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dating scene
Post Count: 12
Friday, December 14th, 2007
Categories: Advice For Women, Relationship Advice
Everyone goes through a period in their relationship where things seem to sour. Maybe your partner doesn't seem interested in spending time with you anymore, or perhaps he's so focused on other obligations he doesn't have time for you. Before you pack your bags and get the heck out of dodge, you should know that this type of behavior can actually be normal in a long-term relationship. I know – shocker, right?
Honestly, I experienced the same thing in my last relationship. At first, I thought I did something to cause my boyfriend to draw into himself. We weren't spending nearly as much time together as we did in the beginning of our relationship, and he seemed content to do his own thing. Little did I know that what he was doing was simply reverting back to what he USED to do before we got together!
Think about it like this. After a certain amount of time (I was with my boyfriend for 10 months when I start noticing this behavior), the two of you settle into a comfortable routine. At this point, it isn't about impressing the other person – you've already established a relationship, and both of you have accepted the other for who each of you are. Now, people (men, especially for some reason) realize that you aren't going to up and leave anytime soon. At this point, they can start incorporating some of the activities they used to be a part of before they entered into the relationship with you.
In actuality, while one partner might be upset or confused by this behavior, it's usually completely normal! The problem arises when you are expecting more than what your partner is giving you. When my former boyfriend seemed to pull away from me, I confronted him about our future together. He was completely confused, because to him what he was doing was normal. He told me that because we'd been together for so long, he didn't think it was a bad thing to have a night or two to himself every week so he could do what he used to do before we got together.
After I thought about it, I realized it wasn't a bad thing at all – I could use some ""me-time,” as well! While we managed to pull together, you might need to evaluate your relationship and what you want from it. Having some time apart from one another can be very healthy, both mentally and emotionally.
There's no golden rule that states couples must spend every waking moment of their lives together! A little separation can go a long way, and when the two of you finally do get together, the time spent apart will be worth the reunion.
(On January 22nd, 2008 at 12:33 pm)
So far so good, I'm going through the sam thing with my partner. She feels trapped and a disconnect, like we do not have the same goals. She's not sure about wanting marriage or kids, and I made it clear early on that that's what I want, however I did not make it clear that that's not a be all and end all of what would make me stay or be ultimately happy.
She doesn't want to break because she's afraid if it doesnt work out it will ruin my life. I buckled down and told her if she needs time apart and doesn't want to feel obligated the only guarantees I would want would be to know ahead of time if she's going to be away and the loyalty aspect, of which i have no question there is there.
I don't know if i'm doing things right, but I swallowed my pride and am trying for more trust than reliance.
We've been together almost 7 years now, living together almost 6. She really doesn't communicate well, but she cares for me so much that she passes up her life because she thinks that's what I want.
I just hope I'm taking the right route.-
(On January 29th, 2008 at 4:09 pm)
I hear that.. im going through the same thing, my girlfriend and i have been together for a year and a half and just now she is starting to require some "ME" time and only wants to get together 2 or 3 days a week, im very alarmed by this but i just want to make her happy so we can be together for a long time, we both want kids and to get married and such but im not comfortable with seeing her only a few days a week as compared to everyday we spend with eachother, i mean i have friends and can easily find other things to do but i dont want to be worried about loyalty.. ive never had a problem with loyalty and her before.. but we are young and bad decisions are a staple of my generation
any help?
-Soul.
(On February 10th, 2008 at 7:05 pm)
I'm going through the same thing with my boyfriend. We've only been together 4 months and its the first time I started dating again since I broke up with my ex which was a 3 yr long relationship. My ex demanded time from me and I needed my space as I was going to school and working full time. Now that I've graduated, I met this new guy who is fabulous and going to school and working, but doesn't call me as much as he did in the beginning. When we see each other, its great but confusing. I actually thought he was seeing someone else but luckily when I confronted him he looked at me like I was nuts for thinking such a thing. Its good to know theres other people in the world going through the same thing and its normal. Funny- when you get what you want (space), it comes at the wrong time lol
(On February 12th, 2008 at 3:50 pm)
I hear you! I guess when it comes down to it, it's all about trust. When you finally get your space, or when your partner wants his or her space, it's easy to resort to "non-trust" mode. It takes a lot of trust to let your partner enjoy their free time (without having to look over their shoulder to see their partner spying on them). But really, isn't that the sign of a healthy relationship- when your partner can have their own life, own hobbies, and interests and still come back to you?
It's kind of like that old poem, "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."
(On February 27th, 2008 at 3:15 pm)
I am going through this! We have been together almost 5 months, and he is busy with work and school. I see him maybe once or twice a week. I felt like he found someone else, and when I asked him about it, he said I was talking crazy. He assured me that I was his girl, and he has made an effort to call me to let me know he is thinking about me when we aren't together. I am still feeling a litte neglected, so I haven't made much effort to call him lately. Last night he said it made him feel bad, that maybe I don't think of him as much as I used to. I haven't admitted to him that the ringtone for him on my cell is "Can't Stop Thinking About You". =)
(On April 15th, 2008 at 11:34 am)
im going through this as well with my b of 1year and 7months we have a child together and things have been great but latery he is been non communicative doing things without including me goes out with friends and works till late at night so whenever he gets home he avoids tolking to me so things aren't that great anymore and we argued and i finaly asked him that maybe we should take sometime apart but he sounded as if he wanted to leave and his responce was i will pack next week and leave so we are not tolking at all and im not sure whats going to happen.
(On April 25th, 2008 at 6:30 am)
thanks….makes me feel better. we have been together for 7 months and live almost 2 hours away from each other, in the last two months we get to see each other every couple of weeks…he is a very busy man with his business and rental properties. the first couple of months he would make the effort to see me every week sometimes 2-3 times a week, so i was starting to worry he lost interest.
(On May 1st, 2008 at 6:57 pm)
these past few weeks was really hard for me coz my boyfriend started spending more time with his friends than with me. I thought it's not normal bcoz i expect him to miss me that much after working abroad and not seeing each other for 9 mos. but then, i realized i wasn't just the only one who's experiencing this…and it's just completely normal! thanks so mux!
(On June 14th, 2008 at 10:43 pm)
My husband and I have been together for 6 years now and married for one. We have a beautiful 4 year old daughter together. we have recently been 'out of sorts' in our relationship and my husband wants us to spend more time apart. He wants to go out to the bars drinking with this one friend in particular, who can't be trusted. He just wants to spend more time apart. We have recently been discussing how we thought the problem lies in the fact that we don't make enought time for each other…now he wants to spend more time apart. what really saddens me is that the activities he wants to do away from me don't include our daughter in any way either. So in fact he wants time away from US, not just me. He swears that he wants nothing to do with anyone else and isn't interested in finding anyone new. He says he definitely doesn't want a divorce….I'm confused. I don't know another couple who's spouse goes to bars to drink with his Sinlge buddies…it's just not done. I just have no idea what to do, or say, or feel other than sad.
(On July 17th, 2008 at 2:59 pm)
Hello to Jodi,
I have been married for 5 years to the love of my life. He goes out almost every night of the week with his friends. He comes home every night to me though … very late but always comes home. I am not worried that he wants someone else, he enjoys hanging out with his friends that is all it is. When this first started I thought he was cheating so I would call him just to see if he answers his phone, I woudl drive by where he was just to see or I would go with one of my friends to the place I knew he was at. He was always hanging with his friends, my suspisions were wrong. Once I realized that him being with his friends was such a big part of his life that he did not want to end I calmed down and realized that I too have things I did not want to end such as hanging out with my friend or have some time to myself. Girls often think the worst of men when they want to hang out with their friends – most the time uncalled for. It is simply hanging out and if you do not trust the person to be away from you then you should evaluate why before assuming they are cheating. Possibly it is that you have been cheated on in the past or you have some thought that men must be with their partner every second… I would hate to be treated that way (I would feel traped) and I am sure he does too. If you can just step back and look at your relationship with your husband and ask yourself do you make him happy? If he is happy at home why would he want someone else. This is what I did. When he comes home he is happy and content with the way our life is, why would he want to change that.
(On July 30th, 2008 at 4:42 am)
I am kind of in the position of the one who needs time apart. Im too afraid to ask this of my bf though. He gets very emotional and i do love him but i'm scared to hurt his feelings. There just isnt that spark anymore. He and I have different plans. He seems very comfortable sitting at home all the time but I am finding myself bored. I want to travel and do things and he doesnt. I really dont want to hurt him, but my heart and my head are telling me different things i feel like having time apart will seperate the two for me.
(On August 1st, 2008 at 12:50 pm)
My girlfriend recently told me she thinks we just need some time apart. I didn't like the idea at first but now I think it will help our relationship. The only problem is i have a bit of a trust problem and just need some reassurance every now-and-then. What can i say to get the reassurance from her, but keeping it from sounding like i dont trust her?
(On October 1st, 2008 at 7:37 am)
I have met this man because he is a friend of my flatmate, so he comes to our house everynight. When we were together not very long, we both really like each other. Then he pulled away and said he is not ready for a relationship but he really likes me and want to hang out with me. I was fine but then everythimes he came to my place it was appeared to me that he always spent time with his friend (my flatmate who is a guy and they've been good friend for nearly 10yrs) so I got confused about the situation why he said he wanted to hang out with me but seems to be opposit to me. Later on I called it off because I felf really uncomfortable when he was there but I didn't feel he was there. I told him I don't hate him but I've been hurt because before we got together we agree that we would not have sex till we both ready but then we did and he pulled away with those reason even though he said he really likes me but I feel hurt. Well, back to the point. Since I asked him for a space and time to forget the bad part so I can be friend with him as he wants, he always come to my house but stay in the garage which set up to be another living room inside. Last week he came inside the house to give me the photos that he took it for me (he is a photographer) and that was the lastest time I saw him and have a very little words just says hi and thank you. Now he still stay inside the garage everytimes I'm home. I notice that he told me the true this time he needs friends because he just broke up with his x about 4 months when we got together and now is 6 months. I realized I feel better to have time out from him and because he is here everynight made me feel confused about why he can hang out with his friend but not me. Now I can see what he meant. I admit I love him and still have that feeling for him but to falling in love I think it take a lot of time for me. Sometimes I think why he doesn't want to make a move to me. But sometimes I feel this is good thing for me to see who he is as a real person instead of the beat part that everyone try to do when you start a relationship. I really have a feeling for him. When I think what I could feel if he is back to me now, I feel good but not feel completely right and that I got the answer may be I'm not ready for a relationship as well. I really want to have a good healthy relationship. I understand for some reason we get confused, insecure, etc. It could be because some of us probably have a bad exprerienced in the past, I did too. At the moment, I decided to take this opportunity to heal myself as well so I can have a good healthy relationship with him or with someone. Tomorrow he is going interstate with my flatmate and I was a bit upset and thought why he never had time for me like this. But after I really think about it I have to say to myself about the point that I want to be secure person and I have to learn to give him a trust. Otherwise, it will be useless to get back together. P.S. I was thinking he was seeing someone too but after months he always here at my house and spending time with his friend I think I should give him a trust and let's him free so if he came back when he is ready we could be happy together but if he found someone at least I will be a secure person for the right one that will come along.
(On October 1st, 2008 at 10:24 am)
Nat,
It sounds like you are making a move to become emotionally independent and secure. Good for you! I had a similar experience with a man I really had feelings for in the past and, like you, I simply had to let him go until if/when he decided he was ready for a relationship – and I was ready for one, too! The fact that you mentioned you do not feel "completely right" when you think about being with him indicates to me that you are not ready for a serious relationship with this man at this point. However, you seem to have realized that and I give you a lot of credit – it's hard to set someone free to be who they are when you have so many feelings for them! Bottom line? Keep doing what you are doing and allow both of you the time to figure out what each of you wants. If a relationship does eventually happen, it should happen because BOTH of you decide you want it.
(On October 12th, 2008 at 12:33 am)
Thank you SO much for this comment, this is exactly what my boyfriend of 3 years and I are going through at the moment. I'm glad to see that I'm overreaction (as I've taken the exact same stance as you had in your previous relationship) Thank you so much for writing this!
(On October 23rd, 2008 at 8:00 am)
i have been with my boyfriend for 10 months,we are both 22. we spend everynight together, go out together basically when we aint working we are together! We have just been on our second holiday for 2weeks! When we got back he went away for the weekend for his mates birthday. I missed him like mad! When he got back he was abit distant from me and it didnt really feel like he wanted to be around me. I confronted him one night and got upset and was asking why he was acting this way. He said nothing was up, but he did say maybe we spend to much time together then if this is what its like after spending 2 days apart! Later that night i asked him if thats how he really felt, coz if he wants some time apart, thats fine. he said no. fair enough i thought, all back to normal. The next day he was still acting weird and for a couple of days. So i text him one day telling him to be honest if he really does feel like he needs some space. He still said no! Then the next day he text me saying i need to talk to you tonite, i was like 'whats up', 'i dont know' he said. I asked 'are u finishing with me?' He replied, 'i dont know, i dont know what i want' I was devestated but have learnt that u cant make people want to be with you if they dont want so i just replied with i love u to bits and never want to loose you but i cant make you want to be with me so we can talk about it later. so anyway, when i got round there he tried to comfort me and i just pulled myself together and said just talk to me…
He is the kind of block that finds it hard to talk about his feelings.
at first he just said i dont know what i want? Then he was like i love u so much and never wanna break up! I was abit confused by now. In the end we came to the conclusion that we just spend too much time together and he needs some space to like play on the computer and stuff it wasnt even that he wants to go out and party with his mates. But he then told me to come back round his that night?!!?! This i didnt understand as he said he wanted time apart!?!?This all happened last friday, we didnt see eachover untill the sunday night and he admitted he missed me! He said that when he went away with his mates he didnt really miss me coz it felt like more of a break as we had spend 2 weeks joined to the hip'!We have also spent a few more nights apart since then and it does seem so much better when we do see eachother im just so worried that its still all going to end, i have told him this and he trys to reassure me in his own way! Its just now every time he gets abit quiet on me i get all paranoid! i do think he genuinally loves me as i gave him enough chances to finish it if thats what je really wants, im just scared that that is how he feels but doesnt want to hurt my feelings! help!!
(On November 10th, 2008 at 4:08 am)
mmm, ive stumbled accross this website in a bit o a delemia, i am with a partner who i absolutley adore, we have been to gether for over 8 years i have no doubt that he loves me and our child. I do have doubts as to whether he will stay in the long run. I dont neccesssarily need marriage but some sort of commitment, he tends to get confused by life, wanting to leave every 6 months or so, it is very hard on me as i keep it to my self but get very hurt when he does this, he wants to leave but cant seem to go! Some tomes the grass is greener on the otherside is the saying that pops into mind with my partner, not that he wants some one else but he worries there is a better life out there. I do listen to the saying that if you love some one let them go a nd all but it s hard when they keep coming back to only go again. I want to spend time wiht him yet he doesnt seem to feel the same is always concerned on having hm time, i work fulltime im a mother and as others would now its a big life but i still try and fit time in for him, why is it he does notwnat the same out of me?
(On December 22nd, 2008 at 4:46 am)
yeah my boyfriend and I have been together for four years and have two kids together so I'm at home looking after them and he works from home on his computer. I told him the other day that we don't spend anytime together anymore as a couple even though we actually see each other everyday, I miss him, yet he didn't seem to notice. When he does get off the computer he finds something else to do that never includes me. I know it's harder to find time for each other with the kids around too. So to keep a long lasting relationship going, how much time should we be spending together minimum?
(On March 30th, 2009 at 3:24 am)
Me and my boyfriend of 17 months broke up on thursday. He came home that night acting moody and wouldn't really talk to me. when i asked him what was wrong he told me to leave him alone. so i asked him if i had done anything wrong and he said no and also asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said he didnt know whether he loved me anymore. Anyway later that night he said he wanted to break up with me. i was devestated but we decided to stay good friends. The problem was we was spending to much time together everyday and staying at each others houses. I just spent saturday with him and stayed over as friends but we aren't seeing eachother this week. I just need to know whether this is the right thing to do. maybe taking some time apart is good. But he has deleted me as top friends on myspace and bebo and stuff and put himself as single. this really hurts to i know its silly but it does. Personally i think he needs some time away from me just so he can miss me and maybe think about being with me again but not spending as much time together this time..i just want him to say he loves me again. i dont know what to say to him when i next see him if he still hasn't changed the way he feels. Should i let him go or maybe talk to him about it. he is the type of guy that doesn't show his emotions very well. Does it really take about a month to stop loving someone because he was confessing his undying love for me last month. i haven't eaten anything since thursday and can't sleep and he doesn't seem at all bothered as to how much he has hurt me and i did everything for him. please reply !!!
(On April 3rd, 2009 at 6:09 am)
My boyfriend of 4 years decided that we needed to spend some time apart, but he still calls me everyday and tells me that he loves me, so I'm very confused. We wanted to take our relationship to the next level and move in together, and now he wants more space. Right now things are in complete limbo and I don't know how to ask him if our relationship is okay, or if this is just the 'beginning of the end'.
(On April 4th, 2009 at 12:00 am)
I am always very insecure feeling, and when my partner is not with me, i am always worrying that my partner is seeing someone else. what can I do?? I also want to get stronger and don't be so hard to live with, but i am still afraid that my controlled worrying can give my partner a lot of pain.
(On April 22nd, 2009 at 4:26 pm)
I've been feeling like my girlfriend doesn't want to spend as much time with me, and when I asked her about it, she got mad and told me that I was getting too selfish and was hogging her from her friends. After talking (and arguing) about it, we decided to take some time apart, maybe a week or two, and from what I've heard, it can be really good for a relationship, so i'm hoping that we'll stop fighting, and be close to eachother like we used to be. The one problem is that i still want to tell her that I love her, but she doesn't want me calling her. I'm really scared that she won't want me back, but i'm also hoping that this time apart is going to help us. I'm just really confused, and i dont want to lose her.
(On April 24th, 2009 at 6:58 pm)
I notice this is from a person who was in a former relationship, and all of 10 months, which is hardly LONG TERM. After 21 years of marriage we love to be together and we enjoy our time doing our own thing. But needing my "own space", or his needing his "own space" is selfish and an immature way to handle any problem. We work around each other’s schedules and if there's a conflict in schedules…so what? Mature people can handle being apart without lengthy or angry dialog… Maybe the whole “me” and “my” exchange is nothing more than a person's immaturity and insecurity coming out, and perhaps one or both are clueless about being in a long term relationship. All of you grow up. Real relationships are about us and ours…
(On May 7th, 2009 at 10:48 pm)
HI
Hope someone can help me with this one and tell me whether ive been a selfish person or not. Honest replies would be great:), never hurts to learn from mistakes, no matter how hard they are.:(
I met my partner 6months ago, and we have had a nice relationship, apart from a few rocky parts here and there. We both live seperately. I work fulltime 8-5 job and she is a mother of 2 at home, doing parttime study during the day. I own a house that is causing a number of problems, and is taking a large part of my time. I dont know when I last saw any of my friends since the relationship or much else.
When we spent time together we got on well and had a lot of fun together. We are limited in what we can do as we cant go out much etc.
We have not gone out much and generally only spend time at each others place watching movies or boardgames and talking etc.
She has increasingly mentioned how much she wants to see me more, and how im always busy and trying to desert her trying to get off and get my own stuff done.
I generally try and spend Wed, Fri and Sat and sometimes Sunday evenings with her. Always spend part of the weekend day together as well, but not the full weekend.
I dont have a lot of time to spare, and really try and make an effort to meet those days with her as I know they are important to her.
She says im too busy for a relationship, and yet friends and family have said the amount of time Im putting in is ok, however after reading lots of posts on this site im starting to think I need to see her lots more.
Dont get me wrong, I love spending my time with her, I just also have lots of other stuff happening in my life.
Am I too busy for her as she says and my life is full of chaos or is she being slightly unreasonable…or am I the wrong sort of person she is looking for?
I dont know what to do, she has said good bye to me tonight via txt, which is harsh, but not before bringing up the number of things Ive said id do for her, and didnt. I feel so bad after this, I mean well, yet I forget things, maybe cause of everything I have on in my life.
I love her and the kids so much, and its a totally different relationship to what Im used to in the past, where I honestly didnt make that much effort. I dont know why, shoot me
I have dated other woman, and anything over twice a week was too much for some of them, is it she is just different and wanting whats right, or im just being selish?
Is she right? Am I really too busy?
(On June 21st, 2009 at 8:35 am)
im unfortunately going through the same thing . we have been together for almost a year now and lately things haven't been the same as they used to be.we used to be together every chance we got but then recently my boyfriend has told me that he wants more time with his friends and he wants me to have time with my friends. at first , i felt like i did something wrong or that this whole thing would ruin our relationship but he assured me everything would be fine. then whenever we made plans for us to be together, it would only be for a very short time then he would tell me to come with him and his friends somewhere. its like he will never leave them. i dont know if i should stay with him because everything used to be great between us and now i dont think things will ever go back to the way they were.
(On September 15th, 2009 at 9:44 am)
My boyfriend and I are separated by quite a few years. We dated 6 months (after having known each other a long time) and then he moved in. 6 months later he started having panic attacks and decided he needed to be free. 3 months later he is back and wants to start over. This is what I have prayed for and now it is happening and I am scared and unsure. I know we love each other like crazy but how do I stay secure and not need him all the time? I want this to work but I feel too needy. How can I hold myself back and give him the space he needs?