Repairing broken trust in a relationship can be very difficult. Many times the reason for the broken trust stems from infidelity or broken promises and these violations within a relationship can virtually destroy it. If you and your partner are committed to working through it though, you will find that your relationship can become stronger than ever.
Before any trust can be rebuilt you must address how and/or why it was broken in the first place. This is the time for brutal honesty. A complete confessional of how the trust was broken should only be done when you are both ready to hear it. Heartfelt apologies should be offered with indications of remorse and promises to not violate the trust again.
There is a massive amount of stress on your relationship once the trust has been broken. Reconciliation can happen first. This happens when both you and your partner make an agreement to work on the issues and rebuild the trust and the relationship. Reconciliation usually has to happen before forgiveness. It also indicates that you are invested in salvaging the relationship and not giving up on it. In many cases it will be up to the person that violated the trust to initiate reconciliation.
The most difficult task is then to forgive. It is never easy to forgive, but if you continue to hold on you will constantly live in a state of rage or anger. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you excuse abusive behavior. It does mean that you are able to work towards letting go of the past. Relationship experts suggest starting with forgiving your partner for their weakness. Your partner also needs to be ready to be forgiven and accept the consequences of their actions.
Sit down with your partner and reevaluate your goals. Remind each other what your priorities are and what unifies your life together. Sometimes a vocal or written commitment to the relationship is a good place to start. Try to avoid setting up conditions of forgiveness.
Getting outside help is strongly recommended. Make an appointment for the two of you to sit down with a relationship counselor. This should be a safe environment for both of you to be honest about how the trust has been damaged or lost. These counselors will have steps for you to go through that will help repair any damage, or in the worst cases, help you to safely walk away from each other.
Hello Little Lamb:
You feel duped and deceived, but you are not stupid. You made yourself vulnerable to another person, you made the choice to love and that is never a mistake. You gave a precious gift by giving your heart away and you expected your boyfriend to appreciate it and treat it with respect. Then you find out that he lied to you about this collegue of his and a million other thoughts run through your head. You may be thinking: "how often has he lied to me without my finding out?", or "can I ever trust him again?" or "if he lied to me about this, then what else has he lied to me about?". I've been there, done that and it ain't fun. - I have learned in my 53 years of life that men and women think very differently about sex and love. For a lot of men a sexual interlude does not have to include love or even a deep feeling of any kind. For them it is more like recreation. I don't think that all men are like that, but I think the majority are. For most women, not all, I think that at least a deep connection has to be there for there to be a desire for sex. Women, I think, also often feel more deeply than men do and hence we get hurt more and more deeply and easily.
I like to be frank with people and not beat around the bush. In your case, I think you would spare yourself a lot of heartache if you distanced yourself from your boyfriend. If he is already starting with this kind of behavior and you have only been together for a year, imagine what 2 or 3 years would bring? God forbid, you married him. How long do you think it would take until more heavy duty carousing would start? I know this hurts, it is like an open, gaping wound and you don't know who to talk to and what to do to make it stop, but this too shall pass. However, I too am a believer in second chances and if you want to give him a second chance I would definitely set boundaries and make him understand that this kind of thing may "never" happen again unless he is willing to risk your relationship. If you do this, make sure that you keep to your word or else you will become a paper tiger and he will know that you will always take him back regardless of what he does or how much he hurts you. We teach people how to treat us. Forgiveness is devine, but I would mark this event in my own mind as a huge red flag. Look out forself first, don't become lost in any man's life.
hi joe again..could somebody pls help me out
Racheal,
Thank you so much for taking the time and listening to my story. The heart is a complicated thing and sometimes I wish there was a manual. It has helped out alot expressing my feelings that I have not been able to address and sent him an email yesturday stating all of my thoughts, feelings and fears and I have realized that yes I cannot afford to get lost in his life for I will loose myself in the process. Only time will tell if our bond is strong enough to get passed this. I am so scared of going through this again. My wall is up and I let him know that he will have to chip away at it little by little. I will no longer put my heart in his hands. If he can show me that he will take care of it and treat it like the most precious thing on this earth than it will be his again. Its not over, I know there will be days that I don't think about it and then there will be some that will be consumed about it.
Thank you again Racheal for taking the time. When things like this happen it is very easy to feel completely alone and I am glad I found this forum. Reading other peoples situations has made me feel that I am not a totaly idiot and that there are people out there who are after #1.
Thanks again
Little Lamb:
Notice, I didn't call you stupid and neither should you. Always think about yourelf in the positive, even when you feel otherwise. You want to attract only positive and for that you need to be positive.
I am glad that what I said made some sense to you. If I can help one person just a little, I will feel gratified. You seem to be on the right track and yes, writing your feelings down is cathartic. You might want to start keeping a journal just for yourself. No one needs to see it. It is one way of self healing. Good luck...
Hi Joe:
People sometimes make mistakes. Mistakes are meant for us to learn from. You made a mistake by turning your attentions to someone else before your current relationship was over and your girlfriend, from what you say, really overreacted to this news. You both seem to be very regretful of what happened and hopefully have learned not to go there again. Have you talked to your girlfriend in length about how she made you feel when she went off that night in front of all of your friends? If not, before you can put this thing behind you, you should have a real heart to heart discussion about this where she also gets to tell you how you made her feel when you went with the other girl. An important part in this is the listening part. You must both really "listen" to one another and feel the pain of the other. When you both feel that you have discussed everything and there is nothing else to say about it, then make the decision to put it behind you as a lesson learned and boundaries set. Then you both must forgive each other and never do it again. If you stay together, there will be other problems and disagreements that you have to work on and get over, but don't let this be one of them. I wish you well and I hope that what I said helps you.
hi rachel,
thnx but we sort of have spoken bout wht i did..but havent spoken bout wht she did and reacted..she agrees that wht she did was wrong..we have decided not to talk about it..and it is fine..not always but most of the time when we fight i am the one who makes the first effort to get things back..but aftr wht happened now i hesitate to..as in a stil do it but i feel taken for granted.i have brought this issue up to her few times during which i did not get the reassurance i needed.she was going thru her own tough phase at work..but it has happened more than once where i dont get the reassurance i need and i feel it more about as i can stil remember the humiliation i felt with her reaction to wht i did(kissing another girl when i thot i had broken up and we were done).i want more control over my emotions.due to these weird feelings inside i have become more demanding/sensitive in the relationship than usual which is new to her and hence she is finding it strange and i get more sensitive as i am not gettin the reaactions i expect..hope u r getting wht i am saying.
Hi Joe:
I think I'm getting what you are saying, but let me paraphrase. You say you've "sort of" spoken about what you did, but haven't spoken about what your girlfriend did and how it made you feel inside. When you fight you are the only one trying to make ammends and you feel it should be a two way street.When you talk to your girlfriend about that, she argues with you and makes excuses for her actions (a tough time at work)etc. Meanwhile, your feelings about the first incident are still not resolved and keep reapearing when you fight and are maybe getting more intense, which you are finding difficult to handle. Am I getting the story straight?
First, let me just say that I am impressed that you have what it takes to look within and try to figure out these emotions between the two of you. Most men simply let it go and eat things up inside until something terrible happens, either they become violent because they don't know where to go with their feelings for which they have no answers, or they try to self medicate with substances or other girls. I give you a lot of credit for trying to figure things from the inside out, which can be a tangled mess. Sometimes it is so messy that you need a guide and by writing on this blog you are reaching out. Let me just tell you that I can often see the broad picture in relationships pretty well, but i am not a trained psychologist. What i say may help a bit from time to time, just because I am an objective observer who doesn't have an emotional stake, but if your feelings get to a point where you really can't handle them, I would very much advise you go to someone who is equiped to sit down with you, face to face, get to the root of the problem and figure things out with you. The counselors are available to you, particularly through churches at low cost, just FYI.
Having said that let me tell you what i think about your situation judging from what you have said. I feel strongly that you really must bring home to your girlfriend what feelings she brings up in you when she goes off. Since you have not yet done that the same action keeps reoccuring, bringing up the same, maybe even more intense feelings in you. You are expecting different reactions from your girlfriend when she hasn't been made to understand that flying off the handle especially in front of others is totally unacceptable to you. I feel strongly that you both are not communicating adequately. Communication in a relationship is key, it is a learned thing which requires both parties not only to speak, but also to listen. Dr. Phil once wrote a great book to help people do just that. It is like a six week course you do together with your partner and if you follow the instructions carefully, it teaches you how to communicate effectively. You should be surprised what you can find out about each other, it's interactive and it's even kinda fun. I think the book is called "Relationship Rescue". I tried it once and it really seemed to work.
The other obstacle I see is that your girlfriend may have anger issues of her own. She may benefit from some counseling herself. Usually, when someone has anger issues, they don't know how to truly listen to others, they don't hear and therefore don't understand what is going on. They usually see only their own narrow point of view and go in to rages frequently where any chance of real communication shuts down. If you are dealing with this kind of person, it will be a hard nut to crack. Both of you will have to be really committed to the relationship and want to make it work. However, I think that if you do seek help for this and you go the extra mile you will both benefit from it for the rest of your lives.
Dear Ron,
I could really use your advice. I met Eric about 4 years ago. We immediately hit it off. I actually our first "date" was golfing...i remember thinking that he was the had to be the one...shortly after my thought he turned to me and asked if we had met before this. We figured out that we definately did not...but it confirmed for us there was a very deep connection. We didn't date for a year. We became very close friends. During that year I dated a guy (Nate) for a about 1 1/2 months. It was nothing special. I found out later that Eric was devastated and extremely jealous that I had dated Nate. I about six months later Eric and I began dating, fully committing to each other at that time. The relationship was wonderful and became very serious very quickly. We spent quite a lot of time together. We shared special events, family and holidays with each other. We even had our own Christmas mornings together before spending time with our families (we went to our each of our families holiday get-togethers together). To sum it up..we were in separable. The relationship was wonderful. We found a dog and adopted him, we began talking about getting engaged, even talked of moving in together (but decided to wait until we were engaged-our families our catholic). Everything seemed great. We of course like every couple had our arguments and disagreements, but always were able to make it through.
Then last summer I played on a softball team. Nate (the guys i had dated before eric) was the manager. Eric didn't seem to indicate a problem. We talked about it and he said he had confidence in us and trust in me. I had missed the beginning of the season and didn't receive a schedule. I often times had problems contacting people on the team about events and game times. On 4 occasions I texted Nate to find out times. I was friendly in the text msgs. One day Eric accidently took my phone to work with him (we had the same phone). He had gone through my phone (this wasn't the first time). He was so upset to see the text msgs to Nate. A horrible argument began and we didnt talk for a week. We talked again and I explained that I never meant to cause any harm, that it was simply to get information. He said he was angry because I didn't think of him. He said he forgave me and it seemed that we went on with things.
We went on with our lives and things seemed ok. Then in December as we began to talk about engagement again he became very angry...by February he had ended the relationship saying that he was wrong that i wasn't the one for him. And that what happened with Nate had consequences on our relationship. And that there was no hope for us.
We didn't speak for 2 months and then he called out of the blue telling me he thought of me daily. We began to talk again. Saw each other occasionally and were intimate a couple times. He said we would see where things would go. Recently he told me that he was struggling with trust issues and that he didnt know if he could trust me again. Eric was cheated on several times by previous girlfriends.
Now he is distant from me. I am trying to give him his space to heal, but do not know what to do.
Do i have any hope for us? DO you have any advice?
Very truly yours,
Anne
Hi Anne:
It appears to me that Eric is projecting his trust issues from the past on to you today without you having done anything deserving of it. You need to impress upon him that all that happened between you and Nate was very innocent and that you are willing to be as open as you need to be about everything, including your emails, text messages, phone books and the like. You can offer him free access to it all for as long as it takes him to regain his trust in you. You would offer total transparency since you have absolutely have nothing to hide. He, however, should do the same for you. See if that works.
Dear Rachel,
You seem to understand situations very well.I am glad I came across this blog.This is a very nice thing you guys are doing to help people out.I will definitely improve the communication aspect and will let you know how it goes.I wish you the very best in your life.thanx
Hi Joe:
It is always gratifying to hear when what I have said made some sense and helps in the building of falling relationships and keeping Love alive. Please let me know how things turn out.
Hi rachel,
Will let you know how things pan out. Dont want to do it over phone. Problem is I had to move out of town for work just when the whole issue started out. So wrong time i guess. We keep planning trips. She was supposed to come over to my city but we have a small arguments before she leaves and it ends up getting cancelled. Plus it is really tough for us to meet up. I haven't met her in over 2 months now.I will talk to her in person. Should be meeting her in 2 weeks or so.Since I am from India, live-in relationship is not possible. So guess we sil have to stay in different towns for the next year or so. Recently she came over here and I had planned everything perfectly with a whole candle lit dinner on the beach,composed a song for her and she was very very happy. but we cant do that too often as well..costed me a bomb.
With all these fights and arguments we are having and the long distance part i am afraid she wil get used to being without me and distance wil start creeping in between us. Though we talk a lot on phone, it is not the same as being with each other.
Hi Joe:
If it is meant to be, it will happen and absence can make the heart grow fonder and all that good stuff, however, I am a firm believer that when something is supposed to happen it happens with great ease. It appears to me that a lot of effort is put forth in your case...
Hi rachel,
Things were great. But since a bad situation has arised, with me starting it, things are not so bad now. Some things happen with ease. Some do not. But if things dont happen with ease , just means you have to work a lil bit harder or change certain things. i only have doubts bout how certain things are in the our relationship. but i dont doubt the relatioship itself. Both of us committing lotsa mistakes, and most other couples wud've broken up. we're stil together so that means something. I have immense faith in our relationship and in God. Things wil work out. We jus have to improve the way we handle certain situations and thats for our own good anyways right. So i dont agree to the whole meant to be thing. At the start she was not sure bout it and kept saying that its not gonna happen. If i let it be, then i wudn have had the 2 most aweosme yrs of my life. sometimes you gotto go make things happen
Ron, I don't know how you became such an expert in this field, but, the advice you have given others was comforting in some way.
I am having my own issues right now. I love this girl who is ten years older than me. We have been living together for 3 years now and there has been a lot of ups and downs.
I moved from another country and encountered no jobs in my field and basically had to work min wage for the last few years. Not having money to support what we want to do has left us feeling very dull and uneventful.
Just recently as soon as yesterday she says to me that she is the party girl and that she needs to go out every weekend. I don't know why - she has four kids. I've told her I'm not much of a drinker, or into going out to bars. I am past that. My last girlfriend had me out every weekend drinking, and usually cheated on me with men every chance she could get. So, not good experiences for me. I wonder why the sudden change in her values.
I must say that our relationship hasn't been perfect and that is mainly because of her ex husband. The very first year we were together - this man would text her all day long and mainly at night while we were trying to make love. At first it was okay, but, then it was like messing with our relationship. I started to get angry that he felt that he had the right to message her so late in the evening, and that she felt like she had to respond or look at it while we were messing around in bed. It kind of hurts the ego, ya know.
This guy has now started volunteering at her place of work, and even took an unpaid position on top of that at that place of work. So, that's two jobs at her business.
He sends her wedding dress that she got married in over with the kids, on special anniversarys.... needless to say they've been divorced 3 years. He sends over special momentos from their relationship with the kids... he tells the kids really special things about her so that they come back and make her remember... he sends pictures of her holding the babies back with the kids.... he usually picks days that are more anniversary than not. He still tries to send her presents on special days. He comes over and HAS presents for her THAT i have to give her cos I answered the door....which I abruptly slammed. I do not like this guy. He lingers, serial texts, and causes us so many issues. One time he texted her and told her not to shop at walmart because gangs were going to kill one person that day.....and he cared about her. It turned out to be a rumor.... but now she gets to think about how much he cares about her. LOVELY ain't it.
I mean she is fine with it. She loves getting free things from anyone... she doesn't see the problem in it. Apparently I am just the crazy one.
I do have serious jealously issues. I want to know why she is choosing to be friends with strangers, how they met, where they met, I want to be fine with knowing she is going out with them. I don't want to be thinking she is meeting with someone to cheat.
I do alot of things that bug her... I am typically when it comes to a lot of guys.... sometimes i forget to turn the lights out, or pick my clothes up, but I am not particularly bad as when I am angry with her for not sharing important info with me.... I can say words that I don't mean... out of being scared as to why she never shared the info with me.
Anyway, I guess the whole purpose of my post is to just give you a little background.
We are so on the verge of a breakup. I need to build trust ASAP... it's hard when she wants to do very little talking... but she is receptive... I need to know how to be able to quit grilling her... but at the same time confident that she isn't going to her ex's house.... or calling her ex and talking shit... or you know going out to meet other people.. i'd like to have a normal relationship without all the emotional ups and downs.
Hi Betty:
I am afraid that Ron doesn't seem to respond very often. I've taken it upon myself to do so because I know how much the lack of trust in a relationship can hurt and turn your whole life upsidedown. I am not an expert by any means, however, I think I usually can look at the broad picture and figure things out pretty well. Besides, a third party can often do that because they are not emotionally involved. So, I am not Ron, I am Rachel and here is what I think.
It appears to me that your girlfriend's X also has a jealous and insecure nature and is not willing to let go of their relationship.He may even be trying to win her back. Your girlfriend is really liking the attention she is now receiving, not just from her X, but also from you. It must make her feel very flattered, however,if the X is truly an X and she wants to make a life with you, then she will "have" to put an end to his attentions. Having children together makes it hard, but not impossible. You and your girlfriend will have to have some real heart to hearts where you should tell her (maybe write it all down first)exactly what you want and expect out of this relationship and what you will and will not accept i.e. phone calls from the X late at night. It is important to set boundaries. I understand you have your own demons from past experiences to deal with and it is important not to transpose them on to this relationship. She should make her own list so that she can tell you her feelings and her thought process as well. If you are able to have a real, honest talk where both of you really listen to one another and it is kept very rational and logical, then you will begin to see if you are both on the same page. If you are going in oposite directions, perhaps it is time to make some changes. As far as rebuilding trust, you really didn't mention anything in your letter that said anything about actions she might have taken so far to deserve not to be trusted, but maybe you haven't told the whole story. All I see is that she is realing in the attention she is receiving and enjoying the heck out of it. One thing is certain, she will have to make a choice, either her X, you or move on. I wish you lots of luck...
so... i hung out with my boyfriends sisters ex for like an hour AT THE MOST and my boyfriend and his sister both found out and i denied it to the both of them and my boyfriend several times. i finally called him up and told him the truth that yes it really did happen. nothing went on though at all and i would never cheat on him ever. i dont know what to do, how to make things right again. how to say im sorry. i wrote him a poem i told him to his face im soo sorry and i love you so much and all this but i dont know what else to do and its killin me that i hurt him. this is the first time i have ever lied or hid anythin from him. i jus want to hear i love you from him again and everything. help me please bc i know i hurt him and he is upset and its killin me i have been cryin soooo much from it. i hurt my baby! he means the world to me and i want him back the way i had him before this.
p.s this happened monday night all this went down
Hi Vanessa:
It doesn't sound as though you did anything wrong, but it appears that your boyfriend has major jealousy issues. Usually that stems from being very insecure. If he is jealous from this very small unimportant event, chances are that this will escalate over time. From the way you write it also sounds as though you are losing yourself in this man, losing your own identity, which is a dangerous thing to do. You might also have insecurity issues of your own. Be careful! You keep saying in your letter that you are so sorry, but what are you sorry for? You did nothing so terribly wrong. You told a little lie, which provoked his insecurity and you admitted that it is wrong and will never do it again. If he really loves you then he will forgive this small indescretion and realize that we all lie from time to time. I would bet that even he does. We are human and we make mistakes.
Take a step away from all of this, try to look at your situation from the outside in. You might need someone to help you do that, like a trained counselor. Good luck and remember, you must first LOVE YOURSELF before you can truly love someone else.
the thing he is upset about is that i lied to him and didnt tell him that he was comin to visit. and i do see where he is comin from bc i always tell him everything i jus knew his sister would make a big deal about it. im sorry for lyin and hidin it from him thats not me at all. and im sorry from hurting him. i know it was jus a little lie but it was a lie and thats the biggest thing ever to him is lying and i understand bc im like that too. and i know i said i would never do it again it was the first and will be the last time that happens. i dont know what else i can do. i was thinkin about showing up at his work today with a rose. and jus tell him im sry and how much i love him and that i will never lie or hid anything from him again. i jus wanna hold him. like last night he showed up at my vball game didnt think he would really and after we jus hugged and he jus held me so tight and i was like i love you and i knew not to expect it back i walked him out to his bike and was like thanks again for comin i love you so much and im sry babe. and he said your welcome you played very well tonight. and i said becareful plz i love you and he jus hugged me he wont say it right now and that kills me
Hi.
I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. The first two years were long-distance and then last year I moved in with him. I have since figured out that what I saw as a strong loving relationship long-distance, he didn't take me as seriously. He had very close friendships with females that bothered me, and that I would voice as a problem, and he wouldn't want to talk about. Now that we are living together I feel he has cut off those friendships for the most part, which I am happy about, but also make me question what they were about if he doesn't want to continue them around me. When I ask about it he says that he stopped being so close because it bothered me. I also did something very wrong- i checked his email because he forgot to sign off one night- and there was an email between him and his ex where he said he didn't have a girlfriend and that he was "working" in the city that I lived in when he would come to visit me. I just notice that he seems to brag around his female friends and act like another person and it bothers me. I want to get past all this because it was so long ago, I just don't know how.
Kat
Hi Kat:
My humble opinion, it is never a really good idea to move in with a guy before you marry him, if marriage is what your goal is. That may sound like an old fashioned opinion, but when you think about it, it makes sense. The woman is the one who usually ends up with the cooking and cleaning, the eventual heartache, not to mention the financial messes that can occur when you start to comingle.
In your case, it sounds to me that you moved in with a guy you really didn't know very well because you really can't ever know someone if it has only been a long distance relationship. From what you say, he kept his private life secret from you during the first two years and is doing the same with his X girlfriend now, which beggs the question: "how honest is your boyfriend anyway"?
You wrote in this blog because your gut is telling you something. We women have been blessed with a very strong internal instinct. ALWAYS listen to it! It will never steer you wrong.
Hi Rachel,Vanessa
Your advice is helpin.We just went on a vacation and spoke things thru.things are getting great.We have set certain rules to follow which helps us handle things better and we make it fun by giving points to the person who follows the rules..and u can redeem those points..so if she has points and she says take me out to this place for dinner..i gotto do it..its fun...
@ Vanessa
I suggest you stop doing all the extra things you are doing. i guess you might've have already gone to his office with the rose. If he isn't moved by that..its HIS BAD..i wuda not held on to such a small issue.. more u do this the more he wont let it go..DONT SAY SORRY ONE MORE TIME..jus stop and be normal and dont say I love you an stuff..he wil miss it and then he wil realize
Hi Joe:
Good suggestion to Vanessa and I am so happy that things are working out for you...
Rachel,
Hi! My name is Shay. I have been dating my girlfriend for over 9 and a half months. Everything I could have possibly done in a relationship I have done wrong. I lied to her about my past, the amount of girls I have slept with, and the just little lies as well. I am 18 and i really do love this girl. She does not have any trust whatsoever ans she feels like I want more than her because she has caught me looking at girls a couple times and saw i looked up a celebrity nude too. I cant seem to get my act together and show her i really do care. She has given me so many chances and I seem to fall through on each of them. I feel like i don't know how to love because it is something I have never experienced in life. I want to show her I can love her and be a man for her. She is a year older and is almost ready to just end it. I really need help and I want to show her I care because i really do! Can and if so how can I win her heart back over so her heart will not ache anymore.
Hi Shay:
I will be the first to admit that to lie is wrong, however, to err is human. I would bet that even your girlfriend has lied maybe to spare someone's feelings, as I believe you did when not telling the truth about your private sexual life, or to make oneself look better, which is considered a white lie. I do believe that there are significant differences in the lies we tell, not that any of them are good because they all are meant to deceive, however, some can be excused and some can't. For example, if you have an STD and don't tell a sexual partner before having sex with them, or if you are married and meet someone with whom you strike up a relationship and don't tell the person you are married or lie about your marital relationship, or if you are in an exclusive relationship and have other sexual partners without their knowledge, I would consider all of these lies to be unexusable. Have you really been so dishonest with your girlfriend that it is totally unexusable?
You say you are 18 and your girlfriend is 19. Both of you are still very young and both of you are still learning how to treat oneanother without stepping on eachothers toes. As you will discover, men and women are very different creatures. We talk, walk, think and react differently from oneanother because we process issues and situations in different ways. You litterally have to learn how a woman feels and reacts as we have to learn the same about men. For example, women generally attribute meanings to things like a first date, a first kiss, a song, your anniversary, where men don't. If you know that about women and you create the situation that brings about YOUR Song, for example, it will show her that you too attribute meaning and that therefore the relationship has value to you. A woman is a complex creature. Your girlfriend's heart aches probably because you feel and react differently to situations from her and you are not understanding what you should and shouldn't do to make things right between you. A good rule of thumb is to tread lightly when it comes to sexual issues. In other words, it is normal for men to want to "look" at other attractive women. Actually, women like to look at other attractive women too, wheather they admit to it or not. However, gauking, staring and looking up and down at another woman while you are in the presence of your girlfriend, or even when you are by yourself is very rude and inconsiderate towards the woman you are scanning as well as towards your date. Also, looking at pictures of nude women, no matter who they are, is best when done in private.
In my experience with any relationship, communication is the answer. If I were you, I would continuously ask questions of your girlfriend about how she feels about everything. Dig as deeply as you can and try to understand her point of view. When a woman feels understood it also makes her feel validated and loved. Tell her that you love her every day and show her in the things you do. A single, long stemmed, red rose is very touching, writing poetry and reciting it also goes a long way, treating her like a lady by opening the door for her always, helping her on with her coat and being extraordinarily gentle by cupping her head in your hands before kissing, for example, are all ways that show women how they are adored and loved. In the end, what women really want is to be valued by men. That is the key that unlocks the door to a woman's heart.
If you decide to try what I have suggested and it works, I would be interested in finding out.
Go to it,
Rachel
we are good now.. and no i didnt end up givin him that rose... we talked about it and all that in person and now its in the past i have had last friday planned for a while for our 1 yr i took him to jason aldean he loved it he was like it was amazin thank you so much even though we are goin through a rough time right now this was one of the most amazin nights i have ever had and i gotta spend it with you and all this stuff.. but now we are good we dont bring it up or anythin thanks
Dear Ron,
I began dating a guy in Febuary 09. In August I found some text messages in his phone from April. In one message I found out that he had spent the night at a girl's apartment and the other one was about him taking a "girl" friend out to lunch. Both events, he failed to tell me about. We had only been seeing each other 2 months. I confronted him and got his side of both stories. Needless to say, I was completely devastated. At that point I was ready to just walk away from it all. This just wasn't good for a girl like me who already has major trust issues. After telling him I wanted to end things he was pretty adament about staying together because he loves me and wants things to work, he shouldn't have done it, he wasn't thinking about how I would feel, etc. He says he never did anything with either girl, meaning sexually.
So here it is, October and I still feel like I just swallowed the poison from this whole situation all over again. I do love him. We have even talked about getting a house together, marriage, and starting a family. The problem is that I can't let go of what happened. I don't know how to trust him. There are days when everything between us is absolutely perfect and I feel like we're making progress and that things may actually be working. Then out of nowhere it pops into my head and I am sad and angry all over again.
Out of all the crazy relationships I have had, this is one that I really want to work. It is different than anything I have ever experienced. But it seems like it's falling apart because I can't get over what happened.
Any suggestions??
Thank you!!
I apologize beforehand for this will be a long post.
I have been married for close to 18 years now to my someone I started dating when I was 16. Needless to say, I trusted my husband so much that I would describe my trust for him to others telling them that you could place him in a room full of hookers and it wouldn't bother me. He would clearly frown upon his co-workers cheating on their wives.
Well, after having been married 15 years, it seemed his sex drive had gotten considerably low. I thought nothing of it until I found an email he printed and left in his truck when I was cleaning it out for him. He had posted his profile on adult friend-finder. I searched his post and he had commented that he was married wanting to have some fun on the side. I also found out, after some digging, that he had also posted to 2 other similar sites. When I confronted him about it, he said one of his friends from work had dared him to do it, for what purpose I don't remember. I accepted his reason and forgot about it, but not letting my guard down. From time to time, I would check his emails and voicemails. I ran across one vm from a female telling him she was going to be in town and inviting him over for dinner, or just hang out. I called her and she stated that it was all innocent and that he was just a friend and that nothing was going on. When I confronted him, he said she was asking him over to a party, the msg mentioned nothing about a party, but, I still tried to trust he was telling the truth and wrote it off again.
One time, while heading back home from the movies with our 2 boys, he had mentioned a female at work being a lesbian. It struck me as odd,that he just decided to mention that fact out of the blue. Later that year,he began staying up late on the computer playing Wow. By then my trust had been put on the back burner and I was getting preoccupied with checking his phone calls, emails,and anything else I could get my hands on. I then decided to learn to play the game so I could play with him. At the same time I had began placing a recording device in his truck. He had lied to me about a trip he made that I had recorded, nothing really concrete except that he ordered 2 breakfasts. When I confronted him, he admitted that the other breakfast was for a female friend that he was getting close to that he went to that morning. He said they talked, he realized that he needed to go before something happened, then left. A few months later, I decided to go to the Dr and order birth control pills because I didn't want to accidently have another baby with him, I had a gut feeling he lied about not doing anything. I found out during my checkup that I had an STD. He finally admitted to having an affair with this lady after I told him I know the STD didn't come from me. I should've just torn my heart out. After that, I was so insecure, unhappy, and numb. I lost 30 lbs in hopes of keeping him attracted to me,but to try to gain my self esteem back. I had made a friend on the game prior to this. He was 18 when we first met. I gave him advice about his parental issues and enjoyed his attention. After I had found out about my husband's affair, I had started playing the game just because I began craving this guy's attention. He would comfort me,and vise versa. But then our conversations became sexual in nature and my husband found out and of course was very upset. He made me promise to stop talking to this person,and I did. Then, a few months after that, I found out he was still talking to the co-worker he had the affair with. He acted like it was no big deal because he didn't have feelings for her any more and she moved on. They only communicated because he and her new boyfriend went to the gym together and he called her to contact him. At this point, I cried almost daily, have thought about just ending my life to get rid of the pain, but still continued on with him, still checking to see if there was more than what he had told me, it almost became an obsession. Just this year, he admitted to 2 other females, one night stands. These all occured within the same year he had his 3 month affair. He admitted to this info after I had threatened to leave him. I tried to stay yet again but am constantly worried about being made a fool, his lack of respect for me, and his seemingly easy way of lieing to me. We split up again for 3 weeks. During that time, I had gotten close to 2 adults, closer to my age, in the game and began sending sexual texts to him. We decided to get counseling and I moved back in, he asked me to stop talking to the guys,and I did. Even after counseling I couldn't seem to find the happiness that I had 4 years ago. 3 weeks ago I noticed he was taking his cell phone to the bathroom with him that night,and he went to the bathroom several times, so I decided I needed to leave him, but couldn't muster up the courage. Luckily, the guy I was sending sexual texts too decided to text me again out of the blue, think he was drunk,and he sent a picture of his penus to my phone, which was in our bedroom when my husband was asleep in there. He got upset and asked me to leave. I explained to him that I didn't initiate the conversation and that when I said I was going to focus on our marriage, I did try. He began changing his tone, but I still left, have been gone since. He tries to be so sweet and caring now. Telling me if we can't be together he wants to still be best friends, but it's hard to not want to go back to try to get back what was there so many years ago. He also didn't stop communicating to the female he had the affair with, we'll call her Helen. They work closely together, which he decided to keep from me also. Times when he could've avoided her, like overtime hours, he still volunteered for even if she was scheduled to work them also. I don't think he made enough effort to save our relationship, I know he loves me, he is very sincere when he talks to me about it, but it's the respect and thoughtfulness that I'm looking for in the love. Do you think I should even give in to him, knowing the past, and move back in?
Hi Torn:
Your story has a lot of similarities to my own. You can read it #42. I have learned a lot from this experience and I can't say that I am over it, but for me divorce is imminent because I finally came to realize that my husband will not change and he feels absolutely no remorse for what he has put me through, all of the lies, the affair or his sex parties he likes to frequent behind my back even today. For me,like for most people, there had to be a point of no return, the last straw on the camel's back. It came the day I found out that he took his girlfriend on trips with him, trips I was supposed to go on, but didn't because we were trying to save money. After that I knew it was over and there was no more going back. We are now living in seperate bedrooms, but still in the same house only for economic reasons like so many couples these days. If you can get away and live somewhere else, more power to you. You will be able to heal emotionally far sooner when you are seperated.
I have learned that a good number of men, probably not all men though, seem to think that having extramarital, recreational sex is ok and some might even say that it is healthy for them. STDs usually never enter their minds, but statistics indicate that women who contract an STD usually will contract it through their husband, whom they trusted. I am so sorry that this happened to you. It must be utterly devestating and enough cause to divorce immediately for many.
Usually, after some years of marriage sex does get a bit routine and stale for both sexes. Many men will want newness with someone else, but that doesn't mean that they don't love their wives or that they want to leave them. Many men will use the excuse, as my husband does, that men are wired to have sex with many women, so they are just doing what mother nature intended. I will admit that marriage is a man made creation, however, it is meant to be a binding commitment to society, to the respective spouces and to God. A committed and unselfish person will work on their problem at home with their spouse and not go outside the marriage thereby honoring their commitment. There are lots of things one can do to spruce up a relationship, but many men "choose" to lie and cheat instead and it is a choice. Many marriages can be saved if both parties want to save it and will do what it takes to put the pieces back together. A lot of hard work goes in to repairing a broken relationship, but the guilty party has to admit that they have made mistakes, must be willing to put the effort forth to fix the situation, feel true remorse for what they did and vow never to go there again. I believe that without that, you will be fighting a losing battle.
Perhaps God knew the nature of man and his shortcomings and how these would effect their women. Perhaps that is why he gave women the gift of keen intuition. Always listen to your gut and know if there is smoke, there is fire. You have cought your husband in his lies and still you have forgiven him and taken him back. What does that tell him? He feels that he will be able to do that to you and nothing will happen. You must be strong and set boundaries and stick by them. If you don't you will keep experiencing the same things over and over. It took me a long time to learn that fact. Learn from my mistakes.
I have recently read a good book by Tony Robbins called "Awaken the Giant Within". I had never paid much attention to Tony Robbins in the past, but when looking for answers to my questions I cam across this book and it spoke to me. In the chapter "The Power of Questions" he gives some Problem-solving questions that can help with any dilemma one might find themselves in.
1. What is great about this problem?
for me the great thing is that I have learned a lot about myself I would have never known if this hadn't happened and I will be able to start a whole new life when things are settled.
2. What is not perfect yet?
I still have a lot of unresolved anger and resentment issues to deal with and I am working on them.
3. What am I willing to do to make it the way I want it?
I am willing to seek professional help to let me see the light.
4. What am I willing to no longer do in order to make it the way I want it?
I am no longer willing to accept my husband's lies and affairs. i am no longer willing to have a physical relationship with him.
5. How can I enjoy the process while I do wht is necessary to make it the way I want it?
I can work on myself, by engaging in activities I enjoy, by taking classes to further myself, to enjoy the company of good friends.
Sometimes talking to a professional psychologist, face to face, is the best you can do for yourself. An impartial third party can sometimes shed light on a dark situation and just being able to talk about such personal topics can be cathartic. Give that some consideration. Keeping a journal is also a good thing. Good luck... Rachel
Hi Torn:
One more important thing I feel compelled to mention: "Hurting yourself in any way is NEVER the answer". There is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel. You have other people who love you and depend on you. You must consider them and what they would go through if you would try the suicide approach. I can understand the pain this whole thing has caused you. I do understand because I went through the same pain for years and because of that i can tell you that it does subside eventually. It may lead you in directions you would have otherwise never taken. I, for instance, would never have thought that i would ever be blogging, but here I am, spilling my guts. Hopefully it does some people some good to know that there are others who have gone through what they are going through and have come out of it a better person.
You may keep asking yourself the question "Why" as I did. The truth is we may never know the answer to that question because we are not made of that stuff, we are not cheaters or lyers. There are plenty of excuses why, but the bottom line is that it was wrong regardless. Excuses are made only to save face.
While you are going through a situation like this, it appears that there is nothing you can do. You may feel dispair and hopelessness, but remember that God doesn't give you anything you cannot handle. Problems arise in our lives to teach us lessons. We may not know what the lessons are at the time we are going through whatever it is we are experiencing, but as we learn, we grow as human beings. Also remember that things can always be worse, whatever your situation is. Look around you and you will see that your problem, as big and as devastating as it may seem to you now, is small compared to others who experience dehabilitating diseases or experience the death of their child. You WILL get through this and you will become a stronger person for it. Think of yourself for a change and not your husband. Think of doing things that bring you joy and happiness and persue them. Most women who have gotten lost in their husband's lives, lose themselves in the process. I didn't realize that this happened to me and how difficult it would be to not think of him first. It takes some doing, but then it starts to feel pretty good. Try it, you will like it and it will help you heal. Rachel
I want to apologize cause this may be a little long.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and he left his ex of 10 years for me. I grew up with him when i was a kid so we knew each other. The first couple of months were good...but then after that it went down hill fast. He has cheated and lied beyond numerous occastions. I know that he loves me and I love him very much. Here recently I messed up and started talking to someone. I came clean and told my boyfriend about it. He gave me a guilt trip for a long time about it which I understand. Last week I found out that he had spent time with his ex when he told me he was done with that and was going to concentrate on us. I believe him everytime but this time I have actually seen a bit of a change. Yesterday one of the bartenders from a place we eat at regularly texted him and it made me feel a bit uneasy. I just wonder if I am over reacting to it or not. He says there is nothing going on, that he is ready to cut back on the drinking (which he has been), that he wants to start settling down so we can start thinking about marriage and a family.
A majority of the time that he has cheated it has been with his ex. He tells me he does not want her.
I just want to know what we should do to try and work through this because we both want to be together but me having no trust in him leads to fights and we just want to find a way to get past what has happened...
Hi Maggie:
You admitted that your boyfriend left his long time girlfriend for you. The past has a way of repeating itself. If he did this with her, what makes you think he will not do the same thing with you? I am sorry to say that you cheated with a cheater. Now he has cheated on you....If you stay with him, I would fear that you are only letting yourself in for heartache and pain because he will do it again if he thinks he can get away with it. Sorry to be this blunt, I just say it the way I see it. Get away from him, fast! Contrary to popular belief, Love does NOT conquer all... Rachel
So my past is not to pleasent, previously before I met my boyfriend(currently my x)i was searching for a guy in all the wrong places and gave myself away to easily, later on regretting it. But I finally meet a great amazing guy that loves me for me wants to take care of me and be there throught thick and thin. Never told him about my past,later on he would then find out and trust issues started to build from there.
We have been together for 9 months. We have broken up over his insecurity of me talking to friends. He has been going through my emails phone etc. and its repeating itself because he did that with his previous gf.
Recently we went on a break and we had both did something wrong that had no meaning to the both of us. We hooked up with other people. He would later on tell me and I would hide it from him due to the fact that I was afraid what he would think of me because of my past. Also that I care about him and love him so much I didn't want him seeing any flaws in me.
What can I do to make the trust better in the relationship? Him and I are torn, and want to make things better, jsut don't know how to go about it. I know he loves me as do I and I want to get through this.
Hello Ron,
I came across this website after I googled "Repairing Broken Trust". As I read through most of the comments I realized that I was not alone in the way I feel. This is my story.
I have been with my now husband for over six years. When we were first dating I found out about his previous drug problems (heroin addiction). I thought it didn't matter since it was just part of his past. We moved in two years after and noticed a complete change in his personality and appearence. He became distant, never had enough money. I noticed that he would text his cousin alot (she is bad news, drug addict)when he wouldn't even respond to my texts (because he was busy.I began to think that he was cheating on me with one of her friends. Until one day I found empty balloons in the toilet and after researching online found out it was heroin. He had been using for months now. I felt so betrayed. It turned out that his cousin was helping him score the stuff.
Moving on to my current situation. Earlier this year I noticed he had been texting with a female coworker. At the beginning I did not feel a need to feel insecure since from what I knew she was the bosse's daughter, his friend's sister, and not that good looking (not ugly.. but not good looking). Plus it's a small iron business and he's the crew's supervisor and is always out on the field. I figured he did not mention it to me because it was all business. Everything changed when he sent me a silly text message of someone farting. He told me she had sent it to him. I immediately realized it was not just business that they were texting about. This was in Feb. I started to notice that he was showing signs of heroin use again. He denied it! But all the signs were there. His texting continued.. it was not an everyday thing.. it was a few text messages every other day.. sometimes weeks. It began to cross my mind that maybe she was helping him score. But then I thought.. It does not make sence. She would not allow someone that her family to continue to trust a heroin addict would she?? After a few weeks of noticing him worsen because of the heroin use.. I decided to make it clear that I was bothered by the texting. He replied "I'm not going to talk to who you allow me to talk to. She's my bosses's daughter, my fried's sister for god's sake!" .... "If you don't like then you know what to do!" .... I cried ofcourse. I noticed he seemed to be going through widrawl as we were talking. I left it at that and walked away. In April I found out through his family that he had asked to borrow $10,000 and that this was nothing new. I had no idea about this or that he had asked to borrow money in the past. I felt like I had no idea who it was that I was living with. In early June we had a long talk about his texting with his coworker. He told me she was just a friend and that he had no feeling for her at all. He promised he would no longer answer her texts. He would not ask her to stop texting him because he felt that it would be mean since she was a really nice person. Two weeks after that I went out to dinner with some friends and was gone for about two hours. I checked his text usage that Friday and realized that they had been texting for a couple of hours. They began texting before I had gone out to dinner and maybe for 45 minutes after I had left. I decided that I was done with him. I could no longer trust him. His promises meant nothing. I decided to break up with him via text because he had no service up where he was working. When I went to look for him at work that afternoon he told me that he could not believe I had broken up with him over something so stupid. He said that he had never cheated on me and that they were texting about a concert that shed had gone to with her brother (his friend). She also sent pix of the concert by the way. I never got to see any of the texts they exchanged by the way. The next day while he was at work I packed up all of my stuff and decided to give the girl a call. She said that she had no idea what was going on in our relationship..but all they text about was business. She also asked if I was insecure about our relationship (enough to call her). I was polite to her and just asked her "what's going on between you two?" She said that it was all business and she felt that our problems should be solved by him and I and she had no need to be accussed by me of anything. So I apologized and hung up. Soon after he got home and noticed that all my belongings were in my car. He began to cry and told me that he has never been unfaithful and that she was just a friend. That he loved me. He came clean about his drug use. He admitted that he had lied about his drug use because he knows how much I hate drugs. I belived him. The texting soon stopped. He stopped answering and I think she got the hint.
The only problem is that I can't move on. The texting incident keeps on coming back into mind every single day. I told him how I felt and how I could not get this incident out of my mind. He offered to seek counseling for us. He said that maybe it would help me believe him with if we both told our stories to a professional. Even though I thought it would be a great idea then..two hours later it seems like I'm over it. I'm like this every day. What should I do? Please help.
Hi Kendell:
I am not all knowing, but one thing is for sure, you do not develop trust by "hooking up" with others, even if it is as you say, "meaningless". That is actually what starts the whole ball rolling.
My suggestion to you would be to have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend. You don't have to reveal anything about your past, which is the past and unimportant since you can't change it. The important thing is what you two decide to do for your futures. Make a clean line as to your feelings, your boundaries and your visions about what an ideal realtionship looks like to you and see if you see eye to eye on that.
There is no need to feel regretful about your past. Afterall, it is what made you who you are today. We all make mistakes from which we learn, hopefully. Just try not to repeat them since they can be clouded in different looking threads but be the same mistakes.
Try good ole fashioned communication and see if that works. Good luck, Rachel
Hi Broken:
It appears to me that "texting" should be the least of your concerns. "YOUR MAN IS A HEROIN ADDICT". THIS IS A DANGEROUS SITUATION YOU ARE IN!
"He" needs to see this as a real problem, admit to being an addict and be committed to becoming clean. From your letter it sounds as though he has been an addict for a long time. It is now a way of life for him, a life style he may no want to change, although he may say he does just to appease you. Lying accompanies all addictions. You should never trust an active addict. If you are talking to a drug addict, you are talking to the drugs and not to the person. Drugs change who you are and if you stay with someone like that and they are not serious about getting help and getting off of the drugs, then your life may be ruined by association. I understand you love this man, but contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all. Love yourself too and think of your own wellfare. He isn't thinking of you first because right now heroin is his main squeeze and that is all he thinks about. Everything and everyone else takes a far back seat. You have to think clearly about the rest of your life and how you want to lead it. If you stay with this man you are choosing a very difficult and dangerous path, but of course, it is your life and the beauty of that is that you get to make your own choices. Remember, you always have choices. Get some serious face to face counseling for yourself and don't delay. Rachel
I would like to thank everyone and Ron for having this site accessible and everyones contribution. It makes me feel as if I am not alone in this situation.
I have been with my BF for Just over a year...His a flight attendent and does not have many dependable friends.We have been very close and we also keep in contact when his out of the country and when his home we are always together. We have spoken about marriage and I was there when he recently got into trouble with the law. He has a flirty personality and I have tried to come to accept it. I am a person who is insecure and have a negative outlook on life. He is also 11 yrs my senior. I had a gut feeling my BF had a side I didn't know.i have always been curious about his past and his exs. He always says to leave the past in the past and he doesn't care about my past (not that is anything to hide) and that he wants to know the current me. His always caring towards me and we had our usual fights. We treat each other with alot of consideration and it appears there shouldn't be any reason for me to not trust him. But he gets along with girls very well. Recently, I went through his emails and didn't expect to find anything but I did. There was alot of random emails from different girls that he had met on the flights he was working on and he would be the instigator to email romantic comments such as " i miss you".. "can you send me a photo".. "your very pretty".."I think I am falling for you".. and " i love you".. he would also tell them that he was single and had no GF.he would ask to meet them and invited them back to his room. There was no indication from the emails that I have read to confirm that they have met up or did anything more. I fell apart. I tried to break up with him but I love him and so I wanted to give him a chance because he was sorry and remorseful. He seems sincerely sorry and promised not to give out his email address to anyone anymore. He had deleted all his emails and said that the emails means nothing and he does not know why he even did it. He hasn't done it to any other ex GFs... He said they were like penpals and he never physically cheated and never intended to go further than emails. He also said that he never met any of them. i do not know how to move past it and trust him again. he said he has not done it since the situation with law. He said this situation changed his life and he stopped from then on. But I do not believe that if I had not found those emails that he would have stopped. When i brought up that it was deceitful and i felt betrayed and he would be just as upset if the roles were reversed, he realised it was wrong. He has admited he was wrong and apologised many times. His been cheated on before a couple of times and I do not know whether he believes I will do it to him as well and that is why he did what he did. I get the urge to want to check his emails and in my mind I am always questioning him..I get sad when i think about it and it affects him and he just wants to move on..I need help to rebuild this trust and how to stop living life with this insecurity..
Sorry I didn't realise! I would love your thoughts and advice Rachel!!
Hi Annie:
First let me say that I feel flattered that you feel that my comments are worth while. It makes me feel that something I am saying is making sense to some people, which is the sole purpose for my doing this. I know, first hand, how lonely one can feel when going through an intimate relationship issue. You don't know where to turn or who to talk to, you don't want others to think poorly of you or of your bf, but you are hurting so badly from it you could scream and probably do at times and that is ok. Let me just say this, there are support groups for just about everything under the sun and some of them are very helpful, put you in touch with people who are going through similar experiences and usually cost nothing or next to nothing. If you are interested, check with your local churches.
Your letter doesn't give me much to go on, but a few ideas spring to mind and stand out for me. Forgive the idioms I am going to throw at you now such as "Where there is smoke there is usually fire". You have nothing but a bunch of emails confirming that he has, at least, tried to hook up with other women, lying to them about his relationship status, which is deceitful, arrogant, disrespectful, manipulative and very selfish. He, in fact, is setting the stage to sexually use women and they may, unknowingly, fall in to his trap. You really don't know how long all of this has been going on and how many times he has been successful in his attempts, though I would assume that he has had some modicum of success if he is playing the numbers game. I am sure that this whole thing is a game to him, nothing serious, but not something he would be willing to give up so fast and easy. A lot of men will do what they can get away with while there significant other isn't around or is unaware or in a trusting mode. I can't tell if your bf has deeper issues such as a sex addiction, but lying and secrecy accompanies all addictions. They almost can't help themselves.
I am all for giving someone a second chance if he is truly regretful, feels remorse and vows to never do the hurtful act again, but this is the time to set your boundaries. Boundaries are VERY important to preserve your own integrity. It is also very important to stick by the boundaries you make and not back down, or else you will be seen as a paper tiger and you will be stepped on and used because you will have tought him that he can do anything and you will do nothing. If you tell your BF that you are willing to give him a second chance, tell him that it will be the only chance he will get and that you will not stand for a third, a fourth or a fifth chance. There has got to be a consequence if he violates again, one that puts you out of harms way(I don't know if you have given any thought to him giving you STDs, but that is a possibility if he is having sex with others). In any case, ou are now aware, your senses are hightened, your ears are perked and your antennae are up. We women have been blessed with keen instincts. It has been my experience in life that when i listen to my instincts I virtually NEVER go wrong. I think it is the voice of GOD, guiding me. Use it to your advantage and good luck with what ever your choice is. Rachel
Hi,
I'm having some problems. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year & a half now, and I would do absolutely anything for him.
However, over the course of that time, he has done several things that he knows I'm not ok with..watching porn, talking to four ex-girlfriends behind my back, and lying to me about all of it, even when I catch him red-handed.
The excuses he gives me are that "he was bored" or that he likes "pushing the boundaries & seeing how close he can get to crossing lines."
I threatened to leave him if he kept up this behavior, because I just can't deal with it much longer. He swears that that put things in perspective for him, and that he's going to change, but I am still insanely paranoid, and don't know how I can ever trust him after all of this. I'm also still very bitter about everything, and am having a hard time not exploding and bringing things up he's done to me in the past.
On top of all this, my sex drive has basically evaporated over the last few months. A lot of it I know is just stress and tiredness- I work two jobs, and go to school full time. A typical day for me is getting up and going to school at 7, being in class until 2, and then going to work from 4-10. When I come home, I still have to mess with laundry, homework, etc. It's frustrating. However, I also know a little bit of my reluctance is because I can't trust him. I don't feel like I should give myself to someone I can't trust anymore, if that makes any sense. Sex is still an emotional process for me, and I feel like he disregards my emotions so often that it just can't happen.
Whenever I try to talk about it, he either tells me or acts like I'm wrong, laughs at me for bringing up things that happened so long ago, or tells me that he just doesn't want to talk about it, that he's going to change and just not worry about trying to prove his trustworthiness to me anymore.
I don't know what to do. I suggested therapy (I'm particuarly thinking sex therapy, since so many of those issues are also rooted in trust issues) and he was very agitated. He doesn't want to talk, he seems to think that we can just magically get over this, and he gets defensive and annoyed when I try to call him on stuff he's done thats hurt me.
I want to fix this so badly. But I don't know what else to do.
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Hi B:
The phrase that comes to mind in your case is: "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". If we are smart, we learn from history. Your bf said that he will change when you threatened to leave him and I know you want to believe him, but should you?
I know one thing for sure and that is that you MUST stick to your guns now and follow through with your threat if he doesn't change his behavior because if you don't he will know that you were bluffing and he will continue along the same path, confident that there will be no negative repercussions for him, only you will continue to be hurt. Don't ever threaten with something you have no intentions of carrying out. You need to know your boundaries and stick by them.
Trust is a very hard thing to bring back once it has been broken. The only way I know is for the perp to be totally and brutally open and transparant, willing to let you see anything i.e. emails, phone calls, text messages etc. and willing to talk about it as much as you need in order to feel safe again. Is your bf willing to put forth that kind of effort?
From your letter I assume that you are living with your bf. If you are and have such a grueling schedule, the loving and kind thing to do would be for your bf to take care of all of the household chores so that you need only consentrate on your studies. A really wonderful bf might even say, don't worry about a job while you are going to school. I'll take care of you for a while. Frankly, with your schedule, I can't see how you can even function. When do you sleep?
I know that what I am saying is probably not what you would like to hear, but from your writing I can tell that you are logical person and probably appreciate a frank reply. I hope all works out for you. Rachel
Hi,
I am not one to ask for advice often, but I need help with this one.
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year and a half though we met in highschool 25 years ago and were best friends. We lost touch for a while and reconnected recently and began dating. I am very much in love with her, but I have a problem. She became friends on MSN with one of our highschool classmates. When we were in highschool they despised each other and fought often. Now I think he has a crush on her and while he is in another country he was often writing messages on her FB wall about love and how beautiful she is etc. After a while I got fed up with all their messages and told her I didn't want to see them anymore and disconnected my own FB. She told me I was being silly because truly she only liked him as a friend. Nonetheless, I saw messages where she'd tell him I'll wait for you on MSN while I'm at work. I asked her if they had ever seen each other through MSN (he's in another country) and she said no. Nonetheless, she promised she'd stop communicating with him, while the only thing I had asked her was to keep things a little more platonic and not quite as romantic as it is obvious he's interested in her. As time passed I asked her occassionally if they had communicated and she always said no. Then I caught her lying because I saw a message she initiated on Valentine's day (in that country) sending him a "hug." Two months later she's using my laptop to read her email and her mother showed up and she left her email open. It was an account I didn't even know existed. Throughout two days I begged her to tell me the truth and then she said she only wrote him once to tell him she was engaged so he'd leave her alone. I couldn't let it go and went into the email when she wasn't looking. I found several messages. At least 2 a week for the last three months, mostly harmless. She did tell him she was engaged but she said that I was "crazy" so she'd prefer he'd contact her on that mail because it was private and I didn't know it existed. When I confroted her she got angry because I read her email. I told her everything I had seen and was very upset, sick, etc. She also made a mistake and told me they had used the camera on MSN but that she had felt bad and only spoke with him for about a second. Then why is he saying I love the way you look at me, and your smile and your lips?
After 2 days of talking about this problem I told her I was ready to leave and asked her what she wanted to do. She blocked him on this email and de-friended him on FB as she says it was a stupid thing to do and she wants to just be with me. I am heartbroken and very sad because I love her dearly (and her two kids too) and I am afraid of believing her a third time and being burned. I should say that I was married once before and was cheated on for a year before I found out. I guess what bothers me the most is that she tells me she didn't do anything wrong because she is not interested in him romantically; but if she isn't then why the lie? she says it's because she knew I'd freak out and she wanted to spare me, but in the messages she tells him how I'm nuts and jealous for no reason, etc. She has asked me to forgive her, and gave me a beautiful greeting card about wanting to grow old with me, blah, blah, blah, but it's only been a couple of days and I don't know if I can trust her. I showed a couple of articles on why lying is such a big deal and she seemed to understand but I don't know what to do...trust or no trust?
I'd love some input on this one.
Thank you.
Hi CB:
Sounds to me like your gf was enjoying the attentions she was receiving from this other friend. It is quite likely that she wasn't interested in him for any other reason, but if you made it clear to her that these communications between the two of them really bothered you, the right thing for her to do would have been to cease immediately because you are to be her future and because you are the one who supposedly means the most to her. She clearly made a mistake and touched on a sore spot in you due to your former problem of having been deceived. I can understand where you can be even more easily wounded because of that. You must decide in your own mind if it is worth giving your gf one more chance to redeem herself, in which case you should sit down with her, have a long discussion about how you feel, your insecurities about this topic and what you will and won't accept from now on. You will need to be direct with your guidelines and what will happen if they are crossed. Everyone needs boundaries in order to maintain healthy love relationships. It sounds that she may have just been playing and having fun, nothing more, but only you can decide to trust or not to trust again.
Hi Ron,
I have always had trust and jealousy issues with previous boyfriends I have had - I have been cheated on in the past and I have accused others of doing the same, or having feelings for other girls that they assure me they weren't. Regardless, I have been seeing my current boyfriend for a few months, with things getting serious only about a month ago. I have known him for years, and have also been aware of a best friend he has had (who is also female.) Just the other day, I was on his computer and came across his chat log with this other girl. I fully acknowledge that it was wrong of me to go into his chat log, but I'm glad I did. I found logs of him and her exchanging flirty words, and telling each other they love one another. He also complained about me to her in a few instances by saying "My girlfriend's mad at me again. And I don't care :)" or "She consumes every day of my life" (through texts and the like), and they have openly talked about our relationship, even though I have asked him countless times to keep it between him and I. He also confessed to her that he felt "smothered" by me, and there were hints at having sleepovers. They discussed plans to hang out, and they did.. and he didn't tell me about it. Apparantly they were in his room, on his bed, playing video games. He confessed that she held his hand for a minute, but it didn't mean anything. In the logs they talked about how flirty they had been the night they hung out. Words were also exchanged along the lines of "can I come too?" when the girl told him she was going to bed.
I have always been suspicious of my boyfriend, because he has other female friends (an overwhelming majority) but he has constantly assured me he does not want to be with any of them and that he only wants to be with me. I live in a different city, where I'm going to school.. it's about a half hour drive from my home city, where he lives. He has made the trip up to come see me and it's always been great. He has always treated me so well, and he has always reassured me that he's different than all of my ex's and that I can trust him - but then I find this? And he's been hiding this for the past few weeks.
I then received a message from the girl, and in it she says that she owes me an apology, and that she takes all the blame for what happened, and said that she had no right to say the things she did in those logs that I read. She also said that my boyfriend is her bestfriend, and she does love him. Just not in the way I could ever love him. She also stated that he feels terrible for what he did, and that I should give him a second chance. She went to the extent of saying that if I do give him a second chance, she will cut him out of her life completely and have no contact with him. She ended by saying that she thinks we should be together and that she just wants everyone to be happy.
I believe she is sincere in her apology, but I really don't know where to go from here. I don't know if I can trust him again. He did a good job of hiding this from me for this long.
I am extremely heartbroken and I need to know what to do. It's going to be extremely hard to trust him again, even though he made me feel like the most cared about and adored person in the world.
Hi Victoria:
Luckily, your relationship is still so new. At least you know early on what your bf is like. Unfortunately, it has been my experience that most men are not trustworthy when it comes to sexual issues. It has been a hard lesson for me and many other women I have come across, but men are a different animal with no regard to either effect or consequences. Their experience and even how they view and think about sex is very different from ours. Not ALL men are like this, but sadly, I believe the majority are.
Should there be second chances? Surely, but only second chances, no more and only if they take it seriously. We women tend to want to give in too much and by doing that we teach men how to treat us.
I suspect, by how you described his actions with his other girlfriend, that your bf may still be quite immature. That is also something to consider. Would I stay in such a relationship, knowing what I know today? No, but everyone has their own journey and things to learn from it. Good Luck, Rachel
Hello I am in a horrible situation I fell in love with a married woman..who was a nurse tht took care of my daughter that was involved in an accident that left her forever impaired...This lovely woman left her husband whom she claimed she never loved ...I was still emotionally and deeply devastated by my daughters accident..This woman and I feel deeply in love , the future was bright...I was so lost in the love I had for her..I didnt care about my past ..I wasnt honest about a marriage that ended in an annulment when i was wrong..I didnt tell her...Well for about a year we lived a life of love and pain..she told me she would get a divorce that never happened..I was left supporting her and her children while I was dealing with my daughters accident..I was thrust into horror and anger my daughter had been taken from me..meanwhile the woman I was in love with did everything to find dirt on me..there wasnt any ..I didnt tell her about my marriage which was annulled and that I was in the Navy..none of these things seemed important to me..wrong move on my part..After a number of fights I had her move out then back..She moved out on her own once..she didnt like the idea my daughter would need me..I guess..after enough I asked her to move out again..well she moved back into her husbands house and doesnt trust me anymore..because I broke trust..we love each other but this situation is killing me,,help
Hi Calvin:
It sounds to me that you were very emotionally vulnerable at the time you met this nurse. Perhaps she was too if it is true that she is in a loveless marriage, however, she is married, which is problematic all on its own with a huge amount of personal investment. It was not a good idea to start any kind of relationship at the time you were coping with your daughter's condition, starting a relationship with a married person was an even worse idea. My guess is that you are both transposing your emotional needs on to each other and when those needs aren't met, you have arguments and break up, which is not a good, solid foundation for a lasting relationship. You are going through emotional and maybe even financial trauma right now from which you must see yourself clear. You have to get your own life back on track before you are ready to start a "relationship". You need to be able to see the forest for the trees on your own and that requires time. Your emotions are jumbled right now. There is no possible way that joining with someone else, especially someone who has their own personal baggage, can work out. The feelings you have for this woman might feel like love to you now, but my guess is that what you are feeling is a need. If I were you, I would take some giant steps away from this lady, I wouldn't have any kind of contact with her for at least six months. In the meantime, join support groups, seek counseling at churches or find the support of good friends. This is not something you should go through alone. This is an extraordinarily hard time for you. I also think that your daughter needs your full attention..I wish you much luck, Rachel
after reading all of these pleas for help, i am rather sickened by how many of them state they checked chat logs or emails or text messages.
and you almost condone it with your experiences and by saying youve done it as well.
no wonder there is no trust in all of these relationships and im pretty shocked at the fact that you attempt to give advice on how to rebuild trust.
reading emails, and going through personal belongings is a huge breaking trust action in itself.
i believe communication is key, not prying through computers like a stalker.
you have to remember, youre the partner, not parent.
no girl or guy will ever stay in a relationship with someone that reminds them of a parent, or treats them like a teenager in high school.
I'm sorry if this is harsh I just don't think someone giving advice should condone stalking or creeping.
there is NEVER an excuse for searching items behind your partners back, regardless if you "find evidence" or not. you'll lose them either way, even if they are innocent.
my advice is simple. if you feel you cant trust someone and it makes you want to spy and creep the problem is YOU(you cant point the finger at your partner because it wouldnt matter who you are dating, you would feel the same way). and you probably shouldnt be in a relationship with anyone until you can work on your own self confidence. in the end it comes down to individual, personal low self esteem and insecurities.
Hi Gillian:
You bring up some good points. Communication is definetely the key factor in all of our relationships. It would be an idyllic world if everyone would communicate effectively and most of all, honestly with oneanother. If that were the case, there would be no insecurities. Unfortunately, there are too many people who have no regard for their partner's feelings, have no sense of propriety or integrity leading to actions such as lying and infidelity. The resulting erosion of trust can be tremendously devasting for a long time and can even infringe upon future relationships. The breaching of trust leads to self doubt and self esteem issues for the person being lied to. The Love/Trust connectedness runs very deep.
There are people who would rather not know if something of this nature was going on behind their backs and that is fine, however dangerous it may be with the STD pandemic that we are experiencing. If one partner suspects that they are being lied to and perhaps cheated on and there is no other way of finding out the truth but to check their emails, I can certainly understand the compulsion to do so. Although checking someone's mail is not proper, neither is lying and cheating. You might say, two wrongs don't make a right and this is true. It is a very slippery slope when one practices to deceive. I might add that people who trust oneanother and have an open, honest relationship rarely have secrets and never mind the other seeing their personal items. If there is nothing to hide, why would they mind?