planning mode
dating scene
Post Count: 12
Thursday, December 6th, 2007
Categories: Advice For Women, Dating Advice
- No related posts
A few years ago, I went on a date with a man that I knew I didn't have anything in common with. He took me to a nice restaurant, and then we went for a walk along the beach. Even though I knew I wasn't attracted to him, I couldn't say no when he'd asked me out. Why? I didn't know it then, but my habit of being unable to say no would dictate future relationships, to the point where I would end up hurt, miserable and ultimately alone.
Why do women (and oftentimes men) go to such extremes to please someone – even someone they're not necessarily compatible with?
It wasn't until I started researching relationships and how men and women communicate with one another that I started realizing I am allowed to say no – that I wasn't being mean when I said it, but rather letting the other person know I just wasn't interested. Had I said no to the man who asked me out, I wouldn't have had to deal with fending off a goodnight kiss, and a second-date invitation. I would have saved BOTH of us a lot of trouble, and ultimately spared his feelings by letting him know I wasn't interested from the get-go!
If you find yourself caught in a constant struggle saying no, it's high time you do something about it! The word "no" has such negative connotations associated with it that oftentimes, we refuse to say it simply because of the fear of being looked at as rude, selfish, or downright mean. In a lot of situations however, "no" can actually be a GOOD thing!
Let's take my scenario of the man I accepted a date with – a man who I just wasn't interested in. Because I was too afraid to say no, I led him on. I made him believe I had an interest in him, when in fact I was just willing the night to be over. Had I said no in the beginning, I would not only have saved myself the trouble of fending him off, but I would have spared his feelings as well! Rejection hurts anyone, but it's much easier to recover from a "no" after asking someone for a date than to recover from someone who has led you on the whole evening!
If you want to say no and mean it, here's how: tactfully, but directly state that you just aren't interested. Don't fidget, don't act nervous, and don't soften the blow with a giggle or a nervous smile. This only serves to downplay your no and actually make it seem like you aren't entirely sure. Remain confident in your decision and be firm – and you can say no and mean it without truly hurting the other person's feelings and saving face.
(On April 4th, 2008 at 2:05 pm)
This is true – great article! I went on a couple of dates with a guy recently. When he first asked me out, he seemed nice enough. The first date was a disaster – conversation fell flat – no chivalry. He called to apologize (there were some issues at work) and even though inside I had a sneaking feeling that I shouldn't accept a second date, I did. The second date was ok, but not that great and I had to fend off the "kiss." He called a couple of days later and I told him that I wasn't interested in a physical relationship. He listened and seemed to understand, then he asked me to go out for a coffee the next day. I was caught off guard and foolishly agreed. Well, the third date was pretty bad – conversation was horrible AND he had the roving eyes for other women – which I found to be pretty disrespectful.
It was then that I realized I made a huge mistake and should have listened to my instincts. When he called for a fourth date, I let him know that I wasn't interested. He thought things were going well. In retrospect, I should followed my gut feeling and called it quits after the first date (or maybe the second).
It would have spared some hurt feelings if I had.