planning mode
dating scene
Post Count: 51
Sunday, October 19th, 2008
Categories: Advice For Men, Advice For Women, Relationship Advice
I feel like I've been inundated lately with images of alternative relationships. Some of that is my own doing, of course – my favorite new show is HBO's "Big Love," which is about polygamous Mormon family living (where else?) in Utah. In the show, the male lead owns three houses, each occupied by a different wife. He rotates his nights between his houses – and between his wives, of course.
When you're dedicated to exploring and writing about relationships, you come across descriptions of and stories about all sorts of polyamorous relationships. And I have to admit that I am more than a little bit curious about how "the other side," lives. A big part of me finds the sort of lifestyle I see depicted in a movie like Woody Allen's "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" or a TV show like "Big Love" appealing – and I see why it happens so often. The other side of me, however, is disturbed by the very idea.
The more exposed I am to polyamorous lifestyles, the more interested I am in answering the question: Can many people really strike a balance between variety and healthy commitment?
When I see a show like "Big Love," there is a lot for me to find appealing. The three wives share almost every element of their lives; they seem even closer than sisters. They share responsibilities and childrearing with each other the same way that they share their husband. In a way, what the wives have together is a beautiful thing.
Unfortunately, I don't have the same sense of admiration for the "husband" figure in this particular equation. In a polygamous family, it seems that the husband is generally the all-ruling patriarch. Though the women often get a say, that say goes only surface-deep. The unwavering head of the household, husband does what he likes – just watching the fictional version on TV makes all of my deep-seeded feminine ideals cry out in rebellion. And though it's cloaked in religion and duty, I think a polygamous lifestyle like that shown in "Big Love" is really only about sex and control – for the man. It's nothing I'd like to be a part of.
There are relationships, however, where men and women share freely together. It's the type of thing you heard about – or, if you're older than me, experienced – happening in hippy communes in the 60's. Or the kind of "weekend sex parties" you read about in magazines. With this lifestyle, you can have a committed romantic relationship, but sex is shared freely and you're free to have it with whomever you like. And while most of the people I know are in committed relationships (and therefore wouldn't admit it), I'm betting most of them find this sort of lifestyle intriguing – if not outright appealing. Just as I do.
For me, the conceptual problem with this kind of relationship lies with striking a balance. It is possible for most people to behave this way and still maintain their relationships as they used to? In theory, it sounds great for people to engage freely in sex – as long as they have their partner's permission. But another part of me wonders what this does to relationships – and what it does to sex. Can a polyamorous relationship be truly committed and healthy? Or does sex with multiple partners ruin it?
This is a conundrum for me…and I'd love to hear your comments about it.
(On October 29th, 2008 at 6:33 am)
I may be way off base here, but what is it about this form of lifestyle that you find intriguing? What is the male's role in this fantasy? Is he in it at all? Perhaps it is the closeness of a female (sexually or emotional) that you are desiring. This does not necessarily mean you are gay. A resent survey taken by a group of sex therapists revealed that the #1 fantasy of straight women was making love to another woman. Perhaps it is simply a curiosity or desire to experiment with another woman.
(On November 17th, 2008 at 12:07 pm)
A poly relationship is NOT for everyone. However, as the comment above does not at all sum it up.
Poly is not about control. . . It is about affection, and the reality of human emotions.
As Jenny Block said in her book, monogamy IS possible. There are many things that we, as an evolved species, can do that go against the basic bio urges.
Having said that, two mature, communicative adults CAN manage a relationship like this, if they so desire, and if they are in CONSTANT communication.
(On November 25th, 2008 at 1:01 pm)
There seems to be one track thinking here…I am in a poly relationship with two men, not women…It's not just about sex, its about caring, loving and sharing your life with more than one partner. Yes, I will admit that the sex is mind-blowing, but it's more than just getting your rocks off. If I just wanted sex with more than one person, I would just be sleeping with more than one person, and that used to be my preference. Until I met a man that I couldn't get enough of. It was difficult for my current boyfriend to understand, but once it was all laid on the table and explained out, it intrigued both of them. And what else could a woman want, but two men to dote and love her unconditionally. I agree it isn't for everyone, but poly's have the most utmost trust in their partners, and are very committed to them as well. Strange as it may seem, yes, we are very committed to each other.
(On December 23rd, 2008 at 6:04 pm)
I find this being with more than one person deplorable. If you really love your partner there is no way you would even think of having sex with someone else. You cannot love anybody unconditionally nor can they love you if you are a who-e and sleep around like an animal.And committed to each other–what a laugh and how sick and deranged these tramps are.Melissa sounds like a very needy animal that just wants all the attention she can get. It's women (pigs) like her that give decent women a bad name. You have NO idea what real love is or respect and decency. You make me sick. Thank God my husband and I have a normal, committed, faithful relationship—if he even mentioned this horrible-retarded lifestyle—he would be out the door so fast.
You all need help!
(On January 12th, 2009 at 8:30 pm)
Like Melissa, I too am in a polyamory relationship with two men. We have lived together for almost a year now and it's worked beautifully. My legal husband and my significant other are very good friends. We look out for each other and help each other out. Even though the sex is good, it's more about companionship, trust, and friendship. This type of relationship is not for everyone, however for us it's enhanced our lives.
(On March 8th, 2009 at 6:49 pm)
Polly- you should really tone down your comments. I think it is morally wrong to be with multiple people, personally, but I also don't think it's quite alright to call complete strangers pigs or whores either.
Disregarding morals and religion, though, I wouldn't want to be in a poly relationship as the man with multiple women or vise-versa. To be honest I think it would wear me out, one woman has enough needs that a man has to satisfy by herself, having more than one seems like it would take too much work for it to be enjoyable. And the other way, I would more than likely be insecure about my significant other wanting other men in any way. Who does she love more? If she had to choose, would it be me? I would constantly feel like I needed to compete with the other guys. Also, doesn't sex lose some of its intimacy when it's shared like that?
(On March 20th, 2009 at 6:35 pm)
The show Big Love is not about Mormons. It is about a group of fundamentalist breakaways from the religion. Polygamists are excommunicated from the LDS church. Just for future reference.
(On March 24th, 2009 at 8:18 pm)
Why is it that others are always saying that if you truly loved your partner you wouldn't want to be with anyone else?
It's because we love each other so much that we can be happy in the relationship the other has found with someone else. We don't own each other. We don't own each others feelings. And we don't own each others bodies. What we do have is a love so deep for each other a such huge trust that it overflows.
Do you realize just how many people in the world commit what is termed "serial monogamy"? In a momogamous relationship…find out it is no longer exciting…"fall out of love"…find someone else…leave original partner to be with the new. Start from the beginning and go through that whole cycle again. So many people are hurt by this behavior. And while others say they do not condone this it is never frowned upon the way consensual non-monogamy is frowned upon.
What does that say about our society? That it is ok to say you truly love your partner and be monogamous but fall out of love and move to another but not ok to love your partner so much you don't require them to feel quilt and move on? That the kind of open, honest, constant communication a polyamorous relationship requires is worthless? Just lie and cheat instead?
These attitudes sadden me. I'm happy with my husband but the relationships he has with his girlfriend and I have with my boyfriend are great as well. If they were undermining our marriage, they would end. But seeing him happy, loving someone else, and having some of his needs that I can't meet filled by his girlfriend makes me happy. Her personality is different than mine and it allows some of his personality traits to me met. Nothing bad comes from loving someone THAT mcuh.
(On March 25th, 2009 at 7:34 am)
When I initially read Polly's comments back in December, I did not want to justify her ignorant comments in regards to the Poly lifestyle. People who are not in it, or have not familiarized themselves with it have no idea what the lifestyle is about. They just assume it is completely sexual in nature. The key components to the poly lifestyle is communication and trust. Most marriages do not even have these components. I was in a 13 year dead end marriage that we went days without talking other than the occasional grunt to acknowledge each other. The problem with society today is that everyone feels they have the right to tell others what is best for them or how they should live. This world would be such a better place if everyone would just accept the fact that everyone is different and that they have the right to live how they see fit, as long as no one is being hurt by their methods. Who has the right to tell you what makes you happy is wrong because they deem it wrong??
(On November 15th, 2009 at 9:52 pm)
Hey everyone just wanna say hello and introduce myself!