PlanJam!From your screen to the scene

It is unrealistic to think that you will never have arguments in your relationship. A relationship consists of two different people, with separate sets of opinions, values, and belief systems. It is unavoidable that at some point in your relationship, you will encounter disagreements and arguments. The most important aspect to consider is not how to avoid arguing and disagreements, but rather how can you handle them effectively and fight fair.

Fighting fair basically means that when you have an argument or disagreement, that you won't resort to attacking your partner's character or personality during the argument. It is very important not to attack your partner personally throughout an argument; however, this is often the first thing that occurs. When partners call each other names, insult one another's character, or fight dirty they may cause serious damage to their relationship. Often, the fight will end, yet the words will linger in the back of their partner's mind. It can be very difficult to recover from negative words spoken during an argument.

The key to fighting fair is to determine what the exact source of the argument is. You may be surprised to discover that many people fight and by the time they are heavily engaged in battle, they don't even remember what the original disagreement was about. Situations can escalate quickly causing irreparable damage to a relationship in a very short time. If you can't fight fair, then you need to take a break. It takes a lot of self-control to step away from an argument that is turning sour. However, in successful relationships, self-control is key in fighting fair.

Also, when arguing, make sure that you don't blame the other person. If you continually start expressing your feelings by stating, "You did this" or "You never do that" you will instantly put your partner on defense mode. It is better to say, "I feel this way because" or "I feel like we never". Using phrases like these can keep the augment neutral and help prevent things from escalating out of control.

Another key element in fighting fair is to stop and listen to what your partner is saying. Sometimes, we can get so caught up in our own opinions and side of the disagreement, that we fail to listen to what our partner is actually saying. You should always make an effort to truly listen to what your partner is saying instead of focusing on defending your point of view.

When arguing, try to stay on topic. It can be tempting to bring up past issues to try to prove your point, however, this is never a part of finding a viable solution to the problem. Instead of jumping all over the place when arguing, stay on the topic at hand. Many people stray so far from the topic, that by the time the fight is over, they can't even remember what started the argument in the first place.

If you and your partner continually fight, and can't use tools to fight fair, then you should seek counseling. Fighting in a relationship is inevitable, but you must use tools to ensure that you fight fair. However, if the fighting gets worse, turns violent, or if your partner continuously degrades your character, it may be time to end the relationship.