When two people are involved in a committed relationship, it doesn't take very long before all of the fun, dazzle, and romance begins to wear off. Once this happens, couples may discover that they have many differences and begin arguing and fighting. First, it should be stated that the feeling of "being in love" never lasts. This is a proven scientific fact. All of the hormones, forgetfulness, and constant thoughts of each other lasts roughly the first two years of being "in love". After that, reality sets in and people begin to see each other without the rose colored blinders – faults and all.
It may be tempting to take a break in your relationship if you have been seeing each other exclusively, and then begin arguing and quarreling frequently. However, before deciding that this is the best road to travel, you will need to take some things into consideration. The first area to consider is that once you and your partner take a break, either one of you may decide to end the relationship. This is a serious reality and one that you should really consider before agreeing to take a break. However, most people agree that when one party feels that it is time to take a break, they have already been contemplating ending the relationship. So, with that in mind, if you absolutely do not want to end your relationship, you may want to discuss other options with your partner.
Before agreeing to take time off of your relationship, you may want to suggest seeing a counselor. A counselor can help you work through the issues that you are facing and can provide greater results than you can achieve by taking a break.
You should also realize that if you and your partner have unresolved issues, taking a break from your relationship would not solve them. If you have been fighting frequently, and want to take a break, when you get back together your problems will still be there. This is another reason why seeing a counselor is more advantageous than taking a break. If your relationship is to grow stronger and thrive, it is better to take care of the issues that are causing strain and disagreement, rather than avoiding them.
Sometimes, the idea of taking a break from a relationship seems like the best solution, however it may just be a way of running away from the real issues at hand. It should also be considered that the fact that you want to take a break might be a warning sign that your relationship has reached its end.
Finally, there is truth to the statement that separation makes the heart grow fonder. If you have tried counseling, and continue to fight, and aren't sure if you should end your relationship or not, you may want to agree to take a break. If you find that your heart is longing for the other person and you both agree to reunite, your relationship may be stronger than it ever was before. However, you should both be prepared for the possibility that your break may be the first step to the end of your relationship.
I have been going out with my girlfriend for a little over 2.5 years and yesterday she told me that she needed a break, well both of us needed a break. She cites the reason for our breaking up down to the fact that I cannot seem to deal with issues in my personal life well and that when there is a problem, I tend to take it out on her. She says that I get into a mood and react badly towards her for things that other people do to me, in other words she was my punching bag!
I have been going through a lot over the last years and a half, and granted I have not really been able to deal with those issues like a man, instead I used to complain and so, but that is all over now and I have accepted things for what they are worth and have stepped up as a man. But she still believes that I will always deal with things in that manner, and says she cannot see a future with a man like that.
I have changed I really have, but she hasn't seen it yet. This woman is the love of my life and I know she loves me, but I make it hard for her to be with me. What do I to help myself and in turn to help get her back in my life because I am beyond hurting without her in my life, she is my everything? Any help please anyone?
I hope punching bag isnt literal...
If you know you have changed and the love is still there then fight for her. Has she said she doesnt want you?? Only that your making it hard for her... Then make it easier... Dont treat her like that and deal with YOUR own stuff YOUR own way. Partners always need to be there when you have problems but they aren't there to take it out on.
I always think its a good thing if it has broken becuase of something you can fix, Fix it, and then fight your hardest for her back... she will notice...
I hope i helped a little
Peter
No Peter, punching bag was not literal at all, lol!
At this point I do not know what to do, and the thing thats killing me at the momment is that, what if in trying to sort myself out, she finds someone else? I have never felt like this about anyone and can safely say never again!
To answer you question, she never said that she does not want me anymore, only that it is hard to be with someone who doesn't deal with their problems without taking them out on her. I now finally understand what she means, but I don't know what to do to better myself? Thanks for your help anyway Peter! God bless you!
Sounds like you should trust her to wait for you, If you tell her that you are working on it then there isnt any reason for her to run off to someone else, shes saying its hard... but not impossible.. Keep your chin up mate, Things can ALWAYS be fixed and if nothing huge has happened then you can work on it. Plus with two and a half years behind you you two should be quite strong.
I wouldnt worry at all mate, it'l only confuse you and make it harder to clear your mind. I know it sounds cheesy but things do sort out if they are supposed to...
So you want to better yourself, What are the things you are taking out on her?? Work?? Family stuff??
Peter
Family issues, and frustration at not being able to progress my life are issues that are troubling me. I understand her point of view but dont know what to do to better myself right now. I am desperate to solve these things but I understand that I cannot do them with another person with needs in my life at the moment. I just feel helpless without her! what do you suggest I do?
I'm currently on a break with my man. We had a convosation about it about a week ago now and he has nominated the break and wanted it to be for 4 weeks in total and then he indicated that we'd get together and discuss everything. The reason why he wanted the break initally was because i had been sooo reliant on him and whether i was sad or happy, everything i did was for him.. i went through depression recently and the issues that i had put onto him has indeed been overwhelming. So he asked for a break so that i can stand on my feet and progress and find more "networks" to help me with the situation, he told me that he's not forgetting me and that it's not a way of moving on, and that he loved me at the end of the convosation and that i'd see it's a very loving thing that he's doing for me and i'll grown to know how much i've changed.
can someone please let me know what their opinions on this is please? He's a great guy and i'm soo afraid to loose him.
i think about it everyday and wake up to the thought.
Hey Serena,
I know where you are coming from, I went through the depression thing too and was up and down to the docs all the time, Sounds to me like he really does love you and he is doing it to help you and you two as a couple. Trust in him and try to see that by doing this you can be stronger on your own and you aren't so dependant on him to make you happy. 4 weeks is a long time but hes not going to forget about you if hes telling you the reasons for the break.
This can be a really good thing for you two.
Try not to think about it as a moving on or him trying to get away, Just use the time to find yourself. I hope this helped. Let me know what happens
Peter
x
My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 3 months now...Thursday he suggested that we take a break since school is starting for me and it will be my last year, which is important and he will be going to tech school to finish what he started. He told me that we have to see how we can handle not talking for a good amount of days because we might end up splitting because of lack of time together. I cried on the phone when he told me and my heart was just tearing apart. He said he wants to see if our feelings are still the same by the first day of school and to see if I really did love him. He text me everday to see how i'm doing and on the first day of the break he admitted to wanting to call the break off but decided to try since i was willing to try. Right now I feel fine, but inside I am really scared that this indicates an end to our relationship. He said that he doesn't want to break up with me because he loves me and he doesn't want to go overseas because he doesn't want to leave his baby(me) behind...I love him and he loves me, but if I can last two days without calling him, I should be able to handle school and him. I am tempting to tell him that I want to end the break because i'm really scared right now and it's giving me a really bad feeling. I don't want to do this break anymore, I feel guilty that I am doing just fine and he's doing just okay. I shouldn't worry because his word is true, but still he might think if im doing okay, I may not want to be in this relationship anymore and it will kill me literally if we end...
Hi Everyone..I certainly need some help.
My fiance (22) and I (26) have been dating for over 5 years now. Our relationship started as a long distance relationship and then progressed to living together very quickly. Even though we have had our ups and downs along the way, the love we share for one another is genuine and very strong.
Recently, she told me that she felt trapped and needed some freedom. She said she felt too settled and too comfortable for this point in her life. She has never lived on her own and she felt that was important to do. At this point, we started to see a counselor to help us with our issues (3 weeks ago.) My fiance insisted on getting her own apartment so that she could feel like she had something "of her own" and her own space.
We moved her out last weekend, which was the hardest thing I have ever done. This past week was horrible and felt so awkward because neither of us knew how to act, how much to talk, etc. We met with our counselor last night again and we each expressed our feelings. I said that I wanted to know if she was committed to our relationship and if so, we could make this new arrangement work. She said she was confused and loved me, but felt like she needed her own space and time. She said she could not imagine being without me but yet, needs to just be "her" for a while. So the counselor suggested we take a couple weeks off from talking and clear our heads. Today is the first day and WOW...it's horrible. I feel like I have lost everything that is important to me. My gf, bestfriend, everything. I don't know how this can help but I am hoping it will.
If anyone has been here, I would appreciate hearing from you.
been in a relationship for 4 years. took a year off....but still saw each other everyday day at work. have a wedding planned in 7 months. have had it booked for 6 months. but he can't seem to propose. he is terrified. has had a bad experience with marriage, as well as bad role models. says he loves me and life is better with me than without me. was ready to walk out the door. told him he could have a few weeks to propose because he wants to, not out of fear of me leaving. now he is saying that he is scared because we were arguing a lot 5 months ago. this has tapered off. but there were some very stressful health issues going on with both his family and mine. as well as changed living situations. i was unable to trust him, cause scared he couldnt commit, and feel i have ruined things by being so insecure. i now know i need to trust in him and not pressure. but it might be too late. help. really struggling. one week left.
Hi everyone,
I had been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. The first two were great, then we started to have some problems. There's a difference in religion which worried me, but I'm okay with it now. That caused a lot of stress in our relationship. I also had several family members pass this summer. He had never really had to deal with death before, so he didn't know how to comfort me. But, eventually, that seemed to make us stronger too. Two weeks ago, I went to visit him (we're long distance) and everything was great. We seemed the best ever. He told me he was the happiest he had been in his adult life and that he wanted to marry me. A week ago, he called me at 4am. He was very drunk. He told me that he had been attacked by a guy at the bar he was at. When he defended himself, cops came from everywhere and tackled, maced, and handcuffed him. He was with three of his female coworkers who were all crying and scared for him but the cops let him go when the realized the fight wasn't his fault. After the cops let him go, one of his coworkers kissed him and he kissed her back. He doesn't have feelings for this woman. He called me and told me what happened right afterwards, while she was still standing there. I was devastated hearing this. I never thought he would do anything like that. But when I thought about it, I realized that it was in large part due to the circumstances. He was traumatized. He felt so guilty for what he had done. I was ready to move on when he told me that he thought we should break up. That he couldn't have done something so horrible if he really loved me. I told him that was ridiculous logic and reminded him of the week we had just spent together. He said that he hadn't really wanted to break up with me, but that he wanted to take a break to figure out who he was and how not to be so dependent on me. He wants a month. A month feels impossible to me. We would normally talk several times a day. And I'm afraid that he is so traumatized by what happened to him that he won't be thinking clearly. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me before all of this happened. I don't want to lose that. How do I make it through this month?
Just to clarify. He said he'd initially wanted to ask for a break to figure out who he was, but he didn't ask for it at first because he thought that I would just break up with him if he did. In the end, I agreed to the break.
I see why you are confused, He says he wants to marry you then asks for a break so he can find himself...
Firstly you are right to throw off the kiss, It doesnt sound like anything to worry about, and he rung you while she was there... seeems the right thing for him to have done and not many guys would have, So that should be forgotten about in my opinion.
The break up is more of the issue right? Long distance is hard, Ive been engaged to twice and they were both long distance, but it seems like you make it work by talking a couple of times a day, which is important. I think this is the reason why you find the idea of a whole month pretty much a nightmare... He wouldnt have asked for the break if he didnt think it would help.... He may need to "find himself" ... which ive heard twice and personally dont understand as im quite a secure person... but if he does you have to give him that space to do it, If all goes well he will miss you and realise what he has and not want to lose it too... As for making the month better...
When it happened to me I broke down, I was up the docs a couple of times a week for depression and my head was a mess.. I was physically ill. After a month he will be thinking clearly and he can make a desision but it doesnt mean you should wait around for the answer, You should do the same as him, make yourself less dependant on him... Enjoy yourself, Do what im doing now... find happiness without the person... only then can you be truely happy with someone.
Im no expert but ive just been through this.. I hope I helped a little.
Peter x
I adore my partner and have always been made to feel adored in return. Lately our lives have undergone some changes. We moved to a regional area away from the big city and his four year old daughter came to live with us.
He has been absent from her life for some time (not by choice, I must add) and was looking forward to being her full time guardian. We moved to that area to be close to his mother so he had support and child care when needed but it has opened up a whole new can of worms with all of their unresolved issues coming to the forefront. The relationship between he and his mother has become strained, his daughter is out of control and needs settling and to make matters worse her mother (his ex) is causing him a great deal of pain.
He was with his ex for ten years and in that time she made him feel completely unworthy of love and happiness. I realised early on in our relationship and had almost gotten him to a point where he was starting to realise his own worth and value as a partner, a father and as a human being.
Now, being so close to his mother and having the mother of his daughter on his case has opened up old wounds. It culminated in him picking me up from work in tears and saying he didn't deserve me or his daughter and that he may as well die. He told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him but that he couldn't cope with everything all at once and that something had to give. He assured me of his love, saying it was a question of having too many different people that he had to give himself to. He needed time apart, so he could focus on healing himself and re-forging bonds with his daughter. He didn't want to break up, he just wanted space ie; long distance for the next ten or twelve weeks. He says he wants to marry me and that we'll all be a family again by Christmas but for now, he has to focus on himself and his daughter.
I completely understand this. And I have always known that his daughter comes first. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am angry that after moving eight hours away from my friends and family, giving up my job and my activities that this had to happen. I now have no job and nowhere to go.
I do not doubt his love for a second. And I understand the demands and pressures on him at the moment. I am willing to give him the 'space' he desires, but I am scared that his feelings for me will fade. He said he is worried the same thing will happen to me.
I would love some advice on how we can maintain our bond over the next few months without him feeling like I am crowding him and adding something extra to his burden on top of what he already has to worry about.
-Jelly-
Thanks, Peter. That was helpful. I'll post again when the month is up to let you know what happened.
i've been with my boyfriend for 2 and half years now, but this year at the end of march he cheated on me.
but its not just a simple matter of cheating, he had untreated depression at the time, so bad that he'd tried to kill himself a week before he cheated. he also had untreated ADD. and the cheating wasn't planned, this girl just asked him when they were together and he said yes. and he lost his virginity to her. he started to have sex with her but stopped it.
i didnt want to break up because i really loved him, but i was and am still really hurt and neither of us understand how he could do that.
the thing i'm asking about is that lately i'm not sure if i'm in love with him anymore. i want to be, but i just don't feel that amazing feeling i used to have when i was in love.
and i've been thinking about taking a break, so maybe i would miss him and appreciate him and our relationship.
idk, i feel like i have a lot of walls up with him now and i'm just never satisfied with him.
but i want to be, i want us to be happy again.
what do you think?
I can only imagine what that did to you, One side of me says that once a cheat, Always one... I didnt take back my fiance after she cheated because I knew it could happen again and I wouldnt put myself through that. A break, Im my opinion, is used if there is a problem in the relationship which can be fixed with a bit of breathing space.
Do you think having a break will help you decide if you do love him and still want to make it work?
I do know what you feel about losing that love, You want to feel it but you just dont.. Its not a bad thing because you've been hurt by him, Badly. However I think you do need to decide if its worth it. In my opinion, Never take back a cheat... I didnt and its the best decision ive ever made and I dont think the trust can Ever be made back. If you think you can forgive and forget(ish) and you think you will find out once and for all after a break, then give it a go... If you dont think that love will come back or the cheating was too much damage then a break is only delaying the inevitable.
Ill always be honest,
Peter
[email removed]
thank you
the thing is, the situation and reasoning for cheating was so complicated, its hard to know what to do with it. it happened mostly because of his depression, he said he thinks it was like he was looking for a reason to kill himself, and doing that would be a reason. so its more his own personal issue that could have been anything and should have been separate from our relationship, but because of what it was it became our issue and my issue.
he's really not the type of person to cheat, and i know that sounds stupid saying that after he has, but he's not.
i believe he would never cheat on me again, but i'm still scared to let him back in again you know? i really let myself put my heart into our relationship and believe in it before and i don't know how to do that again.
and what does it mean to forgive him for what he did? i don't even know if i have forgiven him or not.
and i was thinking of the break too because lately i've been really critical of him, just picking at and being bothered by anything wrong. its like i'm not letting myself be happy with him. so i was thinking with a break i could stop doing that and appreciate him again, because i know i'm making it hard on both of us by doing that.
Or... You are now realising that, because the love has gone, there are things which are not right about him and/or you. Love blinds you, Now that its gone maybe you are picking up on things that you dont like now that you can see clearly.
Its not really a case of "Hes not the kind of guy to cheat", Because he has. Suicide and mental health is a tricky situation and im no expert in it... Sounds to me like you are now realising that there are problems or things missing?
Well, this is a crowd I'd never thought I'd be joining and really, I'm not sure I have nothing new to contribute, a lot of these stories sound like mine. But I've always found it helpful to speak whats on my mind with friends and with people who understand so here goes.
I'm 29, a college grad, had lived on my own in a condo for 5 years when I met Sara in April of 2008. She's was 23 (now 24) at the time...beautiful, sexy and full of energy...and she immediately channeled all of that energy towards me. I got swept up in the attention and we quickly advanced our relationship. After a couple weeks we were spending every minute together we could. After a couple months I was pretty much living at her apartment. After 3 months, we were engaged.
Phew. Way too fast, obviously, in retrospect. But it just seemed magical and right. I had never before felt love like this for a girl. She is very attractive and flirty and has lots of guy friends but because she doted so much on me, it was never really an issue. We talked about our wedding, our future...everything seemed to be falling into place. When people mentioned that maybe we were spending too much time together (including myself), she brushed it off and said who is anybody else to say how much time we spend with each other is right or wrong.
I treated her like my princess and spoiled her at every turn. She's an easily stressed out girl and with a full-time job and college, I basically took it towards myself to make it as easy as possible for her to live life without worrying about "things". Even after getting engaged, I wrote her love letters and got her flowers and gifts every so often out of the blue so she knew I wasn't going to let my love die. I cooked all the meals (I do like to cook), did probably more than my fair share of the chores, helped her with college homework and tests, always tried to surprise her with my attentiveness and willingness to listen and in general, cut myself off from other aspects of my life to make her priority #1. And she reciprocated by continuing to spend every moment she could with me.
I can now see this in retrospect as the beginning of a very co-dependent relationship. Things started to turn south when she moved in with me. I figured we'd basically been living at her place full-time, so what was the big deal. I owned my place too so it made fiscal sense with a wedding coming up to have her move in here. I certainly didn't force her. But space began to be an issue. She also felt depressed that this wasn't her place. She's at heart a very independent girl and even though we remodeled together, this wasn't her home.
Then she began wanting to go out more without me, to hang out with her guy friends. I'll admit, my co-dependency caused this to be a problem bigger than it should have been. But after always saying she wished she could spend even more time with me...to go from that to "I need to go hang out with my guy friends, and I need to do it alone", freaked me out. I felt like the 6-months of in-love bliss was wearing off already and now she was purposely going out without me. My mind wandered and I confronted her. We had a fight and she ended the engagement.
However, we didn't end the relationship and still wanted things to work. So over the course of this year...things had been going fairly good. I worked hard on my co-dependency, going to therapy and let her breath a lot more. She worked on some anger issues she's had in therapy. She has a habit of asking me to help her with things, like schoolwork, running errands and such and when I couldn't always fulfill them, she would get pissed and I think somehow view me as less of a man because I couldn't help. (I will also say as an aside, she grew up without a father, was sexually-abused by her step-grandfather when she was 13 and had moved out and was living on her own by age 17. She claims none of this has anything to do with how she is now but I just find that hard to believe). We took a vacation to Florida and we've been best friends...but it's gotten to the point where we've only been occasional lovers. The spark is gone on her side and even after therapy she wouldn't even let me take her on dates or try to do anything romantic to spark things back up. It's like she had given up.
And since I am such a "giver" personality, even through that, I've continued to be there for her, though moderating it a bit with time for myself. I really think she's having a hard time with guilt while living with me, in that she sees me give 100% of my love to her and she's not in a state where she can reciprocate. She's asked to sleep in different rooms, tries to avoid being around me, doesn't call or text me like she always used to (even as little as two weeks ago). She basically doesn't try to initiate social conversation with me either. I told her I was deeply hurt, that besides being her partner she's always claimed I was her best friend and cared for me so much, and this seemed like something you wouldn't do to that person.
So...she then said she was moving out next month. Again, I was hurt even more. But I've come around to it and even suggested we take a break even though it's the hardest thing I could do. Part of me thinks I should just make a clean break and move on from a hopeless situation so I don't have to have it on my mind anymore. But the other part of me cannot give up on her because I really believed she was the one. She acts carefree about what kind of relationship we have now and independent and doesn't want help moving out but I can also sense the apprehension for her because she told me I was the perfect man and that she feels like she's risking a lot by maybe losing me, but she has to so she can find herself again.
I'm not over it at all and the break, however long it lasts is going to be very hard. But I have great friends and have come around to the thinking that if it was meant to be, then things will workout somehow even if it isn't clear now. And if she decides her heart just isn't in it after taking some time to re-examine her own self, then it clearly was not meant to be.
I know you havn't asked for any answers but I thought id add to what you have written. You seem to have a strong head, Alot stronger than mine ever was. You have the strength to hold up your hands and say "You know what, Ive done my part and Ive treated her like a princess, But maybe its not meant to be", I wish I was more like that.
I think you are doing the right thing by taking a step back from it and you should spend more time with friends (Which sound like the kind of friends you need at the mo).
Im very much like you and I treated my other half like a princess too, Infact "Little Princess" was my nickname for her. Whatever way it goes I wish you the best of luck, Hopefully someday I can be as strong as you.
[email removed]
Peter
Thanks for the kind words Peter, I've appreciated your commentary throughout this thread. It's easy to sound strong but a lot harder to be strong, I don't need to tell you that!
I look at it like this...I was a happy, independent guy before she came into my life and turned it upside down. Yes, when we were head-over-heels in love, I was even happier. But now that she is leaving me (for a while or for good I do not know), I can get back to being my old happy self. Watching sports at the bar with my buddies. Doing projects to fix up the house. I've got my one truly loyal girl, my husky Yuki to keep me company when I'm alone. I can blast some loud, obnoxious, upbeat music. I'm gonna do some volunteer work.
I think girls are raised in this society to expect a man to be certain things. I think Sara is a girl who has self-esteem issues. She constantly is dressing up and trying to be the center of attention and yet she knows she has flaws. That I still love her unconditionally I think on some level baffles her, she doesn't understand why and I think respects me less because on some level she wouldn't stay with her if she were in my shoes. Her ego gets no thrill or passion anymore out of me because I'm not something she has to chase or work for. My devotion and chivalry is what set me apart and won her over but at the same time, it's what has caused her to retract and become bored.
The question is whether that is how she is wired or whether she is just immature emotionally on some level at this point. She obviously wasn't ready for a settled life. How long does one wait though? I firmly believe that although she will enjoy living alone again, that she is going to miss me in her life a lot more than she thinks once she's had a couple months to stay out late and be "free" again. And then maybe, just maybe we will be able to have the type of relationship with each other that we want...smarter and better equipped to deal with the long-term effects than before.
One more note...I believe this is true in my case and probably in a lot of cases I have read here. A little tidbit that may help some dealing with these issues...
My fiance/girlfriend is choosing to leave me. But I'm the one more ready emotionally to be alone and deal with the situation.
Think about that. She's not running because I'm the problem. She's running because she's got problems. Problems which I have tried and offered to help without throughout our relationship but ones which she has decided she must confront on her own.
So don't get down on yourselves. I think it's a huge ego-destroyer for a man to think that the love of your life is leaving, that somehow he did not provide or live up to expectations. But know that ultimately you are not to blame, that you fought the good fight and chose to love and forgive and work your ass off for what you believed in. And there's no better measure of a man than that.
I see what you mean and you are right, In the same cases as you, men shouldn't feel bad about the way they have been because lots of them have worked their arses off. Like I did. But I beat myself up about it and even now after... well 4-5?? months since I posted on here about my relationship problems, Im still in no place to even date let alone think about a future with anyone else but her. I envy you slightly because im the same as you in lots of aspects but I lack the strength to turn round and say... "You know what **** it... I dont deserve this"
Sounds to me like you are happy and secure without her and if she has caused enough pain and stress to force you to tell strangers just to let off some steam... then maybe she isnt worth the hassle. Either way, Thank you.
Peter
Also to add,
Its interesting what you said about maturity. Giving her everything and treating her as best as you could, in some way has confused her because she wouldnt do it for her. Confusion may have led her to act differently... To push you away?
Im trying to compare it to things ive been through and girls are brought up thinking that this MAN has to the the "Man in shining armour" ...And we can do it.... But dont then get shocked and worried when we offer you everything....
Hi, my girlfriend and i have been seeing each other for 5 months so far. everything was great, we were together every day, and when we weren't we both missed each other and needed each other more and more. now last friday (9/18/09) she decided to take a break from me. i was shocked cause it came out of no where. we litterally loved being together and doing everything together she never showed any signs of wanting this, i mean even the previous night we were together till 1am and when i said i had to leave she would just grab my arm harder and say no you cannot go, then after about 15 min of hugging and kissing goodbye, she texts me and says i miss you. now the next morning this? i was so confused and heart broken. it only lasted till saturday night. we met up again and everything seemed back to normal. she was very upset and kept telling me how sorry she was. so sunday we spent the whole day together. i asked if she wanted to talk about it and why she said she was confused and needed the break. she didnt want to talk yet she was still upset. so we spent the entire day. monday comes around. i was working 8-4, went to her house at 4 and we sat around. the day was slow, we both wernt doing anything, just enjoying eachothers company. so later that night she wants to talk, she said she felt smothered and needed some time away,she also said that when we were together i would always give her butterflies and now they are gone and she didnt want to loose the feeling. so she said that she thought a week away would make her miss me more and when we met again it would be better than ever. so i was understanding. so then her friend invites us to go out to dinner later that night, she asks if i wanted to go, i said yes, and we went on with the night. right about 30 min before we were going to leave to go out to dinner, she says she wants to go alone and hope i didnt mind. so i figue she still wanted time to herself so i said yea i dont mind. i took her to the bank then dropped her back off at her house so she can leave, she kissed me goodbye, and told me she loves me, with a big smile on her face. as i was leaving i told her if she wanted when she left she can give me a call and we can talk till we fell asleep. she said sounds like a plan. 11pm she texts me saying shes home, i asked her since it was still kinda early if she wanted me to come over for another 2 hours or talk on the phone, she said shes full and tired and wants to just go to bed. so it ended there. the next morning i wake up feeling kinda depressed and was really needing my girlfriend for comforting, so i sent her a good morning text, she replied back when she woke up, i told her how i was feeling and that i really needed a hug from her and i wanted to leave work an hour early to go see her. she told me she was off at 1 and that it wouldnt kill me if i stayed till 4 like im supposed to. so i said okay but i really need this hug. so she replys back, you know this isnt helping what we talked about last night. so im at work reading this getting even more upset. i step outside to call her, she told me she wants just the day to herself and she really needs it, so i agreed to give it to her. i wasnt happy but i agreed. after we hung up i went back inside and waited till my first break, then i called my mom to vent, my mom was just making things worse, she was trying to put the idea that shes cheating on me in my mind which i know for a fact she isnt, and we just talked for a while, after that it got me thinking and i wanted to have a talk with my gf about our relationship so i texted her saying that i know she wanted the day but can we please talk about our relationship? so she replies back saying. you arnt getting what im saying to you, i dont know if we can be together i need this day to think. that just did it for me, i left work early and ran home. my mom was off so i spent the day with her. she tried to comfort me. later that day my gf's best friend talks to me on facebook saying that she is frustrated that i tried to talk to her and that she really needs her time to think. so i know that she said she wanted a week so i told her friend that if thats what she wants then she can have that week. now i know the thought of breaking up has been going through her mind. i just cant see why, we never fought got into an argument once that lasted 20 min and forgave each other for, i spoil her. is just i cant see why. so today makes it 4 days of our break. still have not talked, but her sister and friend have talked to me. her friend was telling me that she really needs this time to think and if i love her i would give it to her. which i do love her and i want her to be happy. her sister was saying to me that she isnt out all the time shes been sleeping in and prefers to stay in, shes not seeing anyone else. and that shes been in the same situation and its best to leave her alone and give her the space she wants, so thats what ive been doing, i have not called her, have not texted her, the only thing i know is that her cell phone is set up automatically to text her if i update my status on facebook. so i slowed down on that so her phone doesnt explode from texts. its just been so hard for me, im depressed so much, i cant eat, i havnt slept, i cant work, i try not to cry cause it just makes it worse. i just dont know what to do with my self, i cant break up with her, i love this girl so much, she even told me that she has never been in a relationship that has just gone so perfect. our 5 month anniversary is on october 2nd. now if she ends this break before then and we get back together than i know ill be happy and i hope she is too, but if the worst happens and we break up. i had already ordered floweres 2 weeks ago to get delivered to her house on our anniversary. now i just hope that we dont break up and that what they say is true about being apart will make a relationship stronger. everything around me reminds me of her. its just so hard to go each day knowing that you cant see or talk to her when you really need her the most.
I have been so confused lately, my bf and i have been together for 5 years. We moved in together after about a yr of dating. About 3 yrs ago i had serious issues with him after i found many texts and emails he sent to other girls. I confronted him and he said he never actually did anything with them and there was nothing else but what i found... it took him a while to even admit that much. we kinda of seperated for a few weeks because i had no idea if i could be with him after he did that. we did get back together and 2 1/2 yrs later i still have trust issues with him however a lot of it has to do with how we never have sex, ever. i think we have maybe twice in the past 2 yrs. we have even gone on a couple cruises and we never had sex then either. nothing. i try to talk with him about how it hurts me and makes me feel like he doesn't want me or have any interest in me and every time i talk to him it's like he purposely doesn't just because i brought it up. I've been unhappy and its showing, we have been fighting over a lot of little things and we finally had a big blow out/talk about it. Bottom line of the fight is that he think i don't appreciate him and use him for his money (everything always comes down to money with him but i really don't understand why he thinks that and it seem that's all he cares about) and i feel like he has no interest in me b/c we don't have sex or any intimacy and i still don't trust him. I think that since we had our big fight he's been talking to someone through text but hides it from me- when i confronted him he denied it and said i need to get over it. and then, I was at a party without him about 2 weeks ago and there was a guy there that was into me and i ended up kissing him. i would never normally do this b/c of my own values surrounding cheating but feel like i did it b/c this guy was so nice and paid attention to me and made me feel wanted- i guess i liked the attention. I told my bf who was clearly not happy and admits we both have a lot to work on and now i'm thinking we both don't trust each other. Basically he said we are either going to make this work or we should just cut our losses. he says he wants to try and work it out but i'm not so sure we can. we both have said some mean things to eachother and he even went so far as to say that he should've taken a job offer a few yrs back and moved away then rather than being in this town- but i know he was just angry about what i did but part of me has always felt like he feels that way. i love him so much and i know he loves me i am just... confused. I'm thinking the best thing to do is to take a step back away from each other and really see if we want to be together and basically take a break, which also means he needs to move out. I need some direction.
It all sounds very strange, him texting someone else and hiding it from you, you two not having any intimate time and the fact that it was getting to you so much you kissed someone else... If you are arguing so much maybe it is for the best to walk away from it. If you arent happy and its pushing you to cheat then, In my opinion, walk away... I definatly think you shouldnt be living together while fighting like you are.
So, my boyfriend and I of 3 years recently split up. We split up because we were planning to get married. Had things planned. Which we both decided on. Then he freaked out. There had not been an official proposal, and when I asked him about it. He said that he just wasn't ready and he couldn't force it. I left. The wedding is in 6 months and he is not ready or excited about it.
He loves me, but said he didn't "catch the spark" of being so excited to marry me. He is under a lot of stress caring for an ill family member. And financially supporting his whole family. I am not trying to make excuses....but he is financially strapped right now, and that seems to come up whenever we talk about the wedding. I have not talked to him for an entire week. I figured I should just move on. But it is very difficult when he talks of how much he loves me, feels comfortable with me, feels connected to me and knows he will never find that in another relationship. We both feel we are soulmates. And he keeps saying, if it's meant to be, it will be.
I told him I had no idea how bad things were for him financially. He said I should have known. I asked how would I know when he wasn't talking to me about it. He said I just should have known. I feel like I'm being blamed for a lot that I had no control over. It is very frustrating. We have not spoken in 7 days. I received a few text msgs from him, but I did not respond. We are not young, in our mid to late 30's. Just don't know what is going on with him. He thinks I didn't understand his ill family members situation. I told him I totally understood things. I just didn't walk around stressing about it, because it is what it is and we have to deal with the current situation. Not be sad because things are not different. Things may never get better with his mother, so we have to enjoy what we have. I am an optimist and he is the opposite.
He thinks that being married will be hard because he spends so much time taking care of her. I told him that I didn't mind helping. He said I should have been helping all along then....which I had been doing. I went to be with her when he was not available because of work. I was there 3-5 nights a week to have dinner with them, and I usually did the cooking. The only thing I did not do was bathe her or get up in the night with her, because I did not spend the night there. It is her condo, and I was respecting her by not staying the night since we are not married. So I tried to explain that it would be different when we are married, because I would not feel like I was intruding. I would gladly take a more active role. That I would adjust my work hours for her so that he didn't have to. That I would help much more.
It is super frustrating. I feel like he was so pressured. I don't understand turning on the feelings he said he has for me just because he doesn't think he will be a good husband. He said he would fail me as a husband. You have to be aware of that and work to be better. Communicate and be there for one another. We have some communication problems, in that we don't always understand where the other is coming from. I suggested therapy. But he says, "things should have worked themselves out. We should not need therapy to be together".
Then, the last time we were talking, he kept saying, this is how I feel right now. I asked what he meant by that? No answer. The call ended badly and I told him good-bye he would not hear from me again. That was the last time we spoke a week ago. Then I got a text that said "I said right now because if I decide I am meant to be with you, I will come back for you. That is not a string-along, that is just what I expect I would do in that situation. At that point it would be up to you to decide if that is what you want or if you have found what you want with someone else."
I just don't know what to do now. There is nothing more I can do to reassure him of how things will be. So I feel I have no choice but to move on. Is that the right thing? And if he did come back, how would I know he wouldn't freak out and run again?
Thanks!
Peter I am in a very similar situation as you, and you seem to be providing some nice input and replies so I'm going to specifically reach out to you just because you will understand the most.
It's almost the same situation from what you have posted, except we are not long distance. We have been together almost a year, and she's been extremely stressed lately (money and family problems). She still says I have been perfect to her, and that she hopes we do get back together and wants us to work out. She really just seems to need time to figure things out.
My main question is how long should I give her, and how much I should keep in contact with her. I have always been her best friend and the one she comes to for help, until recently where she just stopped talking about things. They eventually bottled up and now we're single at the moment.
She obviously needs space, and time. But how much time? I'm crushed to see her leave, I'm heartbroken over the fact that it's not a problem within the relationship that caused it, and I just wish to help her in her troubles but she pushed me away instead as if taking out her stress on me.
Please post back when you can, and of course Peter may be the one I "called out" but feel free to respond even if you aren't Peter.
Im a little heartbroken for you,
In my opinion its not a problem between you two its just things outside of the relationship getting in the way.. Much like mine was and seeing as this is the case you can be as strong as you can be and she will see it. Be there when she needs you, Keep a little distance and she will notice that its not you causing problems and that you actually calm her down and cheer her up...
Time wise, Can you really put a time on it? A break will last as long as it needs to and im sorry to say that because I know how painful it is... But please trust me, If you wait... If you are patient...and if you two are strong and at the end of all the mess she realises you are the one... Then she will thank you for waiting, forever.
I hope she sees that you are not the problem in her life and I hope you stay strong and be her pillar of strength, She needs you and you need to carry on being "perfect"... dont stress her out or get yourself worked up and soon you two will be fine...
Please please let me know how it goes...
x
Peter
[email removed]
Well, an update on my situation...Sara is moving out Friday. We've talked before about going two months or so with no contact or doing a separated but still "together" thing and I think we've found out...or at least I've discovered that it's too hard to do. What I mean by that is that even if we agreed to not see other people for a while...she's still going to be living apart from me, doing her own things. She's got a lot of guy friends who are probably going to be on "alert" now that she is living on her own and she's never been shy about seeking attention, even if the intention is not that she wants to be in a relationship or hook up or anything like that.
So basically, I've told her...let's just see what happens. You know what I consider "crossing the line"...if you do it and I find it, it's all over. If you do it and I don't find out...you still have to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning. In any case, I am not going to play the victim. I told her the longer she waits to figure out whatever it is she is trying to figure out, the more likely it is I will have moved on as well. I'm not going to twist in the wind waiting for you to decide if the grass is greener somewhere else.
So, that's how it's gonna be. I broke down last night in tears...there are extremely tough moments. But then there are the moments when I feel empowered and like I need to take control of the situation with my own hands. Because she's leaving me...so if she wants to come back into my life, it'll be on my terms now. I want it to happen, but I will not suffer just because I don't want to lose her.
I feel silly because im no expert and I dont know if my advice is ever any good.....but...
Byron, You are stronger than I ever will be and I think its the best thing you can do. Take control.. If shes not sure if you are for her then why should you wait around for her to make up her mind. I also agree that complete no contact breaks can be too hard to bear.
I think you are doing the right thing but it would be disaster if you let your guard down now, stay strong and lets hope she realises soon what shes lost...
I hope it all goes well,
Peter
Bob,
Be tough. Give her all the time. All the rope she needs. But don't twist in the wind waiting for her to come back. Don't put your own life on hold. Stay true to what you believe in because like Peter said, if she does come back, she'll love you all the more for being so faithful. You're lucky in a way because your girl told you she wanted and hopes for things to work out. In my situation, she won't even say that at this point...just that she's going to try and be happy with herself and see where that takes her.
But again, be tough and do not get jerked around. Continue living your life, going out, having fun. That will make you more desirable and perhaps speed up the process. Calling her and waiting on her will not. Show her how much she is missing by not being there.
Thanks again Peter, you've been a wonderful voice here in this forum.
I believe all of the voices here will find what's best for them. If it wasn't mean to be...then it'll have been a great life lesson. If it was meant to be, well...I'm thrilled for anybody here who figures things out.
Support from those who have been through the situation and others who are dealing with it, regardless of outcome, is such a huge morale booster to me.
I saw a friend once who had his heart broken (the girl actually cheated on him with a good friend, so he lost two important people in his life)...anyways, I saw him dissolve into a mess. Getting drunk every night, secluding himself in his house, skipping work, even cutting himself.
He's better now and worked through things but I decided then and there that would not be me. I want to fill the void in my life with friends, my dog, volunteering, remodeling the house...things that will make me a better person. Not to get Sara back, but for myself. Again, don't get the wrong idea...I still breakdown a lot, it's really still 50/50. But the more you think about it, with a rational and strong mind, the more you will believe in yourself.
Update to my situation.
Well last night we talked again finaly after 5 days, and we've decided to stay together but keep a bit distant. She still needs time to fix her problems and just be to herself. We're taking it slow, but working it out. We're going to see each other once a week for a while to see how it helps her. Much thanks for the quick response and giving your opinion in general.
Hope it works out, I still feel we're right for each other and can make it.
Hi
My girlfriend and i have been together for 8 years now, she is my best friend and i am hers, at the beginning of the week she said she needs some time apart to think.
She has had a lot of stress latley with a family memeber trying to kill himself, also stress at work plus we have had guests staying in our house over the past few months, on and off, so its been a little busy.
we have also in the past couple of months started to build a house.
She says part of the problem is that im to needy and dont really have my own life, as we pritty much do everything together, I do text and call her a lot during the day normally,
I feel that over the past couple of years i have actually just been satisfied with the whole lot and kinda just going through the motions with everything her, work, life in general, and this could be a massive wake up call for me.
I have not been in contact with her now for about 4 days and im finding it really really hard in fact its killing me, but im trying to keep busy and stay positive, i have heard through mutual friends that she is missing me, and they advise me to just be strong and give her time.
So how much time is the question ? i dont want to be the one to make contact as i feel its her that needs the space, i just feel the longer its left the harder its going to be when we talk.
Im currently staying on a friends.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated Peter.
Ry -
Sounds very similar to what I have been going through. The whole "we are such best friends that we don't have our own lives anymore" situation...that and a whole lot of outside stress which frankly, you can't fix for her no matter how hard you want to.
I too got caught up with simply being satisfied with being with her, even though in my heart I felt like she wasn't totally into the relationship like she used to be.
I would listen to your friends and give her all the time and the space she needs. Like I've said before, you have to keep living your life, doing fun and interesting things for yourself during this period. In the grand scheme of things, 4 days is really nothing. You may find yourself waiting much longer. Your girl needs to fix things with herself on her own terms and a week is not even close to the time she needs most likely.
You're right, I think there is a definite fear that the longer you wait, the more out-of-touch and distant you two will become, to the point where you fear the relationship may just slowly, painfully dissolve away. It's the risk you must take. If it was meant to be, she'll come around at some point. Let her contact you. Again, the more you feel the urge to be in touch with her during this, the less you are helping the situation, and indeed - yourself. You both need to be happy and able to do so independently. I'm not saying you want to ever get to the point where you go through a day and not think about her...but you need to be able to go to work, go out with friends, go do stuff and not have her constantly on your mind. When you reach that point, then you know you are healthy. She is probably just trying to find that state of mind as well. Then, only then, can you really make a good decision on where your relationship should go from there.
It's not all sunshine and roses but that's life. Stay strong and be positive about yourself.
Sara moved out yesterday. Very eery coming home last night to an empty house. I mean, I got rid of most of my shit when she moved in. So empty. Very sad. She left me a sticky note saying she loved me and a picture of us in happier times and that she'd see me soon. Then later she texted me good night from her new place.
Actually slept pretty well all things considered. I'm spending this weekend cleaning and organizing what's left. Keeps me busy, occupied and sane. Sucks whenever I see something that reminds me of her though. Part of me feels like I need to cover or store pictures of us together so that I can move on but I can't do it yet. Reminds me of what I am fighting for and what I must stay strong for. Almost trying to picture this like she is just away on vacation and she'll be back at some point. Might be a false confidence but it helps for now.
Anyways...I'm in this with all of you posting here, thanks for listening :)
Stay strong, She clearly loves you and that wont be lost. Im sure everything will turn out for the best.
Peter
so update to my situation,
Last night she text at 2 in the morning saying she wasn't doing well, i text back and said do you want me to call, she said yes so i did when i did she was crying on the phone, so i said do you want me to come over she said yes, so i did.
When i arrived she was in bed very upset crying said she had just been laying there, and how she used to be good at time on her own etc.
We lay and talk for a couple of hours a bit about the situation, about stuff that i thought we needed to do in our relationship like spend time doing stuff for ourselves and also take time to do stuff together, she agreed, we also just talk about normal everyday stuff and had a few laughs, it kind off felt like his was a big step forward and things are moving in the right direction ?
We fell asleep cuddling and it was nice.
In the morning we got up got dressed and both went of to work agreeing that we would talk in a couple of days.
Then about 3 hours later she text and said, she still needs time, thank you for saving her last night and lets give it this week and talk next week, she also said i can text her but just with funny stuff ???
Which now leaves me further confused at what is going on, i understand that i need to give her the extra space she has asked for as thats what she wants, but im feeling very confussed.
Any thoughts ?
You took a huge step forwards and this is great, She will be thinking of this all week. The funny texts is because she wants to know that you two can have fun in your relationship as well as passionate times.
Be yourself still and give her the time she needs. What you did was exactly what she and you needed and im glad for you that last night happened. The last thing you should do now is dwell on the confusion... Be possitive... good things are happening and relax a little.
Let us know how it goes...
Peter
Hello guys, I need your help please. I don’t know what to do. I am in a long distance relationship. He is 10 years older than me. We’ve been together for 3 months. Everything started wonderful; we would talk on the phone for 5-6 hours long, he would call me and text me 1000 messages per day. We met a few times; he came to my city to visit me. We spent great time together. He is a businessman and has got lots of things to do. So it came to the point that we barely talk on the phone now. He used to call me every day and we’d talk for 5 hours than it reduced to 2, 1 and then to 5 minutes per day. He always complains how tired he is and that he has got very serious problems at work. Now he doesn’t even reply to my text message and his excuse “I have got serious problems now, not in the mood for anything”. We also started argue on the phone a lot about this relationship. So I was worried and wrote him a letter about everything that is going on between us, but he had never read it. We talked about our relationship on the phone and he offered for us to take a break for 1 months. He said that we have very different life perspective, that I don’t understand his busy schedule and can’t accept him who he is. He said that he doesn’t call me not to get in arguments, that he is very sensitive to all pressure now and doesn’t want to deal with it, that I am the last person he wants to talk now. However he likes me and he has feelings for me but he doesn’t like us arguing all the time. So we decided to take a break and see where it goes. So I don’t know what to do and think. I got attached to this person, started develop feelings for him. He texts me once a week with very short messages “Hope all is good with you...etc”, however when I sent him messages back whether its about asking how he is or just about weather..Then he barely replies back. I don’t know what to think and to do? Am I too clingy? Does he need time or should I just forget about all this?
Honestly, He doesnt sound worth your time and effort. If he is too busy to give you even half an hour of his time a day to talk to you then he isnt worth it. A message a week is laughable and you dont deserve that. If it was me I would cut contact, It may hurt but its for the best... if he realises what hes done is upsetting you and realises he does want you then he will try and get you back... if he doesnt fight for you you know where you stand and you can move on.
Sorry it wasnt more possitive advice,
Peter
I was told by my bf that he wants to take a "time off" not beause he doesn't love me or we've been having problems. we were always good together.
He said that he needs to take care of his issues. (past relationship basically destroyed him, grieving his closest family member as we started to going out a little after the family passed etc)
we've been together for over a year, we were always happy, great together, barely fight, loves my son and my son loves him too. we were kind of instant family but very happy. but I found out that he wasn't committed to me fully. he was telling people he is single. He was flirting with girls, exchanging texts and phone calles. I've talked to these ladies but basically they were just flirts nothing else. so he started the therapy. I dont know the shrink suggested or this was his decision. but he told me that he wants to take a time off.
I know he value my existence, he cares about me and is still taking care of my stuff etc even we are on break. we are just not seeing each other since he doesn't come home to me anymore ever since. (its been 3 weeks)
he said he needs to do this to be able to commit 100% to me. if he doesnt do this now he can not love me or anyone 100%. he said he didnt have time or place to process his pain because we were always together. which it didnt make sense to me because as a couple I thought we go through tough time together. he also said if there is NO chance in us getting back together or he doesn't feel love for me then he would tell me its over instead of suggesting a "break"
How should I take this? Some of my friends says "he is telling you "break" and hoping you would move on because he is coward" some says "he just wanna see the other options" "he just want you to be there when he couldn't find anyone better than you" "he is going through tough time and truly NEEDS his alone time, so dont blow it"
I know many of you would say "give him more time" but I dont understand what the TIME would do to "US" I feel like more time and more alone time would only creates "look,im doing just fine without her" instead of "i dont wanna lose her"
I want to know what are the things going through "man"s mind when he felt that he needs alone time to deal with some issues on his own. I understand if we are having problems and issues between us, sure its good to clear things up like how you really feel about the person etc. but we didnt have no problems.
HELP!
Peter, Byron, I feel for you. I wish I had found this a few months ago. It could have answered many questions I've had recently.
Me and my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years are about 2 months into a "break". We dated for an amazing year, falling head over heals in love with each other before finding a place to live together. The problem, and I saw it back then, was that she started a new and extremely time consuming job when we made the move. I recognized it as a potential issue but thought we had found the best compromise by living somewhere around half the distance between our jobs (she drove over an hour one way, me about 45 minutes the opposite way). I also thought that our love would get us through anything.
Things started out great, I loved living with her. Falling asleep with her in my arms, waking up to her beautiful face and feeling like we were going to be together forever. I got too comfortable though and took the relationship for granted. Her job created a lot of stress in her life and she expressed the need for a change. She often talked about marriage, but I would avoid the conversation. Eventually the best I could tell her is that I do want to marry her, but not yet. I was reluctant because she was so devoted to a job where she worked all but 2 or 3 days a month. She was overworked and under payed. I hated her job because it just left such little time for us. And she wouldn't leave her job without a commitment from me. So around in that circle we went.
The last 2 months we were together we just kind of floated through life. Seeing each other for a few minutes here and there each day and arguing about not spending time with each other. Our once great sex life had basically disappeared. We never stopped loving each other though. Then she started looking for a place of her own near her work. She told me she wanted to move away and get her own life into a good place before even thinking of getting back together. For the first time since we were together she wanted to put herself first. The last time we saw each other before moving apart we couldn't say "I love you" enough. So one last tear filled I love you and a "see you later" (we refused to say goodbye) and we were on our own.
About 3 weeks went by with no contact before I'd say I hit rock bottom. Thinking of her 24/7, dreaming of her at night, wondering if she was doing well at her new place on her own. About 5 weeks in I broke down and called her. She was so happy living where she was. Being close to work, hanging out with co-workers, having time to join classes at the gym. While I was happy for her, it also broke my heart because it had been a long time since she was that happy living with me. I wondered if I had been dragging her down, would she realize she doesn't need me in her life? She said she still loved me and was missing me but needed more time on her own, "its only been a month" she said. The next couple weeks were harder still. I made what I see now was a mistake and sent her flowers at her work and called her again. She was furious. It's hard for her too she said, why couldn't I just give her time she asked. I've frustrated her before, but this was the first time I think she was ever really mad at me. It was also the first time since we first ever said "I love you" that she didn't end the phone conversation by saying it, but just said goodbye. And I've been a wreck for the last couple weeks since then. I've never been one to reach out for help. But now I'm talking with friends and family, and now even strangers about it. I hope and pray that she gives me another chance. I have learned so much about myself and what she means to me with this time apart. She's my world. She is my first girlfriend and my first for everything else that goes along with that. I know I made mistakes but I want HER to benefit from what I've learned , and not some other girl down the road. I can't even imagine being with another at this point.
So that's my story. I got it off my chest. It helps. NOW FOR MY ADVICE (caps to draw your attention since you're probably looking for any advice you can get). Use the "break" as a last resort. Communicate, communicate, communicate. I can't say that enough. It might help prevent the need for a break. If you can't avoid it and your partner says they need time, give it to them. Try to set something up where you can keep each other up to date occasionally. For me, "I just need time" was too vague and it was hard to wait for a phone call I wasn't sure was even coming. And although it doesn't really answer any questions, the saying "if it's meant to be it will be" is the best way to look at it. There's no good in beating yourself up over the past. Just look towards the future. To deal with the time? I write things down, that way if it works out I can show her what has been on my mind while we were apart. Exercise works off a lot of restlessness. I've never been in such good shape as I am now. And talk and look for advice wherever you can get it.
Peter, I see you've been responding to many posts but didn't notice an update on your situation in a while. How's it going?
My boyrfirend and I have been together for two years. In march we broke up for one month, and got back together. Since then I have been having major trust/jealousy issues and can't help but think of all the reasons why are relationshihp won't work. I am going to college in August and he is currently a high school dropout without even a GED. I feel like our goals and plans are not going in the same direction. And with all these problems, I love him, and I fear I might regret breaking up with him forever. I want to try to make it work...is a break the answer or is it just time to end it?
In this situation I dont see how a break will help you two. A break, I think, Is when there are problems that you can work on and try to fix. This isnt really one of those problems is it? Its more of a choice you need to make, Do you stay with him even though you know deep down that it probably wont work or do you leave it and go your seperate way.
It sounds like you feel that he will hold you back in some way. Also, having trust issues isnt a good start if you are off to college, I think whatever you decide to do you should decide before you go. Sorry I didnt have more possitive advice but sometimes you dont want people saying "It will all be fine".
Peter
To Chris,
I read your post and have been thinking about it recently. I really like your story because whatever happens you have learn't so much but I do understand where you are coming from, You want HER to benifit from your change. I feel for you I really do and I hope it does go the way you would like it to. I really dont have much advice for you seeing as most of it you have already done. I can only agree with what you have said: If they need space, Give it.
Thank you for asking about my situation, I was up and down to the doctors with mild depression because she was doing horrible things to my head. I broke up with her in the end because I didnt feel like I deserved it.
I still think about her a little but its not painful anymore. I know im better off without her its just the is an empty space now that her smile filled. Even though we werent on a break and actually broken up we both contacted each other once:
I rung her because I was missing her voice and just wanted to hear from her... I regret doing that and she contacted me to tell me that she will see me in a year because she is moving down here for uni.
All I can do is try my best to help other people, Being single isnt a bad thing and you will get over the pain, You can smile about it but it just takes a bit of time.
Thank you
Peter
Hi, I have been thinking hard all day and finally decided to look on the internet to get some help or advice to keep my head straight..
I met this girl.. known her for awhile and last year i got my place and she came over we connected.. Her relationship came to a stop with this guy he said he didnt have enough time for you right now and it was not fair(although she was the most patient girl i know so she did not care that he was never around ya know?). She fell into my arms.. We started hanging out and soon enough i had fallen for this beautiful woman..Things were very good with the usual speed bumps of a relationship.. except the relationship aspect there was none.. no title no nothing yet we were seeing noone but eachother we were exclusive.. There was 120% of trust from each of us and it is amazing.. the relationship was haulted because she said she was not ready yet and wanted to be 100% with me.. I fully agree i did not want her anyless than 100% with me..We tried taking a break that did not work we saw each other the next day.. It was no coinsidence it was meant to be.. we continued our lives together both content yet without a title..Yet every once and a while he would come back into her life with just one text.. she met up with him to get her closure once and she told me she asked me.. i agreed cos i trusted her.. nothing got solved she was still left questioned, hurt, confused
So i look at her and say dont worry i aint giving up on you..I was the most patient man with this woman not a lot of mean who could have done this..long story short she gets a text on her birthday from him just about a year later..she says that she is done and she was happy with me.. the next month was amazing felt so much closer and i felt like we were taking our relationship somewhere i was getting happy..she started getting distant.. i called her out on it and she cried to me.. saying she cant be hurt on the inside anymore..asking me to do something with her that in the end would be the end of her healing..she asked me if we could go on a separate vacations... no contact until she is healed..a break if you may.. well i am totally and madly in love with this woman ya know..so i took the risk for her i agreed and i wanted to do this right i told her.. i said no goodbyes..keep everything cos we will see each other soon.. and fate will bring us together..well our last two days we spent together were amazing... i wrote her a letter she wrote me one i felt closer to her already..
I told this woman i was going to marry her and i asked her to give me the most beautiful babies in the world.. i promised her that and she said she believes me and trusts me.. we did not say our goodbyes yet we said our see you laters.. this was my first day in a year that i have not said good morning to the woman i am in love with
I will not give up on this woman..i just wanted to write this to give my story to let people know be patient... ill write back when were on the plane to kaui for our honey moon ha ha :)