Repairing broken trust in a relationship can be very difficult. Many times the reason for the broken trust stems from infidelity or broken promises and these violations within a relationship can virtually destroy it. If you and your partner are committed to working through it though, you will find that your relationship can become stronger than ever.
Before any trust can be rebuilt you must address how and/or why it was broken in the first place. This is the time for brutal honesty. A complete confessional of how the trust was broken should only be done when you are both ready to hear it. Heartfelt apologies should be offered with indications of remorse and promises to not violate the trust again.
There is a massive amount of stress on your relationship once the trust has been broken. Reconciliation can happen first. This happens when both you and your partner make an agreement to work on the issues and rebuild the trust and the relationship. Reconciliation usually has to happen before forgiveness. It also indicates that you are invested in salvaging the relationship and not giving up on it. In many cases it will be up to the person that violated the trust to initiate reconciliation.
The most difficult task is then to forgive. It is never easy to forgive, but if you continue to hold on you will constantly live in a state of rage or anger. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you excuse abusive behavior. It does mean that you are able to work towards letting go of the past. Relationship experts suggest starting with forgiving your partner for their weakness. Your partner also needs to be ready to be forgiven and accept the consequences of their actions.
Sit down with your partner and reevaluate your goals. Remind each other what your priorities are and what unifies your life together. Sometimes a vocal or written commitment to the relationship is a good place to start. Try to avoid setting up conditions of forgiveness.
Getting outside help is strongly recommended. Make an appointment for the two of you to sit down with a relationship counselor. This should be a safe environment for both of you to be honest about how the trust has been damaged or lost. These counselors will have steps for you to go through that will help repair any damage, or in the worst cases, help you to safely walk away from each other.
I commend anyone who actually reads all of this, but I need some major help. I have been with my girlfriend a year now and it has had its fair share of ups and down. I made the mistake in the beginning for starting a relationship with someone who was in no way shape or form ready for a relationship. She had just gotten out of a horrible break up with her ex if 2 and half years. Before the break up they were engaged planning to be married in a few short months and planning on having children. However, that did not happen, her ex cheated on her and left her for the other person. Which caused my girlfriend to move out and move in with her parents because she had nowhere to go since she had just quit her job because they had moved a state away from where they lived previously. Her mother lives 26hrs away. So anyhow I met her no more than 2 weeks after the break up. I had no idea at the time how serious her previous relationship was. Ever since the day we met we have been inseparable. Which are a good and a bad thing. For the next couple of months she continues to talk to her ex on and off through text. About what I’m not sure. I only know because I had checked her phone records. Which I know is very wrong but I needed the validation that I was right. Then my girlfriend finds out that her ex is now married with a baby on the way. Only 3 months after their break up. This would mess anyone up. Anyhow during this whole time she lead me to believe that she wanted to be in a relationship with me and loved me( even though she knew she was not yet ready). In my mind I didn’t understand how you could be in a relationship when you are still in love with your ex. I know if you are still reading your asking why I am still with her. I have a weakness for trying to help others. I guess it fills maybe an emptiness from when I was a child that has not been filled. The problem is I fell so hard for her when I met her that I was blinded by everything. I was selfish and wanted someone who was not emotionally available. So during this whole time for at least 6 months she was unemployed looking for work. Where we live a decent paying job is a rarity to find unfortunately. So needless to say I had a very well-paying job and I paid for everything from food cigarettes and even filled her gas tank up weekly for her. The reason why was because I lived 30 min away from where she was staying and she would drive out every day (not an exaggeration) to see me and spend the night. So by month seven as you can imagine I was at my worst. I resented her for a lot of things. She wanted affection and to be held as most women do, but wouldn’t do it as regularly as I did. I know relationships are not about what someone does for you. But it is nice if someone can give you reassurance and validation for what they feel for you right? I was just looking for her actions to validate her words. And her excuse was that she was not an affectionate person. I know is not the truth being that she had previously told me what she had done for her ex. I never asked she just told me before we actually dated. When we were just getting to know each other not planning to start a relationship yet. So it hurts to know that she has the capability but just doesn’t show it regularly. She goes through cycles now where she will be a little bit of affection which I will take any I can get. And then she goes through a cycle where it far and few between is like I feel like I am the only one in the relationship. Granite, her family is not affectionate so I understand that. I come from an affectionate family so of course it is hard for me to understand if you say you love someone why is it so hard to say it and show it all the time. To give you a little bit more info on where else I am coming from and why I feel so bitter. there have been a few times recently within the last 4 months or so where I looked at messages and texts where she talked to her friends about how she misses her ex and how she doesn’t think that she will ever find that happiness again. And that the last thing her ex said to her was that they will always love her and know they made a mistake but cannot change now. My girlfriend said that she holds on to that in hopes that one day things will change. Uggh and also I seen where one of her old friends asked her if she was seeing anyone and she said ya that I was a rebound that was in like may. Now we are at the point now in our relationship where she is ready to move on from the past and I cannot let go of the resentment from everything that I have been through. I just don’t know how to believe that it is for real this time and that she is ready to be with me and love me and me only and forget about her ex. the problem is I love her too much that I am willing to do anything I can to better our relationship. I know that there is huge potential, but I am at a point that I don’t know how to move forward from the past and trust her. Also, to paint the picture full for you.. We now work together as well are on the same shift and also car pool together and lastly live together. I do not want to let her go I want that to be the very last resort so if anyone can give me so advice that would be greatly appreciated. Also your opinions would be great. Am I crazy or just worried about something unimportant? How do I forgive and move on?
also in addition to the break up 3 months later her grandfather passed away. she was completely devastated by. so she has been through an immense amount of heart ache to say the least so that is why i ask am i focusing on something unimportant?
Hi Dominic,
You seem to be one of those wonderful giving and loving people, but you have to be careful not to allow someone to use you as a doormat, which, to some extent, it may have already happened here. People come in and out of our lives for reasons. I am sure you have provided relief, support, and comfort to your gf while she was grieving her past relationship and that takes a lot of time and patience, however, you must ask yourself what your relationship with her now is built on. Were you merely there in her time of need to be support, or does she really feel for you in the truest sense? The texts you read were painful and not something that can be taken back. Those thoughts will always reside in your subconscious and may prove to be a barrier from moving forward. If I were in your position, I would need to know that the past truly is the past. I would ask her to be completely open with you regarding texts, emails and phone calls because trust is now an issue for you. In time, she may be able to prove to you that she is serious about you and that she is over her ex, but it will take diligence and commitment on her part to make that happen. If she doesn't, my guess is that you will not be able to forget or forgive and the relationship is doomed. I wish you luck.
I am willing to try and forgive and work towards being open and honest about what i have seen and the emotions that have been eating away at me for so long but the only issue is when do have any conversation about her ex and anything that i felt and went through during this time. she gets extremely defensive and says that i need to get over the past. the more i try to bring up the issue to try to clear the air and try to move forward she shuts down emotionally and it basically sends her back. which in my mind make me feel that she is not over her ex or she wants me to be similar to her ex.. meaning the relationship they had prior to the break up. One issue that i had not previously mentioned is that she suffers from bi-polar and depression. so as you can see i basically have to tip-toe around certain areas. but i dont feel that it benefits either one of us by doing that. Do you have any suggestions on how i should approach her or position the discussion. that way she does not feel attacked i guess. because i do not want her emotionally going backwards i want her to move forward. i want to bring it up soon because we got into a huge argument yesterday about how i feel like she just doesnt care sometimes that she is just going through the motions. we said some extremely hurtfull things as can sometimes be done in arguments. she had stated that i will never be as good as her ex yada yada you know how people say stuff to get at you sometimes when they are hurt. but i dug even deeper at her which i shouldnt have the way i did. i basically threw it in her face how her ex left her and is now having a baby and married that the relationship must not have ment that much that her ex moved on with that person immediately no break and is now married and going to have the child now in a month or so not sure.. but anyhow granite i should have never said that i was just to the point that i was so hurt and over not feeling like i even mattered to this girl that it just came out.. i am definitely not trying to say that again in our next convo. so if any.. do have any suggestions on how to open the convo and how i should tell her how i feel without it seemingly like i am pointing the finger at her for everything that it is a mutual convo and i want to move forward? again thank you i appreciate any advise offered
Dominic,
If I understand you properly, you are talking past each other. It is hard enough for men and women to communicate effectively without adding bipolar to it. I would suggest going to a counselor who could mediate and help you both communicate, help you understand the other without hurting each other. If she is as serious about the relationship as you are, she will not only agree, but welcome the idea. This may take a lot of work. Good luck.
Lately our relationship has been going out of control. But before the main part I need to tell you this part: I've been with many other girls before this girlfriend and the others in the past has all cheated on me which has left me shattered. But this one is the real deal and in knowing that, I went overprotective and in a way I said things to her because of my insecurities of losing her, which now left us temporarily separated. She is truly the love of my life and I want to be with her forever and always but I need some advice in how to handle this situation in getting her back and right now I'm lost. I'm constantly fighting now to regain her trust back and have her come back to my life. I need help and if anyone has any advice for me to cope with this and change my ways, I will greatly appreciate it.
I would really like some advice. I recently separated from my fiancee. We split up a month before our 9 year anniversary. We were supposed to go to Cedar Point one day with a good friend of mine and the girl he was seeing at the time. Well that didn't work out so well because she wasn't feeling good and she didn't think we could afford it. We got into a argument about it the night before and I told her that I would go alone if she didn't want to. I then went to bed knowing there was still tension between us. The next morning I woke up to my friend calling me and telling me about how he was depressed because he found out that the girl he was seeing had an abortion behind his back. Needless to say he was depressed and talking crazy. I told my fiancee that I was going to spend the day with him because I was worried about him (I lost a cousin 2 weeks prior to suicide). She said okay so I kissed her and told her I loved her and I would be home later. I ended up spending the whole day with him and we eventually wandered to the bar. I got into an accident on the way home and got in trouble with the law(since then I have paid the penalty and I am fine now, thank God). When I arrived at home she was so upset with me she left that night. The next morning my sister called me saying that my fiancee called her because she couldn't talk to me and wanted me to leave our house. Well I left and I haven't been back since (this was 2 months ago). I went to go stay with the buddy I was with when this all went down (I had no where else to go). I tried talking with her the following week but she said I scared her and broke her heart because I was careless and could of got in more trouble than I was already in. The weeks followed and she contacted me so we could talk. She said that she was moving her little sister into the house and she wanted me to move out. She was very angry at me and the choice I made that night and didn't know what the future would hold. She is afraid that I will never change because I would always drive home after I have been drinking. I didn't do it all the time but the fact that I still did it was breaking her heart. She gave me the engagement ring back and said that she needs time to think on what she wants. Well it's been 2 months and we don't talk a lot and I don't know what I should do to work this out. I have been giving her space and not contacting her except for when it is an absolute must (gathering my belongings from the house and bills). I love her so much and I have never been away from her this long and it's killing me. I am very afraid she will move on and find someone else after what I did. I saw her recently and I told her that I was sorry and that I loved her like no other. I explained how I haven't been drinking and I felt guilty because of the pain I have cause her. I lost everything that I loved and I don't know what I can do to repair what we once had. Is there any advice that you can give me?
Hi Pat,
My gut feeling about your situation is that your fiance left for more than just that one incident you described. When people are together for such a long time without being married and without having children together, it appears easier to break things up. Somehow, that marriage licence, that piece of paper and the vows you say to the world and to God do mean more in a lot of cases. It can be a kind of glue that holds people together, or not. In any case, you made mistakes and are now seperated. Is it repairable? I would suggest you dump your heart out on her lap, tell her exactly how you feel, be as romantic as you can possibly be and show her how much she means to you. Communicate to her all the things that are bottled up inside of you. If need be, use a counselor to help you do that. If the love is there on her side, she will want to do this too and be open to it. So many men have problems with showing their feelings and expressing them to the women they love, but remember loving is also showing it with how you behave and by keeping promises. If you do all of that and it still doesn't work out, move on and learn from your mistakes. Good luck.
I do not know if it is repairable or not. She said she doesn't know what she wants. I saw her the other day and told her I was going out of town to see my cousins for the holiday weekend and when I got back I asked her to have dinner with me. She said she would consider it. I want to do everything I can to make things right again but I also want to respect her space and give her time. I don't want to smother her because I am afraid that will push her away.
hi there, im sitting here at home worrying right now and my boyfriend is out with his mates andi just cant seem to trust him. We had a pretty rocky start to our relationship..., we both have kissed one other person in our relationship quite some time ago now, and although friends and family frown upon it, we have carried on with our relationship. Because of what happened we are both quite jelous and insecure which i feel is understandable, but recently this has got worse, because now every weekend he's going out with his mates drinking and going to parties. He's much more of an outgoing person themself, so i feel most of the time he feels comfortable, whereas he doesnt know how much he's putting me through. Its just so hard, i dont want to give up on our relationship because i love him with all my heart, i just need some help
Thank you
HiOXOXOX,
I remember doing the same thing in my teens, sitting at home worrying about what my bf was up to when I wasn't around. This comes from deep insecurities. You need to accept that you have no control over what he does or says or thinks. So, you either trust him, or you don't. Trust is a decision. To love is a decision. If you decide to trust, then don't worry unless he proves to be untrustworthy. If that is the case, I personally would not stay because I know now that it would only lead to a lot of hurt and disappointment. Only befriend and surround yourself with people of high integrity, people you know you can depend on, people who do what they say they are going to do and who care for you and respect you. This is the group to which your bf should also belong. Of course, it goes without saying that you must behave accordingly. You should not expect what you don't give. Work on yourself, read self help books, take courses in topics that interest you and learn to love yourself. Only then will you be able to truly love someone else. I hope that helps a bit.
Hi Pat,
You must do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do. I think, however, that too much time without the final commitment is what may have perpetuated this seperation in the first place. I don't know if I would let even more time pass before making a move. Maybe what she is looking for is a wedding ring? If not that, then letting her hear how wonderful you think she is and how much she means to you can only be helpful. Women NEED to hear these things, affirmations of your needs and desire for her. Men are visual, women are oratory. Why not try to write an old fashioned love letter. Make it really gushy, maybe a poem to go along with it. If you play an instrument, maybe you can write a special song just for her. Most women would melt. Let me know if any of this works. Women love being wooed, even today. Trust me, it works.
hi rachel, thanks for your advice. I am very insecure in my self let alone in anything else, and i think i need to overcome that and hopefully everything else will come. its just nice to talk to someone who knows what im going through, its hard when you talk to someone who doesnt know how your feeling and just nods along to what you say.
Hi OXOXOX,
I have taken it upon myself to write in this blog to make a small positive difference in this world. I know the pain that is out there because I've experienced it myslef and someone was there to listen and to validate my feelings. I know how important this is, even if it comes from a complete stranger. At times it feels as though you are all alone and that you can't see the forest for the trees because you are so emotionally involved. An outsider then, who has no benefit in any outcome, can sometimes become your glasses so that you can see more clearly. You seem to be on the right track. Above all, learn to love yourself, know what stuff you are made of and what you will and will not accept in a mate. When you think about it, if you don't yet know who you are, how can you recognize what you want in a partner? The first step is knowing where improvements need to be made, which you have identified. Now you need to work on that and the rest will fall in to place. Good luck...
Thanks Rachel, it really does make a big difference. I did mention what i had said to you to my partner today, and with a bit of persistance he saw my side of the arguement. But the solution to the problem was not raised and it almost to me felt like it was just brushed away again..
OXOXOX,
Perhaps he doesn't know how to make a difference. You are the one who needs to set boundaries and stick to them. Don't give him tons of chances because then you are only looked at as a paper tiger. If he is not willing to respect your boundaries then perhaps he is not ready for a real commitment.
Hi,
I require some advice. My boyfriend & I have been together for nearly three years and lived together for nearly a year. We recently had soe difficulties with a friend of his falling in love with me, I am friends with him too but not overly close. It caused the break down of his relationship. I did not encourage this situation but I did not stop the friendship because I felt I would be abandoning this person. Rumors were spread through our cicle of friends and it caused a hassle between me and my partner. Nothing overly serious but just strain. Afew weeks later after I spent a month away in our home town, I find that he had been texting, facebooking with another girl and the msgs were quite explicit. I had never thought that this would ever be a problem for my partner and I because I HAD FULL TRUST in him a. because I would never thought he'd be like that b. he was chated on in his previous relationships c. we promised to each other that f there were ever an issue, we weren't happy or that our behaviour might lead to cheating we would say something or finish the relationship, so me emotions took a massive hit. He claimed they never met up and he would never have followed through on the things he wrote. I find out she is A LOT younger than the pair of us which made things worse. He said she would not leave him alone in the beginning and she text all the time after getting his number off a work mate. He used the excuse ' i thought you were doing it to me' referring to the problems with his friend. He said he would not have talked to her again once I was home, but had. I've not forgiven him but I'm quite devestated and angry and he has been perfect since but I cannot trust him, it takes every will and strength not to want to go through his phone or look through is facebook. I cannot stop making snide comments too and I have never ever been so hurt that I cry uncontrolably when I'm alone because it's all I think about. I WANT to forgive him because I honestly didn;t think it was in his nature and I really didn;t think my judgement of people was THAT bad. It concerns me too that I am so easy to cheat on, his was n unhappy relationships before but never cheated - I supposedly make him happy and am the best girlfriend he has ever had. I am so lost I do not know what to do. Can you help me? I don't know where to start. Should I just end it to stop prolonging my agony?
Hi Evan,
The way I read this, your bf wants to play "tit for tat". In his mind, you had something going on with a friend of yours and that now entitles your bf to cheat on you. It also sounds a lot like an excuse to me. This all tells me that your bf needs to mature a bit. He may not really be ready for long term commitment at this time. Some men never are. You said you thought that it was "not in his nature"...To cheat is a choice, to love is a choice, to trust is a choice. I think that this issue is going to stick with you for a very long time unless you do something about it. This means some heavy duty communication, maybe with the help of a counselor who can promote discussion in the right direction. Also, to regain your trust, your bf will need to reestablish trustworthyness. This means that he will have to agree to be totally transparent, meaning that he will need to allow you to go through his email, texts, mail..whatever, whenever you want. This means that he will have to do what he says he is going to do and not hide anything from you. In time, with all of those concessions, you may learn to trust again. It will take work and commitment on his part, but if he loves you and truly wants to be with you, he will have no problems with any of this because transparency is a part of any healthy relashionship. Hope that helps.
I am a heart broken male, that has been abusive on three occasions with the woman I love and mother of my child. Occasion 1) Shame vs Shame = Anger as a defense, then I tried to walk away and she antagonized (let my dog out while left to vent and he got clipped by a car) and I grabbed her by the shoulders. Occasion 2) heated arguement ended with her hitting me twice in the face and I "mushed" (pushed her by the head" and the force blacked her eye. Occasion 3) used our son as a means to attack me (son is 7 months old now). insinuate that I would hurt my son while I was holding him. I grabbed her neck and instantly let go... I am not this kind of guy. I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself for all of my actions. We have been seperated for the last 6 months of our son's life. I haven't been able to emotionally release the remorse I feel nor have I stopped loving her. All I have wanted was to reconcile, forgive, give penance and attempt with structured guidelines. All she can view me as is a monster anymore. during the times of the altercations I was dealing with severe depression steming from abandonment issues and a previous relationship the exhibited alot of the same conflicts (minus physical altercations). How do I regain that trust and my friend? she claims to want that for our child, but her hurt boils through and I can see the pain and anger in her eyes. How do I aquire that trust and forgiveness from her?
i met my now ex boyfriend in July of last year, when we first started dating he told me he didn't have time for a full-time girlfriend so i was free to do what i wanted. over the summer i met and hooked up with another guy, shortly after my birthday in early September he asked me if i was w anyone else, and i told him the truth. he got very upset and told me he really didn't think he would care. i cared about him and told him if it bothered him i would end it with the other guy immedietly. We both agreed we wanted to be exclusive from that point on. then in early November he saw a text in my phone from that guy, he had texted me while i was drunk and there was inappropriate comments made but nothing physical happened and i never even saw him. i owned up to the texts when confronted and we broke up for about a month. When we ended up getting back together he promised me he had not been with anyone else, and i believed him. a few weeks ago i started to have a gut feeling he wasn't telling the the truth about something. i started seeing his ex was texting him, and something just wasn't right. so last Saturday i looked through his phone and my heart broke with what i saw. When i confronted him he not only admitted to the girl i saw texts with in his phone, but that he was also w his ex while we were broken up an shortly after we got back together. he also admitted that while he is working he flirts with girls and texts with them after. He told me he did not feel guilty about any of this because i hurt him. i dont feel like we can ever trust each other again, that we will get stuck in a spiral of revenge on each other. He says we need to be apart but keeps still texting and calling me, telling me he loves me then will dissapear. it seems to me he trys to turn the whole situation on me, i know i hurt him but he seems to not realize how bad he hurt me as well. i feel very strung along right now, i love him but is this even worth salvaging at this point?
Hi Jillian,
It sounds like it's a tit for tat situation. He is trying to hurt you the way he was hurt and he has succeeded, but at what a price? I think what should have happened is to forgive the past, set boundaries and start over from stratch, a new beginning. You might still be able to do that, I don't know. Seems like you have some real soul searching to do.
Nakoma,
It sounds to me that your relationship has been mutually abusive and that you both have played a part in the demise of the relationship. You need to seek counseling, both of you. If your wife is committed, she will agree to it even if for your child's sake. You both need to learn how to communitcate without being physical.
Hi, I need some outside advice. I apologize for the length!
I've been living with my fiance for almost a year now, things in general have been amazing. She was a single mom, I never wanted kids until I met her then I really discovered I liked being a dad, etc.
In general things have been really great. I have a fantastic job, my fiance was able to quit hers because of the toll on her health to focus on going back to school.
Her past is ..rough. Rough childhood, bad choices until she had her son, a lot of guys have used her and hurt her. I'm not looking to save anyone or fix anyone, just in general I've never felt this way about anyone else, so I fell in love, and vice versa.
She had a massive seizure in June, then some medication literally made her go crazy until we figured out what was going on. But those were about the worst two weeks of my life. In August I started to get a weird vibe, and one morning I woke up to find her journal left out on the couch, and she is usually very protective of it. It was open, and I glanced at it and I've regretted it ever since. She doesn't get out much, and that's not for lack of me trying to get her to go out with her friends and such, but one time she did go out she hooked up with an ex benignly she says, just met at the same bar on accident, she got drunk and cheated on me, while I was home watching her son.
I was furious, so I read a few more pages, and checked out her phone. After the seizure I'll admit she wasn't herself, and the medication did change her behavior significantly, but the things she was saying about me hurt more than getting cheated on. About how she loved this other guy and she didn't care if she lived in a hotel room, she wasn't happy here even with everything she could ever want, and some other things that have really hurt.
We end up working things out, she apologizes and seems genuinely sorry so I give her a shot, like I said I really, really love her and her son. Things are great for a few months, other than her having these cycles about every sixty days of depression and manic outbursts. We work through things, and things are better than ever, setting a date for the wedding, taking a vacation, etc.
During our last vacation over Valentine's Day she was very withdrawn and starting to act weird again. She started going out with 'her friends' again, which I was happy with, I had no reason to distrust her. I've tried and tried to get her more involved with things after her seizure but she's just shut down unless I'm there with her. So I was happy she was going out. She has some problems with intimacy, she's very sexually aggressive which is fun sometimes but she has a hard time just wanting to be sweet. She had mentioned before that the idea of adding another couple as a strictly sexual thing would be fun for her before the wedding, and what do you say to that during sex? I just kind of joked about it and forgot about it.
I started feeling weird again a week or two ago, and checked her phone. She had been lying to me about seeing friends, and ended up seeing her ex again. She claims nothing happened but I really don't trust her. Her email was full of her replying to craigslist posts looking for a woman, although she claims she was looking for something for both of us since I joked about it..but I saw the emails.
She was very angry at me for checking her phone again, thinks she has no privacy...caged, etc. But she's the worst liar in the world, and I knew something was going on. We have been having unprotected sex for months trying to get pregnant, I can't have feelings like this.
Long story short I know it was wrong to go through her phone again but it's like I had this voice in my head telling me what was going on. I have given her everything, I make very, very good money. I love her son like he's my own, I help her in every way, financially, emotionally, etc. It just really hurts. The thing that hurts the most is losing that respect for her..because I used to think the sun rose and set with her. I've never felt so special, even after the first time. Looking at her still took my breath away.
Now I still love her so much, but it's different..something has changed, and it's broken my heart. The anger and betrayal I can deal with, but this sadness is killing me. She started crying hysterically when I confronted her about it in the nicest way I could, and we kind of patched things up. She talked about it to one of her good friends, then I got a pretty inappropriate text message from the friend. I showed my fiance, because I'm an honest man and I never wanted any of this and she starts crying hysterically again, saying she's going to lose me because I'm so great and all her friends would love to be with me. I've never wanted that..I just want her.
I guess I just need to hear that I should give it another go, try to work through this again. That I can trust her again.. my job is sending me away for a week or two at a time every couple of months soon, and I need to be able to trust her.
I instill a lot of emotion into sex, a friend of mine suggested I just go along with her and try bringing couples into it for fun, as long as things were kept strictly to my rules and all emotion was just left between me and her. But I don't know, maybe it would help to see her in that light, that it was just a sex thing and nothing emotional. Part of me worries it will spiral further out of control. That whatever love we have left will slowly fade away. I'm just confused.
I'm not a cuckold, I will not put up with this anymore. Maybe it would be fun to do something else, but I need to know in my heart that she still loves me and it's no different than just buying a new toy. I'm just really worried that sweet and breathtaking thing I found with her is gone forever.
It's the saddest thing in the world to lay next to someone and still find you miss them.
Hi J,
I feel your pain and your confusion. I was there once and although my circumstances were different, they were earily similar and deception is deception no matter who, no matter where or what. The pain is still the same.
I learned a few things from my ordeal, and I guess that is what we are supposed to do from our trials and tribulations in life, to learn. I learned that there are varying degrees of feeling. Some people feel deeply, while others don't. Therefore there are varying degrees of love. It is always the one who feels more deeply who gets hurt the most and in your situation I have the feeling that it is you who feels the deepest.
Here is the way I see things from a neutral perspective from what you have described. I will warn you that I will be blunt, but sometimes that is what people need. I know I did. Your gf is not happy. I have a sense that she is not a happy person in general and that she may have bisexual tendencies. She may even feel more for the same sex than for the oposite sex. This may be why she is trying to involve another couple, but I can tell you from experience that this kind of thing seldom works out. You can get badly burned when you play with fire. She may have very deep scars from past experiences, which lead to back lashes, which you will be and have already been the recipient of. I think your gf wanted you to read her journal. She wanted you to know what she was feeling, but could not bring herself to tell you.
I would not rush in to marriage with this woman. It seems to me that she has a lot of work to do to get well, not just physically, and you will not be able to fix her problems. She must admit to herself that she has problems and must want to fix them. I think that you have made life good for her financially and she doesn't want to lose that, on the other hand, she is not happy with the way things are. The other thing I've learned during my marriage was that it is ok to love someone, even if you are not there. You can love them, but not their actions.
"It's the saddest thing in the world to lay next to someone and still find you miss them"...What is even more sad is realizing that the person you miss never really was...
I have was dating my guy that os lond didtance for over a year. We love each other very much and to me he os the man I want to marry.
I broke the trust in the relationship. I know many will look at me badly for what I did but in no way was I trying trick him. I was off the pill due to issues with my clinic and coverage. When he asked if I was on the pill I told him no. He felt very betrayed and hurt. He felt I should have told him before hand then we could have worked stuff out before we had sex. He is right, I take full responsiblity for my actions. I feel horrrible and I was never trying to trick him. He is the man I want to marry. I have always been open and honest about what I have wanted with him.
This happend a month ago and he has been trying to deal with it the best he can. All I can say is sorry and I just want to make it right. I love him more than anything. When I last saw him, he told me he wanted to continue to talk and try to get thur this. For the first time he told he it hurt so much cause he does she marriaging me and kids. It made me so happy to hear him say that but broke my heart cause I caused him so much pain.
Well yesterday he called me and i could tell he was going thur his wave of emotions and this time he was angry. He told me he cant do it. He feels the trust is broken.
I was planning on moving there to be closer to him and Im set for next month. Is there any way I can repair this? Or have I truly lost him for good? I love this man very much and regret what I did. Please help
I have a question thats been on my mind for a while, you seem to be insightful when it comes to relationships.
Ive been with my boyfriend(childrens father) for 7 years, and weve had our ups and downs. Hes cheated on my more than once, from my best friend to random women. and my question is, whats the rule for checking phones. I recenly had a feeling of going threw it only to find out he was talking to a few women i knew nothing about , im having a hard time breaking it off, or even moving past our past. I dont know what do do...
Hi Meagan,
You say that you haven't been able to get over the past. How can you get over the past when the past is also your present? I can tell you with some surety that it will be your future if you don't muster up the courage to get out of the relationship.
You ask about rules regarding snooping at someone else's phone mail. I can tell you from experience that you snoop only when you feel suspicious and when trust has been broken. Invading someone's privacy is never good. You would probably only find out what you already know. What good would that do you? Is he aware of how you feel? If so, what is his reaction?
You really didn't say much in your email, but I get the feeling that your bf is someone who feels that cheating is ok. I also get the feeling that it is not ok with you.
The only thing you can do for your own good is to find a way to leave, find a way out of this relationship. Trust can only be healed when there is true and heartfelt remorse and a will to change. It doesn't sound to me that you have that with your bf. There are good men out there who don't cheat and life does go on. Believe in that...
hi Ron, i real need your help.i had boyfriend living tanzania almost ayear.
accidently his family moved to live abroad for good so he said goodbye and told me got new girl.i tried mybest texting him then he told me he is changing an email..but didnt stop emailing wishing him lucky till now..i keep woundering if he reads my email or ignore them ie hi n gud day..i love him.myheart has forgiven him cant forget him.keep praying for him to love me back..im even waiting to finsh mystudies next year and find him..am real beatful with great ahape n smart girl..plz help me.maybe talk to him through email.he is jarid amon,[email removed] coudnt get his phone number..i luv him and distant isnt aproblem if he understand.please help me plz
please help me,im praynig harder cause i need his love back..please Ron.
am plaing to finish mystudiec next year so i can go to live abroad and find him.i only have his email,iam trying to find his phone number,and where he is but cant get any than the email above please talk to him,please help me i beg you
Grace,
You sound obsessed with this man, which is not healthy. They say that if you really love someone, let them go. This is something you should do. He no longer wants contact with you and you should respect that. It may not be a bad idea for you to seek help with a good counselor, who might be able to help you get over this relationship and move on with your own life.
Hello,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 1/2 years now. About 5 years ago I began chatting with a man online & eventually told my boyfriend about it. We did not break up for some time but after that became on-again-off-again after that. Once when we were "off" I kissed one of his best friends. Another instance where I hurt him is when I kissed another friend of his - in front of my boyfriend. That was over a year ago & I have since recommitted myself to my boyfriend. He cannot seem to move past any of it even though he says he wants to & wants to be with me. We fight about it often but after the fight we go back to normal & I feel like we are making progress until the next awful fight. I am starting counseling for me soon to identify & fix my issues (low self esteem, feeling like I do not get enough love & attention from my boyfriend ect.)Is there anything else I can do to work on rebuilding his trust and fixing our problems since we both want this to work out. He says he does not know about marriage anymore because he fears I will repeat the past - as the saying goes "History repeats itself".
Thank you,
A
Hi A,
I agree with your bf, history does have a habit of repeating itself (if you let it). You do have the power to change that. I would suggest that you and your bf both go to counseling together. You need to work on why it is you keep wanting the attention of other men. Perhaps you were trying to make your bf jeallous so that he would pay you the attention you crave? There are other ways achieving that same effect. He needs to know and feel, down to the deepest depths of his heart, that you are with him and only him and that you would NEVER stray again. The only way you can accomplish this is by being totally transparent and reassuring. This takes a lot of time and patience, but it is achievable if you both want it badly enough and forgiveness is in the offing.
I broke up with my ex a little over a month ago after being together for 2 years, and we still live together. She had told me that she didn’t feel the same anymore, she wanted to be loved and she wasn’t happy with me anymore because she felt I was mean to her and unloving because of several past issues I had had with her. Now for the past few weeks she has been talking to this person day in and day out and has also been having sex with this person. I know because she confided in me today about this person and how they drive her crazy with all of their insecurities. However, she likes this person because they remind her of an old ex she loved. Now the issue I have is I am still in love with her. Last week we got into a Huge argument and didn’t really talk for days. She went and stayed with the other person for the weekend, but the last 3 days I have spent every waking moment with her bonding, laughing making music together, she is asking me to do everything with her, she still calls me the nicknames like she did when we dated and she has been playing that Kenny Chesney song called come over on repeat when I am around. We were in the car for a quick ride and she played the song 3 times in a row, i dont know if she was trying to tell me something or it was coincidence. Then when we went back to the house she said that she enjoys that we can get along as friends and that she enjoyed the last few days of bonding and that I was not being mean and it was as if i was a different person. (Which is what she wanted me to do all along I just didn’t until now) I’m so confused I don’t know how to read her signs. I’m not sure if she would get back together because I understood that we would not get back together originally. Now she left to go over this person’s house tonight and she gave me two kisses on the forehead??? Am I crazy to feel like this is a head game or does she still have feelings for me and is afraid to go back to what we had since she may not believe I have actually changed for the better or is she wanting her cake and eating it too? Ps this person she has been seeing lives 2 and half hours away.
Hi Devin,
You really haven't been specific about your problems with your ex, however, I get the feeling that this is a classic case of poor communication. I think you should both seek counseling to get on track with communicating with one another, but I think that your ex has moved on and isn't losing any sleep over your break-up. She seems to like to play games at your expense. Maybe some distance would be a good idea. Living together under these circumstances, i.e. your ex spending the nights with another man while still living with you can only lead to heart ache and jeallousy. You are probably in a place where you can't see the forest for the trees. Understandably,you are probably utterly confused. Create some distance from one another, then maybe you will be able to see your situation more clearly.
what caused the breakup was we were at a bar with the person she has been hanging around because we are all mutual friends even though she hasnt really known this other person( this person i will call chris) we were all really drunk so i vaguely remember this night but from what i am told. i tried to get her to the car because we were leaving and she refused and was fighting with me so i forced her in the car and fell on her while trying to do so, when that happened she pulled my hair and punched me in the face twice so i hit her back which was extrememly wrong and i regret to this day i have never hit her before. but anyhow. chris was there that night and has been taking her side and taking advantage of my faults and playing on her emotions. chris is also fresh out of a break up for the same exact reasons so they are able to bond over that. she text me today to see if i went to work because she was coming home early and im guessing to hang out. but she is doing everything that we used to do together. idk if i am a back up if it doesnt work with chris since they live 2and half hrs away. she told me originally it was just sex but thinks chris is playing games with her but she continues to go there. im just confused because she says one thing as in i would make someone happy or that she is going to find me someone, but then turn around two seconds later and be nosey about what i am doing and who i am talking to. but then will say she doesnt care. i just dont understand why she still call be the nicknames and flirts with me all the time. the worst part is we work and live together so there is really no separation. i love her with everything i have and it took me a long time to actually realize i wanted to be with her the rest of my life. but what i have been doing lately is just being her friend to build that foundation again in hopes one day we will get back together. and being her friend is what is making her open up and talk to me and cry on me and do all these things that she has been.......if you are wondering why she moved on so quick is because before i realized she was the one i wanted to be on a break to see other people because i just was unhappy at the time and you know thought the grass was greener on the otherside which is definitely not so we were on a break working on getting back when the night i hit her happened and that was the final straw. so what i am looking to do is obviously get her back but i dont know if there is something else i should be doing. our lease is up in 2 months and i would really like to continue to stay with her. im sure you all think im crazy but i love this girl more than i have ever loved anyone.
Hi,
ive broken my gf's trust and lied to her on more than one occasion. shes become so paranoid about me recently that i just lied to protect her so she wouldnt be hurt by what she was asking me. but shes found out that I lied and has get really upset and angry with me. She suffers from depression and I cant help but feel that shes over reacting and becoming over sensitive to every little thing atm. im trying my hardest and I love her to bits but shes making associations with everything that brings us back to the same arguments. whats more is the arguments are over my past sexual history which before her is ancient history like 5 years ago and shes still paranoid over it all! i want to make things work with her but have broken her trust whilst trying to protect her! what am i supposed to do?
Hi Lucy,
It is never good to lie. Your gf's paranoid behavior stems from insecurities and your lies, which have compounded them many times over.The only thing you can do is come clean. Tell her that you lied to protect her feelings before, but you will not do that again. If she asks about your past, either tell her the truth or make a pact for both of you not to bring up the past. The past is the past, there is nothing that can change it. The only thing that matters is now, this time you have together. It will take time to regain her trust, but if you stick to your guns and are transparent and have no secrets, eventually she will learn to trust you again. Keep reassuring her of your love and devotion and, for God's sake, don't lie.
Hi
My story is very challenging to say the least. I was married for 8 years and now divorced. While being separated from my ex-wife(SC makes you wait a year) I met this wonderful women and her 2 kids. She has been married twice before. I am 37 and had no ties to my ex-wife when we met and was only married once The relationship was awesome for the first year. I believe that we truly were meant for each other. I moved in shortly after my divorce was final (still never told her the whole truth). Our relationship was going great. So here lies the problem, about 3 months ago and her telling me she wanted to marry me and that I had to go and permission from her dad. So I spoke with her dad and was approved by him to marry her. Okay here's where the story gets weird, in the span of 10 weeks I noticed that our relationship has gone down hill. She tells me know she really loves me, but I have broken her trust. See I have only given her partial truths about me and some other things. Now we are very faithful to each other so no concerned there. I was given some time to come clean, but I chose to hold my ground. Now here is my current issue. I was asked to move out and work on me because I didn't value us. Apparently I was on a "ME" program and not a "WE" program. I moved out this past weekend, yet we still want to see each other and have agreed to date so to speak, yet she clearly said that I have broken her trust. Now here's where I need the help. I've already come clean about me, yet how do I build her trust back to rekindle the relationship to a point of marriage. I asked her if she still wanted me to marry her. She says we will see what the future brings and not under this conditions. We are both very strong people and after i shared my past she said why was that so hard these things were not a relationship breaker. But I failed to be up front with her 22 months ago and long the way. Now she questions everything. Is there hope or should I move on? I truly believe we are meant to be together.
Hi Matt,
You are not explaining yourself fully in your post, but the way I understand it, you didn't go into full detail about your past with your girlfriend in the beginning of your relationship, which made her reluctant and weary of you. Now you have explained all the details and your gf feels that the missing peaces were not a "deal breaker". I assume then, that it wasn't anything of great importance. I gleam from this that your girlfriend may have trust issues of her own and is super sensitive. However, the past is the past. You can never bring it back, or make right what was wrong. All you have is today and the choices you make today will determine your future. I personally don't feel that my partner needs to know every little detail of my past. Afterall, the past is what made me who I am today and the same goes for you. If she loves the person you are today, then the past needs to stay where it belongs. If you haven't done anything in this relationship to be deemed "untrustworthy", she needs to take another close, hard look in the mirror and ask herself if she is being fair with you. You may be suffering the wrong doings of previous boyfriends. As long as you stay open, honest and transparent with your gf, trust will eventually build, but I think she may need some counseling help as well.
I want to talk to someone
I'm a cheater but I want to fix the problem I want to recover her trust in me can somebody help me because I love her so much
Michael,
If you read some of the posts on this blog you will see that everyone usually gives their story. You are very brief. Essentially, the way to repair trust is by being transparent and "trustworthy". This means giving your gf access to all of your personal information, i.e. your cell phone, emails etc. You must tell her with the utmost sincerety what she means to you and what you plan to do for her to have her develop trust in you again. It may take a long time, but if she is willing to give you another chance and you are diligent in your efforts, it can work. Gogo through some of the other comments on this page. You will learn a lot just by reading.Good luck.
Hello
I have been with my partner for three years He is ten years younger than i am. In the begining he wss till messing with his kids mother they would call his phone all times of the night and tell me how he slept with them. we discussed the issued and he said he didnt think we were going to last. I took that all in and everything went back to normal. He drinks stays out doesnt call then comes in like nothing happens he has been doing this alot lately. Nothing is the same no more i feel like I am in a relationship by myself. He always says he is gonna change but that hasnt come.. just last week he looked in my phone and i had sent a picture of me very innocent to one of my exes.. He found it i did lie about who it was but he got so enraged that i finally told him.. That was all that i did but no he thinks that we have had sex.. He left just on an assumption. IDK what to do i do love him but he never even listened to my side.. i do believe it was wrong on my part, but i was really innocent.
Badly Broken,
It sounds as though you've been with your partner for 3 years too many. "He drinks, stays out all night, doesn't call"...these are all actions that show tremendous disrespect. He seems to have a jealous streak in him on top of that. If I were you, I would move on to someone who appreciates me and treats me in the way I diserve to be treated. Don't short yourself. It probably won't get much better with him, the contrary is more likely the case.
Hi. I've been with my partner for 7 years. From very early on I suspected he had slept with his ex behind my back, throughout the whole relationship he has denied it and insisted that I'm being paranoid and it's all in my head. Recently though he suddenly dropped the bombshell that he did infact sleep with her. The problem is not that he cheated but that he's lied for so long about it. Trust is very important to me and not only has he broke that but he has shown no remorse for it. That's what hurts the most, he expects me to just get over it and forget! As much as I want to I can't just forgive him every now and then I get doubts but when I question him he kicks off. I don't interrogate him I just ask if he's telling the truth. Anyway he can't understand what the problem is and I can't understand why if he loves me does he not try to fix the damage he created by reassuring moor even showing some remorse? I just want him to acknowledge the pain he caused the damage he done and be Sorry not just just by saying it it but showing it also.
Hi Vicky,
Your instinct are right. Women have a remarkably developed sixth sense. The sad part is that, if your partner feels no remorse for what he has done, he must not feel that he did anything wrong and is likely to repeat his actions. You want to be validated and respected, neither of which is happening at this point in your relationship. I have a feeling that there is a lot here that you are not telling and we all know that there are always two sides to the story, not that cheating is ok at any time in a monogamous relationship. If your partner is serious about repairing your trust and furthering your relationship, I would suggest counseling. The only way to make a broken relationship whole again is if both parties are committed to the goal and will do whatever it takes to make it happen. In his case, it would mean having to be totally transparent in his dealings, allowing you to read his emails, texts, listen in on phone conversations for as long as it takes you to start trusting again. Be strong, be happy, love yourself.
Hi, I have a serious problem here. My relationship has almost gone. Need ADVISE. I had a girlfriend, we did everything lovemaking and all. Once chatting with my male i told him that i have a girlfriend and we have had sex an all. Today she saw that mail and was pissed she left me. I know i did wrong but i dont wanna lose her. I want her back she is not receving my call and responding to msgs. She left saying she truted me completely and gave herself to me but i broke her trust she says she is completely shattered. What do i do?
Hi Alex,
You were very vague in your description about your chat with your friend, but judging by the reaction of your girlfriend, it must have been a prettey descriptive and intense detailing of your sex life together. This may have made her feel that not only were you talking about her behind her back, revealing intimate information that was inappropriate, but she may have also felt that she was just another notch on your bedpoast. First, you need to understand what has happened and why it happened. Were you, perhaps, boasting of your sexual conquest in a way that depersonalized and objectified your gf? Talking about one's gf or bf is not inherently bad, but it all depends on what you say and how you say it. In the future, it is very bad form to reveal intimacies with other people besides the one you are intimate with. When you do that, it is no longer intimate and rather common knowledge and it puts your partner in a bad light, although you might think that it boosts your ego. Also, don't ever put in writing what could be hurtful or harmful to anyone. I can understand your gf feelings, however, if you give it some time, woo her back with loving intentions, she may come around. Show her what she means to you in creative ways and let her know that you understand what you did and how it hurt her. She needs to know that you truly understand her feelings and that you will never go there again.
Well you got it correctly. I had a chat with my friend that we had sex and forwareded him those chat which i actually did with her( private conversation and all) she was very upset i tried calling her many time she just msged me saying that how could i break her trust she trusted me completely and was blind in my love . She also said that i broke all limitations and slept with me.
For this thing i am very guilty i know i shuld have done this . But i love her truly i will try my best to get her.