planning mode
dating scene
You more than likely didn't intend for it to happen. But things just transpired, and now you find that you have developed feelings for your best friend's ex. Though it may feel like true love, you may be wondering if this relationship is doomed from the start. No matter how you feel, one thing is definite, if you date your best friend's ex, your friendship will undoubtedly be strained. In fact, your friend may feel an overwhelming sense of betrayal. This could be heightened depending on how much information your friend shared with you regarding his or her relationship.
Friends tend to confide in each other, especially during times of stress. If your best friend confided their feelings, problems, and relationship issues that they experienced with their ex with you, they may feel a strong sense of betrayal if you suddenly find the person who caused them so much pain as a potential mate. The fact of the matter is, unless your best friend is made of steel and completely over their ex, you may lose your friendship if you decide to become involved in a relationship.
According to those who deal with etiquette, it is definitely not appropriate to date your friends ex, unless you are ready to sever the friendship. However, there are exceptions. It is entirely possible that your best friend may realize during the course of dating, that you may be better suited for the other person. If this is the case, then you should feel free to date the person in question, since you obviously have your friend’s approval. Sometimes, a friend may even end the relationship and try to set you up with the other person. However, for this to occur, your friend must be adamant that they have no feelings towards the ex, and you should feel completely comfortable that your friend is in favor of your dating the ex. If you are a true friend, you will honor your friend’s feelings before dating his or her ex.
One of the greatest hindrances to dating your friends ex comes from the fact that over a period of time, your friend may grow suspicious and wonder when you and their ex actually began to develop feelings for each other. Even if you and the ex haven’t been involved, your friend may begin to develop suspicions and believe that you and the ex were involved in a relationship while they were dating. This can put a serious strain on any friendship and can cause a great rift.
If your friend still has feelings for the ex, you can rest assured that there will be trouble on the horizon. There is no way around it, unless your friend is 100% over their ex, your getting involved in a relationship with him or her is only going to lead to a troubled friendship.
(On August 24th, 2008 at 9:07 pm)
I dated a guy for 2.5 years and I still love him. 2 weeks after he felt the need to break up, he started dating a good friend of ours who was set to be my roommate. She is still my roommate (it's too late to change it now) but she (and the ex) feel like it doesn't matter. I was told it was none of my business. Needless to say I am hurt. Why would anyone do this?
(On November 13th, 2008 at 2:47 am)
how
(On January 1st, 2009 at 8:36 pm)
I really want to show this page to my best friend. I dated a guy for 4 months, and we were each other's first bf/gf. This guy started off incredibly charming and sweet, and then he started to ignore me, and the ignoring turned to rudeness (which was always followed by a "Just kidding!" mind you) 2 years (and 4 girlfriends later) my best friend now likes the guy. After this guy played me and 4 girls using the same technique, and my best friend and I used to laugh all the time about how we couldn't believe he was such a womanizer and how he got all the girls he did, she likes him! And I found out through GOSSIP this fact; she didn't have the guts to tell me! They had been texting each other secretly about their mutual feelings for each other. It just makes my blood boil that my best friend of six years couldn't be upfront with me, like I always am with her. So I told her I didn't think it was a good idea and that it would make things awkward, but that didn't stop her. They've been dating for a few weeks, and seeing them together just makes me angry. I know she's only going to get hurt in the end, and the terrible thing is that if she's not, and the relationship magically works, it'll make me even angrier. I want my best friend to be happy, but not with my ex. He's the lowest of the low! How could she do this? Sorry about the ranting…but it needed to come out!
(On May 27th, 2009 at 3:54 am)
I had this happen to me when I was 19, went away to university and I come home, having broken up with my ex to find him and my best friend were a couple having lied to me for 4 months about it as well. I tried the reasonable approach..I didnt want him, she was more suited blah blah but it couldnt take away the enormous feeling of disgust and betrayal, especially as we had been best freinds for 7 years. The friendship died down moer because she had issues with me and was jealous. Its in the past but i would think carefully as you will inevitably loose your friend over it, its not natural and there are plenty more fish in the sea.
(On June 15th, 2009 at 12:50 am)
my friend was dating this guy and she tld me things about their relationship & @ the time i didnt want him & the he started writing me & it just went 4rm there.. i really didnt want it to happen but its happpening..i dont know if it will go furher but if does i dont wanna hurt ny friend we have been thru soo much so we really dont need anymore drama..
(On September 17th, 2009 at 7:53 am)
Hi Everyone,
Mine (my story) is different. I never had an eye on my best friend’s girlfriend or his ex. It just happened that at the time when I was lonely the most, the nearest beauty around me and within my reach was my best friend’s ex-girlfriend – little did I know. Hope you will be patient with me while I try to relate this seemingly heartbreaking story of my one extraordinary life.
My friend is a vet and me, a mining engineer. We went to high school together and completed Grade 12 (Matric) together in 1992. He went straight to Medical School to study veterinary medicine. While I battled to find a career for myself. I had also wished to study medicine (MBChB) at the same school of medicine he attended but I was not admitted. So I idled around for a while.
In 1996, South Africa was booming with new fresh hope and opportunities for blacks. And this particular mine was advertising mining bursaries (scholarships) – and that was my breakthrough into mining.
My friend started practicing vet medicine in year 2000 in the Limpopo (Northern) Province of South Africa, our home province. Then I was busy with my mining diploma through Technikon Witwatersrand (based in Gauteng) and my practicals being based in the Mpumalanga (Eastern) Province.
The Dr served his internship while staying and living in our home province which sponsored part of his medical schooling. He met this girl in and around the capital city of the province called Pietersburg (now called Polokoane). She was probably at varsity then, busy with her BSc (Physics & Chemistry) at the largest provincial varsity – between 2000 and 2005. Only they know when and how they met and how long their affair travelled. The Dr then moved to Kimberley – the diamond town about 1300km south west of Pietersburg. That was the end of their lengthy flirt. He changed cell phone numbers, did not provide the girl with the new, started new convenient affairs and moved on with his life to the detriment and hurt of this girl. Girl must have been heartbroken then.
To cut the long story short, I graduated with my diploma sometime in 1993 and went on to work in the mines in various provinces until I headed back to home province.
The mining company i work decided to send me back to the same institution (now called University of Johannesburg) to top up my academic achievements with a Bachelor of Mining Engineering degree – this was to be 18months of intensive fulltime lectures as is.
I started last year (2008) and am finishing up in the next 2 months or so. On arrival here, I was lonely. And while I was busy searching for and buying second hand books, another longtime friend of mine (Electrical Engineer) connected me with his former classmate who was then selling a Mathematics textbook. This friend came with her friend (in question) to sell me the book.
She just looked so so beautiful and level headed and only God knows what? I shelved the idea of sweeping her immediately as my relationship with my then girlfriend was just nearing its end and on a rocky route. This year in early May (2009), I broke the ice just to find her lonely as well. Guess what – I won her into my arms. She’s mine as we chat.
However, two months down the line since May 2009 (that should be in late June versus early July, I initiated this particular conversation which came to be the nightmare of my love life. I started accusing my love for being too much of a Model C (a cheese girl – spoiled, had it all in her upbringing). And then related how I grew up as if I were a hero to have reached the mining engineer level I am appointed on now.
During this conversation I incidentally suggested that she may have been in love with my childhood and high school friend with whom we suffered together and began to relate the success story of my best friend.
It is here where we both discovered that My Best Friend (the vet) was her ex boyfriend she told me about on our first day of meeting. We got shocked but what could we have done then. We were both already obsessed with each one and couldn’t let go of one another.
We had already chatted plans about our future together, about how we were going to get married next year within our first 18months of meeting falling in love and move on happily ever after. We had to reach an agreement here, at this very point. And guess what? That agreement was that we stay together forever, for good. That this silly little fairytale will not break us apart from each one. that we will still go on, have children, get married, build a home for our kids, become together as one regardless.
And what will our friend say if and when he discovers this peri peri news? We agreed that we’re lucky to have discovered this deep iceberg and that we now can handle it better than if we had not known about it. That my best friend will still be my best man at my wedding next year. Unknown to him at his stage. We just did not say when we shall break the “good mouthwatering” news to him. And did not contemplate what his take will be on learning about this news? Anyway, he won’t know that we discovered earlier about this heaviest tip of the iceberg.
Better still, such a discovery was magical, how on earth are we supposed to have known that we both know someone who might be quite close to both of us? How are supposed to react if and when we meet him? How am i supposed to react when I have to go to a gentleman’s room (toilet) and have to leave the pair alone in a restaurant on his first visit to my home and his first discovery of this Mount Everest?
Much better still, should we now break apart because we both know someone who may have to issue a rubberstamp to our marriage of true minds? Does he have to rubberstamp my marriage anyway? He’s supposed to bless me like a friend but under the circumstance – should I expect him to still act as a friend and participate in my wedding affairs as if nothing “unbecoming” is happening?
Fellow human beings! I am at crossroads as in now. Eveytime I have to go to bed with her, i think of my best friend. This happens all the time just before engaging in sexual intercourse. In the malls, restaurants and anywhere else – i feel blessed and overwhelmed to walk and hug this beautiful woman. But the moment in question is the minute just before lovemaking. It makes me feel guilty, as if I am betraying my best friend. I always ask myself: What is my duty now that i am aware that she’s my best friend’s ex? Is she guilty of having been head over heels with my best friend? After all, I am the one that started this whole lovey dovey movement.
I guess I deserve the services of a shrink? In fact, I am consulting one sooner.
Thanks for being a pleasant audience – writing this piece has relieved me of a heavy load somehow. Makes it easier to walk away from this pc feeling human again and not like a best friend’s ex girlfriend’s boyfriend i mostly feel.
My emotions on this topic – never end. And thanks! Peace!
Eishhhhh. . . . . . . . . . . .Why me?
Frans
(On November 6th, 2009 at 8:45 pm)
I dated my ex for 3 years and we've been broken up for about 3. My roommate and best friend for 1 year asked me a few months ago if I cared if they started dating after they randomly hooked up at a party. I said I didn't care. I realize now that I had only forgotten her, not gotten over her. Since she started hanging out around the house and with me I've started feeling extremely uncomfortable. I confronted each of them separately and told them I was very uncomfortable with it. They say that they gave me a chance to say no and now after 2 months it's too late and they're going to pursue a relationship. I'm feeling like it could cost me a friendship, as well as I may have to move out
My suggestion to anyone reading this is: Even if you don't think you have any emotional ties to the girl, tell your friend not to do it. There are girls everywhere, and even if you don't think it's a problem now it could be in the future when it's too late to do anything about it.