Repairing broken trust in a relationship can be very difficult. Many times the reason for the broken trust stems from infidelity or broken promises and these violations within a relationship can virtually destroy it. If you and your partner are committed to working through it though, you will find that your relationship can become stronger than ever.
Before any trust can be rebuilt you must address how and/or why it was broken in the first place. This is the time for brutal honesty. A complete confessional of how the trust was broken should only be done when you are both ready to hear it. Heartfelt apologies should be offered with indications of remorse and promises to not violate the trust again.
There is a massive amount of stress on your relationship once the trust has been broken. Reconciliation can happen first. This happens when both you and your partner make an agreement to work on the issues and rebuild the trust and the relationship. Reconciliation usually has to happen before forgiveness. It also indicates that you are invested in salvaging the relationship and not giving up on it. In many cases it will be up to the person that violated the trust to initiate reconciliation.
The most difficult task is then to forgive. It is never easy to forgive, but if you continue to hold on you will constantly live in a state of rage or anger. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you excuse abusive behavior. It does mean that you are able to work towards letting go of the past. Relationship experts suggest starting with forgiving your partner for their weakness. Your partner also needs to be ready to be forgiven and accept the consequences of their actions.
Sit down with your partner and reevaluate your goals. Remind each other what your priorities are and what unifies your life together. Sometimes a vocal or written commitment to the relationship is a good place to start. Try to avoid setting up conditions of forgiveness.
Getting outside help is strongly recommended. Make an appointment for the two of you to sit down with a relationship counselor. This should be a safe environment for both of you to be honest about how the trust has been damaged or lost. These counselors will have steps for you to go through that will help repair any damage, or in the worst cases, help you to safely walk away from each other.
rachel:
i agree with some of the things you point out. and i totally understand your last statement of if there is nothing to hide, why would they mind. HOWEVER there is a difference between asking to see those things, and just flat out doing. if my girlfriend asked to see my emails or even asks me who i am texting is one thing, i would be willing;but if i caught her going through my phone or hacking my computer is a different story. if you ask it seems as though you just have a curious mind, yet if you do it "shady-style" it seems as though youre searching for dirt.
Hi Gillian:
That is where transparancy comes in. Good, honest, loving relationships have a transparancy component to them that is missing in those that have trust problems. When two people really want to work on getting back on track, then to agree on transparancy would mean that both would be privy to all that goes on in the other's life and in any form that takes i.e. emails, post, texting, phone conversations and the like. They, in effect, mimmic good relationships and eventually trust returns because both see there is nothing to hide.
Ron,
My fiance and I have been together for 2 years and we have a 2 month old baby boy. Throughout our relationship he has lied to me constantly about other women, mainly his ex fiance. One day I found him pleasuring himself to her old naked pictures. He has also visited his ex wifes house during an arguement and lied to me and told me he was going to a friends to cool off. He was recently deployed and after he returned home I found out that he was emailing several women including his ex fiance. I am angry, hurt, and have so many insecurities now because of all of these lies. I personally feel like I'm not enough for him. I want this relationship to work, but don't want to get married until we get passed this. I understand I need to forgive him, but I am having a hard time. I think about what he says to these other women and it sends me into an outrage. I check his emails and his phone...several times a day. His ex fiance constantly emails him telling him how much she misses him. I can't help but be insecure and being insecure makes me angry. How do I get passed this? We fight about this constantly and I don't trust him what so ever. The trust is so broken that I don't believe him when he tells me he loves me. It's been about 5 months since he's done anything that i'm aware of. In that 5 months he has proposed and we had our baby boy. I want to believe he has finally changed, but I can't help but have doubts and I definitely can't let it go. I want to be with him, but I am still so angry about everthing that I still get moody with him and we end up fighting about the same old things. How do I get passed the issues? How do I learn to forgive him?
Okay, so, me and my boyfriend have been dating for well over a year now, and I love him dearly, but you can probably assume, seeing as I posted a message on here, that we are having trust issues.
It all stems back to a few months after we started dating, I cheated. After that, we separated for a while, but we just couldn't stay away from eachother and ended up getting back together. I promised I would never do it again, and I've kept that promise. We were on/off for a while after that (our relationship has never been simple, and i blame myself for that, because I ruined it in the beginning). I admit, I have lied to him after that, but never cheated. Recently, I have not lied. I want to be the best I can for him, but I feel it's too late for me to earn his trust back, seeing as he doesn't even believe the truth anymore. He always accuses me of things I haven't/would never do, and thinks I'm off with other guys, and that I don't want him anymore. It hurts a lot, feeling bad for things that aren't true, but I feel like I deserve it.
He tells me he's always had bad trust issues, and I want to try to help him, even though I don't think I can. It makes me feel helpless.
We've been struggling to make things work since I cheated, which isn't surprising, but it hasn't gotten better at all. I broke off contact with the guy I cheated on him with, I've stopped contact with other people (mostly guys), just because he didn't like them or just felt uncomfortable with me talking to them. I pretty much gave up my social life. I never go out and do things anymore. If I'm not with him, I'm at home doing nothing, which is hurting me emotionally, but whenever I go out, he accuses me of being with someone else and doesn't talk to me. So, this fact has caused me to lie before. I didn't want to deal with him getting upset with me, so I lied. I know it was wrong, but thats what I did. He found out. He was so upset with me, then I told him that sometimes I just can't be honest with him. This hit him hard, and I regret saying it, because it made him even more suspicious.
Also, the fact that he has these weird double standards just upsets me. Example: He always gets upset when I text when I'm with him, so I started putting my phone on silent and putting it in my purse so he felt better, but he texts all the time when he's with me. I mean ALL the time. It makes me mad, but I don't say anything. He does things he doesn't want me to do. His jealousy goes as far as not talking to me when I go visit my sick dad that lives an hour away. We always end up fighting when i go, so it makes me not want to go, which has caused me and my dad and me and my sister to stop talking. I love my dad and my sister and they both think I don't care about them anymore...
I always give him the option to come with, but he always says he doesn't want to come or has some excuse not to go.
Also, he likes to look through my phone. I never do that... I don't know if I act that suspicious or if he's just that paranoid. I just wish he knew that I've changed, and he's all I want. But since he doesn't he's just pushing me away. Farther and farther, and now, not an hour ago, he gave me the option of continuing to try to work things out or just call it quits.
I love him, but I'm wondering if this is even fixable anymore. I'm so tired of fighting and of feeling like the bad guy. When is it okay for me to stop feeling guilty for what I did? When is it okay for him to stop treating me like property, and to relax a little? I've been a good girl, but he doesn't believe me...
And just to note, we do have a lot of good times. We are very passionate and loving with eachother when we're together, usually, even after being together for a while.
Thanks for listening.
-Alex
A little over a year ago I met up with an ex girlfriend at a bar and we had a very inappropriate conversation. She ended up kissing me as I left the bar and we were hoping to see each other before i left the area. We continued to send e-mails to each other and some were inappropriate but it sounded like i was physically cheating on her. I know I didnt but now My wife says I am a liar and doesnt believe me on anything. I told her a lie and that something physical happened then i felt guilty and told her that it was a lie a few days later and that i only did that so that she could have what she wanted and we could try to move on from there. She is still mad and still does not believe that al we had was a very inappropriate conversation. I love my wife very much and would do anyting for her and my children. I just want her to trust me again after 7 years of marriage. I need to know how to build that trust. i have suggested couples therapy but I cant go until August at least. I just need to know what I need to do she says she loves me and I love her.
Thanks for your time
chris
Hi Chris:
A little over a year ago is when you say you met up with your ex girlfriend and you have had email contact, some of it being inappropriate, if I am understanding this correctly. You didn't mention how long the email contact with your x persisted, but I am assuming not very long after your meeting, which would mean that your wife still doesn't trust after as long as a year. I can understand your wife's feelings and the pain that your actions must have caused, however, no one is perfect. We all have weaknesses at different times in our lives and I believe we should be given a second chance as long as the hurtful behavior doesn't reoccur. Remind your wife that trusting someone is a choice, the same as having faith is making a choice to believe in God. Tell her that although you experienced a time of weakness a year ago, you were strong enough to not let it go beyond a kiss because of the love you feel for your wife. I think couples therapy would be a very positive step in the right direction. I applaud you, being the man, to suggest this since most men shun any kind of counseling. Just make sure it is the right counselor. Some are very good, others not. I hope your wife will come to realize that you are sincere in your tries in making your relationship with her whole again. Good Luck...
Hey this is to Richard.....I dont know if you resolved the situation with your wife on the matter of the internet situation. I do want to tell you that my b/f just recently hacked into my yahoo account because he had doubts about something and wanted to clear them from his mind.
What he did to our trust by invading my privacy like that cannot be changed. And the constant questions and doubt thats been created between us since just is crazy.
You need to stop,,,,,,if shes gona screw around your not gona stop her. Trust in the fact that shes faithful and if something happens then it does. What if's dont do any of us any good and the constant betrayal of her trust by playing detective is pushing her further away than she probably was to begin with.
Although you said that your giving her what she wants, affection attention etc..you also took that positive feeling that comes along with that, away with the diggin into what shes doing on a constant basis.
Focus on the fact that if your meant to be it will be, and better the strong points in your relationship!!!
Im still working on my anger, as what my bf did just infuriated the living you know what out of me. I feel for both of you guyz!!!
Good luck!!
About 6 months ago, my fiance's ex girlfriend contacted him on MySpace with an extremely inappropriate solicitation. My fiance assumed she was drunk, told me about the message and ignored it. The next day, she sent another message. He responded "How drunk are you as you write this stuff? I don't know what's going on but maybe we could talk." She wrote back - Offer's still on, Holler back if you're serious about meeting up. He told her that while flattered, he is in a relationship and he didn't want to ruin what he and I have or what she has with HER HUSBAND - yes, she's married(and was pregnant at the time). She responed not to worry, she could set everything up so that no one would find out and gave him the time and place to come see her. My fiance told me about the message, ignored it and didn't go to meet her. She kept soliciting him (and my fault in this is that after she asked him to meet her, I checked his messages to see if she was still contacting him). She was so I called her work, it was the only number I had, and told her to back off - he's with someone else and has made his choice. She then emailed him the next day and told him how psychotic I am for calling her at her workplace and harassing her and that if he wasn't interested he should have just said no in the first place.
I did agree with what she said about how he should have just said no, rather than ignoring her and keeping the option out there (in my opinion). And when I told him this, he told me he didn't do anything wrong, I'm the one to blame because I went and looked at his messages and the only thing he is sorry about is that I invaded his privacy and now I have to deal with it.
Well....that all ran it's course and yesterday, God only knows why, I got this feeling there was something I didn't know...so, again, I logged into his account. Sure enough - a message from him to her saying: "I sure hope you aren't still mad at me for how everything went down a few months back. It was good to see you ....you looked so good." My heart sank. It appeared he had seen her and not told me. So, I read her response which said she was not mad and that it was really good to see him too but she hadn't planned to write because his girlfriend is psycho and will trip out!"
So I asked him where he saw her and he said "What?" I said it again and he said "Yea, I saw her, what about it? I said, dont you think that's something you would normally tell me? He said No, I don't have to tell you everything. I said where did you see her. (Silence) I said Well, where? He said at the store. I said, really....I can't beleive you never mentioned it. He said, I forgot, Jill. I said BS - if you forgot you wouldn't have emailed her afterward. By the way, which store....again, silence....I said "What you dont know which store?" He said "Circle K - why does it matter? You going to follow me down there whenever I might be in the area....
My question: How do I accept the responsibility for my part in accessing his account without letting him dismiss his actions because of how I found out. He says, if I trusted him I wouldnt be looking and wouldn't know this. So my other question is, why doesn't he want me to know....is there more than just a chance meeting at store here?
Thank you!
JP
About 6 months ago, my fiance's ex girlfriend contacted him on MySpace with an extremely inappropriate solicitation. My fiance assumed she was drunk, told me about the message and ignored it. The next day, she sent another message. He responded "How drunk are you as you write this stuff? I don't know what's going on but maybe we could talk." She wrote back – Offer's still on, Holler back if you're serious about meeting up. He told her that while flattered, he is in a relationship and he didn't want to ruin what he and I have or what she has with HER HUSBAND – yes, she's married(and was pregnant at the time). She responed not to worry, she could set everything up so that no one would find out and gave him the time and place to come see her. My fiance told me about the message, ignored it and didn't go to meet her. She kept soliciting him (and my fault in this is that after she asked him to meet her, I checked his messages to see if she was still contacting him). She was so I called her work, it was the only number I had, and told her to back off – he's with someone else and has made his choice. She then emailed him the next day and told him how psychotic I am for calling her at her workplace and harassing her and that if he wasn't interested he should have just said no in the first place.
I did agree with what she said about how he should have just said no, rather than ignoring her and keeping the option out there (in my opinion). And when I told him this, he told me he didn't do anything wrong, I'm the one to blame because I went and looked at his messages and the only thing he is sorry about is that I invaded his privacy and now I have to deal with it.
Well….that all ran it's course and yesterday, God only knows why, I got this feeling there was something I didn't know…so, again, I logged into his account. Sure enough – a message from him to her saying: "I sure hope you aren't still mad at me for how everything went down a few months back. It was good to see you ….you looked so good." My heart sank. It appeared he had seen her and not told me. So, I read her response which said she was not mad and that it was really good to see him too but she hadn't planned to write because his girlfriend is psycho and will trip out!"
So I asked him where he saw her and he said "What?" I said it again and he said "Yea, I saw her, what about it? I said, dont you think that's something you would normally tell me? He said No, I don't have to tell you everything. I said where did you see her. (Silence) I said Well, where? He said at the store. I said, really….I can't beleive you never mentioned it. He said, I forgot, Jill. I said BS – if you forgot you wouldn't have emailed her afterward. By the way, which store….again, silence….I said "What you dont know which store?" He said "Circle K – why does it matter? You going to follow me down there whenever I might be in the area….
My question: How do I accept the responsibility for my part in accessing his account without letting him dismiss his actions because of how I found out. He says, if I trusted him I wouldnt be looking and wouldn't know this. So my other question is, why doesn't he want me to know….is there more than just a chance meeting at store here?
Thank you!
JP
Hi JP:
Ah, a woman's intuition at work again...You didn't trust the situation and you were right. Someone with nothing to hide would not be as defensive and evasive as your fiance is about the x-girlfriend situation. Perhaps it was wrong to check his messages, however, it was wrong of him to be less than honest with you. This could be the slippery slope to an untrustworthy relationship if you don't nip it in the bud right now. I would have a talk with my fiance if I were you and spell out exactly the way things will have to run from now on (set your boundaries now and stick by them). I would say that he is wellcome to view any emails or face book messges of yours at any time night or day, but that you would require the same of him. I would say that if he really is serious about marriage then things would have to be completely above board at all times. Frankly, if he wouldn't agree to those terms I would give very serious thought about tying the knot with him. This x-girlfriend of his seems to be quite a pistol, being married, pregnant and messing around with other men in a seruptitious way behind everyone's back. You are right not to trust that situation. We all know that there are more than a fiew unscrupilous women out there. What would bother me in all of this is that he is not rejecting her advances, which would lead me to believe that whenever the opportunity presents itself again in the future, the same scenario would be played out. Be careful...and good luck...
Rachel
THANK YOU!!...but,
I was afraid you would say that. I do know he told me everything during the first go-round....He told her he did not want to jeopardize either of their current relationships - but she wanted that secret meeting, which he did not go to....but didn't approach her about it - He just ignored it and according to him that was for her to get the hint but we know it could be to keep options open....
Not telling me was a big mistake and emailing her after the run-in is suspicious to me. How can I get him to understand that yes, what I did was wrong AND he was wrong to. All he sees is I invaded his privacy when he was talking to a friend. I need some strong, assertive statements to stand on, while still not being accusatory because he'll just return to my part in the situation, and the fact that we wouldn't be in this mess if I had kept my nose out of it. Yea, right!!
JP,
If you wouldn't have snooped you wouldn't have known that your fiance was seeing his x-girlfriend behind your back. If he considers this a "mess" then its of his own doing. If you would have asked him if he had seen her, would he have told you the truth? I think not. I think men generally underestimate the power of women's intuition. We sense when something is wrong and most women will want to see for themselves if their feelings are valid. If when you talk to your fiance he keeps returning to your part in it, tell him that you felt that this was the only way you felt you could find out the truth and that you wouldn't have snooped at all if he were being up-front and honest about it with you in the first place. There is no "privacy" in marriage. If there is, there is suspicion. In a healthy relationship EVERYTHING is out in the open, no secrets, what you see is what you get. I believe that your fiance is hiding more than he lets on. I may be wrong, but I'm sorry to say that experience tells me otherwise. You need to know what you will and will not live with and spell it out for him under no uncertain terms. This is important since your future is at stake.
Rachel,
I wouldn't have asked if he saw her, because it wouldn't have crossed my mind. He honestly thinks it is no big deal but he does now see why I think it is. I read him both of our entries and he as very quiet through the whole thing. It really helped to have him see it from another perspective, and know I wasn't convincing a friend to be on my side. Im not sure I agree with you about him hiding things because he really is an open book and we are ALWAYS together - work together, share a car, eat together etc etc. so I'm not worried about that.
What do you say to people who battle over the "I still need my privacy" deal? I understand, people need time for themselves and perhaps journals are very personal thoughts but I don't think diaries of events, daily activities, family dreams/goals should be private matters and they certainly shouldn't include mystery about who ate lunch or dinner with who that day. How do you adress this in a way that shows you are not being posessive and it's not that you dont trust your partner - for example for me, I just want my fiance' and I to be healthy, emotionally close and intimate. I dont want to check up on him but I do want to be able to support and care for him and sometimes, we need to get involved in their private stuff to do that.
I am so glad I found your site and appreciate all of your insight and wisdom. If I had said those things, they wouldn't have been received as well (at least not so quickly) I can't thank you enough for helping us learn form this seemingly minute incident but potentially DANGEROUS DISASTER!!!
Jill:
I am glad that you are working things through with your fiance and that I may have been of some assistance. I am, however, merely a respondent to this venue, seemingly one of the fiew. This is not my site, nor do I have a degree in psychology. The only thing I can offer is years of experience and wisdom of age.
I was once very naiive about men. I used to think that they were just like us, but found out that they think differently, feel differently (often not nearly as deeply as women)and they experience the same situations differently than we do, especially those experiences involving sex. For instance, I have learned that most men are able to look at sex as purely recreational with absolutely no attachment to the person they are having sex with and are quick to "stretch the truth" about such experiences when they are in supposed "committed" relationships where it is understood that having sex outside the relationship is unacceptable. Some women do that too, but for the most part mother nature has imbued in us selectivity. Because we are maternal, we must first have an established relationship from which sex builds. Monogamy means more to us because we need the man to stick around for our children to protect and defend. We may not be the weaker sex, but we are, at times, more vulnerable, especially when we have children. This knowledge has made me see men in a different light, not worse, just different. I am more cautious as to what I will and will not believe and to whom I will gift my trust.
Regarding your question about "privacy", frankly, I would not know what to say about that, but I do know what I would feel. Again, a good relationship is completely above board, no secrecy. If my partner insisted on his "privacy" I would feel locked out of a part of his life. I would forever be wondering what he is keeping from me. That is not to say that people shouldn't have their personal space and that some time apart, once in a while, is a good thing.
I will leave you with one parting comment, which has helped me a lot in the past. Don't worry about issues you have no control over. We have no control over what anyone else thinks, says or does, including those closest to us. Take things at face value...You do have control over what YOU think, feel and say.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years. We have an amazing connection which lately has been dying. We are supposed to be getting engaged soon but I have been having second thoughts. How do I know we are getting engaged? We have talked about it and to make long story short I saw the wedding band because he wanted to make sure i like the color since it was a matching set.
Little background: We have had plenty of trust problems but worked through most. In beginning he would sometimes drive home drunk and start fights to go out drinking or just to smoke a ciggerette. He had a bad temper and would break things at this time because of the alcohol adding to it and he already had anger controlling issues. He worked on his anger by going to anger management classes to help himself. he did not do this on his own. The drinking and driving didnt cease. (he had DUI years before we dated) Eventually I gave him ultimatum after all things did not work that we tried. He chose alcohol over me and about a week later found me at a park he knew I was running/reading at and came crying and told me he a problem. I came back and we developed a twice a week drinking agreement so he did not completely have to cut out drinking since he likes it and he could control himself. Our relationship had full trust for several months. I knew after a bit that he was smoking ciggerettes even though he said he quit. I thought it was rediculous that he needed to lie to me but he knew I left ex once for finding out they smoked pot. (there was many more things involved than that but my current bf saw only that reason) So he was scared if he told me he was lying, id leave. After asking and waiting a month or two of his lying then one day I told him i was leaving. We have been living together for a little over 2 years. we were friends before we dated.
His family and used to have a great relationship. I would go over on my own and see his mom and talk for hours. Eventually he just kept running to them so much when we had fights and telling them everything that now 2 years later i do not see his family and i cant stand his sister and brother (they have vile nasty tempers and act very immature and love to send ill tempered text messages to me that were very hurtful and his brother threatened to hurt me, all because this past year he wanted to go out on thanksgiving to drink with them and i didnt want him to because 1) i was driving home to surprise him and was almost home and 2) it would violate our agreement which happens so often now
Lately he has been breaking the trust agreement more and more, drinking more and more while out instead of 2-3 beers he will up the alcohol percentage if he drinks less or drink more of them if it lower like a 6 pack in couple hours. and a shot.
He was caught lying about smoking again and i asked several times for a month again and each time bold faced lie. Till one day i took lighter from his car and his spare key and then watched and a matchbook replaced the lighter in side of his door so i knew he was smoking for sure and i left the anniversary card on his driver seat and a note saying we need to talk i know you have been lying about smoking. After that was worked out he said he wanted me to catch him so bad because he had been feeling so bad and guilty. I know how hard it is to smoking, i dont like him lying to me. He is 25 and has been smoking since 11 years old sadly so.
Some things he has done to rebuild trust for a while was telling me who was with and what time he will be home and coming home at decent hours before 1am. If i ask him has he smoked that day he tells me yes or no.
On a tuesday i found out college lab is closed at night so i could spend time with him and told him so, he told me that normally his day out would be tuesday (that is one of his weekly drinking nights out with sis/bro and/or friends) but since i have off he will just go out thursday night since i am in classes. I dont get to see him much lately because of my college classes. Tuesday, thursday he would ask what am i trying to do? (referring to following tuesday off) friday when i called him after my morning class at 10am he asked me again and i said i was hoping to spend some time with the bf i love. He replied back that he already asked his sister out and was taking her out since he missed bday friday (because he already drank tuesday and wednesday that week his choice and he wouldnt go see her on friday if he couldnt drink) well i got upset and angry and told him i had to go. we didnt talk or see each other really after that because we were avoiding each other i suppose and saturday he went out drinking anyway and then sunday morning came my nasty text messages
Recently (two months ago) i found a bra strap in center console of his car, just messing around bored while he was in the bank. bored and slighty nosy. It was underneath a lot of stuff hidden on very bottom under a paper. he is very absent minded and leaves notes for himself about things. he says he didnt remember where it came from or whose it was. Normally throughout almost three years i never htought he would rip but that day i found it for some reason it was like an immediate punch in the gut and my heart was ripped out of my chest. i have always been in tune with my feelings and i did talk to him about it that day. we got into a fight and he was extremely defensive and even turned the blame on me for even being suspicious of him cheating. If i ask him about he gets really defensive.
This added on top of the lying about smoking and breaking our drinking agreement has our trust pretty much diminished. I got so angry i wrote him about 20 text messages on sunday telling him how i felt and it was not calm and collected as i wanted to be. they were not nice. I was disrespectful and hurtful on purpose. nasty as that sounds. you have to understand that i am one of the nicest people you will ever meet but given enough pain, anger, hurt, and pushing i can be nasty and mean. i told him i cant be with him and marry someone like this.
Today is the tuesday we were supposed to hang out but he will be going out with his sister and i am the college doing work and typing this letter.
We got into a fight yesterday when i got off work early and came home and we ran into each other. He naturally tried talking to me because he loved me and i was being stubborn and trying to to stick to me leaving. He told me watching me hurt makes him hurt so bad even if he doesnt show it and that he loves me. During the fight he told me that something about me makes him lie to me. he spent some time talking to his mom on phone talking about a place to live. since i had said i was leaving of course. before he left for work he wanted to talk to me again and tell me he loved me and kiss me on my head he said one last time because it was important for him. It made me break down and cry really hard of course. The part about him saying something about me makes him lie to me made me think perhaps i need to change soemthing about myself. Perhaps i overreact a certain way that makes him lie to me. My friend told me she used to lie to her ex about smoking because one day he caught her and went ballistic on her and she wouldnt tell him after that to avoid the way he acted the first time. I started to think and let myself relax. I told him through texts that i wanted to talk to him and that i had idea to fix it. I will not see him till next week because tuesday night was my only time to see him this week. So i told him to think about this week whether he can stick to a 2 week agreement for drinking (there is some leeway for special occasions but i feel he just keeps finding them) he is drinking currently 15 days out of 31 days of march. he will not be drinking tomorrow he said. I told him to think about whether he wants to quit smoking or if he wants that in his life because i dont want to be with a smoker and watch him die of lung disease or heart disease at early age from it or have children with him and have them lose him early because he wouldnt quit ciggerettes. Now before all this blew up we had an agreement, yes, lol anohter one, it helps build trust for us, that if i exercise twice a week that he would 1) go to doctor for pills or something to make him quit smoking or help him and 2) go to dentist to finish his root canal. both of those have killed our kissing contact because i am allergic to smoke and think it is such a turn off in his mouth the way it tastes and the the thought of a rotting hole in his tooth turns me off to putting my tongue in there. sorry to sound so blunt and vulgar but that is how i had to explain it.
I also told him to think about whether he likes the week without me in his life and wants it to continue like that. He needs to be the one who is needing something since he cant keep to our compromise agreements. i need things too in order to be happy. Lesser drinking agreement keeps me happy and him not smoking would do wonders for our relationship. he would taste better, id be able to be next to him without having breathing problems, he would smell much better, i dont care about hte money part even though we are broke, and he would be easier to deal with because he wouldnt be so nasty and moody all the time.
I just looked up trust exercises and such. I read the relationship help books (he did a dr.phil one with me but didnt finish it all the way, did quite a lot until last chapter of reconciliation) I am usually the one looking for help things and what not. I wish he was but that is what i accept that he doesnt because i will do whatever to save us even if i am the only looking for help. He puts in the effort if i find the equation or puzzle pieces to help fix it.
He went to see his mom last night as i mentioned somewhere lol and this morning he told me last night suddenly he remembered where bra strap came from cuz he zoned out at his moms house and remembered. he says his sister had it from god knows where and was telling him she was going to hang it on his mirror with her picture and he told her no and after she left the car he stuffed it in the console (extremely neated folded of course since he is like that personality wise) That is who i knew he put it there by the way. The almost ocd like folding. He has that in his personality. Very military like kept but no military experience.
I do not fully believe that. I feel his mom and he might have come up with that story or he suddenly made it up. i also feel it could be real but my gut feeling is saying no something is not right but that could be insecurity from him lying and trust not being there. Reading the Compulsive liar forums that sounded exactly like my situation did not help either. They all were same story that led up to cheating husband or wife or significant other.
what is best way for us to get around this? should we or let it go? We both love each other very much so. I am sorry this was so long. It had to be informative so you know the details and what is going on.
Thank you so much ahead of time for your help.
Hi Bethany Ann:
I tell it like I see it and I don't minimize to save feelings. I hope you understand that what I am about to say is certainly not what you want to hear, but here it goes...
Unless you are the kind of person who enjoys bad drama and emotional and financial trauma for the rest of your life, get out of this relationship in a hurry. Run for your life because this man will never change!!!!! He has addiction problems and is most definitely an alcoholic already. You are mothering him, trying to make things right, but you will never be able to control who he is or what he does. Don't believe it when he sais that something about you "makes" him lie. No one can "make" anyone do anything. He is trying to lay his guilt on you.If I can give you just one little bit of advise that you will heed and take away with you it would be: "If you don't like who the man in your life is or what he does, then for heaven's sake, don't marry him! He will NOT change and you can't change him!" So many young women seem to think that the men in their lives will change because they love them, but they won't. In your case, I see things just getting worse and worse and since he has a temper to boot it can become a very dangerous situation for you. Look at his family and where he comes from. Is this the kind of environment you want to be subjecting yourself to and not to mention, your future children? Do you think he would make a good father, always drunk? Do you see him as a good provider, gentle and kind? Your letter screems DANGER...Look out for yourself, this is not good...
I didnt reread my letter but i think i gave wrong impression. He is not always drunk and certainly not near me. His temper has withered down to the occasional yell and maybe he slap the counter. That is only reason i had stayed. progress and showing me he was continually working on it or else i would have never looked back.
I know that i cannot control him. I simply try to help him make better decisions and if he doesnt do it and if i never saw it on his own i would have left ages ago. most of his heavy drinking and temper was within only first part of our relationship. then he got help and whatnot and lessened his drinking. Out of the times he drinks now the 15 days i would say maybe 4 he gets drunk if that. I think he is tipsy about 6 of them. I agree with that "makes him lie" part but i did look up from other therapists that they said my behavior and reactions have plenty of fault there if just yell or threaten to leave or overreact.
As for his family. Disfunctional. Damaged goods. High rate of divorce. his mother is in extremely damaged marriage. cheated on first husband. A lot of alcoholism or to say the least heavier drinking.
As for my children, no i worry about them being with that family. He is gentle and very kind to children. Kids are in love with him. He is very good and gentle with them. His friend has a child who adores him. he is only telling cutesy stories about htem reading together and whatnot. He has and never will raise a hand to me. I can slap him as hard as i want in the face and he will not ever fight back. Not that i do that. I did slap him one time like that when i first started dating him. He had been drinking and called me a really degrading name. He never did it again. he was so ashamed and guilt ridden on his own. not by me.
I dont know if that changes your opinion or advise. i wanted to clarify that.
Just to clarify again. i reread it. I dont think i made him sound liek a monster to call for such a response as that. lol. I do agree with quite a few of your points. He has not drove home drunk or started fights to drink in over 2 years. he deserves some credit.
He has done an extreme amount of effort to change himself and be a better person. That is why i stayed.
His bad temper has fizzled out. he just has a normal one like the rest of us. again this was two years ago he had the breaking of things with alcohol involved bad temper thign.
he usually drinks tuesdays (he leave house around 5 and goes to his friends twenty minutes away, has 2 or 3 beers. hangs there till 9 goes to bar until 12 and has 2 or 3 more beers and sometimes a shot. then comes home by 1230.
Lately he has been adding a day to the week though. Not all day.
My friend has pointed out some things i needed to clarify for people cause some things were confusing and made him sound a way i didnt want or they didnt know what i was talking about. i hope this helps a bit. Please reread them and let me know your response. thank you kindly.
Are you the therapist? I thought only Ron was?
Ron, please reply when you get a chance. thank you.
Oh the last time Ron wrote was Oct 9, 2007. Lol i guess he made this and just stopped replying.
Beth Ann:
There sure is plenty of talk and concern about alcohol in your writing. It is clear to me that you are trying to control his drinking. If your bf is not an alcoholic already, he is well on his way. He has an addictive personality and eventually the alcohol will dictate his behavior. If he has the tendency to have a temper, the alcohol may cause him to act out this side of his personality. Many alcoholics become abusive, which they may not have become without alcohol.
It sounds as though you are not ready to face facts and will have to experience them for yourself. I am not a therapist and I can't speak for Ron, but I can usually see the big picture in relationships pretty clearly and I can see that you are setting yourself up for a lot of heart ache. Good luck, my friend...
I agree with almost completely. The only part i do not is that i am not ready to face the facts. if i wasnt then i would not have given ultimatum and packed my stuff last time it was bad. I would not be on stop of drinking like i am now and have been for over two years. He has a steady flow for two years. It has only been recent. And believe me, there is a very watchful eye on it. He claims he is never going back to that for himself mainly and for me.
That is why we set up the the agreement we have. If he continues to break it after this or says he wants to keep it as is, i will be packing up and moving out permanantly no take backs. I am working on a doctorate in chemistry. I do not have time for this in my life if it continutes. If abuse would ever rear its ugly head from him i would tase him and tie him up and then pack my stuff and go. I would pack everything while is at work, store and go apartment hunting. And yes i am trying to control his drinking as he is also. and yes he does have an addictive personality. you nailed that right on the head. he knows it, i know it, and a lot of others.
Ive seen his changes personally so i know what he can do. i have no doubt in his ability to do so but i think he is just not wanting to do it. It will not be long more than month till i move if there is no progress. Even if i love him, i am not getting any younger and i would like to eventually have children. i would like to be working towards a developement with a man who i can have children with. if i dont see that, im out of there. Im not waiting around.
Bethany Ann:
Glad to hear that you have set limits. Stick by them and don't waiver...
Rachel
Thank you Rachel. I have always had limits. Otherwise I would be stepped all over like a lot of people. I would not be working towards a college degree in Chemistry if I was a person to be walked on. lol. There is a massive brain in my head. It does get used, not abused. :) that should be a slogan somewhere lol
dear ron
me and my girlfriand have been going out for 2 years there now and we have had a few fights and in the fights she has taken that i have called her a bad mother out of context and now she has become very cold and shows no affection towards me i want this relationship to work but i have no idea what to do without the love and afeection i fell like an empty shell
Hi Skinner:
Good communication is always key to any relationship. It sounds that you didn't mean to make your gf think that she was a bad mother, or maybe you said something to that effect because you were angry during some argument you both had. In any case, this is something you can overcome and something she should be able to forgive. My suggestion, keep showing her in all the ways you can think of that you love her and cherish her and eventually this will blow over. No one is perfect...
Rachel
An exceptionally valuable post. Thank you for the post!
keep going on.
i have been with my boyfriend for a year and 2 months. There has been alot of trust problems in our relationship. I have lied to him about talking to other guys and i know he does the same. I have not been able to get over the fact that like 8 months ago i caught him with his ex and he says that it wasnt true. Well she told me that they had slept together. And he told me they didnt . i had a mental breakdown after that. he told me he loved me very much and wanted to start over. i believed him. everythign went really good there for awhile. he had caught me texting one of my ex's about 5 months ago and i had plans to go see him . i never thought about having sex with him but you never know what could happen. Well he had found out about the while situation and he almost left me. ever since then there has been major trust issues between us. we can't trust one another . i mean i trust him for the most part but as long as he isnt around his ex im alright. so last weekend i went to my best friends campout for her birthday and we were all drinking and having a good time. he didnt like it that i was out there but he accepted it. well when i came home everything was i guess okay ...but he was still upset. One night when he was at work a guy came in there and said that i was trying to get all over him and trying to make out with him. well i hadnt even started drinking yet when he was there. and my bf freak out. well he found out that , that guy lied. but he still broke up with me bc he can't trust me. how do i fix this. i love him and don't want to loose him.
Dear Lonely_Girl:
If you want to be trusted you must first be trustworthy. From your writing, neither one of you are. Unless you both are really serious about your relationship and both of you really want to make this work, it won't happen. You must make a pact that from now on EVERYTHING will be above board, no more secrecy and no more lies and stick to it. In time you will learn to trust oneanother again, but it will take a great deal of patience and peserverance on both parts. Part of this commitment would probably also have to include no more getting drunk at parties and hanging out with people who do. If you have the maturity to handle all of that, more power to you.
Rachel
Dear Ron Z:
My partner and I have been in a relationship for almost a decade which has been filled with love, care, and with communication problems. Two of those years have been long distance, with stress and uncertainty about our future. My partner proposed a few days after a heated arguement. He truly surprised me! I accepted with joy, with some hesitation, and understanding that we needed to work on having healthier communication, clearer boundaries, and acceptance of each other. After a recent arguement I returned my engagement ring and regretted it immediately. I was very stressed out and really needed him to be present and participate in planning our wedding. He was present for a day and then unavailable for the next day. I really love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I did not mean to hurt him. I realized I made a mistake and apologized profusely. He has accepted my apology but will not forgive me. He says he is ready to move on and will not give me an opportunity to rebuild with him. He does not trust me anymore. He feels disrespected and I understand how he feels. While I totally understand he is hurt, and needs space I don't understand why he wants to walk away from all we have. We have agreed to give each other space for a few months and share what we each want then. This seems like a good idea, but it can go either way and I may be left to dry in the end. I don't know what to do. I am scared to lose the love of my life. Your advise would mean a lot to me. Thanks. Love In Waiting
Dear LOve in Waiting:
A decade is a long time. From the little that you wrote about your relationship it appears that you seem to overreact. Men are generally not in to anything to do with weddings, planning, decorating etc.. To return the ring purely because he was not involved enough was silly. You understand the mistake and are now sorry for it, however, how many other times has this kind of reaction occured over trivial matters. It sounds to me that if you both are still committed in to making this thing work out, you both have to seek counseling on how to effectively communitcate with one another. There are self help books too on such subjects. Dr. Phil had one out on "Relationship Rescue" that was quite good, but it really needs the undevided participation and the persistance to see it through to completion. Good Luck
my partner n i have been together for over 10 years now, we have 3 beautiful little boys who we both love and adore. ok, so on with it. 2 and a half months ago i broke his trust by kissing another man, although i never slept with this man my partner has accused me of it, which i honestly cant blame him cos i would probably do the same thing. last week we found out that im 5 weeks pregnant with my partners baby of course, we have been arguing constantly since what i did to him and now he makes remarks like this isnt his baby and that i better hope that this baby is mine...are the kids his? i dont know how to fix this? i know he is angry and hurt and i have told him how many times that im sorry for what i had done to him but why is he saying things like that about our unborn child and children?. i dont know what i should be doing any more..i dont even know why i am writting this here..im such a bitch for hurting him, i just dont know what to think any more?
Hi Casey:
In my opinion you made a huge mistake by kissing this other man and i would ask myself why did you do it? Was it curiosity, boredom or did you perhaps want to make your partner jealous? The reason for why you did it should be addressded so that it doesn't happen again. In any case, it was a mistake, you are truthfully sorry for it and have apoligized profusely. Some mistakes like that should be forgiven, but it appears that your partner has some insecurity issues, which should also be addressed. For the children's sake I think you should go to counseling before it balloons out of total proportion. It has been my experience that a partner will often times be more likely to listen to a third entity more so than to his/her partner. There are counseling centers that don't cost an arm and a leg and churches often have them as well. Good luck. Rachel
Dear Ron.
Im so confused at the moment I dont know what to do. In February this year I moved countries to be with a man I had met the previous year in May. We both wanted it, out relationship was like a fairytale, he had visited me and stayed with me for a long whilke but then had to return home for job purposes and we decided I would join him. We moved in together and from then things changed. I started becoming more and more insecure-which I have never been..I am strong, independent and will work and get on anywhere I go. I am happy here in every aspect of my life here (work, social life, etc..) but we have too much pressure..too many fights. I love this guy and I want everything with him, but I am scared.
In May I went out with my friends and he went out with his and I knew he was staying with a friend. In the morning I was working and he called angry at me for not texting hom 'good morning'. It was out of order as my battery had dies, and it was early (7.30am sunday morning) so I didnt want to wake him. Anyway he came home apologetic and was so loving and caring, saying he had missed me. He then told me he had met a girl who had seen him around town, and made a comment about his personality. I was fine with that and the day went on. Until later that night I had a feeling-i dont know what it was but I had the urge to check his phone. I hated myself for doing it, but know has made everything worse. I seen a call from a girl called monique on the sat night at 12.30am and also a drafted message to her, saying 'I am home now, so you seen me around court'. I was so upset I confronted him- he siad it was his friends kind of girlfriend... Things didnt add up as I remember him saying he met his friends girlfriend and that wasnt his name. I asked him about 4 times and he lied to me. until the morning when I had a dream and asked him again, it was then that he told me it was the girl that he met that had made the comment. I thought he had cheated on me and still to this day dont know what I believe. He told me he called her to get her number so they could meet up for a coffee around court (where he works)..? This has seriously affected our relationship. I have chosen to believe what he says-but I still have doubts in my head. What made it worse was that he said he would tell me if they did see each other or she text...and I founds out two weeks later after bringing it up that he had bumped into her and they had text... I dont know what to do...
At the minute he said he justs wants time- I am moving out to give each other space as he says all our fights are down to us moving in together too soon. He wants to stay with me in a relationship but just that we have more space.
I still cant help the feeling that something did happen and he is just not telling me. I have asked him again since and he jkust gets angry with me saying that nothing happened and I need to get over it. If I have forgiven him, then I should forget. I know this but I dont want to be taken for a ride.
I need advice big time...
Thanks
anon
It was happen to me in 2008. At first I called it disaster but.....huh I have reliased that it was wrong, actually it was a beginning of my new better life....In 2008 I had make up my mind and decided to back off from my hubby life....Why????
Because...Honestly....As a Hubby; he is good, loving, responsible, caring, fun, firm, smart and he is a leader.
As a Daddy; very loving dad, overloaded caring, responsible and 'yes boss' to his kiddos. But.....what can you think and feel after your hubby mentioning this reason; WHY he is keeps flirting with girls....It was not the GIRL's matter but....That's is why I've let go...If you love him,let him be happy...let him go freely...If he still meant for me, he will come back. Love is not about conquering...it's all about earning! But in relationship; love and respect are 2 different things. I love my ex-hubby but respect as a husband has over. Without love and respect; I can't afford to remain blindly hold a great position as his WIFE anymore...
My Ex-hubby mentioned that:
"I'm regret with marriage!!!!!
The more you talk about it the more you get upset. I always lousy being dad, husband and not always great as a bf. I'm interested at different person easily. Never change.
Not so soon getting replacement of your post. Very difficult position to carry. That's why you are my only wife I have, others never hold that title.My temper hard to handle. You done a great job but I don't want to hurt you anymore.
Good for you, I always lie to you. So it's stop now. You will live happier. I only give bad thing to you. So may God bless you.
If I pray I'll pray for a better. Even I don't love you but I still love my kids. Take care."
That's how we end up.
Cheers
Baby
Well I'm sure you've heard it all before, but we've been together 3 years and worked through a few difficuly times ie redundancy, etc, and generally things are going quite well, but the last month has been difficult. We're planning on moving in together, and he's been getting no space at his which has made him snappy, and is having little success in finding a better job. This has ment that we've not been as close as normal, but did discuss the fact that we weren't ready to give up and had started to look at work options. We were due to go out that night, but he really didn't want to but it was birthdays, so I went with my best mate (who is male) both only intending to go for an hour or 2, but we ended up getting a little drunk and silly (nothing sexual or anything) and he came back. (I had texted the other half while out and let him know things and he was fine with that), but we woke him when we got in and I really feel bad and that I've betrayed his trust, he's hardly spoken spoken to me in that last few days, and he was always cute and said he loved me etc but hasn't. He's having a long talk with his dad later in the week, to talk about options.
I'm at a loss at what to do, I've tried just being me as normal, said sorry and ment it, and am trying to give him space, he doesn't want to talk about it at the mo. Do you or anyone have any advice?
I have been growing through my boyfriends phone for about 2 years. I always do it to see what him and the ex are talking about. Reason for that is whenever me and him have hard times the ex flys here and acts like the caring friend. 2 days ago I went through his phone again when I asked him to quit telling her so much about our relationship and he asked me to quit trying to choose his friends. That it was a battle that I would not win because he doesn't like being given options. Well I went through his phone to see why he just can't leave her alone and I found two pics of her (recent ones, one of her boobs in a bra and then one with her shirt half way up pants folded down to see her undies). He found out that I did and he broke off the engagement and left. He has been under a lot of stress and I put the cherry on top of his issues. So now here I am confused. He told a friend that he saved those pictures in his phone to trap me to see if I was still going through his phone because he knew they would upset me. He left because he felt as though I don't trust him and he doesn't see why. I just don't trust her but I could see how he takes that as me not trusting him. Is this something that can be fixed? Our only issue is her and I am always the one that randomly brings her up. Together on an off since 14 and now age 22. One child and was engaged.
I recently revealed to my fiance of 3 years , that I had kept a serious financial situation to myself that would affect both of us, I lost my job and now I may lose my house. I wanted to try to handle this on my own, but it just spiraled out of control. He lives with me, and now is so hurt and upset that he is moving out.. says he isn't breaking up with me, but is sure feels like that right now. I am devasted, and very upset with myself.
I certainly understand his anger, but I am confused as to how being separated will help the situation
We are both admittedly co dependent. We have been through illness, deaths and financial struggle for the better part of our relationship, and made it through . Fights yes... almost split a couple times, but we love eachother.
I want to know how I can redeem myself and make it work for us without pushing myself on him. I love him more than anything and can't imagine my life without him.
Please help me..
Hi Ron!
I'm also having problems with my boyfriend now. I was the one who cheated and I was really frustrated about our relationship right now. It's quite complicated but I'll tell you where did it all started.
I had a boyfriend (my first bf) before and we've been in a relationship four four years. He was a seaman and during my 4th year in college, he had to leave the country for his on the job training on board. I was used to be with him to the point that when he left I started going out with my friends and met another guy. We've been texting and going out together to the point that I don't communicate to my boyfriend anymore. (just so you know, this guy is also a seaman and he's been my boyfriend's(now ex-bf) classmate) To make the story short, I had been in a relationship with this guy ( I have 2 bfs at the same time). When my bofriend arrived, he found out about my relationship with this other guy (this guy already knew that I have a boyfriend when we committed to a relationship). My boyfriend asked me to choose between them. It was really hard for me though because I might be choosing for the wrong guy. Unfortunately, I chose the other guy which is still my boyfriend now. At first our relationship was working fine. But I have this attitude of comparing him with my previous bf. That' the reason why I can't let go of my ex so easily because I'm afraid that I had chosen th wrong guy. Well my ex bf is really nice to the point that he always do everything for me. He even try to do all my unreasonable punishment like having him dance or do the frog walk, etc. (i'm really an immature girl). With that, I wanted my new bf to be like him as well. I always wanted a relationship to be more favorable for me even though I know that it's not fair.
I was really unsure if my relationship with my bf will last. Yes I know that he loves me and he had shown it in a different way but I always wanted him to do all that I want even though I know its wrong. Because of that, I still communicated with my ex. Of course I still felt very bad for what I did. To the point that I even did something I thought would be enough to repay my mistakes to him.
My bf now found out everything. I know I cheated for several times but he still accepted me. But lately, he found out that I still communicated with my ex and also found out about what happened when my ex arrived here. After finding out everything about cheating with him, he still managed to accept me. But when he found out that I did a "big mistake" with my ex and it's not only once, he has changed.
I tried to apologize for several times but he's not the guy I used to know. I feel like he does not love me anymore. I know that I had broken his trust for several times but I'm really making a lot of effort just to regain his trust. I have always been crying every night because he never listens to what I say. He even believes that I'm still cheating even if I'm not. It really hurts especially when I am trying to do everything but he did not even care at all. To the point that all my efforts are just worthless. ='(
By the way, our situation gets worst especially now that my ex bf is here again. I really don't know what to do now. Even if I'm not doing anything, my bf is still thinking that I might be doing something wrong again...
Hi,
I don't know why I'm doing this I just really can't think of anything else. I need help. I recently found out that my long time boyfriend has been having conversations with this girl (who he had told me previously he barely knew) and they were talking about how they wanted to hook up and then they would start talking about the things they wanted to do to eachother sexually. I found this on his computer. IT has happened 3 times but i jus found out after the last time. He says he loves me and he says he'll do anything to fix this, he even has a huge list of things he's going to change and do, but i feel completely cheated on and lied to. I also found out that he made out with her once right after him and I hooked up for the first time. HE says since we weren't "officially" exclusive he didnt think it mattered but it did matter to me. He had told me after he kissed me there was no one else. He has told me so many lies i just dont know what to do. please give me some advice I really need help.
Dear Hurt and Betrayed:
I know you won't want to hear this, but it has been my experience that if a man does these things, he will stray again and again. History repeats itself. A betrayal should be looked at as a serious thing. I think that there are men who will do this if they think they can get away with it and then there are those who wouldn't because they have a conscience. I would not trust this situation.
My boyfriend of the last five years has broken our trust to the point that i will only trust him as far as i see him. I don't know for sure if he cheated by having sex with someone but i know he gets females numbers,flirts with females, an is totally disrespectful. I have tried several times to make this thing work but he keeps doing the same thing. recently he attended a high school reunion. I found out that every female he greeted he told them he had a big dick. then turned around and took me to the next high school reunion function with him. I was so embarassing the looks that i recieved while we were together. it is sickening. I really wanted to work this thing out but it is just too much for me