You shouldnt have to do tests like breaks and breaking up just to see if that person cares. You need to decide if it is you he wants if not… hes not worth the time.

Peter

Peter,
I think you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

A little update from me…it's been a bit over a month since the ex moved out. First couple weeks were torture and she wouldn't even really correspond with me. Not that I made much of an attempt either, because I wanted her to be the one to reach back out.

Lately we've been talking a lot on e-mail, she'll call or text me a few times a day…just small talk mostly. She seems to be finding her feet and getting back to being happy, the hard part is, like Chris mentioned – that she's doing it without me.

Despite the communication there is still no real pull from her to want to be with me at this point. She says she misses me a lot but not in a way that she needs me or wants me around as her boyfriend/fiance/partner like she used to.

So I have asked her if she wanted to end things, to just make a break. She got flustered and said she thinks she needs more time to figure things out and just needs me to be a friend right now. She says it's not that she wants to be single, she just honestly is not sure she is in a state where she can love anybody like that right now. I know she's afraid if she cuts me loose, she's going to regret it. So she's trying to keep me at arm's length but still within touching distance while she sorts out her inner thoughts.

It's bizarre and frustrating for me but I really don't have a choice right now. I don't want to be "the friend" in the long-run, but for me to abandon her at the moment would surely crush any hope I or we have of working things out. In the meantime, I now have to battle my own thoughts about moving on, about trying to see other women. Which, at this stage, I do have thoughts about. I've been the most devoted and loyal person she's ever had in her life and now I feel I am being forced to emotionally and maybe someday even physically betray my own heart because I am so fed up. Those qualities which initially made me so attractive and appealing to her…I feel like she is pounding them out of me.

The battle continues…

I met this girl.. known her for awhile and last year i got my place and she came over we connected.. Her relationship came to a stop with this guy he said he didnt have enough time for you right now and it was not fair(although she was the most patient girl i know so she did not care that he was never around ya know?). She fell into my arms.. We started hanging out and soon enough i had fallen for this beautiful woman..Things were very good with the usual speed bumps of a relationship.. except the relationship aspect there was none.. no title no nothing yet we were seeing noone but eachother we were exclusive.. There was 120% of trust from each of us and it is amazing.. the relationship was haulted because she said she was not ready yet and wanted to be 100% with me.. I fully agree i did not want her anyless than 100% with me..We tried taking a break that did not work we saw each other the next day.. It was no coinsidence it was meant to be.. we continued our lives together both content yet without a title..Yet every once and a while he would come back into her life with just one text.. she met up with him to get her closure once and she told me she asked me.. i agreed cos i trusted her.. nothing got solved she was still left questioned, hurt, confused

So i look at her and say dont worry i aint giving up on you..I was the most patient man with this woman not a lot of mean who could have done this..long story short she gets a text on her birthday from him just about a year later..she says that she is done and she was happy with me.. the next month was amazing felt so much closer and i felt like we were taking our relationship somewhere i was getting happy..she started getting distant.. i called her out on it and she cried to me.. saying she cant be hurt on the inside anymore..asking me to do something with her that in the end would be the end of her healing..she asked me if we could go on a separate vacations… no contact until she is healed..a break if you may.. well i am totally and madly in love with this woman ya know..so i took the risk for her i agreed and i wanted to do this right i told her.. i said no goodbyes..keep everything cos we will see each other soon.. and fate will bring us together..well our last two days we spent together were amazing… i wrote her a letter she wrote me one i felt closer to her already..

I told this woman i was going to marry her and i asked her to give me the most beautiful babies in the world.. i promised her that and she said she believes me and trusts me.. we did not say our goodbyes yet we said our see you laters.. this was my first day in a year that i have not said good morning to the woman i am in love with

I will not give up on this woman..i just wanted to write this to give my story to let people know be patient… ill write back when were on the plane to kaui for our honey moon ha ha

I read your post and have been thinking about it recently. I really like your story because whatever happens you have learn't so much but I do understand where you are coming from, You want HER to benifit from your change. I feel for you I really do and I hope it does go the way you would like it to. I really dont have much advice for you seeing as most of it you have already done. I can only agree with what you have said: If they need space, Give it.

Thank you for asking about my situation, I was up and down to the doctors with mild depression because she was doing horrible things to my head. I broke up with her in the end because I didnt feel like I deserved it.

I still think about her a little but its not painful anymore. I know im better off without her its just the is an empty space now that her smile filled. Even though we werent on a break and actually broken up we both contacted each other once:

I rung her because I was missing her voice and just wanted to hear from her… I regret doing that and she contacted me to tell me that she will see me in a year because she is moving down here for uni.

All I can do is try my best to help other people, Being single isnt a bad thing and you will get over the pain, You can smile about it but it just takes a bit of time.

Thank you

Peter

It sounds like you feel that he will hold you back in some way. Also, having trust issues isnt a good start if you are off to college, I think whatever you decide to do you should decide before you go. Sorry I didnt have more possitive advice but sometimes you dont want people saying "It will all be fine".

Peter

Me and my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years are about 2 months into a "break". We dated for an amazing year, falling head over heals in love with each other before finding a place to live together. The problem, and I saw it back then, was that she started a new and extremely time consuming job when we made the move. I recognized it as a potential issue but thought we had found the best compromise by living somewhere around half the distance between our jobs (she drove over an hour one way, me about 45 minutes the opposite way). I also thought that our love would get us through anything.

Things started out great, I loved living with her. Falling asleep with her in my arms, waking up to her beautiful face and feeling like we were going to be together forever. I got too comfortable though and took the relationship for granted. Her job created a lot of stress in her life and she expressed the need for a change. She often talked about marriage, but I would avoid the conversation. Eventually the best I could tell her is that I do want to marry her, but not yet. I was reluctant because she was so devoted to a job where she worked all but 2 or 3 days a month. She was overworked and under payed. I hated her job because it just left such little time for us. And she wouldn't leave her job without a commitment from me. So around in that circle we went.

The last 2 months we were together we just kind of floated through life. Seeing each other for a few minutes here and there each day and arguing about not spending time with each other. Our once great sex life had basically disappeared. We never stopped loving each other though. Then she started looking for a place of her own near her work. She told me she wanted to move away and get her own life into a good place before even thinking of getting back together. For the first time since we were together she wanted to put herself first. The last time we saw each other before moving apart we couldn't say "I love you" enough. So one last tear filled I love you and a "see you later" (we refused to say goodbye) and we were on our own.

About 3 weeks went by with no contact before I'd say I hit rock bottom. Thinking of her 24/7, dreaming of her at night, wondering if she was doing well at her new place on her own. About 5 weeks in I broke down and called her. She was so happy living where she was. Being close to work, hanging out with co-workers, having time to join classes at the gym. While I was happy for her, it also broke my heart because it had been a long time since she was that happy living with me. I wondered if I had been dragging her down, would she realize she doesn't need me in her life? She said she still loved me and was missing me but needed more time on her own, "its only been a month" she said. The next couple weeks were harder still. I made what I see now was a mistake and sent her flowers at her work and called her again. She was furious. It's hard for her too she said, why couldn't I just give her time she asked. I've frustrated her before, but this was the first time I think she was ever really mad at me. It was also the first time since we first ever said "I love you" that she didn't end the phone conversation by saying it, but just said goodbye. And I've been a wreck for the last couple weeks since then. I've never been one to reach out for help. But now I'm talking with friends and family, and now even strangers about it. I hope and pray that she gives me another chance. I have learned so much about myself and what she means to me with this time apart. She's my world. She is my first girlfriend and my first for everything else that goes along with that. I know I made mistakes but I want HER to benefit from what I've learned , and not some other girl down the road. I can't even imagine being with another at this point.

So that's my story. I got it off my chest. It helps. NOW FOR MY ADVICE (caps to draw your attention since you're probably looking for any advice you can get). Use the "break" as a last resort. Communicate, communicate, communicate. I can't say that enough. It might help prevent the need for a break. If you can't avoid it and your partner says they need time, give it to them. Try to set something up where you can keep each other up to date occasionally. For me, "I just need time" was too vague and it was hard to wait for a phone call I wasn't sure was even coming. And although it doesn't really answer any questions, the saying "if it's meant to be it will be" is the best way to look at it. There's no good in beating yourself up over the past. Just look towards the future. To deal with the time? I write things down, that way if it works out I can show her what has been on my mind while we were apart. Exercise works off a lot of restlessness. I've never been in such good shape as I am now. And talk and look for advice wherever you can get it.

Peter, I see you've been responding to many posts but didn't notice an update on your situation in a while. How's it going?

He said that he needs to take care of his issues. (past relationship basically destroyed him, grieving his closest family member as we started to going out a little after the family passed etc)

we've been together for over a year, we were always happy, great together, barely fight, loves my son and my son loves him too. we were kind of instant family but very happy. but I found out that he wasn't committed to me fully. he was telling people he is single. He was flirting with girls, exchanging texts and phone calles. I've talked to these ladies but basically they were just flirts nothing else. so he started the therapy. I dont know the shrink suggested or this was his decision. but he told me that he wants to take a time off.
I know he value my existence, he cares about me and is still taking care of my stuff etc even we are on break. we are just not seeing each other since he doesn't come home to me anymore ever since. (its been 3 weeks)

he said he needs to do this to be able to commit 100% to me. if he doesnt do this now he can not love me or anyone 100%. he said he didnt have time or place to process his pain because we were always together. which it didnt make sense to me because as a couple I thought we go through tough time together. he also said if there is NO chance in us getting back together or he doesn't feel love for me then he would tell me its over instead of suggesting a "break"

How should I take this? Some of my friends says "he is telling you "break" and hoping you would move on because he is coward" some says "he just wanna see the other options" "he just want you to be there when he couldn't find anyone better than you" "he is going through tough time and truly NEEDS his alone time, so dont blow it"

I know many of you would say "give him more time" but I dont understand what the TIME would do to "US" I feel like more time and more alone time would only creates "look,im doing just fine without her" instead of "i dont wanna lose her"

I want to know what are the things going through "man"s mind when he felt that he needs alone time to deal with some issues on his own. I understand if we are having problems and issues between us, sure its good to clear things up like how you really feel about the person etc. but we didnt have no problems.

HELP!