planning mode
dating scene
Post Count: 5
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
Categories: Advice For Women, Intimacy, Relationship Advice
When starting a new relationship, it’s important to determine whether the connection is based upon qualities such as respect and integrity or if it is purely based upon sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is an important factor in all relationships, but it should never be the primary basis for a couple’s relationship. When women wonder if their man is only after sex, they can become very discouraged with the relationship. When women are focusing on love, marriage, and living happily ever after they can become suddenly devastated with the realization that their man isn’t returning the same level of emotional commitment. Here are some signs that can help you determine whether or not your man is interested in you on a deep level, or if he is only after sex.
First, you should realize that just because your man has a strong sexual appetite doesn’t mean that he isn’t committed to you or respecting you as a woman. Men with healthy testosterone levels have high sex drives. But if you find that all your man ever wants to do is have sex, and then leave, you might have serious grounds for concern. You might want to pay attention to what he talks about when he’s with you and whether or not the conversation involves any non sexual topics. If he seems to lose interest in any subject but sex, then you should be concerned.
Another area to look at is how he acts with you around his friends, provided that he’s introduced you to them. If you haven’t met his friends, and your time together consists of always being in the bedroom, then you should seriously consider the fact that he is not looking for a serious relationship but a sex partner. When a man is interested in a woman on a deeply committed level, he will have no problem introducing her to his friends and family members. If you have met his friends and family and are still not convinced that he respects you as an individual and sees you as more than a sex partner, then take a good look at the way he interacts with you around his friends.
If he always makes sexual advances towards you in front of his friends, and never treats you with respect, then you should definitely consider the fact that he is only with you for sex. Also, ask yourself how often he tells you he loves you as well as the situation you are in when he tells you. If he only says he loves you before, during, or immediately after sex, there’s a problem. If he tries to convince you that you would have sex with him to prove that you love him, there’s a problem.
Real relationships are based on much more than sexual attraction. You should be able to recount numerous times that you and your man have spent enjoying cultural events, movies, and dates that didn’t wind up with the two of you in bed. True love is based on trust, integrity, and respect. Though many men are only after one thing, there are plenty of men who are looking for genuine, sincere relationships based upon trust and commitment. If you suspect that you are in a relationship that is based purely on sex and are unhappy, get out of it. Without respect, you’ll never find true happiness in any relationship.
(On April 24th, 2009 at 7:34 pm)
As a guy, I have to say that this is one of the best articles I've ever read published by a woman. There's no hint of anger or bitterness, and is completely dispassionate and objective. More importantly, it's completely accurate.
I just wish she would be confident enough to share some more information on the subject.
1. There are (strait) men who grow up and never get over their Disney/high-school/Valentine's Day love fantasy phase. These are guys who are actively looking to take a nosedive into love and marriage, and the woman will more often than not find herself putting the emotional breaks on him and wondering if he's even sexually attracted to her.
- Sexual attraction and sexual desire are two different things. For these guys, sexual desire won't happen unless they first start to develop strong feelings for the woman first. When those feelings grow, he will be motivated for sex. Though, just because he's not sexually aggressive doesn't mean he doesn't find you sexually attractive.
2. Memo to all womankind; please refine your "does he care about me?" tests. As a behavioral economist, I seriously don't know if I should laugh or cry when I do a tree analysis of the possible outcomes of each test. They make no logical sense, and consistently fail to elicit any objective and unbiased information.
- Most men KNOW when they are being tested. Luckily, those same men also KNOW they can just ignore and hide behind the clueless and dumb male stereotype. But when a test is designed in such a way that it resembles a control/dominance-challenge, the woman is creating a ego-conflict for the man and simultaneously testing to see "if he really cares". You have to pick and choose, and be honest with yourself. Are you really testing to see "does he care about me?" or "am I more important to him than he is to himself?" (aka. HOW much does he care about me?).
As humans, we value ourselves first. This is exactly the kind of quality men want in their woman, and short of any deep underlying emotional problems, women want in their man. When a test is shaped in the form of a control/dominance challenge, the most natural human thing to do is to reject it. Testing to see if he will do something for you, explain himself, or jump through flaming hoops will all have to be rejected. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Though it does me he does care about himself.
A more sophisticated test yields both accurate and consistent results about his inner thoughts. It is said that "honesty" is what one does when nobody is looking. Phrased differently, his reaction to tests where he is under pressure to produce specific results or his control/dominance is being challenged are all meaningless since they never produce honest answers. However, tests where he is under no pressure to produce results (or even take action) and there is no control/dominance challenge will consistently give valuable insight about his honest inner thoughts.
For example, imagine you are on vacation for a week and there is a huge time difference. You make the effort to stay up every night and call him at a time that's convenient for him. At this point, the woman in you will be tempted to ask how much he cares about you. This will cause you to go through the motions of active testing. However, the results will be quite meaningless even if you do get him to call. Though, notice what results passive testing would produce. Suppose you stay up late at a time that's inconvenient to you just so you can talk to him, for 2-3 nights. All of a sudden, on the 3-4th night he says "hey, what time do you usually wake up?" You answer selflessly, "oh no sweetie, I don't want you to miss any sleep". Then he says, "hey, every time we talk, it's always around my time. I want to give you a call around your time for a change". After you pick your jaw up from the floor, can you notice what this does? You have just gathered objective and unbiased information about how he REALLY feels about you. A man who doesn't care about you would never take the initiative to extend himself for you in such a zero-pressure situation.
3. That being said, this bit may come as a shocker. Men who really care about you, will NEVER say "I love you" prior to a relationship going sexual. They're quite aware of the guys who say it, even though they don't really mean it, just to have sex; and they don't want to be those guys. To add insult to injury, they may genuinely feel that way and be dying to say it, but won't. Some guys have stupid 6-month to 2-year rules about when they're ready to say "I love you". Those are usually the men who have read the biological research that Italian scientists did on the chemistry of love. They want to be absolutely sure that when they say "I love you", they mean it, and aren't just letting the "honeymoon stage" put words in their mouth. So if you hear your man telling you "I'm falling in love with you", don't be frustrated, he just wants to be honest with you. The male-to-female translation of that by the way is, "I can't say that I love you yet, though I can definitely tell that this relationship is most definitely heading there".
4. Be careful to not develop issues with sex. Some men fear being taken advantage of or used by women and develop counterproductive behaviors and habits that repel women; even ones that would have no intentions of ever taking advantage of them or using them. This happens when they develop black & white beliefs about who should pay, fairness, and limits on time spent talking or seeing each other during the week. The results speak for themselves, they are either seen as cheap, or simply as someone who doesn't care. Similarly, the same can, and often does, take place for women too.
- While you should always be careful and never do anything you don't want to do, it's important to remember that while sex is not THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect of a relationship; it's still a very important aspect of any healthy relationship. As a guy, asexuals and men with low libido aside, I can say that ALL strait men are interested in sex; and for many of them, that's the only thing they're interested in. But the same way a woman would find it nearly impossible to be in a relationship where there's just sex and no emotion, a man will find it impossible to be in a relationship where there's just emotion and no sex. This has nothing to do with eagerness for commitment or sex. This stems from the simple fact that people do not like the idea of having to settle for the raw end of the deal. This is simply fear of being used.
Learn to tell the difference between the men who only want sex, and the men who want sex AND everything else that follows. If you fail to tell the two apart, you will either be frequently hurt and used (not conservative enough) or frequently end up with desperate men (too conservative); as you filter out everyone else.
5. A man who truly loves you will never grow tired to telling you. When your man truly loves you, he can move mountains; and it's all because you give him the desire to do so. The right woman by his side can give him the fire and zeal to conquer and challenge or difficulty in life. With that said, showing you how much he appreciates you and loves you can NEVER get old. If your man doesn't show you how much he appreciates you (or at least tries to show you, cut him some slack on the creativity department; remember he's a guy), tells you that he loves you (even if it's right after you sneeze or at some silly or goofy moment), then the truth is, he doesn't and never really did love you. If you think you're with this kind of guy, look for the eject button and leave ASAP! You want to grow old with someone who will still see you as the most beautiful woman in the world, because he sees you with his heart and not his eyes.