Repairing broken trust in a relationship can be very difficult. Many times the reason for the broken trust stems from infidelity or broken promises and these violations within a relationship can virtually destroy it. If you and your partner are committed to working through it though, you will find that your relationship can become stronger than ever.
Before any trust can be rebuilt you must address how and/or why it was broken in the first place. This is the time for brutal honesty. A complete confessional of how the trust was broken should only be done when you are both ready to hear it. Heartfelt apologies should be offered with indications of remorse and promises to not violate the trust again.
There is a massive amount of stress on your relationship once the trust has been broken. Reconciliation can happen first. This happens when both you and your partner make an agreement to work on the issues and rebuild the trust and the relationship. Reconciliation usually has to happen before forgiveness. It also indicates that you are invested in salvaging the relationship and not giving up on it. In many cases it will be up to the person that violated the trust to initiate reconciliation.
The most difficult task is then to forgive. It is never easy to forgive, but if you continue to hold on you will constantly live in a state of rage or anger. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you excuse abusive behavior. It does mean that you are able to work towards letting go of the past. Relationship experts suggest starting with forgiving your partner for their weakness. Your partner also needs to be ready to be forgiven and accept the consequences of their actions.
Sit down with your partner and reevaluate your goals. Remind each other what your priorities are and what unifies your life together. Sometimes a vocal or written commitment to the relationship is a good place to start. Try to avoid setting up conditions of forgiveness.
Getting outside help is strongly recommended. Make an appointment for the two of you to sit down with a relationship counselor. This should be a safe environment for both of you to be honest about how the trust has been damaged or lost. These counselors will have steps for you to go through that will help repair any damage, or in the worst cases, help you to safely walk away from each other.
Dear Howard,
You are victim of a cycle that snares many relationships. Though many people may state that open relationships, swinging, or group sexual encounters are healthy for a relationship, the truth is that they are not. There is something that seems to be innately bred within a person that leads them to a one-on-one relationship.
Though fantasies look alluring, they are just that, “fantasy”. They are unrealistic images that in turn detract from the love two people share in reality. Your partner is a living witness of how emotionally damaging fantasy and group encounters can become.
There have been group sex partners that co-existed for decades, only for one day to turn away from one partner and become a duo.
The element of jealousy is inescapable in this type of situation. Of course, the fantasy never shows that aspect. Women are innately sensitive and seek exclusive relationships. It is the inner thread that weaves the relationship. No matter if they were willing, or sexually excited at the participation and group sex, whether in fantasy or reality, every instance will pull on that thread and eventually, the relationship will unravel.
There is another aspect to this situation that is sad. The mind plays a vital role in sex, and your mind has been programmed to be stimulated by group sex. It isn’t impossible to work through those images and begin to retrain your mind on being sexually stimulated by your partner alone, but it will be a struggle and cause a lot of determination on your part.
This is what your partner wants. Even though she participated in the fantasies, she is distraught to learn that she is not the center of your life, or the focus of your fantasies. No matter what women say, they want to be the only woman in their man’s life.
Of course your relationship can be repaired. However, since you both were so open about creating fantasies together, why not be equally open sexually with one another to undo the fantasies.
I suggest that you explore each other’s sexuality without the use of fantasy. By spending time together in a therapeutic way, by engaging in frequent intimate sexual time together, you can undo the damage.
If you are having difficulties being aroused sexually without the use of the fantasies, let her know and ask her to work through it with you. There is no excuse not to be open with her in this area, since you were both actively engaged in sharing group sex fantasies together.
I do have one piece of advice. If you want to make this relationship work, you will have to stop the group sex fantasies. Since she is so aware that you are doing this, and you were compelled to seek someone on the Internet behind her back, there is good indication that you have a sexual addiction.
You may want to seek therapy, or work through the addiction with your partner. I truly believe that between the two of you, you have the skill and tools needed to move forward and enjoy a wonderful relationship that focuses solely on the two of you.
hi,
I've been in a committed relationship now for about 3 years. Initially, our love life was very strong, but within a matter of months, things declined. This may be very embarrassing, but I think it matters in getting a fair response... I tended to look at adult web sites rather frequently (once or twice a day) for quite a while, and it had become a programmed part of my life, I guess it helped to clear my mind and relieve any anxiety. So THAT caused many explosions in between myself and my (hopefully still) girlfriend.
We've lived together now for a little over a year, and she recently caught me sending an email to a girl i dated years ago, but had since reduced to very sparse internet-based correspondence. I feel that I've had trouble letting go of that past relationship, and now she's asked me to stay somewhere else for a few days. I'm absolutely crushed... I feel like I deserve to be feeling this way due to my actions. Due to my inability to let go of the past and move on with an open heart. I love my girlfriend dearly and really want this to work out, but I can't be certain things will work out.
I tended to make little quirks of hers seem like the catalyst for my behavior, when I should have been looking within myself to understand what the problems are within ME, rather than projecting responsibility on to her. I don't really know what I'm looking for here... I guess anything would be great. I'm afraid that my fear of letting go, and seemingly subconscious testing her with my damaging actions, has ruined something very beautiful. I'm working on completely letting go, but cutting any ties I have with any relationships from my past, and realizing that memories, and the feelings that accompany them, are in the past, and are no longer real. I want very much to repair this damage to our relationship, and truly let go of the feelings cropping up from the past. I feel very lost, and alone, and anxiously await a reply... Thank you.
Hi Patrick,
I commend you for taking responsibility for your actions. I only have one simple comment. After reading your post, I feel that the best course of action would be for you to tell your girlfriend everything that you put in this post. Have you shared these deep feelings with her? If you haven’t, I recommend that you express the same sentiment to her that you shared so eloquently in your comment here. Hopefully, she will relent and the days apart will be enough time for her to decide to give you a second chance.
Hello,
My name is Robert Pacelli. I am having relationship problems I don't know how to deal with. My girlfriend hung out with the wrong type of people before she met me and her reputation is ruined. Her friends are do drugs and drink and they are underage. Is it wrong to tell her that they are not the right type of people to hang out with. She says she had so much fun with them before, but that is the past. I think that if you are in a relationship you should not be hanging out with those types of people, lets say that they had a party and she was there. There could be boys that do something to her and I would be devasted. Drunk people can not control what they do. I am not saying do not talk to them just don't hang out with them outside of school perhaps. We are also having trust issues, I swear I have never done anything with another women, I love her too much. Her old boy friend was a terrible person. He cheated on her, and ditched her, and lied. He ruined her life in a way. I mean I am guilty too. I lied about something so stupid, but it was nothing serious. She thinks that I am her old boyfriend. I don't think that is just. I am a different person. Everyone has a flaw, we are human. I do not know what to do?
Hi Robert,
Have you ever heard of the old saying…birds of a feather tend to flock together? Well your girlfriend is no exception. On one hand, she may be just like them, and you may be going through some sort of denial. Trust me, don't go down this road. There may be a lot of wonderful qualities about her, but don't get too comfortable seeing her through just googly eyes.
Your friends can serve as a wonderful resource and they can tell you a lot about a person…especially when it comes to things that you may not notice; don't shirk them off as just a dent on her reputation. On the other hand, maybe she's outgrown the 'bad bunch' and will eventually recognize that she needs to start to fly with a new flock, and 'voila', they are no longer your problem.
But in both cases, there must be patience and a real analysis of why you even really love her - sometimes we can mix up our feelings of love; there’s a fine line between the idea of being in love and actually being in love. As for the trust issues, previous relationships – especially the troublesome ones, leave many people with their guard up. Try to be understanding and give her some time to get comfortable around you. Make a point of it to let her know that you are willing to be there for her. In the end, she may or may not come around…at which point you’ll know exactly what to do. As for the Ex - by all means leave him out of all conversations and kindly ask her to do so as well. Communication is key when it comes to trust so make sure the lines are clear.
Thank you Ron,
We dated for over 2 years and people were telling me that she was not the greatest person. People would tell me that she was not who I saw her as, and I put my friends comments to the side. It took me to now to realize what they were saying. I wanted to help her so much to change that she started to change me. I got a lot of advice on this topic and everyone says the same thing that if it was meant to be then it will happen. So I went over her house yesterday to try and talk to her about it. She flipped out and told me to give up I never had a chance. So I went home and I admit I was really hurt because you care for someone so much and you realize that she does not feel the same way. But I talked to my friends about it and they are helping me out. So she tried calling me last night to appolige cause she found out I was telling the truth. I was like yeah but she made me sound like her ex boyfriend to her parents. I don't think we can ever be like that again because she does not trust me enough and she will not give up her bad friends. I talked to my friends about it and they said that right now might be the time to take a break. Explore other people and see if she is the right person for me. I don't know what to do about it. I love her, but I think she needs to realize what I have done for and how it will be without me so she can appreciate what I have done for her. What do you think?
hello, i was just wondering if bringing up past mistakes to my husband ( he did some things before we were married that i am just now finding out about)will only work against me. I keep finding little lies that he told me about a year ago when he claims he was "freaking out" prior to marrying me.(he proposed to ME keep in mind) he emailed and called an ex girlfriend, called a coworker and went out to a dance club that he told me was only a dinner function ( that club does not serve dinner). He knows i know about all this and keeps telling me he was just freaking out about marriage and his feeling for me. I have found all this out now and looked through emails and phone records and have not found anything suspicious since we were married, he tells me he is absolutely committed and loves me ever more and is really very loving and affectionate and treats me well. problem is, i cannot stop obsessing over his past when i thought things were great and wonderful and he was out catting around. we also are physically separated for a year right now while he attends a special school and so the trust issue is tearing me apart. will i do more damage if i keep bringing up the past or should i just accept that he was going thru something and now appears to be OK.?? He writes me sweet letters and phones me everyday and appears to be in this totally, but he appeared that way when we were engaged too and look what he was doing then. ??? Help i am having trouble dealing with the past lies and betrayal of trust.
Dear Jodi,
Not having trust in your relationship and constantly bringing up the past may cause problems in your relationship.
You have already stated that since your marriage, you have not found anything suspicious, but still you continue to have doubts.
Since I can only go by your comments, it's hard to tell what type of discussion you had with your husband. Were you honest in telling him how his unfaithfulness made you feel? Did his explanation make you feel that he was truly sorry? If not, did you express those feelings?
Building trust and feeling that you can trust in a marriage after someone has been unfaithful is not just a quick apology, sweep under the rug kind of fix.
Your feelings are valid and when I say that I don't mean that he may be cheating. I mean that they need to be validated.
Tell your husband without being accusatory how you are feeling. If you don't feel comfortable doing so, then seek counseling. Your trust issues could be warranted, but they could also stem from anger, resentment, not knowing how to forgive and let go or even from past hurts that have nothing to do with your husband.
Seeking counseling would be beneficial to you and your husband. Sometimes the problem is beyond our fixes and we need an intervention. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Hi
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. In that time he has lied to me several times about (non-sexual) encounters with other women. The most damaging of these deceptions occurred within the first year of our relationship, when he went on a trip with some of his close friends. His ex-girlfriend (the one he saw directly before me- he ended it with her in order to be with me in fact) was there as well. I didn't find out until months after they returned, and even then it wasn't him who told me, but a mutual friend who happened to be on the trip. My boyfriend purposefully left out that key bit of information.
Though I am sure that he didn't cheat on me with her, his lie hurt me and damaged my trust in him in a big way. Up until that point I was not jealous, or mistrusting of him at all.
Since that deception, he has lied by omission several times. He has a pattern of not mentioning females who were with him, and not telling me about female friends he had, so that when I did find out about them eventually, I was extremely surprised and upset (especially since he had promised not to lie anymore). Once again, I am certain that he did not do anything sexual with any of these females, but the deception is enough to leave me feeling shaken and mistrusting.
It is partially my fault, I am sure, because since his first couple of lies, I have become insecure, jealous, and paranoid. I don't feel like we have a solid foundation and I always worry that he may be keeping other women from me.
I feel as though he planted a seed of doubt in my mind, and I have taken to nurturing it into a full-blown, dangerous, relationship-destroying plant. He has apologized endlessly for his numerous deceptions, and tried to reassure me that he does not want to cheat or anything.
As far as I know his last "lie" was in January/February (a minor one where he didn't disclose his blossoming friendship with a girl he associated with at University) and he has been honest since. Yet I cannot bring myself to trust him and I periodically get insecure and feel uncomfortable enough that I ask him if he's keeping anything from me. Of course he says that he is being honest. I think that he is being honest, but I have nagging doubts.
They are slowly destroying my relationship with the man I love. How do I get over his indiscretions?
Please please help me. I feel insane with insecurity and jealousy.
Hi May,
That is a very long time to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust. It can be painful and very stressful.
Often we need to really sit back, stop the other voices and really think about why we are feeling these insecurities.
If someone is constantly lying to you and omitting things, then your feelings are definitely valid. However, you do say that you feel he is no longer lying and that you also believe (for certain) he has not been sexually unfaithful to you.
If that is true and you believe these are just friends, then where are the insecurities, paranoia and jealousy coming from? Since I don't know the whole story of why he left his ex-girlfriend for you, could that possibly be in the back of your mind? What I mean is-- do you have a fear that he will leave you exactly the way he left her?
In a relationship where there is mutual trust, each of you should be able to have friends that are the opposite sex. If you feel that he is not telling you about these friends because he is worried about your jealousy, then that is a serious problem and you need to tell him how you feel. Hopefully he will respect and validate those feelings.
The only way to get over these hurt feelings (if you truly feel in your gut that he is being honest) is to work on forgiving him. If it is your desire to see this relationship work, then that is where it needs to begin. Be honest with your feelings and try to do it without being too emotional. Often men may react better to logic then emotions.
In the end May, saying you are in love with a person is not the only reason to stay in a relationship. What comes with that love is also important. Trust, commitment, honesty and respect and what each can bring to the table is the only thing that will keep the foundation strong.
Hi:
I have a problem, me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years now. For the most part things are good but almost everyday we fight about little things that he feels I do not do for him that he claims he does for me. Now in the past I have lied to him a lot about stupid little things, so I have messed up in the past, but i have came clean every time and I have changed. I've apologized for these things numerous times and i am constantly trying to make up for what I did. But I feel that everything I do goes unnoticed, like hes holding a grudge,and every now and then when I do something wrong he makes a huge ordeal about it and it takes almost a full day just to get him to stop being depressed and upset. I feel i do a lot of things for him that he wants but it doesn't matter to him.
For starters he feels I do not show him enough attention sexually. He feels I do not explore new things, but I feel I have. I've bought lingerie, costumes, toys, I give him massages at least 4-5 times a week, I have had a three some with my best friend(girl) and him (which having a three some was a fantasy of his for a long time). I also show him attention every night,i make sure to make him feel wanted sexually. I have told him numerous time I would like for him to get costumes, i complain that my back hurts and I maybe get a reaction from that once every month and get a massage, but it usually lasts maybe 5 minutes.
Secondly, he never cares to household chores anymore. He used to always cook for me and i would clean up the mess, he has stopped cooking. I do all the cooking and cleaning up now. When it comes to our animals we used to share taking the outside and bathing them. Now all he does is feed them and play with them every so often. Basically he has no general interest in home up keep anymore.
In the long run I feel beat up and unappreciated.I am constantly depressed. I feel he has not even attempted to forgive me for anything. I love him to death, what can i do to get him to notice the things I do and help ease past pains?
Giana
Daer Giana,
It seems like your boyfriend is showing signs that he has not forgiven you. Remember when it comes to us hurting someone, we may want them to forgive us as soon as we come clean with what we have done, but that is not how it usually works.
Verbally that person may admit to forgiving you, but inside they may be still holding on to hurt. Basically it can never be in our/your time, but has to be in their own time.
If you are in this relationship for the long-haul, then you will have to continue to prove that you have changed and are working on healing the relationship. However, if you feel that you have gone above and beyond and are feeling used and disrespected, this will only make you bitter in the long run and may make you want to turn to old habits.
Talking your feelings out is the key. The more things are left unsaid, the more trust and unforgiveness fester, the worse they can become. Try to communicate with him again or if that does not work, try to find a mediator or a counselor.
If he wants this relationship to work, then he will agree to talk, if not then the next step will be up to you.
Hi Ron
My problem started almost as soon as i got with my partner (better i start from the begining to paint a fuller picture.
I was clearing up space on my pc after only being with my partner for about a month when i came across the chat logs of conversations he had had on my pc, being curious i opened one to find him asking this girl if she fancied meeting up for sex or more?
I comfronted him with this straight away and he told me how he had been single for a long while and not gotten out of the habbit as such so i chose to continue the relationship after him promising me that he would never do it agen and that he really wanted our relationship to work.
Things were pretty normal for a few months after that till his behaviour changerd which automatically made me feel something wasnt right he'd just got a new phone but was still carring his old one around with him although he told me he had sent his new number to everyone he knew, so one day he forgot to take his old fone to work with him as he normally did and i had a look to find he'd be texting some girl behind my back with grafic content and pictures.
Agen i confronted him pretty upset this time and we sat down and tlked about it his excuse this time was that when he was younger he didnt get much attention off the girls so that when he gets attention now he cant help himself. We had a long tlk and he asked me how he could prove to me that he wasnt doing it anymore to which i replied with a few suggestions like being more open with me (as he's a very secretive person) which he refused to do point blank, so things were left like that.
In the meantime i continued to feel more and more paranoid about what he was up to behind my back and decided agen once more to check his moblie to see if he had been up to anything and surprise surprise hed done it agen with someonand ex of his this time asking them if they wanted an affair coz his girlfriend would never find out and how much he missed having sex with them.
agen the subject was approached and nothing done about it apart from promises not to do it agen and me wanting to forgive him and forget.
but still the paranoia creeps in and so i continue to check his emails and his mobile till he gets fed up and decides the relationship is over but he still wants to stay close friends to which we continue to see each other him stopping at my house and having sex still.
I try to forget my feelings for him although all this is going on and it tears me apart so much to know hes seeking other female company but like a fool i carry on with the situation till one day i realise theres something going ona nd ask him if hes found someone else (i would never want to be sleeping with him if he was in a relationship) anyways he dodges the converstaion and untill the evening i dont realise when i do im pretty angry with him and confront him via text to which he then admits he is but tells me how he would rather be with me than the girl hes started seeing if things could be different.
now feeling completley confused and hurting loads to think he could mess my head up as much as he had seeing i still had feelings for him and hadnt been able to move on due to this i started feeling very angry with him for messing me around and lashed out doing some appalling things to him which i would not normally behave like.
we cooled things off and had some space and i seemed to manage to sort myself out feeling more confident and happy in myself and my life, and then we started getting close to start with it was just friends but grew into more which i was happy with but the feeling that he wasnt being honest with me came back to me seeing as before my gut feeling had been right before i agen checked his mail to which i found messages off a girl which were suggestive but nothing sent from him to indicate he was incontact the only thing i could see was they had each others numbers and he must be txting her instead i checked his fone but found nothing.
with everything building up i confronted him pretty angry to think he though he could treat me like this agen after all he had already done and sed to which his reply was that she was some girl he had got tlking to ages ago before we were thinking of getting together agen and that she wouldnt leave him alone.
I could understand this to some point as ive had it happen to myself so i let it go but now were at the stage were the way we have been trying to sort things out hasnt worked which is the way he wanted to do things in the first place and just ignor it and pretend it didnt happen, where as i like to tlk about things and find solutions to the problems hes never wanted to. i tried to tlk to him about this the other day and all he could see was i was blaming him for things when in actual fact i was saying that due to the chain of events that have happened between us i have reacted in this way of being angry with him and that i felt we needed to deal with the original problem agen in another way to prevent me feeling like i have done for all this time he wouldnt have any of it and i sed i wouldnt continue the way we were already and that if we couldnt sort something out then it would have to mean the end of our relationship coz it wasnt healthy for the both of us.
well the end of our relationship seemed final and at the last minute he changed his mind and agreed to try things a different way to which hes made little effort here and there and has made me feel so good to think he can try but i still have that little uncertainy of what he might be up to behind my back and wish i could get rid of it.
do you have any ideas?
Dear Clare,
Let me say first of all that you've been through a lot in regards to this relationship and have given it more than your fair share in regards to trying to make it work. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I also believe in forgiveness and giving someone another try when they ask for it, but if by giving them that chance I keep finding more evidence that they are not respecting how much it took for me to let them back into my life, and then it leaves me to rethink that relationship.
Clare, I'm sure you've heard the old saying...hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me... Well, he has shown himself more than once.
Some people stay in a relationship, feeling the mistrust, but not seeing any evidence at all. You have been shown not just once or twice, but a few times.
It's unfortunate, but there are people who will take advantage of that forgiveness. If you don’t change your behavior (meaning that you continue to forgive them and take them back no matter how much they continue to show you that they are not worthy) then they will continue with their hurtful pattern, you risk loosing their respect and maybe even your self-respect. It’s like you are rewarding him every time he decides to be unfaithful or to not be truthful to you.
You can not love someone if you don’t first love yourself. I don’t say this in a half-hazard way or in a flippant way; I say this to you because the more we love ourselves the more we won’t allow people’s behavior to treat us with disrespect. And we will start to notice a change in our relationships. They become better and healthier.
Remember, you can not change the way some people behave, we can only change the way we deal with their behavior.
If you decide to stay in this relationship, then you may have to deal with the reality that he is who he is. Ask him if he is looking for an open relationship where you both are allowed to date. If he wants to continue to see you, but date other people, then it will be up to you to decide to do the same. But remember whatever you decide, make sure it works for the both of you.
I hope this helps.
I have an urgent question. I have been dating my boyfriend for seven months. He had told me at the beginning that he was divorced for five years. He knew that was important to me, as I have been burned in relationships where the divorce was new, so i felt safe with him because I thought the divorce stuff was all behind him. I found out from one of his adult children that he wasn't divorced yet (tho they had been separated for 1 1/2 years) and that the wife was just now filing for the divorce. I love this man so very much, but he lied to me and violated a major trust issue. He is following thru with the divorce now and says that the marriage has really been over for many years since his wife had cheated on him. But why did he lie about "being married" and how do I go about learning to forgive him and getting the trust back in our relationship. I want to so badly, but one moment I'm feeling good about it, then something comes up and I think about the lie and the fact that he is still legally married and i get angry all over again. Is there a way to get thru this? Please help.
Dear Debbie,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It’s hard when the person you love has lied and it makes it challenging for us to forgive that person.
But after we have gone through the emotional part of the hurt and anger, we need to step back and go through it analytically, take ourselves out of the equation for a minute, and put ourselves in that person’s place. Has he ever lied to you before? Why did he feel that he needed to keep this from you? There could be many reasons starting from something as simple as his fear of loosing you.
I am definitely not saying that you should dismiss his lying, however I think that we need to think of several points. Is he a good man? Again, has he lied to you before? Do you see yourself building a life with this?
The most important thing is to talk it out and after you do that, it is important for you to let it go. Basically, to not consistently bring it up when you get angered?
And most importantly, can you forgive him of this one indiscretion? If the answer to the questions is yes, then forgiveness is the key. And even if the answer to those questions, is no, then forgiveness is still necessary in order for you to move on.
Most importantly, if you are to forgive him, then you can’t just say the words. You have to live them because if not, anger, mistrust and frustration will eventually hurt the relationship.
Although I don’t have all the particulars of your relationship, I feel that everyone should be given a second chance. That should be your number one question. Can you give him another chance?
If this is a relationship where you’ve already put in a lot of work and you feel committed to it and you also see it as a future, then maybe the two of you seeing a counselor could help.
Dear anyone who can offer advice,
I'm at a loss, my boyfriend and i have been together for about a year now. We have had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship mostly because of his actions. From the start we have battled with the internet. Him iming and texting, sending email on myspace to random girls all the time. He’s "just talking" and that’s not a crime. The back story is from the start i would find him talking dirty to other girls and naked pictures, we argued about it but we weren’t "serious" so i let it go. After i moved in i found naked pictures in his inbox of girls that he has been intimate with in the past. the first time i cried so hard i was sick to my stomach but i forgave him. the second time was about 2months later and i couldn’t believe it i was livid i said if you ever do this again i will leave you and never look back, a week later there was another one. He says it was bc he knew i was looking in his email, i say BS haha. That resulted in me starting to pack my stuff up and ready to walk out the door realizing we had both done each other wrong. I was going through his email looking for anything to catch him bc i knew it was only a matter of time. we worked through it, me pouring out my heart that what he is doing was ripping my heart out and how could he do that, he doesn’t love me if he would want to have these kind of conversations with girls, how would he feel if i was looking or sending pictures out of myself. I love this man I am trying so hard to trust him but I don’t know if I ever can when each time he looked me in the eye and said I wont ever do it again. Why should I believe him now when he tells me he wont. He has changed his behavior a lot to show me he loves me and is serious about this, but I still feel there is a level of deception or dishonesty there…He deleted his myspace and people off of his buddy list and doesn’t live online anymore like he use to, but anytime I see a new girl added to his buddy list it makes me feel that crazy sick feeling inside of me again, like its only a matter of time before it happens again. If it does happen again he knows I’m done and ill never speak to him again but I feel like I shouldn’t have to make threats…. Isn’t it what’s in the heart…if he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did or “just talking” to all of these internet girls then he doesn’t respect me. He says im jealous of him talking to girls…I try to explain that im terrified that it will happen again and I love him so much I don’t want that to happen…. How can I learn to stop fearing what he’s doing when I’m not home… how can I learn to trust… is it lost or can we rebuild this….
Here's the deal with my boyfriend Billy. We're now seventeen, and live in Pennsylvania. I know it might seem silly that I'm talking about this at such a young age, but with me, it's different. I'm not silly and immature, I know that what my boyfriend and Ihave is real.
We became best friends at the age of 12. (7th grade) We would talk on the phone, on the school bus rides to and from school (we live close) and after school for the musical. We were best friends before he even met his ex, Madison.She was also my best (girl) friend. He went out with my then-best-friend in 10th grade, for a total of 10 months. I had my own boyfriend for about 5. During the summer before junior year, me and my boyfriend broke up. Since Billy was my best friend, I called him hysterically crying for 3 hours the night my boyfriend had cheated on me. The next day, Billy came over to make sure I was okay. There was no flirting, nothing. I never looked at him that way. He was my best friend and that was all.
Madison began to badmouth me, calling me vulnerable and thought I would hook up with Billy. This thought never crossed my mind! Billy told me everything that she said.
Madison and I got into a HUGE fight, ending our friendship. She said some horrible things about me, and, Billy, being my best friend (and her boyfriend), told me everything. A few months later, Billy and Madison broke up. Me and Billy hooked up after they broke up, but it was a secret. Madison then came crying to me, sayin she missed me. I couldn't forgive her ever, and didn't like her at all. But I was civil towards her. She then found out that Billy and I had hooked up, and our friendship was over forever. (I didn't care, after everything she did to me.)
Madison got herself a new boyfriend. Billy and I were "together", but it was secretly. Snooping through his Myspace messages (i know it was wrong, but I was curious!) I found out that, even tough Madison had a boyfriend, Billy was begging her to take him back and saying he was still in love with her, and that their ten months together was the the best ten months of his life.
Madison broke up with her boyfriend, and, 24 hrs later, had a new one. I knew Billy was upset. But we became closer, and then we offically started dating. Billy and Madison stopped talking. 2 months later, they began to talk again. We were all going to a party together, and I told him I didn't want him to dance with her. He got into a fight with me, and said he'd do whatever he wants. That night, he didnt dance with her, but he didn't dance with me either. We broke up, but were still "together."
They continued to talk. He found out that her and her boyfriend were having sex, and was teling her that his heart was broken and he couldn't talk to her anymore. (I snooped through his texts.) I asked, and he said it was just an excuse not to talk to her anymore.
The summer came and went, and things were fantastic. School started again. Billy and I offically got back together , althogh we were together snce we broke up, only "working things out" I know he loves me. He cries, telling me he's never been so happy. I can't go an hour without talking to him. I miss him every moment I don't see him, and I still get that great feeling in my stomach when we hold hands. We do have sex, and it's great. I know I'm only seventeen, but I know this is true love.
Madison and her boyfriend JUST broke up, after about 11 months. She's now trying to rekindle things with Billy. I told him I don;t want him talking to her, but he says he's not losing his friends again. I don't know what to think.
I know for a fact that he loves me, there's no doubt about it. I'm the one he talks to all day, every day. He hangs out with me every weekend, not her. Every once in a while, though, he is texting her and tlaking to her on the phone. He tells me what they talk about, but he wont let me see his texts. I sometimes see them walking together in school, but then he'll run over to me when he sees me.
I'm confused, and don't know what to think.
I know he loves me, but does he still have feelings for her? Should i get over what has happened in the past, and trust him now that we're offically back together?
Dear Jessica,
Can trust be built is a question that a lot of couples struggle with. When we’ve been hurt by someone we love and we say the words “forgive you,” it can still be a tug of war with our feelings.
Building trust takes daily work on both parts. It takes constant conversations with ourselves and even with the other party. One of the most important things that should help with forgiveness is that we see our partner at least trying to change their behavior. (You did state in your email that you have noticed a huge change.)
If you have chosen to forgive him and have told him this, then you owe both him and yourself to do this. I can not stress the importance of this. You have committed that you are going to give it a chance, now you must also live up to your agreement.
It takes time to change negative habits. When it comes to sexual habits some may even need counseling to stop. Chatting and other internet sexual behavior has become very popular and for some who contribute to this, they may not see it as a problem. Either way, it may take a lot of time to change this behavior so you have to be willing to give it time.
If you feel that this relationship is worth it, you have to learn to release your anger and move on to forgiveness. There are many books out there on forgiveness that can help you. What we would be surprised to find out is that often before we can forgive someone, we must first forgive ourselves.
But keep in mind that you have been down this road of forgiveness with him before. Habits can not be broken if we are being a crutch. What I mean is, if someone keeps hurting us over and over again and we keep forgiving or ignoring the hurt, how can they move on (make a change) and what will motivate them to change if you keep dealing with his patterns with your own patterns… ignoring the problem?
I hope this helps and I wish you much luck.
Hi. Recently, I lied to my boyfriend and told him 1) i had a prosthetic leg 2)i had been sent to gaza 3)i had a bro, a sis and various nieces/nephews. however, last night i didnt sleep at all, and this morning i told him the barefaced truth.
what should i do if he a) dumps me? do i plead for forgiveness? or b) sticks with me? how do i rebuild that trust?
confused_young_girl
Hi. Recently, I lied to my boyfriend and told him 1) i had a prosthetic leg 2)i had been sent to gaza 3)i had a bro, a sis and various nieces/nephews. however, last night i didnt sleep at all, and this morning i told him the barefaced truth.
what should i do if he a) dumps me? do i plead for forgiveness? or b) sticks with me? how do i rebuild that trust?
confused_young_girl
Hi, I recently had a real problem with my girlfriend. She has been talking to an old friend of hers who she had feelings for a while back before we started going out. And now she's talking to him again. I found out through e-mails, text, and online conversations. She found out that I was going through her e-mails and she was infuriated with me and I understand why and I felt so bad because I kept doing it after she told me to stop, and even after I told her I trust her. I don't know how to ever get the trust back when she won't let me. She eventually came up with the solution to just break it off with me because of this incident I really don't know why because everything seemed alright for the past few months but because of this small situation it escalated to a break up and I'm trying to get her back it's just she won't give me a chance to explain myself and why I was doing what I did. I mean I didn't even know what I was looking for in the texts and e-mails I just wanted to know why she was doing all of this... I really love her and I keep telling her but she keeps telling me to move and she makes like we never had anything together... When in actuality we had just about everything together it's just in this span of 2-3 weeks it faded instantaneously to the point where she's angered at me when I even try to contact her in anyway. I don't know what to do is there any way I can earn her trust back even with her still talking to this guy?
I have been having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I have been married for 4 years. I knew he had a friend from the past. She called continuously always asking if he were alone. I begged him to stop the relationship because he would not include me into it. I invited her to dinner but he insisted he didn't want her here. I insisted if I wasn't a part of this friendship then there should be no friendship. He agreed to quit talking to her. Each year it would happen again tho. Hours and hours of phone conversations and what ever. Each year he insisted he had stopped. I blamed myself. I don't know why. I finally had had enough and asked him to leave, or come clean. He came clean. He told me he had been having an affair with this woman for 20 years. I have only known him 8 years, four of them we have been married. He tells me that it was something that didn't involve me. He told me that he never even thought of me when they talked or he saw her. That was even more painful and has to be a lie. He just continued it because it was something he had been doing for years and years no matter what had been going on in their lives. Needless to say he says the same thing. He is sorry, he was stupid, and it will never happen again. He promises. Something he has said every year. He says he will do anything I want to help get this marriage on track. He doesn't want to see a marriage counselor but will if I insist. I'm not sure it will help if he doesn't really want to go. I always doubt him. He always proves to me where he is and what he is doing. But I don't know how to get past all this. I am always wondering each time I leave him alone. I am deeply in love with this man but SAD all the time.
Hi, I have been dating a married guy for the past year, I did not know he was married until five or six months into the relationship by then it was too late I had way to many feelings and I could not let go. And this is what made me loose trust in him. He has to boys which he loves dearly. He states sleeping in different rooms and not having contact with his wife other than for the kids sake. We have broken up several times, it just seems that everytime he has problems at home he takes it out on me, turning the situation around and making me feel guilty for whatever! One of the times he broke up with me, I actually went on a date that turned into a one night stand! I confessed everything to him and that is when he lost trust in me! He will constantly accuse me of talking to other men, stating I am way younger than him and not being done with my "wondering around" as he calls it, for he is 40yrs old and I am 26. I don't doubt he loves me I just don't know what to expect or how to deal with the situation. He says our trust is gone and we have poor communication. I really want to work things out but can not seem to convence him that I am telling the truth. Please help me!
Dear Vane,
Please believe me when I tell you that I know a lot about this experience. Just like you I was way to deep in to pull myself out right away.
But what finally did it was a few things and I want to share them with you. For one, I started really thinking how this relationship was making me feel. I would stay at home waiting for his call. I would miss out on doing things with my friends. Two, I started thinking about the trust factor. And three, how can I trust someone who is cheating on someone else and is there a future in dating someone elses husband.
Then finally I thought about the wife. How would I feel if I were in her shoes and can I believe that what he is saying that's going inside his home is really true. After all it's his side of the story.
Lastly, in the end I had to ask myself is that what I really want for myself. I realized I deserved a lot more and I needed to respect myself more and that's what did it for me.
I understand that there can be problems within a marriage but to get involve with someone who is obviously still very involved in this relationship, still living in that relationship, and was not open to telling you about the marriage may not be the right person for you at this time.
If he is playing the mistrust card, the making you feel guilty card, then it sounds like he is maybe not out for your best interest and as you said putting the guilt all on you which of course makes him guilty free from cheating on his wife and basically cheating on you.
It sounds like you know what to do, you just need the strenght to do it. Anytime you need to talk about it, send me an email.
Believe me, I know it's hard but in the end you'll feel much better about yourself.
Dear Jen,
I'm sorry you are going through such a challenging time in your marriage. It takes a lot of time and patience to forgive and forget someone who has hurt you and often we can't do it on our own.
I know that you say you don't want to go to counseling because you don't think your husband wants to really go, but right now this is more about what you need.
It might help you to go by yourself for now and include your husband when the counselor thinks it is the right time.
You can not do this on your own. Talking it out with a professional may be the thing you need to start healing yourself and your marriage.
I hope this helps!
Dear Nate:
You definitely made a mistake by reading her personal mail, but you have apologized.
You don't really say anything about her emails. Are they friends or is it something more?
It would be great if you two could at least talk it out, however, you can not force someone to speak to you or take you back. Sometimes the best thing to do is to give them space and bide by their wishes to be left alone. By doing so does not necessary mean that you are giving up, but it's giving her space to think and you time to think about your reason for mistrusting her in the first place and evading her privacy.
Trust is very important in any relationship and w/o it what do you have? If this is a pattern for you or if there was something about her that made you mistrust, then you need to really think about it. Either way if she decides to give you a second chance, you would have worked on your trust issues or the next relationship you will be better equipped at understanding your motivations and what you really want in a relationship.
Either way, you have to let her go.
Hi! Before I start, I would like to say thank you so much for having such a website/blog. I have read everyone's stories, and I am so glad that I can share mine with people who understand.
Here I go... My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now. But, let me start at the very beginning. We met only a few weeks before his first deployment to Iraq. Everything was so perfect. Honestly, he was my dream come true. Well, when he deployed he said he couldn't ask me to wait for him, considering we knew eachother for only 4 or 5 weeks prior. In my heart I wanted, more than anything, to wait for him, so that's what I told him. He deployed, and we kept in contact. We would write letters to eachother at least twice a month, and he would call once or twice a week, if time allowed. It was about 5 months into his deployment, and all of a sudden the letters and phone calls stopped. I knew he was ok, because his buddy was dating my roommate and he kept me posted. We had planned for him to spend 2 or 3 days with me on his R & R. He has a son in a different state, so he had to spend most of it with him, which is great and very respectable. Ok, so I got a phone call, after 3 months of nothing when he returned to Iraq from his R & R. During those three months, I started a fling. I constantly thought of him, my soldier, and wrote him letters. I never got a response, so I figured that he didn't want this anymore. When he started calling again I cut all ties with my fling. A month later, I'm pregnant. I told my soldier, and he was supportive and nothing but sweet to me. He returned home from Iraq in March (I was still pregnant), and we started seeing eachother. He definately was distant for a long while. We finally made it official in August, and that's where the hurt started. I found out that he cheated on me, shortly after we made it official. We decided to work it out, and 2 weeks later... it happened again. For a while I blamed myself, because I thought that if I wouldn't have gotten pregnant while he was deployed, everything would be peachy. We moved in together in September, of the same year. In December, he went to visit his mom, and he cheated on me once again. This time his excuse was, I wanted to make sure that our relationship is what I wanted. Yeah, nice excuse. My son and I moved out for a while. We ended up getting back together, and everything was great. He deployed again at the end of 2006 for 15 months. While he was gone, all I could think about was him cheating on me. I came a very long way, so I thought, with trusting him, and taking everything he said for what it was, the truth. He just returned in January, and since he's been home we have done nothing but fight. We went to see his son, and all I could think about is how pretty his ex-wife is, and how he wants her back. That's one of our major issues. He says he doesn't want her back... but, when he calls to talk to his little boy, she will occasionally get on the phone and talks to him about her life. Stuff that doesn't have anything to do with their son. He listens, and when I tell him that they should talk only about things that concern their son, he says... I can't be rude and tell her I don't want to hear about it. The biggest issue we have right now is trust, obviously. I just want to know how to build it back into our relationship. Right now, I feel like I'm going crazy. I constantly am going through his phone, his e-mails, asking a million questions when he gets home from work. Seriously, it's so bad that I ask him what he's been doing for each hour he has been at work. It's pathetic, and it's taking over me. I cry so much and it's stressing me out. He hasn't cheated in over 2 years, and I know that he loves me, and I know he knows how bad he screwed up, but I am so scared of getting hurt again. My daily rituals of checking his phone and e-mails, and asking a million questions are tearing us apart. It's like there is a huge wall between us right now. Please tell me that it's possible to get us back on the right track. I want to trust him, I just need to know how. Everyday I want to stop doing what I do, but I'm afraid that that one day is when I'll find something. What is wrong with me? Please, please, please give me your advice and tell me how to rebuild this broken trust.
I have a question, me and my boyfriend have been going out for almost 3yrs.He moved away about 2yrs ago to another state, although we see each other every other month or so, its been so stressful because its not the same as before when he was here and thas fine with me because i love him alot but we consistently fight..mostly the topics are if im cheating,or im lying to him. i never cheated on him, but i did lie before and he caught me. it was that i told him that im going somewhere esle but then my friends and i happened to go somewhere esle and i never told him and he saw pictures of me and her later on. also i used my old cell fone and made some calls to my friends and didnt tell him that i was using the fone. but he somehow found out and i felt so bad that time because i was going to tell him but he just beat me to it. these scenerios might be small but we live far away from each other, we dnt see each other alot, and if someone is lyin ona small note, then they can lie on a big one also, i never have but alot of people do..and my boyfriend doesnt want to get hurt and i understand that, i wudnt either but he loves me alot and he did forgive me, however everytime i go somewhere either with friends or family he just doesnt trust me anymore... and i made efforts for him to trust me like i wud call him every hr or so and make him hear my friends or family talking behind me on the cell..so he feels secure with me cuz hes so far away..i understand that.. buh now he doesnt like me going out at all...cuz there will be guys or i might cheat on him cuz he wud never find that out..he thinks im lying to him all the time and it hurts me alot cuz i never meant to hurt him...and also he suspects that im with someone esle cuz i can easily do that...and we had fights about that cuz he can easily do that to me also. im just so stressd out cuz i wana be able to go out and for him to trust me and not question me like a fbi agent...it gets really annoying at times...and i just snapp..my attitude towards him has gotten worse everytime he asks me a question...or if im home and everyone at home is out...i juss get so frustrated...its not that im home that bothers me..i dont mind staying at home..im a pre-med student and i study most of the time..and i also work... its just i want him to notice that when im out im not lying to him...i seriously love him alot and we both discussed marriage in the future..i feel very lucky to have him because he forgave me plenty of times...i juss dont like that he feels unsecure when im out..sometimes because of that i feel stressed..and i hate feeling that and i take it out all on him...and he hates when i get so moody and we say horrible things...i know theres always lil fights in a relationship, but this is tearing us apart..plus we;re so distant from each other... i just dont want stress in our relationship... and i want to marry him without have to go thru having these trust issues with him to deal with me... i promised him not to ever lie or hide something from him... and he says that he juss wants to see and supposedly "test me" to see if i wont do these things again....i guess thats fine with me... i need to know how i can make him trust me like he use to...whenever he called i wud tell him where i am and he wud say okay...now its totally different...so sometimes i just avoid going to places cuz i dont want to fight with him anymore..i want him to see that he can trust me now and forever..whenever we see each other, we forget everything and we're so happy,i know most of it has to do with the distance,cuz if he was here, he wud be with me.. i need advice urgent on how to make him trust me again...
thanks
Dear Ron,
I would like some tips regarding on how to re-establish truth in a relationship.
I have broken up with my gf since last Christmas. She read some old emails ( first couple of month we were dating)that I interchanged with a friend that I briefly( that lives on the other side of the globe) that contained some sexual nasty content. I gave her my email password a while ago, and read those old emails when i was still dating her. After the break up with my gf i lost all kind of contact with the girl i was exchaging emails.
I have tried my best to earn a second chance, but she simply wouldnt. I have been patient, understanding.... done some nice romantic things for her. However she says that she cant ever trust me. The reason I wanna fight with her is cause I do love her genuinely. There was a contrite heart and a sincere change in my behavior. I'm ready to do anything to get her back. We've had a lot of special moments together.... Our story simply can't end like that. I beliebe that she has issues with pride.
How can re-establish this trust?
I need advice urgent.
Thank you a lot
Hey Ali,
It sounds like you are already working on establising trust. But the most important thing is the patience. You can not force someone to forgive you. It takes time.
When we are hurt by the people we care about the most, we need time to heal. For some it could bring up past wounds and for others it could be that they've been hurt too many times and it's harder for them to forgive and forget.
Being patient and understanding is the only thing you can do right now if you truly care about that person. Even to the point that you just might have to let them go and move on for awhile then come back and see where they are. Who knows? You might not even be in the same place mentally.
Let it go for awhile. It's challenging, but you have got to give them some peace and also give yourself some.
Dear Amber D,
Relationships that start out as quickly as yours did, is bound to have some challenges. At the beginning even though it was romantic and he seemed ideal, it’s hard to base a relationship on only a few weeks especially when that person is about to leave for awhile and especially when it means that they are going to be deployed. We build up romantic ideas in our mind.
The few years that you two have been together, I wonder if you really have gotten to know each other. You both entered a relationship with some baggage; him having a child with an ex and you having a child at the time that he was deployed. You are talking about a relationship that is already starting off with a few challenges and I’m sure real life often gets in the way where you feel that you haven’t spent any quality time together.
But now it’s time to deal with the immediate. It seems that even through all these obstacles, for some reason you two have managed to stay together. It is time to let go of the past and move onto the present and even the future if you truly want to stay in this relationship.
You say that he hasn’t cheated on you in 2 years and he loves you. If that is true, then where is all this fear and mistrust coming from?
If it is coming from things that happen a million years ago, then it is time to let go and move on. It is possible to get on the right track but it will take a lot of hard work. You not only have to work on trusting him, but you have to learn to trust yourself and forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself for the pregnancy. I’m sure your child is a joy and that is what came out of that other relationship. Give yourself one-day at a time. It takes a lot of work, it takes a lot of talking, and it takes a lot of mending. Not a quick feat, but it can be done one step at a time, one day at a time.
I always recommend speaking to a counselor, church member or if that is not something you want to do, there are always books that can help.
Hi there. Ok so let me explain the situation. I have been friends with this girl for a little bit. We hooked up a few weekends ago. After that things got kind of confusing. She was sending very mixed signals so I explained the situation to a friend to give me some advice. This girl is very private and has had her trust broken numerous times. I knew I shouldnt have said anything to my friend, but I did. So the mixed signals turned into us deciding we were going to see what happens go with the flow. I (the idiot) wanted to get everything in the open because I really do care about her. I told her I told my friend and now she is mad. We have talked it out and she knows I am a good guy, but doesnt think she can trust me and doesnt think i am mature enough anymore and is looking like she may just want us to turn into an ok friends. She keeps saying that its her and that what i did is small, but she cant deal with it right now. This whole conversation happened last night by the way. She said she needs time, but then said she still wanted me to come to a gathering at a bar...maybe because she doesnt want me to feel bad..I dont know. Should i send flowers soon? I want to go for her....I know she has feelings for me, just dont know how strong anymore.
I have a situation which is somewhat similar to the other writers. In my case i am the offender. I cheated on my husband with my daughter's father while he was gone for a 16months through no choice of his own. We have been married for three years and i am willing to do anything to make it work. we have talked about it and how know that the trust is broken. where do we go from here? We know that we love each other but he has said that he does not know if he can get pass it or how to get pass it... Your input would mean a great deal to me and would help in a many ways.... I live for my family and i don't want to loss them...
thank you very much
sha
Dear Sha,
None of us man or woman is perfect and sometimes we fall short because of our loneliness, weaknesses or just a simple need for companionship. Mistakes happen and forgiveness is the key. But we can’t just wish that everyone can move on when we apologize or even when we discuss it with the person we’ve hurt.
Depending on the couple, it can take months or even a few years for the healing to even begin. In most cases speaking to a professional is the wisest thing to do. Often couples feel that they can work it out without any assistance or with time, but that can sometimes lead to buried feelings which can lead to anger, lack of trust and resentment from the injured party or even overwhelming feelings of guilt from the person who did the cheating.
If at all possible seek guidance either from your local church or even a family physician may be able to suggest someone.
Whatever you do, give your husband and yourself time and be patient. It takes time to build trust again, but believe me it can be done.
i have a problem, i used to date a guy from 3 months ago..but i lost his trust..it all came from my ex who actully came between us and started to ruin the relation!i did everything so i can make him come back..i have changed my attidude with boys, friends and became a responsible girl , quit smoking and all the things that used to bother him. he says that he still loves me but cannot trust me...he is scared as if..am going to betry him again and put him him dow.
i love him..i see him everytday..help!!
Dear Sally,
Losing someone’s trust is a major issue in a relationship and it’s hard for the person who has been hurt to bounce back. But it’s not about him forgiving you, which is what most people who have caused the mistrust focus on. It’s about really understanding you.
What was lacking in yourself or in the relationship that might have led you to allow your ex to come between you and your boyfriend? You say that you have changed, but is it only to try to win this guy back or have you really worked on yourself (which means not concentrating on getting into a new or old relationship) but discovering who you really are, and deciding to make smart lifestyle changes and choices to better yourself not anyone else.
These are the things that are most important. When you’ve truly done that, then the change will be noticeable and you won’t have to sell yourself to him or to yourself. Plus you might realize that something new might come out of this experience. Often moving forward and not looking back is what might be needed for both parties.
Evaluate…is it love that you feel, or is it the strong need to be forgiven, or is it something else? Stop, take a deep breath and look at the whole picture. You’d be surprise on how you really feel.
If you do love this guy, then give him time. If he comes back great If not, let him go and move on…
Hi Ron, I have been with my girlfriend for 9 years and have two children together. 10 months ago I had an internet affair with an ex. Some bad things were said. Although this affair really meant nothing to me and did not feel anything I typed to her my girlfriend cant seem to get over it. We have recently broke up but still live together but I stay on the couch. I have no excuses for what I did. To make matters worse a couple days before my girlfriends father died from a long bout with lymphoma. I dont want to loose her as I do really love her. Things are so bad and there is a huge wall put up arround her that I just cant seem to get through. I need advice on what to do. Please help!!!
I have a big issue...
I have been with my soon to be hubbie since 05 and everything was going great we moved in together and then I lost my job and got knocked up. After I had my precious angel he started texting, talking and typing to all these females telling them that he wants to have sex with them. He has had a girl in my house with my daughter home when I was not home, and tried hiding it from me.
Then about 1 week ago I caught him on the internet jerking off talking to his ex girlfriend Marissa......
I was so broken hearted and to hurt physically and emotionally.
I want to try to resolve this problem but I can't cause he does not wish to talk about anything serious anymore. Our sex life is nothing to me. It's all about pleasing him.....never me.
There is no romance and I am starting to feel that I don't want to be with him anymore cause of my trusting issue with him. He tells me he can talk to all the girls that he wants but I can't talk to any guy friends (which are just friends from HS) I just don't know what to do anymore......I need some advice....PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
My problem is pretty big, not because there's only one, but rather I feel small problems have snowballed into something totally out of control.
My boyfriend isn't the best at articulating his words, and I've always known this. He has always been very frank with me since the start of our relationship. However, we went through a honeymoon period whereby we were so consumed with sweet nothings and phsyical company that when reality set in, a lot of problems started.
I always thought pin pointing the problem at the root was always the wisest thing to do. So whenever he did anything i disagreed with, I would slowly and calmy try to explain why. The problem was, as time went on, the problems seemed to be repeating instead of going away. And from feeling most comfortable with me, my boyfriend became scared to talk to me in case I would get hurt or easily disagree with what he says. From this, a lot of arguments started to take place and yesterday seemed to be the last straw.
I felt that my boyfriend was slowly losing feelings for me after the "honeymoon period" ended and that made me get angry with him often. There were less "I miss you"s and other things that made me feel less important in his life. That was actually a small contributor to why I was feeling so awful, and easily angered.
My boyfriend tells me he is not good at expressing himself, but I don't understand why he used to be so sweet and now it's turned out to be quite a chore.
I offered to fix this relationship, and it's been a little difficult mainly because I'm not very sure what I CAN do to solve this.
We were always very happy and very easy going, so something like this, though minor, has left scars on my boyfriend. What can I do to reassure him, and to win his love back, at the same time fixing this relationship?
Please help me.
Dear Pam,
It seems that your relationship sounds like a lot of relationships that start off with “romance” and a lot of “physical intimacy” which can be all-consuming. However because some relationships start off like that instead of taking it steady and building a foundation, a lot of the “real person” is hidden and when the fog clears, reality hits.
But this is fine and it doesn’t have to mean the honeymoon is over. Without really knowing the full extent of what is happening in your relationship, one of the problems may be your trying to control how the relationship runs instead of enjoying the ride. And your boyfriend might feel that you are trying to control the relationship by telling him how he feels or how he should act. When some men are told how they should react to a certain situation, they start to turn the other way…they feel manipulated and controlled and from a woman it can be a little daunting.
Unfortunately, honeymoons do not last forever and I guess that’s why they are called honeymoons. After it’s over, real life takes over.
Not hearing I miss you and I love you as much as you used to, does not mean that he doesn’t feel those things. If you truly believe he cares, then he should not have to keep repeating it. Sometimes words can become habits and end up not having any meaning at all. Could that be why he is not saying it as much? Not every relationship is filled with daily “sentimental words” like we see in the movies or on television although that would be nice. You want his sincerity, not just stilted words.
Instead of trying to go back to the way it was, why not move forward. Don’t think of it as the honeymoon is over, but that your relationship is starting a new phrase. What are your hobbies and passions? What are his? Think of some things to do that are not the norm. There are so many things you can do to keep your relationship exciting and fresh. Some men and women get tired and bored of the same routine. I’m not saying jump through hoops, but don’t let the past keep you stagnated toward the present.
Basically, it sounds like you both have taken off your rose-colored glasses. What you are seeing now is what there is. Relations take a lot of work. Maybe you need to tell him your expectations and find out his. All this will be useless if you realize at the end you were not on the same page.
I hope this helps.
Dear Stephanie,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I could presume that your boyfriend might be acting out from the stress of having a baby and you loosing your job (things that were not in the plan) which might have brought on extra pressure that he can’t or does not want to handle and his acting out is his way of dealing with the problem or not dealing with the problem at all.
If you are going to stay in this relationship, then I would like to suggest you get professional help. Even if he tells you that he doesn’t want to go, that does not mean you shouldn’t. When it becomes a problem for not just you but also when a child is involved, then you need to make decisions that are right for the both of you.
Living with someone who is causing you mental stress and mental abuse can wear you down, tear down your self-confidence and trust, and bring on depression.
Please make sure that you seek help. If you can, talk to a trusted friend or family member. There is help out there. Make sure you find it soon.
My girl and I were together for 2 years. Her mother moved in after the first of the year which after a couple of months led to problems between us. We had become engaged and with no departure date for mom in sight, it seemed to me that our life together was being put on the back burner. Her mother isn't in the best of health although it's nothing terminal and I want to be clear that I was in full agreement that she should help look after her. I just didn't see why it had to compromise our future together. We grew apart in March and she broke up with me in early April. She refused to talk to me or respond to text messages. I was crushed, feeling like my world had ended. I met a girl at my kid's Little League girl that I know only in passing as she is a co-worker of a buddy's wife. She knew my girl had broken our engagement and approached me. We talked and she gave me her number. I called her later and talked some more, mostly about my situation and hers, as she recently left her husband. having been through a divorce with kids involved, I could relate to what she was going through and I wanted a woman's perspective on what I could do to win my girl back. She suggested going to her workplace and talking to her since she would accept my calls. I did that and we re-established contact. We spent the next 3 weekends together although my girl was very distant towards me and wouldn't agree that we were and item again. I had continued talking to my new friend, although I told her that were my girl and I to reconcile, our conversing would end as my girl wasn't cool with me having friends who happened to be women. I also told her that I wasn't interested in dating anyone else until the matter was resolved so if she wanted more than my friendship then we should cut it short. After the third weekend, my girl asked was I talking to other women. I didn't think it relevant since we broken up but after she pursued the subject, I told her yes, that I had been talking to this girl. She went berserk, accusing me of screwing this girl. She finally called me a couple of weeks later and asked to see my phone bills. I copied them and to my shock, had talked to this girl almost 1700 minutes over the 3 weeks we had talked. I knew if my girl saw that, she would surely believe we were sleeping together. So, against my better judgment, I edited the bills. I didn't know my girl already had a copy of my new friends bill from her workplace. I was busted and now she wants nothing to do with me. I know lying to her was wrong even though I did it to preserve her feelings and hopefully salvage the relationship. I realize and understand it will take a long time to rebuild trust if I can even convince her to give me a chance. I have not screwed around on her the whole time we were together and didn't with my new friend, even though the chance was offered at one point. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get her back?
Dear Samson,
I apologize for not responding sooner.
Two years is a long time for a relationship to end without understanding why. I’m not really clear about what happened between the time that her mother moved in and you guys started having problems. I know it can be very stressful on both parties and it takes serious commitment and a lot of discussing and understanding even before a parent or another party (healthy or unhealthy) moves in.
My suggestion is before you think about ways of getting her back, think about your relationship for the last two years; especially prior to her mother moving in. Were there trust issues or other problems within the relationship?
If what you are saying is true, then you should not feel guilty about having friendship with the opposite sex. I value my male friends and some I’ve had for years. I would have to reconsider some things if my boyfriend or even fiancé were to ask me to give them up. I’d have to wonder if there was something that I did for them not to trust me or is there some part of them that just has an issue with trust.
Talking to the opposite sex (a friend) just to get there opinion is sometimes helpful and it seems that you were very forth right with the girl about your feelings for your ex.
It would have helped if you were honest with your ex. But my question is... what type of relationship do you have where you had to show her your personal phone bill?
We are always quick to try to win a person back without really looking at what caused the problems in the first place.
If you are given the opportunity again and if it looks like she is open to try again, I would suggest speaking to a counselor. Moving in with someone, getting engaged and married is huge and often we take these steps without considering how much work it takes.
I hope this helps.
To Sheilah, Ron, and whomever else would be willing to offer advice:
I have a trust issue with my girlfriend. We have been in our relationship now for a little over 7 months. About a month ago, I checked her prior text messages and found that she had sent some sexually intended messages to a guy that is nearly 10 years older than her. This guy is not anyone she has known, but rather just a bartender at a bar she used to occassionally go to with friends before I found aout about the messages. Well when I brought up the messages to her, at first she seemed upset about me checking the messages, but eventually realized that she was in the wrong and apologized. I told her what bothered me the most was what was going on in her head when the messages were sent - blocking me out and flirting with this guy behind my back who she has said she has zero feeling about, just more a flirtacious thing - knowing full well that it would hurt me if I were to find out. She had even sent messages to this guy (who has a gf) after being told by her cousin that I would be told of this guy if she didn't stop it immediately.
The hardest thing for me is that this is a girl I can see myself with for the long haul. She has said the same about me and she does not seem like the type of girl that would actually go through with physically cheat on me. But at the same time, I did not expect her to do this to begin with.
She also had sent messages to her ex-boyfriend because more times than not, he had called or text her, and with the way she is, she felt like she should respond. She has also told me time and time again that she is in love with me, she will never do anything in the future to hurt me again, and that she had known for 2.5 years of the 3 years she dated her exboyfriend that she knew she did not want a future with him. She is not someone that voluntarily shares her feelings, but rather, I sometimes have to dig to find out how she is truly feeling.
So now I have trust issues and can't seem to get over the fact that she did these "minor" actions behind my back. It doesn't help that one of my best friends started dating my ex-girlfriend (w/out telling me for 2 months) while I still had feelings for her.
She really is a great girl, and although I don't THINK she would ever do anything like this again to me, I'm not completely certain. When I asked her what I did wrong, she said I had done absolutely nothing wrong and that she messed up. She often tells me I'm everything she has looked for in a guy (and I feel the same about her), but at the same time, I almost wish I was doing something she didn't like so I would be able to fix it. But it left me wondering if this sounds like something that was a one time thing, or if this is something that is bound to happen again?
With me not wanting to go to anyone close to me to talk about this with because of the fear that they will think less of her, I felt like this was my best option. So, I'll try and make this long message a bit easier to answer:
1. Does she sound like someone that I should be able to give my trust to again?
2. With being hurt before by someone ELSE, do you have any suggestions on how I can regain the trust?
3. Am I over-analyzing the whole situations considering I feel emotionally cheated on, but am almost positive that I wasn't physically cheated on?
4. Am I being reasonable to think that, although I realize that her ex-boyfriend is a part of her past, to have a future with me, she needs to let him (who is not over her) be, and not respond to his messages, especially when I find out that she had talked to him after I found out about the bartender?
5. And lastly, does it mean anything when I routinely get her voicemail when calling her, but get a call back right after, which she happens to do with many of her calls.
Thank you very much for your response.
Dear Ted,
I’m sorry that you are going through this. You mention that one of your friends started dating your ex-girlfriend while you still had feelings for her. My question is; did your friend know that you still had feelings for her? If yes, I’m sorry that you had to go through that.
I also wonder if you gave yourself time to heal before you came involved with another person. Usually if we become involved with another person without solving those issues we had with our previous relationship, they can sometimes blend into the next relationship.
Not to say that your concerns are not valid. But my question is, because of your mistrust, you violated her trust by checking her text messages. Did she do something to make you feel that this was necessary?
Since you took the time to breakdown your questions, I will answer them for you the best I can based on what you have written.
1. Does she sound like someone that I should be able to give my trust to again?
Answer: That is hard to say. It sounds like you already had mistrust issues going in and often we seem to date certain patterns (what I mean by that is, were there problems with trust issues in your past relationships) You could be attracting woman who have a problem with honesty. Do you feel that you are not worthy of dating someone who will treat you with respect?
2. With being hurt before by someone ELSE, do you have any suggestions on how I can regain the trust?
Answer: It’s important that you work on these issues even before entering a new relationship. You can’t change the habits of others, but you can change your own. Evaluating your past relationships is one way. It’s hard to tell someone how to regain trust or how to even work on that issue. I’ve been hurt before. I look inside myself to see what would make me attract someone like that or what I might have done to contribute to them hurting me. Sometimes it has nothing to do with what I’ve done; it could be as simple as me not paying attention to the signs at the beginning of the relationship. Usually when I think about it, that person was just not for me. But I never think it’s a waste of time. It always teaches me a lesson in the end. My question is; what lessons did you learn?
3. Am I over-analyzing the whole situations considering I feel emotionally cheated on, but am almost positive that I wasn't physically cheated on?
Answer: I think it’s important to analyze situations. But you have to make sure that you are not putting your past relationships on your future ones. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t pay attention to the warning signs either.
4. Am I being reasonable to think that, although I realize that her ex-boyfriend is a part of her past, to have a future with me, she needs to let him (who is not over her) be, and not respond to his messages, especially when I find out that she had talked to him after I found out about the bartender?
Answer: It depends on your relationship. Some relationships have an agreement to where exes are off limit. But sometimes if a relationship was a friendship at the beginning and then turned romantically but in the end did not work, there is no reason that the friendship should not remain.
She might just want to continue the friendship, even though there are no romantic feelings.
Also, and I am not saying this is the reason, but females sometimes flirt to just get validation that they are attractive or can attract. (meaning the bartender, etc.)
5. And lastly, does it mean anything when I routinely get her voicemail when calling her, but get a call back right after, which she happens to do with many of her calls.
Answer: It’s hard to say what that means. You say that she calls you right after, which is good. It could just be part of the way she is and you can accept it or… When you are dating someone, you like to feel that you are special and not treated like everyone else. Tell her how that it makes you feel when she doesn’t answer your calls.
I hope this helps in someway.
Dear Ron,
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and our relationship progressed into falling in love. We know everything in each other's lives and are very open about communicating and working on our relationship.
The other day he was going through files on my computer and came across a conversation I had saved with a best girl friend I was very intimate with longer than 2 years ago. I said things in this conversation such as "I love you" and "I want to be with you forever" even though it was purely an emotional relationship. The hard part is, I am still friends with her. Our relationship is purely platonic. This happened so long ago. Needless to say, he freaked out and said I broke his heart. He is living at my house and since he just moved across the country to be with me, he has no place to go. He is destroyed and heartbroken and says he can never trust me again.
I want to work on the problem and fix it. I recognize I should have never kept this secret from him, but I was ashamed and afraid to tell him.
Is there any hope? Is there any way to fix this and to still be together? We have built so much together and losing him would be losing a best friend and a partner. Please help.
sincerely,
Lili
Hi,
I am a 29 year old guy from India, of Hindu religion. I have just engaged with girl and was enjoying my dayes with my fiance.
I caught her talking to her old boy friend and when I asked her about the guy she was talking with, she break down and tell me everything. She told me that she had physical relationship with the guy but it was only foreplay... never had sex with that guy... I do not know what to do.. Now she is very close to my family and in our culture verginity is a priority before marriage. But what I am suffering from is lost trust. Please suggest... I do love her but do not know if I can trust her and get married... I am in so much mental pressure and heart-born...
Please help
Dear Petroda,
I'm not sure if your fiancé is American. If so, it is not unheard of for someone to have had relations with an ex. However, being truthful and honest should be a priority in any culture especially if there is an expectancy of marriage.
Of course I don't know the history of your courtship with your fiancé, but I do hope while you were dating that there was some mention of your family's traditions. If she found out after you proposed, she could have been too afraid to bring up her past.
What is important now is that you not rush into any sudden decisions based on pressure from your family or even your fiancé. This may give you time to stop and really get to know the person you were considering marrying.
Often because of fear of hurting the people we love, fear of rejection or even judgment, we keep secrets about our past. This happens.
However, it is important for you to solve these issues with her before you decide what to do. By not doing so, (either deciding to get married or deciding to end it), you must work through it in order to regain that trust even for future relationships.
Marriage is a huge step. If you marry someone, but still have what they did in the back of your mind then there is still mistrust and it can cause problems down the road.
If this is not something that you are ready to confront your family with, may I suggest you find someone you can trust to whom you look up to and to give you advice.
There are also places where I'm sure you can get counseling. It could help the both of you.
Even as important as her virginity is the trust. If this was something in her past then hopefully you can get past it and learn to forgive. However, you mentioned you recently caught her talking to this ex-boyfriend. She needs to honest about this relationship.
I hope this helps.
Hi Ron,
My husband and I have been married for 12 years and I love him very much. I have felt that we have been through a lot together and that for many years he has treated me like I have no needs at all. Many times I have had to beg for sex and affection and find myself competing for whatever is going on in his life, or the computer or video games. At times he is affectionate which makes me happy but it lasts so little it's not enough. Though in the beginning it was something I would just brush off, I fear that by doing so he has just become complacent. I have talked to him many times about my feelings, about him not celebrating my birthday, or taking the time to establish the intimacy necessary for a healthy relationship, he feel that I expect too much from him and that I know that he loves me. I have written him letters and tried talking but things have not changed. He is wonderful and has all the that I want to be happy, but I fear that though he loves me much, I need more...
Recently I have had some things happen to me that I cannot explain, really good friends both men and women violating our trust to hit on me and trying to kiss me while I am drunk,and trying to take things to the next level. I have told him everything and now he is the angry one. Treating me like he is offended as if I ever asked for anything to happen. I feel that if I let someone kiss me is because I would like to know what it feels like to be wanted, and though I understand this has brought on a world of pain to him, I feel I can't punish myself for things that I have been trying to scream with tears and letters to change in our lives for so many years. I am tired of feeling like a piece of furniture in this house, and I want him to see me for who I am, someone that adores him but is tried of being unappreciated.