planning mode
dating scene
So you've been dating for several months and now you are talking about getting married. Your friends and family ask you if you've lost your mind and you respond with stars in your eyes, "But we're in love…".
As the word love rolls off of your tongue you wonder for a brief moment if your relationship is moving too fast, and you quickly turn to thoughts of your wedding gown, potential bridesmaids, and wonder what your engagement ring will look like.
You may even realize that things are moving quickly, but there is a part of you that doesn't want to slow down. You love excitement and adventure and since the past few months have been a blast, your sure the rest of your life will be perfect, right?
Wrong! Too many people have made the mistake of rushing into a relationship and subsequently marriage before giving their relationship chance to truly blossom. If you are planning your bridal shower before you've had your first real fight, then you are moving way to fast and it is time to slow down.
The trouble with a relationship is that there are two people in it. This means that there are two different time schedules and two lives that are intersecting at the same point in time. Whether or not those two lives will continue traveling down the same road and at the same time is questionable. What is inevitable, however is that at some point, the two of you will head in different directions. It may not be at the same time, but it will occur. Whether it is a difference of opinion, different tastes, or different life choices, moving too fast may mean serious conflict when it is time to make serious decisions as a team.
If you are planning any type of long term relationship or commitment, yet haven't discovered how to handle your first life crises or difference of opinion, then it is time to slow down.
Let your relationship take the time it needs to grow. This is often accomplished inadvertently, when you face life's many challenges together. Every couple finds that the beginning months of a relationship are full of love and happiness. Its what happens in the later months, when you aren't feeling so wonderfully attracted to each other that you can truly begin to gauge where a relationship stands.
If your relationship is built to last you won't find out until you endure some trials and hardships. Everyone wants to be in a relationship for the long haul. No one intentionally enters into a relationship thinking that it will be over in a few months. However, it is much easier to end a relationship when you have been dating for several months then to file for divorce several years later. Move slowly and let nature take its course. Wait until you have a few real fights (the kind where you think you never want to see each other again) and then see where your relationship stands. Other than that, you are moving too fast.
(On July 28th, 2007 at 8:34 am)
A relationship is NOT the place to seek thrilling adventures! Slow, easy and deliberate is the route to take if one is considering a long-term or committed relationship. Not only will slowing down give your relationship time to blossom (if that is to be), it will also give you time to see the good, bad and ugly of your partner. Hopefully, the bad and ugly don't exist but if they do, you sure want to know that they exist before you have invested too much time, your heart and maybe even your money.
The writer is correct in stating that to stand the test of time, a relationship must go through some trials and tribulations. Trials and tribulations are not arrived at or over come in a quick, thrilling, short-time relationship.
Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher
Author, "Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces
http://www.carminwharton.com
(On May 3rd, 2008 at 9:41 pm)
Well, actually my boyfriend and I have been going through this exact thing. Here's the kicker, we're both still in high school and still teens.
We're working through it, we're talking and handling it in a very mature way. We've decided not to even broach the subject of marriage, children, lifetimes, or anything reguarding such a long time commitment.
We're both also Christians and we're trying to incorporate that into our relationship.
A person CANNOT expect three months, five months, or even ten months to yield lifetime results. You need to allow yourselves to grow and get to know eachother on more than a make-out, make-love, 'maul' level.
(On June 25th, 2008 at 4:34 pm)
I've been dating this guy for not so long and we haven't talked about marriage or anything but we have talked about cool ways of proposal, however, we'd like to spend forever together we don't jinx it. The more you talk about marriage and spending life together the more you analyze what you don't think you could live with in that person. This just makes matters worse and then you pick at that until something changes. I've had this experience and well for me it always ends up that we break up. So with this boy we don't speak of it often, we spend time together and with it being summer I've seen him pretty much everyday. I hope things work between me and my boy cause I do feel like I love him. However, if they don't there's always someone else out there.
(On September 26th, 2008 at 12:49 pm)
i've been dating this one guy for about 2-3 months and it seems to be going okay. i have 2 kids from a previous relationship (5 years) so of course, i think of my kids when i think about the kind of man i want to be with. its weird b/c i really want to introduce my kids to him but i'd really like to make sure that its going to last. we've had some "issues" but nothing so serious that i've considered breaking it off. in fact, i'd really like for us to make the next move and talk about actually putting a title to "us". he says he feels the same, but us women know how guys can be. they'll say what they need to get what they want. i'm praying that things work out but if they don't i know that i have made a great friend. he's certainly marriage material although i would have him cut his "gaming" time down to spend more time with me and his future family (my kids and the ones we may have together).
(On February 26th, 2009 at 6:42 am)
I have been dating my honey since Dec. of '06, we have talked about getting married but we have never gone through with it. He proposed to me in front of his parents and of course he's my honey and I love him so I said yes. We have our ups and downs but we really don't let them get the best of us. But I do think that people should take the time to actually get to know eachother.
(On March 31st, 2009 at 1:25 am)
Maybe I worry too much… But I've been going out with a guy for about two weeks and we've already started kissing and… I feel that it is all a bit too fast… Then I start having doubts… like maybe he likes kissing more than just being with me…. And then I think that he likes me more than I like him… Sorry I'm really just all over the place…
(On April 2nd, 2009 at 6:54 pm)
Well going to fast in a relationship is not healthy. You might get bored of the person, And it might result in a cheating matter or a horrible break up. But I've been dating my boyfriend for like a month. I've had sexual relations with him after five days. Adn honestly I know he loves me. I love him. BUt I have my douts now. We went way to fast.
But also in differnt outlooks. Marriage can always be reversed. But why would you commit to somone then wanna un-do everything. Yeah I'm only 15 but I got a head on my shoulders I had to grow up fast. And love is a great thing to have. But don't rush it. Once you do everything it gets old.
And Sophie honestly. I know what you're going through and it sucks I think my boyfriend likes me more then I do. We rushed everything. Kissing honestly isn't that big of a deal. Just if things don't work with him move on. Many men in the sea.
Also now I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. So don't rush everything. Don't be in my position.
(On May 13th, 2009 at 9:04 pm)
I met the guy ive just started dating a few months and we've hung out a little bit, but only started dating two weeks back. It just sort of happened one night after going out for dinner. Then after 3 dates, hes dropping me home and as im getting out of the car he tells me he loves me. Yes, warning lights flashing and going off!! Other then this he is completely normal and nice and I love being around him. I said to him he needs to get to know me before he can say this, and am just continuing on as normal and hanging out with him. He is Iranian so ive been trying to figure out if its a cultural thing too and or age, he is 32, I am 24 and Australian. I figure just give it time and see where it goes.
(On May 14th, 2009 at 9:32 am)
Dear AusEz,
I think you know what you're doing. You got the signal in your head that was a little off.. and it is. But you are also factoring in his age and culture, which does make a difference. But this is my advice, stay wary. That is very, very quick to say something like that. Do you know if it just slipped out? Or after saying it, did he want a response from you? That would make a huge difference.
(On May 20th, 2009 at 8:19 am)
Dear AusEz,
I have been talking to Tunisian man and I was wondering the same if they are really quick to talk about love. I have only known this guy for a short time and he tells me he loves me. I enjoy his company also but I have had to tell him that it is moving too fast for me and that we need to slow it down.
I also met a couple from that part of the country where they married after three months. The wife said that that is how it is sometimes in the Arabic world. She is happily married but she told me to be cautious about it all.
(On June 3rd, 2009 at 10:58 am)
I have been dating this guy for about a month
and even though we have not had sex he wants to introduce me to his family in upper east coast and take a week vacation with me already. I have been burned before. Is this considered moving too fast
(On June 3rd, 2009 at 12:10 pm)
I have been burned before plenty of times too because sometimes I failed to see what was helpful verses what is harmful. But I have learned from mistakes and am still learning.
Do you feel like it is too fast? Most of us(me included) who find forums like this are asking the same question because something inside of us is warning us. So we look for confirmation.
Is the "family gathering" and "week vacation" two different things? If so, wait on the vacation and decide for yourself if you want to meet his family.
And just remember that a guy will only go as fast as you let him. If you want to slow down, slow down. A man that is for you, will meet you in the middle. (very true). I am in a similar situation.
And congrats on not having sex yet.I have seen the downfall of that enough times in my past experiences. The last thing you want to do is have sex before you are completely sure of him. You have made it one month, let's go another =). (REMEMEBER:ALL THIS IS JUST MY OPINION) Time is your best friend in relationships. [LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK]
(On August 9th, 2009 at 8:48 pm)
Ive been talking with this gal for almost two weeks now. Weve hung out 4-5 times since. I keep telling her i want to hang out everyday i talk with her but sometimes it doesnt go down that way. I like her a lot and i get upset that when we do talk, she tells me she would call me back sometimes around a certain time but then doesnt get back to me until hours later or say she'll call me in the morning but calls me at 12-1. I told her i hate and wont have a phone relationship.. We always joke around about what couples would talk about but she told me that things r going too fast.. I dont know how fast is too fast in a relationship.. Please any tips to make me slow this relationship down. Sorry but theres more details if any would like to know but i hate typing on an ipod.
(On October 28th, 2009 at 6:06 am)
tk -
You need to back off with the demands brother. You cannot force her to do anything and if you try you'll only push her further away. So, telling her you do not want a "phone relationship" and getting mad at her over little things like punctuality is going to do you more harm than good.
I've been down this road before and, like you, I would easliy get upset and hurt if there were even a *hint* of her losing interest in me. The truth is, If she's going to lose interest it's going to happen no matter what. So keep your self-respect and if she's telling you things need to slow down then you have to back off. Let her tell you when she's ready to pick it up again. Find some otther things to do in the meantime and keep yourself occupied.
(On January 21st, 2010 at 9:45 pm)
We've been dating for 2 and half months. I love him. He mentioned marriage and said I love you first. We agreed to get married soon. Well we had a first discussion which was tideous and has now developed into friction. I thought about it a lot. I don't want to breakup, but to slow it down. Now he's hurt! And doesn't understand. I didn't mean to hurt him, but I feel this is the right thing to do.
I feel like he's telling me either change my mind to the way it was or forget it. IDK….