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It’s common logic that stress can wreak havoc on many areas of life, including work, school, and your physical/emotional health. However; how damaging can stress be on a romantic relationship?
Oftentimes, the effects of stress can manifest themselves in a relationship without either partner being aware of it. For example, I had a majorly stressed-out boyfriend at one time who would verbally abuse me for no apparent reason. He was overworked; bills were piling up, and there had just been a death in his family.
While at the time I took his abuse to mean he was no longer interested in me, in reality it was his stress about life that was harming our relationship. Rather than deal with the immense toll his worries were taking on his physical and mental health, he “dealt” with his feelings by lashing out at me.
Does this sound like a similar situation you may be involved in?
If it does, you need to become aware of your stress before it starts causing trouble in your relationship. Here are a few tips that may help you manage your stress more effectively:
TALK!
By communicating with your partner when you are experiencing stressful times, your partner will be more apt to understand when stress gets the better of you. While being honest about what caused your temper tantrum may not take away the pain it caused your partner, they will at least be able to better understand where your frustration is coming from, and that it’s not their fault you’re feeling the way you are!
Assess your Priorities
In order to reduce stress levels, it’s important that each area of your life is getting the attention it deserves. Don’t neglect your relationship, your work or anything else in favor of one specific aspect of your life.
By allowing appropriate time for each area of your life, you’re more likely to avoid any stress because everyone and everything is getting the attention it needs.
Don’t Neglect your Partner
While this goes hand in hand with assessing your priorities, it’s important that you don’t let stress take over your relationship. I had a hard time with this at one point; I was so consumed by familial stress that I (shamefully) neglected my partner, taking for granted that he would understand.
Fortunately, he did understand – but I learned how important it is to spend time with your loved one, especially in times of great frustration. Your partner may be able to take your mind off things for a time, and you’re given a sounding board to vent to!
Stress can ruin relationships if you let it; it’s important to keep a firm grasp on managing your stress levels. Make sure you communicate with your partner when you’re feeling frustrated, and try to recognize when stress might be harming your relationship.
You don’t want to learn the hard way that stress can kill an otherwise happy relationship in no time at all.
(On May 12th, 2008 at 1:22 pm)
I am currently the victim of a stressed out partner. She is neglecting me, in that she's not making any effort to talk to me or spend time with me. She has acknowledged this neglect but so far hasn't indicated that she will make any changes. It has gotten to the point that she admitted she considered breaking up with me (because she's not treating me fairly), but said that she hopes she will 'snap out of it' soon. We have been together a long time and haven't had any troubles until this last year when her stress intake has been upped considerably. Is there any advice you can give me to help nudge her along the 'snap out of it' route? How did you break out of the neglect cycle?
(On May 16th, 2008 at 11:54 am)
Jason,
I'm sorry to hear that you are currently in a relationship negatively affected by stress.
I'm speaking from personal experience here; it can be very difficult to simply "snap out of it." If your girlfriend isn't attempting to make any changes, I find it hard to believe that she will be willing to in the future.
Stress can severely damage even great relationships, and it sounds like that's happening to the two of you. I would try to sit down with her and have an honest conversation about what's stressing her out; all you can do is let her know you are there for her, and you would appreciate if she didn't neglect you when she's super stressed.
If she's unwilling to make changes, that leads me to believe that perhaps the relationship is no longer a priority in her life. Talk to her!
Good luck Jason – I hope you can work things out.
(On June 11th, 2008 at 5:49 am)
I need help, me and my boyfriend are both stressed out with money issues. We just moved into our new place it took me two days to move into the place but anyways all it seems like anymore is us fighting, I dont wanna lose him. He always ends up bringing the shit in the past before I met him up when we are fighting. He thinks I am going to leave him and I tell him I am not going to because I am a strong gurl, but then he threatens to leave me. Hes been calling me names lately blaming me for making him miserable. We have money for rent its 525 and he gets pissed because I gave my cousin 20 bucks to bring me home last night to find out the truth he didnt have any gas thats why he didnt come to get me. He tells me that he is going to go and get help because he has alot of anger problems but he never goes and does it. Another thing he moved me further from my cousins, I watch her kids, and then bitches and complains that he has to take me there when he has to work and get up early. I dont know what to do. I need help please!!
(On July 7th, 2008 at 12:16 am)
I find these comments very raw, I'm currently (I think) being dumped by my partner of 7+ years, whose stress levels virtually throughout our relationship have made for a rollercoaster ride….I'm not perfect, and my insecurity & inability to see past conflict have not helped me de-stress him (I take everything personally). So now of course I'm seen as the trigger for all his pain & he's refusing to even talk to me because I 'make him ill'…. how to remain anything remotely resembling positive is a nightmare which I can't see my way through at the moment. The one good thing is he's going to see my therapist – but not for another week, during which time I've got to live with & have him visit thinking he wants to split up…
(On July 9th, 2008 at 1:52 pm)
I'm going through a tough situation with my bf of almost 3 years.(we will be 3 years on July 29,2008) We are in a stressful situation because I am out of work due to a major neck surgery that was done in May. Money is tight and he doesn't work full time because he is a college student. Because of the stress of money, it has really gotten to him and he is constantly verbally abusive towards me such as cussing and name calling me for no apparent reason. For example if he couldn't find his shoe and if we didn't leave the house as soon as we woke up he would get extremely upset and blame me for all my medical problems and he will bring up the past, he will also say that I'm ruining his life and waisting his time. It has been like this for over a year and a half, and I don't know how much longer I can take this abuse. Every time something stressful happens in our life he always turns into this mean person and blames me for ruining his life(I'm a person who was brought up in an abusive poor home and he has been brought up in upper middle class home)
I am so confused because he says he loves me and he says he acts like this because of the situation.
I am scared to ask him about anything because he snaps out,for example I asked him today to take me to target so I can get bare essentials for the home ex:toilet paper, toothpaste, food etc. and so he snapped at me calling me names and he stormed out. I cannot get it myself do to my disability.
So am I supposed to get abused this way every time something doesn't go perfect?
We tried self help books- men are from mars women are from Venus and it didn't help.
Now most of the time when he gets mad and abuses me he starts to drink heavily, and i think he is becoming an alcoholic.When he is in that state he is very depressed and he apologizes to me.
I love him but i just don't know if love will hold up.
what are your thoughts?
thank you for your help.
-lily
(On August 19th, 2008 at 4:31 pm)
I am having a really tough time in my relationship right now. I am not having any fun anymore. My boyfriend is stressed out due to money issues and school. He seems to take a lot out on me and is very demanding. He doesn't seem to understand that it is hurting me. I am 22 and have been in this relationship for 8 months now. I know that this is usually the "make it or break it" time but I am having a hard time figuring out if this is something I want to put an effort into saving. He isn't interested in sex anymore (for the past 3 months). I have tried to bring up these issues and we seem to talk them out pretty well but it doesn't stop him from verbally lashing out at me and hurting my feelings. When I ask for 10 minutes of his time just to be with him or to be held, he takes it as "I want to have sex" and gets defensive. All I want is some attention. He seems willing to try to work things out but I am not sure if I should invest any more time in this relationship.
In the beginning everything was wonderful and blissful. Everything went downhill when the stress was added. I just want another opinion other than my own. Does this sound like a situation worth working on? Or should I just move on?
Thank you
Jessica
(On November 19th, 2008 at 3:21 am)
Dear Denise,
I really like your blog & relationship advice & could really use your help or perspective. I'm wondering if you've ever encountered a problem like the one i'm having w/my BF.
Basically, I think my boyfriend is being really pissy over something I didn’t think was a big deal. We were talking the other day about sports we no longer take part in but used to enjoy and I mentioned that I used to do judo in college and was pretty good, even though I only received a beginner’s yellow belt.
He thought this was hilarious because I’m tall and blond and in appearance very "girly"…I only weigh around 125lbs, and I guess he didn’t think that a pretty girl could fight her way out of a paper bag, much less do a martial art.
So when he got done laughing at me (he really was laughing, and making fun of me) I challenged him to a wrestling match. Long story short, I used some timely leg sweeps and wrist throws to send him to the floor a few times, and after a while he got so tired out that his strength advantage was gone, and I was able to pin him.
Well, I figured he would have learned his lesson, but he’s totally bent out of shape about it…he’s been pouty and obnoxious ever since the match and keeps challenging me to a rematch, saying I got lucky, and that he wasn’t trying hard…all this stuff to protect his macho ego.
So what do I do? Give him a rematch and let him win? (He would totally rub it in my face and say things like “I told you women can’t fight”). Or agree to a rematch and try my best again, risking another blow to his ego if he loses? Or just refuse and tell him to deal with it? (I’ve tried that last option and he just won’t let it go).
And Denise, please tell me-–have YOU ever beaten a guy at something physical and had him react this way?
Please advise!
- Jennie
(On November 20th, 2008 at 2:08 pm)
Jennie,
Let me preface my comment by saying I think it's ridiculous how your boyfriend is acting over this. However, as ridiculous as it may be, the fact of the matter remains that you challenged his macho tough-guy act – and won. Bravo for you, not so good for his male ego.
With that being said, there are a lot of men who are very uncomfortable with the idea that women can beat them in a physical activity. I don't know whether it's some hardwiring from our evolution or the way society tells men they're supposed to be, but that's the way it is.
Now, you've obviously shown your boyfriend that you can be his equal (even better) than him in physical activities. What you should do about his behavior is a little tricky. I HAVE been in this situation before and instead of caving and giving into his egotistical crap, I simply told him to grow up, stop acting immature, and if he refused to do it I would find someone who could handle me. That shut him up really quick.
Honestly, if talking and telling him to act like an adult isn't doing the trick, I'd just accept his challenge – and kick the crap out of him for his poor attitude! However, you probably want to preserve the relationship so my only advice to you is to let it go and stop responding to his whining and bickering.
I hope that helps a little – let me know how it goes?
(On November 21st, 2008 at 3:08 am)
Denise,
Thank you SO much for getting back to me w/your thoughtful comments…I really do appreciate it.
To be perfectly honest, I don't know right now if this is a relationship I want to preserve just b/c of this infantile attitude of his…I've NEVER seen this side of him b4, and it makes me think he's not the guy I thought he was.
Plus, the more comments he makes about women being weak and me being "lucky", I'm more tempted to prove him wrong and give him the rematch he wants. (He really won't let this go, and he also says now he was "taking it easy on me" the first time we wrestled).
I will have to mull it over and try talking to him some more.
Would you mind terribly if I ask–when you say you have been in this kind of situation b4 w/a guy–was it something of a direct physical combat nature–like judo or karate or arm wrestling or the like–or was it that you beat a guy playing tennis and he couldn't deal?
I ask b/c the only thing that makes me sympathize w/my BF at all is that i did beat him in hand to hand combat…which is maybe worse for his ego than like, bowling or something, you know? So maybe i'm feeling some guilt over that but he really was asking for it.
I'm curious b/c it sounds like in your case your ultimatum worked!
I look fwd to hearing from you when you get a chance…thanx so much!
Jennie