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It's one of the most common remarks heard after a breakup, "I think it would be best if we were friends." However, when it comes to remaining friends after a breakup, many wonder if it is really possible. The simple truth is that many times, breakups involve emotional hurts. There could be infidelity, anger, sadness, or unresolved issues at work, and all of these can put a serious strain on a future friendship. Also for a friendship to work, both parties must agree that they want to continue in this direction. Sometimes one party may be sincere in wanting to remain friends, while the other person may not be ready for a friendship. If the break up is causing a great deal of emotional stress or pain, they may feel that the best course of action is to stay a safe distance away from the other person.
Just as it takes two people to have a romantic relationship, it takes two people to have a successful friendship. Though it isn't impossible to remain friends after a breakup, due to the nature of the emotional issues involved in a relationship and breakup, it isn't as common as one may think. For a successful friendship to exist between two people who were romantically involved, there needs to be a high degree of maturity on both parties. In fact, the question shouldn't really be, "I think it would be best if we were friends." but rather, "Should we be friends?"
There are many reasons why people may want to be friends, but first some issues need to be addressed. Most importantly, both parties need to assess the benefits or emotional risks that will be the result of a continued friendship. For those who have had a long time friendship before starting a relationship, the thought of ending the friendship permanently may be overwhelming. In fact, many people who successfully maintain a friendship after a break up had an extended friendship before things took a romantic turn.
Another instance where it is important to ask the question, "Should we remain friends after a breakup?" is when children are involved. It is always in the best interest of the children, for parents to remain civilized and courteous after a breakup. It would be great if you could develop and maintain a strong friendship, however this may be difficult. Either way, it is important to always behave in a friendly manner with your ex and avoid speaking negatively about them when around your children.
There are some things to consider before deciding to work on a friendship with your ex. First, you should set ground rules. If both of you have decided that you should definitely not have a romantic relationship, and would like to revive your friendship, it is imperative that you set boundaries. It is fairly common for lines to be crossed, and before you know it, your friendship is turning into another romance. This can further complicate situations.
You should also make certain that your ex isn't using friendship as an excuse to try to monitor your behavior, or develop another romantic relationship with you. However, if you are comfortable with the idea of remaining friends, and set adequate boundaries, there is no reason you can't continue your friendship after you break up.


(On September 29th, 2007 at 7:44 pm)
The issue of Friendship becomes very important for couples that have separated or divorced when they have children. The need for an ongoing relationship as parents will be ever-present and hence the question is what will be the nature of this relationship? Isolina Ricci in her excellent book "Mom's House Dad's House" refers to the process for parents as a "retreat from intimacy" and she advocates that before friendship can be considered there first must be a "business relationship" especially if there's been a conflictual relationship. The formalities and cordialities of a business relationship provide a foundation for cooperation and goodwill that may later develop into a friendship.
Kind Regards,
Ebohr Munoz