PlanJam!From your screen to the scene

When couples break up, there's always one person who says "but let's try to be friends, okay?" And while that's a nice sentiment, nobody really expects it to happen. Ex-couples have a hard time staying friends after the relationship ends – generally there's just too much baggage to start a friendship anew. Every couple knows this and usually expects it to happen…which is why it's so strange and surprising when somebody you're dating is good friends with their ex.

Most of the time, friendships with an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend are nothing to worry about. Generally, they're strained and awkward, and often simply fizzle out on their own. But sometimes, a current partner who is still friends with an ex is something you should be concerned about. If might be time to worry if:

1. They spend more time with the ex than with you. If your partner is spending a considerable amount of time with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to say something, and quick. While it's okay to spend some time together after you've broken up, starting a new relationship implies just that: you've started a new relationship. If your partner can't give up on spending lots of time with their ex, it's pretty clear that they aren't truly ready to move on.

2. They refer to their ex as their "best friend." Maybe in one out of every 10,000 relationships, a couple can become best friends, break up, and still be best friends after the relationship ends. But with the other 9,999 couples that break up, it just doesn't happen. If your girlfriend or boyfriend talks about their ex as "their very best friend," it's time to worry. Unless they've known each other since they were in diapers (and generally not then, either), a couple can't usually maintain this kind of friendship after a breakup. If your partner has such strong feelings for their ex, it may just mean they haven't moved on yet.

3. The ex is single. When two ex-partners are attached to somebody else, it eases some of the pressure of them spending time together. But if one of the two is single, their relationship develops a whole different dynamic – because one is free to pursue the other, instead of both being held back by their current commitments. If your partner's ex is single, there's a real chance they may be trying to get your girlfriend or boyfriend back. And that they may succeed if they get enough time.

4. They don't understand your concerns. This is probably the biggest warning sign that your partner's relationship with their ex is more than the "friendship" they claim it to be. Because everybody knows and understands that these sorts of friendships are uncomfortable for the partner who is left behind. If somebody you're dating refuses to acknowledge that you have a right to feel uncomfortable about their friendship with their ex, it's just possible that they still have feeling for their ex…and they're simply trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Or, even more likely, over their own. But just because your partner doesn't want to admit their feeling for their ex doesn't mean they don't have any.