Repairing broken trust in a relationship can be very difficult. Many times the reason for the broken trust stems from infidelity or broken promises and these violations within a relationship can virtually destroy it. If you and your partner are committed to working through it though, you will find that your relationship can become stronger than ever.
Before any trust can be rebuilt you must address how and/or why it was broken in the first place. This is the time for brutal honesty. A complete confessional of how the trust was broken should only be done when you are both ready to hear it. Heartfelt apologies should be offered with indications of remorse and promises to not violate the trust again.
There is a massive amount of stress on your relationship once the trust has been broken. Reconciliation can happen first. This happens when both you and your partner make an agreement to work on the issues and rebuild the trust and the relationship. Reconciliation usually has to happen before forgiveness. It also indicates that you are invested in salvaging the relationship and not giving up on it. In many cases it will be up to the person that violated the trust to initiate reconciliation.
The most difficult task is then to forgive. It is never easy to forgive, but if you continue to hold on you will constantly live in a state of rage or anger. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you excuse abusive behavior. It does mean that you are able to work towards letting go of the past. Relationship experts suggest starting with forgiving your partner for their weakness. Your partner also needs to be ready to be forgiven and accept the consequences of their actions.
Sit down with your partner and reevaluate your goals. Remind each other what your priorities are and what unifies your life together. Sometimes a vocal or written commitment to the relationship is a good place to start. Try to avoid setting up conditions of forgiveness.
Getting outside help is strongly recommended. Make an appointment for the two of you to sit down with a relationship counselor. This should be a safe environment for both of you to be honest about how the trust has been damaged or lost. These counselors will have steps for you to go through that will help repair any damage, or in the worst cases, help you to safely walk away from each other.
I know I'm not the official sort of advice giver, but Jess, if you're still coming back to check on this...I couldn't help but respond.
Honey, take this from a college girl who has been through enough since being 17 to know better but is still not so far into adulthood that she can't remember what it was like.
From what little I've read about this relationship you have - I am going to be candid with you:
- You should not have gone through his phone. I understand how it feels to need to. I've done it myself, but I am not proud of having done it and it was/is still wrong.
- This boy does not seem to be ready to be in a real relationship.
- Even though you made a mistake, you are the one who now deserves the apology. Even if he is not seeing these other girls and is only talking to them, he has not been totally honest with or faithful to you.
- I do believe in love in high school being real. I just think that it should be handled more carefully and put into perspective. I believe you when you tell me that you love this guy: from what you say it seems that you truly care. However, I don't want you to rule out the possibility of ever feeling this way again about anyone else in your life.
- I think he does care about you: I just think he is too immature and selfish to be the boyfriend you want and need right now. He does not treat you the way he should treat a girlfriend he says he loves. You deserve respect and honesty from a boy or man who claims he loves you. He is showing you neither and does not seem that he wants to change. This is not good.
- Hiding any sort of relationship with any other girl(s) from you is immature, mean, and unfair. No matter how you found out, this is the bottom line and you need to remember this.
- In all likelihood, he does not know what he wants. This makes him a bad boyfriend for you to have. Even though it might be hard for you, much easier said than done, I believe you should call it off with him indefinitely. Apologize for looking through his phone. But also let him know what he has done wrong and why you cannot be in a relationship with him. If he can ever prove to you that he is mature enough to treat you as you deserve then you should consider him again.
However, do not put your life on hold for him. Stay open minded: there is a chance you might find someone else who you grow to care about just as much.
I have been in a relationship with this guy for almost 3 years, we have a 16 month old together. We do not live together, but at one time we did. Here's the thing I have been abstinant from abusing drugs and alcohol for nearly 5 years now and when we got together we had about the same amount of time abstinant, I got pregnant and he moved in a couple of months before I had the baby. After he moved in I started getting suspicious about some of his behaviors (I thought he was using drugs again) and I confronted him numerous times and he always denied it. So finally after the baby was about 6 months old he finally came clean that he had been using drugs and he had been doing it for a while. I am still so angry about this I feel so violated and betrayed. He moved out went through treatment and claims he is still abstinant, but I don't know. We continue to see each other usually a few times a week and I just can't seem to get over it. I do not trust him, and I don't know if I can.
Dear Hollie,
I have some personal experience in this area. I too had a child with a drug addict who was quit at the time I became pregnant and had the child. He too started using and it has been a long battle ever since. The bottom line is you can never know where the other person is; either really wanting to quit and stay quit for themselves or just stopping because they don't want to lose something in their life. Unfortunately, if they aren't doing it for themselves, it will never stick.
If you want to try to trust him, then try. But he did keep it from you and he might again. The only way you can really trust in him again is time. But I know from personal experience, that trust is very hard to get back. You either have to come to terms that this is always going to be an issue or at the very least be in the back of your head. Or you can try to walk away. I know you guys have a kid together, so you can never fully walk away, but at least somewhat emotionally.
I have had very similar issues and if you need any more advice or want to know exactly the type of things I did, don't hesitate to write back. I wish you luck.
Dear Ron,
You may consider me to be young for this, but I have dug myself a very deep hole in my relationship. She and I are both 14 years old and yes, sexually active. We've only been together 2 months and we've grown very strongly attached to each other. Or so I thought. Last weekend she left with her sister across the country to stay with her father (parents are divorced). The day after she left, I heard an incredible amount of things she had pulled before she left. 1) She planned on having sex with 2 of my close friends. 2) She kissed my best friend and 3) She planned on cheating on me while she's on her trip. I called her after I found out everything and she confessed to everything. She started sobbing and swore she'd do anything to keep our relationship together and I asked only that she be honest with me from now on. Since then she's been nothing but apology. She wants me to try to forget it and to convince myself nothing like it will happen again. I want to believe her, I really do, but I just don't know how I can do that... When she was ten she was raped by her brother and cousin every day for nearly a month before anyone found out. Do you think this would create a want for sexual attention? Also, do you think we can work things out between us after what she has done?
Dear Jaymz:
I am not a psychiatrist, but I have lived for 52 years. I have broken hearts and have had my heart broken too. I may not be an expert, but i can tell you that you are right, you are too young for a sexual relationship in today's world. Heck, there are even laws against it. Mother nature wants procreation to occur and has given us all very powerful hormones to promote this to happen, but mother nature isn't considering our modern life, the difficulties that come with it, or the maturity it takes in order to deal with its consequences. The hormones that come with sex bond males and females for a time and that is what you are feeling, but this is the time in your life you should be consentrating on yourself, who you want to be and how to best get there. Also, in order to know with whom you would be best matched for a long term relationship it is imparative that you first know yourself very, very well, which takes time. As to your girlfriend, I think that this poor girl is very confused as anyone would be who has had the kind of brutal experience she has had. I think that she may need some long term professional help before she will ever be ready for a healthy man/woman relationship. If I were you, I would soul search to find what it is that i want to do in life. Find your passion and focus on it not any romance at this point. It can only lead to heartbreak. Hope that helps.
Ron,
I've been reading through these posts and crazy enough a little piece of all of them is mixed into my equation. My boyfriend and I have been off and on for over two years, its easy to say he's the love of my life. We met when I was 4 months pregnant and he so gratiously took my son and I, and has raised him as his own. Lately we've been having a ton of trust issues, mainly my fault and I admit to that everday. The first half of our relationship was amazing, we were inseperable with no problems whatsoever. After I had my/our son things started changing, he started wanting to go out more and I rarely ever saw him, we decided he should move out which he did. Two weeks after he had moved back into his own place he decided we shouldn't be together. I never got a straight reason but found myself looking through his emails one day, I had noticed him talking to another girl for a while towards the end of our relationship and soon learned that was his new girlfriend. He isn't the cheating type, and I never questioned that. So for the 6 months following our first break up he went back and fourth between her and I; as did I with my ex.
We finally decided it was time to try again, me being unsure openly told him that at the beginning of our second time around. I had my guard up and of course had my trust issues. I will admit I did somethings i'm not proud of, I was still talking to my ex at the time, my current boyfriend found out and told me to stop talking to him which I did. I told him I would change and that we could make this work. Everything was absolutely great we were planning a wedding and our future, everything went from his/my future to OUR future.
And then the fighting started again, we constantly got into arguments mainly about him bringing up the past, blaiming me and putting me on a guilt trip everyday. It got to the point that I felt emotionally abuised and I could feel myself sink lower and lower everday, I started to fight back I started bringing up the first time he left. So it was a constant bicker back and fourth for a good month or so. We finally decided we need to stop this and planned a trip for two to the coast; just some time we could get back to just him and I. Everything was great when we got back until I started noticing funny things about him, he would constantly take the computer into his office and lock the door stay in there for an hour or two and then come out. He kept leaving the house for long periods of time. So me being of course a girl had to do my research. I logged onto his email and noticed him talking to one of his ex's who he claimed was just an old friend of his...clearly not just a friend. He had had an emotional relationship going on with this girl (and yes i'll call her a girl she's 6 years younger than me and 8 younger than him) I confronted him about it and repeadly told him how sorry I was because I felt it was my fault that he was doing this, it was me that started the fights it was my fault that he had to go reach out to another girl. Of course he did blame me for it, but after a few days he manned up and admitted it wasn't my fault but his. Its been a month since then and he hasnt talked to her once we've stopped fighting but i'm still not okay with him talking to other girls even if they are just his friends. I still have major trust issues. I just dont know what to do. My friends and family say we need to either fix it or just get out, because I can't continue throwing a fit (not literally but crying, or begging him to stay home) when he decides its guys night and he needs a night out.
Please help with whatever you can. I'm lost and I want to be happy again.
Sincerely,
Brittani.
Ron,
I have been married to my husband for six months. This is my second marriage and his first. When we got together he had a close female friend and told me about her. Excessively. This bothered me but I figured he said they were only platonic friends and I should meet her since we were becoming serious. It took months to meet her and when I told him that it bothered me that he talked about her constantly and hung out with her every moment we weren't together he was really defensive. In the two years we have been dating and now married I have only seen this girl four times and that includes the wedding. At the wedding she told everyone that he asked her out first. I was upset but my husband refused to say anything to her. He told me he was going to visit his grandparents and later I found out he spent all day with her instead. I got a really bad feeling since we were not settling into marriage very well and snooped through his phone. I found text messages from her telling him to move out and that she had a friend for him to live with. A female yoga instructor that lived next door to her. I confronted him with this and he just yelled at me and told me that I was trying to controll him. I have snooped since and each time she has sent him messages about sneaking out to meet her. I don't know if he has but now I always expect him to be lying to me about where he's going and who he's really with. I don't know what to do. He says that I broke his trust by looking through his stuff and he will not give up his friendship since he was friends with her before he met me. I never asked him to give up his friendship but I did say to him that as a married man spending time alone with a single woman isn't appropriate. I also asked to get to know her and be included in some of their outings. I tried contacting her but she refuses to speak to me or respond to my requests. Please help. I love him but I can't take a back seat to another woman in my marriage.
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth:
It appears to me that you would not be snooping if you weren't suspecting foul play. Women have a keen sense about these issues and it is correct to follow your God given gut feelings, your instincts. They usually don't steer you wrong. Besides, your husband already lied to you regarding this girlfriend and where there is smoke there usually is fire.
In order for a marriage to work, there has got to be total transparancy on both sides. To be fair, you should never ask of him what you yourself would not give.
From the way you describe the situation it appears that the girlfriend is up to no good and that she feels in competition with you. She may, in fact, be trying to break up your marriage. She also seems to have a certain hold over your husband or at least quite a bit of influence, which would make me suspicious as to how platonic this "friendship" really is.
You must nip this in the bud before it goes out of control and all may be lost. Trust me, it can easily slide down a slippery slope to no return. You must somehow make your husband understand that this woman is an interloper and that he is now a married man and has chosen YOU to be his life's partner, not her, therefore his first and foremost allience and commitment needs to be with you. This may not be an easy task and may require an uninvolved third party like a good marriage counselor or even a dear friend, preferably one of his, who can talk to him in a way in which he would understand. As you probably know, men and women communicate very differently. Lay all of your cards on the table, be totally honest with him about your feelings and SET YOUR BOUNDARIES. If you don't set your boundaries now, you will set a precidence for the future that you will tollerate anything. Love and Trust are very closely linked. If trust is irreperably damaged then you both will be in for a lot of heartache and it will ultimately lead to the culmination of your marriage. This is not the way to start out your honeymoon period.
The second step is to then have him, not you, bring this home to the girlfriend. Personally, I would not allow this "friendship" or whatever it is to continue at all because it appears that she would never be friendship material for you, however, if you decide to let it be, then she should now not just be his friend, but a family friend, which means that you should be included in each and every meeting, no exceptions.
Elizabeth, I am not a counselor, and other than life's experience I am not certified, so take whatever i have said with a grain of salt, but I hope that I have been able to help at least a little.
Rachel
Dear Ron,
I am in desperate need of help.
I met my boyfriend over a year ago and we knew immediately th at we had each found that "person" for us. I was attending college about 2 hours away at the time. I have had an extremely rocky relationship with my mother for years and I was at wits end in the early fall. I ended up leaving school and moving in with my boyfriend. Needless to say my mother was unhappy and didn't understand my decision and plays little to no role in my life now. After living together for about 5 months we decided to get engaged with the plan for a long engagement (about 2 years) We recently moved into a new apartment and a friend moved in with us for the summer. I had been feeling a lot of resentment because my fiance and friends were going out every night and my job starts pretty early in the morning so often times I could not spend time with him. I have been feeling angry and unappreciated but we talked about things and were on the road to making changes and getting our relationship back to where it should be. THis is where the problem came about.
I was at our apartment pool with a friend drinking beer throughout the day. When my friend left I decided to meet new people and hang out with a group of people in the pool. I at that time did not realize how drunk I was and when everyone else left, I continued to talk to this one guy. We talked about all sorts of random things...including my engagement, how hard it is to live with a roommate, and how difficult relationships can be. I made the mistake of letting things go way too far with this random guy and he ended up putting his arms around my waist and i did not push him away. It's almost like I was in a daze. That's when my fiance walked in and saw it happening. Since then he has been out with friends, angry and not dealing with this at all. We have had many talks about all of this and he says he just can't get all of this through his head. He cannot emotionally deal with this at all and I am basically sitting here waiting for him to tell me to move out. He is going to see his therapist in two days but i'm afraid he is not even considering working this out. Obviously I 100% agree my actions were wrong and I broke his trust and hurt him but I am willing to do anything to make this work because I know in my heart there is no other person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He has also told me since this happened that he loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me, he just doesn't know if he can deal with this mentally and emotionally now or in the future. (he has had a history of girlfriends cheating on him) This happened 5 days ago and nothing has changed no matter how much we talk about it. I just don't know what to do. I know I would have to earn his trust back but he said he doesn't even know how to do that. Do you have an outsiders opinion or advice for this situation. I'm sorry this is so long I just figured the more information you know, the better you can help.
I also must add that for me this waiting period is especially hard because I am completely financially dependant upon him and I have no where to go if he decides he can't deal with this. Not that this is especially important but it is something that is affecting me
Hi Taylor:
Young Love can be so beautiful and so hurtful all at the same time. Trust is very fragile and is closely connected to Love. Once trust has been broken, unless the commitment is very strong and both parties really want to work on it, everything else tumbles down too usually after a suffcient amount of hurt has been incurred.
You did a silly thing by getting drunk, hence making yourself vulnerable to someone elses advances. You most probably didn't intend to hurt your boyfriend, but you put yourself in a situation where there was the possibility of that happening and it did. I think that what you were really looking for is attention. You say that you had communicated your feelings of loneliness with your boyfriend and have been working them out. Were they not being worked out to your satisfaction or quickly enough? Why do you think that the pool incident was necessary? These are questions you should ask yourself in order to explore your own feelings and why you do the things you do. Your boyfriend evidently has had his heart broken a number of times already and is now gun-shy, which is very understandable. If you both really want to patch things up, it will take real commitment on your part to show him you mean business by expressing your deepest regret for what has happened, tell him sincerely that it will never happen again and then show him in everything you say and do from now on that you are serious. It will take a lot longer than 5 days, but it can be done if he is willing to forgive. The problem with these things is, although your partner may forgive you he will never forget. "Don't do to others what you don't want done onto you". I am not religious, but that is a good motto to live by. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and you cought him with another girl? Try to put yourself in the other persons shoes to understand how they might feel. That will give you a benchmark as to how you talk to people and your actions around others.
Regarding your mother, go to her and work things out. She is not your enemy, but the one who will be there long after your boyfriends have come and gone. Mother/daughter relationships are complex. There have been many books written about the subject. I suggest you read some of them. You will probably find that your feelings toward your mother are not unique. Trust me, you will value that relationship more and more as you get older and as your relationship with your mother improves, you will feel stronger for it.
Hope that helps,
Rachel
Ron:
I would really like to speak with you. Please email me.
Rachel
hi there,
i have not cheated on my partner but trust is very important to both of us and today i lied to him and he fount out, he has now said that he will never b able to trust me again, im just wondering what i can do to help regain this trust. This is the first time i lied to him and definatly the last, i didnt mean to do it i was just scared and embarassed, it wasnt easy to lie to him and now im terrified of loosin him. please help
Dear Ron,
I have been with my wife for 12 years. We have twin four years old daughters. We have been married for 6 years. I'm 28 years old and she is 26.
She is my high school sweetheart. I'm so very much hurt, I hope you can help me.
When we started dating, after 2.5 years into our relationship, I found out she was having an affair with another boy for over 1.5 year. I was devastated, I broke off the relationship right away. But after two months of her constantly showing up to my work, school, everywhere crying. I decided to give her another chance. It took me 5 years to trust her again.
2 years ago, I got really suspicious about her friendship with a male friend of her. She would always keep her distance from me anytime the friend was around. I didn't think of it as much, but 1.5 year ago, after few occasions I told my wife I was feeling uncomfortable. Although she promised to cut off contact with him, I caught them on the phone. This time I got very emmotional and told her my trust will be broken If I catch her talking to him ever again. She promised, no more. Again 8 months ago, I saw her phone bill and multiple conversations taking place, calling each other back and forth.
All this time, she would call me crazy for being suspicious of her breaking her promise. Caught red handed, she only admitted to things I had proof of. My marriage was over, but before divorce, she cried her way into my father and mothers heart. My father put me in a tuff situation to except her back.
Now, only after 5months of being together, seems like she expects me to trust her again. She is going back to her old ways (nothing that she's doing wrong, just her lack of attention towards me). I feel like she will make history for the 3rd time.. I don't trust her... But for the sake of our twins, Ive been hanging on. I think about her and what she's doing every moment she's not with me.
Do you think I should move out, be seperated for a while and see how we feel in a few months??? I'm so lost, hurt, confused and in love... I don't think I'll ever meet another girl as perfect as her, except her lying/breaking the rules we setup....
(note: I haven't caught her meeting him in person, only on the phone, but who knows the answers of what she's not telling me. Questions remain unanswered, her only response is " coincidence")
I don't trust her at all. Everything she does makes me question her.
Hi Nikki:
Everybody lies...There are little white lies, such as telling someone their dress is flattering when it really isn't and then there are the big lies, which are far more serious, hurtful, distructive and deceiptful. You didn't mention what you lied about, but I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance.
Good luck,
Rachel
Hi Struc:
It appears that you have some severe trust issues that may best be resolved by seeing a good therapist, somone you can relate to and communicate with. Men are generally reluctant to do that, but sometimes it helps to have an uninvolved third party to listen with an objective ear. Also, your wife may not be aware of the depth of your feelings and the importance in getting this issue resolved in order to save this marriage. Men and women communicate differently and hence misunderstand eachother a lot, which leads to problems. A therapist can be a kind of translator to let each party understand the other more fully. You have two little girls who depend on both of you to be there for them in a harmoneous setting to let them grow and develop normally. You owe it to them to make this thing work.
I know, first hand, how painful it is when you feel you cannot trust your partner and am sympathetic to your situation. I have also recognized that all of our emotions are choices. We chose to love, hate, ignore, trust etc. or not. First, you need to feel that your wife is "trust worthy", which would require her to be completely above board with you and transparent with everything she sais and does. When you feel ready you can then make the "choice" to trust her again. Of course, you should feel confident that she will not break your strust again, which would require her understanding and sincerety. I am just someone who writes in because I feel the pain and want to help. Find a licensed therapist who can sit down with you face to face to figure this thing out.
Rachel
So, I didn't think I would do something like this, just because I try to keep my life a little private, but this is just something I needed to get off my chest. Hell, I'm not even looking for any sort of response, I just need to get this off my chest.
My girlfriend of 4 months and I are just perfect for each other. We both just came out of pretty rough relationships (mine lasted a year and the ex treated me like shit towards the end, hers was off and on for about 5 years and the ex cheated on her several times). Because of her ex, she had some trust issues with men, which I knew and understood coming into this. I figured, okay, I've got nothing to hide, she has no reason not to trust me, so I can easily gain her trust.
Well, because of my ex, I had been a little mistrustful of women, because I was afraid that I would screw up and all of that. I suspected that the ex had been cheating on me towards the end, but I had no strong evidence. Because of this, I had this HORRIBLE habit of trying to check my gf's texts, Facebook messages, etc. One of these times, I read some VERY concerning texts from some guy that she told me had hit on her when she was at this party while I was out of town. They concerned me, but I believed her when she said that NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. About a week or so later, after a night of her drinking, she finally came clean with me...her and this guy had been drinking, her to a certain point, and he made a move on her...and they kissed. She said that she stopped everything before it went too far, but I was more relieved than anything, because it was a GREAT relief off my mind, to know that nothing further had happened.
About a week or two after this incident, I checked her phone again (despite me telling her after the last time that I would never do it again) and, once again, saw some very concerning texts between her and this other guy that she had been friends with, but they had since grown apart. They were trying to work out their problem or whatever, which I was perfectly fine with. The texts, though, REALLY concerned me. Yeah, she said early on that she was with me and very happy, and would never do anything to hurt me, and the guy said that he assumed they wouldn't be able to hang out like they used to. She said they could, just nothing sexual in nature could happen, like it might have when she was single. The conversation went a little differently after that. She asked what he had in mind if she were single. He told her (not going to say), then at the end, he asked if she would like to see him all naked and sweaty, she said "mmm-hmmm." THAT was the part that hurt me the most. It was almost as if they go from "what if" to "definitely."
I didn't say anything, because I was so ashamed that I had even looked at it after I told her I wouldn't. Things got much better for us. I kept pushing any suspicious thoughts out of my head, though I made it ABUNDANTLY clear that I didn't trust the guy's intentions with her. She told me, over and over again, that we were fine, that I was the only one that she could possibly want, all of that. I believed her, but for some damn reason, those texts kept creeping into my thoughts. Finally, even after we had given each other promise rings and promised that we would get married one day, I confessed to her about reading the texts.
She admitted that, the reason she said those things to him, was because she had had doubts about us lasting, and she was still clinging to that single life she had grown used to. But, after that incident, NOTHING HAPPENED, that the words never turned into action. I believe her, but the thing that is killing me the most was her disappointment that I had broken her trust. That disappointment...I can't deal with that. I love her so much that it hurts so badly, knowing that I hurt my best friend like that.
I know that we'll be fine, because we both want to work this out, we both want to fix this and put it all behind us. I just don't know how to regain that lost trust that I worked so hard for in the beginning...
If nothing happened, I would treat it as such. If you both want this relationship to work out, then you both have to DECIDE to trust one another and be WORTHY of that trust.
My husband and I were happy; well that’s what I thought. We have a 3 year old adorable son. We are both in our early 30s. We are of different religion and had some problems which we eventually settled.
In January I notice that my husband and I were not connection, I questioned it but he always had an excuse for him being distant. The night before Valentine’s Day, he came home from work, went to the guest room and sat on the bed looking at his cell phone, we talked and argue as I question him about his behavior lately. After he slept, I look into his work bag and couldn’t believe what I saw. I found a card that read “Dear baby, happy valentine’s day, love Doll”.
I later found out him and this girl from work, started to have lunches which eventually turned into an emotional affair. He claimed that he doesn’t want her but yet when he is drunk he calls her. She threatens to call the cops on him but he still can’t get her out of him mind. I think it’s over between them (on her side) but he is still trying to talk to her. He claimed it started because we had problems about religion – I know it’s all an excuse but his family now takes his side.
I want to leave but I am torn - I want our son to have both parents, and have his family together and on the other hand I don’t want him because I feel he only wants me because of our son.
I need some advice. Last year my bf & I were going thru a roughspot. WE were facing an unplanned pregnancy & were having alot of fights. One time it got physical & I called the police. He took off to his ex-gf's& stayed the night. At 1st he tried ti hide it from me until I went thru his text msgs. He finnally fessed up that he stayed there but said nothing happened. He said he passed out on the couch after drinking quite a bit. then I get a call from her last night saying that he did cheat on me. I was so hurt, I didnt say anything & just hung up the phone. when I got home, I didnt wanna talk about it. I wanted to calm down & collect my thoughts but he got angry& it all came out the complete opposite way I wanted it to. he still says that nothing happened and I dont doubt him but I guess I'm angry that he hasnt told her to leave us alone & that he doesnt wanna talk to her. these are all the things that he tells me but needs to say to her. I know shes psychotic & she still holds on to hope that she will get back together with him & tries to text him when she knows I' m @ work. how do I deal with this? Please help.
Thanx,
I need some advice. Last year my bf & I were going thru a roughspot. WE were facing an unplanned pregnancy & were having alot of fights. One time it got physical & I called the police. He took off to his ex-gf's& stayed the night. At 1st he tried ti hide it from me until I went thru his text msgs. He finnally fessed up that he stayed there but said nothing happened. He said he passed out on the couch after drinking quite a bit. then I get a call from her last night saying that he did cheat on me. I was so hurt, I didnt say anything & just hung up the phone. when I got home, I didnt wanna talk about it. I wanted to calm down & collect my thoughts but he got angry& it all came out the complete opposite way I wanted it to. he still says that nothing happened and I dont doubt him but I guess I'm angry that he hasnt told her to leave us alone & that he doesnt wanna talk to her. these are all the things that he tells me but needs to say to her. I know shes psychotic & she still holds on to hope that she will get back together with him & tries to text him when she knows I' m @ work. how do I deal with this? Please help.
Thanx,
confused in arizona
Ron,
i need your advice. I have broken the trust of my wife. My wife (i just found out) has a lot of trust issue, which i was unaware of.
My wife recently approached me about online dating, asking if i had ever dated anybody online.
I knew my wife would have been extremely judgmental and hurtful if i had admitted to it. I am not embarrased but i did not want my wife to think less of me.
I said that i had signed up for a few free trials, but nothing happened, i never followed through on any people i met...i didnt know she had gone through my emails and had read a lot of my emails.
I have not and will never cheat. all of my onlin was before i met my wife. my wife has also never wanted to know about my relationships prior to her.
none the less, i denied dating anybody online, even though she knew i had.
My wife has lost her trust in me, and while i understand why shes upset. i dont know what i can do to make it right. she is angry (it happened about 2 dys ago) and doenst want to let it go or forgive me. she says that im going to lie to her when i cheat on her...which i would never do.
Im stuck and i dont know what to do. I did lie, and i understand why she's upset. What can i do to work on rebuilding the trust.
Hey Ron,
I am writing because I am concerned about my current relationship and the trust issues I am having. I have been with this man a little over a year, we are living together and are planning our wedding for 2010.I am a very lucky woman to have such a wonderful person in my life, we connect on so many levels it just seems unreal. We have had many long talks about making this relationship work ,no matter what, because this is what each of us want. Recently, I caught him up in a bit of a lie. (I'm sorry this is soo long) He told me he had to stay late after work to wait on his relief (which happens a lot, or he tells me it does) when he came home I could tell he was high, we spoke the subject of drugs and a little marijuana use doesn't bother me, I confronted him and he admitted that he went over to one of his friends (from work) house but his relief was late, he started making excuses why he didn't call me and I swear it killed me. I cannot grasp the reason why he would lie about such a thing. I wasn't mad or angry just let down, disappointed and I expressed this to him clearly.He apologized a hundred times over and it hurts him to know he hurt me so bad. Before I never worried about his actions or if he was telling the truth.Now it is difficult for me to believe anything he tells me. I mean, wow, am I just simply overreacting to this? Because writing it makes it seem so petty, he is a great man and I know he loves me, I don't want to lose him and I don't want to be the cause of such a beautiful thing to fail. I appreciate any advise..thank you..
Hi JB:
In my experience, people lie when they have something to hide and men lie a lot. Just be careful and know what you are getting yourself in to.
Rachel
hey, me and a guy i was dating for a while broke up because he had to go to camp shelby for 6 months, we agreed to pick up where we left off when he left, i promised i would wait, we write each other all the time, and he calls at least once every two weeks, he doeant get calls much, but he's up there with a bunch of guys, he has no temptations, im here at home with alot of them, well i kissed another guy, i mean we arnt together, but i felt like i should tell him everything, i dont have a problem being completely honest with him, i cant keep stuff from him. but i wrote him and told him, but before he got it i got a letter from him saying he doesnt know if he can do this anymore and that he's confused and has doubts and mixed feelings but he loves me, i dont exactly get that, but then i got another letter and it was like he never said any of that, i dont know. well he called me today and only had about 3 minutes to talk but he wasnt talkin much, i asked whats wrong, and he said i shouldnt have to ask, i told him i was assuming he got my letter, he said yea, but he didnt want to discuss any of it with me, he said he wrote me back to it and i'll have to wait til i get the letters. im scared im going to lose him, and that i;ve already lost his trust. i mean there are lots of worse things i could have done besides kiss another guy, but i mean i get that he's mad, but i told him he's got to remember that we arnt together, i mean the kiss was meaningless, i guess i was just feeling kinda lonely, but i did it once and swore and promised him i wouldnt do it again,
whats your perspective on this?
If this kiss was so meaningless, why did you do it and jeopardize a good thing? This was not only foolish, but selfish of you. You are merely breeding distrust with your actions. In the future, I would suggest sticking to your agreements.
Thanks for reading. I am in a relationship with a women who is 30, much younger (18yrs) than me. We have known each other for a year but have been dating for 8 months. She is currently abroad for a few months working. She recently took a 3 day trip to another country with a male friend she had met in our country through a friend of hers. He assited in paying for the airfare, she returned the favor by taking him out to dinner the first night. Following dinner and clubbin and many drinks, they returned to the hotel they were sharing. They were sleeping in seperate beds but upon returning she states he was agressive with her. He also stated he was hitting on her while they were out. We had been in contact during the first two months of her trip and no issues arose as we talked every other day. On this occassion, I did not hear from her for five days and felt something was up. upon her return to the country she is working in, I finally called. She stated she wants to come back home as her neice got her which led to her telling me she cheated on me. She states he started kissing and they did some fondling which led to him penertrating her with his fingers but she stopped at that point and no sex occured. She knew she was wrong and cried but stayed and finsished the trip. He reasoning for this transgression is during dinner he shared that she should move to his country and find a job. She has always wanted to live abroad and work for a few years so at that point of dinner she knew she is not fulfilling her dream. Some of her friends are and she is jealous. She also said the age gap issue came into her head and it was nice to be out with a man more her age, this is in her view more normal and she thought what the heck. So her justification and reasoning for this mistake is 1) she wants to travel and thinks she is not chasing her dream (she has one more year on her visa, 2) the age thing is difficult because her friend tell her she can do better and find some one more her age. After her numerous apologies to me saying she was wrong, she choose to get on a plane in 24 hours and leave because she felt she had to be with me and talk about what she. During that period, we exchnaged emails of the pain this has caused and she shared she needs to reconcile the age issue and will forgo her desire and dream to work aborad, the visa expires in a year. She said she loves me and wants to be with me, hopes I forgive her. My challenge is do I let her go or do I try to work on this. I feel gulity that she will squash her dream for me. I am the one who told her and pushed her to work aborad and experience life. I also shared with her that something can happen becuse she is in a new place with new people. She returns today and I am at a lost of what to do. I am not angry but I am deeply hurt yet still love her. I really really feel a desire to get the details of the incident, I want to know or I will always be wondering what happen but not sure how I will react. I am hoping I got the whole story about what she did--she has never lied before. I do not agree that her wanting live aborad and the age gap as good reasons to cheat. When she returns today, she will stay at my house as we need to talk this through. Not sure where to go with this or what to do. Any assitance would be greatly appreciated. Of conern are three issues, getting or not getting the details of the incident, the idea that her reasons justify the transgression, should we stay together or end the relationship so that she can pursue her dream and because of the age gap.
Hi Bill:
18 years is a huge age gap. Do you really have a lot in comon with this woman or is your love mainly due to hormones? This is an important question to answer since this often is one key determination of longevity in a relationship. Hormones can cloud a lot of the really important issues. Get counseling, perhaps something like a premarital counseling many churches offer. They will ask pertinent questions you may not have thought of and you will find out about each other's differences to see whether or not you are well matched.
It also appears to me that your girlfriend has a bit of an adventuours streak in her. That is a part of her personality and will not change over time. That is something you would have to live with. Do you share that trait? If not, you would have to live with other occasions where she will want to do something adventurous, maybe a bit dangerous. If you are not of that same ilk, I can see where that would create conflict. One could argue that cheating, affairs and illicit behavior could all be a part of adventure, excitement,even a little danger. Also, you say that your girlfriend has doubts about the age difference. If she has doubts now only after 8 months, what will she think after 10 years when you are nearing 60 and she is only 40? If it were me in your position, I would seriously reconsider this relationship.
Hi Ron,
Got an issue , if you could drop in a suggestion. I have broken the trust of a close one a close friend.For namesake its friendship , but i love her and its not the other way round. She was into a relationship but had broken up & was looking for my shoulders to support her emotionally.Once she used my laptop to check her emails and she forgot to signout. Next day when i used my laptop , it automatically signed into her email. For me it was like her life open infront of me. What i did was , typed her boyfriend's(ex) name to search & look for conversations and so on in her email. And i came accross some really personal pictures of her & her ex. She had a picture of both of them sharing a kiss. I just couldnt take it & switched off my laptop. I was out of sorts for 2 days. Seeing me in that state she asked me what's wrong & i confessed what i had seen & explored her emails. She went berseck after that. She was fuming and our friendship has gone for a toss. She used to trust me like any thing & now she terms me as a ditcher, a person whom one cannot rely. Previously before all this had happened we were very very close to each other. As close as one can get. But now everything is gone. Previously in a day atleast we used to spend a good 10hours with each other , now she ignores me. If i am low she comes & consoles else ignores. She has said , she will never be able to forgive me, nor forget what i have done by peeking into her private life & neither will she ever trust me. This all happened when i was planning to propose her , i still love her but things have gone badly haywire between us. Small small things like text messaging wishing gud nite , wishing gud morning everything has been stopped by her. Replies of text messages comes in one liners. Doesnt chat with me properly. She gets angry when she sees me. All this happened when she was just fresh into a break up & she says her boyfriend has broken her trust and now me. She moves around with everyone except me. Previously we used to talk out the world , now we have to think and speak. Ron please help me. How do i mend this relationship. How do i get my best friend back. I really want to marry her. How do i go about things. She says she will never ever forgive or forget what i have done to her. How do i talk her out of this or what i do ??
Please help me. PLease
Abhishek
Hi Ron,
I've read some of your letters and responses. Some seem close to my situation, and have helped a bit already, but here goes.
I am married to my childhood sweetheart. We have lived together 15+ years and have been married for 3 of those. We have such a strong bond and talk very openly about everything. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but it’s great and we both love it, normally (I think). He’s the leader in entertainment, music, in-house fun if you like, and I am the social one – I have independent friends. His friends are all shared with me and we hang out in each other’s houses, but he doesn’t really go out with me and my friends because he doesn’t like going out for drinks. That stuff may not be directly relevant but I’ll leave it there. About 10 years ago he had a fling with a work colleague while away on a trip, confessed and apologised as soon as he came home and we went through some seriously bad times getting through it. But we did, and it was long since forgiven.
But a few weeks ago he told me he had a crush on a girl he has become friends with through work. I reacted OK at first, was glad he came to me because he was worried about trusting himself. That's the right thing to do, I guess. But then had to admit I was not OK with it. I was terrified by it and knew I shouldn't be because he came and told me - so he had no ill intentions and didn't want to screw up our marriage.
About a week after that he told me something which indicated that he had withheld information back from me (I also snooped which I am not proud of) about the nature of their relationship. eg he had met her for coffee one particular day which he told me he was going to do - but he neglected to say it was to give her a birthday present he bought for her. He was also sending sms to her while we were on holiday a few days after that, and went out for a long lunch with her instead of working when we got home. Each thing to some degree hidden/omitted from me.
When I fronted him he apologised, showed me all the texts, told me the truth and excused his withheld info by saying he didn't want me to get all insecure and feel bad, that there is nothing to worry about and they are just friends - there is no crush anymore, and all is fine. He was just worried about getting crushes in general, and wanted me to help him or tell him it is normal (and I did that at the time – emphasising that it’s what you do or don’t do about it that is important). But I explained that the withheld info was the worst part - a betrayal of trust, and he understood - I think.
Two weeks or so had passed when I couldn't reconcile all this stuff, and I told him that I can't handle his relationship with her and asked him (kinda demanded in a bit of a blazing row) that he back off from contacting her late at night on web, and not meet her outside the workplace alone – that those were the parameters of his relationship with her that I felt uncomfortable with. I was and still am trying to accept that it’s ok for him to have a female friend (although it’s a new thing, why shouldn’t it be ok, and why should it threaten me?) Because of the crush.
Well, now things are just awful. He is angry with me for putting him through all this argument and analysis – for being obsessed with it. He clearly feels bad, but he is withdrawing from talking about it now because it’s so hard and such a strain. He can't see why I don't just move on and get over it. He says (and I believe him) that nothing happened or is going to happen, so there's no reason to change his relationship (and besides, I should not have to demand such things of him because he hasn't done anything wrong – all he did was be honest about the crush because he thought we could handle it and deal with it). He also reckons that I’m telling him to ditch her completely – because if he doesn’t meet her outside of work, then they can’t be friends anymore (they are both changing workplace in the next few weeks – a stressful time anyway as he has a big very important work event coming up).
I cannot handle his relationship with her – should I be able to? Every evening when he’s using his mobile phone or the internet I’m convinced he’s talking to her…maybe less so since we’ve talked and he has reassured me, but it still sparks intense anxiety in me, and I’m desperately trying not to succumb to it. I know he chatted to her in the evenings a good bit before he told me about the crush, because sometimes he told me what they were chatting about and about her love life etc. we were ok talking about it then. But I will admit I already had minor suspicions, but didn’t bring it up because it was just me being silly (so I thought). Yesterday he asked me would it be ok if he met her for coffee – and I couldn’t agree to it, got upset and we rowed again. In the end he didn’t meet her – as a concession to me, but he has barely spoken to me since. If he continues to agree to back off I know I’ll find it hard, but I will believe him that he is doing it (without snooping) and I’ll work as hard as it takes to rebuild things and get around it. But at the minute he doesn’t even want to talk about it and doesn’t agree that backing off is something he should have to do.
I’ve been for counselling assessment (he didn’t come, but said at the time he was willing but thought it was a bit of an overreaction I was having and he didn’t feel the need) – I had been for counselling after the affair, so knew it would help. But we are on a waiting list, and will find it difficult to pay. But he is NOT keen on counselling – he’s afraid of what it will unearth in him (like many people who feel they have issues?). He also sees it as a sign that we have failed to sort this out ourselves. I need some help. I am trying to be patient and not lose the rag, but it’s hard. He’s finding it hard too and we are tearing each other up. We are both re-living what happened all those years ago, but nothing actually happened – isn’t it daft in a way? It’s upsetting because we are usually pretty damn good together (he’s not very affectionate or sensitive, and I’m a bit lazy, but we support and love each other loads and talk about problems and difficulties we are each having, we also have good times, laughing together and enjoy each others company – mostly our marriage has been great).
Please tell me if you think I do just need to get over this. I can work with that if I have to. The marriage means too much to me to get this wrong.
Apologies for the length, thanks so much,
K
Abhishek:
You admit that you love this girl, but she has only feelings of friendship towards you. Already then you are not on equal footing and a marriage proposal, even if the email thing never happened and you were still on good terms, would be rejected. My question is, why would you want to put yourself through that?
Regarding winning her trust back, the only way I know of is through time, clear and utter transparency and of course plenty of mia culpas. This supposes that she will allow you to still associate with her.
hello rachel ,
thanks a lot for replying. we were really close friends , she even knew about my feelings for her. now that the trust is gone i want to win it back first before trying anything else.if this had not happened i feel she wud have accepted me.i really dont want to give up without trying.She said , when she knew she would have walked away , but she didnt , because when i confessed to her i broke down badly and she could not go. she is just physically here with me. How to go about it ? How do i give that time and space ? this is the only hiccup i had with her , else she also know i am very transparent in nature , else i wouldnt have voluntarily turned up and confessed what i had seen.
Help me Rachel.
Abhishek:
Some people just need time to sort their feelings out. Give it time and keep offering her your "friendship", however, don't pressure her. Feeling must happen freely and in their own time.
i am always there for her. just need to learn to be a little patient i think. coz i keep losing my patience every now and then. i hope things work out. thanks for your time and views . do pray for me . i really love her.
take care and thanks :)
Hi Kathryn:
Ron doesn't seem to respond to these writings too often, so I have taken upon myself to do so. I am not a psychologist, but I have been on the receiving end of infidelities (you can read my story #42), have learned a little and want to help. I know how confusing and painful this situation can be.
I thought it was interesting that you mentioned that you had long "forgiven" your husband's affair. Yes, one can forgive a lot of things, but one never forgets. That is why this little crush he admitted to is worrysome to you. The past tends to repeat itself. Let's face it, a woman's greatest need is to be desired and when that need is threatened,it is totally natural to feel insecure. I would bet that if the shoe was on the other foot and you admitted to a crush, your husband would feel a bit insecure as well. I would say that you have every right to request that your husband not see this lady outside of work, since this would only add fuel to the fire and your husband should want to do everything in his power to be totally and completely open with you in every way, totally transparent. If he insists upon keeping this "friendship", then you could even ask to make her a friend of the family if you feel comfortable with that. However, it would still be best if the relationship was severed. He may say that there is nothing to worry about, but it is always best to not put yourself in the occasion of sin, so to speak. Afterall, you have been together for a rather long time and it is natural for any marital relationship to become stale and routine after so many years. Although a man can be perfectly happy at home, the excitement of a new sexual experience can be just too tempting and under the right or actually "wrong" conditions it may lead to something more. You must make him understand that he is treading on thin ice and that this could threaten the fabric of your marriage. Once a sacred trust is broken, it is very difficult and sometimes impossible to bring back. Love and trust are very closely connected. In order to have a healthy love relationship, trust must be present or else it will eventually fail as it did in my case.
I hope I have cleared away some trees from your forest. Good luck...
Hi Rachel,
I really appreciate your quick response. It's worrysome and yet reassuring that you agree with me about this. I really must make him see that this is not OK. We talked a lot last night and things between us are better. I tried to emphasise that even if we don't see eye to eye on this particular issue, we ought to be able to talk about other things and to stay on friendly good terms with each other, in order to come to an eventual understanding about the situation and each other's point of view.
I am taking the softly, softly, catchy monkey approach. Hopefully he'll see that a constant level of continued upset in me over the friendship is not worth it. but who knows. I'll be hanging in here doing my best to make him see the light.
Thanks for your help,
K
Hi Kathryn:
By taking this soft approach with your husband you are keeping the lines of communication open, which is vital. Now, however, your female intuitive senses are hightened. You will take note of every move he makes or steps he doesn't take. You may overanalyse and you may even acuse him of things he did not do. It all goes along with being distrusting, a horable position in which to be placed, but you seem to be very level headed and you seem to be handling it well.
Life is full of choices. You may make the choice to trust your husband in order to keep your marriage in tact and to keep the peace. I hope he continues to make the choices that would allow him to remain worthy of your trust. I wish you the best.
Rachel,
This is Bill, thanks for the response of 19th Aug, 4:28am. Here are my follow-up thoughts and addt'l info. Your correct, it is a huge age gap. And yes we have a lot in common, that is why we both think it can work. Hormones are not the issue, we both have a great physical and mental relationship. My adventurous streak is what endeared her to me so we share that us to each other. Fast forward since I wrote the note, she felt the incident was important enough to get on a plane in 24hrs and return home to stay as she had to talk to me and resolve the issue. She shared she made a mistake and shed many tears over the few days following the incident then realized she had to come home and talk to me. Since her arrival, we painfully talked through the incident, I felt it best to set her free and told her she should go home as the relationship is over. She choose to fight to stay and let me know whe really wanted it to work it out and understood by my actions that what I did was real love. She shared that my actions were true love as I met her at the airport, gave her flowers, and told her I still loved her. In addition I felt in my heart and told her I forgive her after she said the transgression was more than just a physical thing. She shared she was frustrated as she could only spend 3 months abroad vice live abroad for a few years, her long term desire. So now here we are, we have had 5 days of talking, and we both see life differently. We have both admitted the word commitment was tough but we won't fight it. We also have agreed that we think our relationship, despite societal norms can work. What are your thoughts? Is this for real? Can it work?
Dear Bill:
It appears that you both have done a lot of talking and soul searching and have already come to some agreements. I still think that there is a huge generational gap that will eventually lead to problems, if it hasn't already, but I suppose if you both really want to try to make it work between you, give it some time. I would define a time frame, say 6 months, at which time you would sit down together and talk about it again. Good luck to you.
Hi Rachel,
You are so kind and generous to respond to my response, thanks. You are also on the button about my female senses being on overdrive. It's very reassuring to read that, because just today I was going out of my mind about something that was most likely (almost positively) nothing.
I am quite level headed, if I do say so myself (!! thanks for the compliment), but I am also very poor at confrontation. For me it still feels like there's lots to talk about, but for him it must be horrible as you say to be 'accused' of anything - especially things that are clearly making me feel bad. That's how he feels every time we talk and he will inevitably say that all this wouldn't be a problem if I trusted him, and that's that.
The problem is how to re-build the trust. If he insists on still meeting her outside of work to keep up the friendship I don't think I can re-build the trust...not that I won't try, but it feels too difficult - as you say, it's fueling my insecurities. But for now he has backed off considerably as far as I can tell, which is very reassuring. Thing is, he doesn't feel comfortable talking about her - no sh12 Sherlock - of course that's because of my bad reactions over the weeks. But the complete lack of chat about her only serves to fuel my notions that he is keeping things from me. How twisted.
I need to get us to a place where he feels he can chat about her, if we are ever going to 'handle' the friendship (with outside work meetings or not). Part of me thinks this is all very one-sided too. He says he's making an effort and now I have to as well, which sounds fair. But I feel like every day and every hour I am making an effort not to be obsessive about it and not to go into competitive overdrive...he doesn't seem to see how much hard work that is and how draining it is. I've lost 10 lbs in 5 wks, but he hasn't said anything about that either - which bugs me because he often asks me has he lost weight!!
I'm not sure about her becoming a family friend after all this. I think I would need to be in a much better place for that to have the desired effect. I have thought about it, and he has offered that I meet her - but I don't want to be the third spoke - the thought of it makes me feel like an intruder in my own life, somehow.
It's never nice to hear that perhaps he will not reward my trusting efforts with worthiness, but I appreciate that I need to hear the worst case scenario, and I may need to deal with that someday. Let's hope not.
Anyway - thanks again for your efforts to help - it's a lonely place and you've helped me feel that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy. I'm just a female having natural female reactions to a tricky male!!
best wishes,
K
Hi Kathryn:
Your husband seems to be blaming you for not trusting him. There is something a bit confusing to me about that. You don't trust him because he has cheated on you in the past and now he is positioning himself to possibly let it happen again, is that not so? The way I see it, he should be blaming himself for putting YOU in this position. He should be wanting to be totally and utterly transparent with you in everything to help bring the trust back. I know that this may feel wrong to you, but meeting her may not be the worst idea. You could doll yourself up, bring lots of family photos and make her see that you are a unit. She may get the hint that she is the intruder and back away once she has a face to associate with other than your husband's, that is if she has a conscience. Also, one is always afraid of the unknown. If you face your fears, in this case it would be this woman, you might actually feel empowered. Think about it...
Be that as it may, to keep your sanity, try to live life as normally as possible. What your husband does is really not in your control and as far as you know, he hasn't done anything yet. If you can, put this out of your mind and try not to worry about something that may never happen. Don't worry about something you have no control over. If, God forbid, something does happen and you should find out, there will be plenty of time to loose sleep and worry and fret. This, I know, is easier said than done, but it is for the best. I feel your anguish and your pain.
Hey Rachael,
I am having a problem with my girlfriend of 2.5 half years. As college students, she studied abroad last semester. I had her email and facebook passwords but I didn't go out of my way to snoop. One day back in May I went into her email account to delete one I had sent her and while I was there I clicked around (though I admit this was really wrong of me) and I found an email she sent to a friend with pictures of a guy she met during her last week in Paris. In the email she stated that she kissed him, but specifically mentioned that I couldn't be told about this. I confronted her on this issue and she finally admitted that this kiss was cheating and that it was a single indiscretion that would not happen again. She changed her passwords and we both moved on.
Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago. When I was visiting her at the summer camp she was working at, I was listening to her ipod. We don't like similar music so I ran out of songs that I liked quickly and started to browse through the other stuff. When I looked at the photos, I found the same pictures of the guy and her, plus more of just him. When I confronted her about it, she said that she had told the girls she worked with about our issue and they wanted to see what he looked like. I accepted that answer: girls will be girls. I moved on.
Last night I was in her dorm room about to leave when I noticed her facebook was left open. Suspicious now of this guy, I clicked her inbox (I admit I'm wrong but at least I'm partially justified to be suspicious at this point). Sure enough, the top email was continuous messages between the two of them. There were 68 total, going from the end of May, right after she changed her password, until mid-August. I had finally had it today and broke things off. She didn't take it so well and I really don't want things to end either. Is there anyway you can think of to help me gain back the trust of my girlfriend?
Thanks,
Mike
Hi Mike:
Whose trust are you trying to rebuild, yours or your girlfriend's? It appears to me that you are the one who is distrusting and from your description of the events, I can't blame you. Your girlfriend seems to be playing games and has been less than honest with you, allowing suspicions to grow. It may be that she is not ready for a longer term monogomous relationship. Two and a half years is a long time for your age. Perhaps, if you both still want to continue, the terms of the relationship agreement should be altered such that both of you would have more freedom. Sometimes even separating is a good thing using the "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" premise. If it is meant to be, it will happen in it own time. Just realize one thing now...Your trust has been broken. She will have to work VERY hard to repair it, by being totally honest and open with you at all times about everything, even to the point of allowing you to view her facebook and emails etc. Is she up for this task? If yes, then in time your wound will heal and you will learn to trust again. If not, I fear that it will be a downward spiral from now on.
I hope I am not being too blunt, but I call it the way I see it. If you are someone like me, someone who doesn't want to stick your head in the sand, but instead hear the naked truth, then you will appreciate the frankness of my answer. Good luck to you...
Hi Rachel,
Thanks for the response. I am clearly the one who has lost trust in my girlfriend, but since we have been together for so long, I am having trouble ending it without first giving her a chance to redeem herself. As such, I gave her two conditions that she would need to accept to stay together. The first one was to come clean about everything. If I found out about anything else later it would mean the end of the relationship, so this was her once chance to come clean about everything. She accepted this. Secondly, I told her I wanted to see her facebook and emails to prove that I could in fact trust her. This she actually refused for two reasons. One is that she claims that viewing these messages that I saw will only make me mad and cause the relationship to end anyway. The second reason is that she claims that she wants to respect everyone's privacy, including the other guy involved. Not that I have any reason to defend my girlfriend, but this guy is someone that she is never going to see again in person, meaning that he is not really a threat to our relationship. This does not in any way make what my girlfriend did right or less wrong, but it does change the effect of what I found as I don't need to be suspicious of them starting to date behind my back.
This morning I essentially gave my girlfriend an ultimatum: I told her to give me her passwords or do something else that shows that she is trying to build my trust again. Otherwise, the relationship is over. Am I being too harsh in saying that? I feel that she did something wrong and should therefore have to pay a price for it, even if it makes her uncomfortable in the process.
In regards to your email, I am not the type of person that likes to go out and hook up with many girls at once; I like having a strong connection with one person. So the more freedom thing would not benefit me. In addition, the temporary break thing doesn't really work for my situation. Sure, when people get sick of each other, a break can show that they are actually lost without each other. But a break does not help reestablish lost trust, which is what needs to be done to save my relationship.
Do you have any other suggestions on how she can earn my trust back? As much as I am really upset with her, I love her enough to try to save this until all hope is lost.
Thanks,
Mike
Hi Mike:
No, I don't think you were being too harsh by giving your girlfriend an ultimatum if you mean to follow through with it. However, be careful about saying something that you don't mean, you may become a paper tiger. Dr. Phil is right when he sais that "we teach people how to treat us". Everyone has boundaries and they should be made clear early on in the relationship. That way each partner knows what will and will not be accepted by the other.
I understand that you love this girl and that you want to give her another chance, but giving her another chance means that you need to make the choice to trust and she needs to make a concerted effort to be as open as humanly possible to allow trust to happen. This may take time. Relationships are sometimes hard work. Again, is your girlfriend up for this task?
Also, understanding is the key here. Try not to punish your girlfriend. This will merely lead to resentment. You cannot force these issues and you cannot congtrol your girlfriend. All you can do is to be understanding and patient. If she really wants things to work between the two of you she will do what it takes to keep you. Unbrideled openness and time is the only way I know to achieve the rebuilding of trust.
My situation is unusual and please excuse the very lengthy post here. It just takes awhile to explain, and it is essential that I make it clear why I am feeling the way I am feeling, so that a proper answer may be given.
First off, I was married for twenty years. The last seven years were miserable. During the marriage my husband had a few affairs, during the last seven years he became an incredible functioning alcoholic. That is he would go to work every single day, but would begin drinking the moment he walked in the door at home (sometimes even before he got home) and would have slurred speech within 30 minutes to an hour after getting home. Suffice it to say that we couldn't even have a conversation about bills. It was very bad.
It got to the point that we only had sex once during an 18 month period and the final development for me was his no show to our 20th wedding anniversary.
We lived on the East coast, but I met a then married man living on the West coast during that turbulent time. We first were epals and friends only, but over time that changed. It turned into a long term (3 years) affair. I wanted to leave my husband but being in a low paying job with kids, and having no family or friend support, prevented that.
My boyfriend had (and still has) a fabulous job but I also refused to move my children 2,000 miles away. His marriage was also in shambles for different reasons and again, in order for this to be clear, I should explain.
He didn't marry until he was in his thirties. The reason he married was that he was ready to settle down and have children. Prior to the marriage, he made it clear to her that this was essential. She agreed. Soon after however, she decided to have her tubes tied without even discussing it with him. He remained with her however for years after, but resentment builds and she was married to her job more than him. He felt betrayed and lonely, and that was my understanding of their marriage.
So after we had been together for a few years, he moved out and filed for divorce. I still however refused to move that far away. He put in for a transfer to an area that was much closer and then I agreed to move in with him, with kids in tow.
Worth mentioning, I too have my tubes tied but it is a medical necessity and I told him about this on day one. He was willing to accept it. The two I have nearly killed me both times, and the doctors said that there was no way I'd survive a third.
I left my husband and am now married to my then boyfriend. We have been together for slightly over two years now. Lately though, things have been... a little worrisome.
Naturally, when we were first together he couldn't have enough of me. Now it's been several months with sex only once. I also have gained a bit of weight due to a new medical condition that puts a number of limitations on what I can do physically. I am a LPN and the years of back breaking work has taken a toll on my back and neck. I'm not even able to work right now.
Things we did before we moved in together were IM, phone calls, texting, etc. I'm fully aware the problems that couples like us face, “If (s)he cheated on the first spouse, (s)he'll cheat on the next spouse,” type thing. The thing is our situations were – I felt – different than most affairs. It wasn't based on boredom, or middle aged crises or anything like that. It was based on genuine abandonment by each of our spouses.
That's how I felt then and I still do, mostly. Yet lately I've been worried. He plays this game online along with my son, and even more shockingly, my ex-husband who happens to like him which sounds very weird. Surprisingly, my ex and my current husband have become friends and they get along great. This was a total surprise to everyone involved.
In any case, one day I heard him on the game talking to a woman and he was flirting. When I mentioned it later he sounded genuinely surprised that it sounded like flirting. He apologized saying that was never his intention. The other day, I went up behind him while he was on the game to give him a kiss on the back of the head. He was on the game IM and I read a small portion of it while I was kissing him. He immediately closed it out. This was reminiscent of our IMs in our previous marriage. It seemed fairly innocent, saying something about “tell her she's my favorite friend” or something along those lines, but when we met he was rather flirtatious online, even if only in fun.
Finally, he has stopped spending time with me and is on the game all the time. I have trouble getting him to go out any more.
I sat him down and talked to him about it. I said how I am not sure if the lack of sexual interest is because of my weight gain or something else, that I am worried because of the online women on the game and his flirtatious nature as well as the time spent on the game and so forth.
Also, my psyche goes into overdrive when I worry and I begin dreaming about the bad stuff. Just last night I dreamed that he was having an affair and preferred the other woman over me.
Now finally, I am to my question. Am I being paranoid? Is there a way I can reassure myself if I am? Or should I be worried?
I DO have a history of feeling unloved when probably I should have felt loved. I say probably because I'm really not sure. I mean, husband one did cheat and drink and was verbally abusive. Early in the marriage though he was none of those and still I felt unloved.
So what should I be feeling? How can I make myself feel better about all of it if I shouldn't be feeling this way? Should I communicate all of these fears to my husband? If so, how do I NOT make it sound like I'm an overly sensitive nagging wife?
I did bring it up the other day and told him that his reassurances may not be enough. I explained why too, we have a history of our own infidelities with each other and he did say he understood and said it was a problem trust wise.
When we first moved in, it was him who was having the dreams that I was cheating and leaving him for another man, now it's the other way around.
How can we get past this? Please don't give opinions on what I did was wrong because that's in the past and besides, if I had to do it all over again, I still would.
Thanks to anyone who can give me guidance.
Hello,
My name is Hillary. I have been in a relationship with mu boyfriend for 8 years now. For the past two years he has neglected me for porn. I don't feel like he's attracted to me or in love with me anymore. We have 2 kids together. I have talked to him. Not argue but talked to him. He turns to the computer more then he touches me. And I feel as though he has cheating on my with a machine. I finally couldn't take anymore. So i ended it. Which kills me because I love him so much. But he's still going to porn. I don't know what to do. I really need some advice. Please write back asap.
sincerely,
hillary
Hi Hillary:
It sounds as though your boyfriend has an addiction problem to porn. Try an AA meeting to find out about addictions and what, if anything, you can do. Love, unfortunately, doesn't not concquer all. You must be strong now for your children's sake. They need to come first in your life. Good Luck...
Hi,
I cheated on my girlfren(just kiss) cuz things were not peaceful.we were on verge of a break up.I thot i wud b happier with the other girl.but i got back with my girl fren.i kept in touch with this other girl cuz i felt guilty on that end, but she ended telling my girl friend.my girl fren reacted very very very badly and humiliated me in front of my close frens and hers to a very very bad extent,even physically.i took it al and got things back.both of us really love each other.for her trust is the most important thing..now things are going great.we have those odd fights here and there.she cares for me a lot.we are living in separate cities,but talk several times during the day and for hrs at night.we wake up together and go to sleep together on phone.its al great.but when i think of what she did i get a surge of anger,due to this my ego is hurt and ego comes into the issue during arguments.she has changed a lot and is very committed.trust her completely and love her more than anything.but i am hurt by wht she did.she regrets it totally.we both agreed to not bring up the past and both have stuck to it.it is al fine but my ego comes in the way while dealing with situations now.what do i do to get over it?
Hello,
My story is much like those that I have read and my heart goes to all of you who have felt the pain related to a loved ones betrayal.
I want to believe that insticts come over mind and heart sometimes and in my case that is very true. Two weeks ago I felt that things were off between my boyfriend and I. We have been seeing each other for about a year or so now and I have been deeply in love with him for most of that time and vise versa (or that is what was expressed to me).
As I mentioned I felt things were off. We spend majority of our time together so it was easy to notice the disconection. Last tuesday morning I woke up and had the urge to go through his phone. I checked the text messages and nothing out of the oridinary there. Then I went into his email acount and started to look through the sent and inbox and again nothing was out of the ordinary. Something told me to look in the trash bin and I saw an email from my boyfriend to a girl that works at the company he was doing some consulting for at the time stating how he waned to explicity have sexual relations with her and she expressed her desire aswell. IT BROKE MY HEART!
I woke him up trying to stay calm but semi-lost it. He had been on the project for only 3 weeks and 2 of those three weeks he admited that they got a little to verbally friendly. He was very remorseful about what was said and for his behavior. He told me that nothing else happend, just emails. He never saw her outside of the office etc. He told me that he was not sure why he let it get to the point where it did and that he wasn't really attracted to her.
We talked about what had happend, He was very apologic and wants to do anything and everything to make it up to me, he stated that he wants to be with me and only me, that he has finally realized that he wants me in his life and he wants a life with me.
It has been a week and I am still very very very hurt. I catch myself reciting what was exchanged between them and instantly feel a sharp pain in my heart. I picture his face talking to her, I picture him writting those things and it completely tears me apart. I would say I think about those emails and recite what was said about a few dozen times a day. I feel like it's breaking my spirit.
I love him so very much. We are working things out one day at a time but I am so scared.
I am tempted on emailing her to get her side of the story but I am not sure if that would be wise.
I feel very unattractive. I feel that he got bored of me and looked for some gratification else where. I am a very lovy touchy person and cannot understand why I wasn't ENOUGH!
I am willing to work things out with him but my mind is running me around in circles to the point where I cannot even look in the mirror anymore.