You’ve been together for a long time, but now you can’t wait to be single again. You’ve been fighting constantly, never seem to agree on anything, and the thought of spending a night together bores you terribly. To top it off, you’ve been thinking that maybe it is time to call it quits.
Breaking up is never an easy decision to make, but when a relationship has run its course, it is better to end it than to let things drag on indefinitely. There are a number of different reasons why someone decides to end a relationship; usually the most common reason is that the initial feeling of love has begun to fade. It is however important to realize that in all relationships, after a certain length of time, the feelings of love will naturally diminish and the relationship will take on a new meaning.
This shouldn’t be taken as a sign to end the relationship. If however, the feelings of love fade or are replaced with negative comments, statements, or actions, this could be a warning of where the relationship is headed. Though it is common for relationships to change, and the first feelings of “spring love” to subside, it isn’t healthy for those feelings to evolve into arguments, violence, or demeaning behavior. If you are experiencing any emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, then it is definitely time to call it quits.
Along with abuse, it is also important to call it quits if you discover that your relationship is not only making you miserable, but is also robbing your self esteem. When you realize that the toll the relationship is taking on you is preventing you from enjoying life, it is time to step back and evaluate the relationship. Of course no relationship is perfect and you can expect to have ups and downs, but if things have become so negative that you no longer feel good about yourself, then the relationship is destructive and needs to end.
There are also many reasons why people choose to stay together, even though their hearts and their heads are telling them that they should end the relationship. Sometimes one partner makes the other feel guilty about leaving and basically manipulates them into staying in the relationship. This is a form of control and should be recognized as such. If you feel within your heart that the relationship is over, then you should leave and not let anyone use guilt to make you stay in a relationship.
Staying in a relationship when it is time to call it quits can lead to serious consequences. Stress, tension, and anxiety can take their toll on your health and well-being. It simply isn’t worth it. If you are suffering in a bad relationship, then it is best to end it and move on. Some times people fear being alone and they continue to suffer through bad relationships out of that fear. It is better to be alone and happy then to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. You owe it to yourself to find true happiness with someone who loves, cares for, and respects you.
HI
Hope someone can help me with this one and tell me whether ive been a selfish person or not. Honest replies would be great:), never hurts to learn from mistakes, no matter how hard they are.:(
I met my partner 6months ago, and we have had a nice relationship, apart from a few rocky parts here and there. We both live seperately. I work fulltime 8-5 job and she is a mother of 2 at home, doing parttime study during the day. I own a house that is causing a number of problems, and is taking a large part of my time. I dont know when I last saw any of my friends since the relationship or much else.
When we spent time together we got on well and had a lot of fun together. We are limited in what we can do as we cant go out much etc.
We have not gone out much and generally only spend time at each others place watching movies or boardgames and talking etc.
She has increasingly mentioned how much she wants to see me more, and how im always busy and trying to desert her trying to get off and get my own stuff done.
I generally try and spend Wed, Fri and Sat and sometimes Sunday evenings with her. Always spend part of the weekend day together as well, but not the full weekend.
I dont have a lot of time to spare, and really try and make an effort to meet those days with her as I know they are important to her.
She says im too busy for a relationship, and yet friends and family have said the amount of time Im putting in is ok, however after reading lots of posts on this site im starting to think I need to see her lots more.
Dont get me wrong, I love spending my time with her, I just also have lots of other stuff happening in my life.
Am I too busy for her as she says and my life is full of chaos or is she being slightly unreasonable...or am I the wrong sort of person she is looking for?
I dont know what to do, she has said good bye to me tonight via txt, which is harsh, but not before bringing up the number of things Ive said id do for her, and didnt. I feel so bad after this, I mean well, yet I forget things, maybe cause of everything I have on in my life.
I love her and the kids so much, and its a totally different relationship to what Im used to in the past, where I honestly didnt make that much effort. I dont know why, shoot me :(
I have dated other woman, and anything over twice a week was too much for some of them, is it she is just different and wanting whats right, or im just being selish?
Is she right? Am I really too busy?
Hi Mike,
If you are spending time with her 3-4 times per week, I think that's plenty. Some women require more attention (are less independent) than others. If she needs more of your time, and you simply cannot give it, then perhaps she is not the one for you.
Make sure that the time you DO spend with her is quality time. Plan something that they will remember. Take the kids somewhere, or plan a short day trip. It would probably be better for you not to see her Wed and Fri, and instead take them on an all-day trip on Sat and/or Sun. Work on getting that "list" of things you said you would do for her crossed off.
If the things you promised are just too expensive, well maybe you shouldn't have promised them.
That's all of the feedback I can give for now. Good luck, and let me know how it goes (I like to write that, even though nobody actually comes back to let me know how it went).
-Ron
Hey Ron,
I don't know if you are responding to anymore comments but I thought I would try. I am completely lost as to what I should do with my current relationship.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 3 months. At the beginning it was awesome, we started off long distance (about 3 hrs apart for 6 months) and we would see each other on the weekends. It was fun and not too serious for the either of us which was perfect since we were both college students. I am 22 and he is now 23.
After I graduated college we decided to move in together so that we would remain close and I moved myself and all my belongings into his city. This is where things started going downhill.
I started noticing that he had A LOT of "girl" friends, not just a few here and there but the majority of his friends were girls. I have no problem with him having female friends but he would never introduce me to any of them and would spend hours upon hours texting girls, facebooking them, even meeting new ones and telling them how nice it was to meet them. I started to feel a sense of betrayal, like I wasnt good enough for him. Not only that, but he is OBSESSED with sex. Watching porn by himself several days a week even though I've said i'd watch it with him to spice things up a bit ( he said he was uncomfortable with that), talking about strip clubs and "hott" girls with his friends, using derogatory language for female parts with his buddies...etc.etc. I've told him time after time how all of this makes me uncomfortable and he could care less. All he tells me is that, he's a guy and guys do that...but why is he always chatting up girls that I dont know, failing to introduce me to them, and talking about hot girls he's met with his buddies all of the time if he really loves me? Not to mention that we broke up for 2 weeks, and when I came back found an opened box of condoms (that we don't use) in his drawer...all while he was calling me everyday to tell me how much he loved me and missed me.
He gave me some lame excuse and denied ever having sex with someone but I dont know how i can trust him...he won't take any responsibility for anything!
I also have a history of searching his phone when I feel uncomfortable and suspicious and now hes resorted to deleting texts and taking his phone with him everywhere even into the bathroom! I am controlling but what does he expect?! He sneaks behind my back to do things, even if they arent bad.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've suggested counseling to help us rebuild trust in our relationship and he's agreed to it. But at the same time I see this longing in him to be single. I even asked him if he wanted to be single and he said yes but he wanted me too. He has to pick one!
Should I continue to stay with this guy and try to work things out, even though he fails to respect my needs and build trust in me? Is he just an immature 23 year old that will soon grow into a man or should I cut my losses and find someone who is over the bachelor lifestyle. I know I'm young and I definitely don't want to get married tommorow but I want someone who is more serious about me.
Hi Bethany,
Your boyfriend wants to have his cake and eat it too. If you were not looking for a serious relationship, that would be fine. However, it sounds like you are in the mood for more than casual dating.
I think you should explore your options here. If you are looking for something more serious, perhaps you should find an older man that is more mature and (hopefully) knows what he wants.
It's probably a bad sign that he never introduces you to his female friends. I don't want to make any guesses as to whether he is or is not sleeping with other people, but it doesn't look good.
Maybe if you leave him now, he will realize after a short time what he has been missing and will be ready for something more serious. I would say that he would need at least a month to think about his situation.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
Ron
Hi there,
I broke up with my ex a couple months ago, and now am not sure if maybe I was just being selfish or expecting too much.
He and I have a lot inn common and really hit it off. He and I each have a young child from previous relationships. (His was with us every other week and mine full-time) This caused huge trouble for us from the begginning. He had issues accepting my daughter and felt guilty for bonding with her. So he did his best not too. As well, it seemed he did not want me and his daughter to bond. I never really understood this. We got along great, when the kids werent around. It's seems that most of our arguments stemmed from them. Usually over parenting styles. My daughter has quite the personality, and he did'nt know how to deal with her because his was much more easy-going and was easier to manage. He couldnt accept the fact that they were different. To add to this, I knew we had to bond with each others kids and suggested that once every two weeks for him to go out and do something fun with my daughter and I'll go do something fun with his. This did'nt last longer than a month. He never gave us the bonding time we desperately needed. Our girls went to the same daycare (where we met) but when it came to droppinf the girls off or picking them up, we were like singles-so seperate. He would pick his up, and then I would pick mine up. It was always a big beal for him to pick up both of them. Or vise versa. I brought up counselling on numerous occasions, but always refused.
His familly is great and I miss his parents so much right now. He was never as close to my familly though. He is very introverted and usually tried to stay away. If he did come for dinner, he rarely said two words. He has'nt met my sibblings or any of my friends either. And really doesnt want to hear about them. This always bothered me.
I like to have fun and enjoy the things that life brings. Sometimes, a beer after work and nice convesation is all I need. Over three years, he has never wanted to meet me after work for some "us time" and a drink. So, day after day, I would pick up my girl from daycare and go home. I guess I became a recluse because he would never want to go out and do anything. I dont go out much, but once in a while it's nice - New years for example, he refused, three years in a row. He said I could go without him though. I learned that that was a trap. if I did go on my own, he'd get so jealous and not talk to me for days. Even grabbing a coffee after work with an old girlfriend, he'd get wierd.
It's not that he never wanted to do anything, but he only wanted to do things with the girls. (But never just mine, only when his was around). This was fun, but at times very overwealming because it was'nt ever natural, and usually ended in an argument. It was always him showing his daughtera bug or somthing, and not even thinking of mine. Like we were split down the middle. him and his daughter. Me and mine.
He doesnt believe in travelling. This is something I could have worked at, if the other issues werent issues. I love to travel. I want to travel I want to learn about other people and ways of life and history. He absolutely does not care about any of it. After three years I convinced him to take a romantic getaway with me. Just him and I. He said fine, but all he wanted to do was relax. So I planned a beach vacation for relaxation. All of a sudden, he decided he wants to shop, so I change it up. No problem. But then he reveals he just wants to stay close to home and take the kids (his kid) someplace. I explained that I neede him, alone. I explained that our relationship was so strained and we needed a chance to find ourselves together again. I needed that so bad. And he said he did'nt want to. Just like that the trip was cancelled.
We stopped talking because I felt he did'nt care about my feelings. When we talked it was never about me, my friends, my work, my bad days, or my good days. It was always about what big expensive thing he was planning to buy next, and about his job that he hates - but refuses to find another. I could'nt talk to him anymore. I found it really hard to open up to him at the end.
I think this is when I realized that life is just too short. I asked him, do you want another 50 years of the 3 we just had? I knew I didn't. And since he had told me the week before that he was'nt happy I was pretty sure his answear was the same.
I'm finding this hard now, because we definately did have fun sometimes. And when we did it was a blast until the last year. He became very negative, and this rubbed off on me.
So now, here we are. Single. and it's been a roller-coaster. I got lonely and sort-of asked him out. He said no. Then he did the same. I said no. I still love him, and if he really showed he cared I might go out with him again. (Which I know would likely end in disaster). He has been calling and stuff but never comes out and says how he feels. I am pretty sure he doesnt want me, but wants to keep me at arms lenght - just in case. He says sweet things and that he;s jealous of my life without him. I tell him to stop calling or texting me if in his eyes it's trully over. And if its not - to come talk to me in person and have an actual discussion.
But he doesnt get it. I don't know what to do or to think. I think I just want to move on from this, but it's hard. And harder when he doesnt let go.
Should I even be considering getting back with him?
Was I selfish to leave for these reasons?
Thanks, and I apologize if none of this makes sense.
what if u love someone and when u r with them u are happy but the moment u leave she tends to not bother. she dnt txt me unless i had txted her previously. we hang out twice a week usually but she has decided to hang with friends randomly on 1 of our days then wot.
I am currently going through a very confusing time and I am at a loss as to what to do.
My partner and I emigrated to NZ 4 years ago I was pregnant with our first daughter and I have since had another. Everything went downhill after the birth of our second daughter. Emotionally I was in a terrible place as the birth was premature and there were a few difficulties. I didn't feel like I had any support from my partner he's never been mentally strong so when I needed him, he wasn't there. I think that was the when something triggered in me.
He is very home sick and has black moods all the time. We are in conflict here too as I am happy where we are. I am a positive person by nature and he's the opposite. In the beginning this was fine as I didn't mind cheering him up and sorting things out positvely but now I just don't have the inclination or energy.
I do not feel physically attracted to him anymore and when I think about him at all I just feel numb. We sleep in seperate bedrooms in the beginning this was because he works night shifts. It was supposed to be so we both got sleep without disturbing one another but deep down, that was an excuse. The rows are getting more hurtful I know it can't go on like this. I genuinely believe we should split but I can't help feeling guilty for him being out here. I think if we were still in the UK, we would've split ages ago. I'm normally a strong person but right now that has all left me and I feel weak and confused.
Through the "articles" I ahve read, not one of them touched my heart as this one. I literally did cry, facing the realizations.... matter of fact not even realizations but my subconcious and so forth. The whole time i was thinking "god what the efff is wrong with me? It is not me because if it was he wouldnt have wanted to be with anyone more beautiful inside and out. I realize he is struggling with his own insecurities and as a result is that of which I suffer. Ofcourse he doesnt want to make me feel or even say that i am beautiful, after all that may be one further step away from him. However females are not always about looks or physique sometimes we settle for what appears to be a down to earth man who accepts his own flaws and our own and "expect" him to be alright with everything he is not. The lowest blow is bringing someone else down with you. As an absolutely "amazing" yet humble induvidual who could literally have anyone who laid eyes on her, I settled for too many men who made me feel less than confident. This is part of their game,belittle you until you feel like you are worth nothing and no man would ever want you and they have you like putty in their hands. he will walk all over you take advantage of you for sure and because of his ego, trick you into thinking hes the only man for you who would care about you, etc... etc... etc... I do know this ladies, this is where they all go wrong in thinking we "need" them as apposed to choosing them to be around. If I have a man in my life, it damn sure isnt because I need him, it is strictly by choice and fuck accomodating my lifestyle to his needs... thats what his mother and father are for. So you see ladies it is a seperation of degree, peter pan sindrome write home to mother and if ur lucky she'll make u a pb and j.
Jackie,
Your comments are general in nature. Although all of the men you have met may have been characterized by the "game" you describe, not all men act this way. Your opinions are duly noted, but this is a relationship advice column, not a man-hating festival.
Thanks,
Ron
Kitty,
Sorry for the late response. I hope I'm not too late. The main concern I would have is for your children. If this is not a huge obstacle for you, you should do what is right for you. If he is unhappy in NZ, he has the ability to go back to the UK. If you leave him, he will have no excuse to stay in NZ and be miserable.
It is not clear to me from your post whether you are married or not. If you are not, this makes the decision even easier (although I realize it is not easy to begin with). If you are able to support both children on your own, I think you will realize what you must do to have a happier life. If you want to avoid a breakup, you can request that your partner see a therapist. Perhaps therapy and/or medication could help with the mood issues.
Good luck,
Brandon
Niki,
If you are reading this, your reasons were valid, and I hope you are happier now. Your feelings and your daughter are important issues, and you were right to consider these.
Thanks,
Ron
Hey Ron,
I'm not real sure if your still answering to people and stuff but I feel as though I need to get advice one last time before I seriously decide.
The gist of it is that my boyfirend and I have been together for 2 years. We have had major ups and downs, tears and laughter together,He is my best friend and we get along great when we don't fight. but I feel as though we've really reached a wall and a all time low in our relationship. I love my boyfriend very much, but we both are at a breaking point. My boyfriend and I have had ALOT of issues we've worked though and still need to work through. However one BIG one is trust. He started out with my trust and it just went downhill. I told him in the very beginning my main thing is honesty, don't lie to me ever. I want to build that trust so we could really have something special together.
However within the first few monthes of our relationship he lied, ALOT about things involving his ex-girlfriend. Through investigating I found he was still talking to her (which wouldn't be a problem because I didn't mind, I didn't want to control him or anything). However I saw that in these conversations he was still talking about being with her, and loving her and ect. Which this when I found out completely tore me apart. Because when I confronted him about it , he lied until the cows came home. After much painful endurings he finally came clean in a way, and agreed to stop this nonsense and change his ways. Then even after, she was incredibly manipulative and trying to break up up. However I tried to be very nice to her many times, but all she did was be nice to my face and say nasty things behind my back to the rest of his friends.Even though I really hated it because of how manipulative she was, I didn't complain with them still being friends. It wasn't until I got really fed up with her two-faced ways when I told him, the friendship had to end becuase she was destructive.
Fastfoward to about last june, and i found out just by messing with his Itouch (accidently incidently) that he was finding people on chat sites and having private emails with them and them sending him pornagraphic photos of themselves. When I confronted him, he lied and lied and lied about it, and we nearly broke up. It was excrutiating to deal with all of it. Because he insisted he did absolutely nothing wrong. He even lied straight to my face when I asked him about all of it , claiming I had found his mother's email and he made the email under his name for her, and he had found it was surprised by it too. It wasn't until days later he acknowledged it was him. Then monthes later before he admitted what he did was even the slightest of bit wrong.
Fastforward to about a month ago, there was this week where I had achieved honor awards and I had invited him to go out to dinner with my family and I to celebrate. He said he couldn't because he had to go visit a family friend with his mom (they're very close )and he was really sorry, we hung out that saturday, then we couldn't hang out sunday because he had to work all that day.
However after seeing a picture posted on facebook of him and two of his friends that are girls and I noticed the date it was posted. It was posted the day of my celebration dinner and one of the girls commented how how much fun they had had on that day. I was absolutely enraged to find he had lied to me again, and not been there for me on the one day it was to celebrate me!
He tried to lie and lie his way out of it, and I kept finding the errors in what he was telling me. Until finally I said it was over, and he came clean about how he doesnt like my parents so he hung out with his two friend that are girls and they went to these stores and get ice cream. (which he HATES to go shopping with me, but will go with ANY of his other friends that are girls). The saturday he had hung out with me, then on sunday he went to work and brought his friend jessica (he didn't even think for a second to bring me, NOT her) whose a total hoe (sorry but she is) with him the whole time he was there!(main reason that i don't like her is because she lied about the fact she had a private converstaion with me to my boyfriend and lied to my boyfriend about it. But he doesn't care that apparently his 'bestfriend' lied to him)
During this whole time we've been together these were the big lies I found out about, however I'm positive there were smaller lies inbetween.
Today was our 2 (april 10) year anniversary, and i went out got him a gift, got dressed up and was ready with a smile to have a great day and he just starts it with being a total and complete ass, with an attitude about everything. Eventually it got better later on, but then got very bad later. I looked at his phone (which he hates because he has control issues)and saw texts from him and jessica about getting dinner together, when he said he went home and fell asleep the other night. And I don't know how to believe him on anything. I used to be so rational, and cool about everything. but after all these lies i turned into a crazy jealous mistrustful girlfriend. I try really hard though to push past it. I know he works very hard, and I do everything I can to support him, show him I appreciate him and respect him. But i feel it goes by completely unnoticed. and after it all has the nerve to go on about how pissed he gets at me looking at his phone, and how I should trust everything he says and let stuff go!
We've gotten into so many fights lately over trust and all he ever tells me is how much I stress him out, and I'm always calling him a million times (which I admit i do, because i don't trust him, i just want him to answer the phone and not ignore my calls, and just get confirmation on what hes doing) and ect. He is so selfish and makes it about him and even told me how he feels he has to control everything and can get away with anything.
Just after everything, I don't know what to do because I feel incredibly emotionally drained, because i feel like i give and give and give, and he feels to equvialent to my giving to taking me to restaurants once in while or buying me an expensive girft. Which its not! He just doesn't understand how much he affects me.
I feel like i'm out of hope, i'm on my last strand to save my relationship. He tell me to trust him and get over my jealousy and trust issues. But what he needs to do is grow the hell up, and realize that im coping in the only way i know how, hes broken my trust so many times, Its torn me apart. Personally I think calling in to check and checking his texts is a very light thing to deal with after everything hes put me though.
Please help me,I'll take any advice, I'm at my last end. I want nothing more then to try to salvage this relationship if I can. We've accomplished so much together, I can't stand to see it go down the tolit.
Avana,
Thank you for clarifying your situation. I know two years can seem like an eternity, but in the grand scheme of things, it is not.
Here's the problem (as I see it). Your boyfriend has done multiple things which have caused you to mistrust him. So, you trust him less. Since you trust him less, you behave in ways that are insecure and off-putting (checking up on him), which pushes him away even more.
Without both of you working hard to rebuild that trust (and it doesn't sound like he wants to try), you need to move on. I don't see how you can have a happy and healthy relationship without trust. If you do move on, remember thatthe new guys you date are not your ex, so try to trust them!
Thank you Ron, your input has given me much to think about. I'm so glad you were able to sort through this mess and find the real issue, due to my emotional distress i was unable. I think I'm going to tell him either he needs to recognize the past and work to build trust with me for the future or we'll have to move on. I hate ultimatums and I know neither one of us wants to be without another. But if he isn't going make a serious effort to help fix this and stop being so stubborn,then he doesn't leave me with much of a choice does he?
Ron,
I read this article, and I need to know if what I'm feeling is the first sign of a red flag to end the relationship -- or if it's just me being overanalytical (like most females).
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 months. 6 months in words seem really short, but it seems like it's been forever. I love him, I really do, and believe me, I'm the ultimate believer of the book "He's just not that into you" -- and if he was showing signs that he is losing interest, I'd know. His family is amazing, the sex is the best I've ever had... he is the most attentive man I've been with.
We've always had a relationship where we joke around each other a lot, we were friends prior to getting into this (partially why it feels like longer than 6 months). Sometimes, yes, we say things to each other that are "mean"... think relationship between Lynette and Tom Scavo on Desperate Housewives. BUT, sometimes, the jokes get old... he keeps going with things that are over the top and doesn't apologize when I get upset. He thinks I'm being too emotional and pouty. I guess my problem is that when we first started dating, he was a big "court"-er, and that part of him has diminished and now we act like a married old couple who's been together for 40 years... but we're not!
Sometimes I get so upset and the things he does to relieve the tension makes the situation worse. I find myself irritated by him and when he tries to make things better by asking if I'm alright and if I'm in a better mood. I'll say this: I feel that the red flag is that when I'm upset by him, I don't like the person I am. I'm not her! I don't pout, act like a brat, and say mean things that I would never want said to me. But I do when it comes to my beloved boyfriend. Am I just so in love that I do this? Or is it time?
Meeyuu,
You are probably acting "not like yourself" because you care a great deal about your boyfriend, and it's frustrating when you can't control something that makes you upset. You have to be careful about the ways you act out, but you need to confront the issue in a different way.
This is not one of the typical red flags that I see on this column. It seems far from being "time" to move on. However, you should sit down with your bf one day (when neither of you in particular is upset, and when you are both generally in a good mood) and let him know how you feel. Tell him the jokes are getting old, and it's beginning to hurt your feelings at this point. Don't escalate the situation, just tell him how you feel, and that maybe it IS you being overly sensitive but you can't help the way you feel, and you hope he respects you enough to consider that the next time he's tempted to crack a sarcastic joke. If he's generally agreeable and takes your input into account, give him a big kiss and tell him you love him. ;-)
I can't emphasize enough that you should not bring this up when you are upset or in an argument. It will not work, and could make the situation worse. Guys tend to want to "win" an argument, so talk to him when he is not as defensive and you are not upset.
Have a great week, and good luck.
Ron
Hi Ron, I have been seeing this guy for about 9 months. We are both still married but separated and planning on divorce. He has a son, I don't have kids. His relationship with his spouse is mostly fighting with each other. Mine is ok though compared to him and reason I'm thinking about divorce is because of this guy. We work for the same company and this is how we met. The relationship started out as just being able to have someone for support and sex. After sometime, I started having feelings for him. I mentioned this to him before saying that I'm starting to like him a lot. He said that he doesn't want a relationship for now as he wants to work in the country where his son resides so he doesn't want to get tied back. I said I won't stop him if he wants to find work in another country and if he wants I am willing to go anywhere with him. His answers sounded positive to me before so I kept the relationship going. The thing that bothers me is that he seems ashamed to be seen with me. We go on trips but he doesn't want pictures especially pictures of the 2 of us. He hasn't told any of his friends about me. But when he goes out with his coworker friends, he always brings me along and we always share food and he pays most of the bill if not all. Is this an indication that he wants them to know about us? Or is it just some sort of bragging right? 2 months ago he was assigned to a different state which is fine with me. We still text and call each other everyday and we visit each other every month. In the last month, he has been complaining that he feels smothered that he has to call me everyday and that I'm clingy. I've never prevented him on doing his own thing. I just want to have contact with him everyday. Is this wrong? Am I requiring too much of him? Anyways, I brought up the issue again of me having feelings for him and he still doesn't want a relationship so I ask him how he defines us and he said sort of friends with benefits! aside from this, I brought up the issue about why he doesn't tell any of his friends about me. He said I'm a great person and great friend but he doesn't see a future together so he doesn't tell everyone. In addition to that he said he's just not in love with me and doesn't know why. That maybe he doesn't have any more love to give? Mind you, both were text messages. I asked him to call me so we can discuss but he didn't. This really hurt me. I thought we had a good thing going. We almost never fight, sex is great and we are good friends. With the last statements he gave me, the fact that he didn't call when I asked him to, the fact that when he finally decided to call he acted as if he didn't say anything hurtful, do you think this relationship is still worth pursuing? Is there a chance that he coukd fall in love with me over time? Or should I just try to move on and go back to my husband?
Dear Confused,
This started off as you said, as a support relationship with sex. You both started with the same goal. However, when your feelings changed, his didn't. You should move on. He is not likely to suddenly develop feelings for you. Also, guys don't always know what they have until it is gone.
I can't tell you why he acts the way he does, but it's obvious he doesn't want anything serious right now. Many people in long distance relationships talk every few days (not everyday). However, everyone is unique and has their own set of needs. He is not meeting your needs, and sees it as a chore. It's time to move on. I hope this helps.
Ron Z.
Thanks Ron. I am trying to move on slowly now. I never initiate contact with him (text, call, email). He calls me every 2 days though (as he said this is acceptable for him compared to everyday). I still can't bring myself not to answer his calls. And I can't bring myself to open the topic of what he wants and why he is still calling. He still acts as if nothing happened. Maybe eventually I can bring this up and move on fully. For now, I just don't have the strength to do so. :-(
Ron,
For the past year the man I fell deeply in love with has been lying to me everyday. When I met him, he told me he was seperated but living with his parents. I believed him because I had to do the same thing when I went through my divorce. Come to find out, per his wife leaving me a voicemail on my phone, that he has been living with his wife, having sex with her and pretending to try to work things out with her. All the while he was telling me that he was getting a divorce and that I was his soul mate and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
Since the sh!t hit the fan, he's told me that he has moved in with one of his friends, and doing a "legal-zoom" divorce. He came over to my house and in front of my mother, brother and my brother's wife confessed to what he had lied to me about and promised all of us that he was getting his divorce, and all he wanted in his life was me. My family grilled him with questions they had, but they are leaving the decision up to me to take him back. I told my ex that I will not have any contact with him until he had signed and documneted divorce papers in hand and then we would have to do extensive couple's counseling to regain trust. I have so many uncertainties now..Can the therapy repair us? Will I ever love/trust him like i used to? Will he be faithful to me for a few years, and then go back to his cheating ways? Does he want me to be his "saftey relationship", while he goes out and gets his excitement somewhere else?
I talked to his wife, and she said that they were over and she wanted to move on with her life. She didn't blame me, because she knew i didn't know about him living with her.
Ron, could he really be telling the truth about being married to the wrong person? or is he just a cheater that got caught?
Matilda,
This is a difficult question to answer, because I cannot tell whether someone is lying or cheating over the internet.
However, I will say this. It seems like it would have been a LOT easier for your ex to just let things go. The fact that he came over and confessed everything to your whole family makes me believe that he is probably sincere. Whether you decide to take him back is your decision, but I like your decision to stand firm and wait until he has the papers in hand.
Good luck,
Ron
Hey Ron, ive been with my girlfriend for 2 years and 7 months now. im only 17 so i feel that is a good thing. But at the same time an old friend came back into my life and i really feel like im falling in love with her. With my current relationship we do fight alot, plus she gets mad over some stupid things. Our relationship has turned into almost a pure Sex relationship at times. Shes been kissed by 2 other guys and didnt tell me until a couple days after. I Really do love my friend but i dont know what i should do. Plus my gf doesnt like dipping and i do dip and i was wondering if i should tell her Asap? Well, please just answer me asap Ron. Im in a very hard situation and i dont know what i should Do!
I have been with my fiance 2 years and engaged since the new year we have a six month old and I am 16 weeks pregnant. All we do is fight and can't agree on anything. He desires to spend no time with me even on our days off together. Intimacy is at its lowest ever which means never. I am not sure whether staying together would be best for us and our children or breaking off before it gets to bitter. I have more to consider with kids so I'm not sure what to do. I definitely want things to work but after countless conversations and attempts at trying to talk it out this is my last resort at some third party advice.
Thanks.
Hi Janet,
First of all, before I give you my opinion, I should let you know that I have never had children. Therefore, I'm not intimately familiar with the mood swings, hormonal changes, etc that come with pregnancy or the difficulties that it may contribute to a committed relationship.
However, do you think these may be contributing factors to your relationship? How long have things been bad? Were things back to being good after the birth of your six month old? One of the things I have heard from new parents is that intimacy decreases after the birth of a child, because all of your attention and focus is on them, not on you. Couples have to try hard to make time for one another and re-establish that intimacy.
Without having additional information, I would say stick it out. Do what you can to fulfill your needs (without cheating of course). Sometimes it's better to win the war than win the battle. What I mean is, sometimes it's better not to get your way. If you disagree on something, and its relatively minor in the big scheme of things, let him have his way (if it seems to be important to him). The reason I'm saying this is that it might actually contribute to greater intimacy. I'm guessing based on your post that having a healthy sex life is more important to you than the paint color on the walls, or what channel you are watching tonight on TV. Well, hopefully you get what I'm talking about here.
Let him know that you don't want to fight anymore, and that all you really care about is getting things back to the way they used to be. Tell him you miss him. Do the things in the bedroom that he loves (men can be easy to please).
I think these steps will bring you closer to realizing what lies ahead for you. If you try all of these things, and the situation doesn't improve, then perhaps you aren't right for each other and it's time to move on. However (as painful as it might be), I would suggest that you wait until your second child is born before giving up hope. Good luck to you, and let me know how it works out.
Hi Ron,
I have been married for 10 years and we have a daughter who is 4. Here is the situation: When I was pregnant I had a pre-eclampsia. My husband worked with this girl who was also married, but having an affair. She kept asking my husband to come to water parks and other places. He would drag me out of the house to spend time with this woman who I didn't even know. I felt fat and ugly with the pregnancy and communicated with him that I did not want to go, but he would make the plans anyway. After I had the baby she was less than 2 lbs so she had to stay in the hospital in ICU. This was a tough time for me. This woman would call him on his cell phone while we were spending time with our baby. He would go out into the hall to speak with her. Then he would tell me that she was just being nice and that she was asking about the baby and I; that she wanted to be my friend. I felt violated and asked him to make her stop calling. One day he came home from work and told me that she was going to meet us at the hospital to see the baby. I told him "no, I do not want her to come there, tell her no." He wouldn't do it. I cried and begged him to tell her not to come; that my time with my baby was just that, "my time." Well, she met us there since he would not tell her no. Every time I tried to talk to him about it he would tell me that I was crazy and stick up for her; never seeing my side. I believe it was him that she wanted.
Just last November my husband went to a 6 week training in another state. while there he met a lot of people. One of the people was a woman who would email him jokes and chat stuff. I communicated to him that it made me feel uncomfortable when he talks to her in an email more than he does to me at home. Once again he said that I was crazy, but he says that he quit communication with her. Well right now he is 2 hours away at another training for 3 weeks and that same woman is there as well. He claims that he didn't know she was going to be there. We just moved into a new home so I have been unpacking the boxes while he is gone. If I need him he never answers his cell phone or his room phone. I have spoken to him about the importance of us being able to get hold of him, but yet it hasn't sunk in. He knows that I do not trust him and yet he plays these games; or is just plain stupid. Tonight I was on fb and read where this woman was watching the movie Salt. When my husband did finally answer his cell he told me that he was in a guy friend's room watching the same movie!!! Now I am not sure that I believe him.
Bottom line is that I do not trust him and I don't know what to do. Would he really do anything with another woman? I don't know. He says he would never, but anyone could "say" that. Do I take this as a sign to just say it's over? I am hurting and need advice. I do not have any friends here yet.
Hi Patricia,
I can see the difficulty of your situation. In 10 years of marriage, you must have certainly built up trust with your husband. However, his actions are not helping things.
He should be easier to get a hold of, but it doesn't necessarily mean that he is cheating on you. The fact that he was watching the same exact movie is suspicious, but it's a hotel, so often people watch the same movies on the pay channels.
If this is driving you crazy and you absolutely must know, there is always the possibility of hiring a private investigator in the state he is visiting. However, this is a little mistrustful in itself, so I don't necessarily recommend this.
He should have respected your wishes about bringing a stranger by to see the baby, but perhaps it was his way of trying to show you that nothing was going on.
This is really a gray area, so I really can't advise you what to do. Only you can make this decision. Make sure you are positive before you throw 10 years of marriage away. Good luck.
Hi Ron
I am really confused much like the others on here. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 3 years. She has recently expressed that she is not happy and she needs time and space to figure things out.
I would normally do so and move on but I happen to be in a situation that I have no where else to go and my finances do not support living in a motel or getting an apartment.
She has stated that she is not happy with her progress in life and where she is at in life.
She is very insecure with her self and I have tried to help with that but I believe that is beyond my helping.
I have tried to talk to her and she states that she is confused and doesn't know why she feels the way that she does. She has always held in her feeling instead of talking about them. She says that she loves me and she doesn't want to break up with me. She has also stated that she wants to be alone but she feels guilty for this and selfish. Does this mean that she wants to end things but she doesn't want to hurt my feelings?
She started talking to another guy that she claims is just someone to talk to. I found this out by snooping around otherwise I don't think that I would have found out. I'm not sure if anything went on but it destroyed a lot of trust. I have not forgiven her for her actions but I plan to in time regardless if it works out or not.
I left for a few days and slept on the couch at my brothers and she called and texted me. My brothers place was only temporary.we decided that I would move back in and work things out but it has not been going the way it was planned out. She is cold toward me and distant. It seems like she tries to be in a different room at all times.
I really do want this to work and I love her. I want to show her that I care and that I am supportive. This may be coming across as desperate I'm sure but I don't understand what I should do based on my situation.
There is also a little girl involved, Her daughter which I have grown very attached to. I love her and treat her like she is my own daughter and knowing that relationship would end as well really hurts.
She is going to go and talk with a counselor tomorrow about her feelings and her happiness or lack of. I'm not sure how long I should give this.
Any advice would be helpful and greatly appreciated
Hi Brian,
If your girlfriend needs space, I suggest you give her plenty of space, and be there for her whenever she needs you. Your living situation shouldn't really have anything to do with whether you stay together. If you can't afford a place to live, it's probably time to start working and making some income if she needs her space.
Her feelings could also be the result of depression. The counselor should have a better idea of what is going on once he/she talks with her. Best of luck to you!
Hi Ron,
I'm coming to you because I feel so absolutely confused about what to do and thought it would be best to get an outside perspective...
First, let me start by giving you some background info. Both my partner and I are in our early twenties, from Asian upbringings, and are in a relatively new (been together for 4 months) long-distance relationship. This is actually my first relationship hence why I don't know what is considered 'normal'. The relationship actually started off quite rocky (mainly due to me being unsure whether I wanted to be in one) and he was very patient with me. For that I was very grateful.
However as our relationship grew, I'm starting to feel unsure again. I feel so selfish by saying this but I feel like I'm a convenience for him. By that I mean I'm the one who makes the effort in texting him (sometimes he doesn't even text back) and arranging it so that I can come visit him. We both have busy schedules but he would rather spend his time hanging out with his friends than coming to see me. I probably see him less than once a month even though we live 2 hours away, and each time it's because I've arranged with him a time and travelled to see him.
He has told me he is still hurting from a past relationship and I get that. I'm trying my best to be patient but at the same time I'm putting myself through emotional turmoil and am actually hurting. Should I continue and tough it out or should I walk away? I don't know anymore..
Marie,
It has only been 4 months, and things are already pretty bad. As you pointed out, 2 hours is not a lot of distance. You are obviously not the priority in his life. Start looking around for someone closer. Your first relationship should be better than this. Tell him when he has recovered from his past relationship, he knows where to find you.
With only two hours distance, you should probably be seeing each other at least twice a month. I would consider that "normal" unless there is something else you're not telling me. Good luck!
Thank you for your advice Ron =)
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. He just recently moved in (we live with my parents). He has become emotionally distant and always seems agitated. When I confront him about it he gets defensive and says he's just stressed out from work. He never likes to talk about our relationship, or if I am having an issue where I would like to talk about something dealing with us he always changes the subject or just doesn't respond. We don't fight, usually, and recently he has gotten extremely mad at me, to the point where he has stayed other places for the night, over things that aren't that big of a deal. I don't know what to do. I want to stay with him, but if he won't talk about what is making him mad I'm not sure what can be done. Any advice would be great. Thanks!
Betsy
Hi Betsy,
The behavior you're describing is a little strange, and it seems that communication is almost non existent. I would suggest finding an affordable relationship counselor to help you work on the communication issues.
However, if your boyfriend refuses to consider this, it doesn't seem that you have many options left. At this point, it would be time to start considering a breakup. You might have had a great relationship, but if the communication issues continue, it will be very difficult to make the relationship work.
Good luck!
Hi Ron,
I have been feeling very on the fence lately. My boyfriend and I have been living together for over a year, and I just have started getting super annoyed with him. It's not something silly either, like leaving the toilet seat up. Our physical intimacy is seriously lacking. And these are two people young and healthy in our 20s. I've tried everything!! And because of this it has made me very angry and annoyed with him. I sometimes lash out at him out of nowhere. It's come to the point where I just rather be working or sleeping so I don't have to face our issues anymore. I really love and care about him, and he still is very wifely to me (cooks for me, takes me out places, we go on little getaways)- there's just nothing happening physically. I really don't know what to do, because I don't want to face temptation and end up cheating on him.
Aside from all this, he'll go out and have a lot of drinks with his friends but at the end of the day, there is no passion. I have confronted him with the issue and he says it has nothing to do with me, but he just has no desire to do anything physical anymore. Advice?
P.S. I'm just curious- are you, yourself in a relationship?
Oh, I forgot to mention. He has very low self esteem, and because of this he talks to random girls online a lot who think that he is attractive, or lets girls pursue him for the ego boost. This makes me very angry! Once I caught a suspicious facebook message from a girl we both met when we were out together at a bar! They had went out one night, and he never told me, and they "couldn't remember" if they hooked up because they both "blacked out".... Yeah.
Hi Alice,
Where should I begin? From your note, it's difficult to say which started first (the lack of physical intimacy, or the talking with other girls online). It seems as if they might be related. Let me explain. I'm going to assume that the lack of physical intimacy started first (because that makes a little more sense to me). Can you remember how or why this happened? Was it gradual, or was there an argument or event that you can remember that might have triggered it?
There seems to be a vicious cycle here. There is a lack of physical intimacy, so you get annoyed and angry. You act this way towards him, which then makes him less likely to want physical intimacy (would you want to get cuddle or "get busy" with someone who's angry?).
After dealing with his angry, annoyed girlfriend, perhaps he goes online to see if anyone out there would be nice and make him feel better about himself.
Let me be clear here. I'm not making excuses for your boyfriend's behavior (or yours). I'm only theorizing what may be happening in the relationship based on what you told me.
Now that we have that out of the way, what should you do about it? I would start with a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend. No tv, cell phones, or computers...sit down for 5-10 minutes and tell him that you feel like things haven't been so good lately. Accept some of the blame yourself, and admit to him that you are a little annoyed with yourself for acting angry towards him more than usual. Tell him you want things to be the way they used to be, and that you will work on being less angry and annoyed towards him (it's okay to have these feelings, but don't take it out on your partner). Then, explain to him what is bothering you. Tell him you love him, but you really want to spice things up in the bedroom. Ask him if there's anything you can do (fantasies, role playing, etc) to make him more excited and "in the mood."
You can confront him about your suspicions, but this will likely only trigger defensive behavior, and it won't solve any of your problems. It sounds like you want to work things out, so my advice is based on that. If he tells you things he wants to do in the bedroom that you can't accept, or if things don't improve after this, then perhaps it's time to move on. You're young, and as they say "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Good luck Alice.
Oops, I noticed a few typos after I responded. I'll also respond to your previous question. Am I in a relationship? I didn't answer that question, because it isn't relevant to the "real" question you want answered. Does it make me more or less "qualified" to respond to relationship questions if I'm in a relationship myself? No. If this was a qualifying factor, then you yourself would be an "expert" and you wouldn't seek the advice of a stranger. Let's just say that I'm the voice of reason, and I know a thing or two about relationships. I won't judge you, my responses don't cost a thing, and my opinions are not biased because I don't know you.
I agree with all that you are saying. From the beginning of the relationship he has never been a sexual deviant. I tried lingerie, taking him out for dates, etc and nothing seems to work. He just doesn't seem that into it, and now it's literally every 4 weeks. He knows my concerns and feelings, but nothing seems to improve. I guess I don't know what to say without repeating myself and making it more annoying for him. Also that question had NOTHING to do with qualifications. You're speaking to a college dropout. I could care less about prerequisites. It was genuine curiosity on my part.
Once a month seems a little low for a guy in their 20's in a relationship. Guy's have extremely high sex drives around this age. If anything, I'm surprised it's not the other way around! Perhaps it's time to find someone whose intimacy needs are aligned with your own.
Hi,mayia
My friend and I have been friends for over 5 years and yes the relationship is sexual,which I regret. In the begining he talked about being in a serious relationship and wanting to be wit me and that he loved me very much which I know he does but he seems to not show it like he use to. We been together for 5 years as more then friends but never commited and that has been a problem for for me so it has been off and on for him and I which partly is my faulty due to him not wanting to commit.He knows that I love him and he took advantage of that. Yes there were times when I got upset at how the relationship was going and would just leave for months and wouldn't speak to him and would return and expect everything to go back to how it was and that wasn't right but I just felt like we both wasn't meeting and respecting each other needs and concerns. I felt i had to let him know until he made a commitment then it was over,but did he "no "it was always you do have to have a title to be in love with someone..He has 3 children now I don't have any and I know he has to be a dedicated father that's no doubt but i figure when u do not have the children then that should be our time,I feel he still trying to play the single role and have him a play girlfriend on the side and fraakly i'm tired of it. So what type of plan or advice would be good in for a situation like this. anything would be greatly appreciated:)
Hi Niala,
Unless there is something you're not telling me, you should probably stop seeing this guy. He has three kids (all with the same woman?) He's not ready (and possibly will never be ready) for a committed relationship, and this is clearly what you want. Try dating other people and see if you can find that spark with someone else. If you were fine with this "friends with benefits" relationship, then there wouldn't be an issue that you are clearly tired of it and want something more. You've been unhappy with this situation for awhile, so it's time to try to move on.
Ron
Hi Ron,
No he has 3 kids with 3 different woman,and when I said "play girlfriend I was refering to myself. He's always saying I'll be ready to get married within the next 5 years and I'm like well what's wrong wit being in a relationship now. It's always "U don't need a title to be in love wit someone" So to be honest my attitude has change alot towards him we argrue on the smallest things,especially him not spending enough time wit me, not answering his phone. He gets upset when I don't but he feels he doesn't have to. I feel like I should'nt have to beg to spend time wit the guy I love.So recently we talk and I told him he's gonna have to meet me in the middle if he wants to work this out,so this past weekend I'm thinkin were gonna spend time together,my guess wrong! He didn't have his children yet I got two texts on friday and a one text on sundy saying "Oh no love " I'm thinking u did watever u wanted for the weekend then decided to text me to c if I was cool wit it and I'm tired of the crap. Most of my friends have more than one dude and I don't want to do that but now I know why. So are his chances definetly up? What words should I say to end it lightly,so that we could possibly be friends in the future.
He has 3 kids with 3 different women, and he doesn't spend enough time with you...it's definitely time to move on. From the outside, this guy seems to be using you for an escape from his reality. I'm really finding it difficult to stick up for him. Good luck!
Hi Ron
Thank you, I do have alot to think about now. I do appreciate u taking out the time responding. Take care
Thanks for good info :)
Hi Ron,
I have been with this man for over two years, we got together 5 months after he told his wife to move out. It was great alot of fun nothing serious, thank god because i was hurt very badly by my ex i chose to not get serious, then things got serious over the six month mark, i love his kids h has two teenagers but two are very young, im 27 and hes 38, we get along well, but every few months he starts to ignore me, end get weird then he says he doesnt know what he wants and is not sure he will ever want to be serious, i works my ass off to take care of him and help him he has severe depression and has struggled with addiction, and i helped through all that, but after a year he broke up with me out of no where, and then continued to want to see me for occasional sex, even though he was already serious with someone else, that hurt so bad to know he could go from caring to just thinking i was some kind of slut. Well a few months went by and all of a sudden he wanted me back so we tried again, and things were great!!! Now we past two years together and hes doing the same thing again telling me he doesnt know if he can give me his all, that it makes him depressed to know that hes hurting me because of him being unsure, and after all that said two days later he texts me wanting to sleep around and treat me like a some slut!!!! i want something serious i want someone to know that they need me, What should i do i love him but then i hate how he makes me feel!!!!
Hi Melissa,
It almost sounds like this guy doesn't want anything more than a "friends with benefits" arrangement. He has fun with you, but doesn't have a real or active interest in becoming serious with you.
It also sounds as if you don't want this. Initially, you were fine with a casual relationship, but now you have strong feelings and will only be happy with a serious relationship. If this is true, you might want to put all your cards on the table, let him know how you feel. If he doesn't want something serious and you do, you should move on.
Ron