented house he was in and into the vacant townhouse he was paying for. Also, he mentioned he might have to move out of the state to take a new job. I was shocked about the sudden discision he had made.
Later, I learned he did not move out of the house and he sold the townhouse, eventually. He is now on a dating website seeking younger women in the 40's age group. He is about to turn 62. I am in my 50's and all I can figure out is that I did not have enough money to help him and may have not been young enough for him. Who knows. He is broke, but, says he owns a business where he processes loans which he operates out of his rented home and says he is 56 on his profile and says he is a retired firefight but, he only worked in that profession a couple of years when he was younger and quit. HA!
I told him before we broke up that I did not care if he was rich or poor and that I was there for him. But, he did not want that. So I let him go.
It hurts me that I have to drive by his house each day going to my moms and to work. There are two roads which leads out of my house and both take me by his house on both sides. No way to avoid this. I just wished he had moved so I could move on easier. He lied to me on many levels and it is hard. I date other people now, but, my heart is not in it now.
(On April 12th, 2008 at 4:28 am)
I am recently in a break up from a lover of 7 years. I has taken me back. Kinda blindsided one can say. She has found another. I am trying to except that it is not about me but something she needed to change for herself. We had one of the most disfunctal relationship I believe ever existed. We had become co existing for so long. Friends were basically all we had become. I try to remember that this is for the best and not to allow the feelings of rejection and my wounded ego stop me from moving forward. I seek out all these web sites to help me through the really tuff spot. I know I will survive this and then I will be able to see the future is going to be bright. It has only been 6 weeks into this and so much has happened. But it will and is getting better.
(On April 13th, 2008 at 10:55 am)
In the Bible it says in Psalm 56 v8,
'You (God) keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.'
By reading this I know that God sees every tear I cry and that he knows about every sorrow I experience. He knows what I am going through and it's in those times of weakness that he draws me near. He knows how I feel when things really hurt me deep down.
(On April 17th, 2008 at 3:39 pm)
I find I get rejected less when I'm not "barking up the wrong tree" meaning, pursuing or dating the wrong women. It would be nice to see a portfolio of their past relationships to understand if there's a pattern or whether or not I'm their type. There's nothing worse than getting rejected by a woman who's dated nothing but losers before you, and drops you for a loser. When I say loser, I mean person who's significantly less radical than you are in every way. There's simply no sense in dating someone who has a past history of dating loser after loser. You may catch yourself thinking "Gee, I'll really have an advantage with this girl because I'm really awesome compared to her last/current boyfriend, she'll think I'm 'out of her league and will be putty in my hands."
Such thinking can only get a person in trouble. Some people love losers. Also, what you think is "radical" about you, may not be noticed by another person—individuals seen as losers by some may been seen as winners by others. Everything you value about yourself, all your treasured qualities, can be totally unnoticed by the object of your attraction.
(On April 17th, 2008 at 4:03 pm)
You will often find the right person for you to be with as soon as you stop looking. I believe that the Christian God sees every persons talents and special abilities and he values you. In the Bible it says how we see other people as ordinary, nothing special people but that God see's the treasure inside of us. In Zephaniah 3 v17 it says, 'For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty saviour. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song'. God sings over humanity! I've personally been rejected and some days it really hurts but God has been healing me bit by bit over the last year. Although I am not fully healed yet, I know that I am in a much better place since God has been healing me. Jesus is the way, the truth and the light.
(On June 7th, 2008 at 6:38 pm)
Dealing with rejection is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Especially when a person just walks away - without any explanation, without reason. When you don't even know, what went wrong - how do you get over it?
I really really liked this guy I met about 6 months back. We took it slow, we met a few times, but mostly emailed each other. And then, all of a sudden, after a few months - he stopped responding to any of my emails. He won't take my calls.
I have tried to ask him in a million ways - about what went wrong … but nothing. How can a person be so heartless? So mean? I've been rejected before - and I myself have rejected people in the past, but I've never dealt with a situation like this, where the other person just shuts you out of their life. Its so hard to come to terms with this. I don't know how to make myself get over this. I've gone from anger towards the other person, to being angry with myself, to being so very depressed and anti-social, because I feel like there's something wrong with me….
It hurts. And I don't know what to do.
(On July 26th, 2008 at 9:15 am)
Oh please. Using this logic, it would make sense to keep playing the lottery because that big winning number may be the next one you buy a ticket for.
I rarely ask women out anymore, I'm stuck in a caretaking situation for a single surviving parent who is a heart attack survivor. Cuts into you privacy in a big way. Most attractive and interesting women hear that you live with a parent and immediately label. you.
I was recently turned down and figured she is the final effort. I'm 53 now and hadn't even asked anyone in 5 or 6 years. In fact the last one was a Cardiac MD who all but rolled her eyes at me.
Life is not fair. At least there's always Ben & Jerry, they never let you down.
(On July 26th, 2008 at 9:46 am)
The key to the healing of rejection lies with Jesus. We need to consider how he identified with rejection from the very beginning of his life through to his death on the cross. It has been said that Jesus was the most rejected person who ever lived! Yet he never let rejection overcome or control him. He never manifested any of the fruit of rejection because the roots of rejection were never allowed to take hold.
Jesus suffered rejection but he did so in order to set us free from its grip. John sums up the rejection of Jesus:
'He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.' (John 1:10-12)
It was all for love. Jesus' death and resurrection became a divine exchange for us. He took our rejection. In its place we can receive healing, acceptance, affirmation, love, security, and much more.
In inner healing we need to acknowledge the hurts and wounded memories and surrender them to Jesus, asking the Holy Spirit to bring healing. We must allow a release of emotion - letting it happen without pushing the feelings of pain down. In the case of rejection, often deliverance is needed along with inner healing. The ability to distinguish between spirits is a gift of the holy spirit (1 Corinthians 12:10). We need to be able to discern what is from God, what is from ourselves, and what is demonic - sometimes it's not easy!
(Extract taken from Chapter 7 of 'Explaining Rejection' by Steve Hepden