PlanJam!From your screen to the scene

None of us like it when we're not listened to…in fact, it pisses us off. Even if what you're trying to say isn't of urgent importance (or any real importance at all), when somebody doesn't listen to you, they're telling you that they don't care about what you have to say. They're telling you, basically, that they don't respect you. And it probably makes you want to hit the non-listener over the head with a heavy skillet. Maybe one full of messy, half-scrambled eggs.

Ah, but aren't you a hypocrite? You hate when others don't listen to you, but…do you always listen fully to others? Unless you're some kind of saint (or a mute), you probably don't. And how about the way you feel when you know that others are not listening to you? Well, your date feels that way, too. Want to avoid filling your date with the desire to concuss you with a skillet? Start by:

1. Really listening. Yep, learn to listen by…listening. Stop thinking about being a good listener or making a good impression or how much that rash on your left butt cheek itches, and just…listen. This means teaching yourself to ignore any distractions and focus fully on the person speaking. Is the couple at the table next to yours having an entertaining fight at dinner? You've got to learn to block it out, clear your mind, and really listen.

2. Looking like you're listening. Now, I'm not talking about pretending you're listening. Instead, I'm saying that appearing to listen will not only tell your date that you're connecting with what they are saying…it will also help you to actually connect. So especially if you're not naturally a good listener, sit facing your date and make eye contact. You'll probably find that, if you look like you're focused on your date, you will be.

3. Opening your mind. Sure, you might not be into art and paintings. But if it's something your date wants to talk about, the best thing you can do is open your mind and try not to dismiss it as a boring topic. Opening yourself up to new topics can do more than make you a good listener – it can also be very rewarding.

Look at it this way: sure, you're not into museums and don't get excited about paintings. But when your date is talking about why a particular painting was so emotionally moving, he or she will be telling you a lot more than the name of a favorite artist. They'll also be telling you about the way they look at the world. No matter what they're talking about, your date is often telling you something bigger the topic seems to contain. Learn to pay attention.

4. Learning not to pass judgment. We all have opinions and ideas, and we know how we feel about things. So when we hear another person talk, all of those prejudices and judgments come into play. "That idea is stupid." "Well, she's just wrong about that." "That's certainly not how I was raised!"

Part of being a good listener is training yourself not to think those things. Instead, just listen to what your date has to say, and absorb it. Let it trickle right in without passing it through the filter of your (sometimes rather vicious) judgment. This not only shows the person you're with that you can accept others' ideas, it also allows you to look beyond your prejudices and see your date for who he or she really is.