Comments on: How to Spend Time Apart but be Closer than Ever http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/ Sun, 21 Mar 2010 22:22:16 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Michelle http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/comment-page-1/#comment-49605 Michelle Fri, 19 Mar 2010 01:22:46 +0000 http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/#comment-49605 My boyfriend and I are going through the "spending time apart" problem currently. We are both in college, 22, and we have only been dating 8 (very intense and meaningful) months. Unfortunately, I am the type of person who enjoys spending time with my significant other and I feel I get a lot out of life just being around him. He on the other hand, before we dated, was pretty much an intelligent loner – part of his charm. When we first began dating, he seemed lively, excited, and romantic about the relationship potential; but in the last two weeks, he has talked about needing to spend time apart, and feeling cornered - although he still assures me he loves me and loves spending time with me. This declaration is hard for him because he’s not the indulge-in-your-emotions type of “cave-man” (if you catch my reference). My difficulty arose because when he needed time apart he tended to push me away. When he pushed me away my automatic response was to spend more time together. This went on in a cycle; it created tension, stress, and big fights close together. Luckily, we've noticed this trend, I suggested we compromise and WE set up a schedule so that he can have whatever time he needs - and I can have the stability I need. This didn't go over so well, he just got out of a very intense scheduled life and wants to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. As immature as this sounds to me, I’ve come to the realization that I have been selfish and stubborn, (demanding he spend every waking – and sometimes not waking – moment with me) which was pushing him further away when my intentions were only to draw him closer and make our bond stronger. I realized I needed to suck it up; it was high time I picked up a hobby anyway. My previous philosophy in life is to do what FEELS natural and right because typically your body will tell you want you need (this I learned from one of my Neo-Freudian psychology professors; though I suppose she said it much more poignantly than I have it written there). I understand now that doing what FEELS right for me, and imposing it on another I love deeply, is hurting that person. The reason I am writing this is for others who may feel they are in the same catch-22 limbo, the chase-retreat-chase-retreat cycle. I have become confident through reading several of these posts, and a great one on how to handle it from my side. I think understanding the problem is the first step, if he says he (or she in some cases) needs space and still loves you, try to keep calm, try not to panic or make rash decisions, talk about it :D (don’t do what I did today and go through a hellish almost break-up - which btw completely undoes any work towards attachment in my case). I keep hearing a lot of issues regarding trust, however I’d like to speak to those who understand it isn’t always a trust issue – I just like spending time with the guy (I do love him, and he does make my days) and I’ll be graduating soon only to leave him behind to finish up school. I’m trying to make the best of our time. I’m sure this isn’t going to be an easy task, but having the reassurances of many posts and readings has made it easier to understand. I hope this helps anyone who reads this link ---> http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Being-an-Obsessive-Girlfriend <---- it has helped me. Overlooking the name of the article, which I feel is quite derogatory if they want female readers, there are some good plans. I intend to go full steam ahead, and the first thing I’m going to do is tell him I understand what he needs which may very well be the best foot I take forward in my future. :D GOOD LUCK ALL and don’t panic, misunderstandings happen :D My boyfriend and I are going through the "spending time apart" problem currently. We are both in college, 22, and we have only been dating 8 (very intense and meaningful) months. Unfortunately, I am the type of person who enjoys spending time with my significant other and I feel I get a lot out of life just being around him. He on the other hand, before we dated, was pretty much an intelligent loner – part of his charm. When we first began dating, he seemed lively, excited, and romantic about the relationship potential; but in the last two weeks, he has talked about needing to spend time apart, and feeling cornered – although he still assures me he loves me and loves spending time with me. This declaration is hard for him because he’s not the indulge-in-your-emotions type of “cave-man” (if you catch my reference). My difficulty arose because when he needed time apart he tended to push me away. When he pushed me away my automatic response was to spend more time together. This went on in a cycle; it created tension, stress, and big fights close together.
Luckily, we've noticed this trend, I suggested we compromise and WE set up a schedule so that he can have whatever time he needs – and I can have the stability I need. This didn't go over so well, he just got out of a very intense scheduled life and wants to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. As immature as this sounds to me, I’ve come to the realization that I have been selfish and stubborn, (demanding he spend every waking – and sometimes not waking – moment with me) which was pushing him further away when my intentions were only to draw him closer and make our bond stronger. I realized I needed to suck it up; it was high time I picked up a hobby anyway.
My previous philosophy in life is to do what FEELS natural and right because typically your body will tell you want you need (this I learned from one of my Neo-Freudian psychology professors; though I suppose she said it much more poignantly than I have it written there). I understand now that doing what FEELS right for me, and imposing it on another I love deeply, is hurting that person. The reason I am writing this is for others who may feel they are in the same catch-22 limbo, the chase-retreat-chase-retreat cycle. I have become confident through reading several of these posts, and a great one on how to handle it from my side. I think understanding the problem is the first step, if he says he (or she in some cases) needs space and still loves you, try to keep calm, try not to panic or make rash decisions, talk about it :D (don’t do what I did today and go through a hellish almost break-up – which btw completely undoes any work towards attachment in my case).
I keep hearing a lot of issues regarding trust, however I’d like to speak to those who understand it isn’t always a trust issue – I just like spending time with the guy (I do love him, and he does make my days) and I’ll be graduating soon only to leave him behind to finish up school. I’m trying to make the best of our time. I’m sure this isn’t going to be an easy task, but having the reassurances of many posts and readings has made it easier to understand. I hope this helps anyone who reads this link —> http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Being-an-Obsessive-Girlfriend <—- it has helped me. Overlooking the name of the article, which I feel is quite derogatory if they want female readers, there are some good plans. I intend to go full steam ahead, and the first thing I’m going to do is tell him I understand what he needs which may very well be the best foot I take forward in my future.
:D GOOD LUCK ALL and don’t panic, misunderstandings happen :D

]]> By: Amanda http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/comment-page-1/#comment-47705 Amanda Fri, 29 Jan 2010 01:36:09 +0000 http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/#comment-47705 I am going through the same thing. Me and my boyfriend are about 3 years apart, we have been together for almost 11 months and this is both our longest relationship. This is honestly the first time I have truely loved someone this much. We spend almost every single day together. We are hardly ever apart. I am "the only girl hes fallen this hard for" and he treated me so good and cried over me all the time. I know he was truly in love with me. I went through a phase that lasted about 3 months to where I felt like I wasnt in love with him anymore and i felt tired of being around him and i broke up with him a few times but not more than 2 days. I didnt want to be with him but i didnt want to hurt him; now i am completly over this phase i went through but now he's saying the same things hes saying he isnt happy anymore and that he doesnt want to be together all the time anymore. I started crying really hard infront of him a million times about this and he just looked away. it seems he cares nothing about me anymore. he says he still loves me and wants to be with me but he doesnt want to not be happy. theres just no spark there for him anymore. I am trying to give him his space by not texting calling or seeing him for a few days. he broke up with me the other night but i talked him into trying some space apart for a few days. I love him so much, we talked about getting married and having kids, we even already looked at rings and were planning to get engaged my senior year.Do you think he is just going through what i went through and he will get over this and be like we were or do you think he is really over me? Is it because we just spent way to much time together at home and hardly went out and did stuff or took time apart? I am really upset and confused and sooo worried. Any suggestions? I just want things back how they were :( I am going through the same thing. Me and my boyfriend are about 3 years apart, we have been together for almost 11 months and this is both our longest relationship. This is honestly the first time I have truely loved someone this much. We spend almost every single day together. We are hardly ever apart. I am "the only girl hes fallen this hard for" and he treated me so good and cried over me all the time. I know he was truly in love with me. I went through a phase that lasted about 3 months to where I felt like I wasnt in love with him anymore and i felt tired of being around him and i broke up with him a few times but not more than 2 days. I didnt want to be with him but i didnt want to hurt him; now i am completly over this phase i went through but now he's saying the same things hes saying he isnt happy anymore and that he doesnt want to be together all the time anymore. I started crying really hard infront of him a million times about this and he just looked away. it seems he cares nothing about me anymore. he says he still loves me and wants to be with me but he doesnt want to not be happy. theres just no spark there for him anymore. I am trying to give him his space by not texting calling or seeing him for a few days. he broke up with me the other night but i talked him into trying some space apart for a few days. I love him so much, we talked about getting married and having kids, we even already looked at rings and were planning to get engaged my senior year.Do you think he is just going through what i went through and he will get over this and be like we were or do you think he is really over me? Is it because we just spent way to much time together at home and hardly went out and did stuff or took time apart? I am really upset and confused and sooo worried. Any suggestions? I just want things back how they were :(

]]> By: Jenn http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/comment-page-1/#comment-42959 Jenn Tue, 15 Sep 2009 16:44:24 +0000 http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/#comment-42959 My boyfriend and I are separated by quite a few years. We dated 6 months (after having known each other a long time) and then he moved in. 6 months later he started having panic attacks and decided he needed to be free. 3 months later he is back and wants to start over. This is what I have prayed for and now it is happening and I am scared and unsure. I know we love each other like crazy but how do I stay secure and not need him all the time? I want this to work but I feel too needy. How can I hold myself back and give him the space he needs? My boyfriend and I are separated by quite a few years. We dated 6 months (after having known each other a long time) and then he moved in. 6 months later he started having panic attacks and decided he needed to be free. 3 months later he is back and wants to start over. This is what I have prayed for and now it is happening and I am scared and unsure. I know we love each other like crazy but how do I stay secure and not need him all the time? I want this to work but I feel too needy. How can I hold myself back and give him the space he needs?

]]> By: mariah http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/comment-page-1/#comment-39861 mariah Sun, 21 Jun 2009 15:35:36 +0000 http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/#comment-39861 im unfortunately going through the same thing . we have been together for almost a year now and lately things haven't been the same as they used to be.we used to be together every chance we got but then recently my boyfriend has told me that he wants more time with his friends and he wants me to have time with my friends. at first , i felt like i did something wrong or that this whole thing would ruin our relationship but he assured me everything would be fine. then whenever we made plans for us to be together, it would only be for a very short time then he would tell me to come with him and his friends somewhere. its like he will never leave them. i dont know if i should stay with him because everything used to be great between us and now i dont think things will ever go back to the way they were. im unfortunately going through the same thing . we have been together for almost a year now and lately things haven't been the same as they used to be.we used to be together every chance we got but then recently my boyfriend has told me that he wants more time with his friends and he wants me to have time with my friends. at first , i felt like i did something wrong or that this whole thing would ruin our relationship but he assured me everything would be fine. then whenever we made plans for us to be together, it would only be for a very short time then he would tell me to come with him and his friends somewhere. its like he will never leave them. i dont know if i should stay with him because everything used to be great between us and now i dont think things will ever go back to the way they were.

]]> By: Mike http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/comment-page-1/#comment-38008 Mike Fri, 08 May 2009 05:48:04 +0000 http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/#comment-38008 HI Hope someone can help me with this one and tell me whether ive been a selfish person or not. Honest replies would be great:), never hurts to learn from mistakes, no matter how hard they are.:( I met my partner 6months ago, and we have had a nice relationship, apart from a few rocky parts here and there. We both live seperately. I work fulltime 8-5 job and she is a mother of 2 at home, doing parttime study during the day. I own a house that is causing a number of problems, and is taking a large part of my time. I dont know when I last saw any of my friends since the relationship or much else. When we spent time together we got on well and had a lot of fun together. We are limited in what we can do as we cant go out much etc. We have not gone out much and generally only spend time at each others place watching movies or boardgames and talking etc. She has increasingly mentioned how much she wants to see me more, and how im always busy and trying to desert her trying to get off and get my own stuff done. I generally try and spend Wed, Fri and Sat and sometimes Sunday evenings with her. Always spend part of the weekend day together as well, but not the full weekend. I dont have a lot of time to spare, and really try and make an effort to meet those days with her as I know they are important to her. She says im too busy for a relationship, and yet friends and family have said the amount of time Im putting in is ok, however after reading lots of posts on this site im starting to think I need to see her lots more. Dont get me wrong, I love spending my time with her, I just also have lots of other stuff happening in my life. Am I too busy for her as she says and my life is full of chaos or is she being slightly unreasonable...or am I the wrong sort of person she is looking for? I dont know what to do, she has said good bye to me tonight via txt, which is harsh, but not before bringing up the number of things Ive said id do for her, and didnt. I feel so bad after this, I mean well, yet I forget things, maybe cause of everything I have on in my life. I love her and the kids so much, and its a totally different relationship to what Im used to in the past, where I honestly didnt make that much effort. I dont know why, shoot me :( I have dated other woman, and anything over twice a week was too much for some of them, is it she is just different and wanting whats right, or im just being selish? Is she right? Am I really too busy? HI

Hope someone can help me with this one and tell me whether ive been a selfish person or not. Honest replies would be great:), never hurts to learn from mistakes, no matter how hard they are.:(

I met my partner 6months ago, and we have had a nice relationship, apart from a few rocky parts here and there. We both live seperately. I work fulltime 8-5 job and she is a mother of 2 at home, doing parttime study during the day. I own a house that is causing a number of problems, and is taking a large part of my time. I dont know when I last saw any of my friends since the relationship or much else.

When we spent time together we got on well and had a lot of fun together. We are limited in what we can do as we cant go out much etc.
We have not gone out much and generally only spend time at each others place watching movies or boardgames and talking etc.
She has increasingly mentioned how much she wants to see me more, and how im always busy and trying to desert her trying to get off and get my own stuff done.
I generally try and spend Wed, Fri and Sat and sometimes Sunday evenings with her. Always spend part of the weekend day together as well, but not the full weekend.
I dont have a lot of time to spare, and really try and make an effort to meet those days with her as I know they are important to her.
She says im too busy for a relationship, and yet friends and family have said the amount of time Im putting in is ok, however after reading lots of posts on this site im starting to think I need to see her lots more.
Dont get me wrong, I love spending my time with her, I just also have lots of other stuff happening in my life.
Am I too busy for her as she says and my life is full of chaos or is she being slightly unreasonable…or am I the wrong sort of person she is looking for?

I dont know what to do, she has said good bye to me tonight via txt, which is harsh, but not before bringing up the number of things Ive said id do for her, and didnt. I feel so bad after this, I mean well, yet I forget things, maybe cause of everything I have on in my life.

I love her and the kids so much, and its a totally different relationship to what Im used to in the past, where I honestly didnt make that much effort. I dont know why, shoot me :(

I have dated other woman, and anything over twice a week was too much for some of them, is it she is just different and wanting whats right, or im just being selish?

Is she right? Am I really too busy?

]]> By: Nancy D http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/comment-page-1/#comment-37347 Nancy D Sat, 25 Apr 2009 01:58:00 +0000 http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/#comment-37347 I notice this is from a person who was in a former relationship, and all of 10 months, which is hardly LONG TERM. After 21 years of marriage we love to be together and we enjoy our time doing our own thing. But needing my "own space", or his needing his "own space" is selfish and an immature way to handle any problem. We work around each other’s schedules and if there's a conflict in schedules...so what? Mature people can handle being apart without lengthy or angry dialog... Maybe the whole “me” and “my” exchange is nothing more than a person's immaturity and insecurity coming out, and perhaps one or both are clueless about being in a long term relationship. All of you grow up. Real relationships are about us and ours… I notice this is from a person who was in a former relationship, and all of 10 months, which is hardly LONG TERM. After 21 years of marriage we love to be together and we enjoy our time doing our own thing. But needing my "own space", or his needing his "own space" is selfish and an immature way to handle any problem. We work around each other’s schedules and if there's a conflict in schedules…so what? Mature people can handle being apart without lengthy or angry dialog… Maybe the whole “me” and “my” exchange is nothing more than a person's immaturity and insecurity coming out, and perhaps one or both are clueless about being in a long term relationship. All of you grow up. Real relationships are about us and ours…

]]> By: John http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/comment-page-1/#comment-37229 John Wed, 22 Apr 2009 23:26:19 +0000 http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/#comment-37229 I've been feeling like my girlfriend doesn't want to spend as much time with me, and when I asked her about it, she got mad and told me that I was getting too selfish and was hogging her from her friends. After talking (and arguing) about it, we decided to take some time apart, maybe a week or two, and from what I've heard, it can be really good for a relationship, so i'm hoping that we'll stop fighting, and be close to eachother like we used to be. The one problem is that i still want to tell her that I love her, but she doesn't want me calling her. I'm really scared that she won't want me back, but i'm also hoping that this time apart is going to help us. I'm just really confused, and i dont want to lose her. I've been feeling like my girlfriend doesn't want to spend as much time with me, and when I asked her about it, she got mad and told me that I was getting too selfish and was hogging her from her friends. After talking (and arguing) about it, we decided to take some time apart, maybe a week or two, and from what I've heard, it can be really good for a relationship, so i'm hoping that we'll stop fighting, and be close to eachother like we used to be. The one problem is that i still want to tell her that I love her, but she doesn't want me calling her. I'm really scared that she won't want me back, but i'm also hoping that this time apart is going to help us. I'm just really confused, and i dont want to lose her.

]]> By: Jales http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/comment-page-1/#comment-36140 Jales Sat, 04 Apr 2009 07:00:56 +0000 http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/#comment-36140 I am always very insecure feeling, and when my partner is not with me, i am always worrying that my partner is seeing someone else. what can I do?? I also want to get stronger and don't be so hard to live with, but i am still afraid that my controlled worrying can give my partner a lot of pain. I am always very insecure feeling, and when my partner is not with me, i am always worrying that my partner is seeing someone else. what can I do?? I also want to get stronger and don't be so hard to live with, but i am still afraid that my controlled worrying can give my partner a lot of pain.

]]> By: Sad http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/comment-page-1/#comment-36106 Sad Fri, 03 Apr 2009 13:09:54 +0000 http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/#comment-36106 My boyfriend of 4 years decided that we needed to spend some time apart, but he still calls me everyday and tells me that he loves me, so I'm very confused. We wanted to take our relationship to the next level and move in together, and now he wants more space. Right now things are in complete limbo and I don't know how to ask him if our relationship is okay, or if this is just the 'beginning of the end'. My boyfriend of 4 years decided that we needed to spend some time apart, but he still calls me everyday and tells me that he loves me, so I'm very confused. We wanted to take our relationship to the next level and move in together, and now he wants more space. Right now things are in complete limbo and I don't know how to ask him if our relationship is okay, or if this is just the 'beginning of the end'.

]]> By: smiles http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/comment-page-1/#comment-35960 smiles Mon, 30 Mar 2009 10:24:42 +0000 http://www.planjam.com/weblog/2007/12/14/how-to-spend-time-apart-but-be-closer-than-ever/#comment-35960 Me and my boyfriend of 17 months broke up on thursday. He came home that night acting moody and wouldn't really talk to me. when i asked him what was wrong he told me to leave him alone. so i asked him if i had done anything wrong and he said no and also asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said he didnt know whether he loved me anymore. Anyway later that night he said he wanted to break up with me. i was devestated but we decided to stay good friends. The problem was we was spending to much time together everyday and staying at each others houses. I just spent saturday with him and stayed over as friends but we aren't seeing eachother this week. I just need to know whether this is the right thing to do. maybe taking some time apart is good. But he has deleted me as top friends on myspace and bebo and stuff and put himself as single. this really hurts to i know its silly but it does. Personally i think he needs some time away from me just so he can miss me and maybe think about being with me again but not spending as much time together this time..i just want him to say he loves me again. i dont know what to say to him when i next see him if he still hasn't changed the way he feels. Should i let him go or maybe talk to him about it. he is the type of guy that doesn't show his emotions very well. Does it really take about a month to stop loving someone because he was confessing his undying love for me last month. i haven't eaten anything since thursday and can't sleep and he doesn't seem at all bothered as to how much he has hurt me and i did everything for him. please reply !!! Me and my boyfriend of 17 months broke up on thursday. He came home that night acting moody and wouldn't really talk to me. when i asked him what was wrong he told me to leave him alone. so i asked him if i had done anything wrong and he said no and also asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said he didnt know whether he loved me anymore. Anyway later that night he said he wanted to break up with me. i was devestated but we decided to stay good friends. The problem was we was spending to much time together everyday and staying at each others houses. I just spent saturday with him and stayed over as friends but we aren't seeing eachother this week. I just need to know whether this is the right thing to do. maybe taking some time apart is good. But he has deleted me as top friends on myspace and bebo and stuff and put himself as single. this really hurts to i know its silly but it does. Personally i think he needs some time away from me just so he can miss me and maybe think about being with me again but not spending as much time together this time..i just want him to say he loves me again. i dont know what to say to him when i next see him if he still hasn't changed the way he feels. Should i let him go or maybe talk to him about it. he is the type of guy that doesn't show his emotions very well. Does it really take about a month to stop loving someone because he was confessing his undying love for me last month. i haven't eaten anything since thursday and can't sleep and he doesn't seem at all bothered as to how much he has hurt me and i did everything for him. please reply !!!

]]>