Many people are afraid of the big C – also known as commitment. However, without commitment many relationships are doomed for failure. Some people are so afraid of committing in a relationship that they actually have a phobia about it. Many relationships end suddenly because one partner is ready for a commitment and the other is not. Whether you are thinking about a marriage commitment or just interested in dating your partner exclusively, commitment is a big step and one that both partners need to agree upon before taking together. If one party is committed and the other is not, a troubled journey lies ahead. Here are some issues to take into consideration to help determine if you are ready for a commitment.
First, you need to ask yourself if your partner is your number one priority in life. Do you find that you think constantly about your relationship and make plans for both you and your partner? If you are only thinking about yourself, then you may not be ready for a commitment. However, if you find that any time you need to make a major decision you wonder how your partner would feel about it, then you may be on the road to a monogamous future.
Another area to consider is how you handle troublesome times in your relationship. When arguments or difficulties arise, do you and your partner tend to work things out in a calm manner? Or do you secretly just wish you could end the relationship. If you don’t feel that you have the desire to work through issues now, it is unlikely that will change if you become a committed couple. Working through difficulties together is a vital component of a committed relationship.
What is the overall tone of your relationship? Would you consider your relationship to be rocky, stable, up and down, exciting, or boring? Do you and your partner communicate well? Do you feel that he listens and understands what you have to say and vice versa? Communication is extremely vital to the future of any relationship and if you have communication issues now, you can only expect them to get worse over time.
Also, how do you react when you see an attractive guy or girl? Does your eye immediately wander? Do you wonder if you would be better suited with them? Or do you instantly think of your partner and reflect on how satisfied you are with him or her. If you find that you are content with your partner, you may be ready to commit.
Another question to ask yourself is this, “What does your gut instinct say?” Does your heart tell you that this is the one for you? Do you believe that you could spend the rest of your life with this person? Trusting your gut instinct is a great way to determine if you are ready for the big C. Your mind may play games on you, logic may interfere, but what is your heart telling you. If you believe that you could love this person forever, then why not give it a shot. Don’t let a fear of commitment rob you from the future joy you could have with your partner.
Alright, so I need some help in deciding what to do about my situation. First let me start off with my backgroud. I am a 21 year old student in college. I have been dating this really great guy for the past six months. Before we started dating we were really close friends for about a year. I actually ended my relationship with my previous boyfriend of two years, to date this guy, because I felt such a strong connection. We recently had a discussion reguarding our future together. He plans on going to Law School when he graduates in a year and a half, and I plan on getting a job once I have graduated. His family lives about three hours away from where we go to school, and I think that he would most likely select a law school close to his family when he chooses one. I am really bad at uncertainty in my life. It is a bad attribute I know, but I thrive on knowing my life plan and having things figured out. So when we talked about him going away, I naturally would want to become engaged before he left. We will have been dating for two years by then, and I would want that level of commitment from him if we are going to live apart. He however has been raised that people do not get engaged or married until they are done in school and have solid careers. My chief concern with this is that I will wait for him to be ready to comitt to me and I will have missed out on chances with other guys that I work with and go to school with. I love my boyfriend very much, but I am worried that he may be the type to postpone marriage until he is 28 or even 30. I don't know if I should hope that he would come around and meet me in the middle, or if I should just count my losses and get out before we get too deeply involved. He loves me very much and has communicated with me that he wants to have a future with me, but at the same time if he is so sure I am "the one" then I don't understand why we would have to date for 6 or 7 years before we got married. Am I over thinking this or should I save myself the years of dating and find someone who is where I am at in life? Please help!! Thanks
Hi Laurie,
My advice is to tell him exactly how you feel. First, I see two things here- your boyfriend is not listening to your needs, and your boyfriend is not listening to your needs.
Ok, you mentioned that your boyfriend is the type that thinks two people shouldn't be engaged until they are through with school and have their careers in order. From my perspective, here is where the real problem is. You don't agree with that thinking. You need the engagement to know that you are really a committed couple. In all honesty, your boyfriend needs to know how you feel. And yes, if your boyfriend can't give you the commitment that you need while he is in school, then I would get out of the relationship.
He is the one who needs to assure you of his commitment, and quite frankly, if he is going to go to law school and not give you that level of commitment, I would wonder what he was intending to do at law school.
If he isn't ready to commit to you before going to school, then he may be still looking for another relationship- and if that's the case- you have every right to know that.
It isn't right for you to be committed while he's in school if he's still looking around at his options.
So, I would have a very long discussion with him, and if he isn't going to propose before school, I'd tell him that you'll have see if your still available for marriage after he graduates!
okay, i have a big problem and i need help. I just got out of a really bad abusive relationship of ten years. I met this guy that took me and my four kids in to his home and is supporting us. i do work and help when i can. Him and i connected the first time we met and deep down inside i know he is the one that i want to spend the rest of my life with, but all i seem to do is hurt him all the time. We have been together for about 5 months now. which to me is not long but i really want this to work out. there are things i use to do in my past (drink, party) that is unacceptable in his life. He is a recovering alcholic of 17 years and i dont want to live like i use to i want to be able to be the one in his life forever but i keep going back to my friends and every once in awhile i will drink again. It hurts him cause i am choosing them over him. i want to show him that i care and that i love him.. Maybe i dont know how.... i guess my question is..... how can i show him that i do care for him.. how can i show my emotions and feelings? im always angry and i get mad at him very quickly, im seeing a therapist right now hoping that he can help me.. i just dont want to lose him. I am suprised he is still here for me as much as i pushed him away. Why do i do these things???
please help
shy
Hey Shy.
Iam no expert here, but it seems to me you need to build yourself a second group of (non-drinker) friends. This will help you keep a healthy social life apart from your boyfriend but also stay dry.
It may not be okay to go overboard drinking with your friends, but avoid any man that keeps you from having friends.
Good luck!
Hi Laurie,
this is actually pretty straightforward. Your guy has told you EXACTLY where he stands. If he is willing to risk losing you by not showing any commitment for next 6 or 7 years, you have no business waiting around for him. No reason to lose touch with him alltogether necessarily. 6 months is not enough for most people to make a decision like that. And the past 20 years he has been planning to go to law school trump the 6 months that he has known you for. So you shouldn't be upset with him either. Be nice and friendly but don't get too involved at this stage. Let him make his own choices and decisions, as well as be open to meeting other people yourself. Don't put any pressure on him, just live your own life, and enjoy his company while he is still there. Time will tell if he cares enough about you to involve you in his future life.
Hi
Well Ive read loads and loads of reading on this site, what a fantastic site. Lets hope it can help me as well this time.
Sooo bit of background. Im 38, been single for about 6months. Met this lovely lady off an online site that just wanted to be friends and see how things go from there.
Long story short we chatted lots, met her and really liked her. Think she liked me as well. Ended up catching up and assisting her a few weeks later and at the same time meeting her folks who also liked me. They starting match making in fact. :)
Soon we were having more and more conversations and she was spending lots of time with me as well. She is a very thoughfull woman, never met anyone like her.
There was an electric tension so to say in the air. She was also going on holiday in a week or so, but I did like her,so made it clear. She didnt know how she felt but close to leaving she decided she did like me but wouldnt stop me seeing others. She said she didnt think she could feel those romantic feelings again since her last breakup but she was now.
Over the time of her holiday we talked lots, emailed and kept in touch every couple of days. Lots of I miss yous, and even the big L word was mentioned. We soon found that we both liked similar things, had similar visions and plans in life and wanted the same things. Talk of her moving in started, not immediately but was most likely going to happen in both our eyes. I organised flowers long distance and between the two of us probably spent over $500 keeping in touch etc. She also got me a pile of nice thoughfull pressies. Like I said a lovely lady.
Well she got back and everything changed. The atmosphere was tense and awkward, whether its from jetlag or something else I dont know, but I still feel the same or stronger when she left. For her though she is just not interested and has said she doesnt think she is right for any relationship at the moment, just needs some her time. She is upset as I am. Probably the first time ive really fallen in love with someone, but yes I did. It sucks that we are both in tears, I think hers mainly that she has hurt me but either way it stinks.
She hardly messages me now, and just seems to have vanished or is trying not lead me on. I miss what we had.
Id love to know your ideas on whats happened from a fly on the wall view so to say and if we did anything wrong. And what the heck do I do to get things working again? She says she just wants to be friends, but I dont know what that means. I can give her time if she wants that, and think maybe I should suggest lets just stay how we are and take things slowly, or should I just accept she doesnt want a relationship for some reason...or with me maybe? Did we rush in? We spoke for hours at a time on the phone, playing roles in the future and how things would be. Gah I sound like im in love dont I haha. Maybe I am.
She was with a guy for about 4years as well which ended about 7months ago, but it was on the rocks for some time before that.
Sooo look forwards to your ideas.
Once again congratulations on a great site.
Thanks
Mike