Repairing broken trust in a relationship can be very difficult. Many times the reason for the broken trust stems from infidelity or broken promises and these violations within a relationship can virtually destroy it. If you and your partner are committed to working through it though, you will find that your relationship can become stronger than ever.
Before any trust can be rebuilt you must address how and/or why it was broken in the first place. This is the time for brutal honesty. A complete confessional of how the trust was broken should only be done when you are both ready to hear it. Heartfelt apologies should be offered with indications of remorse and promises to not violate the trust again.
There is a massive amount of stress on your relationship once the trust has been broken. Reconciliation can happen first. This happens when both you and your partner make an agreement to work on the issues and rebuild the trust and the relationship. Reconciliation usually has to happen before forgiveness. It also indicates that you are invested in salvaging the relationship and not giving up on it. In many cases it will be up to the person that violated the trust to initiate reconciliation.
The most difficult task is then to forgive. It is never easy to forgive, but if you continue to hold on you will constantly live in a state of rage or anger. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you excuse abusive behavior. It does mean that you are able to work towards letting go of the past. Relationship experts suggest starting with forgiving your partner for their weakness. Your partner also needs to be ready to be forgiven and accept the consequences of their actions.
Sit down with your partner and reevaluate your goals. Remind each other what your priorities are and what unifies your life together. Sometimes a vocal or written commitment to the relationship is a good place to start. Try to avoid setting up conditions of forgiveness.
Getting outside help is strongly recommended. Make an appointment for the two of you to sit down with a relationship counselor. This should be a safe environment for both of you to be honest about how the trust has been damaged or lost. These counselors will have steps for you to go through that will help repair any damage, or in the worst cases, help you to safely walk away from each other.
hello, im having trust issues in my relationship. When me and my girlfriend started goin out, i broke up with her within the first week because i questioned myself about is this really the girl i want to be with, because shes always been my bestfriend and i didnt want to loose her as that. but then we had gotten back together, and she gave me another chance. But about 2 months into our relationship i started textin her bestfriend, and started flirtin, but the thing is, is that i dont even like her bestfriend and i honestly dont no why i did it, i 100% regret the move i made. I figured out now, that i cant live without my girlfriend, that im in love with her, and i no im only 14 and thats hard to say, but i really am. She took me back for a 3rd chance, everybody is tellin her how she messed up and im just goin to screw her over, but i no and i have told her that im goin to change for us, and i feel me changin and im tryin to prove not only to her but to everybody else that im different. I just get scared that shes goin to end up cheatin on me with another guy to get payback, and i wont know wat to do then because im fallin hard for her, she tells me shes not, and i think i believe her, but i no how she feels and i no that she is questioning us. i need help, i need someone to tell me wat to do to improve our relationship, i need help to no how to establish the trust we lost.
Hi Cody,
Your only 14 and already have such huge trust issues? This is a time during which you should be having fun, going out with groups of people, you should be getting to know yourself and what makes you who you are. Getting involved in deep love relationships at this point in your life is not a good idea. You still have so much evolving to do and you will be changing so much and so quickly in the next few years you wouldn't recognize yourself if you could time travel. Yet, I know that love feelings can be strong at any age. My guess is that you have trust issues because you yourself are insecure. Hmmm, how to unring a gong...you texted your girlfriend's friend and flirted with her...you can't take that back. The only thing you can do is prove to her from now on that you will never do anything like that again and that she is the only one. But, are you ready for a commitment like that? You both will be changing a lot and what if you don't change in the same ways? There is just a lot of heart ache down the road. My suggestion would be to ease up and just be a kid while you still can. Don't get too deeply involved in relationships yet. There will still be plenty of time for that later. Hope that helps.
I have been a relationship since september 2010. We hit it off very well and fell in love with each other. I love him more deeply than anyone who has ever been in my life. And he says he feels the same. In March 2011, He left and went on an out of state job. He flew me up there to see him in April 2011. He was there for about 6 weeks when i went to visit. Once i came home we hardly spoke, the calls and text got fewer and more time between them. He was working 7 days a week and 14 hours a day. I tried to take that into account. I started playing softball. He called one day and i was playing ball. I sent a text to let him know i would call later. Later on that night he called and was mad because he didnt know i was playing ball. He didnt respond to my calles or text for the next week. After he didnt respond to me for 4 days i went to the local bar and met some family members and had some drinks. I went three nights that week. I was so heartbroken because he wouldnt talk to me. He txt a week after we had talked and asked what i had done and where i had been. I told him i had been to the bar and who i was with. Now he says he cant trust me and he dont know what ive done. I was with family and didnt do anything but im not sure how to fix this now. He thinks i must have been with another guy if i went three nights in the same week. I was just lonely with him gone and needed someone to talk to and met my 1st cousin which is a girl there. I believe he loves me and i know i love him. but how do we put back together what we had. He is home now. He just came home 5 days ago. I seen him the 1st day he was home. We got into an arguement and he asked me to leave. He texted me two days later wanting to talk about me going to the bar. We talk all day everyday but it mostly leads to arguements. We make up before we get off the phone. He says he has a gut feeling i cheated. I didnt. I need any advice on it as fast as possible before its too last. Thanks
Dear anyone who can give some advice,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend since May 2010 and despite having been in a very bad relationship before this one, things started out great. We have known each other for about 10 years now. I worked really hard to trust him and was able to relax and be myself in the relationship, which is something I've never been able to do. Around Thanksgiving 2010 he went out with friends and took drugs after getting very drunk. When I called him that night he said horrible things to me such as "F*** you" and I heard girls in the background. After that he refused to answer the phone any more that night.
Since that night, things have been different. He apologized for that and I thought maybe I could handle it but considering he was on drugs, I don't know if I'll ever know the reality of what happened that night. All of his other flaws are also more apparent (or seem so to me) since I felt that I gave him a huge chance in staying with him after the incident. He has a female friend whom he calls all of the pet names he calls me (love, sweetheart, etc.) I have brought it to his attention that it hurts me but he told me I was being ridiculous. This friend of his also has told me that he really belongs with his ex-wife and he should be with her. She has also criticized me personally, only having met me 2 times. I have told him what she said and that I wished he would stop talking to her. He defended her by saying that she was probably drunk and that I shouldn’t say anything to her because she would just be mad at him. It broke my heart that he continued to defend her against me, when he says that I am his “everything.” I wasn't sure I had the right to do that, but it was really hurting me. He also kept a Facebook where he would flirt but his justification was that "he wasn't really interested so what does it matter?” Or that “she is just a girl I play video games with." I also want to ask him to stop talking to girls he has been interested in in the past, but I have not had the guts to do that as it would just start another fight.
I've been trying really hard to stick it out because I do love him and want it to work, but lately all we do is argue. Our most recent argument was over me overreacting to just another thing that I took the wrong way. We must have argued for 3 hours about that. And it finally came out of his mouth that "in healthy relationships, you shouldn't EXPECT anything." I disagree. I am a stickler for manners and doing things that you say you are going to do and I admit that I have probably driven him crazy repeating that and nagging about it, but it never changes. I don't think it is unreasonable to want the person you love to have manners when talking to you or making good on what he says he is going to do but he makes me feel bad when I get on him about it. He treats me more rudely than he treats his friends.
In an effort to make this sound less one sided, I do have difficulty showing emotions with him anymore. He used to reject me every time I made an initiative for sex, making me feel like a fool so I no longer initiate. He gets upset about that, but I have self-esteem issues anyway so being told he has no interest just hurts my feelings. I have a tendency to turn off when he is rude to me, which he hates and is not the best way to handle things, I know, but I don’t want to say anything that I will regret. I don’t want to yell at him. I don’t know if I’m just being stupid for staying with this but I’m having so much trouble trusting him because the words he says to me contradict his actions. If I am his everything, he should treat me that way. Not do things like get off the phone with me very abruptly because a he sees a girl he knows and tells me he’ll call me later. He justified that one by saying “I can’t just tell someone to f*** off. It’s not like we were having an important conversation.” It was just another thing to hurt my feelings. I know I babbled and this is probably hard to follow but any kind of advice would be nice because I am miserable in this situation and desperate for any advice.
Leila
I feel like I have sabotaged my own relationship. I have been with my girlfriend for a year and since the very beginning, I only wanted to keep this relationship sound and happy. She is the best! I have never felt so amazing with anyone and I can’t understand why I did some of the things that I did. Even more, I don’t exactly know how to fix the problems I have caused. In the very beginning, she opened up to me about some of her past issues and one of which was trust since her ex boyfriend was a serial cheater and shattered her trust more than once.
The first time I damaged her trust, I saw my ex-girlfriend without her knowing and lied about it when she asked me if I had seen her. I know that alone sounds terrible, but we didn’t see each other in a romantic way of any sort. When we broke up, we were still co-workers and there weren’t any raw feelings from that relationship. From my perspective, it was just getting breakfast with a friend that I had not seen in a few months. I guess what I am trying to say is that I never really loved my ex. She cheated on me early and I did not care much because I was not fully invested in the relationship. My girlfriend now, however, is incredible and I love her more than anyone in my past. It’s not even comparable. But, when she found out that I lied to her, she was crushed. The only reason I lied was because I wasn’t sure which was worse, telling her that I saw my ex which is obviously kind of weird (even though it really wasn’t for me) or just not tell her and know that there was nothing for her to worry about anyways. Well I wish I had told her because things were pretty rocky for a couple weeks. I think she understood though and we worked through that.
Up until last month, things couldn’t be any better. Everything was great and then I made a mistake that makes me even wonder what the hell I was thinking. Long story short, this girl from my past contacted me on a chat line and asked if I was in a relationship and I replied with a really shady answer like “I dunno, it’s always complicated. My relationship status is always changing. I should just get rid of it altogether.”
Well, when she saw that. She was once again crushed. This time with the confusion of “why?”
The honest truth is I don’t know why I didn’t just say “YES!” I have no intention of ever cheating on my girlfriend and I would never ever do that. But what I said was really deceptive and sketchy and when I re-read the messages it makes me feel horrible.
Also, these are really isolated events. It’s not just the ones she knows about, they really are the only questionable things I have ever done in our relationship. I guess I am just confused because I don’t want to hurt her anymore and even though I don’t mess up very frequently, the things I have done are messing with our trust and that’s the last thing I want to play around with especially since she has horrible past experiences with broken trust.
What is wrong with me/us?
Rome
Hi Rome,
Sometimes, when there is something heavy weighing on my mind, I will write down my thoughts, which you did here with this letter you wrote in this blog. Perhaps, if you showed this letter to your girlfriend, she would understand you a little better, even if you don't understand yourself. As we all know, communication is the key and the corner stone to any relationship. This letter would probably spark some good talks between you two, maybe clear the air, make things better. Just a thought.
Rachel
Dear Ron,
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. Over the past few months, we've been fighting more and more, and agreeing on less and less. To make matters worse, we've been in a long distance relationship for the majority of the time that we've been together. I have no transportation to see him, or means to find transportation to see him, either.
The long distance is going to get even longer this coming February because he's deploying to Afghanistan. He is going to one of the most dangerous parts of Afghanistan, which is especially dangerous now that the U.S. has killed Bin Laden, and I'm so afraid that he's going to get hurt, or worse, killed. We've already talked about this and he assures me that he will be okay. BUT he's written me into his will... which makes me even more nervous.
With all of that looming in the horizon of our relationship, I feel like I've hit a brick wall with him. I found out a few weeks ago that he had cheated on me for about a week. I found out early enough that the cheating couldn't progress, but I have the feeling that even if I hadn't found out, he wouldn't have progressed with the relationship with the other woman.
I can understand why he would cheat on me in this instance because our relationship lacks intimacy (for the most part) and we both crave it from one another. I know that this long distance is hard, but with his deployment looming like a boulder above our already fractured and fragile relationship, I'm afraid to lose him when he goes overseas!
He is also very hard-headed. I can't get him to try new things. I love to try new foods and experience new things, but I can't get him to try them with me. He does not value a higher education, which is a concept that I have valued my entire life. I go to school for Vocal Performance, and he is a truck driver. He says that he doesn't want that for the rest of his life, but he doesn't know what he's going to do when he's done with trucking. He's wanted to be a driver since he was little, and I'm proud of him for achieving his goals, but the fact that he is so against going back to college to get a degree absolutely floors me! It doesn't make sense to me. That is one of the main areas where we differ and butt heads.
I'm only 19, and am still confused about where I want my life to go as far as schooling goes, and as far as where I want my life to go location-wise. But the one thing that I do know is that I want to be there when he gets off the plane from his tour overseas. I want his face to be the one that I see when I go to sleep, and the one that I see in the morning.
I want him in my life. No matter where it may take me, I want him there. And he wants the same with me, at least he's told me that he wants me in his life. We've had a few discussions about after he comes back from war and we've both concluded that we want to be together and compromise to make that happen. I just don't want a few petty arguments to get in the way of that.
Please, if you have any advice on my situation, let me know.
Thank you for your help,
Kate (Overwhelmed Army Girlfriend)
Dear Ron,
I have been with my current girlfriend for about a year and a half on and off. The terrible thing is that I had been seeing another woman since before i ever met my current girlfriend. Needless to say, despite living in another country, the two found out about eachother on facebook. Months later the same thing happened with the same two women.
It is very contradicting, but I have always been madly in love with my girlfriend since I met her. Just the fact that I was talking to the other woman, is because of how I have never grasped the concept of monogamy. It has been about 7 or 8 months since the last time that that issue came up. We have become closer than ever. We have even started having sex up until 3 months ago(which is not something i have ever waited more than 2 weeks for. The thing is, is that my girlfriend is the best person i have ever/will ever meet in my entire life. We get along so great she is truly my best friend and i am not afraid to tell the entire world.
We have still had many problems that without being ignorant i can say are my fault. But two days ago she found out that i lied about going out to lunch with my friend, when really i went out to lunch with a different friend (who happens to be an ex from high school) and her friends. It was her birthday and i just had a beer or two with her and other people as well. The thing is is that my girlfriend has been nervous about the fact i am friends with her. So that i s why i did something stupid, i lied to her, because i didnt want her to worry about it. The truth is i have been very honest with my girlfriend with everything lately especially. It makes no sense why i lied and said what i said, because after discussing what we did , it sounds like my gf would have been alright with it, since it was my friends bday. Most of all she would have been grateful i was upfront about it.
So annyyyways, now she is incredibly angry at me and is sounding like she is very sick of me. She is combining everything i have done against how many things she has done...which is nothing at all. She has always been completely honoest with me, never done anything to hurt me really. I dont know why i did that, i dont lie to her about anything and have nothing to hide from her. I really want us to work and i know that i can/do make her incredibly happy. I know that she loves me and i love her very very much, she is the only woman on this planet that i was ever meant to be with and i want to marry her someday more than anything. I am just so unsure about how to gain her love/her trust back ?
Hi uh i didn't cheat on my boyfriend but the situation i was in made it look like i did...and my ex whom i can honestly say is just a tad bit crazy keeps calling his phone and telling him things that have never happend. Well the first time he did his i had my boyfriends support and trust but now...thats been wavered lot! What should i do?
Hello,
I am having some serious problems with my fiancee right now. We recently went to a wedding Saturday night. Following the wedding, there was an afterparty in the hotel we were staying. Being in the wedding party and staying up late the night before, I was exhausted. I ended up going to bed around 1 AM and my fiancee came to bed later that night. He was hanging out with other people from the bridal party. Yesterday,(Tuesday) I found out the while I was sleeping that night, he was flirting with the maid of honor saying "you are so hot" and grabbing her ass and putting his arms around her. Needless to say, I am an emotional wreck, I don't think I have any trust left in me and don't know how to fix this. He cried and told me he was sorry and he doesn't remember it (because he was drunk) and he loves me. I don't doubt he loves me but I am not sure if I can continue this relationship and he do it again to me down the road. I don't want to have to deal with this when we are married and have children, which we don't have right now. About three years ago, prior to our engagement, he met a girl on a dating website online and planned to meet with her while I was at work. I happened to look at his phone the night before while he was asleep and found messages from the girl. Apparently he was sending pictures of himself to her and other things that I don't know about. This too, has never left the back of my mind. I am heartbroken, angry, pissed off, disgusted and the list goes on. I am completely lost and don't know where to go from here. I am afraid if I forgive him, he will do it again. I honestly don't know if I can ever trust him again, but i don't know if my heart can take this break up. Thanks
Hi Lisa,
Your heart will take a lot more than you think it will...been there, done that. The important thing is that you don't make a huge mistake with the choice in your life's partner. Personally, I feel that people are not perfect and make mistakes. If the bridal shower situation was the only mistake your fiance made in the years you've been together, I'd say, give him another chance. However, you say that he had wanderlust even earlier on in your relationship and was planning on stepping out on you behind your back, which does not speak of integrity and it leads me to believe that he has a bit of a history and history repeats itself. If you were to ask me, I would say be weary of this man. He will break your heart down the road even more than he has already. Marriage is a huge commitment. He is showing you who he is by his actions, which don't coincide with someone who will be loyal. This is hard to hear, but better now than living in misery for years and dealing with divorce. Good luck...
Hello,
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for about 8 months. We love each other, and it has been pure joy for the most part. However, my girlfriend specifically asked me not to text one of our professor's (female) about 4 months ago. Neither of us have ever cheated on each other or gone against one another. After my girlfriend asked me not to text this certain professor, I stopped. A few months later I did text her and was caught by my girlfriend; we discussed it and moved along, I told her that I would not text the professor again. Well, about a week ago I shot a carefree text to the professor; I never thought anything of it, and since I never had anything beyond an acquaintance with this professor, what was the harm? Yesterday,my girlfriend saw a text conversation on my phone between said professor and me. As usual, the conversation was harmless and friendly in my eyes; like I said I have never cheated on my girlfriend and I strongly believe/know she has never cheated on me. Now, the trust is broken in our relationship. My girlfriend will not talk to me for a few days and is devastated. I feel absolutely horrible and am filled with regret. I never thought it was a matter that was this serious. I am scared for our relationship as we both need each other. Please help.
Thank you,
JP
JP
What seemed harmless to you was striking a nerve with your girlfriend. Evidently, she sensed something more going on or wanted to prevent something more from happening. Women's radar in this area is very keen and should be listened to. What I don't understand is why you couldn't honor your girlfriend's wishes to not have contact with this professor, especially if it meant so little to you. I can understand your girlfriend's reaction. It made her feel disrespected, deceived, it made her feel as though her feelings don't count, and it has put a black mark on trusting you. However, I think in this case it is still reparable. Moving forward, I would be very mindful of the promises you make, do what you say you are going to do, be where you say you are going to be, and lead your life in a totally transparrent way. In time she will know that she can indeed trust you again. Communicate with your girlfriend about your feelings and let her do that same. Let her know how much she means to you. Honor and respect each other. It all goes along with the loving.
Hi, I don't know what to do. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. I had a really bad lying problem when I was younger with my parents and stuff and when I met my girlfriend she helped me and it became a lot better. But I lied several times about talking to one of my exes after promising not to. She doesn't like him and he used to be an ass. But now after promising not to and doing it anyway she basically said "it's over" and of course I don't blame her for being mad. I just want her to know that no matter who I talk to I will always be faithful. But she doesn't trust me at all and doesn't feel like my promises mean anything. I will do anything to keep this relationship alive because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I know I screwed up. Help!
hi i have been with my boyfriend for 8 years and i found him messing around on facebook and he gave his number to a girl he doesn't even know and they were in touch although they have never met and she lives on the other side of the world! He deleted his account but i saw his emails and it turns out he also kissed another girl which is one of our 'mutual' friends i confronted him and he confessed and i also confronted her and she confessed. Soon he will be traveling to thailand with two male friends and I don't trust him what do i do?
He wants my trust and feels bad but i cant seem to let go and this trip is my worst nightmare coming true!
Louisa,
Try as you may, you do not have control of anyone's actions, but your own. It appears that your boyfriend is not loyal. You need to make a decision to either stay with someone you don't trust, or leave the relationship in search of someone you can trust.
Please help. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. I met him in the summer of 2009. He lived in my hometown where I would visit and I lived 4 hours away. So for the majority of 2009 we talked and would hang out when I went home. however, it got to the point where it was too hard to carry on the relationship with other people so we stopped seeing eachother and then eventually didn't talk. In February of 2010 I had by this point been messing around with another guy and I found out by a convo we had he was seeing someone too, however we both expressed that we would be together if we didn't have the distance issue. I was graduating school in that Spring and decided I wanted to move back home. I told him my plans and he was elated. He said he would cut it off and I agreed that I would do that same. This was in April of 2010. Since then, things have been good. We did take a break in the begining on this year jan 2011 because he had a lot going on and needed to figure things out. Not to say this is a good excuse. We reconciled a month and a half later and he expressed that we should've dealt with th issues he was having with feeling overwhelmed with work and the relationship instead of ending things. Things have been great since then. However, last night I found a ticket stub for a baseball game. He denied it was his and then after admited he went with a friend of his. He said he didn't want to tell me that he went with his best friend. He didn't want to tell me this because he didn't want me to be hurt that he was spending his other free time with his friend. He works 6 days a week and on his day off(monday) he always spends it with me. Tuesdays are suppose to be his days off too, but he's been working this day because it's a busier time of the year at his job and his regular two days off actually started this week and we spent them together. He says any spare time he has he would rather spend with me and this is 100%. No reason for me to be worried, but hanging out with a friend on occasion for on of these days off he will do, but not too often. He does still hang out with his friends after work and before if there's time. I work 9-5 and he works managing a bar so our hours our oppposite. his friends work in the same industry so they are able to hang out odd hours when i'm sleeping or at work. So last night he did confess to going to the game and said it was dumb for his to hid it. But something told me to check his phone and i found a text from a girl. he has an iphone so there were text from 2009..maybe further. i didn't look that far though. he's told me that he keeps in touch with a couple ex's but doesn't hang out with them and its through text. he does it in front of me and says it's because he has nothing to hide and there's nothing going on. However, this text was really flirty. The only line i read from him was "i want you." after i confronted him I asked to see his phone and he got really offended. then i told him what i found and that's when he pulled out the phone and let me read the text. he said in another part of the test that he was on price line looking up stuff, i assume to see her, but the text seemed to fall off. she was in town a few weeks ago he said and that explained her saying it was nice seeing you. other text confirmed that she went by his bar and that's how he saw her. he has been going through a lot lately with work and had a slight break down last weekend, but is constantly telling me how much his problems aren't about me and how he looks forward to spendning time with me. We get along great. I love his roommates. I've met his family on a few occassions. his sister is like his best friend and that's who he talked to prior to us getting back together from our break in january. he and i both agree that this relationship is the best we have because we share a connection on all levels. He fees that I may not bebale to trust him because of what happened and I said how much i dind't want to let this go, but i'm really hurt and angry. he apologizes and expressed that maybe we might have to because of this. I said we should take it day by day and when i asked him about if he would discontinue talking to his ex he answered confidently that he would because she means nothing to him. he did say that she may text and he might find it hard to not text back, but the way he said it made it seem that it would be to say hi and not to continue the inappropriate text as before. he and i do have to talk about everything again. but i'm out of town with my job for the next two days and he's seeing his family for his brother's graduation. i know this to be 100%. so we won't be talking in person until maybe monday. a phone call may suffice for now. please help. i know a situation like this is never pretty now matter how i or anyone defends it. I just don't want to lose him , because i feel like our relationship is really special and i want to work through this and not because i can't let go, but i truely care for him.i think he feels the same way from our talk last night but is nervous that i might not beable to move on. he did say if the shoe was on the other foot he wold move on. the "funny" thing is that i was in similar contact with and ex who i dated years ago and he flirted in this similar fashion through text. he mentioned coming to see me, but i always knew how i felt, that it was all for the attention and thrill that i did it. i never wanted to get back together with him. part of me wants to open up to my ex about this same situation i had. what should i do? i hope this situation isn't hopeless.
Oh i'm a different Christina from the one aboce. A correction from my above post(sorry so long. The line is "it got to the point where it was too hard to carry on the relationship with other people so we stopped seeing eachother and then eventually didn't talk." i meant it was too hard to carry on a relatioship because of distance so we stopped seeing eachother. And we cut off things with the people we were seeing during the start of 2010 when I moved back. Oh and he's 34 and i'm 27 just an fyi.
Christina,
You are thinking too much. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Trust is a decision you must make. My motto is, "trust until he proves himself to be untrustworthy". If that is proven, get out of the relationship because it will not get better. Do you feel you can trust your bf? If so, let it go and give each other space and personal freedom. You are still two seperate individuals.
Need some advice. My boyfriend and I (at our age we call each other husband and wife at this point) have been together over 7 years. On occasion I have questioned him about his honesty or where he was. I truly feel he loves me and is faithful to me, so it's not about another woman. He has an ex wife who he never officially signed divorce papers with, supposedly because of the economy and the financial hit he would take. I get that, even though I don't like it. He worked too hard to get where he is. He has a 30 year old son who just moved back home with his ex after leaving the army. He loves his son more that I could ever explain. I'm glad he spends time with him and have come to accept that this means seeing his ex a lot. I'm not jealous or threatened by that, I know the reasons they separated will never change and so does he. I'm not included in their little family relationship. His ex and son feel that I was the reason for their split and want nothing to do with me. I would never tell a man he has to choose between me and his son, so I tolerate a lot. Last night he said he was out biking after work. He came home and didn't seem like he was biking so I questioned him. After that I thought he was going to pack up and leave. He has always said trust is everything, and it's not worth it to live in a relationship without trust. How do we rebuild this? I need him to know that I feel threatened that he will leave me and go back to his "other" family now that his son is living home. I feel there is a magnetic pull just pulling him there. I thought that's where he was last night but didn't want to tell me. How do I tell him this without upsetting him?
Hi Suzy,
Let me get this straight...you've been with a married man for 7 years and now feel uneasy about him spending time with his wife and son?? A married man, is a married man, is a married man, regardless of his reasons for not divorcing. This kind of situation leaves you in a very precarious spot, totally unsecured in every way.
I understand that nothing will ever take the place of the love for a child, however, your boyfriend's attentions should never exclude you. I also understand the reasons for your insecurities and would think that your boyfriend should understand them too. How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Sometimes in life we must talk about things that we may not find pleasant to talk about, but communication is of number one importance in a relationship and you should not feel you have to worry about explaining how you feel for fear of upsetting your boyfriend. If I were you, I would rethink this whole life scenario because in the end you will be left holding the short end of the stick.
Hi Ronz,
I have a strange situation,I m say A
I have a female friend of mine, very close to me Say B, in relation past 8 mnths
she has other 2 friends very close to her say C and D,school friends
my friend n the other 2 friends C n D know each other,n are very close as well,
but the other 2 friends C n D do not know anythin about me A n my friends Bs relation.
Now my friend B spoke everythin about C n D to me every small details, but she didnt speak C n D anythn about me.
I take a lot of care of my friend so does C n D
Now it was a situation that I thought to team up with C to take more better care of my friend
I tried to win the faith of C by saying all to him what my friend used to tell me about C, every minute details,
at first C was shocked to know about me that B said all to me about them..
Since we all are friends we had nothin bad to talk for each other,
My only concern was since B C D were school friend if I can make a team with one of them to take better care of my friend
Later after an hour C called up my friend B to say that it was not fair She said everythin to me about them n they are not even aware..
after that m friend called me to say never show my face to her...
I explained her that I did for her happiness and better care..but she feels I broke her trust by disclosing myself to C
and that she was in embarrassing situation now with C
I really care for her feelings, her happiness, but she thinks I have broken her trust
what can I do to regain her trust
Hi Ebs,
This whole A,B,C,D thing is very confusing, to say the least, but breaking trust is clear. Whoever's trust you broke needs to understand that you didn't mean to hurt or be malicious in any way. Maybe there were unclear boundries, maybe there was some miscommunication. You must try to explain your feelings and why you did what you did and then never do it again. In time, the trust will return.
Hey Ron.
Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 2 and a half years. We moved to a different state together so she could help me persue my dream. In the past year, I have been caught 4 times chatting with other girls. Usually just friends I haven't talked to in awhile. It always starts out "How are you" type stuff, but it always ends with " Can I see your body" type deal. I feel like a complete pig. I would never phyiscally cheat on my girlfriend. Now since the last time this happened, she asked me to move in our guest bedroom. I really do love her so very much. Even when I apologized she said " I have already heard that and nothing has changed". I have gotten rid of Facebook and things like that so the tempation isn't there. She is the love of my life and I can't imagine a life without her next to me. Please Help
Hi Ron
I have been with my bf for 3.5 years we have one lil boy who is 3 and one wo is 8.
I hae a very big fear of my bf cheating - he works alot and spends alot of time at work and etc but I sometimes let my mind get the best of me and think things beyond work!
Its happened a few times now and I have accused him of cheating - he gets very upset about it - I dont watn to lose my bf and I dont htink he is cheating its this horrible fear I have and I cant let it go I dont know how to let it go but its to the point Im scared my bf is going to leave me bc of the accusations I make at him - can u help ?
Hi Ali,
You sound paranoid about your bf who you think might be cheating on you. I think that either you are a very insecure person who conjurs up these things in your mind because of fear, or you sense something is going on behind your back. Usually, women have a pretty keen sense about things like this, but that doesn't mean it is absolute fact. I think that before you acuse your bf of this behavior, you should have something to back it up. If you don't, I can understand why your bf would get a bit upset with you. More than anything, he should be understanding and reassuring, but most guys don't know how to handle themselves when placed in a situation like this. Just as in every other situation in life, communication is the key. You need to communicate your feelings precisely to him and he should do the same. I would suggest writing each other letters and then reading them aloud. At the end of the day, I wouldn't jump the gun and believe something like that unless I have some sustainable proof.
Thanks Rachel - next question is how do I fix what I have done he is to the point he dont know if he even wants to keep trying with our relationship bc I have accused so much :S
Hi Ryan,
Getting rid of Facebook is a good first move, which means that you are trying to change things in your life to make it right. There are a lot of temptations out there and, thanks to the electronic media, they are so darn easy to get to. Perhaps this experience was a wake-up call for you. "You don't know what you've got til it's gone"...Perhaps this has made you realize how much you value your gf. You need to tell her just how deeply you feel for her and that, although you misstepped, it will never happen again. It sounds as though she has significantly sacrificed for you already, so I assume her feelings for you are deep as well. If you mean what you say and back up your words with deeds, I think you will still have a good chance at salvaging this relationship. Going forward, however, no longer allow lies, deception, or secrets to enter in to your relationship. They are killers.
Ali,
Perhaps you could turn the table and say that the problem must lie with you instead of him. Tell him that you love him so much and the fear of losing him is just permeating every fiber of your being. Tell him that you need to work on this issue inside of you and ask him to help you do that by seeing a counselor, a third party professional, who could give unbiased opinions and suggestions on how to solve this problem. Men love solving problems...Also, you have two children together that need to be considered. You both need to do everything in your power to stay together, but stay together happily in a healthy relationship. Does that make sense?
He claims he loves me more then anything but he does be coem unhappy with all the fighting we do over my insecurities - I feel if we got love we can over come anything - but is it true? I dont want to lose this man he is an amzing person who i love with all my heart who is my one true love who took a long time to find - and i dont want to lose him over my insecuities I suggested counseling but he dont think we need it he thinks i can get over it bc he says he woudl never cheat - but he right at this moment he is very stressed with other things in his life such as work and stuff and i feel like that is was just totally wrong timing for my insecurities to come out and nwo i dont know if i can save this and I dont knwo where to try i have told him i love him and i want to be with him and i would try and do anythign to save us -- but what more can i do
A
Ali,
Stop all the talk about cheating. Don't let it even enter your mind and "decide" to trust. Just stop! Let it go and don't mention another word about it. Do nice things for him. Cook his favorite meals, have date nights where you dress for him, things like that and give it time. Good luck.
Thanks Rachel - Ill try your advice!
Dear all,
I´m really unhappy in my relationship and I really need a kind, sincere word, some help and understanding..my story is not about cheating..
I had a boyfriend for 8 years. Now it seems the relationship is over, at least for me. I don´t know if you will understand me, but I was always a "good girl". I never smoke in my life, and barely drink some alcohol, maybe on bdays or parties, but I rather despise everything that may lead to some kind of addiction. I really couldnt ever imagine I would have a bf, or a husband, who has some drinking or smoking problems. when I met my bf, I told him about that, and he promised me he would never act that way. However, he finished law school and got a job where all his colleagues are smokers and drinkers, always going to parties. since then, my bf changed. he started to join them, and i realized he is able to drink 8 beers per night when he is out, mixing it with I don´t know what else. He acted slightly drunk and I started to feel a kind of aversion when I saw him that way, it was remorseful. For me, it was a big shock and disappointment, to see him, the man I love, to slowly adopt this kind of lifestyle. I really believed he is a great, intelligent, strong man that is reponsible enough and can take care of himself. We started to argue over it many times, he promised he will stop, but he did it again and again. His "friends" from work truly made him change to a person I started to dislike. When his collegue called him, he ran. What the collegue thinks is a perfect idea. What he says is purely awesome. I heard these sentences over and over again. That´s when I started to realize what I have never seen before-that he is a weak personality. He adapted to them because he really wanted them to "like" him. He did everything to become one of them. I confronted him again, asking him if it´s worth it, and he said he sees nothing wrong with it unless it´s not happening too often. I tried to persuade myself he is right. However, when I was at his apartment, I often found several empty cans of beer all over. I started to realize he really needs alcohol that time..and felt really sorry for him and scared he would become and addicted person.
Time passed and I started to feel uncomfotable around him. A week ago, he went out with some of our common friends. I didn´t feel well, so I stayed at home. And the next day, I was browsing my Facebook page and found out that our common friend uploaded some photos of that night, and saw a photo of him holding a cig in his hand. I think I lost all my illusions that night. I confronted him the next day. He just arrogantly admitted that he is an occasional smoker, so what, like everyting is ok and why am I even questionning him that he lied me all these years, cause "he knows what is he doing". When I asked him what does he mean by occasional smoker, he refused to answer. That´s when I knew all my trust was gone. He was lying to me for 8 years.
Don´t get me wrong please, but I really hate smoking, and I find people ho are willingly harming their health crazy, I really don´t understand why don´t they ralize how much harm can they cause to themselves as well as others around them. I think there is nothing more important than our health. I was always having this opinion, and my bf knew it. He knew that I would never date him if he would be a smoker. And he did this to me..lying to me all these years. For me, it was always "normal" to despise smoking as we never had anyone who would need nicotine in our family, ever. my parents always taught me to don´t be a fool and live healthily. 99% of my friends have the same opinion, never smoke and never will. I never had anyone close to me who would need alcohol or cigs in their life. All my illusions, hopes, just crushed when I found out that I have such a bf. The only person I trusted 100% in my life.
Please, tell me, how can I ever trust him again? Cause I´m really trying, but all I feel now is disgust over how weak he is. I think he is doing it only because he want to fit in at work, he is basically doing everything for his colleagues, I don´t think he has some limitations when it comes to them. He did even buy a new car to look "more important" in their eyes, even he doesn´t have so much money to spare. It makes me wanna scream and throw up, when I see him acting like this. And the smoking thing..I don´t understand my feelings, but it just made me respect him less and despise him in a certain way..I feel it´s killing all my love, please help me to overcome this somehow..I just cannot imagine my life next to someone who needs some addictive substances..I can´t. Please help..
Dear Lilly,
My system keeps kicking me out, so I will keep it short. You have NO control over what your bf thinks, feels, says or does, but you do have conrol over yours. You may perceive what he is doing as a deal breaker, in which case you have the power to control your decision to stay with him or go. People change..he may not have been lying to you for all of those years, but he may feel the need to fit in to this group of friends he has chosen, again something totally out of your control. If you try to change him, it will lead to resentment. You must be happy with who he is, or you can decide to distance yourself from the situation. Hope that helps.
Dear Rachel,
thank you so much for your answer..my boyfriend approached me since then, crying and asking me for forgiveness. He was telling me the smoking and lying thing is going on for two years, and he really doesn´t undrestand why did he do this, calling himself weak, that he just doesn´t believe in himself and feels the need to do everything to fit in to the group of those people at work, as he feels they don´t like him.
However, I decided to keep my distance this time, taking a break from this relationship, as I just cannot look at him right now as I did before. I don´t trust him. I feel there is something really wrong with a person who is able to lie for years "to the one he loves". I told him I can´t imagine my life with a smoker and a liar. I have my boundaries, and I´m not able to cross them, it´s just against everyting I believe in, and I cannot act against myself.
He promised me, without me asking him to, to stop, telling me he will do anything to save our relationship. It sounds really nice, but I don´t know if he is strong enough to say no to those people.
We are off right now, and I´m here, full of doubts. I can´t see what he is doing when he´s with them, there is nothing that could help me to see he is really keeping his promise. I had never doubts about him. Before,he was my safe harbor, I always felt peace and love just thinking of him. Now I feel just hurt and distrust.
He promised he will never lie to me again and will do anything to make me trust again. He is writing me text messages everyday, saying he is thinking of me.
Do you think there is any chance to save us from falling? Is it love if someone is lying to you for years? I don´t know if I will ever feel the same for him as I did before.
Hi Lilly,
It is hard to say whether or not this will work out between the two of you. Couples have broken up and come back together for even worse offenses. Once trust is broken, it is difficult, but not impossible to repair. If I were you, I would give him a chance, not 2 or 3, jut one chance to redeem himself. He must agree to be totally transparent, you must be allowed access to emails, text messages etc. Nothing can be hidden in any way. If you feel that he is worth giving a nother chance to, then do. Drinking with his buddies is one thing, lying to you is another. Make him understand that he has put everything on the line and give it time.
Dear Rachel,
I found this while searching for "anything" on repairing "trust" issues.
I really don't know where to start but I will say that I married to an amazing woman; whom I believe is full of pain from previous marriages. I will also say that I can admit that there have been "trust issues" (caused by me) over the years (been together for 7), and I have put in work to make things better--though I don't believe she things so.
Here's the rub: During a conversation, my wife and I talked about a co-worker (actually one of the supervisors in the office) and how she was interested in a comment he mentioned about "swinging". Because she was/has been understanding of some of my desires, I thought under the "right" conditions, she would be able to live out a fantasy and things could move on.
Long story short, he began strongly pursuing/wooing her (the experience progressed from a one-night event to being invited to "stay over" for a week to being his "woman"--to which she says she turned him down) and she slowly began to "lose control"; having difficulty keeping things separate. I informed her of my concerns and how I thought she wasn't being "cautious enough." I watched my wife slowly unravel at the seams: from her defending the co-worker's actions, her crying at night, "I just don't know what to do.", and her sending text messages (I snooped). I can admit that I had become annoyed with the situation because she does work with him.
Everything seems to lead to an argument...even though she says, "I'm over it and told him I am done." I just don't understand. I even told her that if it [the experience] meant that much to her, we could find someone to meet that need if she wanted. I keep trying to move beyond it but she keeps bringing it up so she can "find out how" I "look at things for the 'next' time someone finds me attractive."
On one hand, I feel I cannot make a "big splash" about this because I know my past (with her) but I can't help but feel threatened, insecure, hurt, angry, and a little betrayed (because she says she "understands" but doesn't give me the feeling that she is sincere and by my own feelings).
I love her and would like to work things out but the situation is beginning to get a little unbareable because of the constant arguing and her failing to allow the waters to smooth.
I need help trying to move beyond this situation. Your comments are appreciated.
Hi Jason,
I have a bit of experience with the subject of swinging and therefore I can tell you that when you involve yourself in that life style, you are playing with fire. My X had his fantasies, which turned in to obsession and the eventual break-down of our marriage. I can also say that men and women generally feel very differently about it. It appears that your wife became emotionally attached to this coworker and is possibly feeling guilt and torn between you and the other man. What she says to you and the way she is acting is very different. She is not "over" him or the experience because she has developed a connection with him. This is my interpretation about what is happening. I think it would be very wise for you both to seek professional help with a good marriage counselor. I hope that helps.
Dear Rachel,
thank you so much for your patience and kind words, and for all your help..I really appreciate every minute you spent answering me. It really helped me, to speak to someone who actually listens. You´re doing a great thing here, on this blog, helping others to overcome their problems. Thank you again for your support. Wishing you all the best.
Dear Lilly,
It is not often when someone thanks me for my comments, but it is so nice to know that they are appreciated. I do this because I have been where you are. I trusted my husband with my life, only to find out that he had lied and cheated for years. I remember feeling so confused and like such a fool. I was desperate and I needed a supportive shoulder to lean on. I am no counselor or psychologist, but sometimes an uninvolved third party can see things a bit clearer than the person going through the ordeal. I am very glad that I can help at least a little. Good luck to you in your relationship and thank you for your kind words.
Thank you dear Rachel..I´m so sorry to hear about your husband. I understand your pain..He sure had to appreciate such a wonderful woman. I believe that at the end, everybody gets what they deserve, love for giving love, lies for telling lies. What goes around comes aroud. And maybe all these bad things just happen because there is something better and greater waiting for us out there in the future..good luck to you too and wishing you all the happiness. It was a pleasure meeting you here, thank you.
OK, SO IM GLAD IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON GOIN THRU RELATIONSHIP ISSUES..BUT I DO BELIEVE I NEED ALOT OF ADVICE IN FIXING MINES..I FEEL MINES IS PROBABLY THE WORST..WELL HERE GOES..ILL START BY SAYING THE REASON I DID WAT I DID..
I HAVE BEEN WITH MY FIANCE FOR 5 YEARS NOW..HE WAS A XBOX GAMER WHICH I DIDNT GET INTRODUCED TO UNTIL A YEAR LATER..BUT THE FIRST 3 YEARS OF THE RELATIONSHIP WAS GOOD..SO I DECIDED TO JOIN HIM WITH GETTIN MY OWN XBOX (IF YOU CANT BEAT EM, JOIN EM) SO AFTER AWHILE HE STARTED GETTIN EXTREMELY INVOLVED IN THE GAME..IT WOULD BE DAYS I WOULD COME HOME AND NOT GET A HUG OR KISS OR A "HEY BAE HOW WAS YOUR DAY"..THEN HE WOULD PLAY SO MUCH THAT HE WOULD GO ALMOST A WEEK WITHOUT SLEEPIN WIT ME..I WOULD SIT HIM DOWN AND TALK TO HIM ALL THE TIME AND TOLD HIM IT BOTHERED ME AND THAT I FELT LONELY..HE WOULD CHANGE ONE WEEK THEN THE NEXT IT WOULD BE BACK TO THE SAME THING..
THEN BESIDES THE XBOX THING..HE TEXTED RANDOM CHICKS (ALL WHOM HE MEET ON THE XBOX) AD ASK THEM FOR PICS OR BE TALKIN NASTY IN THE CHATS.. IFELT THAT WAS WRONG FOR GIVING OUT HIS PERSONAL INFO TO RANDOM CHICKS..SO WE BROKE UP OVER IT..I LATER TOOK HIM BACK..THEN HE DID IT AGAIN A COUPLE OF MONTHS LATER..IT WAS JUST A FEELING THAT I NEED TO CHECK HIS STUFF AND BEHOLD I FOUND MORE STUFF..HE HAS ACTUALLY DONE THIS 3XS NOW AND I ALWAYS FORGIVE HIM BUT NEVER FORGET..SO AFTER ALL THIS I STILL TAKE HIM BACK..I ATTEND SCHOOL AND I WORK FOR HIM AND I FELT WE ONLY HAD SEX WHEN HE GOT BORED WITH THE GAME..SO I DEBATED WHETHER TO LEAVE HIM FOR ALMOST A YEAR IN 2010..HE NEVER CHANGED OR SHOWED ME MORE LOVE SO WE BROKE UP IN 2011..SO WHEN WE BROKE UP I DECIDED TO TALK TO 2 OF HIS FRIENDS OFF HIS XBOX LIST..AT FIRST IT WAS ONLY TO GET INFORMATION ON HIM AND ALSO JUST TO LASH OUT..THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE LIKE "THATS MY BOY, BUT WHY BE WITH SOMEONE THAT YELLS AT YOU LIKE THAT OR TREATS YOU THAT WAY"..AND HE WAS HE HAS REALLY BAD ANGER ISSUES AND WOULD FUSS ME OUT PLENTY OF TIMES WITH PPL LISTENING AND EVERYTHING..BETWEEN THAT, BEING RAPED WHEN I WAS SMALL, AND ALWAYS HAVING LOW SELF-ESTEEM I ALWAYS FELT UGLY OR USED SOMETIMES..I CRIED PLENTY OF NIGHTS..I JUST FELT THAT TALKIN TO MY FIANCE WAS ALWAYS POINTLESS B/C HE WOULD JUST YELL ABOUT IT LATER.
SO TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT..WHILE WE WERE BROKIN UP I TALKED TO HIS FRIENDS(WHOM ARE MILES AWAY), I ALSO WENT AS FAR AS SENT NAKED PICS TO ONE GUY..I JUST WANTED TO FILL THAT VOID AGAIN AND FEEL I WAS BEAUTIFUL..IM NOT A UGLY CHICK AT ALL EVERYONE SAYS IM TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE STRESSED ALL THE TIME BUT I FEEL DIFFERENT..SO HE TOOK ME BACK A MONTH LATER BUT NOW HE CHECKS MY STUFF EVERYDAY AND CANT SEEM TO TRUST ME ANYMORE..I JUS DONT KNO WHAT TO DO..IVE TOLD HIM I MADE A MISTAKE WHILE WE WONT 2GETHER HE CHEATED WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP AND I GAVE HIM CHANCES BUT HE WONT GIVE ME ONE..HE CRIES ALL THE TIME ABOUT WHAT I DID BUT IVE CRIED ALMOST ALL THE TIME OVER HIS..PLEASE HELP WITH SOME ADVICE WITH WHAT TO DO..I REALLY LOVE HIM ALOT..5 YEARS IS TOO LONG TO JUST POUR DOWN THE DRAIN...
AND ALSO I TALKED TO A MALE IN MY HOMETOWN WHOM COMES OVER TO GET HIS HAIR BRAIDED WHO WAS CONSIDERED ONE OF HIS FRIENDS..SO YES I MESSED UP BAD PLEASE HELP...
Hi Crystal,
It appears that you have very bad self esteem issues. Have you ever heard of the saying:"You must learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else?". If you felt good about yourself, if you loved yourself, and felt that you were worthy of respect, you would not let anyone treat you disrespectfully and/ or abuse you. It sounds as though your bf is a user with no regard for you. He knows that he can do whatever he wants, say anything he wants, hurt you as much as he wants, and you will just end up taking him back, which then repeats the whole cycle. History repeats itself. I think you need to find yourself, take self help classes, learn to love yourself. I also think you need to separate yourself from any man, especially your bf. Be strong because this man will only give you heartache.
Hi there.. I need some help.
I have been in a long distance relationship for more then 4 yrs. its loooong n i mean continents apart.. we have met just twice fOr few hours..
i love my bf aloot and so does he.. but thr are soo many problems happening between us. nothing feels like before.. things have changed.. we dont feel the love in the air.. but we do know that we love each other.. we dont enjoy talking/texting.. whole day he stays angry with a bad mood.. this makes me angry aswell.. this continues daily.. we just dont know why? wats happening?
sometimes, he brings back the past issues and starts talking abt it.. this creates arguments and quarrels.. he doesnt take things easily.. he takes it to the heart.. and doesnt forget it..
but im the opposite.. i take things lightly n forget them..
i just dont know what is happening in our relationship.. the time difference kills..
n its very hard to maintain trust in a long distance relationship.. but we did.. until when he boke my trust twice.. n NO its not becuz of anothr relationship.. but because he started smoking and he didnt tell me until after 3 months.. he was hiding.. i know its not a big thing.. but i trusted in him blindly thah he wouldnt get into any bad habits.. and just after few weeks again my trust was shattered when i found out that all through our 4 yrs together, he has been having tobacco.. it was a blow on my face.. and an arrow hit on my heart..
but still i forgave him n took it lightly n let it go. but he just brings back the past.. the things which ive done with him.. he dsnt take it lightly..n this cause arguments between us..
WHAT SHOULD I DO? PLS HELP ME..
Hi Sabrina,
You need to TALK to your bf because only you and he will be able to figure this out. Long distance relationships, over the long term, don't seem to work out. I would make some plans to either be together, or not, but communication is the key, especially when you don't see eachother face to face. He may not be getting his needs met.
Hi Ron,
I need some help, everyone I speak to feels my situation is black and white but I am so confused. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He lives with me and throughout our relationship he has shown no signs of growing up even thought we are almost 30. For most of our relationship he was unemployed but spending my money buying himself presents online almost every day. I installed a Key logger onto the computer to see if he was looking for a job and found that he wasn’t and was using Facebook to send flirty messages to other girls. I was upset but they seemed innocent so we moved past it and I stopped snooping. Finally a few months ago I decided to break it off with him, I felt like there was no future unless I was willing to support him forever and I would never get the things I wanted in life. Once he was moved out I started to miss him like crazy and regret the breakup blaming myself for so many of our issues. Within a week of our breakup he took a trip with his friend and started texting other girls like crazy. I’ve always had trust issues so I looked through his phone records, the phone is in my name since he doesn’t have the credit to get one for himself. We started seeing each other again and talking everyday. During this time I took my friends and family's advise and went on dating sites to try and move past the hold he had on me. During on of our sleepovers he hacked my facebook and found a message of me telling a friend I went on a date. Nothing happened on my date but he freaked, at the time I defended his disgusting actions saying that I was wrong and let him pretty much control my life to get him to forgive me. He moved back in without us having a conversation about why it ended, I think because he was worried if he couldn’t watch me I’d date again. I wouldn’t have if we were together but at the time he told me he didn’t want a relationship with me or anyone. Since he moved back home I’ve have this gut feeling that something was going on. Finally two weeks ago I was able to get back into the phone logs and see that he stays up all night while I sleep for work texting other numbers. Last weekend he sent over 250 text messages and pictures to a number from 2am to 5am. I couldn’t take t anymore so I contacted the girl. She confessed that he told her he was single and that they had a very sexual conversation which included naked pictures from both of them. She sent me the pics and they were all him naked in my basement showing everything! I confronted him and he didn’t have much of a defense. He has always been once to hide his cell phone and would never let me touch it or know his passwords. Everyone tells me I should kick his ass out and move on but I feel so numb and I don’t know what to do. I know he brings nothing to the relationship and sits in my house all day unemployed and watching porn. Please help, am I being stupid that he’s not already on the curb?
Hi Pamela,
There are two kinds of people in this world, the users and ones who let themselves be used/abused. I think you can figure out who is who in your scenario. The question is, why is it that you allow this man to walk all over you, use you, and sneak around behind your back? What are you getting out of the deal? Are you afraid of being alone? Do feelings of insecurity make you think that you don't deserve better? Your friends are trying to make you see the light, make you see that this guy is merely out to get what he can from you,and does not care about you or your feelings one iota and you are "letting" it happen. You are his money pit, nothing else. The sooner you see this, the better for you. There is plenty of literature out there on why it is that certain women let themselves be doormats for men. I would suggest you read and maybe seek a counselor to help guide you to emotional wellness. It is true, often outsiders, people who are not directly involved in the situation can see things far clearer. Listen to your friends, they mean well.
Thank you very much for the advice Rachel. I know everyone is just looking out for me and I know if I was outside the situation I would have the same advice for them. I really don't know why I stay. I really don't think it's about my worry that I won't find someone else as know I have a lot to offer and even with my short escape into the dating world I proved it was easy for me to find good men who were interested in me. I guess I feel like he's my best friend and by leaving him I loose him as a friend as well. That being said as I type this I know I'm been naive because I get nothing out of our friendship either, it's always on his terms, weather he feels like doing something on not. It is an extremely one sided relationship and I know I deserve better. I need to stop second guessing myself and kick him out of MY house.
Pamela, Good for you! You are on the right track.