PlanJam!From your screen to the scene

Just about everybody likes to flirt – even those of us currently in committed relationships. Because just as being committed or married doesn't take away your need or desire to look at people of the opposite sex, being in a relationship doesn't stop you from wanting to spark connections with others. And that's what flirting generally is – a fun, vaguely sexual connection. Generally harmless.

But not always. Because it's all too easy to cross that thin, invisible line between simply flirting…and cheating on your partner. And it can be difficult to know when you've crossed it.

What Your Partner Considers Cheating

This may be an uncomfortable prospect, but it might be a good idea to sit down and talk to your partner about what he or she considers cheating – because his or her definition may be different from yours.

Here's an example. While she was in college, a girlfriend of mine was in a serious relationship with a guy she'd been dating for about two years. One night at a party, she had a little too much to drink, and – young and curious – got a little physical with another girl at the party. Because it didn't mean anything, and because it was "just a girl," my friend assumed that her boyfriend wouldn't see it as cheating.

But he did. Their relationship ended for a whole host of reasons…but my friend's lighthearted evening with another girl certainly contributed. She underestimated the boundaries he set between faithfulness and cheating.

To some people, "cheating" is simply defined as sexual intercourse with a person of the opposite sex. To others, a look or a touch can be considered cheating. It's a good idea to know where both you and your partner stand.

Betraying Your Partner's Trust

When you're in a relationship, you sign up to be faithful to your partner. And while faithfulness is something that should happen on both your partner's terms and your own, the idea of commitment implies that you won't cross the boundary lines set by your partner. That is, assuming those lines are not unreasonable.

If you were to act according to your partner's standards, knowing when you're simply flirting or outright cheating should be easy – the lines have been drawn and you know where they lie. But there are always some gray areas…relations that seem harmless, but can easily toe the line into cheating. So for a guideline, flirting is generally toeing the line into cheating (or outright stepping over it) when:

• You become emotionally attached to the object of your flirtation to the point where you prefer their company to your partner's

• You go out with the intention of finding somebody to flirt – or cheat – with. Whether you find them or not.

• When you advertise yourself as available when you're not because you're interested in somebody.

• You let physical contact become overtly sexual.

• You fall in love with somebody else.

Again, though, it all depends on the lines drawn in the sand by yourself and your partner. In some relationships, all of the above behaviors would be acceptable, as long as they don't lead to sexual intercourse. In others, any one of them could be enough to destroy the relationship.

So flirt, be sexy, and have fun…but tread lightly.