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When two people are involved in a committed relationship, it doesn't take very long before all of the fun, dazzle, and romance begins to wear off. Once this happens, couples may discover that they have many differences and begin arguing and fighting. First, it should be stated that the feeling of "being in love" never lasts. This is a proven scientific fact. All of the hormones, forgetfulness, and constant thoughts of each other lasts roughly the first two years of being "in love". After that, reality sets in and people begin to see each other without the rose colored blinders – faults and all.
It may be tempting to take a break in your relationship if you have been seeing each other exclusively, and then begin arguing and quarreling frequently. However, before deciding that this is the best road to travel, you will need to take some things into consideration. The first area to consider is that once you and your partner take a break, either one of you may decide to end the relationship. This is a serious reality and one that you should really consider before agreeing to take a break. However, most people agree that when one party feels that it is time to take a break, they have already been contemplating ending the relationship. So, with that in mind, if you absolutely do not want to end your relationship, you may want to discuss other options with your partner.
Before agreeing to take time off of your relationship, you may want to suggest seeing a counselor. A counselor can help you work through the issues that you are facing and can provide greater results than you can achieve by taking a break.
You should also realize that if you and your partner have unresolved issues, taking a break from your relationship would not solve them. If you have been fighting frequently, and want to take a break, when you get back together your problems will still be there. This is another reason why seeing a counselor is more advantageous than taking a break. If your relationship is to grow stronger and thrive, it is better to take care of the issues that are causing strain and disagreement, rather than avoiding them.
Sometimes, the idea of taking a break from a relationship seems like the best solution, however it may just be a way of running away from the real issues at hand. It should also be considered that the fact that you want to take a break might be a warning sign that your relationship has reached its end.
Finally, there is truth to the statement that separation makes the heart grow fonder. If you have tried counseling, and continue to fight, and aren't sure if you should end your relationship or not, you may want to agree to take a break. If you find that your heart is longing for the other person and you both agree to reunite, your relationship may be stronger than it ever was before. However, you should both be prepared for the possibility that your break may be the first step to the end of your relationship.
(6 votes, average: 3.17 out of 5)
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(On April 16th, 2008 at 8:16 pm)
Hi there,
I've just told my partner of over 7 years that I need to take a break. We have a tumultuous history, which mainly includes me wanting to leave him. In the past year and a bit I have even resorted to telling him his faults, which really aren't even his faults, as he is such a great person. He is so hurt, his self-confidence is diminishing and I hate myself for saying the things I said. To me, this break is really just a break, I need to figure out why, under times of stress, I behave so poorly. I panic, give him a list of things I'm not happy about, and then want to end it. He is a great person though. Can I actually deal with these issues that I have? What are these issues? And if I can, do you think I could ever mend the damage I have done? How? I know I personally need this break as I can't keep repeating this same pattern. It is so unfair to him and I hate seeing him so hurt. But everyday I ask myself what I have done. Help.
(On June 9th, 2008 at 12:51 pm)
My girlfriend of 5 and a half years has been going through about 6 months of being unhappy in our relationship. She is not sure why she is unhappy and I truely believe she does not know why. I didn't want to go on a break, but she has tried to stay with me and is just so unhappy.
We ended up taking a break 4 days ago today. It has been absolutly horrible. I have called her 3 times and sent text messages. I know that calling her and texting her is not what she wants. I feel like if I don't stay in contact she will forget about me and won't come back.
I am so lost and feel destroyed. Everything hurts so much. I do have friends that are helping me with this but the pain is still unbelievable.
There is no right answer to this hurt and pain. Only time will tell what happens. It's just unbearable to think of my life without her.
(On June 9th, 2008 at 2:28 pm)
Hi Adam,
I want to start out by saying that I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Losing someone after 5 years can be really difficult and at times you may feel as though you’ll never be able to get over her. As you go through this process, it’s important that you remember that time really heals all…and no matter how painful it may be right now, it will get better.
Your girlfriend’s unhappiness can stem from a number of different reasons and I really can’t make any assumptions without knowing more about your relationship. What I can tell you though, with pretty good certainty, is that this type of feeling arises quite often in long term relationships. Sometimes it’s easy to identify…work, stress, friends, commitment, but in most cases, we don’t really know why we’re unhappy…we just are.
I believe that your girlfriend doesn’t know why she’s unhappy and that’s why it is so important that you give her time and space to figure things out. Nobody can tell you how things will work out…she may decide that she can’t live without you can come knocking on your door. Alternatively, she may never come back, or worse, decide that she wants you back when you’ve already moved on. Regardless of what happens, we need to focus on the present and that means giving her space…not calling or texting. Feeling as if she’ll forget about you during your time apart is common…but after 5 years together, trust me when I tell you that she knows you’re there.
Your situation is difficult because you don’t know what to do. You want to be optimistic about her coming back, but at the same time, you can’t help but think that she may never come back at all. How long do you wait before you realize that it’s over and move on? You said it best….only time will tell. In the meantime, try to surround yourself with good friends and keep busy. Give her the space she needs but don’t set any milestones or dates. I promise you that things will naturally work out…they always do; and on that morning in the future, you’ll wake up and she’ll either be there with you or you’ll know that it’s time to move on.
Good Luck!
(On June 9th, 2008 at 11:03 pm)
my boyfriend and i have been together for 9 months.
a few weeks ago my boyfriend went over seas for his oe as he has been plaining it before he met me.
we have been haveing on and off fights for the hole month of(may).
towards the end of the month we almost ended up breaking up but ended up have a break i agreed because i knew there is something there and i love him but cant say it because i my self have to learn to trust what he says and if he means it. he has never cheated and i know that so it not that.
he has told me now since he has been over seas that he has fallen out of love for me and that he hopes that he will fall in love with me again when he gets back and said that he still realy cares for me
im scared that now that we are having a break he might met some one and then she will see how amazing he is. i have had past relationships but he makes me realy happy he is always there and drops any thing to see me.
i hope this break will do good rather than do bad.
(On June 10th, 2008 at 4:48 pm)
Hi Dep,
Although it may come off as a little harsh, I wouldn’t wait for someone who has told you that they’ve fallen out of love with you. The worst part of it all is that he said he may fall back in love with you again when he gets back. Love isn’t a once in a while thing…it’s either there or it isn’t, or it’s there and then lost.
I get the feeling that he wants to try new things but doesn’t want to lose you either. That’s incredibly unfair to you and if he does end up coming back, I wouldn’t be surprised if the same thing happens again. The truth is, you’re the one that’s amazing…he already knows that and you need to as well.
Best of luck!
(On June 10th, 2008 at 5:05 pm)
Hi Andrea,
Sorry for the delayed response.
After being in a relationship for 7 years, there are so many things that can factor in to what you’ve been experiencing. Regardless of how good of a person he is, it’s likely that both of you aren’t right for each other…and there is nothing wrong with that. Your desire to leave the relationship, and your inability to do so, is probably the main reason why you react the way you do under stressful situations. It has nothing to do with him…you’re upset with yourself (the situation that you’re in) and you’re projecting those feeling onto him.
You’ve already made the best possible decision…taking a break. I am not sure if your past relationships were similar, but regardless, you need to really concentrate on yourself in order to sort out your personal issues. Can you mend the damage you’ve caused? Well…if you haven’t done so already, I would offer him a sincere apology for all of the things you’ve said. Take complete responsibility for your actions and ask for his forgiveness…that’s really the only thing you can do. As far as what triggers these issues…without knowing too much about your situation, I would say that it stems from your unhappiness in the relationship. You didn’t just wake up unhappy one morning; it’s been slowly building up inside of you and this is how you’ve dealt with it. Only time will tell how things will work out, and if you find that you’re a different person when he’s not around, you should probably consider making the break permanent.
Best of luck!
(On June 29th, 2008 at 6:39 pm)
I came upon this page when I was searching information about getting some space in a relationship or like you say, "taking a break". I have been in a 3 year relationship and both my partner and I have been through so much this past year. Last July, his Dad suffered a heart attack and died right in front of him. He seemed to shut off emotionally which I expected. I made sure to let him know I was there for him while he went through this. Now that it is coming upon the year anniversary of his dad's death we had another incident. My great grandmother, who he knew and loved, died of cancer.
At that point he really seemed to turn off. He came to see me when she passed (and he was there in the hospital to visit her before) but I could tell he couldn't handle the pain of having to go through another death. Since then (it’s only been about a week since her passing) it has been extremely hard to get in touch with him and he just seems emotionally unavailable. He has tried to support me through this but seems to not be able to handle it.
Today we had a long conversation and we both cried and he said he feels so screwed up and that he doesn't want to hurt me like he has been the past couple of weeks. The passing of my great grandmother has brought back too many memories of the passing of his father. He said he doesn't know what he wants and I truly feel he doesn’t. He mentioned space and I asked if he would rather take a "pause" or "stop" with the relationship. He said a "pause" for two weeks. So I am going to lay off and give him the emotional space he needs, no calls, no texts. I recommended a therapist since I truly believe he has not grieved his father in a helpful way.
I am just so hurt. I feel that he truly doesn't know how to handle his feelings over the death of his father and I don't blame him at all. I just hope that this “pause” will help rather than harm this relationship. This isn't a "break" where we are exploring other avenues or new people, it is an emotional break to give him time to sort out his grieving and see if he can handle everything. What is your experience with grieving consecutive deaths and continuing a healthy relationship?
(On July 8th, 2008 at 9:48 am)
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years. He is my first love, my first boyfriend, and I think because of that I have an extra attachment to him because I do not have any experience with other people. I have heard that this happens to many girls as a first boyfriend phase—this abandonment of self, and need to end up married to this guy.
I feel like my happiness depends on him and on marrying him. He loves me tremendously and is my best friend but has had more experience and is just more independent and secure in himself. I on the other hand voluntarily give up hobbies, friends, family for him, and I pretty much put the huge burden on him to be my everything. I am obsessed with the idea of marrying him, even though I know its just completely unrealistic at this stage in my life, and in his. I know this and believe this completely but at the same time I want when the time does come to end up with him. I feel that if I don’t….I just feel that I need to, that its destiny, that if I don’t my life, the universe, everything would just be wrong.
Feeling like this, throwing my future happiness all on something that is external to me, is just very hurtful and frustrating, to both of us.
I don't want to do it anymore. I feel that I need to reclaim my individuality and realize that although he can be an amazing addition to my happiness, he can't be the stem of my happiness, of my life. I want to be happy and balanced. I don’t want to have anxiety or unwarranted jealousy/suspicion.
How do I fix these issues? I am too scared to break up with him. Like I’ve said he’s been my everything and he’s such a special beautiful person. I don’t want to lose him or close any doors. I just want to do what it takes to strengthen and stabilize myself and ideally get back together with him.
We have talked a couple of times about taking a break eventually. Do you think this could help? Would a break help me to find strength in myself and stop being so needy? Would seeing other people help me realize whether my relationship with him is driven by love or love mixed with obsession and attachment. Would seeing other people help me take off any first-love blinders I have on, the obsession and fear of being alone? I need to feel that in the long run I will be ok and will love myself whether or not I end up with him. What do you think? Take a break? How long?