planning mode
dating scene
Sometimes break-ups last forever. You go your separate ways, you move on to new people, and you try to get past the pain of breaking things off. But some relationships just won't stay dead. A week, a month, a year, or a decade later, a spark reignites…and you find yourself trying to pick up where you left off.
It can be really exciting – an intoxicating cross between a new relationship and a comfortable old one. The new and the well-known, all tied up together. But resurrected relationships are just as susceptible to failure as new ones…and perhaps more so.
Acknowledge Past Hurts
Don't want to see this new incarnation of your relationship go the way of your last one? Be sure to take things slow. Think about it this way: when the two of you broke up, it was because you believed the relationship wouldn't work. Left behind were injuries and deep hurts that haven't necessarily gone away. And pretending that they have gone away can be disastrous.
The two of your have a past together, and (obviously) not all of that past has been positive. So take things slow to allow any issues and old hurts to come up slowly. If you jump into things, old angers and insecurities might surface so suddenly, they'll pull your relationship right under. Give it time.
Explore Why it Didn't Work
Obviously, your relationship with this person didn't work out the first time. And while that doesn't mean that things won't work out this time, it does mean that the pair of you definitely have some pitfalls to avoid – you know this because you weren't able to avoid them last time around.
So before jumping in head-first, take some time to think about why things didn't work out last time. Think about (and, when you're ready, discuss with your partner), some of the following questions before getting things going full steam:
1. What mistakes did you make when you were together before?
2. Can you avoid these same mistakes now? How?
3. In what ways were you yourself at fault in the break-up? Are you capable of behaving differently this time around?
4. What inherent issues put pressure on your relationship last time? How will you deal better with those issues this time around?
The sooner you get things out in the open, the easier it will be to move on more wisely than last time. Just promise yourself and your partner one thing: at no moment will you allow the discussion to degenerate into an argument about who did what. The past is the past…and you're trying to move forward.
