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1. Andrea says —
   (On April 16th, 2008 at 8:16 pm)

   Hi there,
   I've just told my partner of over 7 years that I need to take a break. We have a tumultuous history, which mainly includes me wanting to leave him. In the past year and a bit I have even resorted to telling him his faults, which really aren't even his faults, as he is such a great person. He is so hurt, his self-confidence is diminishing and I hate myself for saying the things I said. To me, this break is really just a break, I need to figure out why, under times of stress, I behave so poorly. I panic, give him a list of things I'm not happy about, and then want to end it. He is a great person though. Can I actually deal with these issues that I have? What are these issues? And if I can, do you think I could ever mend the damage I have done? How? I know I personally need this break as I can't keep repeating this same pattern. It is so unfair to him and I hate seeing him so hurt. But everyday I ask myself what I have done. Help.

2. Adam says —
   (On June 9th, 2008 at 12:51 pm)

   My girlfriend of 5 and a half years has been going through about 6 months of being unhappy in our relationship. She is not sure why she is unhappy and I truely believe she does not know why. I didn't want to go on a break, but she has tried to stay with me and is just so unhappy.

   We ended up taking a break 4 days ago today. It has been absolutly horrible. I have called her 3 times and sent text messages. I know that calling her and texting her is not what she wants. I feel like if I don't stay in contact she will forget about me and won't come back.

   I am so lost and feel destroyed. Everything hurts so much. I do have friends that are helping me with this but the pain is still unbelievable.

   There is no right answer to this hurt and pain. Only time will tell what happens. It's just unbearable to think of my life without her.

3. Ron Zvagelsky says —
   (On June 9th, 2008 at 2:28 pm)

   Hi Adam,

   I want to start out by saying that I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Losing someone after 5 years can be really difficult and at times you may feel as though you’ll never be able to get over her. As you go through this process, it’s important that you remember that time really heals all…and no matter how painful it may be right now, it will get better.

   Your girlfriend’s unhappiness can stem from a number of different reasons and I really can’t make any assumptions without knowing more about your relationship. What I can tell you though, with pretty good certainty, is that this type of feeling arises quite often in long term relationships. Sometimes it’s easy to identify…work, stress, friends, commitment, but in most cases, we don’t really know why we’re unhappy…we just are.

   I believe that your girlfriend doesn’t know why she’s unhappy and that’s why it is so important that you give her time and space to figure things out. Nobody can tell you how things will work out…she may decide that she can’t live without you can come knocking on your door. Alternatively, she may never come back, or worse, decide that she wants you back when you’ve already moved on. Regardless of what happens, we need to focus on the present and that means giving her space…not calling or texting. Feeling as if she’ll forget about you during your time apart is common…but after 5 years together, trust me when I tell you that she knows you’re there.

   Your situation is difficult because you don’t know what to do. You want to be optimistic about her coming back, but at the same time, you can’t help but think that she may never come back at all. How long do you wait before you realize that it’s over and move on? You said it best….only time will tell. In the meantime, try to surround yourself with good friends and keep busy. Give her the space she needs but don’t set any milestones or dates. I promise you that things will naturally work out…they always do; and on that morning in the future, you’ll wake up and she’ll either be there with you or you’ll know that it’s time to move on.

   Good Luck!

4. dep says —
   (On June 9th, 2008 at 11:03 pm)

   my boyfriend and i have been together for 9 months.

   a few weeks ago my boyfriend went over seas for his oe as he has been plaining it before he met me.

   we have been haveing on and off fights for the hole month of(may).

   towards the end of the month we almost ended up breaking up but ended up have a break i agreed because i knew there is something there and i love him but cant say it because i my self have to learn to trust what he says and if he means it. he has never cheated and i know that so it not that.

   he has told me now since he has been over seas that he has fallen out of love for me and that he hopes that he will fall in love with me again when he gets back and said that he still realy cares for me

   im scared that now that we are having a break he might met some one and then she will see how amazing he is. i have had past relationships but he makes me realy happy he is always there and drops any thing to see me.

   i hope this break will do good rather than do bad.

5. Ron Zvagelsky says —
   (On June 10th, 2008 at 4:48 pm)

   Hi Dep,

   Although it may come off as a little harsh, I wouldn’t wait for someone who has told you that they’ve fallen out of love with you. The worst part of it all is that he said he may fall back in love with you again when he gets back. Love isn’t a once in a while thing…it’s either there or it isn’t, or it’s there and then lost.

   I get the feeling that he wants to try new things but doesn’t want to lose you either. That’s incredibly unfair to you and if he does end up coming back, I wouldn’t be surprised if the same thing happens again. The truth is, you’re the one that’s amazing…he already knows that and you need to as well.

   Best of luck!

6. Ron Zvagelsky says —
   (On June 10th, 2008 at 5:05 pm)

   Hi Andrea,

   Sorry for the delayed response.

   After being in a relationship for 7 years, there are so many things that can factor in to what you’ve been experiencing. Regardless of how good of a person he is, it’s likely that both of you aren’t right for each other…and there is nothing wrong with that. Your desire to leave the relationship, and your inability to do so, is probably the main reason why you react the way you do under stressful situations. It has nothing to do with him…you’re upset with yourself (the situation that you’re in) and you’re projecting those feeling onto him.

   You’ve already made the best possible decision…taking a break. I am not sure if your past relationships were similar, but regardless, you need to really concentrate on yourself in order to sort out your personal issues. Can you mend the damage you’ve caused? Well…if you haven’t done so already, I would offer him a sincere apology for all of the things you’ve said. Take complete responsibility for your actions and ask for his forgiveness…that’s really the only thing you can do. As far as what triggers these issues…without knowing too much about your situation, I would say that it stems from your unhappiness in the relationship. You didn’t just wake up unhappy one morning; it’s been slowly building up inside of you and this is how you’ve dealt with it. Only time will tell how things will work out, and if you find that you’re a different person when he’s not around, you should probably consider making the break permanent.

   Best of luck!

7. Marie says —
   (On June 29th, 2008 at 6:39 pm)

   I came upon this page when I was searching information about getting some space in a relationship or like you say, "taking a break". I have been in a 3 year relationship and both my partner and I have been through so much this past year. Last July, his Dad suffered a heart attack and died right in front of him. He seemed to shut off emotionally which I expected. I made sure to let him know I was there for him while he went through this. Now that it is coming upon the year anniversary of his dad's death we had another incident. My great grandmother, who he knew and loved, died of cancer.

   At that point he really seemed to turn off. He came to see me when she passed (and he was there in the hospital to visit her before) but I could tell he couldn't handle the pain of having to go through another death. Since then (it’s only been about a week since her passing) it has been extremely hard to get in touch with him and he just seems emotionally unavailable. He has tried to support me through this but seems to not be able to handle it.

   Today we had a long conversation and we both cried and he said he feels so screwed up and that he doesn't want to hurt me like he has been the past couple of weeks. The passing of my great grandmother has brought back too many memories of the passing of his father. He said he doesn't know what he wants and I truly feel he doesn’t. He mentioned space and I asked if he would rather take a "pause" or "stop" with the relationship. He said a "pause" for two weeks. So I am going to lay off and give him the emotional space he needs, no calls, no texts. I recommended a therapist since I truly believe he has not grieved his father in a helpful way.

   I am just so hurt. I feel that he truly doesn't know how to handle his feelings over the death of his father and I don't blame him at all. I just hope that this “pause” will help rather than harm this relationship. This isn't a "break" where we are exploring other avenues or new people, it is an emotional break to give him time to sort out his grieving and see if he can handle everything. What is your experience with grieving consecutive deaths and continuing a healthy relationship?

8. Emily says —
   (On July 8th, 2008 at 9:48 am)

   My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years. He is my first love, my first boyfriend, and I think because of that I have an extra attachment to him because I do not have any experience with other people. I have heard that this happens to many girls as a first boyfriend phase—this abandonment of self, and need to end up married to this guy.

   I feel like my happiness depends on him and on marrying him. He loves me tremendously and is my best friend but has had more experience and is just more independent and secure in himself. I on the other hand voluntarily give up hobbies, friends, family for him, and I pretty much put the huge burden on him to be my everything. I am obsessed with the idea of marrying him, even though I know its just completely unrealistic at this stage in my life, and in his. I know this and believe this completely but at the same time I want when the time does come to end up with him. I feel that if I don’t….I just feel that I need to, that its destiny, that if I don’t my life, the universe, everything would just be wrong.

   Feeling like this, throwing my future happiness all on something that is external to me, is just very hurtful and frustrating, to both of us.

   I don't want to do it anymore. I feel that I need to reclaim my individuality and realize that although he can be an amazing addition to my happiness, he can't be the stem of my happiness, of my life. I want to be happy and balanced. I don’t want to have anxiety or unwarranted jealousy/suspicion.

   How do I fix these issues? I am too scared to break up with him. Like I’ve said he’s been my everything and he’s such a special beautiful person. I don’t want to lose him or close any doors. I just want to do what it takes to strengthen and stabilize myself and ideally get back together with him.
   We have talked a couple of times about taking a break eventually. Do you think this could help? Would a break help me to find strength in myself and stop being so needy? Would seeing other people help me realize whether my relationship with him is driven by love or love mixed with obsession and attachment. Would seeing other people help me take off any first-love blinders I have on, the obsession and fear of being alone? I need to feel that in the long run I will be ok and will love myself whether or not I end up with him. What do you think? Take a break? How long?

9. DT says —
   (On September 5th, 2008 at 2:14 am)

   Hi,
   I've been going out with my girlfriend for over a year and it was going great, really great. Then when I came back from a holiday something was missing in me, I don't know what it was and I got that horrible pain in your stomach, the one where you know something is wrong but you try and avoid it anyway.
   We were set to move in together this weekend and for the past few months I have been really looking forward to it but suddenly out of nowhere this feeling came over me. I feel absolutely awful as she was meant to be moving in with me and now has nowhere to live in a weeks time.
   I still do love her, but something has changed, I don't know what and I just thought I could push past it by using antacid and herbal remedies, which obviously didn't work.
   I am a complete mess and don't know what to do…

10. Em says —
    (On September 13th, 2008 at 6:04 pm)

    well unfortunatly i joined this crowed about 2 hrs ago. My girlfriend of 2 yrs, have a son thats just over a year old and just bought a house july 21 2008 came to me about a month ago and said she was unhappy. shortly after that she started going out after work with her friend: who was living on the couch 1 week after we moved in because her and her boyfriend broke up and she had nowhere to live: anyways they started going out after work with people from work and it became more frequent and getting home later and later and sometimes not at all, so what do i do… what else, I start asking her " who is he, are you cheating, ect….. she denied it and said she was just trying to get some space which wasnt working out so well because of my insecurities and the fact we were still living togeather. up until now she showed me nothing but honesty and even though i know that i still feel i dont trust her at this moment. she is 24 and i am 27, dont know if the age has anything to do with it. she told she was unhappy because without realizing it i kinda became withdrawn and wasnt doing the things i use to do to make her feel special. i tried to explain to her i have been very stressed out after we had or son about financial issues" couldnt save money with bills and everything" and everybody was asking us when were getting married. She even brought it up but i felt it wasnt the right time because i didnt want to do it with all the recent changes in our lives and do it for the wrong reasons. she took it as i really didnt love her and if i wasnt ready then then i would never be. were on a break now and she just moved out with her friend that was living on our couch…whitch isnt here at this moment. I was just wandering what i should do given our son and house. when she first told me she was unhappy it was like a slap in the face and made me realize what i havent been doing and expressed it to her. how should this be handled? do i still call her? i was thinking about sending some flowers to her while she was at work in a couple of weeks. or should i just totaly ignore her with the exception of our son. she says if were meant to be were meant to be.

11. Denise Shively says —
    (On October 3rd, 2008 at 12:25 pm)

    Em,

    What, specifically, has she done that makes you feel you cannot trust her? A relationship will not work if there are trust issues, either with one or both partners.

    Stress is a part of life and it's normal for one partner to feel overwhelmed by it. She obviously feels neglected. The two of you have a home and a child together. You owe it to your son and yourselves to have a heart-to-heart about unresolved issues in your relationship. Ron wrote in this article that taking a break when there are issues that need to be worked on will NOT strengthen the relationship. Talk to her! If the two of you love each other that much then you need to sit down and have a serious talk about what your future plans are.

12. Julian says —
    (On October 5th, 2008 at 12:15 am)

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over 5 months but previously dated for 3 a year ago. She broke up with me a year ago because I went off to college, and we got back together at the end of my freshman year. She had assured me that she was serious this time. Even though I warned her about how difficult college would be being in a relationship, she told me that should would be able to handle it and make time for me.
    But during the first two weeks of school, we had not talked that much and I feel as if she was not prepared for what college was going to be like.
    Today my girlfriend decided that we should take a break and i've felt so heartbroken. All I want to do is call her and tell her not to leave but at the same time I know I have to give her space. A part of me is paranoid that it's over, but a part of me has hope because I know she loves me.
    I don't know what to do! Help!

13. Melissa says —
    (On October 5th, 2008 at 8:01 pm)

    Hi. I've got a question for you folks. My boyfriend sprung the break thing on me out of the blue. I'm finishing my phD and am writing my Thesis. This involves an incredible amount of patience, dilligence and if you know anyone who's tried this there are many people who simply do not finish because it is so consuming and difficult. On the same day that I find out my little sister, is very very ill and I'm sitting and worrying about her, he came over and dropped a bomb. I cook him a nice dinner (he buys me dinner all the time) and he eats with me and then we go to the video store like a normal "easy" Friday night. Then he sits on the couch, not next to me, but in a way that says stay away from me arms crossed, with his arms over his eyes. I ask him what is wrong and he tells me he's not sure if we are right for each other and that we should take a break. I was totally and completely shocked. Nothing in his behavior previously led me to believe this would occur.

    Given that I've been gone plenty of time (13 of 46 weeks) for my schooling, I find this rediculous. I was in Japan for 2 months, Costa Rica and I went home (2200 miles north of Texas) for 3 weeks. These trips were not consecutive, but evenly spaced out… and I thought these were healthy because they DID allow us time to think. Is it not reasonable to believe that if he didn't decide then, what is one more week?

    Well anyway, I was in shock when it happened and had no idea what to say. He has had his time… more time then most people would get or even want. I compromised the best I could. I told him he had until next Friday to decide if he wants to continue dating (1 full week). I can't sit and finish my thesis while I sit and worry about this. It would almost be easier if we just were broken up. Then at least I could get mad…. But I love him so much… and I don't want to break up with him.

    I am looking for decent advice. Should I disappear during this week? Would that strengthen things? I am the type of girlfriend who will go out of my way for a boyfriend. I have been helping him fix up his house (I'm good at painting so I can help a lot), cook him dinners and help him any way that I can. If he leaves a shirt here, I wash it… Just nice little things. I think I'm cute, size 0 and I always make an effort to look pretty for him. Those things obviously didn't make a difference. What will leave him impressed?? Should I write him a love letter? Should I pretend he doesn't exist? I am so confused!

    I'll tell you one thing, when we get together on Friday I'm going to wear the most beautiful outfit ever… But other then that I'm at a total loss.

14. Nick says —
    (On October 16th, 2008 at 1:30 am)

    My girlfriend of 4 1/2 years recently told me that she didnt want to break up but that she wanted to take a break from me. I think it may be important to note that she said that she did not have time for me/us right now, but she is NOT an emotional rollercoaster like *keyword* some women BUT she cried out and said that she did not want to have regrets.
    She is a senior at a big university and is planning to move out of state for her master's this next summer. I talked to her about moving and we had plans and such, but I told her that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
    I finished college back in '05 and shortly after I moved with her to help her finish her undergrad at a different school, but she changed her mind on profession, so we ended up moving back.
    More background on her…
    She lost a very close friend of hers to cancer earlier this year and her sister whom she is close too as well tried to commit suicide.
    She is dealing with all that plus she moved out of her parents and into an apartment with a roomate…more stress.
    She works full-time and goes to school full time. In addition, (I am no means making excuses, but I am trying to figure out what is going on in her head) she is trying to study for her entrance exams to grad school.
    Yikes, I am sorry this is so long but she is the sweetest girl and I want to stop and say I know you asked for space and I DON'T want to smother you but I am tired of kidding ourselves lets go and pick out a ring.
    I have read many things on the internet and spoke with some of my friends and they all say DONT CALL HER and IF she calls you call her back the next day or something. Any advise on how long I should wait to call?
    Confused in Midwest. Thank you…

15. yorben says —
    (On October 18th, 2008 at 9:32 pm)

    hi,

    i have been dating my girlfriend for a year and 11 months now, she is by far the best and most stable event to ever occur in my life, every moment i spend with her i feel like im floating away, she has touched me like no1 else before (emotional connotation) and i love her, she is my best friend aswell as my lover.

    lately however, we have both been extremely stressed with exams and university work on her side, aswell as dance rehersals etc etc. over the past couple of months it had become more and more aparant that organisationally i come in secondary to her school work. this being in the sense that, when it comes to a deadline for a paper she has to hand in, she will hve it done a week in advance. however if it comes to having a date with me, or popping over, she is forgetfull, unorganised and sometimes just plain inconsiderate of my life.
    dont get me wrong, i have no problem with her spending more time on her education than me, i just cant help feeling like i'm not half as important as it. after she blew me off 4 dates in a row (which is quite alot seeing as i usually only see her during weekends and one in the week)i took the liberty of telling her how i felt, for a few weeks this went very well, but then a couple of days ago she came to the conclusion that i was limiting her, that she couldnt take how everything she does affects me in some way, and that she is not sure that she wants to be in a relationship right now. the 2 following nights i left her alone and she went out with her friends to blow of some steam, i thought all was going well, as i was giving her some space. but last night she called me with the news that she wanted to break up, because she just couldnt handle a relationship right now, and i needed her to much. (i will confess that there is an element of truth to that statement, but personally i see no clinginess in the fact that we call each other once or twice a day, and usually go out on the weekends, i actually see that as relativly little) however, i half convinced her that it was a break we needed, and so we are on a break for a month now, half of that time she will be in koh samui with her parents, and i will be having exams.

    the problem is, i dont know if we will pull through this, i wasnt convinced that she is really seeing this as a 'break' i believe to her it is closer to a permanent break.
    how do i convinve her i'm not clingy without talking to her? how do i not let her forget about me, while not being by her side? how can i sit idlely by and watch her slip away from me? my hands are tied and i dont know what to do anymore. i just hope she remembers all the amazing times we've had together, not the lesser ones.

    so far the only contact i have made was an sms stating:

    "being on a break does not mean we can date other people (true/false)"

    attempting to keep it as discreet as possible.

    somebody give me guidance, advice on how to cope with this, my friends, go bless them, havnt experienced relationships past 2 months and as hard as they try, simply cannot relate to the pain and emptyness i feel.

    please feel free to email me about this

    yorby_1000@hotmail.com

    thankyou all
    -yorben

16. yorben says —
    (On October 18th, 2008 at 9:36 pm)

    amendment:

    as soon i i pressed submit i recieved an sms from her stating "ofcourse its true you dumbass" which believe it or not is actually charming (interrelationship humor if you will)

    at least this is a load of my paranoid mind

17. Confused says —
    (On October 29th, 2008 at 5:50 pm)

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We had our ups and downs like in any relationship, but we always talked about it and moved on. So, I thought everything was pretty much great.

    Just recently he dropped a bomb of confessions of all the things he's done to me which he now regrets. He says he didn't cheat on me, however he still completely violated my trust.

    He said he fell out of love somewhere along the way, but he never let me know anything of the sort. I feel as though our entire relationship has been a lie.

    He says that he's wanting to start fresh, because he feels like he's a new man with new priorities. He says he realizes what he really has with me and he could never forgive himself for crossing me the way he did. Well, that's all great, but I can't believe a single word he says now.

    I gave him two months to prove to me that he wanted our relationship to work and that he was sure I was the one he wanted. That didn't work out, because he was always pressuring me to forgive and forget. I have only known for a week! How am I supposed to heal in ONE WEEK?!

    Today I told him that I needed a break. The break is so I can clear my mind and really focus on the decision at hand. We live together and I can't see through the fog while he's around me! I hope that he can figure out what he wants too. I'm really not sure what I want at the moment.

    I will miss him terribly though. Sleeping alone, waking up alone, eating breakfast alone, doing chores alone, watching TV alone… This is so hard! I haven't been away from him since we got together.. It's unbearable to think about now.

    I know I'm doing the right thing. We both need this time to think. What do y'all think?

18. Lizzyb says —
    (On November 3rd, 2008 at 12:43 am)

    My boyfriend and I of 2.5 years are now currently on a break too. He initiated it but when he did he told me he loved me, wanted to be with me but was just confused. He was crying and crying and he NEVER cries, not even when his grandfather died. I said some really hurtful things to him a couple of weeks ago, including saying that I thought we should end things (which I didn't mean) and he said since then it was like a piece of him died. He wants to go on a two month break while he's overseas and then be back together in January. He says he doesn't want to see other people because right now he's pushing away the thing that makes him the happiest in the world and a euro fling just wouldn't cut it. I feel terrible. I'm letting him have his space, he messages and calls from time to time but I feel like I really fcuked up and don't know how to make it up to him.

19. Lauryn says —
    (On November 7th, 2008 at 8:46 pm)

    I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now and have come to the point where I'm not sure if I want to continue with him or not. We both recently graduated from college about 6 months ago (where we met) and are now both back in our hometowns, about 2.5 hours away from eachother. I am not willing to move due to my coaching job that I have been doing for over 6 years and he is not willing to move for other reasons (family, friends, the area, etc.).

    Prior to graduating from college, he had mentioned several times that our relationship was pretty much going to end once we both moved home. Because of this, I began thinking about what I was going to do once we weren't together anymore. We got in an argument one day and I got so mad that I told him it was over and he left. He has always kept me on a pretty short leash, having all of my email passwords and things like that, and not allowing me to talk to any other guy that I ever dated, talked to, or messed around with, so once I told him it was over I felt like I was free. That night I decided to call my ex-boyfriend, which I guess was just me utilizing my new found freedom. While talking to my ex, my boyfriend beeped in on the other and I did not feel any obligation to talk to him so I didn't answer right away. I eventually answered after he called again and he knew I was on the other line with someone. At first I would not tell him who it was because I knew he would be pissed. But, I ended up telling him who it was later. We talked for a long time and I told him about all of my issues that I had with him and he wanted to try and fix them and make it work. But now since I made that phone call to my ex that night, he has tabs on me even more than before because he thinks I am going to sneak around with him, even though that is not the case at all. It just so happens that my ex works at the same place as me, which makes things even worse. If he knows I get off work at 7, and I don't call him until 7:15, he gets really mad at me and asks me a million questions about my whereabouts. This is a problem that is not going to go away because since we are both coaches (me and my ex) for the same youth sports program. I understand why he feels the way he does, but I just don't know if I can live with him getting mad all the time about it, especially when I am not cheating on him in any way.

    Being over 2 hours away and having busy lives, we see eachother about twice a month or so for a few days. Our relationship is good about 70% of the time, but the other 30% we get into fights and I just can't see myself having a future with him because of how quickly he can make assumptions and get angry.

    We recently talked again about our future and how I wasn't sure if we should continue because if neither of us are ever willing to move, then this relationship is not going to work. You can only have a long distance relationship for so long because at some point somethings gotta give. We decided that until I get a professional full-time job, then we can't make any decisions as to our future. So now he is saying that maybe once I get a job and move into my own apartment that he could come stay with me for extended periods of time, instead of just a few days like he does now since I live with my parents. Then maybe he would actually like living here and consider moving here with me. This is the first he has ever said he would consider moving here. The thing is, I am still yet to land a job, and don't plan on moving into my own place until I have been working for at least 3 months to make sure that I have a financial cushion. I just don't know if I want to wait any longer just to find out that it isn't going to work out.

    I am considering asking him to take a break for a little while so that I can figure out what I truly want and really find myself. I wouldn't mind looking into other possible options either to see if there is someone better for me. I am just really confused at this point and I'm not sure what to do.

    Please provide your insight.

20. Phil says —
    (On November 13th, 2008 at 10:23 am)

    I really need help. My fiance and I have been together for almost 8 years. We had a long distance relationship so she decided move to my home state and we just recently moved back to her home state. The reason we moved to her home state she was not happy in my state. We have had so many unresolved problems, now we are on a break. She said she has to think about us and if i belong in her future. She says she regrets the past 8 years and she can only remember the bad times that we have had because it out weighs the good. I must admit I could have treated her better but I am ready to give my life to her completely but I have said that before and she no longer believes me. I have given her plenty of empty promises before.
    One of the major problems is we live together with her family! We sleep in the same room! I sleep on the floor while she sleeps in the bed. She said I am more than welcome to stay, but if I needed help going back home she could help me. I have no friends and family in this state, all I have is her family. I am Godfather to her sister's baby and her cousin's baby. I play nanny to her sister's baby when everyone goes to work. All her family wants us to get back together but she does not want to because we just split up 5 days ago. Yesterday was the only time we spoke to each other calmly and she told me what she wanted, a split. I cannot just get up and leave. I spent all of my savings getting us here. Her and her family have been supporting me until I could get on my feet.
    The other problem is, she has found someone else to spend her time with. She said she doesn't know how much feelings she has for him, I asked if she loved him there was no reply. I blame myself for this because I didn't give her the attention she deserved. She even told me I should make friends and even go on some dates. I told her I just wanted to date her, she rolled her eyes at me.
    We haven't had alone time just me and her in years, I can't remember the last time we went on a date. I told her we need to go on a date so see could see the change in me and she said it wasn't a good idea and it would "cloud her judgment." She has been saying that a lot lately, she didn't want to "cloud her judgment."
    I want to be with her soooo badly I wish we were together. She held my hand yesterday and I could not stop crying. I want to make up the past 8 years because I know I can be the man she deserves and more, I feel it in my heart. I would do anything to get rid of this immense pain in my heart. I can't eat, sleep or stop crying. I just want her love back.

21. Holly says —
    (On November 16th, 2008 at 7:06 am)

    I am a Chinese girl and my bf is an American. We have more than 1 years relationship and live with each other for almost 10 months. Sometimes we righted but not very often. One thing matters in relationship is that he think our communication would kill him and make him sick, and I was too care for him which make him can not breath. So, after on fighting, we had agreement to take a break for a couple of weeks, but I know that I need to give him space and respect for this break, but I kept on bad mood and beg him that I need to see him, finally he just allowed me to stay twice a week, caz I told him that he can take this break two weeks later after go back to US(he will fly back to US today for 2 weeks). You know last night, he got his friend call who laughed at him when I was still around. He told me he did not want to live with someone even if we get back to this relationship until he want to get married in the future, since he wants his own space at home. We really like each other very much, and I know I have some problem, too care for him, my habit does not attract him. I know the answer for this will be let him to take this break and I need to do thing for myself else, cheer up girl. What’s more he can not see the future of us, and he told me he is so care for me as to bear the bitter to lose me and let me to find my husband in the future. I really do not know how to deal with him and if we have future for the cross-culture relationship.

22. KS says —
    (On November 30th, 2008 at 8:50 pm)

    My situation is very frustrating. I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years now. What was said in the beginning of this, that the feeling of truly "being in love" doesn't last, is definitely true. It is really only for about the first two years. For me, the first two years were amazing. I had 3 serious relationships before him, but with him it was different. I could spend every minute of the day with him and was completely content with doing just that. He was the first boyfriend I've had that I felt truly loved me and always would. He would do anything for me and I for him. He also enjoyed doing things for me, taking me out, surprises, trips, gifts. I always felt like it was way too much because I couldn't really give those types of things in return, but he said it made him happy to do it. I had never been catered to like that before, so I guess it made me feel kind of special. For him, this was his first really serious/long-term relationship, so I was skeptical whether or not his feelings would fade because this was so new for him. Eventually, those feelings began to fade for both of us. We stopped going out together, he didn't enjoy doing special things for me anymore, I felt like we were together, yet so distant. It seemed that the only thing we had in common or enjoyed together anymore was our sex life. From then on, I was unhappy and was sure he was too, but it just kept going like this. Eventually, we took a break, but in a bad way. We never got along, but I kept going back and eventually realized that all we had turned into were hook-up buddy's; such a horrible feeling when this was with the person I thought I was going to marry. We had talked about marriage 100 times, certain that we were meant to be. So, I felt lost and confused. After the break, on his terms, we got back together. I felt so desperate to be back together with him that I forgot about my feelings. I wasn't really happy with him or our relationship, but I didn't want to lose him. For the past four months, we've tried to make it work, but it's been awkward. Saying "I love you" again was the worst. We decided when we got back together we were going to take it slow, start over, but when you've said "i love you" everyday for the past 2 and a half years, it's hard not to go back to that, especially when you really feel that way. I could tell that he didn't really want to say those 3 words, though, and he felt like I pressured him to. I've come to find that he felt like I put more pressure on him than just that; Pressure to be constantly affectionate, to tell me how much he loves me, to invite me everywhere he goes. I didn't know that's how I was making him feel, but now that I look at it, I guess I was. I guess I felt like I needed all that attention to know that he really did love me and want me. Now, we're in a huge rut. As of a week ago, we are broken up. I ended it because I really was not truly happy. I didn't feel like he felt the same as I did anymore and our relationship was just too far gone to be fixed. He agreed at the time, but decided a couple of days ago that he can't lose me, that I'm the best thing in his life right now, and we're meant to be. I feel the same way, but don't want to go back to how things were for the past four months. I feel like we need time apart to figure out how to make ourselves happy first, before trying to make each other happy. I feel like this will better our relationship in the future. However, I don't want to lose him for good. What should I do? Is it just too complicated to work out?

23. Karie says —
    (On December 1st, 2008 at 1:20 pm)

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for just about a year and a half. Everything was going great then he's attitude just took a total nose dive. he was losing interest in me, didn't want to go riding any more with his buddies, didn't want to go out, and was getting temper fares like no bodys business.

    I had then asked him if he was still attracted to me and he said he didn't know and he said he felt like the 'spark' in the relationship wasn't there anymore. I spoke with him and told him how when all we do is go over to either of our houses, watch a movie then leave it's bound to happen and that we just need to decidate sometime to going out or having a romantic evening. We took about a week apart then met up to talk, but he was in a bad mood so we put it off for another 3 days, then went out to dinner. It was like a tota turn around from there, he was back to imself and laughing and everything and told me he was in love with me and wanted to work things out.

    Then a week later he got even worse and I spoke and asked if he felt he could be depressed and he agreed. His work is trying to cut his hours so his boss can guarantee his nephew 40 hours a week.
    So we agreed that he should take some time to think things through then we'll talk; so we took another week apart. We met up and he was saying he's upset that he's barried in bills and he's in 2 dead end jobs with no chance of advancement and that he desn't want me out of his life but feels that he needs to be happy before he makes someone else happy.

    So we mutually agreed that we'd take a break to he could regroup his life then we'll take another shot at it. I never showed anger towards him, and i've done nothing but remain supportive and tell him i think it's great that he's thinking things through

    he said he still wanted to go snowboarding with me and still wants to talk with me, and doesn't want to date anyone else….i said he could open up the lines of communication…

    I haven't heard from him in just a bit over a week….Is it likely that we'll work things out?

    I do love him, very much. And I had asked him if he loves me and he said "I think I love you". I'm really scared and miss him immensely….
    Do we stand a chance? Are my feelings justified?

24. leigh says —
    (On December 4th, 2008 at 6:43 pm)

    I am so confused my bf of 11 months says he wants to take a break he says its not that i dont love you i just need some time to get things in order for our future together. What exactly does this mean. He says he will keep in contact with me call me everyday he will keep the pics he has of me on his phone and ill be on his mind all the time. He is talking about the plans he is gonna do with me and that when i come back what i need to get done and have to do. He told me he wanted to take a break a few days ago and i have been trying to figure out what i did wrong and its heartbreaking to find out that he supposedly isnt in love you anymore. And what is really weird is that same day he told me that he told me he loved me and everything and then i asked him what was wrong and he told me things were on his mind. He made a promise to me that taking this break will work out and that its a new beginning for our relationship. Can you help me with this one plz i am so confused as to if he really loves me and is just trying to build a better relationship for us and our future

25. Liz says —
    (On December 29th, 2008 at 3:46 pm)

    Dear Karie,

    Your feelings are absolutely justified. You seem like a very sincere, supportive and understanding girlfriend. Taking a break can go two ways: it can either be beneficial to your relationship or it may just be an excuse to temporarily avoid some underlying issue or problem.
    This break obviously stems from some issue that your boyfriend is personally dealing with. I understand that a possible key factor affecting your relationship is your boyfriend’s current work situation. Did you two move into the relationship too quickly? Sometimes, when couples move too quickly, they aren’t ready to handle or don’t know how to best support each other in the event that a personal struggle or challenge comes along the way.
    In this case, you were clearly surprised by your boyfriend’s sudden change in attitude. Yes, external circumstances can interfere with relationships. Taking a break can allow couples to work out their personal issues without the pressure of having to maintain a relationship. However, communication is the key to resolving any relationship problem. It seems to me like your boyfriend is not doing a very good job of communicating his feelings with you, and that’s not fair to you. He made a good point about working on his individual happiness before working on making a relationship work. However, that’s no excuse for his spontaneous temper flares. At this time, it seems like he is not ready to be in a committed relationship. There is definitely a huge weight on his shoulder and it manifests in his indecisive behavior toward you.
    I would really re-evaluate this relationship by first looking towards your personal future goals. Can you see this relationship in line with these determinations?
    How long has it been since you last spoke to him? Breakups can renew the relationship between two people who, from taking a break, can deepen their appreciation for their partner. With your boyfriend saying that he thinks he loves you indicates that he may either need more time, or realizes that this relationship just isn’t going anywhere. It’s hard to gauge exactly what his motives are for taking this break. I hope you can reach out to him and have an open dialogue. Otherwise, I would suggest that you move on.
    Sincerely,
    Liz

26. Marie says —
    (On January 5th, 2009 at 10:39 am)

    My boyfriend and I have been together 7 months and the last couple of weeks have been very rough with the holidays and family stuff that he has been very distant from me. See we live 1 house away from each other and it is very easy to see one another when ever. He is older then me 43 yrs and I am 33 yrs. I confronted him about my feelings and felt very neglected and then that is when he said he felt smothered and that we needed to take a break. he said he still loves me and wants us to go back to the way things were in the beginning. I understand what he is saying but I am scared that he might want to date someone else. He has alot of friends that are girls that told me time and time again how lucky I was to have him. I love this man he has made me feel something I havent felt in a long time. I cant loose him. He is said this isnt a break up but just a break for awhile so we can feel those feelings again.
    Everyone I have spoken to tells me not to worry if he comes back then it was ment to be but if not then I just have to act like I dont care and he will see that and most likey will start to realized what he lost. I cant do that I hate not being around him. I feel sick inside. HELP ME PLEASE

27. blanca says —
    (On January 6th, 2009 at 6:33 pm)

    hi my girlfriend of 1 year and 2 weeks has told me that she wants to take a break that she needs time to find herself she said she knows who she is with me but she dosent know who she is without me… i love her soo much my love for her hasnt changed.. she tells me she loves me and wants this to work out so thats why shes considering a break becuase she dosent want to loose me.. she said she sees me with her in the long run. we decided to take the break with out talking to other people.. the problem is we still live together and its hard how am i suppose to act with her… please comment back i need advise.. i dont wanna loose her i lover her soo much

28. jasminn says —
    (On January 7th, 2009 at 4:30 am)

    my name is jasminn and i am in desperate need of help. in my situation, i am the initiator of the break. my boyfriend and i have been dating four 4 years as of today. we were high school sweathearts and last fall i decided to go away for college. while away at college, i got a glimpse into everything that i feel i'm missing out on. my boyfriend is the only sexual partner i've ever had, the only boyfriend i've ever had, and basically my first everything. and i find myself wondering what it'd be like to date, have sex with, and be found attractive by other guys. i also believe that i can find myself through other relationships with other guys. for me, its a self esteem issue. i honestly dont know where i stand as far as experience and attractiveness, because i have only been with my boyfriend. while everyone around me tells me that my feelings and thoughts are morally wrong and that i'm heartless, i believe that my reasons are definitely valid. i am 19 years old and i want to experience life. i also feel the need to take a break from our relationship because i've seen too many divorces and affairs amongst people i know. i feel that in order to fully commit myself to someone i need to experience the other side of life. and i feel that right now would be the best time to do so, rather than 20 years later in life when i have a joined bank account, a diamond ring, and a family that i'm fully devoted to. i plan on marrying my current boyfriend and i can definitely see him in my future. but now, he is giving me only 2 choices: stay forever or be gone forever. i dont know what to do. what should i do? and are these feelings really wrong? do i sweep all of my emotions, thoughts, and beliefs under the rug forever and paint a smile on everyday til death do us apart in order to keep him? or do i take this break and choose myself over him?

29. L says —
    (On January 16th, 2009 at 12:01 am)

    I've been with my boyfriend for many, many years now. And recently had some serious communication issues. We have, unfortunately right now, a long distance relationship. His mother falling ill to caner sometime ago he moved back home while i stayed behind to be at home and work at school and getting a career going. We never struggled much with the distance. There was never a doubt that we could trust each other and we both loved each other for so long now. The hardest part was just being apart, missing out on all the little things.

    After the last time i saw him things seemed to change with him. He became more distant and harder to really talk to. I was worried something was wrong. Though i asked we never talked about it other than he didn't want to talk about it. And that when he was ready i was there for him. I was worried his mother was ill again after surviving the cancer. There were a few times she had gotten very ill and taken to the hospital before this year, not related to the cancer luckily though still not good.

    At one point, i began to wonder if he wanted to be in the relationship with me but didn't have the guts to tell me. Or maybe he just didn't know how. So i asked him, and he said he didn't want to leave me. I gave him the chance too. I told him to tell me, i rather know and be hurt than find out later and be broken. I made it clear that i wanted to be with him but that i had no desire to be with someone and love someone that couldn't love me or want to be with me.

    After that i thought things would get better. He had said he didn't want to break up. He reassured me that he still loved me and he didn't have any reason to be with anyone else. But again the same problems. The distance (and not literally) the lack of communication and openess was there still yet again, maybe even worse. It was a week before christmas that i spoke to him and told him. I wanted to take a break. I wanted time to rethink the "relationship" that we had and where it was going. If it'd ever be able to go anywhere now with how things were. I did this after asking him again whether or not he wanted to break up and end the relationship. To which he still said no. I told him i couldn't keep going on like this. That i'd give him a month to be by himself and think through things. But that'd i'd need an answer. Either he was in or out. I need someone willing to work at things, not say they're sorry and do it over and over again. I made it clear what i wanted, that i knew and had been fighting for it. I wanted him, i loved him and just wanted him to be happy. But even so, i couldn't and wouldn't be with someone who didn't try themselves.

    If he's upset and anxious fine, he could tell me. I know he's not one to talk about these things, not just to me but anyone. But to everyone he knows, family and friends. But he still needs to treat me with respect and understand i have feelings. I love him so much, our anniversary is in a month and i wonder if we'll make it to it. We're suppose to talk this weekend, it'll be a month then. I'm nervous and worried about what he'll have to tell me. I'd already made up my mind, i know what i want but i'm afraid. Because i'm not sure anymore what it is he wants, if it even includes a life with me. If i have to let him go i will but i don't want to. I don't like giving up but i think i might have to and that scares me. One person can't fight by themselves to make the relationship work. Both people need to want it just as equally.

    I've been with him for over 8 years now. I always thought in the back of my head that someday we'd get married. Maybe have kids. Wasn't one to be in a hurry for it but i still wanted it, still thought about it like every othe woman. I feel as though i'm mourning the loss of the life i never even got to have with him.

30. Emily says —
    (On January 27th, 2009 at 3:58 pm)

    My boyfriend and I have been going out for over a year, he is older than I am and has previously been married. When we first got together everything was AMAZING. It was honestly like a fairytale! I helped him with his business, and slowed down on my schooling, I am now going to school to help him with his business also, just not full time. I moved out of my town into his permanently after my apartment lease was up. And we live together. Lately he has been having some really weird off and on spells. One minute he says he cant believe we;ve been together so long and he is so happy and in love with me and he can trust me… the next minute hes going through my cell phone, telling me he hates me and pulling the ebrake in my car while we are driving 40mph down an ice covered road. Yesterday we were fine! he loved me i love him, and then all of the sudden he loves me but cant be with me. i dont do enough for him… which i do, i cook, i clean, i care for him, i help with his business, i help his family out, i dont even see my family but once a month, i dont have any friends anymore. he goes out whenever he wants to, i ask him about my job before i get one to make sure he is ok with it. and im going to school for HIM to help HIM. I dont understand it. What do i do? do i give him space? do i leave our apartment for a while? do i still live here but just not bother him?.. i have no where else to go around here to stay but with his family. i dont want to lose him. He is my EVERYTHING i love him more than anything in the world. Please help me. I have no one else to turn to

31. Blane says —
    (On January 30th, 2009 at 8:12 am)

    So me and my girlfriend have been together for 6 months. We've been through an awful lot. Each time, our love for eachother grows. for the past 2 weeks, we have been arguing constantly. Recently, she told me that she lost herself, because she was always focused on pleasing everyone else and not herself so she doesnt know who she is anymore. So she asked me that we could take a break and just be friends. But then i suggested that we stay together but i just give her some space. She agreed but She said she needed to push everyone out of her life to find out who she is, but she hung out with her friends even more frequently than when we were dating. So that really confused me.

    At her friend's social gathering, one of her friends made a move on her and she punched him in the nose and made him bleed. It scared me that the event of her cheating on me could have occurred, but i learned to be fine with it because it didnt happen. (this was before our break)

    And now, she says that we need to take a break so that we can both mature. She said she is doing it for us and to save our relationship. Im very grateful that she wants to fix everything, but i cant stand to be without her. And when i asked her if i could lose her during this break she said "I don't know. People can change and the feelings too." Her estimate is that we take a break of 2 months I just don't know how i should take this, is this a way that shes trying to break up with me or will this break help?

32. Kim says —
    (On February 18th, 2009 at 7:52 am)

    am 25 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We get along great, we spend all of out time together. We have been living separate because we both own our own homes.

    I am ready to move in together, I think after 2 1/2 years with a person you know if you want to be with that person for the long term. Up to this point he keeps saying that it's a big step and he's not ready for it. I've pretty much been living with him, I hadn't staying at my place in over 3 months. All of my stuff is at his place, but I still feel like I am in Limbo, he doesn't know when he will be ready to live together, get married or have kids. I feel like I have been very patient but I decided on the weekend that i cannot stay with him unless he decides what he wants. I don't' want every step in our relationship to be a fight (living together, marriage, kids ect). I am not pushing him into marriage or kids but I need to know if we have the same plans for our future.

    I told him 3 days ago that he needs to take some time to figure out what he wants. I've moved most of my stuff out of his house and we've only talked on the phone. I've been miserable because I love him so much and I'm afraid that he still won't know what he wants. I know I can't stay with him if he doesn't decide what he wants. But I feel so lost without him, I miss having supper with him, going to bed together and watching tv, and just talking about our day. I've never been in a relationship that I wanted to be long term and i'm afraid I'm about to lose it.

    I'm trying to be strong, but I had a couple weak moments and called him. Last night he didn't call me to say good night so I called him in the morning to see why he didn't call. I'm afraid that this break is going to make us drift apart. I know I shouldn't have called, he said it was because he thought I wanted space and he was giving it to me. But I don't want space, I just want to give him some time to figure out what he wants.

    I'm not sure what my question to you is. But any advise on my situation would be very helpful.

33. janet says —
    (On April 19th, 2009 at 12:06 pm)

    me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years.He is amazing and I am great,everyone says their world will be ruined if we broke up.But last night after a friends wedding we listed all the things we don't like about each other in front of a friend,first as a joke now…I can't forget it, he said i was pathetic and insulted me worst by saying I'll never be the artist i thought i will be( because I seem never committed to anything anymore).Since I have been with him he has grown so much career wise and emotionally..I have stopped; all of my creativity seems gone,work is just a job,my friends are not around and i frequently picture myself as a tapeworm living inside him.And I cant imagine being without him but then again I want to be alive.

34. Liz says —
    (On April 20th, 2009 at 10:13 am)

    My steady and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We got together after he divorced his wife. He said he wouldn't have let the relationship continue as it has unless he was serious about us having a future – marriage – together. And he says that and then says but we'd better wait until two of the children graduate, at least another 2 years. (We live seperately). Meanwhile, I have recovered from the death of my husband, but he has not learned anything from the death of his first marriage. He asked for a break to get his act together. He gave me no deadline, said he would not date others, but didn't ask that of me, and told me he loved me. I believe he does. When I asked what he wanted from me, he said time. I am giving him time. But how much 'time' is reasonable? I don't want to be played for a fool, waiting for something that isn't going to happen.

35. Peter says —
    (On April 23rd, 2009 at 8:14 am)

    Hi everyone, Ive been reading and i have my own little situation, wondering if anyone can give me some helpful advice.

    My long distance girlfriend of 10 months (Love at first sight) has been incredibly stressed with all sorts of problems and ive been stressed with uni work. It got to a frenzy of stress and sleepless nights and the stupid thing is that there isnt really a huge problem between us, the stress is coming from (Mostly) else where.

    So, she says she loves me and i mean the world to her. She wants to take a few days to clear her head and that we are together but temporarily single (On a break) she said shes not gonna go run off with anyone else cause she wouldnt do that and she just needs to think things through.

    Im heartbroken cause i never want to lose her. Does a having a break end it a break up?

    What can i do to convince her that we are (And we really are) a fantastic couple and that she should stay with me?

    Peter

36. Liz says —
    (On April 23rd, 2009 at 8:21 am)

    You know, work is a huge stressor. And not enough sleep is as well. I think maybe give her a few days – set a deadline – and ground rules – we are physically seperated, but not emotionally (therefore still a couple). I know the time apart can be spent concentrating on the things that need attention – work – and then she isn't feeling guilty nor are you for concentrating on work. This does need to be temporary, but can work.

    Good luck,
    Liz

37. Peter says —
    (On April 23rd, 2009 at 9:37 am)

    Well we have talked and it seemed a weird situation… She told me that she wants to feel being single so she feels the longing and painful feeling telling her to run back into my arms. Because shes confused at the mo (about lots of things) she needs to feel it rather than think it… She said shes almost certain she will…. Should i relax and wait?

38. Abigail says —
    (On May 19th, 2009 at 3:41 am)

    All along i felt i was the only who has got a relationship. My boyfriend of two months says heloves me but can not promise me marriage. he says talking about marriage makes him feel like dying. What does he mean? He once said that he does not want to get married but i feeli can change his mind. Three sisters after him are all married. Should i try all leave the relationship. Though we have known eachother for just two months i feellike i have known him for years because i have grown to love him so much. Please help me

39. brownny says —
    (On May 19th, 2009 at 4:15 am)

    All along i felt i was the only who has got a relationship problem. My boyfriend of two months says heloves me but can not promise me marriage. he says talking about marriage makes him feel like dying. What does he mean? He once said that he does not want to get married but i feeli can change his mind. Three sisters after him are all married. Should i try all leave the relationship. Though we have known eachother for just two months i feellike i have known him for years because i have grown to love him so much. Please help me because i am so confused.

40. Abigail says —
    (On May 19th, 2009 at 4:22 am)

    very sorry about the repeatetion. A friend was teasing me and she typed her name and posted it again. She is brownny. She is asking me not to spend a day more in the relationship. I need advice from others too

41. Jr says —
    (On May 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 pm)

    Hey I have been goin out with my girlfriend for about a year and a half and we recently broke up for about a month already. We had many issues and fights while weren't going out, and now she's telling us that we should have a break. It's all cool to me because its true we do need a break but at the same time she ALWAYS calls me, and wants to hang out for a lil. I do not know what to do because I love her and I enjoy being with her, but at the same time I want to give her, her own space. I am really confused.

42. Jr says —
    (On May 23rd, 2009 at 11:56 pm)

    This goes with the my topic above aswell lol… What should I do ignore her calls? and cut her off? I really dont know what to do…

43. Brittany says —
    (On June 18th, 2009 at 3:36 pm)

    I have been reading this blog for so long trying to figure out what I should do. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. I love him so much and until just recently thought he was one of the sweetest guys I knew. He is the perfect guy we talk to each other almost all the time, he is completly unselfish, and really cares about me. Him and I have talked about marriage anbeing together in the long run, and thats really what I want. The last month our relationship has gotten a little stretched but nothing major that would effect my feelings for him, nor his to me.

    All through out our relationship he has had problems trusting me. I have never cheated on him and never expressed anything short of absolute love and devoution to him. But he wasn't treated the best with his other girlfriends so because he views me as so attractive he is constantly scared that I will leave him. I have stopped talking/texting/hanging out with any of my guy friends because I want our relationship to work. So far there has been two insidents in which I expressed a want to hang with some of my guy friends one on one and just chill, and he freaked out and got mad at me. This makes me really nervous that he is controlling.

    I just moved about two hours away for the summer to be with my family, and in the Fall I will be an hour away from him. When I was moving I had one of my guy friends help me that had just recently come back into my life. I love my boyfriend so much, but I'm at a point in my life where I would like to date other people to make sure that my boyfriend really is the one for me.

    We are both young, and start college in the Fall, but our plans with each other for the long run don't even begin until after college. I didn't date very many people in High School because of a long relationship that lasted for two years. So I've only ever really been single for about 2 months. I feel like I'm missing out on a huge part of the college experience, but I don't want to lose him. I just want to make sure that things between us are true and that we would last in the long run.

    Ever since I moved I have been talking to my guy friend through text and call, which is something I have never done in a relationship, because I never wanted to make my boyfriends mad. The person that I have been talking to recently, I had a crush on two years ago while I was in a nasty relationship. So I was surprised when being with the person that I love and adore that I still have feelings for this person. I feel like a horrible person because I let myself like this person again.

    I'm scared to go into a break because I don't want to destroy the relationship I have now, when I'm not sure if the person who I am begining to fall in love with, if our relationship would be better. I am more nervous that he is controlling and that I am going to through whats supposed to be the best years of my life down the drain. I know that if tell him that I think that we should go on a break that he would be devestated, and I really don't want that.

    I am so confused… Any advice would be so helpful.

    Signed,
    Young confused and in love?

44. Brittany says —
    (On June 18th, 2009 at 3:36 pm)

    I'm sorry that should of said and year and a half.

45. Peter says —
    (On June 18th, 2009 at 3:42 pm)

    You want to date other people so you know what you feel with your guy?

    Thats not on Brittany, You really should know if hes the guy you want to be with.

    My little story above described the situation that i was in. As an update it didnt work out and i ended the relationship this week becuase she didnt want to fight to keep me or put in any effort to see me.

    I can understand why he gets moody about you wanting "1 on 1 time" with another guy if hes been messed about in the past… I was… and i wouldnt appreciate it if the girl i was with wanted time alone with another guy… Please correct me if im wrong but dating others to see if you still want to be with your fella isnt the way to go… Its cheating really..

46. brittany says —
    (On June 18th, 2009 at 4:54 pm)

    im sorry, when I meant one on one time I meant like I couldn't go hang out woth boys id known for three years and go get lunch with them. But I posted this on here from the advice of my best friend and through further reading of it through the guys side I've realized that I can't do that. Most of the guy centered blogs refered to those girls as sluts and I know that I could never actually do anything physical with any one other than my boyfriend. Im going tomorrow to talk to him about everything, and hope that he can forgive me. I didn't want to develope feelings for this guy again it just happened and I hate myself for it. Thank you so much for your opinion the only people that I've talked to this about are the other guy and my bff who's fairly crazy. I don't want to be like those girls on the other blogs im just confused and thought that taking a break was supposed to help out, but I see now it isn't thank you so much!

47. Peter says —
    (On June 18th, 2009 at 5:00 pm)

    Its always good to have someone elses opinion who doesnt know the in depth stuff who can just give their first opinions…

    I wrote here just to get stuff off my chest because i had already bored my family with it all lol

    I hope everything turns out ok, i hope you can do the right thing for yourself and the route which will make you happiest in the long run.

    I personally feel that a break happens because there is something quite wrong with the routine you are in. With me it was the distance, 400 miles and being with a girl who couldnt/wouldnt give me any of her time.

    I hope you manage to sort things out and just remember that you are the most important person in your life, its not nice to hear it but guys will and do come and go. Do what is best for you.

    Let me know how it goes
    Peter x

48. angel says —
    (On June 19th, 2009 at 2:25 pm)

    I have been in a long distance relationship for a year now. Everything has been great between us and our relationship is strong, but we are discussing me relocating to his state in a year. I'm divorced with children. My ex-husband has been a great father and the problem that we can't seem to resolve is relocating my children to another state which will take away from their happiness.(they won't see their father as often) I'm confused and now with the separation, I'm hurt and uncertain about our future together. My boyfriend and I are taking a break to think about things. Is there hope for us??? Can this be resolved?

49. Kaylee says —
    (On July 6th, 2009 at 9:20 pm)

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two and a half years. Our whole realtionship weve been so happy together and he's been so nice and sweet. he would walk to my house everyday. on my birthday he walked to my house on top of a huge hill with a birthday cake in one hand and my present in the other. We've been so happy until a month after our two years together he cheated on me. it was just a kiss but it still hurt. i broke up with him and he did everything to get me back. he'd call me nonstop and wait outside my house for me to talk to him. finally i gave in and told him we'd talk….i then found out he was talkin to another girl at the same time he was trying to fix things with me. i talked to him about that and he said he wanted to know if he could b happy with someone else. he said he was happy with that other girl but the whole time he kept thinkin about me….he says he loves me and wants to marry me someday but says he isnt ready for a girlfriend. he says he doesnt want me or anyone other girl as a gf and he jus wants to work on his car and be around his friedns. but he also says he wants to stay friends because he still loves me and still wants to marry me one day….i dnt know what to do…i love him so much but at the same time i dnt want to wait for him and waste my time waiting if i dnt know how this will end. i tried getting over him and not talkin to him for a month but i cried everyday and misssed him soo much. rite now he says im his gf but he still would rather spend eveery second of his time with his friends than spend one day alone with me…..i dnt noe what to do.

50. Peter says —
    (On July 7th, 2009 at 5:39 am)

    You see what he is doing right? He loves you and does want a future with you just not right now, he wants to keep you close by becuase he doesnt want to lose you becuase that would mean he would be alone and he doesnt want you 100% because it must be "Getting in the way" of the whole mates thing.

    In my opinion, If he wants to spend more time on his car and with his mates then let him. But let him know that you will not wait around for him. He will soon decide which of the things in his life mean the most to him. IF he chooses this other girl or his other interests then im sorry hun but he has made his choice and you both have to live with it, you have to cut contact or he will do everything he can to keep you close by.

    He sounds nice, he sounds a little bit like me. But i would never text another girl with the way you are making it sound like he is. You need answers, you need to know who this other girl is… if he truely wants you as his girl… for life… or whether his car and mates are more important than you.

    Last thing, I know cheating hurts, trust me i do, but a kiss can be forgiven. Try to get some answers and find out where you are in his life. That will give you a good idea of what you need to do with yours. If you need to you can get over him, im 2 months into my break up and im finally happy again.

    Please let me know how it goes
    Peter xx

51. damien says —
    (On July 16th, 2009 at 3:19 am)

    I have been going out with my girlfriend for a little over 2.5 years and yesterday she told me that she needed a break, well both of us needed a break. She cites the reason for our breaking up down to the fact that I cannot seem to deal with issues in my personal life well and that when there is a problem, I tend to take it out on her. She says that I get into a mood and react badly towards her for things that other people do to me, in other words she was my punching bag!

    I have been going through a lot over the last years and a half, and granted I have not really been able to deal with those issues like a man, instead I used to complain and so, but that is all over now and I have accepted things for what they are worth and have stepped up as a man. But she still believes that I will always deal with things in that manner, and says she cannot see a future with a man like that.

    I have changed I really have, but she hasn't seen it yet. This woman is the love of my life and I know she loves me, but I make it hard for her to be with me. What do I to help myself and in turn to help get her back in my life because I am beyond hurting without her in my life, she is my everything? Any help please anyone?

52. Peter says —
    (On July 16th, 2009 at 5:55 am)

    I hope punching bag isnt literal…

    If you know you have changed and the love is still there then fight for her. Has she said she doesnt want you?? Only that your making it hard for her… Then make it easier… Dont treat her like that and deal with YOUR own stuff YOUR own way. Partners always need to be there when you have problems but they aren't there to take it out on.

    I always think its a good thing if it has broken becuase of something you can fix, Fix it, and then fight your hardest for her back… she will notice…

    I hope i helped a little
    Peter

53. Damien says —
    (On July 16th, 2009 at 8:58 am)

    No Peter, punching bag was not literal at all, lol!

    At this point I do not know what to do, and the thing thats killing me at the momment is that, what if in trying to sort myself out, she finds someone else? I have never felt like this about anyone and can safely say never again!

    To answer you question, she never said that she does not want me anymore, only that it is hard to be with someone who doesn't deal with their problems without taking them out on her. I now finally understand what she means, but I don't know what to do to better myself? Thanks for your help anyway Peter! God bless you!

54. Peter says —
    (On July 16th, 2009 at 10:02 am)

    Sounds like you should trust her to wait for you, If you tell her that you are working on it then there isnt any reason for her to run off to someone else, shes saying its hard… but not impossible.. Keep your chin up mate, Things can ALWAYS be fixed and if nothing huge has happened then you can work on it. Plus with two and a half years behind you you two should be quite strong.

    I wouldnt worry at all mate, it'l only confuse you and make it harder to clear your mind. I know it sounds cheesy but things do sort out if they are supposed to…

    So you want to better yourself, What are the things you are taking out on her?? Work?? Family stuff??

    Peter

55. Damien says —
    (On July 16th, 2009 at 11:53 am)

    Family issues, and frustration at not being able to progress my life are issues that are troubling me. I understand her point of view but dont know what to do to better myself right now. I am desperate to solve these things but I understand that I cannot do them with another person with needs in my life at the moment. I just feel helpless without her! what do you suggest I do?

56. Serena says —
    (On August 5th, 2009 at 7:00 am)

    I'm currently on a break with my man. We had a convosation about it about a week ago now and he has nominated the break and wanted it to be for 4 weeks in total and then he indicated that we'd get together and discuss everything. The reason why he wanted the break initally was because i had been sooo reliant on him and whether i was sad or happy, everything i did was for him.. i went through depression recently and the issues that i had put onto him has indeed been overwhelming. So he asked for a break so that i can stand on my feet and progress and find more "networks" to help me with the situation, he told me that he's not forgetting me and that it's not a way of moving on, and that he loved me at the end of the convosation and that i'd see it's a very loving thing that he's doing for me and i'll grown to know how much i've changed.
    can someone please let me know what their opinions on this is please? He's a great guy and i'm soo afraid to loose him.
    i think about it everyday and wake up to the thought.

57. Peter says —
    (On August 5th, 2009 at 7:15 am)

    Hey Serena,

    I know where you are coming from, I went through the depression thing too and was up and down to the docs all the time, Sounds to me like he really does love you and he is doing it to help you and you two as a couple. Trust in him and try to see that by doing this you can be stronger on your own and you aren't so dependant on him to make you happy. 4 weeks is a long time but hes not going to forget about you if hes telling you the reasons for the break.

    This can be a really good thing for you two.

    Try not to think about it as a moving on or him trying to get away, Just use the time to find yourself. I hope this helped. Let me know what happens

    Peter
    x

58. Wolffy says —
    (On August 15th, 2009 at 10:57 pm)

    My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 3 months now…Thursday he suggested that we take a break since school is starting for me and it will be my last year, which is important and he will be going to tech school to finish what he started. He told me that we have to see how we can handle not talking for a good amount of days because we might end up splitting because of lack of time together. I cried on the phone when he told me and my heart was just tearing apart. He said he wants to see if our feelings are still the same by the first day of school and to see if I really did love him. He text me everday to see how i'm doing and on the first day of the break he admitted to wanting to call the break off but decided to try since i was willing to try. Right now I feel fine, but inside I am really scared that this indicates an end to our relationship. He said that he doesn't want to break up with me because he loves me and he doesn't want to go overseas because he doesn't want to leave his baby(me) behind…I love him and he loves me, but if I can last two days without calling him, I should be able to handle school and him. I am tempting to tell him that I want to end the break because i'm really scared right now and it's giving me a really bad feeling. I don't want to do this break anymore, I feel guilty that I am doing just fine and he's doing just okay. I shouldn't worry because his word is true, but still he might think if im doing okay, I may not want to be in this relationship anymore and it will kill me literally if we end…

59. Mike says —
    (On August 20th, 2009 at 8:30 am)

    Hi Everyone..I certainly need some help.

    My fiance (22) and I (26) have been dating for over 5 years now. Our relationship started as a long distance relationship and then progressed to living together very quickly. Even though we have had our ups and downs along the way, the love we share for one another is genuine and very strong.

    Recently, she told me that she felt trapped and needed some freedom. She said she felt too settled and too comfortable for this point in her life. She has never lived on her own and she felt that was important to do. At this point, we started to see a counselor to help us with our issues (3 weeks ago.) My fiance insisted on getting her own apartment so that she could feel like she had something "of her own" and her own space.

    We moved her out last weekend, which was the hardest thing I have ever done. This past week was horrible and felt so awkward because neither of us knew how to act, how much to talk, etc. We met with our counselor last night again and we each expressed our feelings. I said that I wanted to know if she was committed to our relationship and if so, we could make this new arrangement work. She said she was confused and loved me, but felt like she needed her own space and time. She said she could not imagine being without me but yet, needs to just be "her" for a while. So the counselor suggested we take a couple weeks off from talking and clear our heads. Today is the first day and WOW…it's horrible. I feel like I have lost everything that is important to me. My gf, bestfriend, everything. I don't know how this can help but I am hoping it will.

    If anyone has been here, I would appreciate hearing from you.

60. molly says —
    (On August 20th, 2009 at 4:45 pm)

    been in a relationship for 4 years. took a year off….but still saw each other everyday day at work. have a wedding planned in 7 months. have had it booked for 6 months. but he can't seem to propose. he is terrified. has had a bad experience with marriage, as well as bad role models. says he loves me and life is better with me than without me. was ready to walk out the door. told him he could have a few weeks to propose because he wants to, not out of fear of me leaving. now he is saying that he is scared because we were arguing a lot 5 months ago. this has tapered off. but there were some very stressful health issues going on with both his family and mine. as well as changed living situations. i was unable to trust him, cause scared he couldnt commit, and feel i have ruined things by being so insecure. i now know i need to trust in him and not pressure. but it might be too late. help. really struggling. one week left.

61. Andrea says —
    (On August 22nd, 2009 at 5:19 pm)

    Hi everyone,

    I had been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. The first two were great, then we started to have some problems. There's a difference in religion which worried me, but I'm okay with it now. That caused a lot of stress in our relationship. I also had several family members pass this summer. He had never really had to deal with death before, so he didn't know how to comfort me. But, eventually, that seemed to make us stronger too. Two weeks ago, I went to visit him (we're long distance) and everything was great. We seemed the best ever. He told me he was the happiest he had been in his adult life and that he wanted to marry me. A week ago, he called me at 4am. He was very drunk. He told me that he had been attacked by a guy at the bar he was at. When he defended himself, cops came from everywhere and tackled, maced, and handcuffed him. He was with three of his female coworkers who were all crying and scared for him but the cops let him go when the realized the fight wasn't his fault. After the cops let him go, one of his coworkers kissed him and he kissed her back. He doesn't have feelings for this woman. He called me and told me what happened right afterwards, while she was still standing there. I was devastated hearing this. I never thought he would do anything like that. But when I thought about it, I realized that it was in large part due to the circumstances. He was traumatized. He felt so guilty for what he had done. I was ready to move on when he told me that he thought we should break up. That he couldn't have done something so horrible if he really loved me. I told him that was ridiculous logic and reminded him of the week we had just spent together. He said that he hadn't really wanted to break up with me, but that he wanted to take a break to figure out who he was and how not to be so dependent on me. He wants a month. A month feels impossible to me. We would normally talk several times a day. And I'm afraid that he is so traumatized by what happened to him that he won't be thinking clearly. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me before all of this happened. I don't want to lose that. How do I make it through this month?

62. Andrea says —
    (On August 22nd, 2009 at 5:22 pm)

    Just to clarify. He said he'd initially wanted to ask for a break to figure out who he was, but he didn't ask for it at first because he thought that I would just break up with him if he did. In the end, I agreed to the break.

63. Peter says —
    (On August 23rd, 2009 at 7:43 am)

    I see why you are confused, He says he wants to marry you then asks for a break so he can find himself…

    Firstly you are right to throw off the kiss, It doesnt sound like anything to worry about, and he rung you while she was there… seeems the right thing for him to have done and not many guys would have, So that should be forgotten about in my opinion.

    The break up is more of the issue right? Long distance is hard, Ive been engaged to twice and they were both long distance, but it seems like you make it work by talking a couple of times a day, which is important. I think this is the reason why you find the idea of a whole month pretty much a nightmare… He wouldnt have asked for the break if he didnt think it would help…. He may need to "find himself" … which ive heard twice and personally dont understand as im quite a secure person… but if he does you have to give him that space to do it, If all goes well he will miss you and realise what he has and not want to lose it too… As for making the month better…

    When it happened to me I broke down, I was up the docs a couple of times a week for depression and my head was a mess.. I was physically ill. After a month he will be thinking clearly and he can make a desision but it doesnt mean you should wait around for the answer, You should do the same as him, make yourself less dependant on him… Enjoy yourself, Do what im doing now… find happiness without the person… only then can you be truely happy with someone.

    Im no expert but ive just been through this.. I hope I helped a little.

    Peter x

64. Jellybeene says —
    (On August 23rd, 2009 at 9:53 pm)

    I adore my partner and have always been made to feel adored in return. Lately our lives have undergone some changes. We moved to a regional area away from the big city and his four year old daughter came to live with us.

    He has been absent from her life for some time (not by choice, I must add) and was looking forward to being her full time guardian. We moved to that area to be close to his mother so he had support and child care when needed but it has opened up a whole new can of worms with all of their unresolved issues coming to the forefront. The relationship between he and his mother has become strained, his daughter is out of control and needs settling and to make matters worse her mother (his ex) is causing him a great deal of pain.

    He was with his ex for ten years and in that time she made him feel completely unworthy of love and happiness. I realised early on in our relationship and had almost gotten him to a point where he was starting to realise his own worth and value as a partner, a father and as a human being.

    Now, being so close to his mother and having the mother of his daughter on his case has opened up old wounds. It culminated in him picking me up from work in tears and saying he didn't deserve me or his daughter and that he may as well die. He told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him but that he couldn't cope with everything all at once and that something had to give. He assured me of his love, saying it was a question of having too many different people that he had to give himself to. He needed time apart, so he could focus on healing himself and re-forging bonds with his daughter. He didn't want to break up, he just wanted space ie; long distance for the next ten or twelve weeks. He says he wants to marry me and that we'll all be a family again by Christmas but for now, he has to focus on himself and his daughter.

    I completely understand this. And I have always known that his daughter comes first. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am angry that after moving eight hours away from my friends and family, giving up my job and my activities that this had to happen. I now have no job and nowhere to go.

    I do not doubt his love for a second. And I understand the demands and pressures on him at the moment. I am willing to give him the 'space' he desires, but I am scared that his feelings for me will fade. He said he is worried the same thing will happen to me.

    I would love some advice on how we can maintain our bond over the next few months without him feeling like I am crowding him and adding something extra to his burden on top of what he already has to worry about.

    -Jelly-

65. Andrea says —
    (On August 24th, 2009 at 9:06 am)

    Thanks, Peter. That was helpful. I'll post again when the month is up to let you know what happened.

66. Jessica says —
    (On August 31st, 2009 at 4:26 pm)

    i've been with my boyfriend for 2 and half years now, but this year at the end of march he cheated on me.
    but its not just a simple matter of cheating, he had untreated depression at the time, so bad that he'd tried to kill himself a week before he cheated. he also had untreated ADD. and the cheating wasn't planned, this girl just asked him when they were together and he said yes. and he lost his virginity to her. he started to have sex with her but stopped it.
    i didnt want to break up because i really loved him, but i was and am still really hurt and neither of us understand how he could do that.
    the thing i'm asking about is that lately i'm not sure if i'm in love with him anymore. i want to be, but i just don't feel that amazing feeling i used to have when i was in love.
    and i've been thinking about taking a break, so maybe i would miss him and appreciate him and our relationship.
    idk, i feel like i have a lot of walls up with him now and i'm just never satisfied with him.
    but i want to be, i want us to be happy again.

    what do you think?

67. Peter says —
    (On August 31st, 2009 at 5:47 pm)

    I can only imagine what that did to you, One side of me says that once a cheat, Always one… I didnt take back my fiance after she cheated because I knew it could happen again and I wouldnt put myself through that. A break, Im my opinion, is used if there is a problem in the relationship which can be fixed with a bit of breathing space.

    Do you think having a break will help you decide if you do love him and still want to make it work?

    I do know what you feel about losing that love, You want to feel it but you just dont.. Its not a bad thing because you've been hurt by him, Badly. However I think you do need to decide if its worth it. In my opinion, Never take back a cheat… I didnt and its the best decision ive ever made and I dont think the trust can Ever be made back. If you think you can forgive and forget(ish) and you think you will find out once and for all after a break, then give it a go… If you dont think that love will come back or the cheating was too much damage then a break is only delaying the inevitable.

    Ill always be honest,
    Peter
    thorp001@hotmail.co.uk

68. Jessica says —
    (On August 31st, 2009 at 7:41 pm)

    thank you
    the thing is, the situation and reasoning for cheating was so complicated, its hard to know what to do with it. it happened mostly because of his depression, he said he thinks it was like he was looking for a reason to kill himself, and doing that would be a reason. so its more his own personal issue that could have been anything and should have been separate from our relationship, but because of what it was it became our issue and my issue.
    he's really not the type of person to cheat, and i know that sounds stupid saying that after he has, but he's not.
    i believe he would never cheat on me again, but i'm still scared to let him back in again you know? i really let myself put my heart into our relationship and believe in it before and i don't know how to do that again.
    and what does it mean to forgive him for what he did? i don't even know if i have forgiven him or not.
    and i was thinking of the break too because lately i've been really critical of him, just picking at and being bothered by anything wrong. its like i'm not letting myself be happy with him. so i was thinking with a break i could stop doing that and appreciate him again, because i know i'm making it hard on both of us by doing that.

69. Peter says —
    (On September 1st, 2009 at 5:34 am)

    Or… You are now realising that, because the love has gone, there are things which are not right about him and/or you. Love blinds you, Now that its gone maybe you are picking up on things that you dont like now that you can see clearly.

    Its not really a case of "Hes not the kind of guy to cheat", Because he has. Suicide and mental health is a tricky situation and im no expert in it… Sounds to me like you are now realising that there are problems or things missing?

70. Byron says —
    (On September 12th, 2009 at 9:55 am)

    Well, this is a crowd I'd never thought I'd be joining and really, I'm not sure I have nothing new to contribute, a lot of these stories sound like mine. But I've always found it helpful to speak whats on my mind with friends and with people who understand so here goes.

    I'm 29, a college grad, had lived on my own in a condo for 5 years when I met Sara in April of 2008. She's was 23 (now 24) at the time…beautiful, sexy and full of energy…and she immediately channeled all of that energy towards me. I got swept up in the attention and we quickly advanced our relationship. After a couple weeks we were spending every minute together we could. After a couple months I was pretty much living at her apartment. After 3 months, we were engaged.

    Phew. Way too fast, obviously, in retrospect. But it just seemed magical and right. I had never before felt love like this for a girl. She is very attractive and flirty and has lots of guy friends but because she doted so much on me, it was never really an issue. We talked about our wedding, our future…everything seemed to be falling into place. When people mentioned that maybe we were spending too much time together (including myself), she brushed it off and said who is anybody else to say how much time we spend with each other is right or wrong.

    I treated her like my princess and spoiled her at every turn. She's an easily stressed out girl and with a full-time job and college, I basically took it towards myself to make it as easy as possible for her to live life without worrying about "things". Even after getting engaged, I wrote her love letters and got her flowers and gifts every so often out of the blue so she knew I wasn't going to let my love die. I cooked all the meals (I do like to cook), did probably more than my fair share of the chores, helped her with college homework and tests, always tried to surprise her with my attentiveness and willingness to listen and in general, cut myself off from other aspects of my life to make her priority #1. And she reciprocated by continuing to spend every moment she could with me.

    I can now see this in retrospect as the beginning of a very co-dependent relationship. Things started to turn south when she moved in with me. I figured we'd basically been living at her place full-time, so what was the big deal. I owned my place too so it made fiscal sense with a wedding coming up to have her move in here. I certainly didn't force her. But space began to be an issue. She also felt depressed that this wasn't her place. She's at heart a very independent girl and even though we remodeled together, this wasn't her home.

    Then she began wanting to go out more without me, to hang out with her guy friends. I'll admit, my co-dependency caused this to be a problem bigger than it should have been. But after always saying she wished she could spend even more time with me…to go from that to "I need to go hang out with my guy friends, and I need to do it alone", freaked me out. I felt like the 6-months of in-love bliss was wearing off already and now she was purposely going out without me. My mind wandered and I confronted her. We had a fight and she ended the engagement.

    However, we didn't end the relationship and still wanted things to work. So over the course of this year…things had been going fairly good. I worked hard on my co-dependency, going to therapy and let her breath a lot more. She worked on some anger issues she's had in therapy. She has a habit of asking me to help her with things, like schoolwork, running errands and such and when I couldn't always fulfill them, she would get pissed and I think somehow view me as less of a man because I couldn't help. (I will also say as an aside, she grew up without a father, was sexually-abused by her step-grandfather when she was 13 and had moved out and was living on her own by age 17. She claims none of this has anything to do with how she is now but I just find that hard to believe). We took a vacation to Florida and we've been best friends…but it's gotten to the point where we've only been occasional lovers. The spark is gone on her side and even after therapy she wouldn't even let me take her on dates or try to do anything romantic to spark things back up. It's like she had given up.

    And since I am such a "giver" personality, even through that, I've continued to be there for her, though moderating it a bit with time for myself. I really think she's having a hard time with guilt while living with me, in that she sees me give 100% of my love to her and she's not in a state where she can reciprocate. She's asked to sleep in different rooms, tries to avoid being around me, doesn't call or text me like she always used to (even as little as two weeks ago). She basically doesn't try to initiate social conversation with me either. I told her I was deeply hurt, that besides being her partner she's always claimed I was her best friend and cared for me so much, and this seemed like something you wouldn't do to that person.

    So…she then said she was moving out next month. Again, I was hurt even more. But I've come around to it and even suggested we take a break even though it's the hardest thing I could do. Part of me thinks I should just make a clean break and move on from a hopeless situation so I don't have to have it on my mind anymore. But the other part of me cannot give up on her because I really believed she was the one. She acts carefree about what kind of relationship we have now and independent and doesn't want help moving out but I can also sense the apprehension for her because she told me I was the perfect man and that she feels like she's risking a lot by maybe losing me, but she has to so she can find herself again.

    I'm not over it at all and the break, however long it lasts is going to be very hard. But I have great friends and have come around to the thinking that if it was meant to be, then things will workout somehow even if it isn't clear now. And if she decides her heart just isn't in it after taking some time to re-examine her own self, then it clearly was not meant to be.

71. Peter says —
    (On September 12th, 2009 at 3:07 pm)

    I know you havn't asked for any answers but I thought id add to what you have written. You seem to have a strong head, Alot stronger than mine ever was. You have the strength to hold up your hands and say "You know what, Ive done my part and Ive treated her like a princess, But maybe its not meant to be", I wish I was more like that.

    I think you are doing the right thing by taking a step back from it and you should spend more time with friends (Which sound like the kind of friends you need at the mo).

    Im very much like you and I treated my other half like a princess too, Infact "Little Princess" was my nickname for her. Whatever way it goes I wish you the best of luck, Hopefully someday I can be as strong as you.

    thorp001@hotmail.co.uk
    Peter

72. Byron says —
    (On September 13th, 2009 at 7:20 am)

    Thanks for the kind words Peter, I've appreciated your commentary throughout this thread. It's easy to sound strong but a lot harder to be strong, I don't need to tell you that!

    I look at it like this…I was a happy, independent guy before she came into my life and turned it upside down. Yes, when we were head-over-heels in love, I was even happier. But now that she is leaving me (for a while or for good I do not know), I can get back to being my old happy self. Watching sports at the bar with my buddies. Doing projects to fix up the house. I've got my one truly loyal girl, my husky Yuki to keep me company when I'm alone. I can blast some loud, obnoxious, upbeat music. I'm gonna do some volunteer work.

    I think girls are raised in this society to expect a man to be certain things. I think Sara is a girl who has self-esteem issues. She constantly is dressing up and trying to be the center of attention and yet she knows she has flaws. That I still love her unconditionally I think on some level baffles her, she doesn't understand why and I think respects me less because on some level she wouldn't stay with her if she were in my shoes. Her ego gets no thrill or passion anymore out of me because I'm not something she has to chase or work for. My devotion and chivalry is what set me apart and won her over but at the same time, it's what has caused her to retract and become bored.

    The question is whether that is how she is wired or whether she is just immature emotionally on some level at this point. She obviously wasn't ready for a settled life. How long does one wait though? I firmly believe that although she will enjoy living alone again, that she is going to miss me in her life a lot more than she thinks once she's had a couple months to stay out late and be "free" again. And then maybe, just maybe we will be able to have the type of relationship with each other that we want…smarter and better equipped to deal with the long-term effects than before.

73. Byron says —
    (On September 13th, 2009 at 7:33 am)

    One more note…I believe this is true in my case and probably in a lot of cases I have read here. A little tidbit that may help some dealing with these issues…

    My fiance/girlfriend is choosing to leave me. But I'm the one more ready emotionally to be alone and deal with the situation.

    Think about that. She's not running because I'm the problem. She's running because she's got problems. Problems which I have tried and offered to help without throughout our relationship but ones which she has decided she must confront on her own.

    So don't get down on yourselves. I think it's a huge ego-destroyer for a man to think that the love of your life is leaving, that somehow he did not provide or live up to expectations. But know that ultimately you are not to blame, that you fought the good fight and chose to love and forgive and work your ass off for what you believed in. And there's no better measure of a man than that.

74. Peter says —
    (On September 13th, 2009 at 9:52 am)

    I see what you mean and you are right, In the same cases as you, men shouldn't feel bad about the way they have been because lots of them have worked their arses off. Like I did. But I beat myself up about it and even now after… well 4-5?? months since I posted on here about my relationship problems, Im still in no place to even date let alone think about a future with anyone else but her. I envy you slightly because im the same as you in lots of aspects but I lack the strength to turn round and say… "You know what **** it… I dont deserve this"

    Sounds to me like you are happy and secure without her and if she has caused enough pain and stress to force you to tell strangers just to let off some steam… then maybe she isnt worth the hassle. Either way, Thank you.

    Peter

75. Peter says —
    (On September 13th, 2009 at 9:56 am)

    Also to add,

    Its interesting what you said about maturity. Giving her everything and treating her as best as you could, in some way has confused her because she wouldnt do it for her. Confusion may have led her to act differently… To push you away?

    Im trying to compare it to things ive been through and girls are brought up thinking that this MAN has to the the "Man in shining armour" …And we can do it…. But dont then get shocked and worried when we offer you everything….

76. JC says —
    (On September 25th, 2009 at 10:37 am)

    Hi, my girlfriend and i have been seeing each other for 5 months so far. everything was great, we were together every day, and when we weren't we both missed each other and needed each other more and more. now last friday (9/18/09) she decided to take a break from me. i was shocked cause it came out of no where. we litterally loved being together and doing everything together she never showed any signs of wanting this, i mean even the previous night we were together till 1am and when i said i had to leave she would just grab my arm harder and say no you cannot go, then after about 15 min of hugging and kissing goodbye, she texts me and says i miss you. now the next morning this? i was so confused and heart broken. it only lasted till saturday night. we met up again and everything seemed back to normal. she was very upset and kept telling me how sorry she was. so sunday we spent the whole day together. i asked if she wanted to talk about it and why she said she was confused and needed the break. she didnt want to talk yet she was still upset. so we spent the entire day. monday comes around. i was working 8-4, went to her house at 4 and we sat around. the day was slow, we both wernt doing anything, just enjoying eachothers company. so later that night she wants to talk, she said she felt smothered and needed some time away,she also said that when we were together i would always give her butterflies and now they are gone and she didnt want to loose the feeling. so she said that she thought a week away would make her miss me more and when we met again it would be better than ever. so i was understanding. so then her friend invites us to go out to dinner later that night, she asks if i wanted to go, i said yes, and we went on with the night. right about 30 min before we were going to leave to go out to dinner, she says she wants to go alone and hope i didnt mind. so i figue she still wanted time to herself so i said yea i dont mind. i took her to the bank then dropped her back off at her house so she can leave, she kissed me goodbye, and told me she loves me, with a big smile on her face. as i was leaving i told her if she wanted when she left she can give me a call and we can talk till we fell asleep. she said sounds like a plan. 11pm she texts me saying shes home, i asked her since it was still kinda early if she wanted me to come over for another 2 hours or talk on the phone, she said shes full and tired and wants to just go to bed. so it ended there. the next morning i wake up feeling kinda depressed and was really needing my girlfriend for comforting, so i sent her a good morning text, she replied back when she woke up, i told her how i was feeling and that i really needed a hug from her and i wanted to leave work an hour early to go see her. she told me she was off at 1 and that it wouldnt kill me if i stayed till 4 like im supposed to. so i said okay but i really need this hug. so she replys back, you know this isnt helping what we talked about last night. so im at work reading this getting even more upset. i step outside to call her, she told me she wants just the day to herself and she really needs it, so i agreed to give it to her. i wasnt happy but i agreed. after we hung up i went back inside and waited till my first break, then i called my mom to vent, my mom was just making things worse, she was trying to put the idea that shes cheating on me in my mind which i know for a fact she isnt, and we just talked for a while, after that it got me thinking and i wanted to have a talk with my gf about our relationship so i texted her saying that i know she wanted the day but can we please talk about our relationship? so she replies back saying. you arnt getting what im saying to you, i dont know if we can be together i need this day to think. that just did it for me, i left work early and ran home. my mom was off so i spent the day with her. she tried to comfort me. later that day my gf's best friend talks to me on facebook saying that she is frustrated that i tried to talk to her and that she really needs her time to think. so i know that she said she wanted a week so i told her friend that if thats what she wants then she can have that week. now i know the thought of breaking up has been going through her mind. i just cant see why, we never fought got into an argument once that lasted 20 min and forgave each other for, i spoil her. is just i cant see why. so today makes it 4 days of our break. still have not talked, but her sister and friend have talked to me. her friend was telling me that she really needs this time to think and if i love her i would give it to her. which i do love her and i want her to be happy. her sister was saying to me that she isnt out all the time shes been sleeping in and prefers to stay in, shes not seeing anyone else. and that shes been in the same situation and its best to leave her alone and give her the space she wants, so thats what ive been doing, i have not called her, have not texted her, the only thing i know is that her cell phone is set up automatically to text her if i update my status on facebook. so i slowed down on that so her phone doesnt explode from texts. its just been so hard for me, im depressed so much, i cant eat, i havnt slept, i cant work, i try not to cry cause it just makes it worse. i just dont know what to do with my self, i cant break up with her, i love this girl so much, she even told me that she has never been in a relationship that has just gone so perfect. our 5 month anniversary is on october 2nd. now if she ends this break before then and we get back together than i know ill be happy and i hope she is too, but if the worst happens and we break up. i had already ordered floweres 2 weeks ago to get delivered to her house on our anniversary. now i just hope that we dont break up and that what they say is true about being apart will make a relationship stronger. everything around me reminds me of her. its just so hard to go each day knowing that you cant see or talk to her when you really need her the most.

77. soconfused says —
    (On October 3rd, 2009 at 3:04 pm)

    I have been so confused lately, my bf and i have been together for 5 years. We moved in together after about a yr of dating. About 3 yrs ago i had serious issues with him after i found many texts and emails he sent to other girls. I confronted him and he said he never actually did anything with them and there was nothing else but what i found… it took him a while to even admit that much. we kinda of seperated for a few weeks because i had no idea if i could be with him after he did that. we did get back together and 2 1/2 yrs later i still have trust issues with him however a lot of it has to do with how we never have sex, ever. i think we have maybe twice in the past 2 yrs. we have even gone on a couple cruises and we never had sex then either. nothing. i try to talk with him about how it hurts me and makes me feel like he doesn't want me or have any interest in me and every time i talk to him it's like he purposely doesn't just because i brought it up. I've been unhappy and its showing, we have been fighting over a lot of little things and we finally had a big blow out/talk about it. Bottom line of the fight is that he think i don't appreciate him and use him for his money (everything always comes down to money with him but i really don't understand why he thinks that and it seem that's all he cares about) and i feel like he has no interest in me b/c we don't have sex or any intimacy and i still don't trust him. I think that since we had our big fight he's been talking to someone through text but hides it from me- when i confronted him he denied it and said i need to get over it. and then, I was at a party without him about 2 weeks ago and there was a guy there that was into me and i ended up kissing him. i would never normally do this b/c of my own values surrounding cheating but feel like i did it b/c this guy was so nice and paid attention to me and made me feel wanted- i guess i liked the attention. I told my bf who was clearly not happy and admits we both have a lot to work on and now i'm thinking we both don't trust each other. Basically he said we are either going to make this work or we should just cut our losses. he says he wants to try and work it out but i'm not so sure we can. we both have said some mean things to eachother and he even went so far as to say that he should've taken a job offer a few yrs back and moved away then rather than being in this town- but i know he was just angry about what i did but part of me has always felt like he feels that way. i love him so much and i know he loves me i am just… confused. I'm thinking the best thing to do is to take a step back away from each other and really see if we want to be together and basically take a break, which also means he needs to move out. I need some direction.

78. Peter says —
    (On October 4th, 2009 at 9:15 am)

    It all sounds very strange, him texting someone else and hiding it from you, you two not having any intimate time and the fact that it was getting to you so much you kissed someone else… If you are arguing so much maybe it is for the best to walk away from it. If you arent happy and its pushing you to cheat then, In my opinion, walk away… I definatly think you shouldnt be living together while fighting like you are.

79. molly says —
    (On October 4th, 2009 at 10:47 am)

    So, my boyfriend and I of 3 years recently split up. We split up because we were planning to get married. Had things planned. Which we both decided on. Then he freaked out. There had not been an official proposal, and when I asked him about it. He said that he just wasn't ready and he couldn't force it. I left. The wedding is in 6 months and he is not ready or excited about it.

    He loves me, but said he didn't "catch the spark" of being so excited to marry me. He is under a lot of stress caring for an ill family member. And financially supporting his whole family. I am not trying to make excuses….but he is financially strapped right now, and that seems to come up whenever we talk about the wedding. I have not talked to him for an entire week. I figured I should just move on. But it is very difficult when he talks of how much he loves me, feels comfortable with me, feels connected to me and knows he will never find that in another relationship. We both feel we are soulmates. And he keeps saying, if it's meant to be, it will be.

    I told him I had no idea how bad things were for him financially. He said I should have known. I asked how would I know when he wasn't talking to me about it. He said I just should have known. I feel like I'm being blamed for a lot that I had no control over. It is very frustrating. We have not spoken in 7 days. I received a few text msgs from him, but I did not respond. We are not young, in our mid to late 30's. Just don't know what is going on with him. He thinks I didn't understand his ill family members situation. I told him I totally understood things. I just didn't walk around stressing about it, because it is what it is and we have to deal with the current situation. Not be sad because things are not different. Things may never get better with his mother, so we have to enjoy what we have. I am an optimist and he is the opposite.

    He thinks that being married will be hard because he spends so much time taking care of her. I told him that I didn't mind helping. He said I should have been helping all along then….which I had been doing. I went to be with her when he was not available because of work. I was there 3-5 nights a week to have dinner with them, and I usually did the cooking. The only thing I did not do was bathe her or get up in the night with her, because I did not spend the night there. It is her condo, and I was respecting her by not staying the night since we are not married. So I tried to explain that it would be different when we are married, because I would not feel like I was intruding. I would gladly take a more active role. That I would adjust my work hours for her so that he didn't have to. That I would help much more.

    It is super frustrating. I feel like he was so pressured. I don't understand turning on the feelings he said he has for me just because he doesn't think he will be a good husband. He said he would fail me as a husband. You have to be aware of that and work to be better. Communicate and be there for one another. We have some communication problems, in that we don't always understand where the other is coming from. I suggested therapy. But he says, "things should have worked themselves out. We should not need therapy to be together".

    Then, the last time we were talking, he kept saying, this is how I feel right now. I asked what he meant by that? No answer. The call ended badly and I told him good-bye he would not hear from me again. That was the last time we spoke a week ago. Then I got a text that said "I said right now because if I decide I am meant to be with you, I will come back for you. That is not a string-along, that is just what I expect I would do in that situation. At that point it would be up to you to decide if that is what you want or if you have found what you want with someone else."

    I just don't know what to do now. There is nothing more I can do to reassure him of how things will be. So I feel I have no choice but to move on. Is that the right thing? And if he did come back, how would I know he wouldn't freak out and run again?

    Thanks!

80. Bob says —
    (On October 7th, 2009 at 3:56 pm)

    Peter I am in a very similar situation as you, and you seem to be providing some nice input and replies so I'm going to specifically reach out to you just because you will understand the most.

    It's almost the same situation from what you have posted, except we are not long distance. We have been together almost a year, and she's been extremely stressed lately (money and family problems). She still says I have been perfect to her, and that she hopes we do get back together and wants us to work out. She really just seems to need time to figure things out.

    My main question is how long should I give her, and how much I should keep in contact with her. I have always been her best friend and the one she comes to for help, until recently where she just stopped talking about things. They eventually bottled up and now we're single at the moment.

    She obviously needs space, and time. But how much time? I'm crushed to see her leave, I'm heartbroken over the fact that it's not a problem within the relationship that caused it, and I just wish to help her in her troubles but she pushed me away instead as if taking out her stress on me.

    Please post back when you can, and of course Peter may be the one I "called out" but feel free to respond even if you aren't Peter.

81. Peter says —
    (On October 7th, 2009 at 5:52 pm)

    Im a little heartbroken for you,

    In my opinion its not a problem between you two its just things outside of the relationship getting in the way.. Much like mine was and seeing as this is the case you can be as strong as you can be and she will see it. Be there when she needs you, Keep a little distance and she will notice that its not you causing problems and that you actually calm her down and cheer her up…

    Time wise, Can you really put a time on it? A break will last as long as it needs to and im sorry to say that because I know how painful it is… But please trust me, If you wait… If you are patient…and if you two are strong and at the end of all the mess she realises you are the one… Then she will thank you for waiting, forever.

    I hope she sees that you are not the problem in her life and I hope you stay strong and be her pillar of strength, She needs you and you need to carry on being "perfect"… dont stress her out or get yourself worked up and soon you two will be fine…

    Please please let me know how it goes…
    x
    Peter
    thorp001@hotmail.co.uk

82. Byron says —
    (On October 7th, 2009 at 5:52 pm)

    Well, an update on my situation…Sara is moving out Friday. We've talked before about going two months or so with no contact or doing a separated but still "together" thing and I think we've found out…or at least I've discovered that it's too hard to do. What I mean by that is that even if we agreed to not see other people for a while…she's still going to be living apart from me, doing her own things. She's got a lot of guy friends who are probably going to be on "alert" now that she is living on her own and she's never been shy about seeking attention, even if the intention is not that she wants to be in a relationship or hook up or anything like that.

    So basically, I've told her…let's just see what happens. You know what I consider "crossing the line"…if you do it and I find it, it's all over. If you do it and I don't find out…you still have to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning. In any case, I am not going to play the victim. I told her the longer she waits to figure out whatever it is she is trying to figure out, the more likely it is I will have moved on as well. I'm not going to twist in the wind waiting for you to decide if the grass is greener somewhere else.

    So, that's how it's gonna be. I broke down last night in tears…there are extremely tough moments. But then there are the moments when I feel empowered and like I need to take control of the situation with my own hands. Because she's leaving me…so if she wants to come back into my life, it'll be on my terms now. I want it to happen, but I will not suffer just because I don't want to lose her.

83. Peter says —
    (On October 7th, 2009 at 5:58 pm)

    I feel silly because im no expert and I dont know if my advice is ever any good…..but…

    Byron, You are stronger than I ever will be and I think its the best thing you can do. Take control.. If shes not sure if you are for her then why should you wait around for her to make up her mind. I also agree that complete no contact breaks can be too hard to bear.

    I think you are doing the right thing but it would be disaster if you let your guard down now, stay strong and lets hope she realises soon what shes lost…

    I hope it all goes well,

    Peter

84. Byron says —
    (On October 7th, 2009 at 6:05 pm)

    Bob,

    Be tough. Give her all the time. All the rope she needs. But don't twist in the wind waiting for her to come back. Don't put your own life on hold. Stay true to what you believe in because like Peter said, if she does come back, she'll love you all the more for being so faithful. You're lucky in a way because your girl told you she wanted and hopes for things to work out. In my situation, she won't even say that at this point…just that she's going to try and be happy with herself and see where that takes her.

    But again, be tough and do not get jerked around. Continue living your life, going out, having fun. That will make you more desirable and perhaps speed up the process. Calling her and waiting on her will not. Show her how much she is missing by not being there.

85. Byron says —
    (On October 7th, 2009 at 6:21 pm)

    Thanks again Peter, you've been a wonderful voice here in this forum.

    I believe all of the voices here will find what's best for them. If it wasn't mean to be…then it'll have been a great life lesson. If it was meant to be, well…I'm thrilled for anybody here who figures things out.

    Support from those who have been through the situation and others who are dealing with it, regardless of outcome, is such a huge morale booster to me.

    I saw a friend once who had his heart broken (the girl actually cheated on him with a good friend, so he lost two important people in his life)…anyways, I saw him dissolve into a mess. Getting drunk every night, secluding himself in his house, skipping work, even cutting himself.

    He's better now and worked through things but I decided then and there that would not be me. I want to fill the void in my life with friends, my dog, volunteering, remodeling the house…things that will make me a better person. Not to get Sara back, but for myself. Again, don't get the wrong idea…I still breakdown a lot, it's really still 50/50. But the more you think about it, with a rational and strong mind, the more you will believe in yourself.

86. Bob says —
    (On October 8th, 2009 at 4:11 pm)

    Update to my situation.

    Well last night we talked again finaly after 5 days, and we've decided to stay together but keep a bit distant. She still needs time to fix her problems and just be to herself. We're taking it slow, but working it out. We're going to see each other once a week for a while to see how it helps her. Much thanks for the quick response and giving your opinion in general.

    Hope it works out, I still feel we're right for each other and can make it.

87. Ry says —
    (On October 8th, 2009 at 6:44 pm)

    Hi

    My girlfriend and i have been together for 8 years now, she is my best friend and i am hers, at the beginning of the week she said she needs some time apart to think.

    She has had a lot of stress latley with a family memeber trying to kill himself, also stress at work plus we have had guests staying in our house over the past few months, on and off, so its been a little busy.

    we have also in the past couple of months started to build a house.

    She says part of the problem is that im to needy and dont really have my own life, as we pritty much do everything together, I do text and call her a lot during the day normally,

    I feel that over the past couple of years i have actually just been satisfied with the whole lot and kinda just going through the motions with everything her, work, life in general, and this could be a massive wake up call for me.

    I have not been in contact with her now for about 4 days and im finding it really really hard in fact its killing me, but im trying to keep busy and stay positive, i have heard through mutual friends that she is missing me, and they advise me to just be strong and give her time.

    So how much time is the question ? i dont want to be the one to make contact as i feel its her that needs the space, i just feel the longer its left the harder its going to be when we talk.

    Im currently staying on a friends.

    Any advise would be greatly appreciated Peter.

88. Byron says —
    (On October 9th, 2009 at 5:45 am)

    Ry -

    Sounds very similar to what I have been going through. The whole "we are such best friends that we don't have our own lives anymore" situation…that and a whole lot of outside stress which frankly, you can't fix for her no matter how hard you want to.

    I too got caught up with simply being satisfied with being with her, even though in my heart I felt like she wasn't totally into the relationship like she used to be.

    I would listen to your friends and give her all the time and the space she needs. Like I've said before, you have to keep living your life, doing fun and interesting things for yourself during this period. In the grand scheme of things, 4 days is really nothing. You may find yourself waiting much longer. Your girl needs to fix things with herself on her own terms and a week is not even close to the time she needs most likely.

    You're right, I think there is a definite fear that the longer you wait, the more out-of-touch and distant you two will become, to the point where you fear the relationship may just slowly, painfully dissolve away. It's the risk you must take. If it was meant to be, she'll come around at some point. Let her contact you. Again, the more you feel the urge to be in touch with her during this, the less you are helping the situation, and indeed – yourself. You both need to be happy and able to do so independently. I'm not saying you want to ever get to the point where you go through a day and not think about her…but you need to be able to go to work, go out with friends, go do stuff and not have her constantly on your mind. When you reach that point, then you know you are healthy. She is probably just trying to find that state of mind as well. Then, only then, can you really make a good decision on where your relationship should go from there.

    It's not all sunshine and roses but that's life. Stay strong and be positive about yourself.

89. Byron says —
    (On October 10th, 2009 at 9:19 am)

    Sara moved out yesterday. Very eery coming home last night to an empty house. I mean, I got rid of most of my shit when she moved in. So empty. Very sad. She left me a sticky note saying she loved me and a picture of us in happier times and that she'd see me soon. Then later she texted me good night from her new place.

    Actually slept pretty well all things considered. I'm spending this weekend cleaning and organizing what's left. Keeps me busy, occupied and sane. Sucks whenever I see something that reminds me of her though. Part of me feels like I need to cover or store pictures of us together so that I can move on but I can't do it yet. Reminds me of what I am fighting for and what I must stay strong for. Almost trying to picture this like she is just away on vacation and she'll be back at some point. Might be a false confidence but it helps for now.

    Anyways…I'm in this with all of you posting here, thanks for listening

90. Peter says —
    (On October 10th, 2009 at 9:22 am)

    Stay strong, She clearly loves you and that wont be lost. Im sure everything will turn out for the best.

    Peter

91. RY says —
    (On October 12th, 2009 at 4:33 pm)

    so update to my situation,

    Last night she text at 2 in the morning saying she wasn't doing well, i text back and said do you want me to call, she said yes so i did when i did she was crying on the phone, so i said do you want me to come over she said yes, so i did.

    When i arrived she was in bed very upset crying said she had just been laying there, and how she used to be good at time on her own etc.

    We lay and talk for a couple of hours a bit about the situation, about stuff that i thought we needed to do in our relationship like spend time doing stuff for ourselves and also take time to do stuff together, she agreed, we also just talk about normal everyday stuff and had a few laughs, it kind off felt like his was a big step forward and things are moving in the right direction ?

    We fell asleep cuddling and it was nice.

    In the morning we got up got dressed and both went of to work agreeing that we would talk in a couple of days.

    Then about 3 hours later she text and said, she still needs time, thank you for saving her last night and lets give it this week and talk next week, she also said i can text her but just with funny stuff ???

    Which now leaves me further confused at what is going on, i understand that i need to give her the extra space she has asked for as thats what she wants, but im feeling very confussed.

    Any thoughts ?

92. Peter says —
    (On October 12th, 2009 at 5:05 pm)

    You took a huge step forwards and this is great, She will be thinking of this all week. The funny texts is because she wants to know that you two can have fun in your relationship as well as passionate times.

    Be yourself still and give her the time she needs. What you did was exactly what she and you needed and im glad for you that last night happened. The last thing you should do now is dwell on the confusion… Be possitive… good things are happening and relax a little.

    Let us know how it goes…
    Peter

93. Maria says —
    (On October 17th, 2009 at 10:04 pm)

    Hello guys, I need your help please. I don’t know what to do. I am in a long distance relationship. He is 10 years older than me. We’ve been together for 3 months. Everything started wonderful; we would talk on the phone for 5-6 hours long, he would call me and text me 1000 messages per day. We met a few times; he came to my city to visit me. We spent great time together. He is a businessman and has got lots of things to do. So it came to the point that we barely talk on the phone now. He used to call me every day and we’d talk for 5 hours than it reduced to 2, 1 and then to 5 minutes per day. He always complains how tired he is and that he has got very serious problems at work. Now he doesn’t even reply to my text message and his excuse “I have got serious problems now, not in the mood for anything”. We also started argue on the phone a lot about this relationship. So I was worried and wrote him a letter about everything that is going on between us, but he had never read it. We talked about our relationship on the phone and he offered for us to take a break for 1 months. He said that we have very different life perspective, that I don’t understand his busy schedule and can’t accept him who he is. He said that he doesn’t call me not to get in arguments, that he is very sensitive to all pressure now and doesn’t want to deal with it, that I am the last person he wants to talk now. However he likes me and he has feelings for me but he doesn’t like us arguing all the time. So we decided to take a break and see where it goes. So I don’t know what to do and think. I got attached to this person, started develop feelings for him. He texts me once a week with very short messages “Hope all is good with you…etc”, however when I sent him messages back whether its about asking how he is or just about weather..Then he barely replies back. I don’t know what to think and to do? Am I too clingy? Does he need time or should I just forget about all this?

94. Peter says —
    (On October 18th, 2009 at 4:53 am)

    Honestly, He doesnt sound worth your time and effort. If he is too busy to give you even half an hour of his time a day to talk to you then he isnt worth it. A message a week is laughable and you dont deserve that. If it was me I would cut contact, It may hurt but its for the best… if he realises what hes done is upsetting you and realises he does want you then he will try and get you back… if he doesnt fight for you you know where you stand and you can move on.

    Sorry it wasnt more possitive advice,
    Peter

95. hopie says —
    (On October 18th, 2009 at 11:28 am)

    I was told by my bf that he wants to take a "time off" not beause he doesn't love me or we've been having problems. we were always good together.

    He said that he needs to take care of his issues. (past relationship basically destroyed him, grieving his closest family member as we started to going out a little after the family passed etc)

    we've been together for over a year, we were always happy, great together, barely fight, loves my son and my son loves him too. we were kind of instant family but very happy. but I found out that he wasn't committed to me fully. he was telling people he is single. He was flirting with girls, exchanging texts and phone calles. I've talked to these ladies but basically they were just flirts nothing else. so he started the therapy. I dont know the shrink suggested or this was his decision. but he told me that he wants to take a time off.
    I know he value my existence, he cares about me and is still taking care of my stuff etc even we are on break. we are just not seeing each other since he doesn't come home to me anymore ever since. (its been 3 weeks)

    he said he needs to do this to be able to commit 100% to me. if he doesnt do this now he can not love me or anyone 100%. he said he didnt have time or place to process his pain because we were always together. which it didnt make sense to me because as a couple I thought we go through tough time together. he also said if there is NO chance in us getting back together or he doesn't feel love for me then he would tell me its over instead of suggesting a "break"

    How should I take this? Some of my friends says "he is telling you "break" and hoping you would move on because he is coward" some says "he just wanna see the other options" "he just want you to be there when he couldn't find anyone better than you" "he is going through tough time and truly NEEDS his alone time, so dont blow it"

    I know many of you would say "give him more time" but I dont understand what the TIME would do to "US" I feel like more time and more alone time would only creates "look,im doing just fine without her" instead of "i dont wanna lose her"

    I want to know what are the things going through "man"s mind when he felt that he needs alone time to deal with some issues on his own. I understand if we are having problems and issues between us, sure its good to clear things up like how you really feel about the person etc. but we didnt have no problems.

    HELP!

96. Chris says —
    (On October 23rd, 2009 at 10:10 am)

    Peter, Byron, I feel for you. I wish I had found this a few months ago. It could have answered many questions I've had recently.

    Me and my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years are about 2 months into a "break". We dated for an amazing year, falling head over heals in love with each other before finding a place to live together. The problem, and I saw it back then, was that she started a new and extremely time consuming job when we made the move. I recognized it as a potential issue but thought we had found the best compromise by living somewhere around half the distance between our jobs (she drove over an hour one way, me about 45 minutes the opposite way). I also thought that our love would get us through anything.

    Things started out great, I loved living with her. Falling asleep with her in my arms, waking up to her beautiful face and feeling like we were going to be together forever. I got too comfortable though and took the relationship for granted. Her job created a lot of stress in her life and she expressed the need for a change. She often talked about marriage, but I would avoid the conversation. Eventually the best I could tell her is that I do want to marry her, but not yet. I was reluctant because she was so devoted to a job where she worked all but 2 or 3 days a month. She was overworked and under payed. I hated her job because it just left such little time for us. And she wouldn't leave her job without a commitment from me. So around in that circle we went.

    The last 2 months we were together we just kind of floated through life. Seeing each other for a few minutes here and there each day and arguing about not spending time with each other. Our once great sex life had basically disappeared. We never stopped loving each other though. Then she started looking for a place of her own near her work. She told me she wanted to move away and get her own life into a good place before even thinking of getting back together. For the first time since we were together she wanted to put herself first. The last time we saw each other before moving apart we couldn't say "I love you" enough. So one last tear filled I love you and a "see you later" (we refused to say goodbye) and we were on our own.

    About 3 weeks went by with no contact before I'd say I hit rock bottom. Thinking of her 24/7, dreaming of her at night, wondering if she was doing well at her new place on her own. About 5 weeks in I broke down and called her. She was so happy living where she was. Being close to work, hanging out with co-workers, having time to join classes at the gym. While I was happy for her, it also broke my heart because it had been a long time since she was that happy living with me. I wondered if I had been dragging her down, would she realize she doesn't need me in her life? She said she still loved me and was missing me but needed more time on her own, "its only been a month" she said. The next couple weeks were harder still. I made what I see now was a mistake and sent her flowers at her work and called her again. She was furious. It's hard for her too she said, why couldn't I just give her time she asked. I've frustrated her before, but this was the first time I think she was ever really mad at me. It was also the first time since we first ever said "I love you" that she didn't end the phone conversation by saying it, but just said goodbye. And I've been a wreck for the last couple weeks since then. I've never been one to reach out for help. But now I'm talking with friends and family, and now even strangers about it. I hope and pray that she gives me another chance. I have learned so much about myself and what she means to me with this time apart. She's my world. She is my first girlfriend and my first for everything else that goes along with that. I know I made mistakes but I want HER to benefit from what I've learned , and not some other girl down the road. I can't even imagine being with another at this point.

    So that's my story. I got it off my chest. It helps. NOW FOR MY ADVICE (caps to draw your attention since you're probably looking for any advice you can get). Use the "break" as a last resort. Communicate, communicate, communicate. I can't say that enough. It might help prevent the need for a break. If you can't avoid it and your partner says they need time, give it to them. Try to set something up where you can keep each other up to date occasionally. For me, "I just need time" was too vague and it was hard to wait for a phone call I wasn't sure was even coming. And although it doesn't really answer any questions, the saying "if it's meant to be it will be" is the best way to look at it. There's no good in beating yourself up over the past. Just look towards the future. To deal with the time? I write things down, that way if it works out I can show her what has been on my mind while we were apart. Exercise works off a lot of restlessness. I've never been in such good shape as I am now. And talk and look for advice wherever you can get it.

    Peter, I see you've been responding to many posts but didn't notice an update on your situation in a while. How's it going?

97. Sunday says —
    (On October 27th, 2009 at 11:37 am)

    My boyrfirend and I have been together for two years. In march we broke up for one month, and got back together. Since then I have been having major trust/jealousy issues and can't help but think of all the reasons why are relationshihp won't work. I am going to college in August and he is currently a high school dropout without even a GED. I feel like our goals and plans are not going in the same direction. And with all these problems, I love him, and I fear I might regret breaking up with him forever. I want to try to make it work…is a break the answer or is it just time to end it?

98. Peter says —
    (On October 27th, 2009 at 2:35 pm)

    In this situation I dont see how a break will help you two. A break, I think, Is when there are problems that you can work on and try to fix. This isnt really one of those problems is it? Its more of a choice you need to make, Do you stay with him even though you know deep down that it probably wont work or do you leave it and go your seperate way.

    It sounds like you feel that he will hold you back in some way. Also, having trust issues isnt a good start if you are off to college, I think whatever you decide to do you should decide before you go. Sorry I didnt have more possitive advice but sometimes you dont want people saying "It will all be fine".

    Peter

99. Peter says —
    (On October 27th, 2009 at 2:46 pm)

    To Chris,

    I read your post and have been thinking about it recently. I really like your story because whatever happens you have learn't so much but I do understand where you are coming from, You want HER to benifit from your change. I feel for you I really do and I hope it does go the way you would like it to. I really dont have much advice for you seeing as most of it you have already done. I can only agree with what you have said: If they need space, Give it.

    Thank you for asking about my situation, I was up and down to the doctors with mild depression because she was doing horrible things to my head. I broke up with her in the end because I didnt feel like I deserved it.

    I still think about her a little but its not painful anymore. I know im better off without her its just the is an empty space now that her smile filled. Even though we werent on a break and actually broken up we both contacted each other once:

    I rung her because I was missing her voice and just wanted to hear from her… I regret doing that and she contacted me to tell me that she will see me in a year because she is moving down here for uni.

    All I can do is try my best to help other people, Being single isnt a bad thing and you will get over the pain, You can smile about it but it just takes a bit of time.

    Thank you

    Peter

100. Also Confused says —
     (On November 2nd, 2009 at 6:57 pm)

     Hi, I have been thinking hard all day and finally decided to look on the internet to get some help or advice to keep my head straight..

     I met this girl.. known her for awhile and last year i got my place and she came over we connected.. Her relationship came to a stop with this guy he said he didnt have enough time for you right now and it was not fair(although she was the most patient girl i know so she did not care that he was never around ya know?). She fell into my arms.. We started hanging out and soon enough i had fallen for this beautiful woman..Things were very good with the usual speed bumps of a relationship.. except the relationship aspect there was none.. no title no nothing yet we were seeing noone but eachother we were exclusive.. There was 120% of trust from each of us and it is amazing.. the relationship was haulted because she said she was not ready yet and wanted to be 100% with me.. I fully agree i did not want her anyless than 100% with me..We tried taking a break that did not work we saw each other the next day.. It was no coinsidence it was meant to be.. we continued our lives together both content yet without a title..Yet every once and a while he would come back into her life with just one text.. she met up with him to get her closure once and she told me she asked me.. i agreed cos i trusted her.. nothing got solved she was still left questioned, hurt, confused

     So i look at her and say dont worry i aint giving up on you..I was the most patient man with this woman not a lot of mean who could have done this..long story short she gets a text on her birthday from him just about a year later..she says that she is done and she was happy with me.. the next month was amazing felt so much closer and i felt like we were taking our relationship somewhere i was getting happy..she started getting distant.. i called her out on it and she cried to me.. saying she cant be hurt on the inside anymore..asking me to do something with her that in the end would be the end of her healing..she asked me if we could go on a separate vacations… no contact until she is healed..a break if you may.. well i am totally and madly in love with this woman ya know..so i took the risk for her i agreed and i wanted to do this right i told her.. i said no goodbyes..keep everything cos we will see each other soon.. and fate will bring us together..well our last two days we spent together were amazing… i wrote her a letter she wrote me one i felt closer to her already..

     I told this woman i was going to marry her and i asked her to give me the most beautiful babies in the world.. i promised her that and she said she believes me and trusts me.. we did not say our goodbyes yet we said our see you laters.. this was my first day in a year that i have not said good morning to the woman i am in love with

     I will not give up on this woman..i just wanted to write this to give my story to let people know be patient… ill write back when were on the plane to kaui for our honey moon ha ha

101. Byron says —
     (On November 3rd, 2009 at 6:24 pm)

     Chris,
     Thank you for you very well-written, thoughtful post. While all our situations are a little different, there are definitely similarities and similar feelings of hurt and anxiety and of being left alone and it certainly helps to share thoughts and comments.

     Peter,
     I think you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

     A little update from me…it's been a bit over a month since the ex moved out. First couple weeks were torture and she wouldn't even really correspond with me. Not that I made much of an attempt either, because I wanted her to be the one to reach back out.

     Lately we've been talking a lot on e-mail, she'll call or text me a few times a day…just small talk mostly. She seems to be finding her feet and getting back to being happy, the hard part is, like Chris mentioned – that she's doing it without me.

     Despite the communication there is still no real pull from her to want to be with me at this point. She says she misses me a lot but not in a way that she needs me or wants me around as her boyfriend/fiance/partner like she used to.

     So I have asked her if she wanted to end things, to just make a break. She got flustered and said she thinks she needs more time to figure things out and just needs me to be a friend right now. She says it's not that she wants to be single, she just honestly is not sure she is in a state where she can love anybody like that right now. I know she's afraid if she cuts me loose, she's going to regret it. So she's trying to keep me at arm's length but still within touching distance while she sorts out her inner thoughts.

     It's bizarre and frustrating for me but I really don't have a choice right now. I don't want to be "the friend" in the long-run, but for me to abandon her at the moment would surely crush any hope I or we have of working things out. In the meantime, I now have to battle my own thoughts about moving on, about trying to see other women. Which, at this stage, I do have thoughts about. I've been the most devoted and loyal person she's ever had in her life and now I feel I am being forced to emotionally and maybe someday even physically betray my own heart because I am so fed up. Those qualities which initially made me so attractive and appealing to her…I feel like she is pounding them out of me.

     The battle continues…

102. Also Confused says —
     (On November 4th, 2009 at 1:10 pm)

     Byron you and i have a very similar situation.. i know for a fact that my girl would regret the situation if she were to lose me so she is holding on barely..it has been two days for me and its hard it really is.. i talked to my love constantly all day and night and now to go to no contact is insane.. i read her letter a million times in a day.. hoping to see that text soon..

103. In doubt. says —
     (On November 9th, 2009 at 10:41 am)

     My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a little over a year, and at first it was very much the honeymoon phase, so attached to eachother, made each other extremely happy.. It was perfect, but just yesterday I decided to take a break from him because I felt like he wasn't paying enough attention to me, kind of like he forgot how to be my boyfriend, like I was just there and he no longer made an effort, we barely talk and it always seems like he's so into something else… I wanted to take this break to figure things out and kind of clear the air I guess.
     I don't feel like I will come back from this break, I feel like when he just let this break happen with not so much of a question on his mind that he wanted it to end, or that he doesnt care that we wont be talking for a while.
     I love him but how am I supposed to hold onto a relationship that I feel just keeps on slipping through my fingers?

104. Peter says —
     (On November 9th, 2009 at 3:23 pm)

     Ill be honest because thats all I am. Sounds to me that if he didnt bother to fight for you or ask questions about a break then whats the point in fighting for it yourself. If he doesnt realise what he has when he has it and wont fight then there really isnt much you can do.

     You shouldnt have to do tests like breaks and breaking up just to see if that person cares. You need to decide if it is you he wants if not… hes not worth the time.

     Peter

105. Gale says —
     (On December 22nd, 2009 at 5:15 pm)

     My botfriend and I of 1year and 2 months just went on a break due to that i needed to get myself back on my feet. So I told him that i was going to find a job and we'll be back to normal. Well for the past three days of being on this break, he kept telling me that were technally single and we can do whatever we want as dating wise. I almost cried because I know i don't want that & neither does he. He keeps saying that were in an open relationship and were not. He also told me when he told his friends thet hugged hima nd they were proud that we were on a break and I got more upset. i don't know what to do. Jobs suck now and i really want to be with him soon. I miss him so much and I love him and he won't tell me he loves me or misses me. I know he does but, I think he's not going to say it because, he'll go weak.

106. Peter says —
     (On December 22nd, 2009 at 5:32 pm)

     Him saying that you were in an open relationship and also telling you over and over that you are now single and can do what you want sounds to me like he wants to be on his own. Sorry to say it but hes telling you these things for a reason. Maybe its the same reason why hes not telling you he loves you.

     He doesnt sound like hes trying to help you through this hes only trying to work out what hes allowed to get away with. Sorry but from what you have written it doesnt sound like a break is really what he wants… Maybe there is someone else?

     If it was me I would concentrate on looking after yourself and walk away from this guy as it seems hes not 100% into this relationship and noone deserves that.

     Peter

107. Gale says —
     (On December 22nd, 2009 at 6:11 pm)

     He is into the relationship 100% its just that not me & him r on a break he's completely isnt telling me anything. I don't think he's got anybody just how we were dating. I'm just thinking his friends are telling him what to do with me & him.

108. Michael says —
     (On January 3rd, 2010 at 3:05 am)

     Hello,
     Okay well I have been together with my girlfriend for 9 months now. I didn't think that anything was wrong with us. But after coming back from a trip to Arizona with my family, she texted me saying that we should take a break. Her reason was because she has really strong feelings for me and wants to take time to make sure they are real. But then again, she also said we wanted to date other people to make sure the feelings she has are real. I was utterly confused. We have been on a break for a week now and honestly, this week has probably been the most depressing week of my life. I have tried to get rid of depression by drinking (I have never gotten drunk all my life and I only got drunk to get rid of my thoughts and depression for a bit) Honestly, now I feel even worse than before.

     And also I bought her a diamond necklace from Zales as her Christmas present and since i was out on my trip during Christmas i couldn't give it to her. So I have a necklace just sitting there and I want to give to her because it reminds me too much of her and it brings back my depression. I want to give to her even though we are on a break, but I don't want to give her such a meaningful gift if there is something I may not know. What if she cheated on me during this break? Or cheated on me before the break and she wanted to take the break for that reason? I honestly don't know. I just want to her to know that I will always be there for her and that I care very much about her and I just want to know if she feels the same way…..

109. Jake says —
     (On January 4th, 2010 at 1:40 pm)

     I'm going through a very difficult situation. I never thought I would need to express myself online, but after seeing the positive feedback on this thread I knew I had to try.

     I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 4 years. I am really her first love and I have a little more experience relationship-wise. We started out as a long distance relationship. She was in College and I was working. Living about 5 hours apart, everything was great and I would visit her often. We got along very well and every part of our lives meshed well together.

     Before her last semester in college, she decided to drop out and move back with family. She also decided that she wanted to move to another city to pursue a dream. Back home, she found a job and started saving money. I supported her decision and encouraged her to pursue her dreams. During this time, I had been working on my own venture outside of my regular job and it was taking up a large portion of my extra time. I struggled to find time for everything in my life (family, our relationship, work, and my own business).

     Around our 4 year anniversary, she dropped the bomb on me that she had thoughts of breaking up. Ever since she came home, we hadn't spend enough time together and (like others on this forum) she expressed that I had become complacent in the relationship and was taking it for granted. She felt that she could do better than me, while I couldn't do better than her (emotionally not physically). She expressed that much of her family and friends didn't think I was right for her, and that I didn't bring out the best in her. She mentioned that she had been feeling disconnected for almost a year.

     I took it very hard and was very hurt. I was also angry at her for not communicating this with me earlier. I felt as though I had been oblivious to all of our problems the whole time and now felt that I failed as a boyfriend without warning. I couldn't sleep that night and the next day I tried to think rationally about our situation. I felt strongly that if she had brought things up to me earlier, we would have been able to resolve them. I was afraid that now it would be too late. I spoke to her the next day and expressed that I do want to bring out the best in her and that I wanted to fix all these problems. I also told her that if we were going to work through this, I would need her help. The problems were so deep rooted that I would need her to communicate to me every time she noticed an aforementioned problem.

     From then on I tried hard to address each issue. I spent more time with her family (even though it was incredibly hard to face them knowing what they thought of me). I made contact more often and my eyes were opened to all of the little things I was missing. Things like special occasions (which I took for granted before) and time together. Two months passed and I was still getting no help from her. She still seemed disconnected. I brought it up to her and she agreed. I had no idea what to do.

     I admire so much about this girl and feel that she is the one. I really feel like our love is real and incredibly deep. I fear that her lack of experience in relationships is clouding her thoughts. I want her to know that what we have is truly unique and that it's not found often.

     Because of these feelings, about a week ago we both decided to take a break from our relationship. We both have big things coming up. She's moving to a new city at the end of this month and I'm still busy with my work. After expressing our feelings and ideals about what this could do for us, we parted ways. We told each other to take care of ourselves and pursue our dreams. We promised to speak again before she leaves town to see how we feel. The initial assumption on both ends was that we'd be separated for almost a year.

     It's been horrible this past week and everything seems to remind me of her. I've been trying to keep myself occupied but since the extra time I've acquired was time I would have spend with her, the thoughts always return. Was it the right decision for us? Will we get back together after so long? Should I take charge and refuse to let go? At this point, I'm just trying to stay level-headed. I want to think rationally and avoid impulse decisions, but I'm just so afraid of losing her forever.

     For now, I'm riding the sands of time.

     Thanks for listening.

110. Ryan says —
     (On January 14th, 2010 at 3:25 am)

     So, almost 3 years ago (in february) I met the most amazing person in my life. I am 21 years old and the female is 19. She came after a long 2.5 year relationship in high school.

     Things were all so great for the first 1-2 years. Since then, we have seemed to become routine with each other. There are many factors that take play in our situation.

     She wants a break so that we can see other people before committing to each other. I think this is fair enough as I have only been in 2 relationships… but is she feeding me a load of crap?

     There is another guy that works with her. He gets around to quite a few girls. She told me nothing would happen with him, but there has been another of playful wrestling between them and they have kissed a few times. A strange side to this is that I know about EVERYTHING. I know exactly how they kiss, where they are, who goes for who, where the hands are, ETC. I am that close to her and we have built that bond strongly that she can tell me everything.

     Yet, I still feel that I have trust issues. My last girlfriend was a rough ending and now I feel that I cannot trust anyone completely. I only trust her 99%

     Another aspect of the relationship is that I have been working graveyards the past 6 months. I have only 15-30 minutes a day to see her during the week. It's hard, but shouldn't that be a break in itself?

     Over the past few weeks we have been on our break. Seen each other a few times on the weekends but haven't stayed for a night. ALCOHOL IS BAD!!! We went to a movie 3 days ago and had a VERY enjoyable night together. She told me that she would contact me soon… I don't know what that means. I expected it to be a day or 2, but I'm not sure what she is thinking. Maybe the line, "actions speak louder than words" she always says… is coming into play?

     I Love her. She loves me. It's hard to believe when she doesn't want to see or talk to me. I guess I may just need to get my life straightened out and let her do the same. I', just afraid she will leave me when I'm gone.

111. Jon says —
     (On January 14th, 2010 at 9:25 am)

     I've been with a girl for two years, and I love her more than anything. There is a significant age difference, I am about 12 years older than her. Everything was fine for about a year, but when the initial buzz of the romance wore off, the needy monster in me took over. I began to spend all my time with her, as if a moment away from her would be the beginning of some great rift in our relationship. No matter how often she reassured me about her love, it never seemed to be enough, and I constantly queried her about this (she calls herself my "reassurance punching bag"). My confidence took a nosedive, and every discussion we had about the state of our relationship only deflated me more. We are now about to take the dreaded "break", a word that made me feel like a black hole had opened within me (trite, I know).
     So I'm scared. Terrified. What-ifs abound and I fear that this is the end, even though she assures me it's not. I understand I have issues and I want to work through them. I know that we both need to be individuals in order for our relationship to be healthy. But I'm still scared. Is that wrong? And I'm so sad and worried. When the break starts, I have no idea what I'll do. And my kids have grown to love her too. What will they think? What can I tell them? Can this be a good thing?

112. Mike says —
     (On January 21st, 2010 at 1:03 pm)

     I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 10 months and we just recently broke up. The relationship is strong however we do seem to fight frequently. The fighting isn’t always her fault or my fault, but I’m probably responsible for 65% of it. I can be difficult at times and although I’m working on my patience, it takes some getting used to a relationship for me (I’m 34, she’s 30). My last relationship was 4 years long and the breakup was really bad so I’m nervous about getting close to someone else. I’ve pushed her away at times but I just couldn’t help but let her in.

     Anyway, she’s going through depression and she told me I should stay away from her so that she can work this out and help herself. The following day we got into a really bad fight on the phone (I was on some strong medication at the time) and she ended things. We haven’t really spoken since then (it’s been 3 weeks) but she is planning to take me out for my birthday. This will be the first time we’ll see each other since the breakup.

     I don’t know if she needs time to work on her depression or if she is trying to process the breakup. I don’t know what to expect when I see her for my birthday. We’ve broken up before but always seem to work things out when we see each other in person. We care for each other a lot but I think some counseling would be a good idea for both of us.

     Right now I’m more focused on helping her than us getting back together, but it’s really hard to not talk to her or see her.

     Thanks

     Mike

113. Tresa says —
     (On January 21st, 2010 at 9:08 pm)

     My boyfriend and I started hanging out in May 2009. Everything was going great. We spent a great deal of time together, but still managed to have our own lives seperately. He was working and going to school as I was doing the same thing. We met each other's families on the 1st of July and my family loved him and his family loved me. On July 4th, he asked if we could be exclusive and I agreed. Everything seemed to be great. We were talking about our future and he brought up marriage and kids. A few days later, he planned a romantic dinner and told me he loved me and I was everything he could ever want and more.

     Then all of a sudden he started pulling away at the beginning of September. He wouldn't come over and rarely texted or called me. I know he had been hurt really bad in previous relationships, so I tried to reassure him that he could come to me with any doubts or concerns, but he never returned any on my calls or emails. After not hearing from him in three weeks, his mother called me and told me he lost his job in September and was kicked out of school because he couldn't make his tuition payments. A week later, he sent an email saying that he shouldn't have neglected me the way he did and he's depressed and can't do this anymore. In my frustration, I responded by saying have a nice life. Since that night, he has been texting me randomly saying how much he loves and misses me. He continues to use our pet names from the when we were dating, but states that he has so much to worry about and isn't ready for a relationship right now. I'm so confused because his mom, dad, and sisters still don't know what's going with him. He still hasn't found a job and his bills continue to pile up.

     I want to be there for him, but I don't want him to think I am doing this to win him back. I love him and I want him to get through this because he has such a bright future ahead of him. I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point.

     Thanks,

     Tresa

114. Alexandra Coleman says —
     (On January 30th, 2010 at 11:00 am)

     Hi there,
     My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 months now. Recently, I've felt that things have not been the same…the excitement is just no longer there and I have found that we have some personality conflicts. He's my neighbor and I feel that we moved too fast for our own good. We are currently on a break and I'm not sure what to do. How do you know if someone is really the one for you? If you feel that the person you are with is not the one for you, is that a reason to let the relationship go?

     Thanks,
     Alex

115. JP says —
     (On February 23rd, 2010 at 12:08 pm)

     My GF and I were together for about 3 years. We have lived together for the past two years. Everything seemed to be great in out relationship abd we were both madly in love with each other. We both knew that we were going to spend the rest of our livies with the other. To begin, she would always be the one that encouraged us to become engaged and I always told her we would when the time and money was right. About 3 months before we split She picked out a ring and I began to pay for it through layaway. After that we began to look at houses to buy. I know its a little crazy to buy a house with someone you are not married to but we knew we would be someday. Again the house thing was all her idea. She would also name our future kids and actually contemplate having kids with me now. It seemed that we were the perfect couple. She got me thru my dads death a few years ago and I seemed to help her get through a lot of though times. We have no trust issues and bicker about little things but never really had a major fight.

     About the first of the month, after we had already had an offer accepted on a house, she told me that she was unsure about everything in our relationship and began to have cold feet about everything. I thought maybe she would get thru this but she didnt. The same day she told me that she also was at the hospital all day with her family as her mammaw just had open heart surgery and when she saw hew mammaw on the ventilator my Gf actually passed out.

     She says she still loves me and cares about me dearly, but feels that things arent right. She says that she has been very depressed for a while with her job and money sitaution and the house thing scared her.

     I love her so much and want to be back together with her but she says she doesnt think she can be with me. Its allso confusing, because she has done a 180 in the last month.

116. JP says —
     (On February 23rd, 2010 at 12:08 pm)

     My GF and I were together for about 3 years. We have lived together for the past two years. Everything seemed to be great in out relationship abd we were both madly in love with each other. We both knew that we were going to spend the rest of our livies with the other. To begin, she would always be the one that encouraged us to become engaged and I always told her we would when the time and money was right. About 3 months before we split She picked out a ring and I began to pay for it through layaway. After that we began to look at houses to buy. I know its a little crazy to buy a house with someone you are not married to but we knew we would be someday. Again the house thing was all her idea. She would also name our future kids and actually contemplate having kids with me now. It seemed that we were the perfect couple. She got me thru my dads death a few years ago and I seemed to help her get through a lot of though times. We have no trust issues and bicker about little things but never really had a major fight.

     About the first of the month, after we had already had an offer accepted on a house, she told me that she was unsure about everything in our relationship and began to have cold feet about everything. I thought maybe she would get thru this but she didnt. The same day she told me that she also was at the hospital all day with her family as her mammaw just had open heart surgery and when she saw hew mammaw on the ventilator my Gf actually passed out.

     She says she still loves me and cares about me dearly, but feels that things arent right. She says that she has been very depressed for a while with her job and money sitaution and the house thing scared her.

     I love her so much and want to be back together with her but she says she doesnt think she can be with me. Its allso confusing, because she has done a 180 in the last month.
     What do i do?

117. Jon says —
     (On February 23rd, 2010 at 8:39 pm)

     Me and my gf of 2 an 1/2 years are on a break on her will. Is there anyone out there who has been on a break and the girl has came back or is she just letting me off easy? Her friend called me and said that she has told her that she misses me and thinks we will be fine but just needs space, so her friend told me to wait…..

     just wondering if anyone has been in the same situation and had a happy ending?

118. Peter says —
     (On February 24th, 2010 at 12:29 pm)

     It sounds positive mate. If it was me I would be patient… Keep your distance and give her the space she needs… Her mate wouldn't be saying that if it was just a way to get rid of you. Breaks can help a relationship, but only if you do it right. I hope all goes well.

119. Jon says —
     (On February 25th, 2010 at 7:04 am)

     this is what her mom told me…..what do I do?

     Jon this is between you and I but I dont think she has givin up on you.

     she just told me she needs some time to be single before she gets married and so forth.But to me she still would go back with you.Now thats how I took it.And I know there is no one else.I wouldnt lie to you.
     Everytime she does this I feel bad for you.Cause we like you so well.I thought you were going to come here and go to school.But she said she just needs space for a while.And if she goes to Cancun I think Im going with her.I just want her safe.Shes had 3 boyfriends since high school and each time she broke up with them it was hard for me cause I just get use to them.I liked Nathan but I didnt like him cheating oon her.So in that case it was a she lgood thing.I think ooks at me being married at a young age and she just wants to be single for a while.But I do things and I wouldnt have it any other way for me.I want o do something without Jay I do it. We both have our space. But I just know there is no one else.I will keep you updated on things.

120. N says —
     (On March 3rd, 2010 at 4:27 pm)

     My bf and I have been together for almost 6 years. We had broken up after 5 years and it was only a few months into the break up when we started spending time together. Soon enough we were back together and working through the issues. We recently moved into our own place, for the first time with no room-mates (which we have always had the past 3 or 4 years) Everything was going well. We agreed on things and we were happy. We have only been there for about 7 or 8 weeks, and the past 4 I have been depressed and unhappy with our relationship. Things are so smooth, almost to smooth. We go out seperately a lot due to our schedules, but neither of us are concerned or really ask about each others times. For example I went out and had a drink and neither of us are for drinking nad driving so I stayed with my brother at his friends, and my boyfriend was at home. I came home, and he was just like, did you have a good time.. cool. And that was it. It is like we just don't have that care factor with certain things anymore. We have grown complacent with where we are at. I don't really know where he is at, he seems to put out a similar vibe, but is also showing how happy he is. I am not sure how to bring this up to him, as I do not want to hurt him, I do love him.. I just don't know if we are in love or just comfortable with one another and afraid we won't find someone else down the road. I am just very lost, and I want to try to make things work, but at the same time, I don't know what I want, and I don't want to hurt him. I also have found myself finding interests in another man and just wanting something different or more for myself.. and I dont know if that is because of what is happeneing within my relationship or what… Just lost and confused. But time will tell all. I mean he has his issues that I have always had problems with, but they are getting better and I am sure vice versa for him. I know everything will work out, whether it be together or apart.

121. DEIDRE says —
     (On March 4th, 2010 at 4:13 pm)

     Me and my BF have been together for 2yrs and 10mo. to be exact. Our relationship is great and we have had more good times than bad. And we've been really happy. But I've been away from him for 2weeks now over him being very in-sensitive over a serious conversation we had about planing to have a baby. He's wanted to have a baby but Im just not quite as ready. Any how, We finally had a talk yesterday, and he gave me the "I want to take a break". Before we even talked he started the conversation like this "I want a break…a long break for a couple months, i think we should see other people and see what happends from then". I asked if we could just talk things over and work on our relationship, but he had made his decision. Im just hurt over him not trying to make an effort to just talk about it. And him just making his mind up with out coming up to me about it and finding a solution. But here's the iceing on the cake that just hurt me to the core. His reason for wanting a break is because I've denied him a couple of times for sex. I will let you know that we have great sex about 6x's a week and maybe at times it has not been 6x's a week. There are times when i dont feel my sexiest or Im just not in the mood. But its not like we have'nt had sex in a month or anything. It really made me feel like all the other real issues we could of taken a break for or broken up for and didnt …why now? After all the things Ive done for him and gave him all my heart & made so much effort in this relationship… is just out the window because I've said no a few times. And this was actually the 1st I've ever heard about this. It just made me feel like thats all that matters to him, like Im just a sexual object to fulfill his needs. I feel like thats all that was holding this relationship. I understand sex is one of important elements to keep a happy relationship but I dont believe its the main thing to hold a relationship. I feel he forgot about our love we shared and all the small things that once matterd. I dont know? He wanted to take a break. I didnt want that and Im not going to waite around to find out if he wants to be with me. Its either he does or he does'nt. Am i being 2 sensitive? Is he being fair? Am I being fair to break up and not agree with a break? Is this a good enough reason to have a break over? Was this an excuse for him wanting to be with another? I am just so confused on how we were having talks of having a baby and moving to Oregon and had plans together …now this? It just does not make sense. I dont feel I deserve to be treated like this, do you think its best to move on?

122. Brie says —
     (On March 11th, 2010 at 6:57 pm)

     Well..me and my girlfriend have been back together for almost 2 years…but last Sunday she told me she wants to take a break. I had a feeling on Saturday, when we got back from the movies. Things kind of felt awkward but I tried to let it go…only to find out on Sunday from my girl that she wants a break for her to do some soul-searching and whatever else she needs to figure out. So just for now we are Best Friends…I know its going to be hard to accept that right now…but I know it's not going to be forever. I feel like she is lost herself in our relationship…I'm so deeply in love with her and she was too…but now she seems to see me more as a friend…I honestly think she fell out of love with me…it was very strong since we met in Sept.08…it was only till I believe Feb. that she felt like her love has changed for me. This is pretty much my first long term relationship as well as for her and I know were pretty young…she'll be 19 in April and I'll be 20 in August…I know she needs sometime and I'm willing to wait for her…I don't want to seem like I'm settling for her, because that's not the case…I don't see myself with anyone else…I already know that my girl is probably going to get with this girl she met when she was working, which was way before she told me that she wants to take a break…I admit, I'm very jealous, but on the other hand, I know she needs to explore for her to realize that she wants to be with me even more…and to me it makes sense that for us to be together again she needs sometime for her to do some soul-searching. I don't know how to explain it…but I know that she is the one and only one for me. I just want me and her to be back together, I know not now, but when we're living out on our own…that's when a fresh relationship can start…I think that is what we need in order for us to be together.
     I just want to be assured…I guess…
     ~

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