Most of the time, friendships with an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend are nothing to worry about. Generally, they're strained and awkward, and often simply fizzle out on their own. But sometimes, a current partner who is still friends with an ex is something you should be concerned about. If might be time to worry if:

1. They spend more time with the ex than with you. If your partner is spending a considerable amount of time with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to say something, and quick. While it's okay to spend some time together after you've broken up, starting a new relationship implies just that: you've started a new relationship. If your partner can't give up on spending lots of time with their ex, it's pretty clear that they aren't truly ready to move on.

2. They refer to their ex as their "best friend." Maybe in one out of every 10,000 relationships, a couple can become best friends, break up, and still be best friends after the relationship ends. But with the other 9,999 couples that break up, it just doesn't happen. If your girlfriend or boyfriend talks about their ex as "their very best friend," it's time to worry. Unless they've known each other since they were in diapers (and generally not then, either), a couple can't usually maintain this kind of friendship after a breakup. If your partner has such strong feelings for their ex, it may just mean they haven't moved on yet.

3. The ex is single. When two ex-partners are attached to somebody else, it eases some of the pressure of them spending time together. But if one of the two is single, their relationship develops a whole different dynamic – because one is free to pursue the other, instead of both being held back by their current commitments. If your partner's ex is single, there's a real chance they may be trying to get your girlfriend or boyfriend back. And that they may succeed if they get enough time.

4. They don't understand your concerns. This is probably the biggest warning sign that your partner's relationship with their ex is more than the "friendship" they claim it to be. Because everybody knows and understands that these sorts of friendships are uncomfortable for the partner who is left behind. If somebody you're dating refuses to acknowledge that you have a right to feel uncomfortable about their friendship with their ex, it's just possible that they still have feeling for their ex…and they're simply trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Or, even more likely, over their own. But just because your partner doesn't want to admit their feeling for their ex doesn't mean they don't have any.

Well, my recycle/re-use habit applies to a different area of life. It applies to my ex’s. I tend to pause in the process of mentally wadding them up like a piece of paper destined for the trash bin. I pause mid wad, and think, “Wait, maybe I shouldn’t throw this away. Maybe I should just keep it around for later, in case I might use it in a craft project or something.

And that is how the phenomenon of the lingering ex begins. A sort of “saving for possible use in the future” concept.

But like your kitchen junk drawer, it has to stop somewhere. If you’re always stashing things away, you’re gradually losing space for the new, useful things that are waiting in your future. At one point my mom’s old kitchen was so full of old appliances that there literally was no room for the new microwave we actually needed.

And let’s face it. There was a reason that paper bag was going in the garbage in the first place. It had a hole in it that was leaking valuable content, like your trust. Or a handle broke so you didn’t have the firm security that you needed. Or it got wet in the rain, collapsing on you, becoming clingy and offering no support, just dampening your day.

Granted, ex’s can serve a purpose in certain instances, like the comfortable old sneakers you wear when you need to wash the dog. But the truth is that those sneakers, while familiar and broken in, are still the same old sneakers you stopped wearing for a reason.

Like old running shoes, they’ve acclimated to your shape and hollowed out at the places where your foot hit over and over. While this contouring can provide comfort, the support is often lost. Just like a runner’s foot, sometimes to keep running you just need new, firm support that doesn’t collapse or disapear under pressure or strain . Maybe the flexible, structure-less nature of the relationship was what attracted you to it in the first place. But you're growing up, taking on new responsibilities and challenges, and with that comes a need for more support and function. Otherwise you end up sitting around on the couch, being lazy in your old pair of comfortable, non-responsive, worn-in, floppy, year-old sneakers that don’t inspire your feet to climb new hills or run new races.

In some cases it's possible to recycle. It conserves resources, and is an environmentally responsible choice. But it's not always possible in every area of life. Sometimes there is no salvaging to be done, and you just have to let go and throw it away, releasing any hopes for future use. And also releasing the guilt you might feel later, if for a fleeting moment in the future you miss those old sneakers and their familiar fit.

But whatever you do, don’t settle for old and smelly just because it’s comfortable and easy. Go out and buy yourself the new pair of running shoes with all the support and function that your hard-working feet deserve. I guarantee as soon as you put them on and walk around, you'll wonder why you waited so long in the first place.

But how are you reacting to their behavior?

Oftentimes, we subconsciously feed the notion that the relationship isn't truly over, thereby allowing false hope to grow in the mind of our former partner. "It's not me – it's them!" you may cry in indignation. I suppose it could be, but let's back up a minute. Ending a relationship isn't fun for anyone. I'm apt to avoid confrontation as much as possible, and when I know a relationship just isn't working out anymore I try to make the breakup as quick and painless as I can.

Sometimes, it doesn't quite go my way. I'll breakup with someone (or think I do, at least) and he'll end up calling me as if nothing ever happened. This is where it gets tricky. In the past, I'd answer my ex's phone calls. I'd even hang out with him. For all intents and purposes, we may as well still have been in a relationship.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

By neglecting to reinforce the fact that we'd broken up, I unwittingly fueled the flames of my former boyfriend's fire. Taking his phone calls and hanging out with him only served to make him think that I hadn't truly broken up with him – that I had, in fact, re-evaluated my position and wanted him back.

The only way to make a former flame understand you're through is to constantly reinforce that fact. You don't even have to hunt him down to let him know you're through. Ignore his phone calls, let his e-mails go unanswered and stop getting together for coffee dates. Once I did this with my ex, it took about a week before he finally got the hint.

While it's entirely possible that your ex may not be able to let go, the way you react to his behavior can either make the situation worse, or finally wake him up to the fact that he's no longer with you. As much as you might hate hurting someone, sometimes it takes a bit of brutal honesty to make a breakup stick. If you can change your behavior, ultimately your former partner will realize that you were serious when you broke up.

Just remember – there's a reason the relationship stopped working for you. Don't make it harder on both of you by instilling false hope. A breakup that doesn't stick can often be attributed to your reactions to the event. Change your reaction, and you'll ultimately get the results you want.

It can be very disheartening to continually hear talk about another person when two people are trying to work on their own relationship. Yet, the question must be asked, "If one person constantly talks about the ex, does that mean they are unhappy with their current relationship?" The usual sentiments of jealousy, suspicion, and feeling doubtful are sure to arise. The other person is left to wonder why he or she is spending so much time talking about their ex in the first place. The thought that maybe they miss the relationship so much, they can't stop reliving it is sure to be at the forefront. But does talking about an ex frequently mean that someone is dissatisfied with his or her current relationship? The answer is not a definite yes or no. Each relationship is different, but more importantly, each person is different. Just because someone speaks frequently about their ex, doesn't necessarily mean they want to go back to them.

If your partner speaks frequently about his or her ex, you may suspect that they are more interested in that relationship than they are in having a relationship with you. This is not necessarily the case. First, you should take into consideration how long the relationship lasted. If they were in a long-term relationship, you may hear frequent talk of the ex, simply because he or she was involved in your partner's past. It may not mean that they are holding feelings for the other person, they may simply be stating facts and retelling events that the ex happened to be part of.

You should also look at the context in which your partner is discussing their ex. If they are continuously comparing you to the ex, then yes, you have a problem on your hands. If your partner blatantly compares you to the ex (or anyone else) then there is a problem with your partner. Every person is different and you should never have to feel that you are being compared to someone else. However, if they are just mentioning the ex in a casual manner, it more than likely doesn't mean anything.

If you find that the ex is trying to remain friends with your partner, then you have genuine cause for concern. If the ex is making their way back in to the picture, and your partner is continually bringing their ex up in conversation, then they may be rekindling old flames of passion. The best thing that you can do is to discuss your feelings and concerns with your partner and see how he or she responds. You should also consider the fact that your partner and the ex may want to continue a friendship. If that is the case, you will need to closely examine your feelings and decide how you will handle the situation.

Just as it takes two people to have a romantic relationship, it takes two people to have a successful friendship. Though it isn't impossible to remain friends after a breakup, due to the nature of the emotional issues involved in a relationship and breakup, it isn't as common as one may think. For a successful friendship to exist between two people who were romantically involved, there needs to be a high degree of maturity on both parties. In fact, the question shouldn't really be, "I think it would be best if we were friends." but rather, "Should we be friends?"

There are many reasons why people may want to be friends, but first some issues need to be addressed. Most importantly, both parties need to assess the benefits or emotional risks that will be the result of a continued friendship. For those who have had a long time friendship before starting a relationship, the thought of ending the friendship permanently may be overwhelming. In fact, many people who successfully maintain a friendship after a break up had an extended friendship before things took a romantic turn.

Another instance where it is important to ask the question, "Should we remain friends after a breakup?" is when children are involved. It is always in the best interest of the children, for parents to remain civilized and courteous after a breakup. It would be great if you could develop and maintain a strong friendship, however this may be difficult. Either way, it is important to always behave in a friendly manner with your ex and avoid speaking negatively about them when around your children.

There are some things to consider before deciding to work on a friendship with your ex. First, you should set ground rules. If both of you have decided that you should definitely not have a romantic relationship, and would like to revive your friendship, it is imperative that you set boundaries. It is fairly common for lines to be crossed, and before you know it, your friendship is turning into another romance. This can further complicate situations.

You should also make certain that your ex isn't using friendship as an excuse to try to monitor your behavior, or develop another romantic relationship with you. However, if you are comfortable with the idea of remaining friends, and set adequate boundaries, there is no reason you can't continue your friendship after you break up.

Many people ask these questions and discover the only way to find out if they made a mistake by breaking up is to try again. They decide to give it one more chance. If you feel that the relationship deserves another opportunity, then you should go for it. However, you should carefully consider the chances of your relationship ending in the same manner, and you might find that making some minor changes in your communication may produce better results.

First, you and your ex should take a close look at what led to the initial break up. What was the reason that caused you to end your relationship in the first place? Also, once you determine that cause, you need to look at whether or not that issue has been resolved. For example, if infidelity was involved, and you two had trust issues and ended your relationship, it may be tempting to get back together after several months apart. Maybe you both locked gazes and felt that old familiar twinge of love in your stomach. After deciding that these are romantic feelings and not just lunch calling, you think back on the old times you shared. You become reminiscent of the past and start daydreaming about the life you could have shared together. Quickly, you begin talking about reconciliation, and try to pick up where you left off. Several months go by, and all seems fine, until you see the woman he had an affair with in the store. Suddenly, all of the feelings surface and your trust level plummets. Now, you are wondering if you should have bothered getting back together in the first place.

The only way to make a relationship with your ex truly work is to deal with the underlying issues that caused the break up in the first place. Relationships are a lot of hard work and energy. Forgiveness takes even more. For there to have been a break up means something occurred; someone’s needs weren’t being met. Those issues have to be resolved or the past will simply repeat itself. If both of you are truly committed to working things out and starting fresh, you may find that it is beneficial to seek the advice of a counselor. Obviously, you had an issue that you couldn’t resolve, that is why you broke up. Now, to get back together without resolving those issues will inevitably lead to failure. Take the time to seek counseling and work through those issues. You can do it together and give your relationship the fresh start that it deserves.

For those who have children together, staying in communication with your ex may be extremely difficult, but it is best for the children. If you find that talking with your ex is a negative experience, then you will need to take some steps to help ensure that you can speak calmly and effectively with your ex, without becoming overrun with negative emotions.

First, you should avoid arguing with your ex at all costs. If you're discussing the children and you find that the conversation is turning negatively quickly, then end the conversation immediately. Don't give in to the temptation to fight. You don't need that additional stress and neither do your children. Simply and politely tell your ex that you would feel better if you continued the conversation at another time. Also, be very careful never to badmouth your ex in front of the children. This is very common, but it can have devastating effects. You may find it is a good idea to refer to your ex as "the children's mother or father" rather than by ex (or any derogatory names). This can help ensure that you are speaking respectfully of your ex in front of your child/children at all times.

It is also important to realize that simply because you have negative feelings towards your ex doesn't necessarily mean that your new boyfriend or girlfriend won't become jealous of your relationship. Sometimes, people spend many hours discussing their ex with their new partner and believe that as long as they are presenting them in a negative light, everything will be ok with their partner. However, partners can quickly become jealous if you are spending a large amount of time talking about your ex.

You should also be wary incase your ex suddenly seems to show an interest in you again. This can be especially awkward if you don't reciprocate the feelings. Make sure that you never lead your ex to believe that there is a chance for reconciliation if there isn't one. When speaking with your ex, you want to be courteous, but you should also be curt. Don't linger on any subjects and avoid being personal. Speak about the issues at hand then move on. This way you can avoid sending any mixed signals and your ex will know that you and a future relationship are off limits.

The first thing any break up will do is cause emotional and mental distress. Therefore, the best thing to do is to talk to somebody about what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. Venting out will help to release all the built-up stress, anger, sadness, and worries. If you find yourself uncomfortable speaking to somebody, write it down on a sheet of paper, in a personal diary or journal. The worst thing you can do is to internalize all of the negative feelings. It is so important to just let it all out.

Because you’re emotionally susceptible during this time, do not play the “Let’s try to be friends” game. This will only make things harder on you. You will never get over somebody if you do not have time away from that person to recover. This also means deleting your ex’s contact information from your phone, email, instant messenger, and Myspace account. You’ll only end up foolishly and regretfully drunk dialing him/her one night, or sending a pathetic email. The instant messenger and Myspace account is especially dangerous because you will end up spying on your ex. Furthermore, get rid of everything that will remind you of your past relationship. For example, avoid going to places where you will likely have a run-in with your former partner, get rid of old emails, love letters, pictures, etc. Reminiscing about the past won’t bring your ex back. It will only harbor greater heartache and animosity.

One of the biggest mistakes people make after a bad break up is to jump into another relationship. Some do it to get their former loves jealous, while others do it because they are feeling lonely. This is a bad idea – you will only end up surfacing your insecurities and selfishness onto your new relationship. Rather, take your mind off the break up by being proactive in your life – pick up a new hobby, or simply enjoy some quality time with friends. Find something positive and fun to do that will keep you occupied during your time of need.

In short, breakups are never easy, but that’s no excuse for you to mope around, feeling sorry for yourself all day. Sure, give yourself a few days to do so, but after that, get up and start fresh. Talk to somebody about how you feel, be heard. That always helps a lot. Remember to avoid any contact with your ex and get rid of old memorabilia from the relationship (out of sight means out of mind). Though you may wonder if you will ever get over the hurt, just have patience. Time heals all wounds – that is a fact.

Courtesy: Elizabeth Nobukuni

When dealing with an ex girlfriend or boyfriend, it is important to keep your emotions in check and remain neutral when interacting with them. If your ex continually tries to push your buttons or makes comments to try an initiate a response from you, ignoring those remarks is your best line of defense. It is also a good idea if you are involved in a new relationship to discuss your ex with your new partner. You don’t need to go into every detail regarding every incident that took place, but if you and your ex share common friends, it isn’t fair for your new partner not to be aware of this. If you keep your ex secret from your new partner, you may instill a sense of distrust and find that your new relationship becomes strained. Though you may feel comfortable associating with your ex, your new partner may not. Respect is the basis for every healthy relationship. Since you are in a new relationship, you should have more respect for your new partner’s feelings and if being around your ex makes your partner uncomfortable, you should honor your new partner’s wishes.

Many people may think that the ideal situation is to be friends with their ex. However, it may be better to remain friendly with your ex, but reserve friendships for those whom you haven’t been intimate with. As long as ex lovers try to be friends and participate in activities as friends, there will always remain the lingering hope that things may change and a relationship may ensue. In fact, your ex may have ulterior motives for trying to prolong a friendship. If you have no interest in being romantically involved with your ex, it is best to make your feelings known and then move on with your life.

If you're dating someone who is associating with their ex, you may feel overwhelming jealousy. The best course of action is to discuss your feelings with your partner. By letting him or her know how you feel you will know that you have done all that you can to express your feelings. If your partner continues to associate with his or her ex knowing how you feel, then you may need to rethink your partner’s commitment to the relationship. However, there are certain situations that will require your partner to associate with their ex if they have children together. It is impossible to ask your partner to have no associations with his or her ex when they share children together. Again, communication is the best line of defense to make sure that your feelings are known and understood. Also, try to understand where your partner is coming from as well. By working through the issues involving the ex together, you can build a strong and enduring relationship.