Repairing broken trust in a relationship can be very difficult. Many times the reason for the broken trust stems from infidelity or broken promises and these violations within a relationship can virtually destroy it. If you and your partner are committed to working through it though, you will find that your relationship can become stronger than ever.
Before any trust can be rebuilt you must address how and/or why it was broken in the first place. This is the time for brutal honesty. A complete confessional of how the trust was broken should only be done when you are both ready to hear it. Heartfelt apologies should be offered with indications of remorse and promises to not violate the trust again.
There is a massive amount of stress on your relationship once the trust has been broken. Reconciliation can happen first. This happens when both you and your partner make an agreement to work on the issues and rebuild the trust and the relationship. Reconciliation usually has to happen before forgiveness. It also indicates that you are invested in salvaging the relationship and not giving up on it. In many cases it will be up to the person that violated the trust to initiate reconciliation.
The most difficult task is then to forgive. It is never easy to forgive, but if you continue to hold on you will constantly live in a state of rage or anger. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you excuse abusive behavior. It does mean that you are able to work towards letting go of the past. Relationship experts suggest starting with forgiving your partner for their weakness. Your partner also needs to be ready to be forgiven and accept the consequences of their actions.
Sit down with your partner and reevaluate your goals. Remind each other what your priorities are and what unifies your life together. Sometimes a vocal or written commitment to the relationship is a good place to start. Try to avoid setting up conditions of forgiveness.
Getting outside help is strongly recommended. Make an appointment for the two of you to sit down with a relationship counselor. This should be a safe environment for both of you to be honest about how the trust has been damaged or lost. These counselors will have steps for you to go through that will help repair any damage, or in the worst cases, help you to safely walk away from each other.
My ex had a sorted childhood with grim details that I won't get into, lets just say Mom didn't always see the nicest of guys or ones who had high morals. She also has blackouts sometimes due to severe migraines.
A couple of months ago before we broke up she had a few blackouts one night. I picked her up, put her in bed and laid with her there for hours to make sure she was OK. After a few hours I decided to try and give her an orgasm while she was sleeping, the outcome was not what I intended nor expected. She doesn't believe me when I tell her I thought she was sleeping and she says that she wasn't sleeping but was blacked out. She accuses me of molesting her as she woke up while I was rubbing on her.
Now regardless of my side of the story and my intentions, in this situation her perception is what counts and in her eyes I broke her trust. We have since broken up and she has moved away. We still talk and love each other, love was never our problem, but now she doesn't trust me and neither of us know how to fix it. Now she had had these blackouts before and after this incident and nothing untoward had ever occurred then but it makes no difference.
I could really use some help with this, the love that we have is the kind of stuff you see in movies or read about in books. It moves mountains and shakes the foundations of beliefs, but without trust its just two people who can't be near one another because the one right now can only see someone who let her down and broke her trust even though it wasn't intentional, and even though the intentions were good the trust is still lost and the situation is unchanged.
Any advice or suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated here.
My partner has lied to me over lots of things in our relationship from day one, and has finally admitted this to me, now I am left doubting whether anything he will ever tell me again will be the truth, he says he will do anything to keep us together, and is sorry for lying, but after 4 months of seperation, one day I want him near me, next day I dont want to speak or have anything to do with him, my heart is saying stay with him, but my head is telling me different. I have tried to trust him, but feel I just cant, cant live with him cant live without him. We have never lived together, and there is 80 milles between us, and I feel I just cant go one way or the other, we are both very frustrated, and do have a very strong chemistry between us, what should I do? I am constanty angry with him anf myself these days, and just cant believe most of the stuff he says to me. I went to his family a while back, and they advised me to just move on with my life as he creates lots of stories and they never know what to believe, he can be very manipulative at times too, and has alot of insecurities, which has almost flipped over to how I feel now with him, I blame him for everything as there was no need to do this from the start, all I ever do is throw everything back in his face, I just cant control myself, and hate him for this, but once Ive calmed down, I end up feeling guilty and hate myself for the way Ive been and what Im turning into, he wants us to go get help, and although I keep swaying with everything, I cant see how I would ever be able to trust anything he ever says, and as the family got involved, they've basically denied what they've said to me, so I resent them for this too, what a total mess, how can I feel so much for this guy, and yet with everything I feel hes put me throu, be still here. Think Im totally loosing the plot......
My husband has been accusing me off doing just about everything. We meet through mutual friends. Those friends of ours turned bad doing drugs and stealing so we both arent dealing with them anymore. But before all that happened, after we got together and was very happy, those so called friends went to each one of us and was telling lies on us trying to break us up. I didnt believe them, but I think my husband did. Thats been a while back, but everytime he asks me something, he will ask in a very accusing way. I dont think he trust me at all. He doesnt even seem to be in love with me anymore. He will yell at me one minute and then pick on me the next minute and then expect me to be ok with all that. When I try to talk to him about the way he treats me he blows. He says he spoils me by giving me a place to live and a ring and earrings to wear, but he handles all the money and never gives me any extra to do anything that I what to do. He expects me to do everything around the house which is fine with me but he doesnt tell me Ive done a good job or even a pack on the back. If I dont do something to the way he wants it done he bitches at me. I have had to learn to keep my mouth shut most of the time except when he starts accusing me of all kinds of things. I havent done or even thought about doing any of them. I just wish he would talk to me, without getting mad and yelling, about this stuff. I love him with all my heart and would do anything for him, but although he says he does and would do anything for me, I dont think so. I thought if you loved someone you treat them with respect, shower them with love and trust them, but maybe Im wrong.
Hi Leanne:
I think you already know the answer to your question. This relationship has no chance in hell of surviving because of the severe trust issues. Your partner seems to be an habitual lyer and that is like an addiction. They almost can't help themselves. You will never feel secure in this relationship and you will always be looking for the next lie, trying to outsmart and outguess him and that is not good for your psyche. If that goes on for too long, you may develop trust issues with innocent men, who don't deserve the after effects of this relationship. The chemistry is what is holding you back from breaking up, but you can have chemistry with someone else again in the future. This is not psychologically healthy and can lead to huge problems down the road. If I were you, I would get out and run as fast as I can.
Hi Angela:
It sounds to me as though your husband is a very controlling person with trust issues and bullying issues. First off, I would never let anyone treat me in the way you say your husband is treating you. Please take this in the vain in which it is meant...You need to develop backbone and not be a doormat any longer. Your husband is abusing you, emotionally. I don't see where there is any love coming from him towards you at all. If you must, ask if he will go to counseling with you. I have a feeling he will flatly refuse, because he probably doesn't think anything is wrong. If he refuses, go and get help on your own because you are clearly not happy and I will guess that this kind of behavior on your husband's part with escalate over time and get worse. You will need to become independent so that you will be able to take care of yourself without him. This is vitally important for your own good. Love yourself first, then you will be able to Love others even better. Good luck.
A year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend, in the beginning of our friendship he had a girlfriend that I didn't know that, while we were friends, he cheated on her, while he was flirting with me and five other girls. A month later, we became very close, and then we began going out. He was my first love, and I [i] thought [/i] everything was going good until one afternoon when I was calling my friend on his phone, a text message popped up with a naked girl, she was one of his exes. I yelled at him about it, and then I found out four other girls have been texting him since then. He told me he told them to leave him alone, but they never stopped texting him until I told them to back off. Also, the girl he cheated on his girlfriend from the beginning with has been flirting with him and coming over to see him, he was always honest about her advances (as far as I know), but he got mad when I asked him to stop hanging out with her. He got all mad and said I don't let him have any female friends. Eventually, I got mad and started flirting with one of his old friends, and then he called me a back stabber. Which was wrong of me do to, I know. But now we're always fighting and in each other's faces about the past and how we've messed up. I don't want it to be over, he's my best friend and he's pushed everyone out of his life to try and devote all his time to me to make up for things, but I still hurt, and I want to know how to fix this. I'm sorry if this sounds like a giant rant...
Thank you for the advise, and I know you are most probably right, I just cant seem to break away from this guy, we went to a consellor recently and they focused in on him, saying that he was suffering from ptsd probably going back 14 years ago whilst he was in the army, they have advised for him to get help, although it was a release at the time, this still doesnt help me now, am I just making excuses for this guy, and why cant I walk away?
need advice in a serious way.
my girlfriend and i have been together for 8 months. Everything was going great up until 6 weeks ago. I had an anxiety attack or heart attack that happened late august. I buried it thinking I am healthy person, i eat right, workout, why is this happening to me That same night she had work function, so i did not make a big deal about it. That night I drank until I blacked out. When she got home, we fought, but i did not remember a bit about it. A week later similar events happened, but it was at her sisters birthday. She said at a point in the evening a change came over me after we had been drinking. Of course a fight ensued. Me accusing her of not loving me or my son, etc. Other stresses in my life at this time was my ex wife. I have custody of our son, but she comes in and out of his life on her whim. she is a very selfish person. She has only scene him twice in 3 months. Nothing for his birthday. At that time i was thinking of taking her back to court and making her responsible for her son. Back to story. After the second episode with alcohol, my girlfriend had told me one more time and thats it. The first weekend in oct was the first time in 2 months my ex had seen our son. His birthday had passed andn nothing, so I was hoping she would do something for him while he was there. Nothing. I picked him up and was furious. I had made up my mind then and there to take her to court, but became frustrated, bc I could not find the info I was looking for on the internet. I was in a bad mood that sunday 10/2. I got home after the football game and girlfriend said she would be home soon. She did not realize how upset i was i think. So I started drinking, very close to black out when she got home. A big fight occurred. She asked me to start looking for a new place to live on the next day. I was devestated. The next day I had intentions of ending my life. I drank again the next morning. She came home to find me on the couch. I felt embarrassed etc and immediately wanted to leave. told her to move her car so I could (get out of the way) I took off and drove to Iowa with intention of drinking my self to death. Had texted her that I am driving to die. No one knew where I had went. Cell phone had died and had to way to communicate for 2 days. I did not die and glad that i did not. I ended up checking my self into ward at university of iowa. I was released after 2 days to come home. I had remembered the anxiety attack/heart attack from late august, and thought that that might have been the begining of issues with me other than my buried anger at my ex over our son. I realized that I did want to live and the amount of pain i caused and felt as low as I ever have. for the past week or so, we have been either talking on phone or texting. She has said that she still loves me, but does not know if it is repairable or not. Since then I realize i have a drinking problem(emotional drinker) I have quit drinking, sober for 2 weeks. I have no desire to ever drink again, because of what I did. I have made a conscious life change that not only is alcohol not good for me emotionally, but also not for my health. I like to work out and eat well, so I incorporated it into lifestyle that way. I want to work things out with her. because I know that the love and intimacy are still there. But the faith/trust is gone. I tell her my feelings and she responds, but at arms length. I have not seen her since I have been back. I am currently in counseling helping me deal with my issues. How do I convince her that A. it had nothing to do with her, and B. how to try to accept and move on vs. try to understand the why, and C. regain trust? She says take it one day at a time, and i reply i agree, hardest 9 words to accept. I do not want to just fade away from her life either.
Hi Chris:
First, let me congratulate you on your recognition of your alcohol problem and your decision to get help. I think that is a giant step forward. From what you have stated, it appears that acohold was the major issue and problem you faced. It appears that your girlfriend recognizes that too and is willing to give you a second chance. She is right, give it time. Two weeks is too early to tell whether you are serious about your commitment to stay healthy. Be patient and I think everything will work out in your favor. Trust can return
Thank you for the response. it is hard to be patient. we talk or text every night and morning. she does tell me she misses me and she loves me, but i fear fading from her life. She said ok to coming to a counseling session with me at first. Now she is saying she is does not know.
Trust can return, Chris, but it takes time and diligence. You need to prove to her that she can trust you to do the right thing. She will let you know when she is ready. It does appear that she is serious about you. You will need to let things happen at their own pace and not try to rush them. All you can do now is keep doing what you are doing with the healthy living and if there is enough Love and a connection, things will return back to where they were, but even stronger.
Hi Ron,
I have been dating a guy off and on for about 3 years. I know I love him and want to be with him but there have been bumps in the road. I have alot of trust issues that I just dont know how to go about handling. He's away in college now and we are just recently giving it another shot after a few months apart due to us feeling like we were not on the same page. Our love has always been there but I lied him a few different times in fear of him getting angry. I have accepted what I did was wrong, and that I took our relationship for granted. I've apologized numerous times and made sure he knew just how much I care about him and want to be with him. I havent lied to him since because I know its not worth risking our relationship. He believes me and doesnt seem to have a hard time trusting me after what ive done. Before I lied to him though, I found out about a girls name in his phone he was hiding under a guy and texting her. It wasnt alot and when I confronted him, he lied 3 times until finally telling the truth because I had the proof in my hand. From what I saw he hadnt texted her alot, but swore to not do it again. We want to put all those things in the past and start our relationship over fresh and trust one another. He seems to be doing fine with everything, but I feel like I drive my self crazy worrying if he's going to be faithful. Alot of the time I take my worries and insecurities out on him and I just want to know how in the world to deal with it and give him the same amount of trust he's been able to give me, even though I lied more than he did.
Sincerely,
Stacy
Dear Ron, I desperately need some advice. And i dont want just oh time will help and just talk things through with him because in this situation i am trying EVERYTHING to fix my relationship. If you can give me advice on what i can instantly do to make things better, it will help me so much. Basically, this is the story. My boyfriend and i have been together for nearly 10 months. When we first started going out, we talked about what we wanted, he said he wants something serious and real and something that will last forever. He said he's not into just dating to date. He's dating to find the woman to marry. Now, you have to understand who he is. He's very opinionated and very upstanding in his family. He's an athlete and basically good at everything he does. He's an amazing person and would never hurt me even if i gave him reason to get mad. He's amazing and i know it's completely true. Now the problem is, when we first started going out, i had no idea what i was doing. I just didn't know how to be a girlfriend. I'm 19 so you may think that i should just KNOW but i really didn't understand the effort that came with it. I didn't tell him where i would go, i barely called him, i barely saw him and to make it even worse...i know this is going to make me look so bad, i lied about a fling before him. I said i had never been with this guy and he believed me. But overcome with guilt, i came clean and begged his forgiveness. He broke up with me but came back and said that he loved me and although i lied to him and although he usually would not come back he said that he saw something special between us and wasnt going to let it get in between. Now that was 9 months ago. After we got back together, things were still bad. I didn't do anything a normal girlfriend does and he took it so hard..he didn't want to tell me how to be because he wanted to be with someone who knew what they were doing. For months i just was clueless. He was miserable and everything just got to the point where i didnt know what to do, he didn't know what to do so he just started leaving all the time. But eventually we would talk, he would break down (which is very unlike him because he's the strongest person i know) and he would share with me that he only wants to be with me and that he just needs me to do what i say. So it continued on like that for months...probably up until 3 months ago. I finally started to understand things and how what i do shows him how i feel and i changed. I mean i TOTALLY changed. I want nothing but the best for him, i want to make him so happy and he recently told me that if i can fix this that he will marry me. But he says if i cant do this on my own, he cant stay here. Now i dont want you to think that he's manipulative. I know i put him through so much. I made him stay and promised i'd fix it but i still havent. Weve been really bad for the past couple days and this is what i need help with. He loves me. He wants to be with me, but he feels like i wasted all of his time before now. And i know you might just say well if he loves you he should let that go but no. I wasted his time and i'm here in front of him telling him that i only want to be with him and he said that i have to fix it. And he says that because the whole time i was clueless, he was doing things just to keep us together. He didnt complain, he didnt give me a hard time, he kept his cool and he trusted me over and over again that i would fix this. Now, he doesn't trust me, he finds it hard to want to trust me and he says that i need to do it on my own. So what i'm asking is, what SPECIFICALLY can i do to show him that he can trust me. He said thats the biggest thing we need is trust. He needs that fixed to want to deal with everything else. So other than like oh time will heal everything and just show him consistency, theres no time for that. I need to know what to do to save this...NOW. I'm desperate. I've exhausted my brain to try to figure out what he needs from me. He wont tell me because he says if he gives me guidance that its just going to turn out the same way. Bad. So i need to figure out what to do right now to fix this trust. If you can help me i will forever be indebted to you. I just need specific things that i can DO, not say because he's tired of my words, to show him that it is worth it to want to trust me and to actually trust me. I'm not a deceitful person. I love him with all of my heart. He's beautiful inside and out and i know he's struggling so much because he wants to be with me but feels like its my turn to fix it. I need HELP!!
HI Lostinlove,
I can tell that you really care for this man and really want to "fix" things, however, a relationship is a two way street and I don't think you know quite what to fix. You say you had lied to him once many months ago and that was resolved and that you didn't know how to be a girlfriend. To me that translates to you don't know how to communicate properly as a couple and the fact that he wants you to figure things out without his input can't happen. You are not a mind reader. He needs to communicate his needs and desires, his thoughts and wishes as do you. How else would you know? As to having a quick fix here, it doesn't work that way. It does take time to get to know one another, their particular buttons, threshholds, their particular style of communication etc. These things don't happen over night and with the right attitude, can be a wonderful learning experience. If you both know that you love one another and that whatever is said and done is never meant maliciously, it all works very nicely. I would urge you to develop better communications between you. You can do that by seeing a counselor or go to the library and get some self help books, such as Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue". It does take time and effort on both parts. Sorry, there are no quick fixes.
Rachel-
I do see what you're saying. I've actually been talking to him and i think i'm getting through. He thinks that since we've been together for so long, i should know exactly what to do to make this work. But i said exactly what you just said that im not a mindreader and the only way for us to both get what we want is to say what we want so that that can be put into motion. I'm really hoping that this works. I think it has to be give and take. He just feels like if he gives, that i'm just getting away with everything i've done to bring this relationship down. All i'm doing is trying to improve it. I just hope i can crack him...he's one tough shell.
Thanks for the advice.
And even further from that, i made it through! He agreed to help me fix the trust issues we have. He understands that it was stupid of him to make me have to stress over what it was that HE needed to trust me. We're planning on talking about everything and fixing the trust and then everything else will fall into place. With this fixed and moving forward, i know that soon, if not within the year, we'll be engaged as that is what we have both wanted from the start. But we both agree that moving in together is something that must be done after we have fixed our problems. I must say, i am so happy and that this forum saved my relationship. I couldn't be happier although i know there is a lot of work ahead of me...work that i am ecstatic to have the chance to do.
Thank you so so so much rachel, you're a life saver.
Hello everyone,
This may be a long one: I am in need of some advice and I really need to make sense of what is going on in my relationship and life right now. I've messed up pretty terribly and don't know what to do.
My wife and I have been together for six years now and married for three (we are both 29). When we first met, I was still having an on again/off again relationship with my ex girlfriend, which I promptly formally ended, although it took a bit of time to completely separate (she had lent me her car for the summer). I had also developed a number of bad habits that were not at all compatible with my wife (smoking pot, drinking excessively, viewing porn online), which I also quit when I started dating my wife. I fell in love with her immediately and knew that she was the right person for me.
Over the years that we were dating, engaged, and married, I repeatedly fell back into my old habits, and hid them from my future wife. I hated myself for doing it each and every time, and swore I would stop, sometimes succeeding for as long as a year before "relapsing." Each time inevitably she found out about it and I admitted what I had done. Sometimes I lied to her and then admitted it later, which hurt our level of trust significantly. She forgave me each time but every time it took longer for the trust to be repaired, and I always did it again.
Since around the time we were married, I was promoted to a well-paid, but very stressful and time-consuming position at my company. At the same time my wife was working on her Master's degree. We both got into a rut very quickly, gained weight, and a most of the romance went out of our lives. I have always been a very independent person, but I became extremely selfish and self-centered, which only got worse when I started working on my MBA recently. Stress is also a trigger for me to fall back into bad habits, and I even smoked pot a couple of times after having stopped for over four years. It finally reached a point where my wife told me that she was planning to leave me because her needs were not being met in the relationship and there had been too may problems for far too long. It was a real wake up call for me, and I finally really listened and could see things through her eyes. I have done everything I can to turn this around and I am fully committed to giving her what she so desperately needs. That was about three weeks ago.
Now the dilemma: while I was on a business trip somewhat over a year ago, I got really drunk and went looking for people to hang out with. I ended up talking to a woman at the hotel bar (along with another guy), and at that point I made the biggest mistake of my life. I took off my wedding ring and hid it, and started to get more flirtatious with her, although I can't really remember the conversation now. I was flattered at the attention - I have always had low self esteem, and it was thrilling to find that I was still interesting to women. I don't even remember much of what we talked about because I was so drunk, but after going to another bar I found myself kissing her, and when we stopped (5-10 seconds later) she suggested that I come back to her room with her. I was so completely conflicted and overcome with guilt for what I was doing that I stopped it right there and told her that I couldn't do this and that I was married, but at that point the damage was already done. She was obviously upset and said something about how I should never have taken off the ring. I left the bar, somehow making it back to the hotel and then stayed up all night with my guilt and shame. When I returned the next day I wanted to tell my wife so badly, but I was so afraid she would leave me on the spot. My mother and father had recently been divorced because of infidelity on his part, and I had sworn I would never make the same mistake. I have never regretted something so much in my life.
It was over a year before I told my wife, and only when she asked. At first I didn't tell her the whole story. I didn't tell her we kissed, and didn't tell her about the ring. After she asked me again, I finally told her and it completely broke her heart. She feels (which is completely true) that I willfully turned my back on our marriage and put her out of my mind like she was nothing. After all she had done for me and everything we had gone through (including my own bout with cancer the prior year), it was too much. She doesn't believe at this point that anything can save our marriage. I am desperate to repair the trust even though I know that it will take a long time in the best possible scenario,and we may never fully recover - I will do anything. I love her more than I can express although my selfish and thoughtless actions have consistently indicated otherwise.
This sounds all very negative, but there is another side as well. We are one of those couples that all our friends believe were meant for each other. When things are good between us, they are wonderful. We enjoy everything we do together when life allows. I want to desperately to recover the relationship we once had, but now I am afraid that it is beyond repair and a divorce is inevitable. I could never repeat the same mistakes again (lack of honesty, lies of omission, and certainly not involvement with anyone else) and have started attending AA meetings, since I know that my inability to control my drinking once I start is the root of many of these problems. I will be seeing a counselor next week with my wife, although she does not believe it will help. Please can anyone offer any additional advice? I realize this is far too little far too late, but I am not willing to give up hope yet. How do I show her that I can change when I have never kept my promises in the past and have betrayed her and myself so completely?
From above - a couple of things I forgot to mention:
It was just a few days ago that my wife found out about the business trip infidelity, shortly after our "wake up call" conversation.
Also, just to emphasize how out of character this is for me, with the exception of online porn, I have never had any relationships (emotional or otherwise) with any other women since I have been with my wife. No texts, dating sites, chatrooms, anything. My ex girlfriend called me up one night and asked me to come over (booty call), and I told her flat out no, and that we needed to end our conversations altogether. I have not been in contact with any other exes intentionally, other than running into them once or twice at mutual acquaintances parties, and have had no desire to rekindle any of those relationships. I can't believe I did what I did and would do anything to undo it.
I will tell my wife everything from now on, although I don't know if she will believe me anymore (especially if there is nothing to tell- which I am fully committed to making sure is the case from now on). What do I do?
Hi Chris,
I think you are on the right track. From now on you need to be totally transparent and tell your wife of these intentions. Tell her that she is free to look through your wallet, your computer, any phone messages on a daily basis if that is what it takes. I would tell her that you know you have fallen many times, but are serious about your intentions and that time will show her that this is true. You need to show her and tell her EVERY DAY just how much you love her and in time she will learn to believe it again.
Although what you did was definitely wrong and deceitful by taking off your wedding band and kissing the woman at the air port, you didn't go all the way, which should also say something. You had enough strength, even in your drunken stuper, not to follow through on what most men would have because you WERE thinking about your wife. You need to clean up your act and you have to let you wife in on your daily progress. If there is true Love and commitment on both sides, this still has a chance. I would also show her the letters you wrote to this blog. No one is perfect, but it is always good to strive for it. Good luck.
hi chris,
i can somehow relate on your situation right now. (although yours is on a higher level coz you're already married). i have already broken the trust of my bf for so many times..i also lied to him and later tell him the truth about my mistakes. i know that the reason why you dont have the courage to tell the truth immediately after you have made some mistakes is because you are very much aware that it would hurt her but if you are going to look at it, its much painful for her coz u kept it and lied for a long time. i know that you really love your wife and that you are regretful of what you did. its really hard to bring back one's trust one its broken.. you'll have to expect the worst since its not that easy to just show how much you love her. you will need to put extra effort in everything you do.. you should also expect that she may not even appreciate all your effort. it will also come to a point where you will feel like there is no hope in reparing your relationhip because no matter how good you are now, she'll never believe you.even if you're telling the truth. but always put in mind that its a consequence of what you did and a test on your relationship. this will be one of the most difficult journey in your life but if you really love her and you are really committed, there is no way for you to give up. and also, never ever forget God. remember, everything happens for a purpose. just always put God in everything that you do. it will take time for your relationship to be repaired but im sure it will, if you have GOD in it.. all problems have one big solution.. GOD.. take care and God bless!
hey my name is david and i have a problem... i have a man that im trying to love and to get together and then one night when he came home he looked at my cellphone and he went on it he looked at my messages and he seen some bad messages of one of my friends trading pictures to each other... then he told me and got mad yelling at me i thought i will have to pack up and leave i told him it wont never happen again i will not talk to him anymore i will delete him off of my phone and never talk to him ever again... then he says i dont know what to say i dont know if i can trust you ever again and it hurts me to hear that he dont trust me and it aches my soul as of right now while i type this message and i dont know what to do i am panicing i dont know what to say i dont know how to act i dont know what to do to make it all better and forget the problem cause it wont happen again... please give me info on what to do i will do anything to save this relationship i dont want to leave him and i dont want to either. thank you
david
Hi David,
Yes, we make stupid mistakes sometimes. All we can do is recognize our mistake, admit to it and make moves to correct it. We are human and fallible. Perhaps if you put it to your friend in that context, in time he may be willing and able to forgive. You will have to show him every day that you are serious about your commitment to him and be totally transparent. He, however, has to be "willing" to forgive. Good Luck,
Rachel
Hi my name is Carl i'm 17 and I have been dating my girlfriend for about 1 year and 4 months now. When we started dating we didn't really have a good relationship and one night I kissed another girl. The second I did it I felt remorse and the day after I felt even worse. Over the summer she asked if had ever cheated on her and I told her the truth. She was devastated at this and was mad. We talked about it not long after and started to work through it. it's about 5-6 months later and today she was upset, when I asked her what's wrong she wouldn't talk to me and when we sat down and discussed it she said she's had a bad feeling partly because of her own insecurity and she tries not to get to close because she doesn't want to get hurt but it's also because of what I did and that in the back of her mind it's there and she's afraid it might happen again except much worse.
When I kissed this other girl I was very different in a bad way but over time I changed and i'm a different person. I wanted to get some advice and a second opinion. I think we should discuss this more and try to work through it but i'm scared and I don't want anything to happen. I want things to be good again like I thought it was before today. Maybe we are still good and the problem will be solved by doing what i've been doing and being trustworthy.
My name is EvaMarie. I've found my soulmate, or so I thought. He accuses me of cheating 24/7 and says its a "feeling" but I truely am not. Its a long distance relationship, so I cant just have him see where I am all the time or anything.
The problem is though, one time there was this guy who was sort of obsessed with me and then sent my boyfriend a message online and was telling him basically that I was with this other guy and then he was sharing personal information about my life, so my boyfriend believes him. That was about 2 months ago but he says the "bad feeling" keeps getting worse and worse every day even though I am NOT DOING ANYTHING.
How can he say he loves me if he does this to me? I'm trying so hard to show that I'm not cheating but he wont listen. He thinks that every single word I say is a lie. I can tell him that I'm getting a drink and he thinks I'm lying.
What am I supposed to do to make this work? I'm at my last chance right now and I need serious help. Especially since its long distance. Please help me...
Hi EvaMarie,
Your boyfriend seems to be very insecure. Trusting someone is a decision people make, or not. If he decides you are not trustworthy, I am not sure that there is anything you can do, short of moving to where he lives and letting him "see" your daily activity. You would need to be extremely transparant, letting him read your emails, any letters, texts etc. and let time do its job. Good luck
EvaMarie,
Let me say just one more thing: "No one can prove a negative"!
im currently strugling to win my girlfriends trust back and i need some advice.
the issue came about in a period of our relationship where for one reason or another my girlfriend was being particularly hard on me over a period of months, she is a strong girl and often feels threatened by other girls. i had one serious long term relationship before my current relationship which ended a couple of years before the one i am in at the moment yet up until i found this new girlfriend i had remained in intermittent contact with this ex
i fell completely head over heels in love with my current girl yet purely out of habit i still remained in intermittent contact with my ex but in an entirely non sinister way. over time my girlfriend made it clear she wanted this to stop and i promised on my life it would all stop. initially it did but over that period my girlfriend not only had problems with my ex but with other girls in my friend group too and it became an issue which went on for a period of around 3 months at which point my ex contacted me and after initially writing back to tell her to go away but then in a moment of weakness wrote back to say hello, again in a non sinister or sexual way and i guess it was nothing really to do with my liking my ex but simply a way of spiting my ex for the anguish she was causing me at this time with girls who were in no way a threat to our relationship.
i kept this from my girlfriend until i drunkenly admitted that my ex had contacted me but left out that i had contacted her. my girlfriends reaction to my keeping this from her when i promised id tell her of any contact caused her to break up with me as she felt the trust was gone. i then went on to win her back promising again that i was hiding nothing as i was too scared to tell her id contacted my ex as i felt if she knew that this was the case i would not get the chance to show her id changed and that my ex was no longer a part of my life. it had been a couple of months since shed taken me back and despite keeping my previous contactin of my ex secret i was seizin my second chance with both hands no girl was on my mind apart from her she was the only person i wanted.
then however whilst on my laptop she found this old contact i had made and went into meltdown, id completely broken her trust and she doesnt see a way of fixing it. i dont want to give up as i know that she is the only girl i want and the only reason i ever contacted my ex in this relationship was through habit and because my current girlfriend was hurting me.
the problem is two fold. she no longer trusts me and because she no longer trusts me she is unwilling to believe that my contact with my ex was nothing more than a hello how are you, the problem is that is all it was.
this girl is the only girl i can ever see myself with and i need to show her that i am trustworthy. i lied and i admit that but i want to change i have changed ive never cheated on my girlfriend or even come close to any form of physical infidelity. it purely is a case of me lying and i dont know how to get her trust back, how do i show her that i have changed. losing her has made me realise that i only want her and will do anythin to keep her, its a shame that i have had to lose her to break the habit of contact with my ex but now its the case i need to know a way to get her back
please help
thank you
Hi Ed,
I understand fully how trust can be broken by lies, however, we humans all lie. There isn't anyone out there who doesn't. Some lies are little white lies, but they are lies. this is not to detract from your situation. I just want to point out that even your girlfriend probably lies to some degree. Evidently, your girlfriend has had trust issues stemming from her past and is less willing to tolerate now. From the way you describe, you didn't exactly lie, you neglected to tell the whole truth, which, some would say, is also a lie. You can't unring a gong, what is done is done. All you can do now is to convince your girlfriend by not only words by also by your deeds that you are serious about her, want only her and made a mistake, but request a second chance. If she is willing to give it to you, you will have to be as transparent as possible, letting her see all emails, texts, phone messages, etc. With time and patience and the truth, she will come around, but this is something both of you have to work at. I would bring out that we live in a world with both men and women. We all come in contact with both sexes. That is a fact of life. You have to trust her to do the right thing by you just as much as she has to trust you to do the same.
I'm currently struggling with trust issues with my boyfriend. actually we aint even together at the moment but we are trying to work through things. We have been together for about 14 months. he has hurt me more than once. i am so afraid of getting hurt more. this past thursday he broke up with me out of no where then friday night we were talking and he told me he met up with another girl before we broke up. i am about 45 mins away from him at school and this girl goes to the same school i do. It hurts so bad to know i was sitting there by myself and would have done anything to see him that night but instead he chose to meet up with some other girl. he said it was nothing they just talked. he met her off the internet. i am so hurt when i think about it. he told me he was trying to get away from our problems. we have been arguing alot here lately because we are both jealous people. he has also cheated on me before. i want him i really do. i am willing to do anything to savage our relationship. i dont wanna be hurt anymore though. he had changed and had been doing so good until this past incident happened. we are both trying to work things out. i just don't know how we can get that trust back. advice please.
My advice would be to let him go. He is not serious about you. You will be hurt over and over again if you continue. Move on...
Hello,
I am in a long distance relationship that started for over a year as a beautiful thing that I lived for. My girlfriend had lies in her life that had consumed her for years, and I had found it out and unraveled everything. Finding out she had lied torn me apart because everything felt so right with her. However, after she lied I feel she did everything right to make it better. She told me she loved me enough to let it go, but she didn't right away. It took 3 months for her to let everything go. Even then, she hadn't told me everything about why she did it. In fact she lied to me about why she did it when she "came completely clean". She never did tell me the full truth but she told her grandmother. I felt a little betrayed because she said she loved me enough to marry me and spend my life with her but she couldn't even tell me the truth to my face? Needless to say, I came to her about these things and she admitted she was wrong for lying to my face and I let things go because I loved her with all my being. Eventually the pain went away and we were happier than when we felt we were happiest. It kept getting better and better. We would go out every weekend and spend weekends together, have amazing sexual encounters, were completely open about everything and my life was in order. However, she had signed up for the air force before getting with me. So last september, I was devastated at having the love of my life gone so far. Before she left, she made me promises to not let certain things happen. She promised that the air force was only a thing for her to use to allow us to move on to our life together. She promised that she wouldn't make a bunch of guy friends (something I have always had uncomfortableness with because of past relationships), she promised she wouldn't be buddy buddy with guys, and that nothing would come between us. I was devastated and alone, but continued to work despite her being gone. I wrote her letters everyday, sometimes 2, to make sure she always had something there for her to get her through those tough BMT days. After all, military isn't easy. I gave her all the attention and love she could want. My favorite letter was when she had told me about wanting to be married, and the plans for the next 8 years of our life. OUR life. Needless to say, I went down to her graduation and was so damn proud of her. She had grown and looked happy and confident. But something didn't seem right. She had changed, but I couldn't pinpoint it. I enjoy my time with her after not seeing her for two months straight. It was strained though, I couldn't hold her, touch her, hold her hand, kiss her. That was hard for me after being gone for so long. During her BMT duration, there had been times where she would send me messages that made me uncomfortable and all my emotions being bottled up, I wrote letters about my true feelings but didn't send them to her. I kept them until I could show them her in person as to avoid any misunderstanding and she could understand my feelings better. I showed them to her in the back of a store in the bases mall. She felt incredibly sad that I had been so affected by her making guy friends and having experiences with them. She hugged me for once and kissed me, something that could have gotten her in trouble, but she did it anyways. I felt so special! But after that, she went to get herself a new phone. Her own plan and got off her parents'. I asked her if she would put me on it and she said to wait so I dropped it. Now that she is in AIT, she can text me and call and have time on the weekends to talk. The thing is, when I would ask her to call me, she wouldn't. She would find excuses to not be able to talk. She would be watching a movie with friends, then suddenly they would start another movie or that they were walking around. There were always excuses. I confronted her and she said she wouldn't want to call because we would usually argue on the phone about why she wouldn't give me time or attention or call. I would get mad because at her time it would be midnight, and her friends would just go "walking around" on the base. What would a group of people be doing walking around on a military base at midnight for an hour? It sounded suspicious to me and thoughts of her past lies and avoidance had started arising. I started to think her lack of attention to me was because of another guy. I checked her facebook for messages and new friends. There was a new friend named Cory. Eventually she admitted to me that she had thought of him sexually. That pain from that had caused arguments with us for weeks. Eventually she realized I meant enough to her and agreed to stop talking to him because the problems weren't worth it. She deleted his number and blocked him from facebook. I was happy that the situation could be resolved but the pained feelings were still there. I expected things to get better. They didn't. She still wouldn't call me or be willing to call. Eventually our problems escalated and the arguments rose to talks of us not working out. During one exceptionally bad call, she told me, "What would you say if I told you the situation with Corey had happened again?" My heart instantly sunk. I understood the implications of the statement and knew this time it was worse. I was upset but asked her to expand upon that statement. She told me that there was a guy named Joey. She told me she thought he was hot and they had talked about sex. They had started off slowly as friends, and slowly it built up into them texting and eventually both of them told each other, in person, that they wanted to have sex with the other. She told him that she wouldn't though because she was still with me and wouldn't as long as she was with me. This became a giant wall in our relationship. This plus her changing our plans in order to attempt to pursue government work. She called off our marriage she had been planning up until her departure in september, we had even started picking out colors for suits and dresses and I had set aside money for it. My whole life was upside down. The woman who I thought I was gonna spend my life with was lusting for another man? My deep, buried anger and hate starting showing almost every day. She had broken her promises that she had made to me. Everytime I ask her why she broke those promises to me, she can't tell me. She avoids the question. Eventually this becomes a worse problem in our relationship. Everyday we fight about it and agree to talk about it when she comes down for her christmas exodus. So she comes down and we are still having problems. Her family hogged her and would give me hardly any time to be with her and I would get frustrated because we would set up plans and her family would override them and I would get screwed over. I would get upset with her for allowing it to happen. I don't know if that's right of me or not but she knew we had plans but didn't make it obvious enough to her family that my plans shouldn't be stepped over. I drop it and the next day I'm told I can't be there for xmas eve with her family but I can be with her all day up until their party.So I go to her house bright and early to pick her up. Her and I aren't arguing and are happy, she's got a smile on and I do too. I get curious and ask to see her phone. She starts to hand it to me, but recoils and types in her password and goes to her messages and I peek over and watch her delete a conversation with Joey then peek up at me as to see if I didn't notice. I did, and I was furious. I left her house right then. I waited outside for her to come out and as soon as I confronted her, she turned it around on me and said that this was only a problem because I don't trust her. She was right, I don't because she had admitted feelings and that she had talked to him about sex and lusted for him and she would blatantly hide a conversation right in front of me? Of course I was furious. I hounded her on it until she finally said, well it was because I had a conversation with him that I promised I wouldn't show anyone else. I said, well ok, I don't know the guy, just tell me. After all, you say you wanna marry me, so you should tell me everything anyways. She gave me a bullshit story that was a blatant lie. A little later, she said that she had still been talking to him about sex, even after she said she would stop. As she was getting her nails done, I asked to see her phone and she asked why. I wanted to see her contacts list and she said ok, then told me everything that was in it. She then handed me the phone and everything she said was in there. I felt at ease and happy. Eventually I requested her to get a copy of all the text messages she had sent him. She denied it and said she couldn't show me no matter what. She said she had told me everything that was in them but couldn't show me under any circumstances. I thought, she could show me her contacts list and she told me everything that was in there and it checked out. Why can't she do the same thing with the text messages? She's told me what's in them supposedly but she can't show me? It sounded like BS and my BS-o-meter was blaring in my ear. She would never show me. I even threatened leaving her, and suicide if she didn't show me. That was a mistake on my part, I shouldn't threaten her and I regret that now and understand I messed up with it and apologized to her for it, sincerely. The day after christmas, she broke up with me. She didn't say it to my face, over a text, or even over the phone. She changed her facebook status and profile picture. That seemed such an immature and childish thing to do on her part. If you're going to break up with me, do it and say it to my face when you're perfectly capable of it. I called her after I got a text from my sister asking if I was ok, I was curious as to what she meant and looked up what she had said. I called my ex and asked her if she had broken up with me. These are her exact words, "Yeah.. Yeah I think I have." At that point, everything shifted. I literally felt sick to my stomach and vomitted repeatedly. My whole life changed that day. I felt so destroyed that all the love and happiness I felt despite my past, had ended that day. We took a day apart and she said she still wanted to be friends and talk and work things out. I was so confused. She had just left me, basically cheated on me, lied to me, destroyed my trust and heart, turned my life upside down and then asked me to stay? Well anyways, I asked her to spend the night with me at a nice hotel for new years eve. I was hoping the amazing sex we used to share would once again reignite that flame. But she didn't, she decided to spend it with some old friends. So I spent my new years eve alone. The next few days, her mean demeanor had lightened up and she had seemed a little happier. For once I was seeing the old woman I had said goodbye to last september. Her and I had an amazing dinner one night and had sex. I had asked her if she was on birth control and for the past two months, she had said yes. After us having sex, she kept avoiding my gaze and acting suspicious. I knew something was wrong, I asked her. She said nothing, then I kept trying to look into her eyes and she kept avoiding it and saying nothing was wrong. Then eventually she said that she just wanted more. But that we couldn't so she got dropped off at her house. I texted her later and persisted on asking her what was wrong. She eventually gave in and admitted she had been lying about birth control. I was dumbfounded. Why would she lie about that? Why would she lie at all? I had been nothing but understanding and willing to work with her despite what she had done. Yeah I had emotional outbursts and pain and resentment but that's all natural given what she had done. I am fine for having natural feelings. Before she went back to Texas, she promised me to make what she did better. She also gave me the password to her email account, and facebook, and at&t account so I could see that she isn't doing anything that she shouldn't be. She finally got back to texas and things were ok for a while. But one thing still bothered me, she talked to Joey. But things were nicer, she sent me pictures and for a few days, she actually told me stories about hoping for out future and said things that warmed my heart and gave me hope for the future that she had once said to me. But things always came back to her still associating and being friends with him. It bothers me and makes me uncomfortable beyond belief. I have expressed this many times and she retorts with, "He's just my friend", "You make this a big deal", "You take this Joey thing too far", "You need to just let this go", etc. I really don't feel I should have to let her be friends with him still. Why should she still associate with the person who caused so many problems with our relationship. That's another thing, she says he didn't come between us. I feel he did, it takes two to tango. He told her he wanted to have sex with her too and likes her more than a friend as in an emotional attachment. She says, "So what if he has feelings for me? Sue him for it. At least he's honest." I feel it's completely ridiculous for her to act like that and say things like that. I feel its wrong for her to associate and stay friends with him if he was a contributing factor to the problems we had. Is it still ok for him to be friends with him, despite the past? Despite the past he wants her physically and emotionally? Well back to her and I. I feel that by keeping him around as a friend when she knows it causes tension isn't a good sign. I just want to be happy and restore my trust and move on from this. But things like that bug me too much to try and ignore. I have tried, but I can't and I sincerely have tried. But what happened nags at me everytime I know they're talking. She says she shouldn't have to let him go to help us move on. She says I shouldn't let him come between us like that and blame her solely for what happened between them and that it was only her and that he played no part in it. I keep telling her that both of them did it, but she won't admit it. Am I wrong? I am at the point in the relationship, or whatever it is now, that I'm confused and lost. I question what I feel is right and want to give in to her, but I know I need to make her show that she is willing to do anything to keep me. Should I be wrong for that? Should she be allowed to keep him as a friend despite their past? Does it not matter that her being so buddy buddy with guys bugs him? Lately, I have been looking up help online to getting trust back and working out long distance relationships. I want this to work, and I've given this everything. But I still feel like despite asking for attention, her time on the town going to karaoke bars and tattoo parlors with her friends takes priority over repairing our love and relationship. But she ensures me it doesn't. But I don't feel that way. Is it only ok if I feel that she is? Is she really doing it and I'm not seeing this and somehow, subconsciously sabotaging this in my anger? I have no money or means to get therapy or counceling for my anger or a relationship therapist. But I just want some help and guidance in my time of need. I'm sorry I wrote so much and asked so many questions. I appreciate the reply, Thank you for everything!
James
Hi James,
I am sorry to say that I will tell you what you will not want to hear. I am not a professional, but sometimes someone uninvolved can see a situation more clearly. I don't think that your girlfriend is in any way, shape, or form, ready to settle down with anyone. I think she still has a lot of maturing to do. You seem to be a nice man, who obviously has a very caring nature and who has the capacity to love. The reason why you feel so torn and confused is because the two of you are on totally different wave lengths. You are not on the same page. I know you love this girl, but I am afraid that if you continue with her, you are just going to continue getting hurt over and over. It is very possible that your girlfriend really doesn't even know what she wants at this point. She is fickle because she is confused herself. You should move on and let her sew her wild oats. Time heals all wounds if you let go. Save your wonderful love for someone who knows how to appreciate it.
hi, my boyfriend and i are suffering from major trust issues in our relationship and its tearing us completely apart. the only thing we have holding us together is the fact that we love and care about one another but he doesnt trust me and i dont trust him. although he has never cheated or i havent caught him atleast, everytime he says hes going to do something i always have thoughts in the back of my mind saying that hes lying or cheating on me. i honestly believe that he would never cheat but i cant keep my mind from wondering. i need help im not sure how to overcome this.
Hi David,
It sounds as though the two of you suffer from a great deal of insecurity. You cannot control what other people do, you "can" control your reaction. I would say to myself: "Let him be innocent, until proven guilty." You say he hasn't cheated on you and you really don't think he will. Let that be your reality. If you should find out that there has been infidelity, and there is proof, then you have to make up your mind what you want to do about it. Enjoy your relationship and love each other and don't worry so much.
Hi,
I have recently had some troubles with my boyfriend and its hard to get good advice from friends and family because they are biased. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 and a half years. we are both 22 now and started dating in highschool. We have managed to stay together this entire time, even though he was in the military and had to do long distance for almost two years. But this last year we have been having some problems. I have caught him lying to me several times. About two years ago he was talking to this girl we both worked with non-stop. they were having late night phone calls every night and i told him if i saw her number in his phone call log that it would be over between us, well then he started texting her non stop all day and i eventually found out from our phone bill. we got into a huge fight but we stayed together and worked through it because he wanted to make it work. He eventually got another job and never talked to her again. Then about two years after that he started texting a new girl from work, i was uncomfortable with it because of the previous situation but he promised it was platonic and he really just enjoyed her as a friend and she was married with kids so i had nothing to worry about. well it started becoming to much, she would text him at really late hours of the night or call him when she was drunk. And then i found out he had called her on his house phone so that it didn't show up on this phone. We got into a big fight and i said that was it. if he wanted to stay with me ALL communication with her had to stop. And he didn't argue he did just what i asked. he told her she could no longer text or call him because it was causing problems with us. And since then (about 6 months) neither of them have texted or called. However since then I have caught my boyfriend lying to me. Mostly things that if he were honest about wouldn't be that big of a deal. An example was last weekend he was out of town at his aunts and that girl from work called him in the middle of the night. i had no idea but just happen to catch her number on our phone bill. when i confronted him he said it was her husband who was really drunk and called him and asked if he saw anything at work about his wife cheating on him(he has just gotten back from being deployed). But he said that he did delete his call log so i wouldn't see her number on it. But if he would have been honest it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But I've caught him in two lies like this recently, that if he would have just been honest it would have helped rebuild our trust but instead he chooses to lie to me. I am very committed to him and cannot imagine being with anyone else, but I'm worried he with always choose the path of lying then telling me the truth, even if he knows i wont like it. My friends all think i need to leave him because I've given him so many chances and he keeps doing it, but i know he feels awful and is devastated at the fact that he might lose me, but i just don't know how I'd be able to trust him again when he continues to do it time and time again. But when we dont talk for a few days after these things happen I miss him so much and I still wanna be with him even after the lying so I just dont know if breaking up is the right decision even if he keeps doing it because I'm just so miserable.
-deeply confused
i have just lost the love of my life because i betrayed his trust (which i didnt think i did) but have come to terms with the fact that i did. but we kept seeing each other in a kind of Relationship without the title sort of thing. but now he says he doesnt want a girl friend but still wants to marry me i the future. what do i do?
-Heart Broken
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years- we started when I was 15 and he 18, so we were both very young and inexperienced. We have the greatest relationship, he is my best friend and I can't imagine life without him- but we have some skeletons in our relationship closet. A lot of our relationship has been long distance which was sometimes a stress-about 18 months ago he cheated on me. He was drunk and involved in a game of truth or dare with some girls that went awry. He came clean immediately and promised to change. I took him back, but things weren't really normal and a few months later we decided to take a break for both our sakes. We were only apart for a month and we still were emotionally together then, even though we were technically apart and had given each other permission to see other people. Once we got back together things were much better in our relationship- the time had given us some good perspective. In the following year things have been fantastic. We are very committed, and talk about getting married once we graduate from college. However, the other day I found out that during our "break" he went back to the girl he originally cheated on me with, and slept with her twice. I couldn't believe he had hidden something like that from me all year- we have never had problems with communication and always told each other everything. He only told me because my friend confronted him about it. He (of course) realized that he never should've hidden it, but said he just wanted to protect me and what we had and that he was so ashamed and hoped to distance himself from it by trying to be a better person. It's true that he's matured a lot in the past year and he is always striving to do whatever he can to make me happy and be the best for me, but I can't help but worry that he'll have those moments of weakness again when we're apart. He is a really great guy, just young and stupid. Is his determination to be better and pray and earn my trust back enough? I love him so much and have trouble imagining my life without him.
Hi Emily,
This seems to be a story of first loves, which are very complicated, very deep and unforgettable. The problem with first loves, especially when the two of you started out so young, and still are very young, is that you will change. Often times, you don't change in the same ways and you end up growing apart.
Now, regarding your boyfriend's infidelity...there is a natural curiosity about what others are like sexually, especially for men. I think they may have it all of their lives, but some may learn how to curb this appetite as they grow older and a bit wiser. They will set priorities, however, this same curiosity may afflict you in time as well. This is always a big problem with very young love. I understood that you gave each other permission to see other people during your break? I suppose then, technically, he did not cheat on you during that time.
I have heard of first loves that last a life time, although there are huge hurdles to overcome. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, and we are about to be engaged soon. However, a few nights ago, my ex-boyfriend sent me an aim message. We started talking, and unfortunately, we got into some really intimate details. I felt really horrible about it, but I didn't want to tell my boyfriend because I knew he would be mad for even talking to this guy. I really wanted to keep it a secret because I knew it would ruin things. However, this guy messages me again, and my boyfriend saw that we had talked and he saw what we said. He was really hurt and now he says that while he can forgive me, it will take time. I really need to know how to regain his trust. I feel really horrible about what I did. I do not have feelings for my ex-boyfriend at all, and I really love the guy I'm with. I want to fix this.
Heres my situation, I dated my boyfriend for 3 years. I also have a 4 yr old son who is not his & last March we had all moved in together. My boyfriend really didn't try to spend much time bonding w/ my son which bothered me but when he sometimes did show some effort I kinda just let it slide. Well In November of last year I deceided that I wanted to break up bc he didn't make anytime for me or my son & I didn't feel important to him anymore. We stay apart for 1 month & deceided to give it another shot bc he said he would change & make things better. In January I was using his phone & saw a text from a number I didn't know, well when I found it the number was a girl he dated before that he talked to behind my back I got really emotional & heart broken but we talked about it he said I had nothing to worry about so I stayed & forgave him. Maybe like 2 weeks later I see his phone bill & it turned out he talked to her a lot more than what was in his phone so not only did he lie to me but he deleted most of the text so I wouldn't find them. After I confronted him I left to go stay w/ a friend. He promised me they didn't do anything & that if I give him another chance he would change & spend time w/ me & more time bonding with my son. So I forgive him & come home. I go online at work to go check his phone record to reasure myself that I have nothing to worry about & he put a passcode on the account so I couldnt check it. So now we are broken up & he says we can work this out.. I just don't know can we?
My boyfriend and I have been living together and dating for around 8 months. We've always had a strong healthy relationship, until recently when I found some text messages in his phone. While I know it was wrong to check his phone the curiousity overcame me and I did it anyways. I found text messages from two different girls in which he was talking about meeting up with and hanging out while also telling each how much he would love to meet them and how beautiful they are. I also found pictures on his phone of one of the women in lingerie as well as pictures of him, shirtless. I decided to speak with one of the women telling her that he had been living with me and we have had a great relationship. She informed me that she had met him on a dating website and that he told her he was single and was making plans to meet her in a nearby town. When I confronted him, he freaked out. Took my phone and locked himself in our room and texted her from my phone acting as if it were his sister and that she had wished them the best of luck. After finally calming down and discussing things he told me he wasn't sure if he was having some sort of crisis or what was going on with him. He told me he did in fact want to be with me and only me and it was selfish of him to do what he did and that he in fact wanted to stay with me and work things out. He also told me that knowing I am the type of person that will go through his phone makes him not trust me and want to rebel and do these things behind my back even more, which I can understand. I want to work things out with him and have tried my hardest to forgive and forget. However the thoughts of these other women and the thought of him continuing to do this behind my back is killing me! I also know that I need to somehow regain his trust back...help!!!
Diane,
It appears to me that you need to regain your trust and your self respect more than the other way around. Why, after 8 months of togetherness, did you find it necessary to check your bf text messages? You must have been suspicious. So, what happened first, the chicken or the egg? The way I perceive your situation, your bf is trying to turn the tables on you by making you feel guilty and you are falling for it. It is obvious that he knew exactly what he is doing, which was deceiving you and the other women. Now he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I would be very careful with this man. He doesn't seem trustworthy.
I have a serious issue, I have been dating my girlfriend for over a year now, and I have trust issues... idk why? she has never wronged me in any way, or cheated on me. But I still try and find out who she is talking to or what she is doing. Its just weird man? I have never been cheated on in any relationship, so how can anyone possibly be as insecure as I am. It confuses me and frustrates beyond belief. I fear that if I do not change my ways thatI will lose the love of my life forever. Please, help me if possible.
Lars,
Trusting, like loving, is a choice. You must make the "choice" to trust and resist urges to spy and check on your girlfriend's doings. Enjoy what you have and don't worry so much. You have no control over what anyone does, not even your gf.
Hey Ron
have been married for about 5 months now, but have been causing conflicts in our marriage because am either receving texts and calls from exs. I also keep in touch with them through texts and phone calls. My husband is always furious everytime am caught. i always promise to stop which i do and warn my exs to stop but after sometime we start communicating again. Recently, i was on the phone with my sister and i mentioned that i was going to send some stuff through one of my ex to me help deliver to my family. Unknown to me that my husband was behind the door listening to my conversation. I also said ome terrible things about his dysfunctional family and plans to work on make some property investments behind his back.I just kept running my mouth. He confronted me about everything he heard which ended in an argument and i spoke with him disrespectfully in the process. He told me that i had betrayed the trust he had in me because of the ex issue and also the things i said about his family and that he's not going to tell me stuff like he used to. What can i do to gain his trust back and get the relationship back to the way it use to be. I feel so terrible and guilty.
Hi me and my girlfriend of 4yrs just got into a fight 2 weeks ago and i hurt her i broke her trust and my promise to never hurt her again a promise i never should have made.But now she is living in the past about eveyrhting such as i hurt her before i cant trust what you say etc. i Could really use some insight on what to do because ive admitted what i did several times and she keeps bringing up the same thing in she cant trust me cause who i used to be.
Hi,
I recently broke up with my girlfriend. I was chatting online with someone I thought I had gone to school with yrs ago and became flirty with her. It turns out that my girlfriend had created this person and got me talking to see what I would do.I already knew she had trust issues and either forgot about it or ignored it.
Hi Confused,
Don't know why you are confused. If the shoe were on the other foot and your girlfriend started flirting with another guy on line and you found out, how would you feel????? Maybe she has good reason not to trust you????
Rachel
thing is i think she was also flirting around with guys she never took her profile off a dating site that she said she had and was always receiving emails from that site saying she had a new message and would hide them before i could see anything until one day i saw that she had a new email.
Confused,
So, you both now have trust issues with each other, how sad. You are doing things behind the other's back, which is deceitful, and will build mistrust. I think you should both sit down together and have a heart to heart talk. You both seem to be at fault here, so you both will have to come to an agreement as to how you want to proceed with your relationship. Either you make a commitment to one another and honor the commitment or go your seperate ways.If you carry on with the way you have been handling things, your relationship will progressively get worse, creating a lot of heartache, until there is nothing left. I think communication is the key here.
Rachel