planning mode
dating scene
When do you finally realize it's time to let go of a former flame?
…After you were thrown in a holding tank for a night because you were stalking him and his new girlfriend – oh, and you keyed his brand new Mustang convertible. Um… you may have broken the window to his apartment, too.
Yes, this scenario actually happened, and it was the most humiliating moment of my life. I never thought I could be that obsessed with a guy that I would get thrown in JAIL over it. I was just so distraught over our breakup that I refused to accept that he didn't love me anymore. I was worse than any of those guys who never took the hint when I'd break up with them – I KNEW we were broken up, but I didn't care. I wanted him back, in a bad way.
Ladies – if you find yourself stalking an ex boyfriend, it's time to sit down, break open a pint of Ben and Jerry's and watch Casablanca until you can't cry anymore. It's one thing to pine for what could have been, but it's another thing entirely to throw rational behavior to the wind.
After my first real boyfriend broke up with me, I was a complete wreck. I didn't think anyone would ever love me again, or that I could possibly open up my heart to another man. My hope in romance was dashed. I spent countless hours sobbing in my bedroom, and when I wasn't doing that I was a mute vegetable, unwilling and unable to get my life back in order.
I lost friends, I lost my job – I hit rock bottom before I realized what I was doing to myself. One day, I woke up and thought, "Hey! What the hell am I doing? It's only a man! There are plenty of men who will come along!" It took me about a week to get back to my normal self, but guess what? I did it! (The stalking part came later… with a different relationship… but I digress.)
What I'm trying to say is that, when you love someone, losing that person can break your heart. But if the relationship doesn't work out, you have to let him go.
Here's what worked for me. I started keeping a journal – no, not one of those free online "journals" you can write a bunch of emo stuff in and have strangers sympathize with you. I bought a beautiful hardbound journal from the local bookstore and a brand new set of pens. Then, every morning, I would write how I was feeling that day. I'd write how angry and frustrated I was at my former boyfriend… how much he hurt me. Eventually, my entries started turning more optimistic, more "You know what, life goes on." I began to heal my emotional pain, and realized that slowly but surely I was starting to get over him.
This might not work for you, but experiment until you find something that does. I guarantee that moping around the house, getting thrown in jail or losing your life over a boyfriend isn't worth it. You WILL find love again – but you have to know how to get over him first.
(On May 2nd, 2008 at 5:13 am)
OK. This is a beaut. First, I'm hurting. I had a 2 1/2 year affair with
a younger woman (12 years younger). I have children. It happened one
night after a party, and I fell in love with her. I spent many nights
with her, and we became best friends.
As the relationship got more serious, she wanted to know when I was
leaving my wife. I really didn't have an answer, because everytime I was
ready to leave, something came up. This kids are young, and I didn't
want to walk out on them.
We would talk on the phone all day when we were apart. The times that
she did end it, she always came back and the same with me. We were crazy
about each other.
As I started the divorce preceding, she started to pull away. Said that
she didn't believe me, and that she was losing faith in my. She also
told me, that she was starting to resent me.
I went over her house on a Thursday,had coffee and told her that I was
leaving my house, and wanted to move in. She was very apprehensive and
was angry that is was going to happen now. She said that she begged for
a real spot in my life,and when i couldn't do it, she shut down.
She shut her phone off for 3 days, then ended the relationship via text
message. I tried texting her and calling her, but she never responded.
I sent her a card. Nothing. Finally, she called me 2 weeks later, and
we talked for 1 1/2 hours and it went well. She was very calm, and the
anger she had toward me for so long seemed gone. She said that she
thought of me everyminute of every day and missed me. She also said that
she wasn't seeing anyone. I heard rumors that she was (A guy 6 years
younger then her)
I texted her a few times that I loved her but didn't call her. Finally,
1 week after our great talk, she texted me that she was seeing some
new guy. I texted her back and she called me and said that shes not
sleeping with him.
I left it alone, and called her 4 nights later, and sure enough the new
guy is over the apartment. She said that she told me that she was
going to resent me, and that how she felt. She also made a point to tell me
that A-hes fun,B-hes nice,C-she likes him, D-he has no kids. Then she
hung up on me. I have not called her or texted her back.
Now, is it too late to ever get this girl back?I moved out of my house,
and have been staying with a friend. I think its too little, too late.
I cant help but think that this new relationship is a rebound thing.
Did I lose her forever? Should I just leave her alone?
(On May 6th, 2008 at 10:07 pm)
I suggest you read the book He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Sounds like your girlfiend has some commitment issues.
(On May 16th, 2008 at 12:07 pm)
Jake,
From your comment, I can surmise a couple of things. First, perhaps the woman you had an affair with enjoyed the relationship with you, but never wanted to take it to the next level. She TOLD you she wanted you to leave your wife, but in her heart and mind she figured you never would and she liked it better that way. So, when you told her it was finally going to happen, she got scared and withdrew into herself, thus avoiding you.
Because your marriage wasn't working, you may have thrown yourself into the affair wholeheartedly and without thinking about whether it was truly something the both of you wanted. She obviously has commitment issues, and now you are left hurt and confused by her complete dismissal of you.
I wouldn't waste any more time trying to contact her. It's apparent that she no longer wants to be with you (at least for now) If and/or when she decides she DOES want a relationship with you, I would suggest letting her come to you.
I know it's an extremely painful situation you are in right now, but you need to start thinking about what's best for you – even if what you think is best might not be a reality right now.
(On May 30th, 2008 at 3:25 pm)
First of all, having an affair is not a nice thing. Actually, it disgust me. Did you ever stop to think the pain you caused to your wife?? May be the pain you feel is comparable to what you did to both of these women. Karma is a bitch!
I hope you have learned your lesson well and you will never play these games again. Learn to be truth to your heart and honest to people.
Now, to get over her you have to appologize to all the people you have hurt (her, exwife, kids, family, etc) and mean it. Then forgive yourself. Accept what you did and its consequences. Get wiser and try to be a better person. Do not call/ text/ see her. Get rid of anything that reminds you of her. Get back to a social life. Start doing things you enjoyed that you mightve given up bc of work or family or affair. In time you will heal.
That's my best advice
(On September 6th, 2009 at 4:18 pm)
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