Repairing broken trust in a relationship can be very difficult. Many times the reason for the broken trust stems from infidelity or broken promises and these violations within a relationship can virtually destroy it. If you and your partner are committed to working through it though, you will find that your relationship can become stronger than ever.
Before any trust can be rebuilt you must address how and/or why it was broken in the first place. This is the time for brutal honesty. A complete confessional of how the trust was broken should only be done when you are both ready to hear it. Heartfelt apologies should be offered with indications of remorse and promises to not violate the trust again.
There is a massive amount of stress on your relationship once the trust has been broken. Reconciliation can happen first. This happens when both you and your partner make an agreement to work on the issues and rebuild the trust and the relationship. Reconciliation usually has to happen before forgiveness. It also indicates that you are invested in salvaging the relationship and not giving up on it. In many cases it will be up to the person that violated the trust to initiate reconciliation.
The most difficult task is then to forgive. It is never easy to forgive, but if you continue to hold on you will constantly live in a state of rage or anger. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you excuse abusive behavior. It does mean that you are able to work towards letting go of the past. Relationship experts suggest starting with forgiving your partner for their weakness. Your partner also needs to be ready to be forgiven and accept the consequences of their actions.
Sit down with your partner and reevaluate your goals. Remind each other what your priorities are and what unifies your life together. Sometimes a vocal or written commitment to the relationship is a good place to start. Try to avoid setting up conditions of forgiveness.
Getting outside help is strongly recommended. Make an appointment for the two of you to sit down with a relationship counselor. This should be a safe environment for both of you to be honest about how the trust has been damaged or lost. These counselors will have steps for you to go through that will help repair any damage, or in the worst cases, help you to safely walk away from each other.
my name is robert.i am having trouble in trusting my partner of one year.earlier in our realation ship ship had broken my trust with moltiple lies and had left me for another man.after realizing she was truley in love with me she came back to me and i took her back with a open heart and open mind.later though more lies seemed to unravel and more problems began to be dropped on my plate.now that we have worked past that i am faced with the problem of jealousy i am just so sick and tired of her "friends" that are constantly trying to get with her and putting road blocks in our realation ship.i am tired of her getting mad at me because it upsets me that after all she has put me threw i still have to deal with more all the time and its getting old but i love her with all my heart and i am not ready to throw in the towl this girl is my world and has been here for me through alot o very hard times and i just dont know what to do.its really hard to come out and ask for help but i am just to the point where i dont know what else to do.just today she had lunch with a male friend of hers and it made my stomach turn and i worry if he is a threat....how can i get over my fear even though she has shown me i can trus her again im not saying its her i am saying i am so stuck on being afraid of being hurt im scared my relation ship is gonna suffer.
thanks
Robert
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. I was married for 10 years prior to this relationship and I have two daughters from my marriage. I have a son with my new boyfriend. About a year ago my boyfriend had a seizure (his first and only) and since then I catch him lying to me about everything. We broke up for a short time in December and then decided that we loved eachother to much to walk away, so we got back together. He was txtng on his phone one night after he came back home, and it was some girl that I had never heard of. He told me that he knew her before we met. He had been txtng her over christmas and told me that it was a guy friend of his. He has odd phone numbers on his phone, he hides his phone calls, he hides his txts, he lies constantly!! I put 250 minutes on his phone recently and they were gone in less than a week. I had been keeping track of how much time we used and it didn't even come close to 250 mins. He told me that he had just been talking to friends, but he won't talk or txt in front of me. He does it while he is at work. I made him cancel his phone and refused to buy him another. All trust has been broken, and I'm not even in love with him like I used to be. I just can't seem to walk away. Can anybody help me? I feel so lost!
Dear Catherine,
Although you say that you are not happy in this marriage, you go on to say that, “he is wonderful and has all I want to be happy.” But then you also say that the way that you feel has been going on for years. This makes me wonder if he has always been this way; he loves you, however he is not the type to say it or show it and by marrying him you were hoping that might change?
I am also wondering what else is going on in your life. Do you feel fulfilled in other parts of your life?
Often when we are not fulfilled in other areas, we look for more comfort from our spouse and both you and he may not see that the problem could be caused by other things within your marriage. That could also be why you are looking outside your marriage for other comforts.
Your husband needs to emphasize with what you are feeling, however, he is right to be concerned and hurt about you discussing problems within your marriage or receiving advances from others.
If you go outside your marriage for fulfillment, and I don’t mean hobbies because I feel that a husband and wife should also be individuals. What I mean is if you are going outside your marriage for intimacy, you will end up hurting yourself and most of all your marriage.
I recently went to an event where a young couple was introduced were about to get married in a few weeks. What I admired about this couple is that they took the time to receive counseling a year after they decided to get engaged.
We are often more committed to the passion, romance, etc. which is important in any relationship, but if you don’t have a relationship that is also built on a solid foundation, it can easily crumble after a few years.
I hope that you really sit down and decide what is making you so unhappy. I always recommend counseling. I hope that your husband will join you but if not, do it for yourself. When he sees that you are trying to do everything to save your marriage, then hopefully he will decide to do the same.
I hope this helps.
Dear Robert,
Please don’t put all the blame on yourself. It hurts when someone we love wounds us and it becomes even more hurtful when we forgive them and they again abuse that trust.
However if you are not ready to throw in the towel quite yet, and you have committed yourself to her once again, then you owe her and the relationship to try to build that trust especially if you feel she is honestly trying.
I want you to really think about why you took her back. Was it because you love her? If that is the only reason, then it just isn’t enough. I hope that you evaluated and thought about it before you decided to go back into this relationship. I also hope that you really stood back and looked at her and yourself. Is she worthy of your trust? Does she understand and value your decision to take her back and the love it took for you to do it? Does she respect your feelings when it comes to her friendships with others?
It’s a lot to consider. But either way if you have decided that you want to stay in this relationship, you are going to have to work on healing from the past and concentrate on the present. If someone truly feels they have been forgiven, then they will expect your trust. However, if they feel that you are saying you trust, but are showing that you do not, it can cause problems in the relationship.
Evidently there is still healing that is needed. However you can’t do it by yourself. If she loves you as much as you love her, then hopefully she will be willing to compromise on a few things until you are more comfortable. But being accusatory will not help her to open up to you and it will just make her have the attitude of ‘why bother?’
Work on your forgiveness. Whether you decide to hang in there with her or not, do it.
Dear Leslie,
It sounds like you’ve mentally left the relationship, but are afraid to physically leave. The reason could be a fear and/or a realization that another relationship did not work out. Just the thought of it can make us mentally tired and drained and can also cause stagnation into wanting to make a move. We think, “Move on to what?”
Don’t. Relationships will keep failing until we first heal what is in us first and realize that we need to stop attracting and living in the same pattern of relationships (often attracting the same type of relationship) although it’s in a different package.
If you feel that you have given this relationship your best and have tried everything to save it, then it is time to make that move. Try not to concentrate on being alone and don’t think of it as another time wasted.
It’s never wasted time because it is always a lesson learned. Take time to be by yourself for awhile so when you are ready to date again, you’ll know what to watch out for and hopefully take it a little bit slower.
Also based on what you said, it sounds like you seem to be the more responsible one in the relationship. Maybe it’s time to find someone who can match what you have to offer. There are some men who can handle women who are more mature and successful, however there are some who can be intimidated by it and therefore they may try to use cheating as a way to have or keep the upper hand.
Being in a relationship where there is mistrust and lies can beat you down. No one is worth that! You know the saying…’Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.’
Sorry that its going to end up so long. Just want to get the whole story out there to give people a better idea of what is happening.
In a nutshell, my gf of 6 yrs and I have just broken up (i broke up with her). It wasn't because I didn't love her, but the fact that she is confused about what she wants. I don't know if our r-ship is one of the issues, but (here comes the cliches), she said it wasn't me, its her and she just doesnt know what she wants. No matter how hard I try to talk to her, she just can't tell me what's wrong. There is the opportunity for her to see a counsellor, but she is hesitating to.
We have been living together before we even became a couple (just as friends at first), and I'm her first female partner and she doesn't identify herself as being lesbian/bi/straight, just that there's something about me that she loves and she can't see that in other women. However, before we got together she was predominantly straight and had many male sexual partners.
From the get go she said that we'll always be together, that she wants a commitment ceremony, and a baby. Although I was open to the idea, i gave the impression of being hesitant about it, as a part of me was afraid that what is happening now would happen...and can you imagine how hard it'd be if there was a child involved? I mentioned this to her (I like being honest), and she became angry at me for thinking such things.
But then again, my hesitation may have been a big factor in how she is feeling now.
I've always been a supportive, loving partner and she knows and acknowledges it, which gave her the confidence to raise her confusion with me. She questions "Is this the life I want?", "Is this what my life involves now?" etc. I know that our r-ship has hit a wall, and it does feel dull and so "married" like, but she never raised it as a concern, or the times she was unhappy, never let me know. She first raised the confusion thing 3 or so months ago, and we spoke about it and i understood because I'd felt the same at times and asked the same questions..so I could sympathise with her. But she also dropped the bombshell that she was starting to feel an "attraction" to a guy at work, and he is pretty keen on her and wants more from her. She has low self esteem, and I've tried continually to make her feel better about herself. But it seems that this guy is giving her the attention and confidence she needs. She admitted that it felt "exciting" and I know its because she is with me and compared to our "marriage" it would be attractive. I know she'd never cheat on me. I trust her. As I've found other people attractive as well, but not to the same level as her for him. We spoke it through and she agreed that it was because of her self esteem, and she wanted to be with me etc.
Now she is confused again and this time in a MAJOR WAY. So infar that she wants to move out to a place of her own and be by herself for 3 months. She wanted us to be still together and see each other on the w-ends etc. I was ok with it at first, but then alarm bells starting ringing and then my own insecurities etc started to develop, and I came to the conclusion that she wants her cake and eat it too - she wants the feeling of being 'pseudo single' and live the whole single thing, but at the same time have the security of us. That she only wanted me in her life because she is scared of losing me, and doesn't know how to cope with that. I try to be no fool, and so I broke up with her stating that she can't have both. That she should go out and find herself and to do that she has to be by herself. Previously, she had also wanted friends of her own, so I was supportive of her going out with work mates, some of the times they're been "all nighters". So any 'problems' that I knew she wanted solved, we solved them. It wsn't like she had no support of her individual needs. So I think a BIG factor has been her socialising and getting a taste of being out there socially without me. Couples would know that when you're out together, it's different to when you're by yourself.
But is it possible? I mean, we all need time to find ourselves, especially since you've been with the one person since you were 23? I understand totally and am trying to be supportive. I've moved out of our house and staying at my mum's vacant place, so I can give her the space she needs to sort stuff out...but she is still going ahead in moving out. I only see her when she wants to see me (which isnt alot), and I try to see it as giving her space, but at the same time she is the one needing space etc, so should she rely on me at times she's feeling low, especially when it will be if/when she moves out.
I know there is no such definite meaning to "normal", but is this a "normal" thing that happens, especially in full on committed r-ships?
And what should I do? Wait the 3 months? I love her so much and although I've been in other r-ships, she's the first that I feel totally whole with.
I'm in the process of starting to get out there and making friends of my own...in a way trying to establish my own identity..but what happens if she wants me back yet I've moved on? Then I end up regretting it? To make things even more complicated, we have committments which will become MY committments if we don't get back together. It's ok for her to walk out the door and start her own life anew, but I still have to pick up the pieces and start my own new life with our committments still attached (aka, house rennovations, numerous pets etc). I don't want to start being resentful.
Dear Confused,
It sounds like you have already made some sound decisions and just need some validation in a few areas. I hope I can help.
First, if this is her first same-sex relationship, there could be some confusion. This could also be the reason that she is not ready to see a counselor because she may be afraid of what she might find out.
As for you being honest and hesitant when she mentioned the word commitment ceremony and a child, don’t feel that you did anything or said anything wrong. You were being mature and correct. Being committed to someone and then bringing a child into the equation is a huge step and should not be taken lightly although a lot of people unfortunately do. You did the right thing.
In regards to her having low self-esteem, you can’t help her with that. She needs to work on that herself. Counseling could definitely be the key in finding out the source. You basically can’t love someone else if you don’t love self. Can’t be done. People look for someone outside themselves to build them up, but all it does is cause strain on the other partner.
Trust your instincts. They sound dead-on. Your alarm went off when she suggested seeing you, but also others. Both have to feel comfortable in doing that. If it feels one-sided to you, then it is and there is no reason for you to agree to it.
I think it’s a good idea for her to get space so she can decide on what she wants, but I believe it could be good for you. Don’t fight her on this. If she wants to do this, then make sure it is a clean break. Staying in contact with someone you are still in love with will only cause hurt. Often the person who wants to stay in contact likes that fact because it gives them certain control and keeps the door open anytime they just want to walk in and out. It keeps the other person weak and vulnerable. That is not what you need.
There are many relationships that go through this. Sometimes it ends up working where the couple reunites and the relationship is better than ever. But in terms of your relationship, I hope that you keep meeting new friends and keeping yourself busy and finding out who you are and what you want. And if you decide that you don’t want that person back and that you moved on… then you WILL move on and there WILL be no regrets. Regrets mean holding on to the past, and who wants to do that?
Hi
By reading some of this messages, i found out alot of relationships are broken from trust issues. Mine is somewhat similar, After my husband deploy i started going out with a guy and had sex sevral times, kiss, hold hands we did everything a couple does, and i had current arguments with my husband everytime he call me from iraq, after i deploy i still keept seen this guy because he was in my unit, and when he move to another unit i started seen another guy and also had sex with him, to make the story short, i had cheated on my husband with 5 difrent guys, when we got back to the states from deployment i told him i had been unfaithful once because i missed him, and even though he said he forgive me, i still think he doesnt trust me, and i dont trust him so i went trough his phone to check for messages and found out that he is also been unfaithful texting other girl to send pictures to him or her naked, and messages like i miss you, so of course i confronted him and we argue and he says is just a friend from back home were he used to live before he join the army and that he did it because he was bore, i also recive an email from another girl i dont know, and dont know how she got my email from, but anyway she text me saying that she has been with my husband for 4 months all ready, and having sex and stuff. Well i text back saying i dont care because i had also been unfaithful. Now we are trying to work things out, he even got my name tattoo on him, but iam not sure if it would workout, please help i need your advice cuz iam going crazy, i dont know if i can be faithful to him iam trying but its hard and is even harder to trust him.
Hi Angela. I read your blog, and I do agree with you and your husband trying to work things out. Just a word of advice though if you don't mind...you have got to be completely honest to him about how many times you cheated. And he needs to do the same. You guys need to sit down and just come clean about everything. If you try to work it out and there are still secrets then it kinda defeats the purpose, don't you think? Just wanted to try and help.
hi,
My situation is very unique. My first love and I have been together for 3 years. We've had a long distance relationship but we managed to keep it together for so long cause we were really in love and we'd spend a resonable amount of time together. We had some rocky times and she broke up with me when she was confused but we got back together and were stronger than ever. We are both jealous for one another and both of us adjust to the other persons requests... i even stopped talking to any woman friends i had in the past for her.
Well, after almost three years, we became very very close like family. We talked about marriage and i knew i was her all. Long distance seems to inflate some problems and after a couple days of being stuck in an argument which led to her hanging up on me and not calling me for a couple days, i broke up with her cause i was confused and unhappy and needed some space. This really hurt her. She thought i would never do such a thing. She would call me and i would just tell her i needed more time and it was so painful for her. After about a month, we started talking consistantly again and i told her i loved her again and she was really sweet. I decided i would spend my summer with her and when i saw her, things seemed ok but as time went on, i could see she had a lot of stored up anger. A couple of huge fights later, we had a stupid breakup cause i snapped cause she kept hanging out with random guys and she knows that hurts me but she didnt care but told me i was annoying (she used to listen and do thethings to make me feel better). One day after the breakup she kissed a guy. The entire summer was a nightmare. Some time after sher kissed him, she hung out with me again and kissed me but things were obviously not normal. We would fight and then she'd go hang out with that guy and lie to me about where she was. She was like a totally different person and i dont know if that can happen to someone over night or if its part of her character that i never knew. I dont want to judge her character cause of 2 stupid months and forget about the 3 years of happiness together.
Now we're back in our element and she's sorry and wants me to come see her and work on the relationship but the pain i feel is so overwhelming but i know i still love her. I take blame for breaking up with her and hurting her in the first place. I shed tears and the thought of some of the things i went through and saw this summer. These things shattered my heart and I'm afraid. I am in love with her but i cant live with these thoughts in my mind. I never thought she was capable of conciously hurting me like she did in front of my face but she did...
I just want to know your opinion...should i give her another chance or is it done? She has a wall up and it seems as though i need to work extra hard to break down her wall when im the one in pain daily. I want to try but i also dont know if im setting myself up for a bigger let down than ever. She still has anger towards me. It's to much to deal with my pain and hers at the same time... please help
I have never trusted my boyfriend and he told me if i didnt trust him its gonna drive him further and further away from me.He's been txting girls alot and he wont show me the txts. Me and him got into it a few weeks ago and he left and stayed at a girls house and never came home till the next day and he told me a few days ago their only friends and he promised me that he never cheated on me i need some advice on how to trust him cause i'm having a very very hard time trusting him and i dont want him to break up with him cause of me not trusting him.We have a 1yr old daughter and i want for her to see us together.Please help me I'm wanting to change. Mandy,
Dear Mandy,
It's hard for me or for anyone to tell you how to work on your trust issues. All situations are different.
Your boyfriend is correct when he says that trust can push him further away, however I don't know if your mistrust issues come from your gut, what you have openly seen, or from past relationships.
If your feelings are coming from issues of past relationships or low self-esteem and not necessarily from anything he has done, then you need to work on forgiving and releasing the past and concentrate on the present. No one likes to be accused of doing something wrong if they are innocent.
However, if your feelings are either from what you see he is doing or done (based on fact not on what you think he might be doing), then you are valid and need to speak to him openly about what he is doing and how it is making you feel and how it (not just you) is jeopardizing the relationship.
Because there is a child involved your relationship is important whether you stay together or not.
I applaud you to want to change, but remember it takes two. I would suggest you both sit down and really talk about your issues and how it relates to your daughter. Yelling, fighting and getting angry are not going to help the relationship at all.
Learn to communicate without all the emotional crap. Either you're going to work on the relationship or not. Either you're going to do this right or not. Either you're going to work this out together or not. It's not about the other girls. Either you're going to have a healthy relationship or not. You can not force trust if there an underlining problem. Either work it out, or know the reason why.
Mike,
One sentence you wrote stuck out to me immediately.
You said that you "cannot live with those thoughts in your mind." That indicates to me that, even if you do continue to be in a relationship with this woman, you will never be able to move past what she did. I can tell that you are hurting and conflicted, which is completely normal given what you've been through. However, in order for a relationship to bounce back after something like this both partners need to be able to forgive AND forget. You cannot let memories of how she hurt you bring a dark cloud over your relationship if you intend to stay with her. The fact that she also continues to hold anger towards you doesn't bode well for a successful relationship either.
Ultimately, I believe the two of you need to sit down and have a conversation about where you stand. Can BOTH of you forgive one another and forget about past transgressions? If the answer is yes, then this relationship may be able to make it. If either one of you says no however, I don't see how the two of you can continue to stay together. You're in for a tough decision but if you are able to put behind the hurt she caused (and she can do the same) you will be on the right track to fixing this relationship.
Dear Ron,
I have an addiction. I am addicted to pain pills, have been clean and sober for six weeks, and continue to recieve treatment. What this has done to my family is my concern. I lied to my wife about it, and hid money out of my paychecks to support my habbit. We are currently living apart and with eachothers parents. I also have a three yearold daughter with her. She believes that I have nearly destroyed all trust she had in me and she doesnt know how to be able to trust me again. She tells me she loves me and does not deny me time with my child. Once the truth came out and I admitted I had a problem, I came clean. I told her everything. I also told her that I needed her help and support to make it through recovery. For about three weeks that happened. She supported me. She assured me that we were gonna make it through this together. But since then she has done a complete 180. Her anger has become so intense that we go days without speaking. She does not deny me access to my daughter but I dont know how to repair the broken trust. I realize and accept that the choices I made put our family in hte situation its in, financially and emotionally.
I dont even know where to start repairing this, or trying too. Or if it is evenn possible. Any advice on beginning to regain a loved ones trust would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Rob
hi. my name is ricky. i dont know what to do or think. im in a one year relationship right now. i used to go out all the time with my friends almost every weekend. my girlfriend gos out with her friend usually to but not as much as me. we had problems with me going out too much so i said i would stop. so i did for a month then i stared going out every weekend again. recently about the end of september we had an arguement i got mad and told her to move out. she came back the next night then went back to her dads the next. she said we needed a break. the night after she said that i was with my friends and she was gonna come over and sleep over that night. she said she would call at 2am. i got up at 5 and she didnt i was worried because she always did. i drove to her friends her car wasnt there. then i saw her car in her ex boyfriends driveway. i was stunned. she didnt call me till later that night. and she hung out with him for the next week or 2. she said she didnt know what she wanted then she said she didnt want me. i stopped calling then she started calling. she said she wanted to work things out. then she didnt again. on night she called and wanted to go out . so we went to dinner. she cane over to my house after and was acting like nothing happened. so its like were back together again shes making plans about our future and tells me she loves me now. and she sleeps over and comes over again. im too scared to ask her anything because i dont wanna loose her again. do you think im what she really wants? what should i do?
hello,
well mine isn't anything really big. But my boyfriend cheated on me and it really hurt. obversely, and i did talk about it with him and i id break up with him, well not really break up but took a break. I told him that he should take this week and think about what he did and if he really wants to be with me. When the week was over we talked about it and i desiced to give him another chance. Now i do beleive him when he says that hes with me and only wants to be with me. But then when he drinks hes not the smartest guy. And thats where the cheating happened. I also told him that he HAD to not take so much when he went to bars. And he agreed becuase i told hi mthat if he could drink like that then i could drink like that, and well *who knows what i would do* kind of thing. But im still worried that he may well do it again. So this bring me to my point,. i was just wondering if you think that *once a cheat always a cheat* things is true, and if i should still be with him?
hello,
my name is David ever since me ad my girlfriend have been going out everything has been great till a couple of days ago. i could honestly say that i screwed everything up,our sex life was great but i have a problem not knowing wen to stop.i would ever listen to her when she told me to stop i did something that she told me to do 3 times and i still did it.she broke with me as would have expected it. were taking a break right now we talked about working it out but she says that she doesn't think she can love me like she did before i love her ad i want to regain her love what can i do??
Hello,
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and a half. We've broken up a few times over trust issues and parent issues. Over time my boyfriend has opened up to me less and less and we have talked about it, he says he tries to tell me things and I never listen but I do, and I try really hard because I love him a lot and really care. I keep making little mistakes and he has practically stopped all communication on a deeper level with me. I'm surprised he hasn't let go of me and moved on but I know he is in love with me too so he keeps giving me chances. I just don't know if I can stand the communication issues anymore and I don't know how to slowly get him to trust me more. I promise him that I will and then I make the same mistake which frustrates him. How should I go about coaxing him to open up and trust me more??
Hi Ron,
I am now in a sutiation where i am really confused and puzzled.
To give you a background, i have a BF right now,we've been together for less then 3 years, he really loves me so much and could hardly felt it before when things happen before our 3rd years anniv.
One day 10 days before the anniversary, all of the sudden he just texted me that he's inlove with other lady that he just met 3 days ago, He said he loved me but he loves the girl also. Ofcourse i am shocked that he could do that to me as i know he loves me so much. We are in a long distance relationship but though i am far to him i am calling hima nf texted him everyday just to make him feel i am just at his side. So what happen is that i said many things to him, blame him that lead him to choose the girl over me who is near to him. After 2 weeks of beeging and trying hard to win him back, i finally give up and let him go. I changed my number and started to move on then after 1 month, he's coming back again asking for a chance and strart promising that he would change and make up to me. I accepted him although the trust is still not there. Now we have been together for 6 months again but it is difficult for me as till now i still cannot forgot what he did to me and still could not imaging why he cheated me.
Now, i dont have peace at all, seems like i a paranoid one that keeps on thnking that he would do it again once he met someone else. I know he;s trying to make things work and showing effort but still i can't trust him. Now everytime somethings remebered me of what he did, i felt angry and it changed my mood alot. I am always jumping to conclusion that he would leave me again and hurt me. I really love him so much but i love my self also. Having into our relationship for me is hard coz i dont trust him at all and theres no assurance that everything would be OK.
Now i ask for a space to really think if i can forgive hi,and if i can still withstand to our relationship. It really very hard to be in a relationship without trust especially we are not together.
Pls advise. Thanks
Hey Ron,
I know you get this kind of stuff all the time, but I really need your help because I really want my relationship to work. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now, but in the beginning when we first started getting together I had just broken up with my ex and wasn't over him. I told my boyfriend this, and asked him to give me a couple of months, but when that couple of months was over I still wasn't over my ex but lied and said I was to my boyfriend. I continued emailing and texting my ex behind my boyfriends back and lied about it until I got caught a couple months later. This is something that I really regret and know was very selfish on my part. I so wish that I could turn back time because now, a year later we still get in fights about it, and he can't seem to get over what I did. The trust is broken, and I am afraid that I am going to lose him. Please tell me how I can save this relationship. I have changed and will never do anything like this again. I need him to know this.
Hi Hellen,
It sounds like you are already working on saving your relationship. However, the thing you must understand is, you can not push or rush someone into forgiving you. It takes as long as it takes. You can say you've changed over and over, but until the person who was hurt sees that change and decides to forgive, it's basically a waiting game.
There could be other reasons why he has not forgiven you. He could be holding on to other hurts from past relationships, old insecurities, or it could be as simple as him feeling like he is not being heard.
If at all possible, try not making it into a fight every single time. Instead of trying to prove your point, listen to his. Basically be quiet and listen to what he has to say instead of trying to explain your side. I'm sure he already knows the reason why you did what you did.
I'm not saying this is happening, but often when we are trying to ask for forgiveness, we are so busy trying to explain our side that our empathy for the other party gets pushed aside. Right now it ain't about you, it's about him. Let him say what he needs to say and feel what he needs to feel.
Saying you have changed and arguing your point for why you did what you did, is not the key to fixing the relationship.
But I don't mean that you let him dump all over you. It takes two to hurt a relationship and hopefully he can recognize his part in it.
If it comes to the point where you feel that you've done all you can to try to make it work but he just is not coming around, you might just need to let it go and give him time.
It sounds like you went into this relationship w/o letting go of the last one. You also might need to get some distance and give yourself time.
Dear Zena,
The only reason you should let someone back into your life after they’ve hurt you is because you have forgiven them and are ready to move on and build a relationship with them again. Unfortunately, we don’t do that. We bury the pain for a short while and when it returns (it always does, because we haven't really took the time to deal with it)it brings back memories of the hurt which causes mistrust.
This is not good for either party. It can keep you angry and it can also cause the other person to try to over compensate because of the guilt. This can lead to stress and eventually make them want to just give up on the relationship all together.
You say that he is trying to make things work and putting in the effort. The point is you took him back and so far in the last 6 months he has not given you any reason for doubt.
People make mistakes all the time out of loneliness, insecurities or even fear. When you decide to take someone back, for them you are saying “I’ve forgiven you.” You are right. There is no assurance that he will be faithful. But if you are going to stay in this relationship, then you owe it to the both of you to try. You say you love him. Love is not just saying the words, it comes with commitment, trust, forgiveness, understanding, faith and action from the both of you. Decide to trust or decide to move on…
So- here's my problem. My husband had an affair with a woma who pretended to be my friend. I don't believe you can have sex with your friends husband and still be their friend.
Anyway- I always knew something was wrong, but could never prove it. We separated, then he told me it was an "emotional" affair, and that he promised to stay away from this person. A few months ago= i find her text messages- and then I made him leave. He finanlly came clean with the truth that he was having an affair- now what? He thinks he is a different person now that he admitted it-- its like Im suppose to be thankful. He has made my life miserable for so long because he was living a lie. Now he wants to rebuild our marriage, how do you live with someone who does this?
They both just rlled over me like a mack truck-- and he was so deceitful, as was she. How does someone do that, and think they love their wife? He says he loves me-- but I don't think you can do that and love your wife. He protected her reputation, and destroyed me in the process, so where does that leave me? He says he wants his marriage back? Your advice?
Dear Alley,
I guess it comes down to what you want. Do you still want this marriage to work?
I’m sure he feels better that he came clean, but now that his conscience is clear has he considered what it has done to you?
I believe that when someone cheats, it has nothing to do with how they feel about the person they cheated on. They can still love their spouse, but low self-esteem, marriage issues, stress, or even just a physical attraction and nothing more can cause someone to cheat. However whatever the reason is or was has no consequence. Cheating is cheating.
It’s important that you work on forgiving your husband for what he did, however he still needs to be held accountable for his actions and can not expect for things to go back to the way they used to be.
I would suggest getting some professional help because you need to find out why this happened. Were there clues that you ignored? Were there warning signs in your marriage? (Unfortunately the problem can never be blamed on just one person). Most importantly, your husband can not expect to just say he ‘loves you’ and for you guys to just move on.
If he doesn’t want to go to counseling, then you go by yourself. Maybe then you can decide what you want to do either for the marriage or in the end just for your own peace of mind. I hope this helps.
Ron,
I have read several of the post from people who you have shared advise with and I want to thank you for taking the time to help people through their relationship and marital issues.
I have been married for close to 14 years, my wife and I were married rather young, I was 23 and she was 21. Over the years I have done several things to challenge the relationship, infidelity, lying, distance. We waited 9 years to have children and during the last 5 years we have had 3. During the last two years we have had two children the youngest is a month old. A long story short, my marriage is a mess, getting messier. My job takes me away from home a great deal and over this past year I have spent appx 190 days away from home. I have not been the best husband and I love my wife with all my heart however, my wife feels as though I have distanced myself from her when i believe its quite the contrary. She says the love is gone and does not want to work towards mending the relationship. She doesn't believe in counseling as she feels as though it drums up the past and she says that it hurts. She wants both of us to be there for the children but says she views me as nothing more than a roommate. There is nothing that I can do about my job. I am in the military and I go when and where they tell me to go. I feel like it has a lot to do with it as she has indicated that the issues started about 2 years ago and thats about the time I took this new job. Granted a ton of crap has transpired prior. I love my wife and honestly, it has taken the age of maturity for me to realize her importance. I have not been a good husband, honesty has not been my strong suit. I admit to being distant these past two years as pregnancies are something that I feel actually indirectly place distance between people. The fact that I am gone a great deal of the time hasn't helped. I swear it seems as though each time I am away, when I return, I have been pushed that much further away. My God, can this relationship be placed back on track? Can I ever show her that I can be someone that can be trusted? Is it possible to make her love me the way that she has in the past? Sir, I will be frank, my family is my life, I absolutely cannot live without them. I am not healthy when I am not with them! They are my life as I know it, immensely and eternally. Not trying to sound crazy, I just literally feel ill without my family. I am away now and feel in a fog, I love my wife more than she could ever realize through my words. At the moment, she will not let me get close enough to show her otherwise. I am guilty, granted she has not been perfect, but I think by and large I am to blame. I need your help.
J
Dear J,
It’s hard to convince someone that you’ve changed if there has been a lot of hurt and mistrust in the relationship, however it is not impossible. Fourteen years of marriage along with 3 children is a marriage worth saving.
I know it’s challenging to work on a relationship when your job takes you away most of the time, but it can be done. You say that you love your wife and that is the first start. The second is not giving up even when you are at your lowest. The third… stop playing the ‘blame’ game.
You both have made mistakes, and it’s great that you have taken ownership for most of them, but now it’s time to do the work.
Your wife is correct when she says counseling only brings up the past and yes it does hurt. But that’s only done because in order to heal from the hurt you have to talk about it, learn from it, and then eventually let it go. Your wife is basically doing exactly what she fears counseling will do. The only difference is that she’s holding on to it which is causing the anger. Therefore, she will never let go of the past whether she wants to believe it or not. We make the mistake of thinking if we bury it and don’t talk about it anymore, we can move on. But nothing can be further from the truth.
Just because one person doesn’t want to get counseling, does not mean that the other person should not. Evidently there were reasons that you cheated, lied and distanced yourself (both physically and emotionally) from your marriage and you need to find out why.
Your wife could be feeling a lot of things; hurt, mistrust, and confusion. By you saying you’ve changed are not necessarily going to help her heal from this. We are talking about years of wounds.
Also, when a husband and wife have a child, there should never be any kind of distance. This gift that you both participated in (conceiving a child) is a bond that should bring more closeness, not more distance. I’m also sure with the birth of the 3rd baby, which you say is only a month old, still leaves your wife somewhat emotional especially if she felt that you were distance during the pregnancy.
Please seek counseling. I’m sure the military can help you find some help, or if you don’t want to take that route, then maybe a church or even your medical doctor can suggest someone.
If your wife sees that you are going to counseling and working on yourself, it is possible that she might decide to seek professional help or even join you in your sessions or at the very least see that you are trying to work on yourself as well as save the marriage. Give her time and don’t push it her but also give yourself time. Missing your family is normal, however if you are feeling ill because you are afraid that you might loose your family, then you definitely need to address those fears with a professional.
I hope this helps.
Ok here is my problem, it may be to late, but i love this girl. We had been going out for about a year, known eachother for about 2. I guess i wasnt showing her enough attention and she started talking to guys online. I found some emails of her saying how he was the most important thing in her life and i was devistated. I confronted her and we tried to work it out but it lead to her wanting to date other people. Eventually she started liking me again but i was afraid she would do it again so i kept it as a friend relationship. I started dating another girl for a month and she moved away, we tried a long distance relationship through texting all while my friend(the one i love) is hurting. Well i broke up with the long distance girl to get back together with my ex. I guess she has just started a new relationship with a guy over the internet that lives accross the world, well i apologised to her and confessed my love to her and how she is the one i want to marry. But she wants to stay with this guy because "he is now my BF". I dont know what to do. Please help. -Dakota
I never really talk to anyone about my problems. I find it so hard to talk to people about the way I really feel inside, even my parents. So this is the first time I have done anything like this.
My Problem:
I was in a relationship of over 4 years with a girl I had been going out with since School. I had never had any 'real' girlfriends before that and the attention I had from the opposite sex was always 'minimal'. I was never that popular since being a kid.
Although we didnt argue, I am now seeing it was never a healthy relationship. We had good times together but at the same time we never talked about any problems at all. In fact most of the time I spent just taking the blame for anything that might have been wrong, saying sorry, and just generally keeping things bottled up and quiet.
[ Just so you understand a bit more about me - I have always found it easier to talk to girls than guys. I wouldnt think of myself as a 'man's man'. I am small, skinny and I wouldnt say I was that attractive. I just never really felt that I fitted in anywehere with guys so it seemed natural to be friends with girls. So because I was friends with manily girls, I kind of became like a girl (cuddley, flirty, etc).]
Well, Wwe both had friends of the opposite sex and we both flirted with other people and (I understand now) that we were way too close with those people.
Anyway, after I started my second year of college (the last year of the relationship), I became very close with a group of girls on my course. I was attracted to a couple of them, but the reason I became good friends and got close was because I felt comfortable around them all and accepted for who I was also and I hadnt really had that before.
Although it wasnt a great relationship looking back, at the time I was content. I didnt want anybody else. Then my girlfriend asked us to go on a break to see other people. I was a little upset but I just thought 'its only a break'. Then whilst on a break I kissed one of the girls on my course. I felt excited. It felt so good to be wanted that I got carried away with that feeling. So after the break was over my girlfriend told me that she wanted to see other people. I was upset when she told me but it soon passed. I do think its strange and I dont really understand why I wasnt that upset by it all but I wasnt.
After we broke up I got together with the girl I had kissed. It was exciting and new and once again it felt so good to be wanted that I didnt even think about her boyfriend and how it would affect him. All I could think about was myself and the attention. I was very selfish. Then that went a little sour when she became so clingy and constrictive and I broke it off.
Then one of my other 'girl' friends from college introduced me to another girl, Laura. She suggested we go out for a drink, which we did and we enjoyed it. After a bit we started going out and then I just went hot and cold with her all the time. One minute I wanted to be with her, next I didnt. I didnt really know what I wanted and this came to a head when my Ex decided to contact me and asked if I wanted to get back together. This messed around my mind. I ended things with Laura and I went away for a little while and then I decided that I didnt want to be with my Ex, it would be stupid to go back to that. Because I thought that, I assumed I was over her.
Me and Laura got back together and still after that I continued to blow hot and cold. I did really like Laura and I still dont understand what I was thinking to treat her that way. But once again I messed it up. One night at work (I worked in a nightclub), I met another girl, Amy. She had spoken to me a couple of times but I hadnt thought anything of it but then I started to see my Ex in her. Not in her looks but in the way she spoke and acted and so I just got sucked into her and then one night after work I offered her a lift home and then we kissed. I should have done the decent thing and told Laura but I didnt. Instead I stayed with Laura and continued to text and talk to Amy. I was blowing hot and cold with both of them. I couldnt decide what or who I wanted, I had never had so much attention and never been in that situation before so I didnt know how to handle it. I know now that I should have called it off with both and told them how I felt and then went from there...but I didnt.
I realised too late that Amy was just my Ex 'in disguise' and that I only wanted Laura. So then Laura dumped me after finding out what had happened.
But she gave me yet another chance and I messed it up again. I mentioned before about being too close and more comfortable being friends with girls - well, although I never found her attractive and I never had any sexual feelings towards her, I was too close to Rachel, the friend that had introduced me and Laura to each other. This came to a head on Laura's birthday when I stupidly took Rachels side in an argument they were having. (After speaking with a couple of people, I later realised how manipulative Rachel is and also the extent she uses people to get what she wants).
Again, I got given another chance. Since then, I have been focused on Laura and although I have lied to her and hurt her and told her 'I will change' so many times. It has been all to easy to slip back into the way that I was then.
I have made Laura so insecure that she questions everything I do and once she starts thinking about things it keeps going round in her head just building up speed that I am just with her because I enjoy hurting her. She loves me and has loved me since she met me. I really love her too and I dont understand why I keep hurting her. I am not trying to hurt her, I do not want to hurt her.
I have said sorry so much that it means nothing anymore. I have tried admitting my mistakes and saying I will change so many times that they also mean nothing.
I love her more than anything and I will try anything to change the way I have been acting, to show her that I love her and to regain the trust and to make her happy.
Laura has asked me to not speak to her unless I have something new to say, something that will make her want to give me another chance, something that will prove that I do love her and wont hurt her anymore. Like I said, I have said sorry and lied so much that she cant believe me when I say I love her and that I will change and she doesnt want to hear that anymore.
Now I fear that I will lose her forever. She said she had left other men for far less than I ever put her through. I know that I have certain problems and behavioral changes that I must make change. I am even willing to go to therapy or counselling to sort myself out. I love her deeply and believe in "us".
I dont know what to do. I'm afraid that calling her and going round in circles and saying the same things will hurt her even more and push her away, and I hate sending emails or letters because I have done that before and she doesnt want to hear the same things again.
Please Help.
I think I've always known but need confirmation. This relationship started from an affair that lasted years. He got divorced and now we've been back together for two years. I cannot be surprised that he accidentally forwarded emails to me that he wrote to another woman. This has happened off an on for the last year. He said it's over but I don't really believe that. If the relationship started out with a lie, why should I be surprised that I'm in the exact same position. Now, he's almost in tears that I've had enough. Is this man a narcissist or manipulator or just wants someone that will take care of him but still needs the buzz that the illicit stuff brings. By the way, he's not a young man.........in his 60's.
Hey Ron,
My name is Kevin, I've been dating my girlfriend for about six years now. From what I can tell everything was going great. Suddenly she started to drift away and became distant...We haven't made love in a couple weeks. I sensed this and confronted her on whats going on. She told me she was unsure about our relationship and did not know if she wanted to be with me.
I'm her first serious relationship (High School sweethearts) and she said there is so much out there in the world she wants to experience. I was shocked and very hurt to hear that. I gave her everything I was madly in love with her. We talked after the break up and a week later we sat down to talk. I tell found out the real reason for the break up.
She started to have feelings for one of her guy friends. They spend a good amount of time together ( I love her and trust her...so when she tells me she's with him. I have no problems what so ever.) So instead of telling me this she keeps me distant while getting closer and closer to him.
The problem is she is now back with me, she tells me she loves me and know that I'm the right guy for her. But she still continues to hang out with that guy, in fact they are out right now! Its not in me to make her choose between her friends, I respect her but deep down inside I feel so insecured and unsure if I trust her completely. The friend also knows that she has feelings for him...what if he tries to make and advance on her?
How do I deal with this? I want to believe her...I want to have a future with her. How do I know she wont break my heart? Is she taking advantage of me? Should I tell her I think she is selfish?
Thanks!
Here's my deal, and it sounds pretty common, based on what I read. I have been married 6 years and we have been thru alot. My ex died , leaving my wife and I to raise my 2 girls. I should say, leaving me to raise my 2 girls. She ahs never participated much, and I have not asked her to. I do all the things a single parent should. My wife likes to think that I neglected her to focus on the kids, especially immediately after mom died. I think this is acceptable, and expected. She forgets that we scheduled a trip to the Bhamas just a few weeks after the death. No neglect there. Anyway, I began to suspect she was having an affiar with her boss, and told her so. They went on a business trip together, and had 4 nights at a very nice country club in LA, on the company. She denied any wrongdoing. Months later she told me people at work were spreading rumors about her and the boss. The two primarily responsible for the "rumors" were fired by the boss. She admitted she only told me because she thought someone else would get to me first. Of course, I was upset. She told me I should support her, and had no right to be upset. On we went.
Until she made "friends" with a guy in her industry, who lives near us, and started working out with him, running, yoga. Both things I love, by the way. She spent 2 weekend mornings with him recently, and I called her on it, told her that's over the top, and another weekend like that and we're thru. She grudgingly agreed, but cannot at all understand that I would be concerned, upset whatever, when they do things together. Lunch is planned next week, at about the most romantic place in our city, on him, of course. I found this out because I saw her open date book. She continues to deny they have any definite plans to do anything together. Of course, a boldface lie.
I need a reality check about my feelings, and any other feedback you have. Yes, we're looking up marriage counselors in our area.
thanks, and help.
Hello,
I came across this website when I googled 'repairing a broken relationship,' and I apologize in advance as my story is pretty similar to everyone else's and it must get pretty boring after awhile. Anyway here is my story: My boyfriend and I were together for about a year before he developed a debiilitating condition. It took about two years to get a proper diagnosis and therefore to get treatment. During this two years, he required a lot of care, lots of massages, couldn't do any housework and of course, we had sex about once every two months seizing a rare moment when he wasn't in pain. I didn't mind full time care of him, but of course the sex part was horrible. I dealt with it though and for the most part our relationship was ok. Trouble happened when he finally got a diagnosis and began to get treatment. Slowly, but surely, he began to get better. Well, let me say first that I have always been interested in marriage, and I wasn't very subtle about it either. From the moment our relationshop reached a year, I have dropped many hints. Of course with him sick and in pain, it wasn't too much of an option, but once he started getting better, I assumed that my engagement ring wouldn't be far behind. I was wrong. He never even considered it. We had several arguments about it, most culminating in him telling me that marriage was stupid or just uninteresting to him. It finally got to the point where he basically told me that if I wasn't happy we could break up. I was devasted. Here I had sacrificed my sex life, all my travel plans and my education plans to be with him and take care of him during him lowest and he was telling me that he wasn't interested in marrying me. Even if he didn't believe in it, I thought that as someone who had done so much for him that I deserved some compromise. Finally the devastation wore me and eventually (at this point we still weren't having sex) I ended up having sex with a male friend. Even after he got better, I continued to see my male friend and did so for eight months. About seven months in I broke up with my boyfriend because I recognized that things were bad, that what I was doing was wrong and that being unhappy in a relationship and cheating wasn't helping. Well, my boyfriend was crushed and cried and pleaded and tried him best to get me back. He said he didn't know that marriage was so important to me and begged me to marry him. I wasn't interested as I felt that I needed to work through my issues before being in a relationship again. Well, he continued to beg and continued to plead and one night he confronted me (about two months after we broke up) and said that he knew all about my affair and that he still loved me and wanted to make things worse, that he had his suspicions but that he was just letting it run its course and was waiting for me to figure things out. I was shocked, but I felt that if he still wanted to work on things that maybe he wasn't just using marriage as a ploy to get me back and that maybe he truly was in for the long haul. I took him back and it was amazing. We went on dates all the time, celebrated out four year anniversary at a nice restaurant, were the happiest that we ever had been and even ordered an engagement ring. Things were amazing for about two months and then he began to get depressed. Now, he says he feels like he doesn't know me, that he can't trust me, he feels wounded and betrayed. He has terrible mood swings where he'll be delighted to be around me and then he'll sit there staring at a wall. I'm so upset now, I thought we were going to be ok and now I'm terrified. My engagement ring has been in his drawer (I found it accidentally) for a month now and he has yet to pop the question. He's upset all the time and it's beginning to wear on me. Our sex life as a result is back on the rocks and I find myself watching a ridiclouous amount of pornography, almost to the point that it interferes with my daily life. The rest of the time I walk about in a daze. Today he sounded when I called from work and I as a result I dashed home, jogging the three blocks fro mthe train station because I so wanted to enjoy his good mood while it lasted. I just don't know what to do. I wanted to not be in a relationship because I thought we both needed time and he convinced me and we were great and now I feel like we make each other miserable. Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.
Hi there.
My girlfriend of 2 years recently broke up with me and im devastated. We have been inseperable. Living together and travelling the world. We had made all sorts of plans for the next 5 years. When we started seeing each other, i told her some lies. Nothing hurtful, just to make me look better. I really wanted her to think that I was better than i deemed myself to be. further down the line she found me out and after a heart breaking talk she forgave me. After travelling the world together for 6 months we came home for christmas to see her folks. The day before we were due to go back she told me that she was ending it because of these lies. She has never told lies to me and i feel disgusted with how i have behaved. Im desperate to get her back, after leaving her alone for nearly a month im flying out to France to suprise her on valentines day. She is already out there with her family as they have a house there.
Can you offer me advice as what to say?
Please help im turning myself inside out.
Hello,
I am definitely having a difficult time not only recovering from an incident between my boyfriend and I, but deciding if I'm even over reacting.
My BF and I met close to a year ago. Early on, we realized we shared many of the same core values in life and morals, etc. He asked if I was currently (at the time) seeing or even "talking" to anyone else, and I asked the same. Both answers were no. He is a good guy from what I know about him, although through out the months I have noticed he has some very "private" ways about him. I almost want to consider them secretive or "shady", but he assures me he has just always been a very private person and even his family nags him about it.
About a month ago, I had lent him my laptop to try and fix. Upon returning it, I casually asked had he gone through my pictures etc. Because I caught him off guard, his reaction said it all. He had gone snooping. I made sort of a big deal over the fact that I was upset he felt he needed to do that, but decided to let it go after realizing his embarrasment and shame were "punishment" enough. He didn't find anything incriminating which was never a concern of mine anyway, it was the point that he didn't trust me that bothered me. I never brought it back up.
The following week, I was at his place and needed to use his laptop for some schoolwork. He logged in under his username and I went back to the living room as he was cooking in the kitchen. When his user settings popped up, so did his internet along with his email already pulled up. I opened a new tab and started reading up on my assignments. Of course, the incident from the previous weekend popped up in my head, as well as his "private ways" and the suspicions I constantly had to fight off because of them. I gave in and click on his emails. In all honesty, I hoped it would be completely innocent and I would go back to my schoolwork feeling ashamed. I was wrong. The very first one I clicked on was a conversation between him and an ex, her asking if he was staying warm or if he needed "that 100% live human skin blanket" and so on. Although he did not make such intimate remarks back, he certainly did not reprimand her for the inappropriately intimate talk or remind her of my presence in his life. He somewhat entertained or even encouraged it. Telling her he appreciated that he crosses her mind still. After seeing this, I went on to other emails. Another one between his most recent ex and him, where sexual references are made even if in a joking matter. (Her discussing the dimensions of a digital frame she just bought and how she would play around with it to figure it out, him saying "you know where my mind went with that" etc). That one did it for me. Because to me, he initated the sexual tone of that conversation.
I tried to keep this to myself so I would have time to reflect and think about it rather than reacting on emotions ( something I tend to do) but he ended up saying something to me the next morning that sparked an argument and it all came out. I stormed off to my car to leave and he followed me out to talk. We talked for hours, mostly me crying and telling him I felt disrespected, lied to, etc etc and he seemed very remorseful. I explained to him that he did not need to be physically intimate with any of these girls to cross the line. He sees it more or less as him making jokes or "talking a fool" rather than talking intimately, I explained otherwise.
I decided after a week of thought that I felt strongly enough about the relationship to try and work past this, and on his part he has made some efforts and trying to reassure me that my role in his life is important to him. But just because I made that decision does not take away the feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime I think about the way he spoke with them or make me any less suspicious that he still entertains these types of convos. I dont want to make this more than what it may actually be, but of course it is hard to see any other perspective.
Please help me :(
hello,
me and my boyfriend has been together almost ten years. i cheated on him twice after we first got together. he knows all about that. well the other night we was talking and he asked me whose name was on my sons birth certificate. he has asked me several times over the years but i would just say it doesn't have a fathers name. now he knows the truth. i said to him i wanted my kids to have the same last name. now he is really distant from me. we never talk anymore,he never says i love you, he never hugs me,and he doesn't want me touching him. i know that i was wrong and i should have said something but i now i'm afraid of what's going to happen. i love him so very much. we have 2 kids together. he has given me a month to make things right again. how can i make up for 8 years of lieing? please help me.... thanks
Hi Ron,
I have been with my man for four years. We have been through some fabulous times and some bitter times. We have travelled together around the world and lived togther for sometime. He even moved to another country to be with me. What makes my relation confusing is that he gives me mixed signals. He showers me with love and affection and spend most of his time with me. We get along just fine but he has betrayed my trust several times. Till today he lies to me about little stuff. But he has improved greatly. It makes it so much harder to let go when he is so kind and attentive.
We have been to therapy but my feelings of hurt I believe are beyond repair. I am deeply in love with him and affraid to let go. I am also confused at the same time. I want to trust him but find it so hard to trust when he has broken the trust several times. Please HELP!
My husband and I have been together for 11 years & have 2 kids. Up until about 4 years ago I thought thing were doing fairly well. Until I got him cheating with a woman who was supposedly just a friend. He claims nothing ever happened other than going out with a group of people. I not to sure about it but I tried to let in go. Then about 2 years ago I find emails of a sexual nature basically saying another woman could have him anytime she wanted. Since I knew who this was. I put a stop to it before anything ever happened. He said it was all done in fun and was a game. The final straw was in Jan of 09. I notice he was getting alot of texts which he said was from a new guy at work. I had a feeling in my gut that it wasn't. A week or 2 later I read one of these texts which said "sorry babe I didn't know she was home" I confronted him he said it was from the guys wife they had invited him to the gym. He made me feel horrible because I had checked the email. 2 days after this I realize I know the number I was on my cell phone. I then proceeded to spy on him by checking his yahoo accnt and his myyearbook accnt. I found out more than I thought was going on. They had met on a day that he told mehe was going to check on a freind who had gotten laid off. I called him at work and I let him have it along with texting her about it. He comes back with the same excuse most people use I get attetion from this person. We talked through this but seeing how i was lied to I installed a keylogger on the computer. He deleted his yearbook accnt. about a week later. Yesterday I came across what seemed like the same thing happening again. I confronted him about this and told him about the keylogger. He explained the other half of the conversation and proceeded to have a huge fight with me. Now he says he has given up trying to make me happy. And has turned my trust issue with him to a trust issue with me spying on him. I think I was well within my right after being lied to my face and having stuff hidden from me. We both want to try to save the marriage but are not sure where to start. We still love each other But Im not sure if we like each other.
My husband always lies to me. In as much that I wanted to keep our relationship smooth. I can't for the reason that every time I found out all his lies and confronted him. He will attack me with his vicious words by becoming defensive. The more he reacts the more his lies were confirmed. I love him so much I will not let it go. Truth hurts but if he will learn to confide with trust slowly we are goind to learn. So its not too late yet to save the relationship
Hi Ron,
I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now. I thought our relationship was strong, but we always had different opinions on when to have children if/when we get married. I'm 29 and he's 35. He wants to start a family soon and I don't. Even with this difference we kept going with the relationship. However, this past weekend I was playing around with his iPhone and an email from a woman who I never heard him mention before showed up when I opened the internet browser. To make a long story short, I basically saw many emails from women that he has met online through online dating site that he obviously paid for to receive these emails.
I confronted him and he didn't deny it. He couldn't tell me why he did it. He said it was something fun and that he didn't have the intentions of going dates with these women or thoughts of breaking up with me. He thinks that it may be that he wanted the attention. he said he didn't do this after a fight or anything like that. He told me that he did have the chance to go on a date or talk to someone on the phone, but did not do it and stopped communications with the person. He said he felt that he was in control of it. I asked if he was trying to get a headstart with what's out there b/c he thought our relationship wasn't going to work b/c of the whole kids issue we have, but he said it wasn't that either.
I'm at a point, like others who have written you, to figure out if I want to stay with him or just let him go. Our conversations have been open and honest. We don't yell or fight while we talk about this. For some crazy reason, I feel like this doesn't define him and that he is a good person, but I'm scared that what if he does something like this again then I'm going to feel like a fool. I do hate him for what he has done b/c he broke my heart and disrespected our relationship when he decided to do this. Also, I'm nervous that I may hold a grudge against him or something and not really get over this. I know if we decide to reconcile we both have to work on this and that it will be tough.
Also, does it make me a weak woman to take him back? Do I not have self respect for myself? Why do I still want him back at times? In the past, I used to listen to my head a lot when it came to relationships, but with him I've been going with my heart whenever we had any hiccups in the relationship b/c I feel like there might be something here, but I guess, I don't want to be disappointed or I want to protect my heart so I don't get hurt again.
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. We met through a friend and while things were great for the first few months, the week after my birthday he dropped a bombshell on me. He told me that at the party in his house the night before, which I was at, one of his female friends who he was consoling (because she was upset for some reason) kissed him. He was very drunk at the time and pulled away straight away and told me the very next day. It took me a while but I forgave him.
However, the last few months we have been fighting non stop, over little things. And this girl came up in conversation, as she tried it on with my boyfriend again one night when we were out. I told her to back off, because she was being inappropriate and he told me he wanted to go on a break!! We were apart for a week before he realised he was in the wrong, he apologised, we talked things through and we made up.
We fought again recently at the last party they had in his house, where admittedly everyone was very drunk and emotions and tensions were high. We talked things through in the morning and I thought everything was fine.
We haven't seen each other much in the last few weeks because we're very busy with college and his phone is broken so it's difficult to know where we stand. But I went over to his last weekend to watch a film with him, thought everything was fine with him. Then we went upstairs and he told me that he was annoyed with me. Apparently at the last party I told one of his friends something which my boyfriend had confided in me. I have no idea what I apparently said or who I said it to and he won't tell me because he says he believes his friend was telling the truth. He says he can't trust me again and that in future he's not going to be so open with me. I don't know what to do, he says he forgives me because I honestly don't remember saying anything, but I'm scared he'll never be able to trust me again.
Do you think I'll be able to win his trust back again? I forgave him after that girl kissed him, and I trust him never to let himself get in a situation like that again. Am I deluding myself into thinking he really has forgiven me? I don't know when I'm next going to see him. The only reason I got through to him last week was through texting one of his housemates, he doesn't seem to be making much effort since his phone broke. I love him so very much and really don't want to lose him.
okay so this may be a little weird but i am 17 and i was currently with a senior that i truely love. we had been dating for 6 1/2 months till this little problem came up.
so the last couple weeks he has been different, so you know i ask him what is going on with you he tells me that he is failing most of his classes and his mom told him its either break up with her or be grounded for the rest of the year (she blammed it on me for him failing) and so he told me, but he had to make it a bigger story then what he could of made it to just tell me. And i say okay you need space i will give you space.
yesterday i was going thro his phone because he was playing war ball in the gym with the late start. We were suppose to go off campus and go walk in the park and talk about things because he just hasnt been the same he hunts, he is so happy, and always willing to take me anywhere he wants to go. So i was going through his phone and went through texts and he had two girls calling him babe and i love you. and its from a girl that has been "in love" with him for a while. Then i went through his pictures to find the same girl with just her bra on that saved in his phone. Of course i was pissed so i deleted it from his phone. The problem is me, he asked if i had did the deleting of the photo and i was the stupid one that was acting stupid and didnt know what he was talking about.
So in return he gets mad, i know but i later confess that yes i deleted that ONE pic, and he accuses me of deleting more and i didnt. But he broke it off and i need to know how to gain his trust back i feel bad and i know what i did wrong. He was thinking about going into engagement, but now i am scared that i am loosing him. I know what i did wrong and were supposibly going to talk tomorrow on the bus idk what to say to him.
Please help i need it desperatly. I am in love with him and i know he is in love with me to.
Oh a question. He tells me last night when breaking up, i had his sweatshirt and he wanted it back. So i bring it with me to school, i get there and see him. I am having a good time laughing with my friend and i set it on the table for him to grab. He grabs it and i go sit down with my friend and our doughnuts for breakfast, and were laughing and i see him pull out his phone, i get out my phone and he to see he texted me i read it and it says "you know i will still talk to you babe, i just dont know why you had to lie to me" and as the day went on, he was just upset and all that and he gave me back the sweatshirt and said keep it for awhile, because i didnt bring your spray (perfume that he has of mine that was going to be swapped) and he said "i might never remember to bring it with me"
What does this mean in a mans point of view? is he feeling guilty of what he has done to our relationship, is he thinking bout giving me another chance i need to know i am lost :(
Thanks for your help :)
~Jess
Hi Ron:
My husband and i have been married for 20 years and are together for 23. The first half were the happiest years of my life. We were, I thought, soul mates. We had passion and a deep and abiding love, the kind you only read about. Sure we had problems, like money issues, and some health problems, but I felt that as long as the problems were external in nature, we could handle them.Never would I have believed that what i am about to relay would EVER happen to us.
When we moved cross country eight years ago everything changed. We had been separated for 2 1/2 years because he was trying to build business in in a new location while i continued running his business in back home and tried to sell an old farm house, almost an unsellable property and take care of our little daughter and then sell the business. All of this took far longer than we had anticipated. Shortly after I joined him I found out about an affair he had had while we were separated. That was hard to take, but I could forgive because I knew he had been lonely as i had been. He told me that it was over the minute I arrived and that it had been born out of loneliness. In any case, we had a very rocky start. There was a time he told me that he was no longer attracted to me, which crushed me, but we got through it. For the first year he barely looked at me, but I thought it was due to his depression. Recently, however, I found out that he had continued the affair for about a year and a half after I had arrived, which answered a lot of questions. I can't get out of my mind that he was having sex with her while I was at home tending to our daughter and then he came home and wanted sex with me too. All the while I trusted him implicitly. I feel so deceived, I feel like such an idiot. Supposedly they stopped the physical relationship at that point, but carried on a "friendship" secretly for all of these years, only speaking on cell phones during times when I wasn't around to hear. I found out about all of this when I stumpled upon a Christmas card from her in my husband's glove compartment in January of 09. I knew they had seen oneanother and I confronted him. He first wanted to lie again, but I wasn't buying it. I am angry evenso he cut the ties with her upon my insistance. The actual affair may have happened years ago, but for me the wound is open and gaping. For me it is as if it happened just yesterday. Also, the fact that he could keep the "friendship" a secret from me for so long begs the question, what else has he kept from me? I've become angry, suspicious, resentful and untrusting, I am having a very difficult time forgiving and I hate it.
For about 6 years he has also tried to persuade me to join him in a swingers life style. He feels that as long as sex is merely recreational it is ok. He claims that he will never "love" anyone else and that I should never fear him leaving me. He feels that having sex with different partners is merely satisfying a man's natural tendency to mate with many women and that he should have the freedom to enjoy himself in that fashion from time to time. Since these clubs are meant mainly for couples, he really would enjoy it more if I came along and participated, but I find them repulsive, not to mention dangerous. He does not share in my beliefs, surprise, surprise.He has taken the attitude that if you won't I will find someone who will and searched on the net to do so. That evidently failed, much to his dismay. When I gave him a choice, either me or swinging, he hesitated for a long time and told me that i was giving him a Sophie's Choice. In the end, he supposedly chose me, but very reluctantly. We've been to counseling. It seemed to help for a while, but I had lost my sexual feelings for him, which made the whole situation even worse. I believe that he attends these sex clubs when I am away which isn't often, but still. At one point last year we came to agree to an open marriage arrangement where he could go to these places and i would be free to date. He did and i did. I also had an affair and I cannot say that I regret it. It tought me that i am still attractive to men and that i can still feel something sexual. When my husband noticed that my experience hadn't been totally physical in nature, that there were actual feeling between the two us and that he might be losing me, he became concerned and begged and pleaded with me to end it and that he would also end his trips to the sex clubs. We tried to make a new start at that point, which was last November. To my knowledge he has kept his promise and I know i did as well, but we have had talks about the subject and he claims that he will never feel totally happy and fulfilled with just me. He claims that no matter how much we have sex and no matter how good it is, in his mind he will always have fantasies about being a part of that lifestyle. There have been so many lies and so much deceit, my trust is totally destroyed. I don't know if it even can be revived at this point. I feel so beaten down from 8 years worth of emotional torture taht I am not sure that I want to go on even though he has said that he would not go to these clubs any longer and that he will be totally honest and transparent from here on in. If it weren't for this issue we could be blissfully happy because we get along in every other aspect of our lives. Is it selfish of me to want my man to be desirous of only me? I feel that I am standing in his way of true happiness, although he claims that he would be lost without me. He seems to want a homelife and a loving and supportive and giving wife, but he wants his sex clubs too. To me that is absolutely unexceptable. I fear that the past will just keep repeating itself and yet underneath it all I know I still feel love. I keep asking the same questions, hoping for a different response, but it is always the same. Is this a hopeless cause?
Please help,
Rachel
hey ron.
ok basically i have been dumped, yes it's all my fault but i need this girl back she is my life, basically i told my then girlfriend that i would stop smoking but she caught me smokin i know i brought it on myself but she says when i'm out she feels like i will be smoking again and can't tust me so dumped me. i need some way to repair the damage. please help.
Thanx. Adam
Ron: I would appreciate a response to my delimma. I will be waiting amd will be very interested in wht you feel should happen.
Rachel ...
Ron,
I've been having this problem lately. My girlfriend and I have been together for about seven months. I've always been suspicious of her....I honestly do not know why. I've had a fair amount of bad relationships in my life, so I guess I figured this relationship would go the way of the others. She works alot, and still lives with her parents, making it nearly impossible for there to be any alone time. Problems started about a month and a half ago when we stopped having sex. She says she simply doesn't want to do it...but she has no reasons besides that. This made me suspicious of her hooking up with her ex, whom I admittedly stole her from, because I saw how unhappy she was with him. So I did the normal guy thing, as it seems from this page, and did research on my own, trying to figure out where she was. Finally one day I got a text from a friend showing that she was going over to the ex's house for the night. I called her immediately afterwards and told her what I had seen. She told me that all the stress I had been causing from asking why she didn't want to have sex caused her to want to have a night away. Now granted I know I did something wrong....being raised I was always told that you could have sex with someone you love, and being a very sexual person myself, I was laying in wait for that opportunity to arise. However now that I know i'm in love, i'm extremely frustrated that I can't have all those experiences I had dreamed of since puberty. So as you can see, this became a large rift between the two of us. Back to the story, I called her on the carpet about spending the night at this guys house. She said that our problem in our relationship was my inability to trust her. So I took her word for it, as it seemed as close of a possibility as any. So i asked her brother why she was home so often, and he told me that they never get to see each other so they want each other around. This is the opposite of my family life, as we do love each other, but we want as much time APART as possible. She proceeded to get mad at me for asking that of her brother. This being said she has made it perfectly clear that she does not want to leave me and she continues to give me chances. I'm past the issue of trusting her...as it is building, slowly but surely. My problem is with the initial cause of this. Why would she want to stop? I know that i'm good enough. I think i'm attractive enough. This is the only unanswered question, to me, in our entire relationship. What could it be?
I have spent a good deal of time reading the articles here about trust issues and have have a drama of my own that I would like some advice on if possible.
My wife and I have been married about 4 years, over the past few months we have been having issues since she discovered some emails that i had sent with my neighbor while she was out of town and we had a few too many. Since then we have had some issues in our relationship.
A few weeks ago we got into an argument, she hit me, called the police and was arrested for Domestic Violence - Assault. Since then she has been living with her friend and we have talked a bit. She is not allowed to come home until her court date later this week once the court issued restaining order is lifted. We have had some conversations while she was gone, and we had one for 3 hours where I came clean on the emails. She had said just moments before "look, i'm ready to forgive you if you sent them, but i want to know the truth".
We'll, we have seen a councler and are starting to repair our marraige, however the court case is weighing heavy on our minds, so we need to get past that so we can begin to heal fully.
She admitted to me that she was looking for apartments "because she needs somewhere to live". While i am unsure of her real intentions here, I get the feeling that she is honest and want space so we can work out our issues and get our lives back together.
I have also seen some emails to/from friends of her's that have said
(friend) "Hey it's not progressing in the right direction, sorry"
Her response was: "it actually is, talk to you sometime later".
We'll all that said, what are your thoughts ?
Dear Rachel,
You have a very difficult situation and I can tell you still love him and would like just this aspect of your relationship to change. But unfortunately, in my experience, things like that don't change. The change can only come from deep inside him.
And it sounds like his sexual needs have been out of control for at least the past eight years. It doesn't sound like he can or even wants to change.
It also sounds like the affair you had was a good thing for you and kinda helped you find yourself again sexually and as a woman. That aspect of you should not be ignored. And frankly, it really can't. If he doesn't make you feel desirable, you should not be forced to live the rest of your life feeling like that.
From the outside, it seems very obvious to me that you are not happy and things have not improved very drastically over the past years. And I think anyone would tell you that you need to be happy in your life and the longer you stay there, you are just delaying how happy you could really be.
And most importantly, you are not being selfish for wanting him to only want you. That is what most men and women want from their partners and you deserve to have what you want.
I don't know if you have tried therapy with him, but if he is willing to go I would try that. Maybe if he can see things from your point of view told to him by an outside source, he would want more for you. But again, it has to be inside him to want to change.
I wish you the best of luck.
Ron:
Thank you for your frank reply. We have utilized the assistance of a sex therapist/phsychologist in the past. It seemed to have helped for a time. You are right, an uninvolved third party can sometimes bring points across to your partner far better than you can and sometimes light bulbs will go off and maybe we will try therapy again if my husband is willing. But you are also correct when you say that your partner must want to change on his/her own from deep inside. I don't perceive this to be the case with my husband. I feel he has agreed to change in order not to lose me and everything we've worked for all of these years, but not because he really wants to change on his own. I feel that if I hadn't found out about all of this, it would continue to occur behind my back until the day I die and this is unbelievably painful. We must work on restoring trust, but I don't believe that our lives will ever be as they once were. We can never go back and i will either have to live with that fact or make a major change.
Again, thank you for your help.
Rachel
Dear Rob S,
It seems to me that this is a very stressful situation. You guys both did things wrong. Now I don't know what your emails said to this neighbor of yours but really it doesn't matter because it should never resort to violence. If you forgive her and want to move forward in the marriage, you both have to stop sneaking. Her reading your emails and vise versa. But before that even, you guys have to earn each others trust back. Therapy, honesty and time.
The fact that she wants to find another place can really only be a good thing. You guys obviously need a drastic change in your marriage. Now it might come in the form of time apart and realizing it's for the better or you guys wanting to be together and both be willing to work hard at that. Either way, I believe it will be an improvement over your current situation.
Rachael,
Thank you for your response to my posting. I do agree with you that this situation is highly stressful and very dynamic right now. One minute were talking peacefully making progress next minute someone is hanging up on the other person. Obviously right now one thing that is hanging over our heads is the charges of Domestic Violence Assault, which in this state is always prosecuted. I have pleased with the Prosecuting Attorney to get the case dropped, and i pleaded for 45 minutes. After the 45 minutes they agreed to evaluate my testimony and the case as a whole, they indicated that thier was a 1-2% chance they would drop the charges fully. This will help us toward healing!
We had our first session with a councler 2 weeks ago. The first session was difficult because the case was weighing heavily on her mind and she didn't want to discuss it, which didn't really help too much. We did make some small progress none the less, she came out with some things that she was unhappy with and i am working to correct those issues. Our second session the other day was better, it was the day after the hearing, and she simply opened up more. Our session should have been 1 hour, but because we were talking and working things out it ended up almost 2 hours! That's a step in the right direction i guess. While we discussed some things of what we did last week, we also opened up some new doors, on how I can re establish trust with her, and what some of her feeling are of issues that i need to address, as well as what issues i feel she needs to address. Unfortunatly it was more 1 sided against me, and i didn't really get to say too much, i suspect it was because the case is still pending and healing cannot really begin until the case is over.
Now all that said, she finially admitted to me that she is going to get an apartment so that we both have seperate spaces and can work on our relationship. Once she actually said this to me, it was OK because i had heard it before. I know she has not signed yet and I think she is having issues coming up with the money for it to be honest, i guess that's one reason she is trying to squeeze me for $1k+. We'll back on topic, when she said that to me I responded back to her with "we'll i do understand your postion, however you have never heard what i have to say about you with your own apartment." She said "we'll what is it then?". I responded with "Like i said, I understand, however I feel that by you getting your own apartment this is a massive slap in my face, and a slap in the face of our commitment to each other." Her response was "I know it hurts both of us, but we need to do this to heal."
We'll all that wonderful stuff up top being duely noted, what are some other things that you can think of that would help me re establish the trust with my wife, besides things that she says need to be addressed?
Thanks in advance,
Rob